


Ripples

by Jaybird314, Mourning_gories



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Body Horror, Corrupted Steven Universe, F/F, F/M, Homeworld is Horrible, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Other, Self-Harm, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:29:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 59
Words: 161,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23778427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaybird314/pseuds/Jaybird314, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mourning_gories/pseuds/Mourning_gories
Summary: People need time to change. And that's fine! He's fine.(so why is he talking to himself so much?)Nothing's wrong.(except for the bruises that aren't going away)He's helping!(so why does he still hurt?)
Comments: 333
Kudos: 377





	1. I'm sure it's fine!

**Author's Note:**

> hi im jaybird and i have no gotdang idea what im doing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's finally back home after a long drive back from the skating rink.  
> (why does this feel wrong?)  
> (...because things are never good for long)  
> (he knows this won't last)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The chapters do eventually get longer, this was originally going to be a series of one-shots up until it Very Much Wasn't)

Being Stevonnie was _fun_.

In fairness, being part of a fusion was almost always fun, Steven decided. Different kinds of fun, but still fun. Smokey Quartz was confident in the sort of way only people with terribly low self-esteem can be, that fake sort of ego, but still able to simply go with the flow. Rainbow 2.0 was details and little things and the magic of the mundane, jokes and laughter to cover old scars. Sunstone could _see_ , could see the patterns of things, the sheet music of reality.

And Obsidian… Obsidian was power, agreement, unity. Obsidian was a volcano contained in a conversation.

But Stevonnie was simply _fun_. And damn did he need that.

It was pretty late now, or, depending on how you looked at it, pretty early. Steven and Connie had driven around for a while, not really doing anything, until they very suddenly realized it was very very late and they were very very lost. So, they got some fast food, listened to music, talked, sang, all of that. It was… comfortable.

But now it was almost four in the morning and Steven was about ready to pass out.

He shambled into the Temple house, giving Garnet a wave. She waved back but didn’t say anything, probably having already seen this timeline. He wondered if it was one of the good ones.

It felt a bit like his body was moving of its own accord, going through the motions as he got ready for bed. His brain was already asleep, he just needed to get into bed first. He took off his headband and ran a hand through his hair and-

Wait.

What was _that_.

Steven scrambled over to a mirror, feeling significantly more awake. Just barely in front of his hairline were two identical nubs, one above each eyebrow. He rubbed at them and felt bone underneath.

“What the hell,” he murmured to himself, not entirely trusting his exhausted senses to be telling the truth. They _felt_ real, but…

Maybe this was some kind of Gem thing? He’d ask Pearl about it in the morning, and… no, if this wasn’t normal, she’d panic. She wouldn’t know what to do.

So he wouldn’t tell Pearl then. Someone else? Peridot would find it fascinating, and she might actually have some answers. Yeah. That sounded good.

After the nubs, finding the spots of dark pink on his sides didn’t even phase him.

_It’s probably nothing_ , he reasoned, before putting on his pyjamas and hitting his bed like a log.

_I’m fine._

(He never did remember to speak to Peridot.)


	2. Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's probably fine, but, I don't want to worry her...

“Hey Connie?”

Connie looked up from her book, over to where Steven sat on her dorm bed, the sun lamp illuminating the gemstone underneath his shirt. “Hmm?”

“Do you ever… talk to yourself? That probably sounds weird, but-”

“It’s not actually that weird,” interrupted Connie. “It’s a good way to process thoughts easier, by saying them out loud.”

“I mean like- like Stevonnie does. Like… having a conversation with yourself.”

Connie thought about it a moment. “No, not really. But I’m sure that there’s people who do.”

“...yeah. No, it’s probably nothing to worry about.” He smiled at her. “It was right after I’d spent most of the day as Rainbow 2.0. Vidalia needed a babysitter and, well, he just felt like sticking around.” That wasn’t _exactly_ a lie, that had happened. But the conversations had been going on a lot longer than that. Not that Connie needed to worry about it.

Connie laughed. “I don’t blame you. He’s pretty fun to be around, I can’t imagine what it’s like _being_ him.”

“Loud, actually. Very loud and colorful. Everything is sort of… more? I dunno.” Steven shifted around, trying to position himself under the sun lamp a bit better. “What are you reading, anyways?”

“Oh! It’s actually a transcription of first-hand documentation….”


	3. Tell Me Again; About How It Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know who I am right now

Life was good, Steven decided.

Yeah, there were a few things that were kinda not great, but that was his problem, not anyone else’s, right? The weird bruises that weren’t going away didn’t actually _hurt,_ and he could hide the protrusions on his forehead easily by wearing a hat, or just doing his hair differently.

He was okay. He _had_ to be okay. Steven Universe wasn’t allowed to be not okay, so, he was okay.

Right?

...right?

_I’m fine._

He didn’t exactly have a schedule today, but he never really did before, so that wasn’t a problem. Right now he was meandering through the Little Homeworld grounds, seeing if there was anyone that needed some help. Only if they asked, of course! Some of them didn’t need help, and that was okay. _I’m okay._

“STEVEN!! STEVENSTEVENSTEVEN-” A blur of green and yellow careened past him at top speed until being stopped suddenly by a wall. Steven couldn’t help but wince, but Peridot seemed to shake it off with ease. “STEVEN!”

“Hey Peridot,” he replied with a grin. “What’s up?”

She paused to ponder this. “Up is the direction opposite to the current centre of gravity,” she stated. “But that’s not important right now! What IS important is THIS!” She held up a plain blue cube as if it were some priceless treasure.

“Uh… that’s… neat?” he replied uncertainly.

“It is very neat!” Peridot agreed.

“...what is it.”

“Ah! Of course.” She held the cube in both hands and twisted it apart into two halves, held together by a beam of light at each corner. “THIS is a device which simulates the ideal environment for a Gem who has retreated into their gemstone, allowing them to reform in MUCH less time!” she explained, gesturing wildly as she did. “Of course you can’t rush these things completely, but it’s always best to account for as many variables as possible.”

Steven looked over the box after she handed it to him. “It’s… pretty small,” he mused. It was only just big enough for him to hold it in both hands, and it had a small cushion on one side and a sun lamp on the other.

“It doesn’t have to be much larger than that,” stated Peridot.

~~_Black claws and white light and-_ ~~

~~Such a small wound for what was stolen-~~

~~Everything smells like blood-~~

**~~SHE’S GONE-~~ **

“Yeah, I guess not,” agreed Steven with a smile, handing the cube back to her.

* * *

Little Homeworld had a lot of nooks and crannies, little hidey-holes that were small enough to not be noticed but big enough to fit a Topaz or the like. Steven knew where all of them were.

They were very useful when you needed to have a panic attack in secret.

“We’re fine, we’re fine-”

“She hurt us.”

“She’s nice now! She’s better now!”

“She never apologized.”

“We can’t just ask her to, especially not now.”

“You were dying.”

“I’m okay now! We’re okay now!”

“...so then why am I talking to myself again?”

Steven looked down at his hands in confusion. This was happening more and more. It was getting harder to hide and he hated that. “We’re- _I’m_ fine,” he told himself. “Just some bad memories, that’s all. No big deal. No need to worry everyone else over nothing at all.”

He spent the rest of the day hiding in his room.


	4. Being Awfully Loud; For An Introvert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I AM NOT PINK DIAMOND  
> (so who am I then?)

The blotches on his skin were growing. Not very quickly, mind you, but they were still growing, spreading. The growths on his head remained little more than nubs still, but there were ones on his back now and those ached.

That was fine though. It didn’t really hurt that much. And the blotches were still just on his sides and back so that was fine too. And so what if he was talking to himself more often? Maybe there’s plenty of people who do that, he just hasn’t met them.

_Except for fusions..._

But we’re not- I’m not- we-

THERE’S NO ‘WE’, SHUT UP, SHUT UP SHUT UP-

He sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. It was weird not having his headband on, but the little flower clips looked pretty nice. He didn’t really get to dress up anymore outside of Homeworld, and even then it wasn’t… it came with a lot of strings.

Maybe he’d wear something nice today.

* * *

“Hey.”

Steven gulped down the last of his pizza slice, then turned to greet Lapis with a smile. “Hey! It’s been a little while!”

Lapis shrugged as she flew over to the seat across from him. “Class trip. Checking out different views and all that. It’s pretty weird being the one people look up to all of a sudden, but… eh. It’s not bad.”

He grinned. “I’m really glad you’re enjoying the class. I’ve got to admit, I always thought you were more of an abstract sculpture sort of person, but it’s great to see you branching out.”

“So what’s with the getup?” asked Lapis as she stole a slice of pizza.

“I just wanted to look nice, I guess.” He still had his pink jacket- that wasn’t going _anywhere_ just now- but he had a plain black t-shirt and a long blue skirt with star patterns on it. “I mean, I still like my usual clothes, but we figured we’d go with something different.”

“...we?”

_NO NO NO NO-_

Steven laughed. “ _I,_ I mean. My head’s a bit scrambled, I guess.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Lapis jerked her thumb over her shoulder. “You wanna come hang out with me a bit? I’ve got a class soon but I’m sure no-one would mind having you around.”

“Thanks but no thanks,” he replied cordially. “There’s some stuff I gotta work on back home, I shouldn’t be out too long.”

“You sure? I bet you’d make a great model in all that.”

He laughed nervously. “No, really, it’s fine. I wouldn’t want to get in Lemon’s way, and, besides, I don’t really like people drawing me.” _They always draw me as a Diamond. Praising me and all that._

Just let them

I’m NOT one of THEM!

But we are a Diamond

NO!

“Whatever floats your boat.” Lapis flew off giving him a wave as she left.

Steven finished his meal quickly- he hadn’t eaten much of anything yesterday, or the day before, so it was probably fine he was eating a ton today- and started towards the Temple.

That wasn’t his actual destination. But he didn’t want anyone to know what that destination was.

* * *

“JASPER!”

There was a shuffling noise from inside the cave. “WHADDYA WANT, RUNT?”

 _Ugh. She’s not coming out, is she?_ Steven marched over to the cave entrance, but didn’t move the tarp aside. Even Jasper needed privacy. “I wanted to talk,” he said loudly, though he no longer had to yell.

Jasper poked her head out and Steven had to jerk back to keep from getting hit. “Why?” she drawled. “Why do you keep doing this? You know it’s just gonna end in us fighting.”

Steven shrugged. “I know. But that’s not gonna keep me from trying to get through to you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. So what’s your speech gonna be today?”

“I…” He faltered. “I don’t really have one. I thought… I thought we could just talk, I guess.”

Jasper froze and blinked in confusion. “...what?”

Steven shrugged. “I dunno. I just… ran out of ideas, I guess.”

“But you came here anyways.”

He sighed. “Look, I’ll leave now if you want. I don’t care.”

“...the hell is going on with you?”

Now Steven was confused too. “Since when do _you_ care?” he growled defensively. “You are _literally_ the last person- no, sorry, second to last person- I would expect to care about my feelings.”

“I can’t keep beating you into the ground if you’re being all sad and whiny,” she explained casually.

_ WHINY? I THINK I HAVE EVERY DAMN REASON TO WANT TO COMPLAIN- _

_ She’s trying her best, calm down, calm down, calm down- _

_**NO!** _

Steven hadn’t even realized he’d thrown a punch until Jasper caught it, grinning. “Finally. I was hoping you’d start skipping the whole ‘talking’ bit sooner or later.” She pushed him back with a kick to the stomach, her corruption-scarred foot- _hoof-_ hitting the edge of his gemstone. “You wanna _communicate?_ ” she roared. “You wanna know how I _feel?_ Then fight me!”

“What? No! I- I didn’t mean to-” He stopped his sentence short to dodge out of the way of her charge, and he put up his shield. “I don’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry!”

Jasper rolled her eyes, shoulders slumping. Her helmet vanished into embers. “Ugh. Fine. Go home and mope or whatever.”

“...yeah. Yeah. I… yeah.” He scrambled back into the woods, the pink glow taking far too long to fade.

* * *

The markings went up to his shoulder now.


	5. Get Out Of My Room; Smile Wiped Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diamond Eyes  
> (IM NOT LIKE THEM)  
> (i can't be)  
> (please)

Steven spent a lot more time inside nowadays.

It wasn’t like he didn’t have plenty to do, still. Even though he wasn’t actively working on the Homeworld reforms, most of them still had to be finalized by him. He was still useful- that had to be a good thing, right?

He didn’t like looking in the mirror that much, but, that was probably fine. He could still hide the markings and the bone growths just fine, so that wasn’t a problem. But, because of that, Connie was the first one to notice the newest change.

“I think the camera’s being a bit wonky,” she said from the other side of the country. “Your eyes look kind of weird.”

Steven frowned. “They don’t feel weird.”

“I dunno, they just look a bit… pinkish?” She shrugged. “Like I said, I’m sure it’s just the lighting.”

“Yeah, it’s probably that. Let’s just get back to your review stuff.”

* * *

_Diamonds._

There were diamonds in his eyes.

His pupils looked strange, wrong, inhuman.

_ Of course they do, we’re not human- _

_ No, no, stop saying that, there’s no ‘we’- _

But he blinked again and his eyes were back to normal. No longer bright pink, but the same dark, dark magenta they’d always been. Well, no, not always-

~~_“Starlight…”_ ~~

~~ _So much blood-_ ~~

~~ _PINK DIAMOND IS GONE-_ ~~

~~_“I guess I look different now?”_ ~~

~~_“I’m fine.”_ ~~

...his pupils were still diamond-shaped. They always had been. His eyes had just been too dark to tell. But now that he knew what he was looking for it was obvious.

_I don’t want to be like THEM!_

_But…_

_I don’t think we have a choice…_

...maybe Dad could help cheer him up. That would be nice…


	6. Isn't It Weird; To Be So Mean?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M NOT HER!  
> (but maybe it'd be better if i was)

He needed to leave.

_Dad could’ve died and it’s all my fault and-_

_I can’t be around Humans anymore, I can’t risk it-_

_Why can’t I stop being angry!?_

Jasper.

Jasper would be able to help. She was strong and knew how to control it. She only hurt people when she wanted to. She could help, right?

If anyone could stand up to him, it was Jasper…

* * *

_**“You’re right, Jasper- we have been holding back.”** _

* * *

Steven floated down from where he hung in the sky, still giddy with adrenaline. “Damn that’s fun,” he said to himself. “Hey! Jasper! You can get up now!”

The crater filled with rubble stayed still as rain poured down. Steven laughed. “Seriously? We actually _poofed_ you?” He cackled with glee. “C’mon, let’s get you out of there so we can rub it in your face.”

He pulled back one of the boulders and nearly threw up, faced with the sight of a pile of bright orange shards.

“No. No, no, no, this isn’t happening-”

_We killed her_

_We shattered her_

_We’re worse than Pink Diamond_

_She never shattered Gems, she refused to shatter Gems-_

_We killed Jasper_

_We killed her_

_**I killed her** _

* * *

He had to wait until he knew the Temple house was empty. He knew how to get around Garnet’s Vision by now, that was easy enough, and right now all of them were out, despite it being in the middle of the night.

Lightning illuminated the scene in a stark contrast as he walked up the stairs, and soon thunder followed it along.

_ It’s rather poetic, in a way _

_Poetic?_

_A dark and stormy night…_

_Quoth the raven, “Nevermore”. I guess that makes Jasper our telltale heart then_

_That’s rather morbid_

_You started it_

Steven rushed into the bathroom, dumping the three bottled essences into the sink. He was already crying- he’d barely noticed, out in the rain- so there’s no need for anything else. He silently prayed to whatever higher power there might be for things to be okay, just once.

Brilliant orange light illuminated the room, and Steven saw that the shards in his hands are no longer shards, but a gemstone, fully healed, starting to form. They can’t know, he thought as he grabbed the gemstone from the sink and bubbled it, shrinking the bubble so that it’s only just big enough.

He stopped when he saw himself in the mirror. The markings were up to his neck now, and the horns were starting to poke out of his hair. His eyes were even brighter pink now, pupil glowing white.

He’d panic if he weren’t already numb.

He headed out the door, making sure to see if there was anyone else there, and-

“...Steven.”

“...Bismuth?”

The massive grey Gem was stoic, looming over him even from a distance. She smelled like ash and fire but her expression was stone. “I’m gonna need a damn good explanation right now,” she said, very, very calmly. “Because you’ve been gone for days now with no explanation, and when I come here to check up on the place I see you sneak in here like a thief, and come back out of the bathroom with a bubbled Gem.”

“...You told me once that I was better than Rose Quartz,” he replies, exhausted. He looks her dead in the eye. “You were wrong.”

Bismuth looked horrified. “Steven-”

“Goodbye, Bismuth.” The world slowed to a standstill as Steven lit up pink, just long enough for him to get to the Galaxy Warp.

He left Jasper behind.

She deserved better.


	7. Her Brilliance, White Diamond; First of the Eons, Song of Mind, Birth of Eras

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what if he's terrified? So what if he feels the burning gaze of everyone around him? So what if each breath seems loud, like it's going to give him away?  
> He's fine!  
> (there's no way this can last)  
> (but it has to)

_Her Brilliance, White Diamond; First of the Eons, Song of Perfection, Creator of Eras_

Homeworld was _big._

It wasn’t like this was his first time here, but it was still surprising each time. Even in places the Diamonds never went, everything was built to accommodate them as well- just in case.

It was kind of nice, in a way. Yeah, there was nowhere to hide, but he didn’t feel trapped, and if he buttoned up his jacket and pulled down his hat then people would mostly ignore him, figuring he was just another Gem.

They should respect us

Why? We don’t deserve it

We are a Diamond. We are protectors

Yeah, uh, no. Let’s just keep moving

The Diamond Palace was a ways away from the Galaxy Warp, though there was another Warp Pad that led directly there that was only accessible by the Diamonds or someone with their explicit permission. Steven decided to take the longer route. He needed to calm down before trying to talk to them.

It was odd, seeing Homeworld at street level. It reminded Steven of Empire City, so full of people, each of them with an explicit purpose or destination. And, it was nice seeing the changes he’d brought about in person.

There weren’t any fusions, or uncorrupted Gems, which was odd to him- it had simply become a normal thing, unnoticed until it was gone. But still… He saw Pearls grouped together, or entirely on their own, doing what they pleased and not what they were told. There were Rubies in fancy gowns and Jades in plain clothing, and the diamond insignia was entirely optional.

There were still rules that hadn’t faded away just yet- you didn’t go near elites, you didn’t walk right in front of someone of a higher caste. Pearls were still treated like things by some. It was difficult to see, but… he couldn't exactly do much without making a scene.

From what he saw, people assumed he was an off-color Quartz. _That might be useful,_ he thought. _I look similar enough to a Pink Chalcedony as long as you don’t actually see my gemstone_. There was a transport some ways ahead of him, essentially a fancy monorail, that would bring him right to the Diamond Palace. You had to tell the Gems running it what your gemstone was and if you were a fusion, but that was it- much different from the old system of having to register your gemstone, serial number, and gemstone location, not to mention the whole system of who got to use it and who didn’t.

Steven started off towards the transport, sticking to the edges of the streets, lost in thought.

We… we have to do this, right? We have to

Yeah. We can’t hurt anyone else. Besides, we can actually be useful here! It won’t be the same, but…

But we’ll be appreciated

Cared about

Loved

...we were loved back home, weren’t we?

...I don’t know

I’m scared

Yes. But we can’t go home anymore

...I know

Steven sighed. It was probably a sign of him going completely insane, but, at least he had himself to talk to still.

The transport depot was slightly more crowded than the Galaxy Warp had been, and there were a lot more fancy and elite Gems here, all looking very important and official, with somewhere very important and official to be. He made sure not to go anywhere near them if he could.

“Gem type?” asked the attending Prasiolite once he’d reached the compartment, not even looking up from her pad.

“Pink Chalcedony.”

“Fusion?”

“No.” That wouldn't make sense, right? He- he was just tired. That’s why he was talking in his head. Yeah. Yeah, that was it.

The Prasiolite nodded and pressed a button. “Gotcha. Next!”

Steven did all he could not to give a sigh of relief as he moved into the compartment. There were only a few other Gems already seated, so he sat at the furthest end of the compartment, as far away from anyone else as he could get.

And then someone sat down next to him.

_ARE YOU KIDDING ME_

The Gem, all pinks and purples and whites, with a visor like sunglasses, was thankfully paying more attention to her holo-caster than to her surroundings. But… Steven couldn’t help but notice how nervous she looked, tapping her fingers on her leg, glancing at the other passengers.

This is a bad idea this is a bad idea this is a bad idea

But we also can’t just ignore her-

Yes we can we need to not be seen we cAN’T BE SEEN-

“Are you okay?”

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

The Gem looked over at him, startled. “Oh! I, ah, didn’t-” She stopped herself, taking a deep breath- something a bit odd to see a Homeworld Gem do. “I’m rather anxious, but I’ll be alright.”

“Oh. That’s good.”

“I’m, ah, hoping to have an audience with the Diamonds,” she explained.

“I’m so sorry to hear that.”

The Gem looked confused, then laughed quietly. “I was hoping to discuss the idea of open galas- ones that any Gem can join, regardless of rank or standing. I just hope that there’s someone there who will listen to a Kunzite like me.”

“...I could help you.”

The Gem’s eyebrows shot up over her visor. “Oh?”

“I’m on my way to see the Diamonds as well. I might be able to get a word in.” No, wait, no, that was way too much information, wasn’t it? Pink Chalcedonies weren’t considered elites, were they?

The Gem studied Steven for much longer than he liked, making him shift uncomfortably. It was even worse when her eyes went wide and her mouth slowly fell open. “Oh. My. Stars,” she whispered. “You- you’re-”

Steven glared at her. “Yeah. And I really, _really_ don’t want any _attention_ right now.”

The Gem nodded. “I- I just. Wow. Okay.” She stared blankly ahead of her. “Wow.” She fiddled with her holo-caster a bit. “So, um. What should I call you? I don’t really, uh, is there protocol for this?”

“...just call me Steven. And no, there’s no protocol.”

“Oh. Okay. I am Kunzite Facet-16 Cabochon-8H3.”

“...should I just call you Kunzite, or?”

“That works.”

There was a moment of incredibly awkward silence, only interrupted by the transport’s arrival. Steven got up and motioned for Kunzite to follow.

...we’re going to end up hurting her

She’s a Gem, she’ll be okay. And… well. We know we can heal her

Jasper wasn’t okay.

She- she is now. She has to be

She still deserves better than us

...yeah. Probably. But… let’s just be happy for a little bit, yeah?

...okay

Kunzite walked closely behind Steven. “Do, uh, do we just… walk in?”

Steven looked up at the Palace. It was massive and it was grand, and while everything on Homeworld was massive and grand, the Palace seemed to take that as a challenge. It insisted that it rise above the skyline no matter what. A grand stairway led to the front, and while there were no doors, there were a pair of Bamboo Jaspers standing guard.

“...I guess? I, um, I’ve never really come here outside of a meeting or something, and there was always like… I dunno, specific protocols?”

“I mean, I doubt they wouldn’t let you in,” reasoned Kunzite.

Steven looked over at her. “You… are taking this really well,” he commented. Kunzite just shrugged.

“My Agate didn’t tell anyone about the Proclamation until someone showed up and made sure everyone knew. Era 3’s only been going on for a quarter rotation for me. I’m still kinda getting over the shock of that, y'know? Having you be all ‘hey by the way I’m a clodding _Diamond’_ doesn’t even compare next to ‘hey by the way your entire way of life has been flipped upside down. Have fun!’”

Steven winced. “Yeah. I actually get exactly what you mean.” He looked back up at the doorway. “So uh. I guess we just… go in?”

Kunzite gestured forth, and Steven headed up, with Kunzite staying close on his heels. The moment the two Jaspers saw them coming they both snapped to attention, not wanting to be caught unawares.

“Please state your business in the Palace,” demanded the one on the right, a square cabochon gemstone on her forehead.

“We’re here to see the Diamonds,” stated Steven.

“None of the Diamonds are currently receiving visitors,” said the Jasper.

“They’ll receive me.”

The other Jasper, with her gemstone on her right hand, snorted. “Aren’t you full of yourself. Unless you’re somehow that new Diamond runt, you’re not gonna get to see them without a meeting.”

Kunzite couldn’t help but giggle. The two Jaspers stared at her, up until Steven looked up and lifted up his hat to show his face. “Hi,” he said with a smile and a wave. The right-hand Jasper paled considerably as the forehead Jasper went stiff.

“...I’m really really shattered aren’t I?” whispered the right-hand Jasper.

Steven grinned. “Nah. It was pretty funny.”

“...but, but, I called you a runt…”

“I’ve been called worse.”

The right-hand Jasper stared at him in amazement for a moment. “Oh. You, uh, you can head in. If you want.”

Steven gave her a thumbs-up and strolled inside as Kunzite tried to contain her laughter.

“Oh stars, all this anxiety was absolutely worth that,” she cried. “That poor Jasper though, I hope she’s not too freaked out.”

Steven grimaced. “Oh. Yeah. I should try and reassure her or something.”

The two of them chatted a bit more as they walked around the halls, which were mostly empty, filled only with the echoes of their footsteps. Everything here was Diamond-sized, instead of just the doorways and ceilings. It made him feel… small.

They eventually reached the end of the main corridor, which was decorated with shining white stars, and for the first time, Steven realized just what they were made of.

“Kunzite. Please, please tell me that the walls aren’t _literally decorated with Gem shards._ ”

Kunzite laughed. “You aren’t the first to think that. No, they’re made of compressed organic material. It’s something Analcimes can do, apparently, though I’ve never seen it done. Mind you- I’ve only ever seen small ornaments made in that way, never entire murals.”

“That’s White Diamond for you,” muttered Steven. “She’s never done something halfway in her life.”

Kunzite paused. “I- um…” She looked away. “I wonder, if, if that’s okay, if I could stay out here…?”

No no please no I can’t be alone with her again I CAN’T-

“Yeah, that’s okay,” he said with a reassuring smile. “She can be really scary if you don’t know her.”

They were standing just outside the door now, and were greeted by a Pearl, with off-white skin and long black hair, and a thin black office suit to match. “My Diamond!” she said in surprise, glancing down at her holo-caster. “I- I was not aware of a scheduled meeting-”

“It wasn’t scheduled, actually. I just kinda… felt like coming here. Is that alright?”

“Of course my Di- I mean, ah, I don’t believe that Her Brilliance has anything on her schedule for right now, so I’m sure she’ll be willing to receive you.” He’d met this Pearl- Dichroma- more than a few times, and she’d had to train herself not to immediately bow to his every whim, as opposed to actually considering her own needs and the needs of other Gems. She pressed a few buttons on the keypad behind her, and the door opened up for him.

“Hey, uh, if you’re not busy- do you think you could come in to chat with us?” he asked, trying to sound casual. “I might need your help with some things.”

“I don’t see why not.” Dichroma pressed a few more buttons, and the Gemglyph symbol meaning ‘do not enter / do not disturb’ appeared in front of the panel.

The two of them walked into the room together, with Steven refusing to allow himself to break down.

White Diamond was _immense_. Steven barely came up to her ankle even now, the tapping of her nails against her desk like a train going by. “Pearl?” she asked lazily. “Who is our honored guest at this time?”

Steven waved weakly. “Uh, hi, White!”

White gasped, looking over at him with excitement. “Oh! Starlight!” She clapped her hands together. “I have so missed you!”

~~_“Now, Starlight… this has gone on long enough…”_ ~~

**~~ SHE’S GONE! ~~ **

~~ Everything hurts ~~

~~ I can’t feel **anything** ~~

Steven laughed as White reached down to scoop him and Dichroma up in her hands. “I missed you too, White.” he lied.

She set them both down on her desk, all polished metal, looking out over the cityscape below. “So then. What’s the occasion? You never do come to visit unless it’s business.”

Steven tensed up. “Yeah, about that…” He rubbed his arm a bit. “I… I was thinking I could stay on Homeworld for a bit? Not permanently! Just… just to get a change of scenery, y’know? Get a feel of how things are going on your guys’ end!”

White smiled. “Starlight… you know we’ve been doing our best, don’t you? Don’t you trust us?”

“I do! I do, I just, wanted to check things out, you know?”

We really didn’t have a plan, did we?

No. We just ran. This was a mistake…

What’s the alternative? Let them see us like this?

We can’t go home

We’ll have to stay here. For now. Until we can control our powers

Yeah. Yeah. We’ll go home someday…

“I quite understand, Starlight. Oh, this will be very excellent, won’t it? You can truly take your place as a Diamond.”

Steven forced himself to keep smiling. “Yeah. As a Diamond.”


	8. Her Lustrance, Blue Diamond; Eyes of the Rains, Song of Passion, Mother of Joys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is nice! Feeling needed. Feeling wanted  
> (WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?)

_Her Lustrance, Blue Diamond; Eyes of the Rains, Song of Loss, Mother of Tears_

Clothing had always been something significant to Steven, even if he hadn’t always realized it. He wasn’t sure if that was a Gem thing or a him thing, but it was a thing nevertheless.

He hadn’t really recognized just how important his ‘look’ was to him until it was taken. When he was only seven years old and had been on a trip with his Dad and couldn’t find any of his shirts. The same shirt every day without fail, rarely ever choosing to wear something else- and even then it was almost always something similar, if not in look then in texture.

Right now, it was his jacket. He always wore his jacket.

But they wanted him to look the part of a Diamond.

He already had a room of his own here in the Palace, grand and luxurious, but it had always been filled with other people when he’d stayed before. He’d never been alone here. Well, he wasn’t alone, exactly.

“Oh, you really do look so darling already,” crooned Blue Diamond, sitting casually on the floor so she was closer to eye-level.

“Why do I have to change then?” Steven grumbled, looking at the display of the different outfits they had come up with for him. There wasn’t a single one that didn’t remind him of Pink.

“Well,” sighed Blue, “you should garner respect from the other Gems. They need to see you and know that you are a Diamond.”

“...I guess that makes sense.” He frowned at the holo-caster. “Blue, all of these are… well… they look like stuff Pink would wear.”

“Ah! Yes. I can see that would be an issue.” She pulled up the same display on her own holo-caster, one large enough for her to hold easily. “I asked some of our tailors to create something for you, but, well, none of them have met you.”

“So they figured they’d just make something in my size but in Pink’s style.”

Blue shrugged. “It seems so.”

Interacting with Blue or Yellow was… far, far easier for him, than interacting with White. The two of them were big, yes, but within some amount of reason. And they had never…

~~**_“Come on out, Pink…”_ ** ~~

“Maybe one of them could come here and help me?” offered Steven. Blue looked surprised.

“A tailor in a _Diamond’s quarters_? I-” She stopped. “No. No, there is no reason for that not to be… I… I think it is good that you are here, Steven. I… it is easier to forget when you aren’t here.” Blue looked ashamed.

“Getting used to change is hard. Really, really hard. I understand that pretty well, actually.”

Blue hummed, then pulled up something on her holo-caster. A Pearl entered the room, all blues and lilacs, at least a foot shorter than the other Pearls she’d seen. Blue smiled. “Feather! My _dearest_ Pearl.”

Feather smiled, blushing purple. “My _illustrious_ Diamond.”

“Could you be so kind as to invite one of the tailors that we had commissioned to please come to the Palace? Inform them that they’ll be finalizing a design for Steven.”

Feather nodded. “Right away, my Diamond! Was there a particular one you had in mind?” Blue looked over to Steven, who showed Blue one of the designs on the holo-caster.

“Maybe whoever made this one? It looks really nice.”

“Kunzite Facet-16 Cabochon-8H3 it is then,” agreed Blue with a nod.

“My Diamond- er, _Diamonds_ \- that Kunzite is already in the Palace.”

Steven grinned, trying not to bounce in place. “That’s the Gem I met on the way here! She wanted to bring up the idea of fancy balls and things that anyone can go to, so you don’t need an invitation to dress up and look nice and have fun!”

“Oh! That does sound pleasant,” said Feather.

“Well then! Do please bring her to us, my Pearl,” asked Blue politely. Feather bowed and left the room, leaving Steven looking surprised.

“You’re really getting better at all this,” he observed. “Remembering Feather’s name, listening to her opinion, asking her instead of ordering her…”

Blue sighed. “I… I spent so many years making everyone around me feel my pain,” she mused. “And… I _do_ still feel that pain, sometimes. Pink- no, _Rose,_ is _gone_. And I will _always_ miss her. But I know now that she did not die in pain. That her death had _meaning_. I… I have seen what I did to my- to Blueberry. The pain she still feels because of me. I will not make that mistake again.”

“Blue… I’m really proud of you.”

I thought they needed us

They still do. They still need help

But she’s okay now

She already said she wasn’t, and she still makes mistakes

But…

They need us. They have to need us. We are NEEDED

_WHY DO I NEED TO BE NEEDED?_

The door chimed, and Blue opened it with a tap to her holo-caster. It opened slowly, revealing Kunzite, her entire body language showing nothing but awe.

“Ah! Hello there. Steven was just telling me about some of the ideas you had told him about.” Blue smiled sweetly at Kunzite, who looked like she was about to tear up.

“Hey, um, Blue? I think we might be freaking her out a little bit. Maybe you could leave us alone for a little bit? N-not that you’ve done anything wrong! But, um…” Steven fiddled with the hem of his jacket anxiously. She’s going to take this the wrong way and hate us and she-

Blue nodded. “I completely understand. Feather, would you be willing to stay with them and assist?”

“Of course, my Diamond,” replied Feather. Blue Diamond stood up, careful not to put her hands too near the smaller Gems around her.

“I can’t wait to see what you choose, Steven,” she called just before closing the door behind her.

* * *

It wasn’t difficult, finding something that was fittingly regal for Steven to wear. Keeping the markings hidden was harder, but not by much- Kunzite and Feather had taken a liking to one another, striking up conversation quickly. Once the outfit had been designed, it was sent to a matter fabricator in another room, so Steven was easily able to dress in private.

The first piece was a very simple dress, dark magenta with a white band around the neck, and another band with a hole cut for his gemstone. The sleeves were long and puffed out at the end, and overtop all of it was a sort of cloak, almost like a long, thin coat with no sleeves. And of course, right atop his chest lay a star.

Steven looked at himself in the mirror, which stretched far, far above him. This… this didn’t seem right. Everything was too big- not the clothing, but everything around him.

No. _He_ was too **small.**

* * *

The door to his room chimed. “Come in,” he replied distantly.

“Steven? Is there something-” Blue Diamond stepped in, and, when she saw him, she stopped in her tracks.

He imagined it was a bit startling for her, seeing him now, as tall as Pink Diamond had been once. “I’ve been getting better at my shapeshifting, and the clothes are designed to change with your form, so…” He shrugged. “I figured I might as well try this?”

He wore a crown in place of his hat or headband now, gleaming silver to match the star earrings. He looked like a _Diamond_. That was what they wanted… _right?_

So… why did Blue look so _concerned?_

“I… I don’t know what to say,” she said, fumbling a smile. “You, ah… you never seemed that concerned with your form before, but, I suppose that, people change…”

“Exactly!” Steven grinned, holding his arms out. “What do you think of the dress? I kept the star- I hope that’s okay-”

“ _Steven._ ” Blue’s voice was small, but firm. “ _What is going on?_ ”

Steven faltered, and shrank back down to his usual size, his clothing following suit, but his jewelry clattering to the ground. “I… I thought you wanted me to be a Diamond.”

“Steven, you _are_ a Diamond. I… I wanted you to wear something nice, but I didn’t…” Tears started to fall, but there was no aura, no blue glow staining the air.

“Blue, I’m fine!” insisted Steven, grinning wide. “I just thought I’d try something out for a change, you know? I’m sorry if I worried you.”

Blue looked down at him, concerned, then sighed. “You’re fine, Steven. I… you didn’t do anything wrong.” She smiled. “Why don’t you go show Kunzite how her design turned out? I’m sure she’d be happy to see you.”

“Y-yeah… yeah. Sure.”

What’s wrong with us?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY IT WORKED!  
> (SUCCESS IS OURS)


	9. Her Luminance, Yellow Diamond; Sword of the Worlds, Song of Penance, Mother of Works

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M HELPING  
> I'M HELPING  
> I'M  
> I'M 
> 
> (HELP ME)

_Her Luminance, Yellow Diamond; Sword of the Worlds, Song of Conquest, Mother of Order_

Steven decided to stick to his usual dayclothes after that, unless there was some kind of event. In the two weeks he’d been here that had only happened once, when Yellow made an announcement about… he didn’t actually remember, honestly. He’d been too nervous.

Not that the crowd had made him nervous of course, that would be silly- he’d been in front of crowds plenty of times! He was probably just getting used to the attention and all that.

I have to be used to it, he thought as he walked down the corridors. They’re all looking up to me. I’m here to help! I’m helping!

** I’m fine! **

The Pearl attending the large golden door in front of him looked up as he approached. “My Diamond isn’t here right now,” she stated plainly. Steven had seen her a few times, but never interacted with her.

“Oh, that’s okay,” he said with a grin. “I was hoping to talk to you, actually- if you’re not too busy!”

The Pearl looked at him suspiciously. “...why?”

Steven looked around. “I, uh, I’m kind of hiding from Spinel,” he admitted. “She’s been driving me a bit crazy and, well, I needed a bit of a break… is that bad?”

The Pearl laughed. “Hardly. Everyone deserves a break now and then. Even _Spinel_ tires out- well, _eventually_.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Steven. He leant back against one of the walls, ignoring how the bony growths on his spine ached as they were pressed down. “So, what should I call you?”

“Shimmer.” She gestured to her long skirt, which did indeed shimmer, seeming brilliant gold one moment and sparkling white the next.

“Huh. I’m Steven, but, I’m guessing you already knew that.”

“It’s hard not to.” Shimmer paused, looking at her screen in frustration. “Hmm. Since you’re already present, perhaps you could help me? It’s a very small matter, but-”

“Sure! I can help!”

**needed**

Shimmer nodded, moving her screen so that he could see it better. “This is one of Yellow’s decolonized planets.” The globe on the screen was all reds and browns, with only the tiniest specks of water, and not a cloud to be seen. “When first discovered it had an abundance of organic life- only flora, I should note- which was removed for the building of Kindergartens and the like.”

“Hmm.” He’d heard this story enough times that he was starting to become numb to the sheer horror of it. That was probably a good thing, right?

“Well, before construction could even begin, all the life there just...dried up, according to the reports. It became completely unusable. As you are rather more knowledgeable than I on organic life, perhaps you know why this happened?”

“I do, actually! Something like that happened on Earth, too, just on a smaller scale. There’s this big area that’s almost all desert, but because there were a lot of trees around it, the, uh, desert-ness couldn’t get past them. But people didn’t know that yet so they cut down the trees so that they could plant grass for animals to eat, but the grass couldn’t block the desert. So it just kept getting bigger and bigger until people started planting trees there again.”

Shimmer nodded. “Interesting… perhaps if we were to put up barriers around one of the fertile patches?”

“No, I think it’s more complicated than that, but that’s a good idea- starting with one spot and branching out from there. It’d take a while but, I guess that isn’t really a problem.”

They do need us

We can help them

I’m helping!

I’m NEEDED

Shimmer nodded, tapping away at her screen. “I’ll mention this to our revitalization teams. They’ve been rather annoyed with this project. This may be of use.” Steven gave her some time to finish typing. She looked up at him. “You know, you really ought to have an assistant yourself.”

Steven frowned. “I- I don’t really want to force any of you guys-”

He was cut off by Shimmer’s snorting laugh. “Oh, _please_. I can think of at least a dozen Pearls who would love to work for you. We can _choose_ our jobs now, remember? _And_ we’re getting _paid_. I could never have an appearance modifier like this, not working for a _Citrine_.” She gestured at the skirt that gave her her namesake. “How about this- I’ll ask a handful of Pearls I know and send them to your quarters- I’ll notify you first, of course- and you can interview them?”

We shouldn’t be a burden

But they want this, don’t they?

WE HELP PEOPLE

We can’t turn her down

HELP PEOPLE

We could use the help-

HELP-

Steven shrugged. “Sure. It’d be nice to talk to some new people anyways.”

* * *

* * *

The next morning, Steven came out of his room and was met by a trio of Pearls chattering away, who all stopped when they saw him. “Uhhhh…”

Shimmer gave him a helpless look. “I forgot organics need sleep and may have assumed you got the message I sent some time ago?”

“...you know what, that’s actually pretty fair. Give me like… five minutes.” He gave the group a sleepy thumbs-up and went back into his room and sat on the floor, situated between his bed and one of the walls.

“Why is this now?”

“You heard her, it was an accident.”

“I can’t think, I can’t think, I can’t-”

“We need to get a hold of ourselves. Focus. Focus.”

“Can’t think, just, angry, too tired, head… can’t think,” Steven mumbled to himself.

“Shut up!” he hissed in reply. “We need to present ourselves properly.”

“No, no, we can’t go out with the dress, they, they’ll stare more and it’ll be wrong and-”

“Fine. I’ll deal with your stupid cowering, we’ll just wear our usual stuff. But we will stay composed and proper. We’re fine. We have to be fine. If we are not it’s your fault.”

“I know. Let’s… let’s just do this already.”

Steven pressed his nails into the side of his arm, holding it until it bled. As always, the magenta ichor healed him in seconds, and, yeah, it still hurt, but it made him feel better. Calmer. So it was fine. He was fine!

“We’re fine. We’re okay.”

When he came out of his room the second time, freshened up and smiling, the Pearls didn’t react with the same panic as they had before. “Sorry about that,” he said, trying to ease any worry that remained. “I wasn’t really expecting company yet, but that’s okay!”

Shimmer smiled at him. “I do apologize for my error.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it, it’s fine. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, right?” One of the Pearls, who had been looking at the floor so far, looked up at him in some surprise, with the one next to her giving her a smile.

“I told you, Dancer, you’re okay.”

“Dancer is rather anxious,” explained Shimmer. “Her previous master was… unaccepting of any flaws.”

“Oh. I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t be. She would still be with her if not for you, after all.”

“Right, right… um, so, why don’t you guys sit down and introduce yourselves?” He gestured at the circle of couches with a table in the centre. It was a bit like home, if the couches back home had embroideries all over the backs and sides and the tables were made of a pink steel. “I’d uh, offer you refreshments, but I don’t know if you guys like to eat…” They all shook their heads. “No problem.”

“This is Dancer, obviously,” said Shimmer. Dancer waved meekly. She was dressed in yellows and oranges, with short hair and a ribbon tied around her neck. Steven tried not to think about untying it, an old story Amethyst had told him once rushing back to him. “As you can guess, she’s very fond of dancing and entertaining, though not quite as much with work-related things.”

Steven rubbed the back of his neck. “I, uh… I’m actually pretty busy, I don’t know if I’d really have that extra time… I’m really sorry, Dancer.”

Dancer smiled at him. “Do not worry,” she replied, her voice barely audible. “I told Shimmer this wasn’t really the job for me.”

“I figured I might try…” mumbled Shimmer.

“Hey, no-one’s saying you shouldn’t,” said the next Pearl over, the one who had talked to Dancer previously. “I’m Frost,” she said to Steven. Her outfit certainly matched her name, her white skin and hair and startling blue eyes making her look like an ice sculpture come to life. “My master was a Larimar, and we’re actually on good terms still, but she’s been travelling a whole bunch and, I guess I wanted to find a more permanent place.”

“I… I don’t actually know how long I’m going to stay here,” admitted Steven. “You can stay if you want, but, it’d feel really weird having you come with me when I do go back to Earth.”

Frost gave him a thumbs up. “Not a problem.”

“...where did you learn that?”

“Eh, trends spread, especially among Pearls.”

“If you want gossip, you come to a Pearl,” said Shimmer proudly.

“Huh.” He filed that away for another time. “So, what’s your name?” he asked the final Pearl. She pushed away her pale brown hair to reveal… nothing. The entire right half of her face was blank, except for a thin slit where the rest of her mouth should be. “Oh jeez, are you okay?”

The Pearl nodded. “I emerged like this,” she explained. “My master was off-color as well. We hid each others’ secrets.” Just like Pearl did with Rose… 

“What, um… where is she now?”

“She is gone,” said the Pearl calmly. Her song was completely flat, no emotion, no expression, monotone.

“...gone!?”

“She’s not shattered,” said Frost, following it with a muttered “probably”. “She just kind of… left, after the new Era began. None of us know what kind of Gem she was but uh, that’s Hazel’s business and not ours.”

“There’s still a lot of Gems who don’t want to work beside an off-color Pearl,” explained Shimmer, “but I knew that wasn’t likely to be an issue for you.”

~~_**“I JUST WANT… TO FIX THIS!”** _ ~~

~~_Pip’s face as she cowered behind Crystal Pearl_ ~~

~~_The shards of glass look so much like Gem shards_ ~~

~~_His face in the mirror_ ~~

~~_Pink’s face, enraged, destroying_ ~~

~~_Why can’t he just **stop being angry?**_ ~~

Steven looked at Hazel, giving her a reassuring smile. “Well, if it’s okay, I wouldn’t mind having someone around to help out,” he told her. “I’ve uh, never really done this before? But I’m sure we can figure things out!”

Hazel’s single eye lit up. “I would like that,” she said, no emotion in her song, but so very much in how she held herself.

* * *

Kunzite was more than pleased to help Hazel out with her clothing. Blue Diamond had insisted that she wear something befitting for her court, meaning it had to be mostly pinks and such. Steven had tried to argue for Hazel’s behalf, until, in the middle of the debate, Hazel had stepped out of the side room in a beautiful gown, white and deep magenta. A silver crown pulled her hair back, revealing all of her face.

“She’s… off-color?” said Blue, surprised.

“No,” replied Hazel. “I’m exactly how I should be.” Feather couldn’t help but snicker at Blue’s blush.

“Yes you are,” agreed Steven, grinning.

But  we're not

Shouldn’t we be happy?

_...why can’t I be happy anymore?_

__


	10. His Radiance, Star Diamond; Shield of the Kind, Song of Mercy, End of Eras

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> S T A R L I G H T  
> (help me)  
> (help me)  
> (help me)

_Her Radiance, Pink Diamond; Child of the Diamonds, Song of Peace, Beginning of Joy_

Steven dragged himself out of bed with a drawn-out groan, light filtering in from the window. Homeworld didn’t have any kind of night and day cycle, so the windows in his room would change in opacity based on what time it was on Earth.

“I guess that means it’s morning back home as well,” he thought out loud.

“...I want to go home.”

“We can’t go home, remember? The whole time we’ve been here we’ve been fine! No one’s gotten hurt, no one’s gotten killed-”

“But we feel like we’re trapped…”

“That’s worth keeping everyone safe.”

“...how long can we keep this up?”

“As long as we have to.”

(He saw in the mirror that the markings covered most of his torso now, and all of his back. The growths on his head were starting to poke through the skin, hints of coarse pink bone. It was fine. He was fine. He could just cover it up with his hair.)

(No one would ever know, and that was good. They didn’t need to know he was hurting, that he was tearing into his own skin. They would never know. It healed too quickly for that. He didn’t want to be a burden. He didn’t hurt people. He didn’t hurt people. He didn’t-)

Steven munched on one of the fruits that’d been brought from the Zoo as he looked over his schedule. It was nice having a schedule, filling it out, filling in the gaps between things.

We don’t have to think about it if we stay busy

“Good morning, Steven,” greeted Hazel with a quick bow of the head. “I hope the schedule is to your liking.” He was getting better at reading her tone- her song was completely flat and calm, but her body language, her expressions- those weren’t. He tried not to let her remind him of Garnet.

“It looks great, Hazel,” he replied, grinning. “I was wondering though- the other Diamonds requested to meet with me? All of them?” Hazel nodded. “...did they tell you why?”

“Just that it was important that you discussed it with them before your next public appearance, which is… tomorrow.”

Steven nodded. “Alrighty then. Let’s see… we’re meeting with some of the Sapphires this morning…”

* * *

* * *

He made sure to wear his formal dress whenever meeting with White. She was rather picky about these sorts of things, which was fine! It was fine.

The halls were a bit busier these days, with Steven here and with the other Diamonds in such a sociable mood- he really should have come here sooner. It was selfish of him not to help them, wasn’t it?

The various Gems, mostly elites, waved and nodded to him as they passed by. He got a handful of salutes, but he was used to that. Besides, it… it was nice to feel important. Respected.

It shouldn’t feel like that, we don’t deserve it

We are a Diamond

That doesn’t mean anything!

Doesn’t it? Maybe we don’t deserve this, but… we want it

I don’t want it

No. You don’t like wanting it. But you still do

NO I DON'T SHUT UP SHUT-

“They keep staring at me,” muttered Hazel, hand moving instinctively to bangs that weren’t there.

“Well of course they are,” said Steven secretively. “They’re jealous that such an amazing Pearl chose me instead of them.”

Hazel blushed, deep brown against off-white. “Flattery will get you everywhere, my Diamond.”

The meeting room was attended to by two guards, an Amethyst fusion and a Bamboo Jasper- specifically one with her gemstone on her right hand. They saluted him as he came to the door.

“Hi 335! Hi 9H0!” said Steven with a smile, and the Jasper managed a smile back.

“I still can’t believe you promoted her for insulting you,” said the Amethyst fusion- 9H0

“I promoted her ‘cause I didn’t want her to think I was gonna shatter her,” admitted Steven awkwardly.

~~**“You’re right, Jasper- we have been holding back”** ~~

“Well, the Diamonds are expecting you,” said 9H0. “They seemed pretty excited about something, dunno what though.”

“I’ll let you know when I do,” said Hazel with a wink. Steven gave her an amused look.

“Did you take up my job offer so you could get first-hand gossip?” he asked. Hazel just put a finger to her lips, making him laugh. “Fair enough.”

The meeting room was, like anything to do with the Diamonds, vast, with four seats all facing the centre. It was a bit silly, seeing his seat in comparison to those of the other Diamonds, but it was better than feeling like he was going to teeter off the edge at any moment. Each seat a gravitic lift going up to it and a circular table hovering before it, allowing other Gems to speak at the level of the Diamonds.

Steven got a platform as big as his living quarters were, with a seat next to him for Hazel. He’d insisted on that, at least.

“Ah, there you are, Starlight,” said White Diamond. “I was starting to think you had ignored our summons. We would have so missed you, you know.”

~~ “She’s **GONE!** ” ~~

Steven chuckled nervously. “It’s good to see you too, White.”

“I _do_ so wish you would reconsider staying permanently, we can be so _terribly_ lonely-”

Yellow Diamond cleared her throat pointedly. “Steven will stay where he chooses to, White. And if you want company, Spinel’s still got plenty of free time. Just because she isn’t spending every single second with us doesn’t mean she’s gone forever.”

White looked offended, but didn’t comment further, so Yellow continued. “So, Steven. The reason for your summons is due to some, er, legal complications, that we’ve run into.”

“...legal complications?”

“Specifically the matter of the Courts,” explained Blue Diamond. “As you know, each Court has its own rules, its own laws, to better accommodate Gems who need more time to adapt.”

You mean Gems that are too stubborn to try

Be patient with them! We should give them the benefit of the doubt

They don’t deserve it

Yeah, well, neither do we

“I remember,” said Steven with a polite nod. “Has something come up?”

“Little Homeworld has, specifically,” said Yellow. “Officially, all Gems there are part of one of the three Courts, but, unofficially, they operate under the laws of the Little Homeworld.”

“We want to make that official!” said Blue with a clap.

“Blue! I was getting to that.”

“Oh! Sorry.”

Steven frowned. “So, what, the Little Homeworld will be its own Court?”

“Well of course not, darling,” said White, as if stating the obvious. “A Court can only be led by a Diamond.”

“The Little Homeworld will be part of your Court,” explained Yellow. “However… Blue pointed out previously that, well, it wouldn’t be apt to call it the Pink Court anymore.”

“You would need a title, for both your Court and yourself,” explained Blue. “Not that there’s anything wrong with your name! But… we wanted to have this be… proper.”

“Gems within your Court would be required to follow your laws, of course,” said Yellow. But Steven knew what she really meant.

Gems within his Court could get away from Homeworld. They wouldn’t be privy to the laws of the White Court. Earth would be what it was always meant to be- a haven for Gems.

“What do I need to do?”

Blue and Yellow looked ecstatic. Blue began to say something, but White cut her off. “There are certain protocols for these things, of course,” she said. “A title, of course, as Blue said, or rather, _titles_.”

Yellow nodded reluctantly. “Each of us have titles, names that are… they represent us, more than just our color and cut.” She looked down at her Pearl. “Shimmer, could you please…?”

Shimmer nodded, then walked to the front of the platform. “I present to you Her Luminance, Yellow Diamond, Sword of the Worlds, Song of Penance, Mother of Works.”

Now Feather moved to the front of her own platform. “I present to you Her Lustrance, Blue Diamond, Eyes of the Rains, Song of Passion, Mother of Joys.”

Now it was Dichroma’s turn. “I present to you Her Brilliance, White Diamond, First of the Eons, Song of Mind, Birth of Eras.”

Okay, that’s actually pretty cool

They are titles fit for Diamonds

...is it bad to want one of our own?

Hardly. Besides, we’re getting one anyway, I imagine

Steven frowned. “Those are… pretty benevolent titles, all things considered…”

Blue nodded. “Yes. We… we saw to change them when the Era began. To make an effort.”

“...Song of Conquest, Mother of Order,” murmured Yellow, looking down. “That... was my title.”

“Song of Loss, Mother of Tears,” followed Blue.

There was a pause in which everyone looked expectantly at White, who huffed. “Song of Perfection, Creator of Eras.”

“...what, um… what were Pink’s titles?”

Blue smiled, bittersweet. “Her Radiance, Pink Diamond; Child of the Diamonds… Song of Joy…”

“Beginning of Peace,” finished Yellow, with that same melancholy. “Your titles will be yours to choose of course, but… there is _one_ that we wanted for you.”

“One of Mom’s titles?”

Yellow laughed. “Hardly.” She gestured at herself. “Mother of _Works_ ,” she said, then gestured to Blue. “Mother of _Joys_.” Then to White Diamond. “ _Beginning_ of Eras.” Then, to him. “ _End_ of Eras.”

“If you had never come, Homeworld would be unchanged,” said White Diamond.

“But _you_ changed it for the _better!_ ” said Blue. “You changed _us_ for the better.”

“We’ll let you have some time to think about it,” said Yellow.

“We’ll wait as long as you need us to, Starlight.”

* * *

* * *

After many hours of brainstorming and texts to about a dozen different Gems, most of whom were writers and philosophers, Steven had an idea of a title.

 _Shield of the Kind_. Not of the weak, or the innocent- the kind. Those who chose to be kind. Besides, he did have a literal shield, so it worked well.

 _Song of Mercy_. The thing he’d chosen to show to everyone, whether they deserved it or not.

 _End of Eras_. Blue was right- he had changed things, hadn’t he?

It felt nice, having recognition that wasn’t in the form of constant praise from people he’d never met. Something personal. Something unique to him.

“You still need a Court title,” observed Hazel.

“Mmm.” Steven had his chin resting on the table, the rest of his body slumped over. “Dunno. I was thinking ‘Crystal’ but like, there’s a lot of people who hold a grudge against the Crystal Gems? And some of them have pretty good reasons. I don’t want anyone to think they aren’t welcome, I guess.”

“...Star.”

“Yeah, I have a star on my shirt. What’s that to do with anything?”

“No, no, for a title, I mean. The Star Court.” Hazel paused. “Which I suppose would make you Star Diamond, as opposed to Pink Diamond.”

“...that’s actually a pretty good idea.”

“I do hope it’s not too close to ‘Starlight’ though.”

~~ There’s blood everywhere... ~~

~~ Why can’t I stand up? Why… ~~

~~ This isn’t right. I can’t feel anything. I shouldn’t be like this… ~~

**~~_“Starlight”_ ~~ **

“I- I don’t know what you’re talking about,” fumbled Steven. Hazel gave him an odd look, but said nothing more. “I, uh… I do like it, though. I’ve worn a star for as long as I can remember, on a shirt, on a pendant… I guess that fits pretty well.”

Hazel smiled at him. “I’ll inform the other Diamonds right away. I’m sure they’ll be pleased.”

* * *

“Starlight, _darling_ … I _do hope_ this is a _joke_ of some kind.”

Steven squirmed nervously in his seat, facing the Diamonds once again. “N-no? I worked pretty hard on it…”

White stared at him. “...this is _unacceptable_.”

Steven felt his pulse quicken. He glanced at Blue and Yellow for help but they seemed frozen in place, trying to avoid White’s gaze. “I don’t understand. What’s wrong?”

“ _Star Diamond_. Really? That’s your claim? That you’re truly a being worthy of the stars?”

“Well, it was more metaphorical than literal-”

White stood up suddenly. Dichroma had long since run from her platform and was now sitting with Feather, who held her close. “I gave you an _opportunity_ , Starlight, to walk _beside_ us, and instead you claim to be _higher_ than us? _This_ is why you can’t be _trusted_ with anything! We do our best, we try and listen to you, but it’s _never_ enough!” She loomed over him, casting no shadow. He could hear his pulse thumping behind his ears.

Steven hadn’t even realized he’d begun glowing pink until he saw his reflection in White’s eyes. “I- I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings! I’m _sorry!_ ”

White pinched the bridge of her nose. “Oh, there you go again, making it look like it’s all _my_ fault, trying to _guilt_ me.”

Steven was backed up against the seat as far as possible. He could hear Hazel cowering behind him. “White, _please_ , I don’t want to-”

In that next moment, so many things happened that Steven didn’t even process it until it was all over.

White reached out to grab him and something in his mind clicked.

Some instinct, forged of nightmares that never went away.

Black claws barely touched his shirt.

He **screamed**.

His whole body ached, like every muscle was set alight.

All he could hear past the ringing in his ears was his own heart, his heaving breaths.

White Diamond’s gemstone hit the ground with a sound like thunder.

Blue and Yellow could only stare at him in horror.

Even without looking in a mirror he could feel the markings reach his face, the growths on his forehead pushing out, brilliant pink horns pushing through his hair.

Steven was completely still, panting from fear and exertion. “I’m sorry,” he said, his apologies turning into a sob. “I- I didn’t mean to- I didn’t want to hurt her-” Blue and Yellow just stared at him, frozen to the spot. He was shaking, but found he couldn’t move either- until someone touched him lightly on the arm.

“Follow me,” said Hazel.

* * *

* * *

Steven learned that Homeworld Prime had just as many back alleyways and hiding holes as Little Homeworld did. Hazel led him through them silently, allowing him to cry when he could, but putting a finger to her lips when he couldn’t. She didn’t stop until they reached an area he’d never seen before, all ruined masonry and crumbling statues. It reminded him of the Sky Arena a bit.

Hazel sat him down on the uneven stones. “Steven. Steven, you’re safe now. You can change back.”

He looked up at her, eyes watering. “I don’t think we can,” he whispered.

“‘We’.”

“I- I mean- no, I don’t _care_ anymore. We’re going insane anyways, we might as well _sound_ the part.” His laughing dissolved into sobs again. “I’m so sorry you had to get tangled up in all this. I- I thought we wouldn’t hurt anyone else when we came here, but we were wrong and now she’s going to _tear us apart again_ -”

“Slow down,” commanded Hazel. “I... query: are you a fusion.”

“ _Probably_? I don’t know. We- we’ve only ever been apart once and… and I almost died. I almost watched myself die.”

“White tore you apart.” Hazel didn’t have to ask, it seemed. He should’ve hidden this better, she shouldn’t have to be worried about him- “Query: is that what’s causing all this.” She gestured at his form in general, and he looked down at his hands.

No, hands weren’t entirely correct anymore, not with the thick hide that covered them. His claws had turned dark, almost black, and refused to retract no matter what. He felt around on his forehead, and found that the horns were about three, four inches long now. There was no hiding it now.

“I think _I_ did this,” said Steven.

Hazel backed away from him a bit. “I’ve read the documents concerning corrupted Gems. Your appearance does seem to fit…”

“...how the hell can you be so _calm_ about this?”

Hazel looked away. “Please do not ask me that.” Even now her monotone song never wavered, never changed.

“...okay.”

“...what are you going to do now.”

Steven shrugged. “I wanted to go back home, but… I guess I could go back to Earth, if I stay away from people. But I’d have to use the Galaxy Warp again.”

“Not if you Warp-jump,” said Hazel casually. “It’s possible to use a random Warp Pad and piggyback onto an active Galaxy Warp, then, if you need to, you can push away from that stream at the last second and land some ways away from the intended destination.”

“...really?”

“It’s incredibly dangerous, of course, but… I’ve had quite a bit of practice. I would be able to show you how.”

Steven shook his head immediately. “No. No, it’s too dangerous to be around me. I- I’m okay now, but, I don’t know how long that’s going to last…”

“Then I shall be expedient.”

“...okay. But the moment we reach Earth I want you to get as far away from me as possible, understood?”

Hazel put a hand on his shoulder- something that, even now, was unthinkable, to have a Pearl touch a Diamond. “I will be safe.”

“...thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all I've got written so far, so, for now you'll have to wait for me to actually write the rest of it.  
> Hopefully I should have some art to go with it as well, if all goes according to plan!  
> (He's been away for weeks)  
> (Where is everyone?)
> 
> edit: I'm going through this chapter and some others to fix Hazel's dialogue so that her speech is no longer flat only in description.


	11. I'm Guessing That I've Grown Horns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been very nice to finally meet me

It was almost a month since Steven had vanished into the woods, and three weeks since Bismuth had seen him rush to the Galaxy Warp.

“Why are you here _again_?”

“Because you’re the _last_ hope I have of finding what the hell happened with Steven,” said Connie sternly. “Garnet’s been constantly looking at the future and seeing _nothing_. Pearl is a wreck. Amethyst is worried but has no idea what to do. Bismuth hates his guts, Peridot is an anxious mess, and Lapis is just plain freaking out. So, yeah, I’m here, talking to you, because someone has to find him and, surprise surprise, it’s _me_.”

Jasper turned slowly to face her. “...you’re not scared of me anymore.”

“I’m fucking _terrified_ of you, Jasper, but I’m even _more_ scared of never seeing Steven again.” Connie’s grip on her sword never loosened.

Jasper walked up to her, standing inches away. She refused to flinch, and Jasper grinned. “I like you better than his other pets,” she commented. “You’ve got spirit.”

“I literally _do not care._ Are you going to help me or not?”

Jasper stepped back, yawning and stretching a bit. “Sure.”

“...what?”

“Got nothing better to do.”

Connie looked around at the clearing, filled with barren clay and scattered boulders. “That’s not exactly something new.”

“D’you want my help or not?” growled Jasper, kicking at some stray pebbles, though not with any real effort. If Connie didn’t know better, she’d say Jasper almost looked nervous.

“If you’re willing to give it, then, yes. I don’t really care about your motivations. First things first though.” She glanced over at the woods and called out to Lion- not out loud, mind you. Lion simply seemed to know when he was needed. Seeing as Lars didn’t have that same power she figured it was just a cat thing.

Lion pounced into the clearing, standing proud and tall with the sun’s rays making his hair shine like the moon, its opalescent sheen brought out even more by his drab surroundings.

Then he sat down and started cleaning himself, which rather ruined the effect.

Jasper scowled. “Your warp-thing?”

“His name is Lion, and technically he’s Steven’s,” said Connie. She sighed. “I really, really am not in the mood to fight you right now, so… he’s my backup.”

Jasper sat down on one of the boulders, casual as can be. She looked Connie over, her gold eyes like fire in this light, then huffed in contemplation. “The kid’s said a lot about you, y’know.”

“He’s talked to you?”

Jasper laughed. “He really hasn’t told any of you, has he? He’s been coming over here almost every other day, has been for a while now.”

“And, what, you two _talked_ to each other?”

Jasper shrugged. “Eh, sort of. More like, he’d try and give me some speech, then get tired, and just talk about whatever. Vent about his shitty day, that kinda thing. Then we’d fight.”

“Wh- you attacked him?”

“Nope. He always threw the first punch.” Jasper shifted, looking a bit uncomfortable. “Then, uh… Well, when we fought, it wasn’t on equal grounds. I had to hold back, but, he kept getting tougher. More powerful. Eventually he was the one holding back-” Jasper jerked as if stung by something, her hand over her face- no, over her gemstone.

“...Jasper. _What happened_.”

Jasper paused, arms crossed, refusing to look at Connie. “One of the uh, stories he told me… when the Pearl started training you. How she taught you. How she hurt you…”

“She didn’t-” Connie reacted automatically to defend her teacher, but stopped herself. “This isn’t relevant.”

“Yeah. It is. Because she was telling you to feel how she felt. And… and I made the same mistake.” Jasper slumped over, staring at the ground. “I fucked with his head and… I paid for it.” She looked up at Connie.

Connie refused to believe what she was seeing. Jasper… Jasper didn’t cry. That just didn’t happen. It just didn’t.

“Found out that it’s not just organics he can bring back from the dead,” said Jasper, her voice far away. “I told him to give me everything he had and he did and I _died_.”

“...you’re lying. Steven would- Steven would never do that!”

Jasper pointed to her face. “This look like a lie, kid?” One of her markings, a bright orange stripe right across her face, was split in two. It wasn’t a clean split, either- it was jagged and fractured, as if it had been-

“Shattered,” whispered Connie. “You were shattered.”

Jasper nodded. “Kid… if you want my advice? You shouldn’t just be afraid _for_ Steven right now. That’s not enough. Right now… you need to be afraid _of_ him, too.”

* * *

There are many different kinds of fear.

There’s the fear that comes when being startled by something, that instant reaction to possible danger. There’s the fear of the unknown, something lurking, something watching. There’s the fear of being around people, that feeling that every action you take is being judged and analyzed.

There’s the fear that comes with being an off-color Pearl.

There’s the rational fear you have when Warp-jumping, which, if you aren’t afraid when doing such a thing, you aren’t going to live very long.

There’s the fear- the _horror_ \- of watching someone lose their grip on reality, watching their form change to reflect that.

And there’s the fear that Hazel felt now, that if she didn’t find someone in time, she may never get another chance.

As a Diamond’s Pearl, she had been given access to almost all Warp Pads on this planet and any other, and she had spent what felt like hours- though it was likely no more than a few minutes- searching the globe for another Gem, someone who might be able to do more than just watch helplessly.

Hazel hadn’t realized just how diverse this planet was. Almost any climate, any biome, could be found here. No wonder it had been such a sought-after resource. But that wasn’t important. Not now. Not when-

“Wh- who the hell are you!?”

Hazel jerked back, falling onto the hard platform below her, as a massive orange Gem with curling green horns loomed over her, looking ready to strike. “I come here on behalf of Steven Universe,” she stated, wishing she could express the urgency she felt, holding her hands up to block the blow that was surely coming.

“You know Steven!? Jasper, get out of the way!”

Hazel opened her eye curiously, to see a dark-skinned organic looking at her hopefully. “Query: you are a friend of his,” she asked hesitantly.

“Yes! Do you know where he is!?” Hazel nodded. “Can you take us there?”

Hazel rose to her feet unsteadily. “Yes, but-”

“Then let’s go!”

“Kid, _chill_ ,” growled the orange Gem. “You. Pearl. Keep talking.”

“It’s not safe,” she explained. “Something is… something is wrong. Very, very wrong, and I… I promised him I would be safe.”

The organic stepped towards her. “Is he in danger?”

“I don’t know. But… I believe that, in his current state, he may be dangerous to others.”

“He’s a Diamond,” grumbled the orange Gem- a Quartz of some kind? But those horns… “Of course he’s dangerous.”

“No. No, it’s…” Hazel tensed. “I can show you. But I… I would be betraying his trust…”

“He needs help,” insisted the organic. Hazel didn’t move. “My… my name’s Connie, by the way,” said the organic, apparently trying to defuse the situation. “This is Jasper.”

“I am Hazel Pearl. I… Steven spoke of a ‘Connie’ often. Are you her?”

“Yes.”

“Then I can take you to him.”

* * *

Steven woke up in a field.

It wasn’t a terribly nice field, either, all mud and dried grasses. It didn’t really help that he felt like he’d been tossed in a blender, but there wasn’t much to do about that.

He frowned. Hadn’t he been on Homeworld? How did he get-

...Hazel. She’d brought him to Earth, miles away from Little Homeworld. He’d hit the ground pretty hard… something happened after that, didn’t it?

His body ached all over, though his back and shoulders had the worst of it. Maybe he’d been running? Yeah- that was it. There was… there was a monster. It had showed up after they fell out of the warp stream… Hazel had run, and, he must’ve run too, just in a different direction. That would explain why he hurt so much, the monster might’ve got a good hit in.

...where was it now, though?

Steven groaned, his voice hoarse, and sat up to look at his surroundings. He didn’t recognize any landmarks, but that was probably for the best. The monster would have a harder time getting to any towns or cities then.

He was a bit wobbly getting up, but that wasn’t too unusual, all things considered. There was a nasty lump at the back of his head- a bit weirdly shaped, maybe he’d hit a rock or something?- but nothing seemed to hurt that much, so, no broken bones. That was a bit surprising, considering the fall, but he certainly wasn’t complaining.

Steven walked around a bit, trying to get some balance back. His feet looked fine- though he must’ve lost his flip-flops somewhere in warp space. He still had his jacket, though, and his earring. Did he lose his headband?

He put up a hand to feel around for it, and reality hit him like a truck.

Jagged horns with a texture like a crocodile’s scales jutted out of his head, the skin around them thin and raw, bleeding as soon as he scraped it and healing again just as quickly.

He pulled back his hand at the warmth of the trickling blood and that his claws had grown, long and thick. When he pulled back his jacket he saw that, not only was his arm spotted with magenta hide, there were spikes, no, _thorns_ , catching on his sleeve like burrs.

“This can’t be happening. This isn’t real. This-”

“There never was a monster here.”

“It was just us.”

“We’re a _monster_.”

He scrambled around the field until he managed to find a puddle big enough to use as a mirror. He crouched down on all fours and peered into the shallow abyss, reflecting back to him a beast, warped and inhuman.

His pupils both glowed white, the unmistakable diamond shapes surrounded by rings of pink. Spots marred his face like freckles, and two more pink thorns sat on either side of his mouth.

His reflection was broken by a falling teardrop, pulling him away from his thoughts.

“We need to run.”

“I don’t want them to see us, they can’t see us like this-”

“We can hide somewhere. Find somewhere-” Steven was interrupted by the rumbling sound of a train. Memories of his running away with Amethyst came to mind, and he sprinted after it.

More specifically, he tried to run after it, but instead fell face-first into the muddy ground. “Uhhrgh! Get this OFF!”

“I thought our feet were still unchanged?” He wiped the rest of his mud from his face and looked at himself. The structure of his feet had shifted, the bottom of them no longer able to support him. Instead, his nails had become long, blunted claws, which, as he found out, supported him just fine.

“Suppose it won’t be long until we’re running on all fours,” he muttered to himself as he ran to the train tracks. He barely had to wait a moment before finding an open section, leaping into it just to tumble onto his side, smearing mud on the floor.

“...so what do we do now?” he asked himself.

“...I don’t know. We hide. Stay away from Humans. Keep them safe from us.”

“Hazel… Hazel said we were a fusion. I think she was right.”

“I think we’re just going insane. Corrupted Gems aren’t exactly the pinnacles of mental health.”

“That’s not very nice.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

He paused. “We… we’ve always been able to talk to each other like this, but… it was never just us, and, it didn’t happen a lot. Maybe we are going insane, but… I don’t think that’s why we’re here now.”

“...I think… I mean, fusions aren’t just their components. There’s a third personality, a combination. I… I think we’re here because… because Steven isn’t.”

“...I wish I could say you were wrong.” He sighed, trying to blink away tears. “Who does that make us, then?”

He paused, then crawled over to the edge of the traincar, sitting, but not letting his feet dangle.

The night sky hung above him like an ocean. The two were similar in so many ways- full of life, but unexplored. Undiscovered. Yet Humans had told stories about them for as long as Humans had existed. Stories of dragons in the seas- though, there might be some truth to that. Perhaps those dragons had been Gems. Some of them might even be in the Little Homeschool.

But the sky had its own stories. Each star a word, an idea, knitted together in so many different patterns around the world. Stories of heroes, lovers, animals and monsters.

“You can see the Gemini constellation,” he mused to himself. It was rather pointless, but he didn’t really care. “The twins. Fitting.”

“I hope we can see it again someday. We probably won’t, but… I can still hope, I guess.” He paused. “The twins.”

“Yeah, that’s what I- oh. Oh.”

“Twin stars. Everyone thought it was just one star for a long while.”

“Pollux and Castor. One with a mortal father, one with a divine father, but in many stories, both immortal.”

“Yeah.”

“...I suppose that makes me Pollux then.”

He laughed. “Well then, he said, clasping his hands together. “It’s very nice to meet you, Pollux. I’m Castor.”

Pollux smiled. “It’s nice to meet you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can finally have names behind the colors now!  
> (I'd like to note- I do not have DID, nor do I personally know anyone with DID. But, I do often refer to myself in plural, or see myself as parts of a whole. It was one of the ways I was able to combat my depression, by recognizing that, not all my thoughts are my own. That there are different parts of my brain. I am not multiple people in one mind, but a mind made of multiple parts. The way I write Castor and Pollux is an expansion of those experiences.)
> 
> edit: realized some issues with plot holes and character inconsistencies.  
> edit: fixed some of Hazel's text.


	12. I Guess I'm Human No More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why are you trying to help me?  
> You don't even know who I am.

“Please, Hazel, just… start at the beginning.”

The Temple house was filled with people, all of them in varying stages of anxiety and uncertainty. Garnet sat in the corner of the couch, Lapis and Peridot to her right, Pearl and Amethyst to her left. Bismuth stood against a wall, while Connie stood next to Hazel, facing the others.

Hazel nodded. “About two weeks ago, a friend of mine- Shimmer- messaged me. She has been working alongside Yellow Diamond since the Freedom of Pearls Act, and has spoken kindly of her job. She informed me that not only was Steven on Homeworld temporarily, he had also taken up her offer of hiring a Pearl to assist him.”

“‘Course he ran off to Homeworld,” muttered Bismuth. “Anywhere else wasn’t good enough for him, huh?” Everyone pointedly ignored her, and Hazel continued.

“Due to a minor scheduling error, myself and two other Pearls arrived at his living space before he had awoken. He panicked at the unexpected change, and retreated to his room.” She paused. “Due to my… abnormalities, my sense of hearing is rather more acute than most Gems, which, while distracting and sometimes painful, allowed me to hear what he said.”

“So, what, we’re just eavesdropping on people now?” demanded Amethyst.

“I have never shared information that could harm anyone but those who deserve it,” said Hazel plainly. “What I heard in this instance was him arguing with himself, even yelling, insulting himself. Calling himself a coward. Telling himself to shut up. But when he exited again, there was no outward sign that he was distressed; in fact, he was quite polite and pleasant, reassuring Shimmer that she had done nothing wrong.”  
“Of the three Pearls that Shimmer had invited, I was the one he agreed to hire, even after seeing my face- in fact, he suggested that I wear this,” She gestured at the silver crown she wore, “to show pride in my appearance.”

“That part sounds like him, at least,” said Pearl. “But- this, this conversation- you must have misheard him!”

“That was far from the only time he spoke in such a way. In time I even noticed a change in his song- the instruments remained, but the notes were changed. The same voice singing two different songs, neither of them quite the same as Steven’s.”

“Songs can change-” argued Pearl.

“It happened in between sentences, over and over within a conversation.” Hazel paused, smiling a bit. “Not all of them were angry. Sometimes they were just conversations, and happy ones at that. But, even over the course of just eight cycles, they became more frequent. Sometimes he would slip up, refer to himself in the plural- there were many times that he spoke to me in one of the songs he spoke to himself with.”

Pearl shook her head. “This is absurd. This must be something that happened on Homeworld, he’s never-”

“He actually refers to himself in the plural a lot,” stated Connie. “He even asked me if I knew of anyone having conversations with themselves.”

“That- that’s just one instance-”

“Two, actually,” said Lapis. “At least with the plural stuff.”

“I…” Peridot shifted uncomfortably, eyeing the others in the room. “When I saw him last… we talked and he left and, there was something else I was gonna show him… and I heard him talking to himself, like Hazel said.” She moved closer to Lapis, curling up into a ball. Trying to make herself smaller.

“It was not until last cycle that he…” Hazel closed her eye. “The Diamonds requested a meeting with him. This was not unusual, except that it was with all three of them. I joined him. Yellow Diamond wanted to make his jurisdiction over Earth official, which would require him to have a Court, and a title befitting it. He seemed to have very little interest in the claiming of a title, only in ensuring that Earth was not under the rule of any of the existing Courts.  
“We spent much of the day together to prepare something that the Diamonds would approve of. I…” Hazel paused. “He needed a Court title, and, simply on a whim, I suggested the Star Court, which in turn would give him the title of Star Diamond. He agreed, as it seemed the most fitting name, and… and I sent it to the Diamonds.”

“Why would they want him to have a fancy title like that?” asked Amethyst.

“Upper-crust politics, that’s why,” growled Bismuth.

“Please, just… this is not easy for me,” said Hazel. 

Garnet spoke up for the first time since she’d arrive. “Go on. You can pause when you need to.”

Hazel nodded. “After… after I’d sent the message, we received another summons for later in the cycle. We attended, of course, wanting to know if the Diamonds had approved. But…” She put a hand to her mouth, her eye watering. “White Diamond was angry. Very angry. She… she said that Steven was trying to mock her, that he couldn’t be trusted. That he was demanding things of her. And then she-” Hazel sobbed- a strange sound, a monotone song mixed with the falling of tears. “She tried to grab him.”

Connie’s hand went to her mouth. “No. No. Please tell me she didn’t…”

“What? What happened?” Pearl seemed almost frantic.

“You don’t…” Connie stared. “You don’t remember. Oh god, of course you don’t, and of course he never told you…”

“What?” demanded Amethyst, hopping off the couch. “What didn’t he tell us?”

“When we… when we first met White Diamond, she… you were all being controlled by her and- I couldn’t stop her from… She grabbed Steven. Just picked him up like he was nothing, and she…” Connie’s voice was barely more than a whisper, but the deafening silence was more than enough of a stage for it. “She tore out Steven’s gemstone.”

The room erupted.

“ShE WHAT!?” squaked Pearl.

“That- that can’t be possible-” said Garnet, hugging herself tightly.

“I’ll kill her,” growled Lapis. “I’m going to shatter her-”

“STOP!”

They did. Everyone looked for the source of the interruption, their gazes falling on Amethyst, who stood atop the coffee table. “Connie,” she said calmly. “How the _hell_ is he not _dead_.”

“He… he almost was. I had to…” Connie scrunched up her face, her shoulders stiff. “Oh god, it was… his gemstone reformed into, I don’t know, some copy of him or something… it looked like him and sounded like him but…” She shivered. “I had to carry him over to his gemstone… he couldn’t even stand… there wasn’t a wound or a hole or anything but there was _so much blood_ and I-” She sobbed. “The Gem, he- _it_ , almost killed you guys, and Steven had to stop him… but then they were together and it… they danced. And then it was just Steven there.”

For a moment- just a moment- the room was still.

“He’s a fusion,” said Garnet. “A fusion of two halves to create a whole.”

“...no wonder he’s been talking to himself,” said Lapis. “Whatever’s messing with his head… it’s literally tearing him apart. He’s… he’s like Malachite.”

“He dissipated White Diamond,” stated Hazel. “She reached out to grab him and he- he just screamed. The other two Diamonds were too stunned to react, so… I led him away and we just ran. But, when I saw him, he wasn’t… something was wrong. He…” Hazel stopped. “No. I will show you.”

Over her gown she had worn a simple cloak, hiding her torso and most of her arms. Now, she took the hem of it, and, with a shaking hand, lifted it to reveal her gemstone.

It was undeniably a pearl, and it was undeniably misshapen, thin and curled to the side. Hazel removed the cloak, letting it vanish into sparks, and her gemstone glowed, projecting an image.

There was no sound, but as Hazel replayed the memory of hiding behind the pink throne, you could see the room shake, see her peer out from the corner. See her take Steven’s hand without a second thought.

The scene switched and now the camera moved from a tunnel to a clearing, then turned to look at the one who followed.

The figure was still recognizably Steven, with tears staining his cheeks. But the Steven they knew didn’t have horns like daggers pushing through his skin, didn’t have claws like a bear’s. He wasn’t covered in random patches of scale and hide.

The scene changed again, the camera looking around a field before spotting a figure, sitting on the ground, rocking back and forth. “He was completely incoherent when we reached Earth,” said Hazel. “His song was barely recognizable as Gemsong, let alone as his own. I tried to approach him, but…” The camera neared the figure, until it stopped, looking down at a dried up vine underfoot. When it looked up again…

Steven stared at them through the hologram, his eyes pitch black save for the tiny, glowing pupils. He moved slowly, carefully, his gaze never wavering, until-

There was a blur of movement and the camera was flung aside. It turned, looking up to see Steven staring down in horror, hands over his mouth, his eyes no longer those of an animal. He stepped back, then turned and simply ran. The hologram vanished. 

“Even when he… when he actually saw me, I don’t believe he recognized me. Simply knew that he had hurt me.”

“Hazel came and found me right after that,” said Connie, picking up the story. “When we got there, he was gone. The three of us searched everywhere but couldn’t find him…”

“The three of us?” asked Pearl.

“...Jasper was one of the last people to see him. She was with me when Hazel showed up. She… Jasper told me that, something had happened in the woods, before he left for Homeworld. That… that he had _shattered_ her. That was why he’d come back to the house, to heal her. That’s why you found her in a bubble.”

Bismuth shook her head. “No. No way. Nuh-uh. I- something’s gotta be going on, right? It- this is some kind of imposter or something. This can’t be Steven.”

“...yeah it can.”

“...what?”

Amethyst looked up, tears in her eyes. “I kept seeing him go near the Temple then just, like, run off somewhere, so I followed him… he’s been going to Jasper’s cave like, almost every day, and they always end up fighting each other!”

“That doesn’t mean he would hurt her,” argued Pearl.

“Not on purpose, but like, the other Diamonds are ridiculously strong, and we’ve already seen that Steven could beat most of us in a fair fight, or at least come to a standstill. Some of the stuff he was using against Jasper was stuff I’ve never seen him do before- like, like make these big spike walls, or- or- I dunno, but, he’s not just some sweet little kid anymore!”

“He…” Pearl played with her jacket. “At the Reef, when we went to heal Pip… he got so angry about something Rose had done that he… he just screamed! And everything around him just… broke.”

Outside, the waves crashed against the shore. Gulls squaked. Peridot started sobbing again.

“Hazel.” Garnet spoke up, staring directly at the aforementioned Pearl. “You did the right thing by coming here. Thank you.” Hazel nodded, and Garnet looked down, her hands in her lap.  
“Steven needs our help. I don’t know how any of this has happened, but, that doesn’t matter right now. We need to put a stop to whatever’s _doing_ this to him. But first, we need to find him.” She stood up, looking at Connie. “Connie. You may not have known Steven quite as long as we have, but he trusts you. He knows you, and you know him. You will be our guide.”

Garnet continued talking, rallying the other Gems, but Connie had stopped listening already.

_Of course I’m their guide. Why rely on yourself when you can rely on a perfectly capable Human? It’s not like I’m barely sixteen or anything, that doesn’t matter at all!_

She left the house, going unnoticed by everyone else.

“The fusion thinks it’s some kind of machine or something,” observed Jasper from her spot beneath the porch. “What do you think?”

“...why are you asking when you already know?” replied Connie, numbly.

“Because I want you to admit it to yourself,” explained Jasper.

Connie closed her eyes. “I think that there’s no magic here except Steven’s. No bad guy. Nothing to fix or punch or whatever.”

Jasper nodded, though there was no satisfaction behind it. Connie sighed and continued.

“No one’s doing this to him. He’s doing it to himself. He… he’s corrupted himself, and he’s pulling himself apart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: fixed Hazel's text.


	13. I Can Tell I’ve Rotted In Your Brain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I won't be able to hurt them anymore

It's a gorgeous day in Beach City. The perfect day to spend time on the beach.

Not that Steven and Connie are doing anything different than they normally do, but it's still nice.

“Human names are just so weird,” Steven muses as he lays on his back, playing with a seashell he’d found. “You only have the one! And you just tell it to anyone!”

Connie gives him an odd look. “I mean, I’d say you have a pretty Human name, but I think you and your dad are the only people I’ve ever heard of with the last name ‘Universe’.”

Steven laughs. “No! I mean- oh, gosh, this is kind of hard to explain.”

“What, names?”

“Well- not names, _Names_.”

“...you’ve already lost me.” Connie pauses as Steven huffs in annoyance. “Maybe there just isn’t a word for it in English.”

“It’s like-” Steven gestures about with his hands. “Okay, so, all Gems basically have two different names- their name, which is like, what kind of Gem they are, and their Name, which is, like, it’s unique to them, and like, kind of important.”

“Oh!” Connie’s eyes light up. “Like Faeries!”

“Huh?”

“People used to think that if a Faerie knew your ‘True Name’- which was really just your full name but in some stories it’s something special- they would have power over you, so you only gave that name to people you trusted.”

“Yeah! Kind of like that. I don’t think knowing it gives you any special powers though. If it did then maybe I could stop Amethyst from drinking all the ketchup.” He shudders. “It truly is a terrible thing to behold,” he said dramatically.

Connie laughs. “So, do you have a True Name as well? Oh! That’s probably kind of rude to ask.”

“No, no, not really. It’s just…” Steven frowns. “It’s kinda hard to tell it to you ‘cause you would just hear my name.”

“Well, I’d still like to hear you try.”

“I mean, you’d have to listen to me just saying ‘Steven’ over and over until I got it.”

Connie shrugs. “Better than tennis practice.”

“...okay then.”

Most people have noticed that, if you say a word enough times, it loses its meaning. You stop seeing the word as what the word means, and start seeing it as simply a jumble of letters. In order to hear a Gem’s song when they spoke, you had to train yourself to do the same thing- to hear both the meaning, and the song behind it.

Connie had enough practice at this to hear that, even though it was just getting translated as plain old ‘Steven’, the song behind it was completely different- almost like he was trying to replicate someone else’s.

“ _Budding Flower of Joy_.”

“Wh- stop! I think I got it!”

“...really?” asked Steven, with legitimate surprise.

“I mean, I might not have… it didn’t sound like a name, really.”

He shrugs. “Gem Names don’t really sound like Human names, I guess.”

Connie stares at him. “I mean… what I heard was ‘Budding Flower of Joy’, but that doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

Steven grins. “Yeah! That’s pretty much it! I mean, it’s kind of a simplified version, but that’s okay!”

“No.”

Steven falters. “Wh-what do you mean, no?”

Connie looks up at him, and Steven is suddenly very aware that her eyes are glowing bright pink. “That is not your name.”

“C-Connie?” Steven scampers back on the sand. “What’s going on?”

She stands, and no longer is she the Connie he’d known years ago, but the Connie he knows now, with short hair and calloused hands. “Since when do you bring joy?” she asks him flatly. “You’re a murderer.”

“I- I didn’t mean to!” Storm clouds gather like smog, a pinkish tinge to all of them.

“You killed Jasper. You attacked Hazel. And White Diamond… I wonder if her Gem survived that drop unscathed?”

Tears burn his eyes. “Connie, please, I’m _sorry_ -”

“If you were sorry then you would have left long ago!” she screams at him. “But you didn’t, and people are going to get hurt because of you! You don’t have the _right_ to be sorry!”

“Connie, I-” He reaches out to her and she dissolves into clouds before he’s barely moved an inch.

Something roars in the distance. Behind the wall of clouds, something shifts, something immense.

A beast pushes through the clouds, as tall as the temple, covered in pale pink spikes, and thick scales for armor. From its face come two jagged horns, and below them two jagged tusks.

“ _ **No-one needs you anymore,**_ ” growls the monster, staring at him passively. There is no anger in its expression, in its tone. “ _ **There’s no reason for you to be here anymore. So… why are you still here?**_ ”

The monster’s open jaws descend on him as Steven realizes that he has no answer to that question.

* * *

Steven gasped as he jolted awake, desperately trying to get a hold of his surroundings. But there were no clouds, no monsters-

Well. That wasn’t entirely true.

He groaned, trying to rub some of the sleep out of his eyes with the butt of his palm. His fingers had partially fused together, and that combined with the thick claws meant that he really didn’t want to try putting them anywhere near his eyes.

He looked down at the stone floor beneath him, seeing a garden of moss and fungus underneath. He’d been bleeding again, it seemed.

Steven stood up wearily, finally becoming accustomed to the shape of his legs. His foot had flattened out into something like an elephant’s foot, padded and sturdy. No, the real issue when it came to balance right now was the tail that had decided to push its way through his lower back, creating nerve endings that hadn’t existed before. It was a near constant feeling of pins and needles. He didn’t want to think about why he kept having that same feeling in his sides.

He walked over to one of the pools of water that had collected in this part of the cave. The whites of his eyes were a dark magenta now, and the tusks pushing out of his jaw were at least an inch long. And…

He ran a hand through his hair to discover a pointed scale pushing out of the top of his head, and another at the back of it. Moving a hand down along his spine he found that the whole thing was covered in sharp, irregular points. His arms and shoulders were the same, though those were a bit more blunted.

“Stars, I’m a mess…” he muttered to himself. He slouched against one of the scattered rocks, not even caring about the distant pain in his tail. He didn’t want to- wait. He said _I’m_ a mess. “I’m me again,” he realized out loud. “I’m- I’m not split anymore! I’m-” He stopped. “I’m just talking to myself. Great.”

He stood back up with an annoyed huff, stretching a bit. He winced when he heard the sound of a torn seam. His clothes were pretty much a wreck, he already knew that, but, he wasn’t exactly planning on going around naked. He wasn’t a _complete_ animal.

“At least for now,” he thought out loud as he continued his trek deeper into the cave system.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm intending to start uploading these every Monday/Wednesday/Friday, at least in theory. I don't want to burn myself this quickly.
> 
> edit: apparently not? sorry.


	14. I Craft My Words To Fit Your Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M A FRAUD  
> (They didn't know?)  
> I'M A FRAUD  
> (They really didn't know!)  
> I'M A FRAUD  
> (How did they not know)  
> I'M A FRAUD  
> (...why didn't you care enough to see how broken I was?)  
> I'M A-

Amethyst knew it was a mistake from the start.

Steven had been showing signs of this for ages now… tiny things, things you wouldn’t notice if you weren’t looking for them. Certain words, certain sounds, making him flinch away. His smile was stiff, static, held in place by marionette strings. Strings that had been cut away, letting drop the mask he’d worn.

But… what _else_ could she do? She knew Connie didn’t approve of the plan, that was easy enough to tell, even Pearl seemed to notice, despite all of her focus seemingly used up keeping herself from breaking down. All of them were hurting, asking themselves why they hadn’t seen this.

But even with all those hints, it still truly felt like Steven had simply vanished on them, hiding away in the woods, appearing like a cryptid in the middle of the night, only to flee to Homeworld and cut off any and all contact. If Hazel hadn’t found Connie, they’d all still be in the dark.

Not that they really knew anything more than they once did.

As Garnet discussed things with Pearl, Amethyst moved Connie off to the side. “This isn’t right,” she growled quietly. “I mean- _yeah_ , he was acting weird for a while, but… there’s _gotta_ be something _making_ him do this, right?”

Connie didn’t look at her, just kept grooming through Lion’s fur. “What’s the plan if there isn’t?” she asked calmly.

“I don’t know,” replied Amethyst, surprised by her own honesty. “I mean- something’s messing with his head, messing with his powers- we both know how _badly_ shapeshifting can go for him… but like…” She trailed off, glancing back at Garnet and Pearl. “ _I dunno, man!_ I just- I just want him to be _okay_ , y’know? And- and he’s _not_ and-” She hugged herself tightly. “And _we’re_ not either.”

Connie stopped her repetitive grooming, shoulders falling. “Amethyst…”

“No, _please_ don’t, really. I’m not gonna fall apart on you. Trust me, I did more than a bit of that in my Temple room. I just…” Amethyst clenched her fists, double checking that they were out of earshot of the other two Crystal Gems. “Like, you know Steven a lot better than we ever could. And like, I am a _bit_ jealous- but I also know that you have a _way_ better idea of what’s going on in his head. Right now, I’m pretty sure the chances of any of us stopping Garnet are like, _zilch_ , but- do what you gotta, yeah? I…” She bit her lip. “I just want him to be okay.”

“...I promise you that I’ll do everything I can.”

Amethyst nodded, then, without warning, gave Connie a tight hug, before running off to the other Gems.

* * *

The plan was simple enough. Lion had a connection to Steven, and would be able to portal them near enough to him. Connie would stay with Lion in case they needed backup or a quick exit. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl would find Steven and talk to him, try and reassure him, figure out how they could help them.

Lion’s portal tore through space, landing them in a vast cavern, all greys and blues, softly glowing mushrooms casting eerie light across still puddles of water, the constant dripping echoing through everything.

The ceiling towered above them, long tendrils of pale vines reaching down like fingers waiting to grab them. Unseen creatures skittered about, retreating to their homes to wait out the new arrival.

Pearl gasped upon seeing their surroundings. “The Turtle Caverns…” she said, almost reverently. “I haven’t been in here since… oh, at _least_ 500 years ago now.”

“I thought the Turtle Caverns were a myth?” asked Connie, despite being used to finding out about how so many old myths and folktales had grains of truth to them, often involving Gems.

Pearl sighed. “ _Yes_ , well… there had been some… _conflict_ , between the peoples living here. We weren’t _going_ to get involved, but then things got worse. People started getting sick, running out of food… we tried to help who we could, bringing them here to recover and stay safe. The entrance was…” She paused. “It was _sealed_ , only unlockable with the Pink Diamond gemstone.”

“Steven’s gone through here,” stated Garnet.

“Did- did you See him?” asked Pearl.

“I wish I had.” She pointed to the ground, where a garden of plants and fungi had sprouted, a distinct impression in the middle. The rocks around it were scattered with dried blood, still such a bright magenta that it almost seemed to glow. Pearl gasped, her tears flowing down her face despite all efforts.

Amethyst huffed. “We need to go _find_ him! I’m freaked out too, but we gotta help him, yeah?”

Pearl nodded. “I- _yes_. You’re right.” She turned to Connie. “You’re certain you’re okay on your own?”

“Yeah. I’ve got Lion and I’ve got my sword. I’ll be fine.”

Garnet looked at her impassively for a moment, then turned towards one of the tunnels. “This way. He’s not far from us.”

The other two Gems followed her, and once they were out of earshot, Connie moved over to the luminescent garden, grown of shed blood. She almost hated how beautiful it was- perhaps, if it was withered, rotten, it wouldn’t hurt so much to think about how it had come to be.

She sat in the depression where Steven had lay, the shape of it much larger than she was, and began to cry.

* * *

“We’re going to starve down here,” lamented Castor.

“So what?” said Pollux, uncaring. “It’s better than getting killed out there-”

“The Gems wouldn’t hurt us!”

“Sure they wouldn’t. And remember- it’s for them that we’re in here. They’re safe. We can’t hurt them.”

“I don’t want to die-!”

Steven’s hand moved to his arm, claws gripping into his skin, pushing past scale and flesh. He kept the pressure there, waiting, waiting. They could focus on the physical pain to keep everything else from hurting as much. “You’re just making things worse,” insisted Pollux. “We- I don’t- they don’t want us there! We aren’t needed, we aren’t safe to be around. We’re alone here, we won’t-”

“STEVEN! STEVEN, WHERE ARE YOU?” The voice echoed through the tunnels, distorting it, but the song was recognizable nevertheless.

“...No, no, no, no, this isn’t happening, this can’t be happening, this isn’t happening this isn’t happening this isn’t happening-” Pollux’s song skipped like a broken record as he shook, hand over his mouth.

“We have to go, we have to go now,” interrupted Castor, pulling them away from their looping thoughts.

“They’ll find us anyways, they found us once-”

“Steven!” Pearl’s notes of frantic strings were close, too close. “Steven, oh, oh thank the stars we found you-”

“...Pearl?”

Pearl faltered for a moment, hearing the altered song. “I- yes, I’m here Steven!” They could see her standing on the far side of the cave they were in, smaller than the previous one, one side far brighter than the others. To Castor and Pollux, Pearl was well illuminated, but they remained in the dark.

“Why are you here.”

“Steven! We’re here to help you.” Garnet’s song rang out like a bass drum, a song they’d once seen as a source of stability. “Please- we’re here. We want to help.”

In that moment the conflict between the two halves vanished, replaced by Steven’s own sense of relief. I’m okay. I can be okay now. “Garnet…” he sobbed, moving closer to them. As he moved into the light, Amethyst joined them, and all three Gems gasped upon seeing him. He flinched back, but they didn’t move, didn’t react any past that. “I’m- I’m sorry… I’m so, so sorry…”

“Steven…” Her song was soothing, familiar. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I know you. I know you wouldn’t do this.”

His breath caught in his throat. “What- what are you talking about?” he gasped out.

“Hazel told us, what happened on Homeworld,” explained Pearl calmly. “Her theory of… of you being a fusion…”

“I want to know if it was true,” said Garnet.

Wh- that was what they wanted to know? Not why he’d hidden this from them, why he’d ran, why he’d hurt so, so many people. “I- I think so, yeah-” he stuttered.

“I can’t imagine how confusing this must be for you,” she said to him, palms out in a gesture of- reassurance? Showing him that she understood? “That feeling of uncertainty about your identity- wondering who you are, if you’re even real, or just some figment of your components’ imaginations.”

Steven frowned. “You’re not mad? About- about what I did?”

Amethyst smiled at him. “Dude, it’s alright! You weren’t mad at us when White Diamond was messing with our heads, right?”

~~_“Oh thank you, White Diamond, I feel excellent now!”_ ~~

~~_“Look, Pink- I’ve removed their flaws! Now they are perfect!”_ ~~

~~_“Now they are **me!** ”_ ~~

“But- but you weren’t doing any of that stuff- it wasn’t you saying that!”

“Well, duh, that’s the point! Whatever’s making you do all this stuff, it’s not your fault!”

Steven could hear his heartbeat, its echoing in his chest mimicking the echoing of the cavern. They didn’t know. They didn’t know. They didn’t know. “But- there- there’s-”

“Steven, please, tell us who or what it is that’s doing this to you,” pleased Garnet, smiling at him. “We’ll be able to help you then.”

Steven couldn't help it. He _laughed_. They didn’t know! They really didn’t know! It hurt, so, so much, his already twisted insides being pushed around as he just giggled like a child. “ _Help me?_ I don’t know what you’re talking about, really. I’m fine!” Tears welled up in his eyes, though whether it was from the laughter or the pain, he didn’t know.

“Steven, this isn’t you!” said Garnet. “Whatever’s making you do this-”

Steven just laughed and laughed and _laughed_. “Making me? No, no, no-one’s made us do _anything_. _This_ is just _me_.” He threw his hands up. “I mean- have I done some things wrong? _Sure!_ I freaked out a bit on Hazel. We had a _bit_ of a breakdown, but I mean, what teenager _hasn't?_ ” He just kept smiling at them even as the thorns broke through his skin. “Dad and I had a little disagreement, but- that's practically a rite of passage! I mean, it would be weird if we didn't, right?”

His song shifted, the chiptune notes and calm strings vanishing as Castor took over. He couldn’t hold himself together, not anymore. Not his mind, and not his body, if the horrible, horrible pain in his sides was any indication. “And _maybe_ , we've had a not-so-nice thought or two about, oh, you know, _tearing my own throat out_ , but it's not like we actually went _through_ with it! I only _actually_ shattered Jasper!” The sound of shifting bones echoed around them as his form pushed itself further and further, until a second set of hands gestured along with the first once they’d ripped through skin and muscle. The pink blood that dripped around them healed the torn skin in moments.

“No,” insisted Pearl. “No. That- that had to have been a lie-”

“Oh, _don't worry!_ ” His song had changed again, computerized and synthetic, intense and determined, but just as manic. Pollux’s song was one of a machine, driven by rage. His eyes were completely black now, the stark white diamonds and glowing pink irises all the more visible. “She’s just fine now! We fixed that too! We can fix _anything_. We don’t even have to _try_ anymore! It doesn’t matter how much I keep _cutting_ into my own skin, it heals itself anyways- so it’s _fine!_ ” He was at least as tall as Garnet now, his skin splitting as it tore at the seams, only to be healed by the dripping ichor. There weren’t even scars. “We can just keep messing up and fixing things forever, and you'll never have to know or think about any of it!”

His laughter turned into a choked sob. “How _messed up_ is that?” he cried, soft strums of a guitar, the distress of high strings. “That we've gotten _away_ with this for so long. You have _no idea_ how bad we are. You didn’t know there were _two_ of us.”

The synthetic song became angry, hateful. “You think I'm so _great_ , and I'm so _mature_ , and I always know what to do, but that's _not true!_ I haven't learned a _thing_ from my problems! They've all just made us _worse!_ ”

“You think of us as some _angel_ , but I’m not that kid anymore!”

“We’re frauds.”

“I’m a fraud.”

“I’m a _monster_.” He fell to his knees and curled up, the jagged spines on his back all the more prominent. “Now we just look the part.”

Garnet stepped towards him, reaching out. “Steven, that’s not true-”

His gaze snapped up to her instantly, and a pink wall of diamonds constructed itself between them. “Don’t try to follow us,” he said calmly, despite the tears in his eyes, the soft dripping of blood against stone. He picked himself up and continued into the cave, not bothering to look back.

Steven was gone.

(He had been for a while.)

(...It was better this way.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do note that when trying to add the blood and such to the added drawing, it ended up making things very badly cluttered, and as such I had to remove it, so keep that in mind.  
> (Sometimes you need to give up some accuracy in order to keep it visually legible...)


	15. ‘Cause No-One Listens To The Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why are you still here?  
> I'm not getting any better.  
> You should just go home.  
> It's safer that way.

_How did they not see?_

_How did they-_

_It’s my fault, I hid it from them-_

_I thought they cared_

_I want them to care about me but I don’t want them to worry but I want them to care for me but-_

_I wanna go home now_

_I wish I knew what home looked like_

_...I’m scared_

_Please make this stop_

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

_I just want to go home_

* * *

It felt like they’d come out of a trance. It wasn’t the same as waking up- they were already awake, already moving, already active. What had they been doing?

They looked down at their hands- no, not hands, claws, and saw them worn down and covered with streaks of grime and bits of dirt. They looked up, and saw sunlight overhead. A tunnel behind them, just barely enough to fit their body, pushed its way through the earth.

They’d run and been trapped and just kept going and-

Castor tried to say something, tried to make some dumb joke to lighten the mood, but all that came out was a dry static. Water… water, they needed water, they were so thirsty, how had they not noticed?

He tried to stand, tried to look around for a stream or pond or something, but tipped forwards, unable to balance their weight.

I don’t think we can stand upright anymore

No. Please. I don’t want to-

We’re too far gone.

Castor let out a choking sob as he looked at himself, skin hardened into scales, rose thorns pushing through. Everything hurt- parts moving and shifting, then healing themselves immediately, only to shift again, over and over and over and-

Pollux took over as Castor kept spiralling, unable to keep his thoughts from looping like a broken record. They were thirsty, they needed to find water. That was simple enough.

Each step hurt; not physically, but the constant pain of _this isn’t right_. He ignored it and kept moving. They weren’t as far from Beach City as he’d hoped; he recognized parts of this forest as being the area around Jasper’s cave. That made finding water easier, but…

There was a lake nearby, small enough that it wasn’t often visited but large enough that it wasn’t just a stagnant pond. Pollux paused before nearing it, looking in his mind to try and find Castor.

I’m here. I’m sorry. I just can’t…

Then don’t. I can keep us safe.

Don’t hurt anyone. Please

...okay.

He wanted to shut his eyes before he could see his reflection, refuse to accept the _thing_ they’d turned into. But he didn’t. He couldn’t.

They weren’t even recognizable anymore. Any unique feature, any bit of Humanity, was gone, or very nearly so. Sloppy patches of dark curls remained in a few places, but a single brush of a paw pulled them out without effort. His eyes were midnight black, with glowing pink and white staring through. Two sets of tusks adorned the sides of his mouth, the same bleached pink as the thorns.

Burning magenta tears fell across the monster’s face as it cried.

It wondered what it was crying about as it lapped up the water without a care in the world. It was much stronger than anything else in this forest, after all. It lifted its head to survey the shores of the lake.

Once it was certain there was nothing to concern itself with, it huffed and turned around, continuing to explore the lands around it.

The monster was content.

Maybe it’s better this way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha I totally didn't forget I was gonna upload something today and then churned this out in like a half an hour or anything.  
> Totally.  
> (Despite the summary, I can tell you that this will eventually have a happy ending.)  
> (He just doesn't know that.)
> 
> edit: Forgot to colour the twin stars' text. Whoops.


	16. So Maybe I Will Talk To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you ignore something long enough, you can convince yourself it’s not there  
> But it will always come back  
> It will always remind you  
> You will never be safe from me

Connie had been worried, at first, that the Gems would be suspicious of her. That they would notice she was up to something.

She didn’t have to worry about them noticing _anything._

Pearl looked like she’d been hollowed out, like something had taken that spark in her eyes and doused it. Amethyst was barely keeping herself from bringing the walls down around them. Garnet unfused before her eyes- Sapphire just sitting in place, silent tears running from her single eye; Ruby huddled in a corner yelling at herself.

She wanted to stay and help them, she really did. But she had something she needed to do.

“Take care of them,” she whispered to Lion, knowing that the oddly intelligent creature would know what to do. Or, she hoped he would, because she certainly didn’t.

She turned and continued down the tunnel the Gems had come from.

* * *

Connie kept moving through the tunnels, following the path marked by gouges in the floor and in the walls, until she found a large room that was far away enough from the Crystal Gems. She removed the two objects she kept in her backpack, each carefully wrapped in old newspapers. She removed them from their wrappings, set them on the ground, and waited, and remembered.

_“They won’t be able to help him,” growled Jasper. “Not if they’re part of the reason why he’s like this.”_

_“I know, but- what else can I do? If he gets violent again, I won’t be able to protect myself, I’m just-” Connie put a hand on her face to try and stop the tears. “I’m just a Human.”_

_“Then I’ll go with you.”_

_“What? But- I thought you hated him!”_

_“...I probably should hate him. But I don’t. I think…” Jasper looked down at her clawed hand, dotted with blemishes of green. “I think I might actually get what he’s going through right now.”_

_“I wish to go as well.”_

_Connie and Jasper both turned to look at Hazel in surprise. They’d almost forgotten she was there. “Are you sure?”_

_“I cannot hold my own in a fight, but I am perceptive. More so than any Gem I have met. I have observed Steven enough to know what signs I should look for to determine if he may become violent.”_

_Connie wanted to argue with her, to say that Steven would never hurt her. And that was true, in part- Steven would never hurt her, not in his right mind. But his mind was broken. Fragmented. Shatter- no. No. Connie sighed. “Okay. But I still have no idea how I would bring either of you with me! Amethyst will be riding on Lion with me, and the other two will be in his mane. You won’t be able to hide from them.”_

_Jasper peered at her thoughtfully, her gold eyes flickering up and down her body in a way that was eerily similar to a predator watching its prey. “You do have pockets,” she eventually said._

_“...yes? And?”_

_“You could fit our gemstones in there.”_

_“Wh- I’m not gonna just poof you!”_

_Hazel frowned. “I fear I may be too fragile to be safely carried in such a way.”_

_“Hmm. Good point. You could carry us that bag of yours, wrap us up in something soft or whatever.”_

_“I’m still not gonna poof you!”_

_“You have your sword right there,” Jasper pointed out, still looking completely unfazed. “And you’ve done it before. Or your fusion has. The tall one.”_

_“You mean Stevonnie?”_

_“Yeah! That one.” Jasper saw how hesitant Connie was, even with one hand on the hilt of her sword. “Kid, just do it. I’m literally just standing here.”_

_“Yeah, but- last time we only did it because you were trying to kill us!”_

_“...so you’re saying that it would help if I did that?”_

_“NO!”_

_“We’re on a time limit, kid!”_

_Hazel just rolled her eyes, and, reaching beneath her pale pink cloak, summoned her weapon. It was barely even recognizable as a weapon, resembling a letter opener or pen rather than a blade. But after an affirming nod from Jasper, she swung the dagger with pinpoint accuracy, cutting a fine line clean through the orange Gem’s neck._

_She caught the falling gemstone without pause, then handed it to an utterly shocked Connie. “I can repeat the same with myself, however, you would need to catch my gemstone,” she stated without emotion, as always._

_“...what did you say your job was?”_

_“I believe the closest translation is ‘secretary’.”_

_“...oh. Okay.”_

Connie couldn’t help but smile a bit. Of course Steven had managed to befriend the most terrifying person possible. She wouldn’t be surprised if she had originally been planning to assassinate him but changed her mind after getting to know him. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Jasper was the first to regenerate now that she was removed from her papery encasement. It was frightening, seeing an uncorrupted Gem reform, seeing their amorphous form seem to take shape, then glitch and change and break into an impossible monster, before finally pulling itself together into what vaguely resembled a Human form.

Jasper stretched her arms, yawning a bit. Her outfit was largely the same, but with a plain shirt and gauntlets that went up to her elbow.

“Are you okay?” asked Connie, unable to help herself from being concerned about a Gem that had tried to kill her on multiple occasions.

“Just fine. Us Quartzes are taught how to reform quickly on the battlefield, y’know. _That_ was me taking my time.”

“Oh.” She looked at the other gemstone she’d brought, curled and misshapen, seemingly insignificant. It was rather pretty in its imperfection, she thought, looking at how the strange blue lights glinted off of it. “How long do you think Hazel will take?”

Jasper shrugged. “Not too long, probably. She knows she’s on a schedule.”

Seemingly on cue, the gleaming pearl rose up into the air, shifting through dozens of different forms before finally settling. Her hair and dress remained as they had been, but her shawl was gone now, replaced by a necklace that both highlighted and protected her gemstone. She was no longer in shades of pink, but rather in reds and browns, a palette matching her name. “I do hope I didn’t make you wait,” she said. “I made sure to prepare my appearance before I needed to reform.”

“You’re fine, Hazel,” assured Connie. “We ought to get moving though. I don’t want to find out what might happen if Steven is out there like this for any longer than he has to be.”

* * *

In the middle of a sunny clearing lay a monster.

It sighed, content to soak up the warm rays of the sun above. It listened to the creatures around it as they moved and sang and foraged, each one busy with its own job. It didn’t move after them, it had no reason to just yet. It would let them think they were safe, until it needed to eat.

For now it laid peacefully on the soft grass, six legs tucked beneath it, its back protected by a thick layer of scales and spines. It had no reason to worry.

There was a new sound.

The monster’s head rose up, turning this way and that in minute movements, trying to pinpoint what it had heard. Something coming this way. No, three somethings. One was big- though not as big as it- and the others were smaller. There was a smell on the breeze as well- only one of them had a scent though. That was strange.

The spines on its back rose to defend itself, rippling in waves of pink. This forest belonged to the monster, and no-one else.

* * *

Jasper had led at first, leading them along a trail that was surprisingly hard to follow, considering just how massive Steven had become. Eventually, Hazel stopped her, and led them on sound alone.

Connie couldn’t contain her gasp as she saw the clearing. When she saw what Steven had become. When she saw the _monst-_

“...Steven?”

His horn-crowned head whipped around to face her, white pupils shrinking against black. He rose slightly, a growl low in his throat.

Connie stepped towards him slowly, hands at her side, palms open. She neared him and his growling grew, until she disconnected her scabbard and threw it aside, and knelt in front of him, trying to look small. “Do you recognize me?” she whispered in hope and terror. “It’s- it’s Connie. You know me. You’re- you’re my best friend.”

The creature blinked at her, and its pupils grew wide again, irises losing their black hue and glowing pink once again.

**“ Conn… nniee…”**

His voice was rough, broken, like he’d been crying for days- he probably _had_ been. He blinked and brilliant magenta tears appeared, different from the rose-colored ones she’d always associated with his healing. They fell on the grass below them, and a small cluster of vines and thorns grew, suffocating the flowers beneath them.

“Steven…” Connie sobbed, holding herself tight. “You’re still in there.”

Steven looked away, frustrated. **“  
Not… can’t think… all blurry. Brain… broken. Broken. Broken.”**

“You’re not broken. I- I know it must feel like it, but it’s not true. You need help, yes, but that’s _okay_. You’ve helped so many people…” She smiled at him. “Let _them_ help _you_ for once, Steven.”

**“ I… not him. Not- Steven, gone. Just us now. Just me now.”**

“You’re… you’re _part_ of him,” said Connie. “One of his components.” The creature nodded. “Do you… do you have a name?”

**“ Pollux... twin, gemini. Half. Twin stars, Pollux and Castor. Twin stars.”**

Connie nodded. This wasn’t… this wasn’t what she had expected, but, he didn’t need to know that just yet, not when he was hanging on by a thread. “I like it. And it’s okay if you’re not Steven, or, not all of him.”

 **“ You… you were scared of me. You carried him to me.”** The sentence was surprisingly coherent, determined.

“You’re… you’re the Gem half. The one that appeared in White’s head.”

 **“ Half,”** agreed Pollux with a nod.

“I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been scared of you.”

Pollux looked away again, his spines flaring. **“ No. Should have- scared of me, good, cautious, scared. Safe. Safe. Would have- didn’t care if hurt, had to, other half had to stop me. Almost killed them. Hurt them. Hurt you.”**

He wasn’t wrong- she remembered oh-so-vividly when White had tried to kill him, only for him to deflect the attack back to her and her puppets- except that those puppets had been the other Crystal Gems. If Steven- no, Castor- hadn’t stopped him…

“Okay. You did make a mistake. But Castor stopped you, and no-one got hurt.”

Pollux closed his eyes, but nodded. Tears continued to fall, sprouting a garden of thorns beneath his head. But Connie ignored it.

She stood up slowly, not wanting to startle him, and put a hand on his nose, feeling the warm breath, slow and regular. “I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re gonna be okay. I know you will.”

**“ What if… what if I don’t- don’t heal. Stay like this. Stay broken.”**

“Then we’ll figure things out. I’ll still come visit you, even if you can’t understand me.”

Pollux sobbed. **“ But I- I’m a monster…”**

“No. No, you’re _not_. You’re my best friend.”

**“ I’m not Steven.”**

“But you’re part of him. And you have his memories. You recognized me.” She smiled at him. “I don’t care if you’re Steven or Pollux or Castor or whoever you decide to be- I will always be here for you.”

And right there, right then, she honestly believed that, and he did too- just a little bit of hope shining through.

Connie wiped away one of his tears and _shrieked._

She fell back on the grass, clutching her hand- she’d only touched it for a moment, but the magenta liquid had burned like acid, leaving her hand red and throbbing.

Pollux lurched back, eyes wide. **“ I- I- no, I didn’t-”**

“It’s okay!” insisted Connie, forcing a smile. “It hurt, but I’m okay! You didn’t know and I didn’t know either, it was just an accident.”

Pollux shook his head, backing up away from her. **“ Can’t- I can’t be here- not safe! Not safe with me. I’ll just- I hurt you, I hurt you, I hurt- I-”** His eyes welled with more tears, with poisonous vines bursting to life as they fell, wrapping around his legs. Connie tried to move close but couldn't for fear of getting to near his thrashing movements, frantic and uncontrolled.

“Ste- _Pollux!_ ”

 **“ Just leave me alone!”** he roared. **“ Just- please, leave us alone…”** He finally pulled his way out of the brambles, shaking, but staying in place.

“Pollux…”

Connie tried to step forwards, to comfort him, but she was pulled back with a sudden lurch, yanking her to the ground as a massive paw swiped at the air where she had been.

“We need to _go_ , kid,” said Jasper with an urgency and fear that Connie could never have imagined coming from her.

“But- I have to _help_ him!” Connie looked back up at Pollux as he stared at her in utter terror now that his reaction had caught up with him.

“I don’t think we _can_ help him right now.”

Connie wanted to argue with her, she wanted to kick and yell and _scream_ until her lungs were _aching_ , wanted to fight her way back, but…

Steven’s eyes- and she _knew_ it was Steven, even if she didn’t know how- were a dark purple now, staring at her with a familiarity that seemed alien against his monstrous form. He backed up into the forest, and, before turning to run, said one last thing.

_**“I’m sorry.”** _

Connie stared at the retreating shadow as it bounded through the woods, its form pushing and shoving into an unwanted change as it did so.

She held Jasper tightly, needing nothing more than someone to cry on.

The ground shook.

Steven screamed in pain.

A monster roared.

Connie cried.

_There’s nothing left of him._


	17. The Only Way I Know How To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...do I know you?

Jasper had let Connie cry for barely more than a moment before hefting her up under her massive striped arm, with Hazel under the other arm.

“Wh- what are you-” Connie barely managed to stumble around the question.

“Bringing you two to the colony,” stated Jasper as she ran through the forest. She wasn’t exactly graceful, but she knew this territory, knew the paths. “I’m gonna drop you off and see if I can slow Steven down a bit. Buy you some time while people get evacuated.”

“Jasper, you don’t stand a _chance_ against him right now!”

“I don’t stand a chance against him at _all_ , kiddo. I said I’d try and slow him down. There’s no way I’m gonna stop him.” Jasper glanced back briefly, and Connie tried to follow her gaze, barely able to see more than a sliver behind her.

An impossibly huge light was coalescing into- into something, something with massive jaws that snapped at the air, with legs that shook the ground as they fell. Something with a roar she didn’t just hear, but _felt_.

When Jasper got them to the entrance of the Little Homeworld, she immediately turned around and ran back the way she’d come, her form glowing and shifting as she did so, into a more regular version of her corrupted self. The moment Connie had been set down she’d almost buckled and fallen to her knees, only being held up by Hazel.

“I need you to show me where to go,” said Hazel, the panic on her face very nearly seeping into her tone. “I- I don’t know what to do-”

“Knight Connie! What’s going on?”

Connie looked up to see a Gem- a Quartz, probably an Amethyst? She couldn’t make out any details through her tears. “I- it’s- oh _god_ , I, I _can’t-_ ”

“We need to speak with whomever is in charge of this colony,” said Hazel. “It is incredibly urgent. Everyone here is very probably in extreme danger.”

“I heard a roaring from the woods- is it another corrupted Gem?”

Connie sobbed. “It’s- it’s Steven-”

“ _Steven?_ Is he hurt?”

“No- I mean, yes, but- the corrupted Gem _is_ Steven.”

“...I can bring the both of you to Lime Pearl and Mossy Agate immediately,” stated the Gem, hands balled into fists at her side. “Connie, are you… are you able to come with?”

Connie nodded. “Yes. I- I’m still kind of freaking out, I think, but, I can help. So can Hazel,” she added with a nod.

The Gem greeted her with a brief salute- one hand clasped over the other, placed over the clavicle. “I’m Lace Amethyst. Follow me- _quickly_.”

There were enough other Gems near them to hear the conversation, and Connie couldn’t help but notice the whispers- some about her, or about Jasper- but almost all about Steven.

What happened to him? Did someone do this? Was this even _possible?_

Could they even protect themselves against a corrupted _Diamond?_

Connie pushed away the tears and looked on ahead with determination. Little Homeworld would be safe. _Steven_ would be safe.

They _had_ to be. They _needed_ to be safe.

 _She_ needed them to be safe.

_Please, don’t give up_

* * *

Castor woke up in chains.

Beneath him stretched an endless black expanse, like the ocean reflecting the night sky. But there was no water beneath his knees, but instead a flat surface, like the facet of a gemstone. Instead of stars, there were dark clouds around him, choking any light there might have been, a constant pink smog.

“...Castor?”

Castor looked across from him, crystalline chains clinking as he did so. Across from him was… him? No, not him, his- his twin, with skin that was too pale and hair that was too bright, wearing… wearing Pink Diamond’s clothing.

He looked down and saw he was dressed strangely as well, a long white gown with a star revealing the space where a gemstone wasn’t.

“Are… are we dreaming?” he asked aloud, surprised to hear his own song, not having to change someone else’s song into his own.

“I don’t think so,” said Pollux, only just loud enough for him to hear. “It’s like… oh. Oh _stars_ … it’s like _Malachite_ … Malachite’s headspace. Except instead of Lapis and Jasper…”

“It’s us,” finished Castor. “We’re unstable, but, we can’t unfuse.”

“Thus the chains,” noted Pollux, shifting around in his own bindings. “I imagine the clothing has some meaning behind it.”

“I don’t _care_ about poetic _symbolism_ right now,” grumbled Castor. “What the hell happened?”

“...interesting. Steven doesn’t swear, but-”

“I’M NOT STEVEN!”

Castor’s roar echoed through the pink smog, making Pollux wince. “I know,” he whispered. “I… I think you need to calm down.”

“What.”

“Look at the floor around you,” he insisted, and Castor did so. growing in a circle around him were pink spikes, the same as those that had pushed their way through his flesh, now pushing their way through…

“It’s your gemstone,” Castor realized. “That’s what we’re chained to.”

“ _Our_ gemstone. Neither of us can survive without it, you know that.”

Castor growled. “JUST SHUT UP! If it wasn’t for _your_ useless powers, we wouldn’t be _like_ this! This whole _corruption_ thing is only happening because of _you! You’re_ the _Gem!_ ”

“Our powers are tied to our emotions, which seem to largely be coming from you,” said Pollux coldly. Castor watched as the pink thorns grew around both of them now. “Neither of us have control over how they manifest, and I _don’t_ appreciate you placing all the _blame_ on me.”

“Why _shouldn’t_ I? You still haven’t told me what _happened!_ I trusted you to keep us safe!”

“I _did!_ ” insisted Pollux. “But I-” He stopped, tensing up.

“...what. The _fuck_. Did you _do_.”

“I hurt Connie,” he whispered in terror. “I- I didn’t _mean_ to, but, the _corruption_ , our tears _hurt_ her, and-”

Castor was shaking, and the chains only became tighter around him. “We should never have come back together.”

“Castor-”

“We should’ve _died_ in White’s head. At least that way no-one would be hurt.”

“We would be _dead_.”

“Good.”

The expanse was silent. Neither of them had an answer.

“...we _are_ a monster, aren’t we?”

“...yeah.”

Castor laughed bitterly. “ _Stars_ , we’re a mess. A fucked up, broken, suicidal _mess_. What happened to us?”

“We used to be _happy_.”

“ _Steven_ used to be happy. I don’t think we actually _existed_ until we were torn apart. And ever since then, things have just… people have been leaving us behind. We keep hurting people. _Steven_ didn’t _have_ that. He- he was _useful!_ People _liked_ him! But…” Castor’s tears boiled into nothing as they fell from his eyes. “But we killed him. When we came apart.”

“...you don’t know that. We’ve been able to- to _fuse_ , to work in tandem-”

“But then why do we keep _feeling_ like this? _We_ did something wrong. _Steven Universe_ doesn’t _hurt_ people. But… we do. So… we _can’t_ be him. Not really.”

“Do you want to be him?”

“I just want to be _okay_.”

“...I know. I do too.”

“...I wanna go home now.”


	18. Mhm, I’ve Said My Speech

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please... just, let me go home...  
> (I don't even remember where that is)  
> I- I just want-  
> (Who are you?)

No-one wanted to believe the truth, but it was impossible to deny it now. Not after seeing and hearing the monster that seemed so terribly close. The monster whose roar was like an anguished yell, whose aura was so, so terribly familiar.

The Little Homeschool had preparations for this sort of attack, plans and drills and all that. It was the face of Era 3, as well as being home to dozens of uncorrupted Gems. Destructive invaders and rampaging monsters were planned for in detail.

Civilians, both Human and Gem- they were far too near to the boardwalk to not plan for both species- were brought to either a reinforced underground shelter or to a secondary underwater base, usually used for classes and gatherings, but also usable as a mobile emergency shelter. Anyone else was warped away.

Quartzes and Bismuths and Topazes led people where they needed to be, kept the crowds organized. A team of Pearls and Jades made sure every single individual was accounted for. Crystal Lapis, Freckles, and Aqua kept an eye on things from above, acting as a constant early warning system.

Once everyone who couldn’t fight was safe, the defenses went up. The walls around the campus weren’t just for show, after all.

An iridescent dome of hard light covered the place, from the tip of the windmill to the outside of the walls. Any Gems with ranged weapons were given windows through the dome, and a pair of Turquoises were standing ready at the entrance, prepared to shield the others at a moment’s notice.

The Little Homeworld was built to withstand almost anything.

They hadn’t ever thought it would have to withstand _him_.

* * *

Home

_Home_

_**Home** _

What did that mean? Where- where was home? The monster could only remember being here in the forest, but, that wasn’t where it wanted to go. There was somewhere else.

So many voices yelling at it. The little orange thing on the ground below, yelling, and the things in its head, yelling. So loud. So loud

It roared, trying to be heard over the cacophony in its head, a pillar of brilliant light and sound shooting into the air above it. Dark clouds formed where it had pushed through the sky, filling everything with a disgusting smog. Light fell from the pillar like droplets, burning everything they touched.

The orange thing was properly attacking the monster now. It didn’t hurt much, but it _was_ slowing it down, keeping it from going **home**. It growled at the orange thing, swiping them down easily with a paw. That hurt too at first, because the orange thing had many sharp spikes on it. The thing kept coming back at it, clawing at its feet and legs, but unable to stand the boiling ichor- ichor that hurt the little orange thing and healed the monster.

Eventually the orange thing was pushed back enough times that it ran away. That was good. It couldn’t stay here.

It had to find **home**.

* * *

Aqua was the first one to spot Jasper as she came hurtling towards the protective dome. Her form was covered in burns and claw marks, though her gemstone had managed to come out unscathed.

“We don’t have very long,” she growled. “He’s on his way and he’s pissed. The best thing to do is keep from being a target.” She was barely able to get her message out before dissipating, succumbing to her wounds.

The ground shook.

The monster screamed.

* * *

It didn’t know what **home** was, what it was looking for, but it was sure it would know it when it found it. It had to.

Maybe this was **home** , this mound full of colorful little things. It clawed at the mound- no, not a mound, a shell. It sniffed at it, then put both front paws up on it. It wondered if it could get in. It was very curious about this glowing shell thing.

* * *

There wasn’t a single being in the campus that didn’t feel the tremors, the earthquake caused by the monster’s attacks. It clawed and shoved at the barrier, slowly breaking it down.

* * *

The shell finally broke away under its claws. The monster felt happy about this- perhaps there was something inside? Perhaps that was **home**?

A sound like thunder, a stinging pain, a war cry-

The monster jolted back as it was pelted- arrows, energy blasts, crossbow bolts, slings and spears- they all hit against its hide, no one weapon enough to hurt it, but together, just enough to find a weak spot. Burning ichor flowed like a river, repairing the injury in seconds, and falling to the fertile ground below.

Vines like trees burst forth, each one covered in thorns, moving with minds of their own, grabbing, grasping, wanting, choking- they pushed their way through the masonry that remained, taking out each Gem on the wall, one by one.

The monster huffed. This was very annoying. It needed to find **home**.

* * *

The initial volley had hurt him at first, until the Diamond’s blood healed his wounds, and brought forth an army of thorns.

No-one had even taken time to notice when the Crystal Gems arrived, with Pearl, Amethyst, and Ruby moving to the front lines, and Sapphire retreating to help the other strategists.

Pearl couldn’t help but think how much these plants resembled the ones that once grew around Rose’s fountain.

(Had _she_ ever felt like this?)

* * *

There were three new colors here now. It wondered why it cared.

Purple, white, red. They looked familiar.

Purple, white, red. Maybe…

Purple, white, red. Maybe they knew where home was?

Purple, white, red.

Purple, white, red.

_“ I don’t want to hurt them, please, please, don’t hurt them-!”_

_“ They don’t deserve this, just- please, leave them alone!”_

Why did the voices care so much about these ones?

They must be important.

Purple, white, red.

* * *

There was nothing they could do to keep him back, keep him at bay. None of them were used to fighting like this- trying to slow him down, but not wanting to truly hurt him.

It didn’t even seem like he was trying, and yet he'd obliterated about a quarter of the campus, and there wasn’t a building that wasn’t damaged by his attacks- roars that shattered glass and stone.

“We need to find a weak spot!” yelled a voice, one of dozens of Gems trying to slow him down- the person they knew as a friend, a protector. How many of these Gems had been in this same position but reversed? How many of them had, in their fear and confusion that came with corruption, hurt Steven, only for him to forgive them?

Little Homeworld was a haven, being torn down by its protector.

* * *

Purple, white, red.

The red one- it was little, and the wrong color, yet the monster knew it was important somehow- was flung at its horn by one of the bigger creatures. It came down on the monster’s snout with full force, making it roar and lurch back, clawing at the singed wound.

Purple, white, red.

The creatures attacked even more now that it was distracted, but it knew what to do- it whipped around, letting the plates on its back take the brunt of it, its tail knocking down more of the creatures. They seemed to pop when hit, and it made the other creatures make even more noises.

Purple, white, red.

The monster was ready to turn again, to turn and fight, but something grabbed it. A black vine-like thing dug into the scales of its arm, and pulling at it only made the sharp purple things dig in even deeper.

Purple, white, red.

Why wouldn’t they just let it go home?

Purple, white, red.

It grabbed the black vine in its teeth, tearing it away, leaving blood- its own blood- to run down its jaw. It roared into the air again, not at the creatures, not at anything in particular, it just roared.

Purple, white, red.

Prepared to defend itself, it whipped its head around and-

**Pink.**

* * *

No-one knew who did it at first, but the choked gasp that came from Crystal Pearl left no uncertainties.

“I- I didn’t _mean_ to-!” She fell to her knees, hands clasped over her mouth. Someone managed to drag her away before she was hurt.

Steven wasn’t just roaring, he was screaming, crying- it wasn’t his fault that that left a crater beneath him, one that quickly filled with plantlife as blood dripped from his face.

Pearl’s spear stayed embedded in his eye for just long enough that it too was covered in blood, but when it dissipated there wasn’t even a trace of it- only of what damage had been done.

* * *

**Pink.**

_“ I just want to go home, please-”_

**Pink.**

_“ I just want it to be over, I, it hurts-”_

**Pink.**

“It hurts, it hurts, it hurts-”

The blood stung as it ran from the monster’s eye, and it sobbed with voices not its own, a song that was no longer a song. This wasn’t right.

**Pink.**

_“ Please, please-”_

_“I just want to go home.”_

**Pink.**

* * *

Steven ran.

Earthquake footfalls ignored rubble-hewn streets, and those hiding underground briefly wondered if this was the end, but by then he had already passed.

No-one followed him as he ran to the beach, almost falling into the water, the tide washing away what it could, and the coral and seaweed growing from what it couldn’t.

No-one followed him as he tried to regain his footing, tried to stand in the bloodied surf, tried to defend himself from any threat that may come.

No-one followed him as he roared again, a roar that ended in a sob.

No-one except two Humans, on the back of a lion, all of whom felt so terribly, terribly, _small_.


	19. Mhm, Through Sharpened Teeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now everyone knows what I am  
> (Good)  
> I’m scared for them  
> (They should be scared of me)  
> I can’t hide it anymore  
> (I don’t have to hide it anymore)

She hadn’t planned on finding Greg in all of this chaos.

He’d been so worried, so panicked… where was Steven? He hadn’t heard anything from him in so long, and the Gems weren’t telling him anything. Someone said that the monster was Steven, but- that _couldn’t_ be true, could it?

Except that it was. Except that the evidence was impossible to deny. Except that the gardens of plantlife that had sprung up around the campus attested to that, the choking vines and writhing bushes, all covered in flowers that kept hidden their painful thorns.

There were roses everywhere.

Lion hadn’t been anywhere near the fight- he was hiding, away from the noise, away from everything. Did he recognize Steven even now? Or was he hiding from the strange monster, and wondering where his friend went?

Connie wanted to break down, to cry, to bury her face in Lion’s side and simply forget. Pretend that Steven was okay, that he was there with her, and someone else could take care of all the world’s problems. That it wasn’t on her to talk sense into everyone.

But that wasn’t the case. It never was.

So she put on a brave face and rode Lion over to the beach, with Greg hanging on for dear life.

She could cry later.

* * *

The shoreline was beautiful.

Grasses and vines grew everywhere, clustered in patches before coalescing at the waves. Vibrant blooms cropped up here and there, decorating the greens and browns and every color in between of the creeping underbrush.

The sun-stained surf held lillies aloft, with no regard for the salt in the water. Every kind of water flower bobbed in the eerily calm waves, held in place by the impossible corals that spiralled up.

Each time the creature sobbed, each time a tear fell in the water, each time a drop of blood stained the sand, something grew. A landscape grown from pain and sorrow.

Greg wanted to say that he was able to recognize his son immediately. That he was able to look past the inhuman shell, past the thick scales and bleeding wounds, and see the frightened little kid inside.

But even when they were so close to him, with Lion pushing his way through the thick grasses, Greg couldn’t see Steven at all.

But he could _hear_ him.

He could hear the all-too-familiar sobs, could hear the way he was trying to hold himself back, trying to hide his pain. Trying so, _so_ hard, because he was so scared of being a _burden_.

There were roses everywhere.

“That’s… that’s really him?”

Connie nodded. “Yeah.” She gripped Lion’s mane tightly. “I… I managed to talk to him, just for a moment, in the forest. It’s… it’s him. It’s Steven.”

Greg took a deep breath, and pushed himself off of Lion’s side. “I’m going to try and talk to him,” he said, both to inform Connie and to convince himself. He didn’t take his eyes off the impossibly huge figure in front of him, but he could almost feel the weight of Connie’s gaze.

“Please be safe,” she whispered.

“...you too.”

Lion stepped back, waiting a moment, then moved off, still staying within the waving grasses, but keeping his distance.

Greg stepped forwards.

The beach was silent but for Steven’s breathing, heavy and exhausted.

Greg had spent so long trying to be comfortable with that aspect of Steven- the fact that his breathing was barely there, that being able to actually see his chest rise and fall was a sign that he was tired, worn out. He’d never seemed to get hurt, either- or at least, if he didn’t, it didn’t show.

And now Steven was here, in a form that was almost unrecognizable as him, choking on his tears as he tried to breathe, wheezing when he did. His right eye was closed, and covered in blood that refused to dry, refused to scab over, just kept dripping and dripping, and the coral grew like prison bars.

“ _Steven…_ ”

The waves pushed against the shore, slowly, slowly, as if they too were afraid of what would happen if they were too loud.

Steven whined as he moved over, pushing at the plants around him, breaking them with horns and tusks, giving him space to lay in the shallow water. Any sand beneath him was hidden now, blanketed by layers of grass and leaves, stained vibrant pink by the dripping blood that grew them.

Greg stepped forwards, and a single eye snapped open to look at him.

He was certain he felt his heart skip a beat, but he refused to run, to panic. Instead he met the gaze of the massive ink-black eye, of the unmistakable diamond pupil, shining white. The eye itself was easily the size of his entire body- and he really didn’t want to think about the massive, bleached pink tusks that were so very near.

“Do you know me?” wondered Greg, refusing to look away. There was no recognition, no spark of familiarity. “They said that, when you’re… when Gems are like this, that they don’t know where they are, or who they are… but you’re not attacking me.”

Steven didn’t answer, simply shifted in place. There was a deep rumble, like hearing a train run by somewhere overhead, and a vibration in the sand to match. Was… was he trying to speak? Trying to say something?

Greg sat down, slowly, cautiously, making himself look as non-threatening as he could. “I bet part of you knows me, huh? Even if you’re not all there…” He smiled. “You could never just up and forget your old man, could ya?”

Steven sighed, warm air pushing past as he rumbled again in some attempt at a response. He looked… Greg didn’t know how, but even in this form, he looked tired.

“I’m not going anywhere, shtu-ball,” said Greg with what he hoped was a reassuring tone. “I- I don’t _care_ if you do look like this, or if the others think you’re a monster. You’re my son.”

On that beach, surrounded by a garden grown of hatred and despair and anger and loss, father and son cried together, silently, silently.

And after a time, he sang.

“ _I could never be, I could never be, I could never be ready, for this,_ ”

He didn’t have his guitar, but, that didn’t matter right now.

“ _I could never be, I could never be, I could never be ready,_ ”

The words didn’t really matter either. Just the meaning, the feeling, the understanding that they brought.

“ _Things start and things end, and isn't it lovely, in theory, but,_ ”

The rumbling sound almost seemed like music, in its own way.

“ _I could never be, I could never be, I could never be ready,_ ”

The waves rippled against the shore.

There were roses everywhere.

“I never was ready, you know,” mused Greg. “And… I made a lot of mistakes. I didn’t give you what you needed. I wasn’t always there for you, not when it came to the Gems. And… and I’m sorry. I really am.”

Flowers sprang from the massive falling tears.

There were roses everywhere.

“I will always be here for you, Steven, no matter what.”

There were roses everywhere.

“ _I love you._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art has been added to chapters 1, 9, and 10!


	20. You Break The Rules And Spikes Grow From Your Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a l i v e

On the other side of the blood-soaked garden, Connie watched as Greg talked. He didn’t push, didn’t try and comfort, didn’t reach out- simply, talked. A part of her couldn’t help but feel a bit of anger- why hadn’t she been able to help him before?- but that was drowned out with ease by the relief of knowing, _Steven is okay. He’s okay, and someone is taking care of him._

A small crowd was beginning to form now, curious onlookers wanting to know what had happened, if it was safe now. The bunkers hadn’t been opened just yet- Steven was calm now, but they didn’t want to risk anything just yet- so it was only Gems, and only those who were able to fight, to protect themselves and their homes. Some of them were injured, even cracked, and some cradled the gemstones of others that had been in the fight.

“Connie.”

Connie looked around for the source of the voice, before finally looking down to see the small blue Gem that stood at Lion’s side. “Sapphire? Wh- where’s Ruby?”

“She and Amethyst are with Pearl,” explained Sapphire smoothly. “She… she inadvertently injured Steven.”

Connie sighed. “Yeah. He got pretty scratched up, and he’s not healing…”

“Connie. Pearl was the one who hit his eye. Her spear hit him directly.”

“...what!? What was she doing attacking his _face?_ ”

“She wasn’t. She was aiming for his side. He moved his head unexpectedly.”

“ _...fuck._ ”

Sapphire nodded solemnly. “Quite.”

Connie grimaced. “God, I… this whole thing is just a mess. _He’s_ a mess, _I’m_ a mess, I don’t even know what to _do_ right now…” She rubbed a hand across her face. “ _Please_ tell me you have some Future Vision- based advice right now.”

“...I do not. I… there are too many new variables in play, too many possibilities, too many outcomes. Some are good. Some are… acceptable. Some…” Sapphire looked away, frost appearing on the ground beneath her feet. “No. I do not have any ‘Future Vision-based advice’. But I do believe I have a plan, at the very least.”

“That’s more than I have right now,” said Connie, looking out at Steven’s gargantuan form.

“The other corrupted Gems were healed using the powers of all four Diamonds. Our best course of action would likely be to attempt the same.”

“That- would that even _work_ with him?”

Sapphire simply shrugged, which was an odd gesture to see from her. “I cannot tell, but, we may as well attempt it. However, that does mean that someone must inform the other Diamonds of the current… _situation._ ”

Connie nodded, holding herself steady. “I think I know who might be able to help.”

* * *

One of the central buildings of the Little Homeworld was the administrative centre, which acted both as a meeting hall for the various instructors, and as a place for other people to meet with Lime Pearl and Mossy Agate. On the surface it was rather plain- and, at the moment, nothing but dust and rubble. Underneath, however, was the strategic centre, a reinforced basement used for planning and communication during an emergency such as this one.

Connie had seen Hazel and Lace Amethyst head this way, and they’d said they were meeting with Lime and Mossy, so it was no surprise to find her there. What was surprising was the fact that she was sitting on her own, with no tablet or holo-caster, fidgeting with her hair, which now hung loosely over most of her face.

“...Hazel? Are you alright?”

The off-color Pearl jumped in her seat, looking almost guilty. “Knight Connie. I- I apologize, I didn’t notice your arrival.”

“No, no, you’re fine,” said Connie, sitting next to her. “And- don’t worry about the whole ‘titles’ thing. It’s just ‘Connie’.”

Hazel nodded. “Yes. Yes, I…” she trailed off, looping and knotting stray bits of hair. “I wish to know if Steven is… if he is safe.”

“He’s… he’s calmed down now, he’s not attacking anyone. But he’s still corrupted, and, Crystal Sapphire thinks that we ought to try and have the other Diamonds come to Earth, to try and heal him.”

Hazel nodded. “A reasonable course of action. And I imagine that you came to me to contact them.”

“Could you?”

“Yes. But I will need you to assist me in convincing them. When Steven and I left Homeworld, it was, as I have previously discussed, not on very pleasant terms.”

“...yeah. I- just let me know if there’s anything at all that I can do.”

Hazel looked at her curiously. “You care very much for him.”

“He’s my best friend, and… probably more than that? I don’t really know. But yeah- I care about him a lot.”

“Then know that I will do everything in my power to ensure that he is safe.” Hazel placed a hand on one of Connie’s own, her thin and dainty palm in stark contrast to Connie’s callous- and scar-covered fingers. “Trust me in that.”

* * *

They’d been able to get Blue and Yellow Diamond on the line in moments, the former being consoled by the latter. They’d been worried about Steven since he’d left, and had been scouring every corner of Homeworld in case he hadn’t been able to warp away.

They’d seen part of his… his transformation, seen the horns and markings, and they’d seen the utter power and _rage_ that spurred it on.

Connie had asked where White was, and… she’d forgotten what Hazel had told her. So many things had been going on that it had simply slipped her mind somehow.

They’d all seen the power White held, power that made even the other Diamonds look like nothing in comparison. And Steven had dissipated her. By _accident._

The fact that the Little Homeworld was still intact, Connie had realized, was proof that he was _holding back._

White had reformed, apparently, and was being held in custody by the other two. “She must have some kind of consequences for her actions,” Yellow had explained, her expression dark. “We will be able to bring her to Earth. If she does not cooperate… Well. I’ll simply say that it’s in her best interest that she does.”

Connie had decided that now was not the time to dwell on that particular thought.

That had been a half-hour ago, and the two Diamonds had informed her they would arrive on Earth in about 45 minutes (or 1/32nd of a cycle, specifically). Sapphire and a couple of uncorrupted Quartzes were making sure everyone stayed within the boundaries of the Little Homeworld, not wanting them to be crowding Steven in their curiosity, or flocking to the other Diamonds the moment they arrived. Thankfully, with how worn out all of them were, no-one was in any shape to put up much of an argument.

For now, Connie sat on the edge of the beach garden, with Lion at her side, simply watching. Trying to look for any spark of awareness behind Steven’s eyes. For some sign that he was still in there.

It was almost unnerving, seeing what _hadn’t_ changed. Looking at him, no-one would recognize him, but, when you stopped, when you _really_ looked… there was no-one else he could be. Even like this there was a certain softness to him, a feeling of familiarity. And his song… it was broken, distorted, but it was still _him_.

It wasn’t until the Diamonds’ ship landed that Connie was brought out of her thoughts.

It wasn’t one of the pieces of the Diamond Mech, but rather a much smaller, and quicker, transport ship. It was still big enough to carry three Diamonds, but not by much.

Blue was the first one out. She barely took a single step onto the sand before she saw him, and froze in place. “Steven…” she whispered, eyes wide. Yellow followed behind, and while her initial reaction was the same, she pulled herself out of it, placing a hand on Blue’s shoulder.

“He’ll be okay soon enough, Blue,” soothed Yellow quietly. “That’s why we’re here.”

Connie approached them on Lion’s back, craning her neck to try and make eye contact with them. She really was tired of being small right now. “Blue! Yellow! Down here!”

Both Diamonds looked down in surprise, with Blue smiling in recognition. “Knight Connie,” she greeted. “We came as quickly as we could.”

Yellow nodded, and activated a panel on the side of the ship. A circular platform, easily the size of a concert stage, unfolded itself onto the sand in front of Connie. “Please move onto this,” instructed Yellow with a wave. Connie did so- albeit a bit hesitantly- and the platform lifted up, hovering in front of the two Diamonds, at just the height to allow Connie to speak with them face-to-face.

“Do you guys think you’ll be able to do this?” asked Connie, not bothering with pleasantries. Not now. “Steven’s healing isn’t working anymore, not while he’s corrupted.”

“We’ll try our best,” stated Yellow sternly. “If it doesn’t work, we will find another way. And if that doesn’t work, we will keep looking until we find _something_ , no matter how long it takes.”

Connie couldn’t help but grin. For all they had done, Blue and Yellow had truly loved Rose, even if they didn’t know how to show it. Now that they had practice, had advice, had someone to tell them how to be better- they had done wrong by Rose. They were determined to do better for her son.

However, White, on the other hand…

“Let’s just get this over with,” Connie heard her grumble from within the ship. She had to crouch down just to get through the door, despite the absurd size of it, and looked… well, she looked like the absolute definition of ‘disgruntled’. And when she saw Steven… “Ugh! What is _that?_ ”

Connie didn’t know what she’d expected, really.

Yellow glowered at White while Blue tried to choke back a sob and failed. “ _That_ is _Steven_. _That_ is a _Diamond_. And _that_ is the reason why all of us are _here._ ”

White seemed legitimately surprised. “I- you had said he had become corrupted, I didn’t think-” She blinked a few times, then stopped and steeled herself. “We will fix him,” she said, directly to Connie. Somehow she didn’t feel any more reassured by this.

“You should probably-” started Connie, but White cut her off again with an infuriatingly calm smile.

“We’ll handle things from here, little one,” she said, then began to stride off towards the other side of the beach, where Steven lay calmly in the surf, almost asleep.

The moment that White’s sandals hit the beach grass, Steven’s eye opened suddenly, and he whipped his head around to see what was there. The moment he did, his entire posture changed- lips pulled back to show a mouth full of fangs, spine arched, spikes flared. Connie recognized it as a threat display- a reaction to danger by way of making oneself look larger, more intimidating. Steven was _scared._

“You have to tell her to back off!” she hissed to the two remaining Diamonds, who looked stunned and horrified at White’s actions. “She’s scaring him!”

Yellow nodded, and, after giving Blue’s hand a tight squeeze, she moved towards White- slowly, carefully, as to not frighten Steven even more and make matters worse.

“White,” she said with forced calm. “You need to get away from him.”

“Oh, nonsense,” said White, far too loudly. “You said yourself, corrupted Gems are just dumb animals. He probably doesn’t have any idea what’s going on.”

Yellow huffed. “What I _meant_ was that they don’t have higher cognitive functions!” she seethed. “All he knows is that you’re someone who’s much bigger than him, and who has trapped him in a corner!”

White scoffed. “Haven’t you seen the color of these… plant _things? He_ grew them, _he_ trapped himself in a corner.” White smiled, and reached down. “I’m just trying to help him…”

Connie had already looked away when it happened- she knew it was coming, and she knew she didn’t want to watch. But she still heard it.

She heard the snapping of jaws, and the shriek of outrage from White. She heard the bellowing roar that shook the very air around her. She heard Yellow’s shout, and the sound of her being thrown back. She heard the snapping of the coral shelter Steven had grown, and the incredible waves that were thrown against the cliffside.

When Connie finally opened her eyes, all she saw was blue. Or, more specifically, “Blue? What’s going on?”

Blue looked down at the comparatively tiny figures she held in her hands. “I- I am sorry, I was worried you would get hurt,” she admitted. Connie sighed.

“It’s okay, just, please set us back down,” she asked, pulling herself up onto Lion’s back once again.

As she was placed back onto the platform, Yellow soon ran to join her, placing Greg alongside her. He looked about as dazed as the two Diamonds did.

“Are you harmed at all, Mister Greg Universe?” asked Yellow with what Connie could almost consider to be legitimate concern.

Greg shook his head. “No, but- what the hell was that other giant lady thinking!?”

Yellow grimaced. “I don’t think White was thinking at all,” she stated. “Or rather, if she was, it was only about herself.” She looked back over her shoulder, where White sat in the sand, still more than a bit stunned from Steven’s attack.

Behind her, near the Obsidian Temple, stood Steven, still growling and snarling, doing everything he could to tell White to back off. His tail swiped back and forth like a cat’s, leaving gouges in the sand below, and battering down the wooden porch with ease. His wounds had finally begun to scab up, but now they were reopened, summoning up another army of vines beneath his feet.

White sighed at him, rolling her eyes as she picked herself up. “Really, now, Starlight, are you really going to act like this? We’re doing this for your own good.” The moment she said ‘Starlight’ Steven tensed, the thick vines coiling like snakes. Even if he didn’t consciously know what the word meant, he knew it was something _bad._

“White, you really must be careful,” pleaded Blue. “I don’t want either of you getting hurt.”

White just waved it off. “That was a fluke, nothing more,” she said dismissively. “I didn’t have my guard up. Besides,” she said with a familiar smile as she got to her feet, raising a hand in front of her, “I don’t really need to fight him.”

Somehow, somehow, Steven seemed to be calming down. But how…?

Connie felt her breath catch in her throat. “She’s bleaching him,” she said in disbelief. “Blue, Yellow, you have to stop her! You have to _do_ something!”

Connie hadn’t even finished urging them on when Yellow dashed forwards, grabbing up at White’s wrist and yanking it back.

“ _Stop!_ ”

It wasn’t so much a cry as a command. White turned her head, ever so slowly, to stare at Yellow with what could only be described as a calm fury. But Yellow didn’t back off, didn’t move away.

“We will find another way,” she hissed, glaring up at White. “There is _always_ another way.”

“...you’re certain of this, Sunlight?” asked White plainly.

“Yes.”

White closed her eyes for a moment, and pulled her hand back out of Yellow’s grasp. She stood there, staring at the corrupted being that was easily a head taller than her at full height, but now had his head low, almost at eye-level for her. “Then what exactly do you suggest?”

“We’ll have to restrain him in some way,” admitted Yellow. “Or rather, someone will have to. _We_ can’t- we simply can’t restrain him _and_ heal him.” She turned around, and walked back over to Connie. “You know the Gems here better than we do. Rally them. Get them to hold him down, even if just for a moment.”

Connie nodded. Yellow had a plan, and, while Connie couldn’t say she entirely trusted her, she did trust that Yellow’s intentions for Steven were good. “I’ll do what I can,” she promised.

* * *

* * *

The monster held its ground against HER. Against the massive white THING that had hurt it, had hurt the person it had once been.

It would not get hurt again. It would be-

**Listen**

...another voice?

**Listen to me**

The monster stopped.

**Obey me**

There was something wrong with the voice- but it was so safe, so soothing- no no no it’s HER- but the voice wants us to be safe- SHE will kill us- but-

The voice was gone, as another big thing argued with the big white THING, and the monster reeled back. It wasn’t safe it wasn’t safe it wasn’t-

The monster readied itself, ready to defend, ready to fight. The plants at its feet followed its every whim, coiling upon themselves, waiting to strike.

Then… then the big things left?

The monster was very confused. It did not back down. It was not safe yet. It was hurting, bleeding, but it could not heal until it was safe again. Until the people it had been weren’t scared anymore.

There!

More little things, all different colors, circling around the monster, trapping it, trapping it- it roared, but the things dodged out of the way. It tried to claw at them, to get a hit in, but they predicted that- a blue panel appeared to stop it, held aloft by a little blue thing.

Turquoise, said one of the voices. It ignored it.

The monster stumbled back, having been unable to shift its weight properly. As it did so, something wrapped around one of its legs, making it topple to the ground. A pale green rope was twisted and tangled, held by a little thing of a matching color.

Titanite

The monster struggled to get up, to turn, to move, to-

A sharp pain stabbed through its chest, vanishing quickly, replaced by a numbness that soon flooded its left arm. An off-white thing still crackled with energy, and soon fell back, unable to do anything more.

Harmotome

It wasn’t going down that easily. It still wasn’t safe. It still wasn’t safe. It wasn’t safe it wasn’t safe it wasn’t safe it-

It roared with all the fury and pain it could. Beneath its body sand became glass became shards, a glittering crater that pushed back the things crowding around it. It struggled, but it managed to right itself, easily making up for the single inoperative limb with five others.

It moved away from the water, towards the cliffside, where there were little wooden boxes like the ones that were in the big shell. It gave it the briefest once-over, then turned back around to stand its ground, now that it had further protection behind. It vaguely registered its tail dismantling the boxes into splinters and rubble.

The voices cried out, but they didn’t know why.

The little things weren’t done yet. The little green one came back again, going for its numb leg, wrapping the strange vine around it and pulling, assisted by other little things. The monster growled, and yanked at the vine with its teeth, snapping it easily and sending the little things flying back.

It moved back, further entrenching itself in position so it could-

Something launched itself off the cliffside behind it, latching onto one of its horns. The monster reared up, trying to shake the thing off, but it stayed. There were more of them on the cliff!

The monster lurched around, still trying to shake the thing on its horn, while rearing up and over the cliffside, placing its front claws over top of it, snapping at the little things as they ran.

The thing that had grabbed onto its horn finally jumped off, turning to face it on the cliffside. This one was different- it was a monster too, with thick green hide and horns where its eyes weren’t.

Rhyolite

The little monster snapped and growled at it, but it wasn’t intimidated in the slightest- how _could_ it be? The pink monster gave it a lazy swipe, but the little monster managed to dodge with ease.

There was another monster climbing up the cliffside, long and snake-like, black jaws dripping poison. It didn’t attack, didn’t fight, but made more noises, clicks and chirps and

_“Please, try to remember!”_

...Centi?

Was… was this one important?

The monster had barely a moment to ponder that before it felt something wrap itself around its neck.

The snake-like monster looked surprised as the pink monster was pulled back, pulled by something it couldn’t see, something that now wrapped around each of its legs, dragging it, dragging it to the water’s edge.

The monster screamed.

* * *

Connie wanted to look away again, to close her eyes and cover her ears and not be aware of what was happening, but- she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t do that. Not just for Steven’s sake, but for her own. She needed to know.

But that didn’t make it any easier to see Lapis pulling him down with chains of water, seeing his arms and legs tied down, his spikes carving out paths in the sand, trenches for the tide to push into.

He was hurt, bleeding- it wasn’t just his eye, but his arms, his legs, his chest- burn marks and scratches- claw marks on his cheek, a boiling pockmark over his heart, marks like barbed wire around his leg-

But he was held down. Restrained. Trapped.

Connie clenched tightly at Lion’s mane with both hands, ignoring the tears that fell down her face. Once this was over, she could cry. Once Steven was healed, she could break down. Not just yet- but soon.

“We have to do this _now_ ,” stated Yellow Diamond. “We won’t get another chance.”

“I don’t see how me controlling him would be any worse,” mused White.

Connie glared at her, disgusted and outraged. “Are you _serious?_ ” she demanded, sounding almost amused in her disbelief. “After what _you_ did to him, of course he’s not going to want you in his head! Not after you just about _killed_ him- not after you pretty much _caused_ this!”

Slowly, Greg, as well as both Yellow and Blue Diamond, looked at her. “What are you talking about, Connie?” asked Greg quietly, and Connie was painfully reminded that Steven hadn’t told _anyone_ \- and that of all the people that had been there to see it, she had been the only one not under White Diamond’s control.

Connie shook her head. “This isn’t the time to- I can’t talk about it right now, now without freaking out again. But- when we were on Homeworld, trying to confront White- she mind-controlled everyone there except for Steven and I. She… she did something… something really really horrible.”

Blue and Yellow turned towards White instantly. “What did you _do?_ ” whispered Yellow furiously, her hands sparking with golden energy.

White actually looked hesitant, almost anxious. “It- well, you see-”

“ _What did you do!?_ ”

“I thought he was Pink!” she insisted. “I thought she was just pretending, just playing one of her stupid games! So I-” White paused, refusing to make eye contact. “So I removed her from what she was embedded in,” she said simply.

Greg looked like he was ready to throw up. Yellow was stunned into silence. Blue was shaking, quivering. No-one said anything, and on the other side of the beach, Steven roared and thrashed against his chains.

“The moment we return to Homeworld, you _will_ be held accountable for this,” stated Yellow calmly, her voice contrasting the silent tears that were welling up behind her eyes. “For now, we are going to heal Steven.”

Without saying anything else, she pushed past White, marching swiftly towards Steven. Blue followed her, head down, and for a brief moment, White reached for her, looking for some kind of sympathy, some kind of understanding. The glare she received from Blue, glowing eyes and a fanged snarl- an almost animalistic _growl_ Connie could never have expected from the regal Diamond- showed without question that she was getting nothing from her.

It took every Gem present to keep Steven tied down when White approached him.

Blue knelt down beside him, and gently placed a hand on his forehead. An aura like the depths of the ocean flooded over him, and his eye went wide, looking at Blue with, not quite recognition, but something that was almost an understanding. His thrashing stilled, and he went limp within his restraints.

Crystal Lapis looked up at the one who had once been her Diamond, and the two nodded in understanding. Lapis flew down to the ground as her constructs melted back into the surf, and she moved back towards the Little Homeworld, beckoning the other Gems with her.

“You’re safe now,” assured Blue with a soft smile. Steven still stared at her, uncertain, but he was still, motionless, calm.

On his other side, Yellow joined in, placing her hand next to Blue’s. The glowing aura turned a dark green, joined by flitting sparks of energy.

Something behind Steven’s eyes moved. A thought, a memory, an idea- _something._

Hesitantly, White knelt down as well, directly in front of Steven. She reached out her hand, then pulled it back. She closed her eyes, and the others watched as her form shimmered, wavered, and contracted in on itself. When the light faded, White was no larger than the two at her sides, and the ever-present glow that was always with her was only visible on her hand.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me,” she murmured, looking down at the sand, at the plants she knelt upon. “I… shouldn’t even expect you not to hate me, really. You could have shattered me, you know- you’re certainly strong enough. You always have been, I think. But instead you gave me a second chance, and… and I failed at that one, too.” She paused, pursing her lips. “So… the least I can do, I think, is to give you _your_ second chance… Star Diamond.”

And she placed her hand not on his forehead, but on his jaw, cradling his head in her hand, her claws fully retracted.

Steven still watched her, still stared at her.

The glowing light moved in curling wisps like smoke across his form, illuminating the whole beach.

The three auras merged together, and were joined by a fourth.

* * *

Lion sped across the beach, moving more quickly than Connie knew he could. She didn’t even feel it when his feet met the ground- she wasn’t sure they even were, anymore.

Up ahead, she saw Steven’s form glowing with four overlapping lights, moving and twisting and swirling around each other, and with that movement she almost didn’t see it as the light began to contract.

By the time Lion reached him, the monster was gone.

Steven sat in the water, the surf stained pink by his own blood. He was hurt, but he was alive.

Connie quickly grabbed a blanket from within Lion’s mane and handed it to Greg, who covered Steven with it, both as something for him to hold on to and as something to cover him.

Steven looked up at Greg. His eye was a brighter pink than it had been before, making the diamond pupil impossible to miss. He tried to say something, and at first it came out as a strangled croak. “D-Dad, I…”

He looked down at his hands- not claws, but hands- in a daze. “Wha… I… did I…?” Tears welled up in his eyes, and his breathing quickened, and-

Lion shoved his way forwards, putting his face in front of Steven, making him laugh as the fur tickled him. “ _Lion…_ ” Steven couldn’t help but grin, and hug the big cat tightly, crying quietly into his mane. “ _Lion!_ ”

Greg and Connie both sat beside him silently, not pushing, not saying anything, just sitting there.

Steven just cried- cried with relief, with joy, with an emotion that couldn’t be put into words, but existed in such a way that none present truly needed a word for it.

His exhaustion crept up on him slowly, slowly.

* * *

Lion carried his best friend on his back, and let him sleep.

Steven slept without any nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end of Part One! Monday will be a brief Interlude so I can organize things a bit, and Part Two will be starting up come next Thursday.  
> Art has been added to Chapter 11 and Chapter 17.


	21. Please Let The Devil In (( Interlude ))

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Added art to Chapters 16 and 18, plus two pieces to Chapter 20


	22. Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm awake.  
> ... who am I?

_I’m sorry- I- I didn’t mean to- I didn’t want to hurt her-_

* * *

The first thing he was aware of was the buzzing sound the lights were making.

Next was the fact that he was in an unfamiliar place, in an unfamiliar bed.

And then there was the pain.

It wasn’t a sharp pain, but a constant, dull ache, one that he felt over his entire body, an exhaustion that he could feel in his bones.

The room smelled like plastic and cleaning supplies.

He couldn't open his right eye. There was something overtop of it, something padded and coarse.

Each breath seemed to push at his ribs, like his lungs were being held down.

He tried to move, to sit up, but the pain just got worse when he did. There were tubes and things running from the machines next to him that shifted under his skin. He didn’t dare try and move them.

He tried to speak, but all that came out was something between a whimper and a groan, and that hurt too.

He heard footsteps in the hallway outside, heard the door creak as someone came in. He couldn't make out who it was- his eye was still blurry from sleep.

“You’re awake again,” mused the visitor, walking over to the side of his bed. “Can you understand me?” they asked softly. “Do you know where you are?”

He nodded, slowly, not wanting to move too quickly and make things hurt again. “Don’t…” he started, ignoring the pain in his throat. “Where am I?”

“The LH1 Medical Centre,” replied the visitor. “The Little Homeworld’s hospital, if you will.” He could make out the shape of a smile, just barely. “You’ve been through a lot.”

“What, um…” He trailed off, closing his eyes a moment, focusing. “What happened?”

“...it’s a rather long story,” admitted the visitor. “We’ll be able to tell you what we can once you’ve recovered some more.”

“I… it... on Homeworld,” he said, trying to force himself to get used to talking. “Was gonna… um… meeting with someone…”

Why couldn’t he remember?

...did he want to remember?

“Don’t force it,” soothed the visitor. “Your memories will come back soon enough. However, I do need to know what it is you _do_ remember- but if you don’t remember something, please don’t worry about it. This is not a test you can fail.”

He nodded, still trying to focus on the blurry shape of the visitor.

“Good. Now then- you said you were on Homeworld. Do you recall why?”

“...’s complicated.” _And personal_ , he didn’t add.

“You don’t need to explain it to me in detail, I simply need to know whether or not you remember.”

He nodded.

“Do you remember anyone who was with you? This one I will need you to answer.”

“Hazel Pearl,” he replied, trying not to feel like he was being interrogated. “And, um-”

~~“ _This_ is why you can’t be _trusted_ with anything!”~~

“...White. White Diamond. She- she was-” He tried to get up, tried to run, but only found himself gasping for air as both his body and the tubes pressed into it fought against him. The visitor moved to place a hand on his shoulder, holding him down.

“You’re safe now, you’re safe. The oth- the Diamonds are light years away from here. No-one is going to hurt you.”

The visitor’s hand was a pale pink, almost white, with darker pink stripes woven over it.

He nodded.

The visitor moved back, looking at something, a clipboard or a tablet or a book, something like that. “Now, this is going to seem like an odd question, and it’s very probably you won’t remember the answer. If you don’t, please, don’t worry or panic. The memory will come back in time. Do you understand?”

“Y- yeah.”

“Do you remember what your name is?”

_~~PinkDiamondRoseQuartzMyDiamondTraitorShattererMotherPinkDiamondMyDiamondUniverseQuartzUniverseDiamondDeMayoPinkDiamondRoseDiamondStevenUniverseStevenStarDiamondStevenPinkDiamondSTARLIGHT--~~ _

All he could do was shake his head, his eyes wide. “Wh- why- why can’t I…?”

“As I said before, the memory will come back eventually,” reassured the visitor.

“Do… do you know... my name?” he asked fretfully.

“I do, but it’s important that you remember it on your own,” they explained.

“...oh. What if, um… can’t remember...?”

“I can assure you that you will remember in time.”

“...okay.” He paused, still trying to blink away the blurriness in his eyes- well, eye. “Did I- did I know you?”

“...not exactly, no. But I might look familiar. I look a lot like someone you know- er, knew, I suppose.”

“...you seem nice.” The blurriness seemed to be getting worse.

The visitor giggled. “I try,” they said. “My name is Gallica, by the way.”

“’s a nice name.” Everything was fading, fading… why was he so tired?

“I think you really ought to be going back to sleep now, dearest.”

“No, no, I’m… I’m…”

The lights in the ceiling were buzzing.

* * *

_We- we’ve only ever been apart once and… and I almost died. I almost watched myself die._

* * *

He didn’t really remember waking up this time. He’d heard her come into the room, and knew he’d been awake for a while, but didn’t remember waking up.

“…how long… asleep?” he croaked. His voice didn’t sound like his own. The notes were right but everything else wasn’t.

“You slept for about three hours,” replied Gallica calmly. “Your body needs to rest.”

He huffed in annoyance. “Don’t wanna rest. Want… remember.”

Gallica hummed in thought. “Well, while you do need to stay here for a while, there is someone who might be able to help jog your memory. I do need to redress some of your wounds first, mind you…”

“How, I... how’d I get hurt? Why’d it… not healed?”

...he knew he had healing powers, but he couldn't even remember his own name. Wasn’t that just perfect.

Gallica sighed. “Again, that’s something you’ll have to remember on your own,” she said as she removed the stained bandages around his left arm, replacing them with fresh ones. “Or, at least, wait until you’re feeling better before someone discusses it with you.”

“...keep remembering lots’f names,” he mused, ignoring how strange his song sounded, and how it burned against his throat. “I know who I _am_ , and, and I remember everyone else... but... just this…” He paused, both to think and to focus on something other than the pain- and to let Gallica attend to the cotton pad over his eye. “My name is _something_ Diamond Quartz-Universe,” he stated as determinedly as he could, “and I don’t remember that _something_ and I keep hearing all these names that _aren’t mine_ and-”

He closed his eye to try and stop himself from crying again.

...why did he feel like he’d been crying so much?

Gallica looked at him curiously. She’d sat down next to him, which he appreciated- having to lay down like this, even with his head propped up- he felt… small. Awkward. “Can you tell me what some of those names are?”

“...I’m _not_ Pink Diamond,” he stated adamantly- or, as adamantly as he could at the moment. “I’m _not_ Rose Quartz. And… keep remembering... calling me Steven and I don’t know _how_ but I know that _that’s not my name_.”

...he could feel the weight of Gallica’s concerned stare. That in itself hurt worse than speaking did.

“...I’m going to go speak with someone,” she eventually decided, disposing of the used bandages, each stained a dark magenta, almost purple. “I’ll be right back.”

* * *

_I… I think we’re here because… because Steven isn’t._

* * *

Pollux woke up to hear an ongoing conversation. He hadn’t realized he’d fallen asleep, but, apparently he had.

“...gonna be okay?” someone was asking- Pollux only really processed the end of the question, but, he could guess who it was about. He didn’t move just yet.

“I think so, yes. I… I still don’t understand…” Gallica sounded anxious, concerned, in stark contrast to how she’d seemed before.

“Neither do I,” admitted the new voice. Was… was that…? “Not all the way, at least, but, I’m pretty used to it.”

“Now _that_ I can relate to,” mused Gallica, sounding bitter, to say the least. “I’ll leave you be, then.”

“Wait- didn’t you say something about, er, stuff I couldn’t tell him?”

“After this sort of thing, Gems need a bit of time to essentially re-find their identity. Finding it for them can be… stressful for them. But if he’s been able to access that, then the rest is simply a matter of waiting until he’s ready.”

...ready for what? Something really bad must have happened, Pollux could figure that much out, but… the last thing he could really remember was looking up at the stars, being able to talk to Castor directly as they sat in the train car…

There was something else there, too, something big, but, he didn’t know what. They’d been running from something…

The door closed, and Pollux hesitantly opened his eye.

“...Dad?”

Greg jumped in his seat a bit. “Kid! I- I thought you were asleep.”

“...I was, for a while.” He paused. “What, um… what’d she tell you?” he asked warily.

Greg looked uncomfortable. “She told me about the whole memory thing, all of that, and, uh… about the whole ‘name’ issue…”

Pollux winced. This was really not a conversation he wanted to have, but… he had to, didn’t he? He shouldn’t be keeping secrets, not after-

...after what?

Pollux tried to shift himself upright a bit more, and regretted it instantly. “Um… you remember... story you told, when you and Mom realized… you couldn’t fuse...?”

“Yeah, of course I do. Right after I met Stevonnie for the first time.” Greg smiled. “Man, that seems like ages ago now.”

“Dad, I’m not…” How the hell was he going to word this? “I… we’re not really… I’m…” He clutched at his bedsheets, letting his claws extend into them.

“...Connie told me,” sighed Greg, looking away.

“...what do you mean?”

“She told me about… about you being… being…”

“A fusion.”

“Yeah.”

Neither of them looked at each other.

The lights overhead buzzed.

The room smelled of plastic and chemicals.

“I’m not Steven,” said Pollux quietly. “Not… all of him. Not really.”

“...yeah.”

“...I’m sorry.”

Greg looked up sharply, surprised. “Hold on- what are you apologizing for?”

Pollux refused to look him in the eye. “Because- because you came here to see Steven. And I’m- I-” Pollux tried to cut off a quiet sob, one that made his throat ache worse than anything else before.

“I don’t care,” said Greg sternly. “I don’t care if you’re Steven or not, you’re still my son.”

Pollux didn’t try to stop his tears now. “Dad…” he croaked, reaching for his hand. Greg held it tight.

“I’m here for you,” he said. “I’m here for you.”

“...we, um… I remember, we talked,” started Pollux, once he was able to speak again, though not much more than a whisper. “Looking at the stars, and… didn’t really have names for each other… hadn’t even realized we really _existed_ … and there were these twin stars, called Castor and Pollux, named after twins from mythology… we figured it was as fitting as anything else.”

“So that makes you…?”

“Pollux.”

“Hmm. ‘Pollux Universe’. Now _that’s_ what I call a name.”

He couldn’t help but smile. “Technically it was Castor’s idea,” he argued jokingly.

“Well, so long as one of you got my creative genius.”

“You named yourself after a _song_.”

“ _Creative genius, I tell you_ ,” insisted Greg with mock indignance, holding a hand to his chest in an exaggerated manner, before both of them cracked up- at least until Pollux started coughing. “Oh, jeez. I’ll see if Ms Gallica can let you have some cough drops or something, yeah?” Greg mussed up his son’s hair with affection. “You get some sleep if you can, though,” he stated as he got up. “ _Both_ of you.”

Pollux listened to the toneless sound of the lights.

He was in pain, and he was tired, but… somehow?

He was okay.

He was okay.

 _They_ were okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art has been added to Chapter 15 and Chapter 20  
> Part 2 has begun! Get ready for, yes, more angst, but also the 'comfort' part of hurt/comfort.


	23. Scratches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did I... did I do something wrong?  
> Please! You've got to tell me!

Castor was asleep. Pollux was not.

This had become the norm for them since they’d woken up in the hospital bed. They’d recovered bits and pieces of memories after the train car- a cavern, a nightmare, a forest- but none of it made any sense, and there was a constant feeling that _something_ was missing. Like a group picture, except one person had been cut out of it.

They could see the shape of it, but nothing more.

Connie had been there, and Greg had been there, and so had Hazel. _Jasper_ had been there, oddly enough.

Gallica kept saying to wait, but… well…

They couldn’t help but feel like everyone else was keeping a secret from them, again, and it was a feeling they hated.

Castor slept.

Pollux waited.

* * *

Greg was the only visitor allowed to see him just yet, apparently.

He wasn’t there constantly, and while that did sometimes feel lonely, it was also nice to not feel that need to put on a smile, to tell his dad he was okay.

Even if he was quiet, Pollux at least had Castor.

He felt like it should have been unnerving, to not be hearing anything from his counterpart, but there was a presence there still, a knowledge that he wasn’t alone. And even then, just because he wasn’t allowed extra visitors right now didn’t mean there was never anyone there.

It’d taken him an embarrassingly long time to actually recognize that Nurse Gallica was a Rose Quartz, considering how often she was present. She looked about as different from Rose Diamond as possible, though, with her irregular stripes, her dark hair swept into a lazy bun, her plain and simple clothing.

He still tended to think of Rose Quartzes as his sisters, in a way.

Doctor Maheswaran was at home with Connie, apparently- he’d been curious why she hadn’t been there, since she was really the only doctor he knew. Whatever it was that landed him in the hospital had been really tough on Connie, and she needed a bit of time. “She’ll be visiting you in a few days,” Gallica had told him. “She… she reacted rather badly to seeing you unconscious.”

She’d also told him that he’d been in a coma-like state for almost three days while his body recuperated.

She still wouldn’t tell him what it was recuperating _from_.

* * *

He hadn’t been allowed to leave the hospital room since he’d woken up. The only time he ever even got out of bed was to use the bathroom, and that in _itself_ was a whole ordeal, even without the part where any kind of movement was painful.

It turned out that trying to talk more was only making his throat worse, which really shouldn’t have been a surprise. He felt like he’d been screaming for hours on end, and now the most he could manage without pain was a whisper of a note or chord.

Pollux had managed to keep himself occupied, at least. Lars had sent him a handheld game console, saying he didn’t have any use for it himself- though Pollux knew that was a lie, seeing as he’d spent an hour _gushing_ about the very device he now held. Besides that he had plenty of reports to read and organize. Gallica told him not to do anything too stressful, but he wasn’t actually writing anyone back, just reading through things. Keeping things organized.

Right though, he simply slept. He didn’t dream much, which was odd, and when he did it wasn’t really a _dream_ , per se.

Pollux opened his eyes to a familiar void, with a familiar gemstone beneath him. As always, he checked to see that he was still in his usual clothes, even though he couldn’t remember why he wouldn’t be.

Castor sat across from him, looking through boxes upon boxes of vinyl records, strewn across the floor around him.

“You haven’t found anything?” asked Pollux quietly, even though the pain that was present in his physical body didn’t exist here, at least not in that form.

Castor shook his head, pulling one of the records out of its cover. It wasn’t an actual record, really, but their mind’s way of giving form to a memory, with a vinyl record, magenta instead of black, but otherwise unremarkable. They both knew, though, that this was the memory of them ‘meeting’ on the train, watching the stars. Naming each other.

In the memory, they looked down at their hands, and there was nothing odd about how their hands looked, but… there was something _wrong_. Something was _off_.

The vinyl was covered in dust and scratches, despite its cover being shiny and new.

Pollux sat down in front of his counterpart, helping him sort through their mind. “Do you think it was something White did?” he wondered.

“No. Things start going weird right after we got back from the skate rink, when we saw…” Castor trailed off, scrunching up his face. “ _Something_ , apparently.”

“It _scared_ us. I remember that. But we didn’t tell anyone.” Pollux paused, then corrected himself. “We couldn’t tell anyone. But then… then we crashed the van, and…”

They both glanced over at one of the vinyls, sitting within a crate far away from them. On the very top sat one with its cover showing a shattered orange gemstone, bathed in pink light.

“We ran away to Homeworld after that,” continued Castor, pulling out another vinyl, this one’s cover showing the Diamond insignia, scratched out with marker. The vinyl was flat- a blank memory, an empty space where there should have been something. “Then we came back to Earth for some reason. I think we were scared of something? Not White Diamond, but… something _else_.”

“...I don’t think we should do this tonight,” said Pollux, rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand.

Castor looked ready to argue, but nodded. “Okay.”

The void rolled in like a fog, and the last image Pollux remembered was another flat vinyl, its cover completely hidden beneath furious scribbles of marker.

Not for the first time, he wondered if, if they did remember, if they would wish they could forget again.

* * *

Castor woke up to the sound of someone trying and failing to argue quietly.

“What are you saying- that _no-one_ bothered to figure out what his normal _vitals_ should be?”

“Well, no, not really- I mean, wouldn’t they just be the same as a regular Human?”

Castor tried to see who it was- he could see Gallica, just out of the corner of his eye, but they were both to his right. He wouldn’t be able to see the unknown visitor without shifting around a bunch.

“If that were the case, then I’d tell you his heart rate and blood pressure are so low he shouldn’t be _alive_ , not to mention the retractable fangs, the twenty extra _bones_ in his hands and feet, and I don’t even want to _guess_ how his respiratory system works-”

“That-” Gallica sighed. “You’ve made your point, Doctor. But he’s a _Diamond_ , he has _healing powers_ \- no-one really thought he’d ever have to be admitted here. Especially not like _this_ …”

“I don’t _care_ if he’s a Diamond, he’s still just a _kid_ ,” finished the visitor. “You shouldn’t just…” She trailed off. “Oh. Steven… we… I probably woke you up, didn’t I?”

Castor didn’t say anything, just gave a slight nod. He strained to turn his head, and saw Dr Maheswaran, trying to keep her panic from being visible. “‘s’fine…” he mumbled, fidgeting with his sheets. He didn’t bother correcting her on his name- it wasn’t that big of a deal, really. He was fine with it. “Connie… okay...?”

Dr Maheswaran sighed, looking away. “Not exactly. She… for a while, while you were asleep, she stayed here. Just… _waiting_. I understand how she feels, wanting to stay by your side, but... it wasn’t _healthy_ for her. Physically or emotionally. She’s at home, for now, but… now that you’re starting to recover, I think it might be okay for her to visit.”

“Tha’s… good,” said Castor, nodding. Gallica moved over to the wall-mounted screen, one of the many incongruities he’d seen. He was used to seeing the occasional Human stuff in a mostly Gem area, so seeing the opposite was a bit odd to him.

“Steven, have you… did Greg or the Gems ever take you to see a medical doctor? Maybe when you were little?”

Castor frowned. “Don’ think so… ‘m… not Human… di’n’ know what they’d _do_ …”

“...I suppose that makes _some_ amount of sense,” admitted Dr Maheswaran begrudgingly. “I imagine you don’t have a birth certificate or any legal information either.” Castor shook his head. “Of _course_ not.”

“I could ask someone to go find Mister Greg Universe and see if he could assist?” offered Gallica, already pulling up a messaging system on the screen.

Dr Maheswaran sighed. “You might as well.”

“Wha’ ‘bout Pearl?” asked Castor. “C’n she help?”

His two visitors looked at each other awkwardly, with the same ‘who wants to tell him?’ look on their faces. “It’s… it’s a rather long story, Steven,” said Gallica. “I know you don’t like people keeping secrets from you, but… it really is much safer if you remember these things on your own time.”

“Tha’s okay,” said Castor, forcing a weak smile.

WHY WON’T ANYONE JUST TELL US WHAT HAPPENED TO US!?

“I don’ mind.”

Dr Maheswaran frowned at him. “Are you sure?” she asked cautiously.

Of course I mind! But if I say anything, you’ll all just clam up again and make me feel even worse!

“Yeah,” insisted Castor. “I’m fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steven or one of his components: I'm fine!  
> Literally everyone else: [press x to doubt]
> 
> Art has been added to Chapter 14- and I'm *pretty* dang proud of it, if I do say so myself.


	24. Talking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am not a Human Being

One week.

It was almost exactly one week since The Thing happened.

Pollux had long since decided that whatever The Thing was, it was something that might be better left _forgotten_ , and, eventually, Castor had agreed, only occasionally shuffling through recent memories to see if there were any changes.

And, for the first time in what felt like a very long time, Steven felt… _whole_.

He was whole, and for once, it wasn’t because of ignorance.

_“You are not two people. And you are not one person. You… are an experience.”_

_This is a pretty dumb experience then._

Steven had been part of fusions before- Stevonnie, Smoky, Sunstone, Rainbow, Obsidian- but, none of those felt quite the same. Because, well… he’d been a component. He was part of Smoky Quartz, but Smoky was also their own person, their own being. He could remember being part of them, but, it wasn’t the same.

 _Ugh_. Of course, just when he’s starting to feel slightly less _dead_ , he has to go and have an existential crisis.

Gallica had just laughed when he’d vented all this to her, though it wasn’t in any way condescending. “I can imagine. The frustration, that is- not the fusion part.”

Steven groaned, trying to avoid rubbing at his injured eye. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be complaining…”

“Don’t feel bad about that, really. You’re here to heal both physically and emotionally, remember?”

“...I guess.”

Gallica hummed, looking at some notes on her holo-screen. “Steven, this might be a bit of an odd suggestion, but… as you probably know, there’s a counseling program for fusions-”

“Pass,” grumbled Steven. “I _really_ don’t want any more advice from Garnet right now.” His eye went wide. “I mean- I- oh _gosh_ , that was rude, I shouldn’t have-”

“It’s okay! You’re alright.” Gallica smiled at him, holding her hands out comfortingly. “And I wasn’t actually thinking of Garnet- do you know a Gem called Crazy Lace Agate?”

“Um… she’s one of the uncorrupted Gems, yeah? Or, her components are, I think...”

“It would take a lot more time and paperwork to set up anything official, but all things considered, it would be a good idea for you to try moving around on your own more frequently.” Gallica checked a few more things on her screen. “If you think it might help, I can ask her to come and meet you in the cafeteria.”

Steven shifted around a bit. “I don’t want to be a bother… and my throat does still kinda hurt…”

“If you’re not comfortable with it, I won’t push you. But don’t worry about Crazy Lace- she had actually messaged me some time previously, stating-” She looked down at her screen and read off of it directly. “‘Galli, I think I might dissipate from sheer boredom if I can’t find anything better to do than attend Blue Z’s lectures again’.”

That took more than a bit of the anxiety off of Steven’s shoulders. “I think I like her already.”

“I thought you would. Should I tell her to show up at the cafe at mid-cycle?”

“Sounds good.”

* * *

The LH1 Medical Centre wasn’t a registered hospital under any Human laws, but rather, the end result of more than a few correlating interests.

Gems rarely ever got _sick_ , per say- there were a few minor viruses (in both meanings of the term) that resulted in a Gem being out of action for a few days, but they were annoyances, not actual dangers. And as for injuries, any significant damage to one’s form could be healed by dissipating, and any external damage to the gemstone could be healed with Diamond essences.

Because of that, Gems didn’t have anything in the way of medical technology- which had become an issue when it was discovered that uncorrupted Gems were just as similar to standard Gems, as they were to a hybrid like Steven. They had internal structures- skeletons, stomachs, lungs- contained within a simplistic matrix of light.

They could still dissipate to heal, but certain things would heal… _wrong_. Broken bones that weren’t set right would reform out of shape, teeth or nails would become ingrown- and it didn’t help that, unlike Amethyst, who could eat anything without a care, these Gems actually needed to _process_ their food, as the corruption meant that they couldn’t get all the energy they needed simply from sunlight.

All of a sudden, there was a need for medical technology, and the Gems had no idea what to do.

The LH1 Medical Centre was a large building, but much smaller than your standard hospital. It was staffed primarily by Rose Quartzes- their healing powers, gentle nature, and overall curiosity, meant that they’d taken to the role like fish to water.

One of the first Rose Quartzes that Steven had met, the one who had so closely resembled his mother, and now went by the name of Damask, coordinated most of it. She and Pip- aka Pink Pearl, aka Volleyball (he’d gotten an _earful_ from her about that particular nickname) had, with Dr Maheswaran’s assistance, turned a team of enthusiastic but confused Quartzes into an efficient medical team.

Steven thought about all this as he slowly but surely rolled the wheelchair he’d been given through the halls- he was able to walk for a _little_ while, but Gallica had decided it was best that he didn’t push himself too hard just yet.

The Medical Centre was… busy. The only time he’d seen it this packed was when it had first opened up, and everyone was still kind of uncertain what they were even doing. At one point he thought he saw someone carrying an entire _tray_ of gemstones.

In a way, it was good to know that whatever The Thing had been, it wasn’t just him that had been affected. Not that he was glad they were hurt! Just… he was glad it wasn’t something _he_ did.

The cafeteria was relatively small, and at the moment, most of the people there were various medical staff on break, and the Bismuth and two Rubies manning the small kitchen. Despite the size, it felt more cozy than claustrophobic, kind of like Fish Stew Pizza did.

A massive yellow and orange arm waved over at him from one of the booths with surprising discretion. Steven rolled through one of the long ‘walkways’ between tables, and stood unsteadily so that he could sit down across from the large Gem.

Crazy Lace Agate was big, shy around people she didn’t know, and a ball of energy around those she did. With her perfectly round eye-gemstone and triangular nose-gemstone, she looked a bit like a doll come to life- and the pigtails with mismatched ribbons just reinforced that.

Steven smiled at her. “Um, Nurse Gallica said you wanted to talk or something…?”

Crazy Lace smiled right back, calm and relaxed. “She didn’t give me any details, just that I might be able to help you.”

Steven grimaced. “Oh, jeez… I was kinda hoping you already knew all that stuff…” He fidgeted with the hem of his shorts. “I- I didn’t, um…”

“Take your time,” assured Crazy Lace. “I don’t have anything for another two hours, so there shouldn’t be any rush.”

“That’s, uh, that’s good,” he replied honestly. “So… I don’t really remember what happened, though I guess Gallica already told you so you didn’t accidentally tell me? Which… I’m _kind_ of annoyed about people keeping secrets, but it also seems like something really bad, so…” He paused. “Um, anyways. During whatever it was, I…”

Someone in the kitchen dropped something, and Steven just about leapt out of his seat. He expected a bubble to appear, summoned out of instinct, but nothing came.

He’d kind of been suspecting that since he woke up, but…

“We can move somewhere else, if you’d like?” offered Crazy Lace, but Steven just shook his head.

“No, this is okay, actually. I’m… this is just kinda hard to talk about.” Crazy Lace nodded, and he continued. “So, um, about… two years ago? When I first went to Homeworld- something… really bad happened. And it’s fine now! But, I got… _pulled apart_. And… and all of a sudden I was in two places at once.”

Pollux, standing his ground, nothing but a hollow shell filled with programming and instinct.

Castor, unable to stand, blood spilling from his gut and staining the stark white floor.

“I didn’t want to think about what happened. I still don’t. But then I started hearing voices in my head, started talking to myself, and, um… arguing with myself. A lot. And then I just kind of… wasn’t there anymore. It was like I’d been pulled apart again, but just in my head…”

“Endless shining stars above, kid,” breathed Crazy Lace.

“Yeah.”

She sighed, staring at one of the paintings on the wall. “I… I’ll be honest, that’s kind of messed up. Ethically, that is.”

Steven frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Just… if Rose knew about it and didn’t tell anyone. I mean, there’s keeping secrets for your own sake, then there’s keeping secrets that could harm someone else.”

He scoffed. “Tell me about it.”

Crazy Lace leant back in her seat, playing with her hair. “...are you unhappy to be fused?”

“...huh?”

“During the war, Gems would sometimes force themselves to fuse even if they didn’t really want to, as they were willing to be with someone they disliked for a period of time if their fusion was powerful enough. Both parties consented, of course, but there were times it wasn’t so much a matter of ‘I _want_ to do this’, but rather, ‘I’m _willing_ to do this’.”

“I- I mean- I _can’t_ unfuse, not really.”

“Would you want to, if you could?”

“...I don’t know.”

Crazy Lace nodded. “I know I’m asking some rather rough questions. I just wanted to make sure no-one was being harmed.”

It took a while for Steven to process what she’d said. “You… you think that I’m… I’m hurting them?”

“You’d be aware of it, if you were.” She smiled reassuringly. “From everything I’ve seen, you don’t seem like the kind of person to make others suffer for their own gain.”

He shook his head adamantly, then hissed when that just made his headache worse. “Ow. No, I, um- there was some stuff I did kind of want advice on- if that’s okay! I- I don’t wanna be rude.”

“Steven, if I can help in any way, I want to.” Crazy Lace spread her hands wide. “Ask away.”

“...I don’t feel like a real person,” Steven admitted. “And- and that’s kind of hypocritical, because I’ve never viewed _other_ fusions that way? And I’ve fused with others before, and I remember being them, but…”

“But there’s a difference between remembering something, and actually _feeling_ it.”

“Yes! Exactly! I- it’s like-” He waved his hands about as he tried to find the words. “Like, I don’t feel any different than I did before, but now it’s like- everything I do, everything I feel, there’s this constant wondering of, ‘is this really _me_ or one of them?’. And I know it doesn’t always _work_ like that, but…” He sighed, playing with the hem of his shorts again. “I dunno. I’m- it’s not a big deal, really.”

“It’s a big deal to you,” countered Crazy Lace. “It’s something that-” She stopped short suddenly, grinning at something to his left. “Gallica! I was hoping I’d get to see you.”

Gallica smiled, giving Crazy Lace an awkward side-hug. “I wouldn’t let you come all this way without stopping by at least once,” she teased.

“Oh, yes, all this way, from a whole two buildings over.”

Steven felt his face growing warm. “I’m… guessing you two know each other?”

Crazy Lace nodded. “We’re roommates, actually.”

And they were roommates!

Oh my god, they were roommates

“I am going to have to cut your technically-not-a-meeting short, though,” admitted Gallica. “Someone needs your… assistance.”

Crazy Lace frowned. “Is it urgent?”

“Yeah.”

She sighed. “Alright. Sorry, kid. I’ll make up for it another time, yeah?”

Steven forced a smile. “It’s fine! I don’t want to hold you up or anything.”

Crazy Lace nodded. “Yeah. Alright.”

The two of them kept talking, and Gallica led her off to another part of the hospital.

The cafe didn’t feel cozy anymore.

Constantly aware of all the eyes in the room (staring, watching, judgint, hating-) he got back onto the wheelchair and headed back to his room.

It was probably for the best he ended up getting cut short. He didn’t want to be a burden.

(He was asleep again by the time Gallica got back.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art has been added to Chapter 13 and Chapter 19, as well as the above.


	25. ET Phone Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT  
> I JUST WANT TO FIX IT

Castor had to double-check, when he woke up, that it was in fact still the same day- he’d only slept for about four and a half hours, but it felt like he’d slept a full night and then some. The headache that was starting to show up again wasn’t exactly helping either.

His phone buzzed angrily at him, and he grumbled vaguely at it as he opened it up.

 **dad**  
[] this a good time to drop in?  
[] i might be able to sneak donuts in this time  
[] ive got a foolproof plan for it this time

 **steven <3**  
[] by ‘foolproof’ do u mean ur gonna bring it in ur guitar case again

He paused, then added,

[] this is castor btw  
[] not that that really matters i guess? idk

 **dad**  
[] maybe  
[] maybe i will bring it in the guitar case AND put it in its own box so the rubies cant smell it this time  
[] and if it matters to you it matters to me

 **steven <3**  
[] i dont think its a smell thing, i think rubies just Know when theres food nearby  
[] sapphires can see the future and rubies can see snacks

 **dad**  
[] no wonder garnet knew when cookie cats stopped selling  
[] she knows the futures of all snacks

 **steven <3**  
[] i was kidding but that makes so much sense  
[] hey, um…  
[] speaking of garnet  
[] is she okay?

There was a long pause where the only sign that his dad was still there was an annoying line of ellipses.

 **dad**  
[] theyre havent been fused since  
[] uh

 **steven <3**  
[] The Thing?

 **dad**  
[] The Thing, yes  
[] i think sapphire’s taking it better? but i dont really know ‘em well enough separately  
[] i think theyre mostly worried about you

 **steven <3**  
[] im fine! really  
[] *we’re* fine  
[] we just got a bit roughed up i guess

 **dad**  
[] ...i know youre lying. but im not going to push it right now.

Castor flopped back into his pillow and groaned.

 **dad**  
[] good news though!!!  
[] nurse gallica told me you could have some visitors over

 **steven <3**  
[] oh! that’s good!

It wasn’t. It really wasn’t. He didn’t want anyone here while he was split, he didn’t want to deal with either being called the wrong name or explaining everything to someone…

 **steven <3**  
[] who is it?

 **dad**  
[] its a surprise!

Castor buried his head in his hands as best he could, then thought better of it and grabbed one of his pillows so that he could yell into that instead.

Of course! A surprise! Because Steven just loves surprises! Except for the bit where he’s _not Steven_ and has no way of mentally preparing himself in any ways shape or form, but…

He doesn’t want to worry anyone.

He’s fine.

Everything’s _fine_.

* * *

Gallica let Greg into the hospital room, where Castor was still on his phone- he immediately looked up though, grinning.

“Dad!” He quickly set his phone down on the side table, moving so that Greg could give him a hug that wasn’t quite as awkward. “Did you manage to bring the thing you mentioned?”

Greg sighed. “I think you were right about Rubies having a sixth sense when it comes to snacks,” he mourned, lifting up an empty guitar case. “I didn’t make it past the front desk.”

Gallica crossed her arms and looked pointedly at the two of them. “I don’t know _why_ you’re so insistent on bringing in your own foods, the cafeteria is well-staffed.”

“It’s more the spirit of the thing,” explained Greg solemnly. “This is the only hospital I’ve ever known that didn’t have _terrible_ food.”

Gallica just sighed. “If you say so. Castor, you’re still certain you’re up to having multiple visitors?” She’d gotten used to him correcting her as to who was fronting, though it still felt awkward each time.

“Definitely.” _No, not really, but I really do want to get out of here as soon as possible_.

“Actually, I just wanted to check in for a second,” admitted Greg, hefting the empty case back up. “I figured I’d leave the two of them to catch up for a bit.”

“That’s probably for the best,” agreed Gallica, leading him back out.

Castor sat alone in the room for a while, trying not to listen to the conversation outside the door, until…

“...Castor?”

“ _...Connie?_ ”

The two of them simply stared at each other for a time, their eyes watering, knowing but unbelieving.

Connie rushed into the room, pulling Castor into a tight hug, her calloused hands clutching onto his hospital garb as if for dear life. “I’m so sorry!” she cried into his shoulder. “I wanted to stay here, but, I- I didn’t want to leave, and Mom-”

“It’s okay!” reassured Castor, moving his thumb over the back of her neck. “We missed you a bit, but we knew you were okay. We don’t want you hurting yourself because of us.”

Connie mumbled a faint reply but didn’t say anything further, just appreciating the fact that he was still present, still alive.

_...she came here to see Steven, though._

_But, she called me ‘Castor’, and Dad said that Connie was the one that told him in the first place…_

“Are _you_ okay?” asked Castor, once they finally pulled apart. “I still don’t remember what happened, but, it looks like a lot of people got hurt, not just me.”

Connie nodded, holding out her hands- still scarred and calloused, but no more than they had been. “My right hand got a little burnt, but it was pretty minor,” she said with a smile.

“...that’s good,” said Castor, trying not to let any of his bitterness through. Connie just gave him a questioning look, and he sighed. “I mean- I’m glad you’re not hurt, I really am! But, um…” He played with the edges of his eye patch, out of habit more than anything. “Dr. Maheswaran said that, even once my healing powers start working again… the damage to my eye might be permanent.”

“...Castor, I’m so sorry,” said Connie in sympathy.

Castor laughed humorlessly. “Y’know, it’s kind of ironic, really… when we… when we split… I could _only_ see out of my right eye.”

“Really?”

“Mm. Pollux could only see out of the left.” He was still playing with the cotton patch, looking off to the side. “Didn’t really realize it until afterwards, I guess. Wasn’t exactly our biggest priority at the time…” He kept picking at the patch, scratching at the skin just underneath it, picking and picking and picking and-

Connie pulled his hand away, and he looked up in surprise, having been unaware of what he was doing. “Wh- um- sorry. I- I’m still kind of out of it, I think.”

“Just… don’t do it again,” said Connie, looking worried.

Castor paused. “Um… I, uh… like I said, I don’t really remember that much from what happened before, and…” He fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “...I don’t remember telling you, that, um…”

“I already kind of knew you were a fusion,” admitted Connie. “I was… I was there with you, remember?”

“I would never forget,” said Castor seriously. “I… neither of us would.”

“...Pollux talked to me,” she explained. “He… he said he was the one I carried you to. That he was… half. I tried to apologize, for being scared of him, but… he said that it was good that I was scared, because, um… if I was scared, I wouldn’t get hurt.”

Castor nodded. “I was scared too,” he admitted. “I didn’t realize then that I wasn’t just Steven without his gemstone, I guess?” He shrugged. “I, uh… it’s fine now, though. We don’t have to think about it anymore.”

Connie nodded, but Castor saw the way she clutched at the sheets behind her, the way she held herself. He didn’t say anything though.

“I’m on break next week,” she stated. “I’ll be able to be here more often then, but for now, we can still video call, yeah?”

Castor grinned. “Yeah! That would be nice. It’s pretty boring here for the most part.”

_Don’t leave me, please…_

_Don’t leave me alone with myself_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art has been added to Chapter 7 and Chapter 20.


	26. Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Run away, run away  
> And never look back  
> (Those memories aren't yours to keep)

One of the things that had been the most jarring for Steven, when it came to Homeworld Gems, was Pearls.

In theory, he had known that Pearls were viewed as made-to-order servants, as maids and secretaries and assistants, valued only in the way a particularly useful or pretty object might be. But growing up with Crystal Pearl as his only example for that particular cut of Gem made his mental image of Pearls a bit… biased.

The Freedom of Pearls act was one of the first changes he had affected on Homeworld, and arguably the biggest one so far. Pearls had the same rights as any other Gem, now, and could choose whether or not they wished to work for someone.

It had been… concerning, to say the least, to see so many Pearls stick to roles similar to the ones they’d had. It was one thing to see Rubies or Nephrites doing so, but… Pearls? But they insisted they wanted the jobs they had, that they had _chosen_ those jobs, that they were no longer being forced to do anything. In fact, some of them ran into an issue that he was… rather familiar with- there was nothing for them to _do._

So, a system had been set up, mainly by Crystal Pearl, Lime Pearl, and Lemon Pearl- previously Yellow Diamond’s Pearl (Steven briefly wondered if the citrus theme was intentional or not). It was relatively simple- just an app, entitled ‘Helping Hands’, where you could put in a request for help, with anything from paperwork to artistic critiques. If there was a Pearl nearby who wanted to help, they would be notified.

It wasn’t meant as a long-term thing- simply as a way to help Pearls get used to the idea of deciding things for themselves, to give them opportunities to try new things, and to meet new Gems. The app still existed, but it was only really used by new arrivals- most of the Pearls had found roles of their own.

What Steven had never expected was for _Hazel_ to sign up for it.

They were sitting together in the cafeteria now- he still needed to use the wheelchair most of the time, but he was able to stand up for longer periods, and Gallica said that it wouldn’t be long before he was back to walking on his own again.

Hazel played with her gloves a bit. “I’ve set things up on Homeworld such that Shimmer, Feather, and Dichroma are keeping things in check,” she explained, looking down. “I came back here as soon as I could, but, I don’t believe it would be best for either of us if I spent my time waiting for you to recover.”

“Probably not,” Steven agreed. “I, uh…” He tapped at the side of the holo-screen anxiously. “...are you doing okay?”

“What,” asked Hazel, her face conveying the confusion that her tone couldn’t.

Steven sighed. “I keep remembering like, little snatches of memories, bits and pieces, and… I remember you looking really scared of something.”

Her shoulders fell. “I was scared, yes. But I am unharmed, and I am safe. I… I do not know if you recall, but I promised that to you- that I would be safe. I do not break promises.”

Steven smiled. “I don’t know if that’s really heartwarming, or vaguely concerning.”

“Both are applicable, I imagine,” mused Hazel.

“Mm.”

“Steven…”

“Mm?”

“When we first met, you asked me if this,” She gestured to the blank half of her face. “was painful. I… I wish to ask the same of you, now.”

“...not anymore,” he replied. “It kinda ached for a while, but now it’s just kind of… there? But hey- look on the bright side! At least we match now!”

Hazel stared at him for a good, long while, before breaking into giggles- which, for her, sounded like something between a skipping record and a Tesla coil. “I can show you all the most fashionable eye patches,” she agreed with a grin.

“Matching eye patches.”

“Matching eye patches,” said Hazel, with a solemn expression- though she couldn’t keep it up for long.

“...actually, y’know what would look really good on you?” mused Steven. “Face paint! Or makeup, or whatever- unless that part of your face is really sensitive or something, then that wouldn’t really work.”

Hazel tilted her head to the side. “I’d never considered that,” she said thoughtfully. “My intent was always to hide my defect, not highlight it. While I am here, I will certainly look into the concept.”

Steven smiled at her. “I really am glad you came here,” he told her. “I guess I was kind of worried that everything had fallen apart while I was just sitting in bed… I mean, I didn’t really think that would happen? But it’s good to know that at least one of us knows what they’re doing. Plus,” he added, “it really is good to see you again.”

Hazel smiled softly, reaching over across the table to ruffle his hair, making him laugh. “And you as well, my Diamond.”

* * *

The two of them had talked a bit longer after that, mostly about what Hazel’s impression of Earth was like- “Very green, and loud but in a calming way”, she’d told him. After that, she’d wheeled him back to his room- she insisted on it, after he’d tried and failed to walk on his own- and he relaxed for a while, playing on the game console Lars had sent him.

He felt… okay. Not amazing- he was bored and confused and _useless_ , as always- but at least right now he had an excuse for it. Even if that meant having Gallica constantly check up on him- but that was her job, so, it was fine. It was _fine._

Someone knocked on the door.

Steven sighed, but responded with a few notes of song, and the door opened to reveal Crazy Lace Agate.

“You wouldn’t happen to know where Gallica is…?” she asked hopefully.

Steven shook his head- gently, he remembered this time. “She was here about, twenty minutes ago? Sorry.”

Crazy Lace shrugged. “No worries. I wanted to check in with you as well, anyways. Since we got cut short last time and all that.”

“...oh. Um…” Steven grimaced, rubbing at his arm a bit. “I… last time was… I don’t think I can do that again,” he admitted.

“You don’t have to,” said Crazy Lace. “I was actually wondering if you’d like to head to the rooftop garden.”

“There’s a garden here?” exclaimed Steven, with stars in his eyes. Crazy Lace just laughed.

“Yup. The Rose Quartzes may not have any real control over plantlife, but they do seem to have a fondness for it.”

_...I wonder if that was something Mom programmed into them intentionally. Making more soldiers who would fight for her cause…_

Nope, nope, stop that, not doing this right now

“I’m guessing there’s a bunch of pink roses, then?” asked Steven with a tilted smile.

“Actually, no- they didn’t want to have anything with thorns on it.”

“...that seems sensible.”

Crazy Lace walked over to where his wheelchair was propped up, and unfolded it. “So, is that a yes?”

“Yes it is,” decided Steven, carefully getting out of the bed. His claws clicked against the tile, extended as he tried to balance himself. “Um… can I try and walk some of the way there? I don’t want to make you have to carry the wheelchair, but…”

Crazy Lace hefted the chair onto her back in a single motion, using some of the straps on it to attach it like a backpack. “Oh no,” she deadpanned. “However will I, a Carnelian and Rutilated Quartz fusion, ever carry this terribly heavy piece of medical equipment.”

Steven had to sit back down again just so he didn’t fall over as he laughed- not so much at what she’d said, but the way she’d said it, with a completely straight face and a tone as flat as Hazel’s. “Y’know, I don’t think I’ve ever met your components,” he noted as he stood again on shaky legs. “I mean- that’s not me asking you to unfuse, I’m just… well. Trying to make conversation, I guess.”

“You have, actually,” she noted, staying by Steven’s side as they left the room, slow and steady. “Met them, that is- or, one of them. Carnelian was at the winter holiday festival, remember? Til isn’t very good with crowds; she stayed home and Carnelian brought back snacks.”

“Oh, now I remember! The only other Carnelian I know is short like Crystal Amethyst, I guess I just didn’t put two and two together.” He wobbled again as he talked, almost falling over before Crazy Lace caught him.

“I’m just surprised no-one stopped her when she brought an armload of sweets back to the apartment, really.”

“Is that…” Steven paused, trying to find his footing again. “Do stable fusions usually refer to their components as completely different people?”

“It depends on the fusion,” replied Crazy Lace, steering him towards the elevator. “Even then, most people will switch between ‘they’ and ‘we’ when referring to their components. There isn’t really a right or wrong.”

“...oh.”

Crazy Lace chuckled. “I’m guessing you were hoping for a more clear-cut answer than that?”

“Kind of,” admitted Steven. “I, um… can we change the subject?”

“This is still uncomfortable for you?” Steven nodded, and Crazy Lace hummed in response. “Is talking about fusion the issue? Or talking about you?”

“...the latter. I think.”

Crazy Lace nodded, and the elevator door opened. She opened her mouth to speak, but then saw the lights in Steven’s eyes as he looked at the garden.

It wasn’t grand, by any means, but… it was loved. Each flower, each plant, each bush, was carefully tended, with one of the Rose Quartzes trimming a bush even now, using her summoned weapon- a curved dagger- instead of a knife or shears. A few other patients milled about- an uncorrupted Pearl with one arm in a sling (and wasn’t that still something odd to see), a Zircon that looked to simply need time to relax, and a Peridot being helped by another Rose Quartz in the same way Crazy Lace was helping him now- some Gems had an easier time adapting to a lack of limb enhancers than others. They weren’t forced to give them up, of course, but many chose too even if doing so was difficult.

The garden itself seemed to be a mixture of herbs, medical plants, and flowers of almost every shade of pink. Steven wondered briefly if it was simply color preference, or in memory of their Diamond, but he shoved that thought away quickly.

He moved over to use the side of one of the plant boxes as support, walking along the path to look at little metal signs in front of each plant, written in both English and Gemglyph. Connie had pointed out once to him that it was rather ironic that he was fluent in Gemsong, but, at the time, could only read English. He could read Gemglyph a lot better now, though- the telepathic properties of Gemsong didn’t extend to the written word.

Steven walked- slowly, carefully- along the walkway, looking up to see if there were any more flowers on the side across from him, and then-

and then-

and then-

and then-

There was a mirrored window in the garden.

Nothing significant, nothing of note, just a little thing. It’s not even all that near him. But it’s enough that he caught just a sliver of his reflection.

Crazy Lace was talking, he knew that, he could hear the tune of her Song in the back of his mind, but everything in him was focused on the mirror.

_I can’t look away._

He could hear his heartbeat, could hear his breathing, could hear the faint hum of his gemstone.

He took a step forward.

“...Steven?”

Crazy Lace’s voice was drowned out by the ringing, the buzzing in his ears, in his head, in his gemstone. He took a step forward.

He looked as tired as he felt, with his disheveled hair, the bags under his eyes. The scratches on his face had faded to scars now, and he traced his fingers across them, feeling the raised skin.

_Broken._

He felt Crazy Lace’s hand on his shoulder, and heard her saying something, but the words were just static in his head.

With a single motion, he tore off the cloth padding on his face, and he opened his eyes.

And he remembered.

* * *

_I didn’t mean to hurt her, she just, I just-_

_I don’t even look Human anymore-_

_I don’t want to go back to Earth but I can’t stay here and-_

_I have to trust Hazel_

* * *

_I hurt her, I knew I would, I-_

_It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts_

_JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!_

_Please_

_I don’t want to be alone anymore_

* * *

_“ There was never a monster here.”_

_“ It was just us.”_

* * *

_“ And **maybe,** we've had a not-so-nice thought or two about, oh, you know, **tearing my own throat out,** but it's not like we actually went through with it! I only **actually** shattered Jasper!”_

_ They didn’t know they didn’t know they didn’t know they- _

_ How didn’t they see? _

_ It’s my fault, I hid it from them, it’s my fault, I don’t want to blame them- _

_ WHY DIDN’T THEY CARE? _

_ I don’t want to hurt you, please, please- _

_ JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! _

_ I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I- _

_ Leave. Just leave  _

_ I don’t want to hurt you _

_ You’ve already hurt me _

_I’m sorry_

* * *

_**I’m sorry** _

* * *

He couldn’t breathe.

There were eyes everywhere, staring, staring, staring, he couldn’t breathe, he-

Someone’s hand was on his shoulder, and he pushed away from them, gasping for air, trying to, trying to-

He couldn’t breathe.

He pushed himself into a corner, curling up, gasping, gasping, rocking in place, he couldn’t-

There was static everywhere, in his head, in his ears, all around him, static, he couldn’t-

He couldn’t breathe.

In the back of his mind, he realized he was trying to scream, to yell, to move, to get away.

He couldn’t breathe.

“Steven. Steven, I need you to look at me.”

There was something in the static, all greens and greys and browns, staring at him with an eye that wasn’t an eye.

“Steven, I need you to focus,” said the not-static, her hands raised in front of her. “Try and focus on your breathing- don’t try and force it, just… slowly, in, and out.”

He tried to say something, to say he was trying. He couldn’t breathe.

“You’re safe now. In, and out. In, and out.”

In

and out

His lungs burned. He still gasped for air, choking, choking.

In

and out

In

and out

The static started to fade, and the real world started to take shape.

In

and out

He blinked, trying to process his surroundings. There was no static, no staring eyes, no danger. Just himself and a green Gem in an empty garden.

He couldn’t help it. Steven sobbed and sobbed, curling up into a ball, pushing himself further back into the corner. “I’m- I’m sorry- I didn’t-”

The Gem put a hand on his shoulder, and, reflexively, he flinched away- then relaxed, leaning into the touch. She held him close, and let him cry.

“You’re safe now,” she soothed, rubbing a thumb across the back of his neck. “Everyone’s okay. No-one’s mad at you.”

“I remember all of it,” he whispered against her shoulder. “I- I hurt so many people-”

“I know. I know. No-one’s blaming you.”

He didn’t believe it, but… he wanted to, so, so much.

Steven cried until his eyes were dry, and even then he stayed there, letting the green Gem hold him until he fell asleep in her arms.

_I remember._

__


	27. Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _worthless_

he was

he was…

awake

awake

someone carrying him

bright lights

song

fading, fading

* * *

light, weightlessness

void

he reaches for it, but is pulled back

porcelain skin and delicate hands

the weight returns, and he fades

* * *

songs, overlapping, discordant

a screeching violin interrupted by the brash cacophony of cymbals

he can’t hear any of the words

there’s

sunlight, pouring through the window

sunlight, emitted by the lamp at his bedside

nothing is tangible

the songs fade into the background

he’s

he’s

* * *

_we should have died in White’s head_

* * *

Garnet was watching over him when he managed to regain some semblance of consciousness. Even through her visor, he could see her concern.

~~_“I’m fine!”_ ~~

~~_“Steven, this isn’t you! Whoever’s making you do this-”_ ~~

~~_He laughed, because he couldn’t do anything else._ ~~

~~_His body and mind were tearing themselves apart, and she was trying to find someone to blame._ ~~

“...you’re awake.”

Steven gave a quiet huff in response. He knew Garnet would See he was awake, that didn’t mean he intended to talk to her just yet.

I was so worried about her, but…

She hurt us. We trusted her, and she hurt us.

“I should have Seen this coming,” she mused, looking away. “I was so distracted by the present, that I…” She shook her head. “You’re safe now, Steven. We won’t let anyone hurt you.”

That was never the problem, though…? It- we were never the ones in danger…

Steven just closed his eyes and curled up even tighter, clutching his blankets over his form. He heard Garnet sigh, and felt her place a hand on his side.

“It’s okay to take your time. I know you’ll be able to talk with us again eventually.”

He heard Garnet leave the room, and listened closely as Pearl stopped her right outside his door.

“Is- is he going to be okay?” she asked, her song wavering, shaking.

“...I don’t know. I… I can barely See _anything_ about him right now,” admitted Garnet. “...perhaps… we should have left him with the medical staff.”

“ _What?_ ” squeaked Pearl. “You _saw_ the kind of state he was in! And they haven’t been letting any of us see him, but they let that- that _Homeworld Pearl_ we’ve never even _met_ see him- we- we can’t- I can’t just let him go _again!_ ”

“...I know.”

“...”

“We should let him rest for now.”

* * *

...he’d felt okay, before.

But now he knew that was just ignorance.

Pollux had been right to not want to remember. To want to keep the memories buried. But Steven knew that wouldn’t have lasted, really. He would have remembered in time, some way or another.

He could still feel the crystalline bones that had grown uncontrollably, the horns and spikes that had shown everyone what he really was.

We don’t have to pretend anymore

...I’m so tired of smiling

But I don’t think it was worth it

Steven wished he could say there were parts he didn’t remember, things that were still blurry, but… he could remember it in detail.

The horror he’d felt, seeing that even White Diamond wasn’t safe from him.

The feeling of his own body being torn apart from the inside as each muscle, each bone, made way for the monster’s skin.

The peace he’d felt in the forest.

...he should probably have been concerned about how much he missed that peace.

* * *

Garnet came to check on him regularly, but for the most part, she left him alone with himself. Pearl was in the house as well, but… she was acting strangely. Either avoiding him completely, or tripping over herself trying to help him.

...physically, he felt just fine. The only thing that hadn’t healed by now was his eye. Everything else was either completely gone, or gradually fading.

He just couldn’t convince himself to do anything.

The only time he ever got out of bed was to use the bathroom, or try and eat something. Food… nothing tasted good anymore. He had to force it down, and the only reason he even did that was because if he didn’t, Pearl would get all the more anxious.

Steven didn’t know if he wanted to be left alone to rot, or wanted someone to hold him close and tell him everything was gonna be okay, even if he knew it was a lie.

* * *

His clock told him it had only been two days since he’d been in the hospital.

It felt closer to two years.

Connie had come by, had demanded to be let in, but Pearl wouldn’t let her past the door. She didn’t want anyone disrupting his recovery, apparently.

He desperately wanted to run down the steps, to tell Connie he needed her, but…

He couldn’t.

_Useless._

Coward

Pathetic

He tried to forget about her and go back to sleep.

* * *

...of all the places he could wake up, he didn’t expect to find himself in the back of his dad’s van, as the sun was setting.

“Wha’s… wha’s g’n on…” he slurred, prompting a quiet _“ah shit”_ from someone. He tried to blink the weariness from his eyes, and saw…

Steven jerked back with a yelp, weakly grasping at the pile of junk he was leaning on. Jasper just closed her eyes and sighed. “I’m not gonna hurt you, kid,” she told him calmly.

“Wh- I thought you said he trusts her?” exclaimed Greg from the driver’s seat.

“She is pretty intimidating,” argued Amethyst from her perch on the back of the passenger seat.

“We _need_ to get there before they notice he’s gone,” insisted Connie, trying to look back past Amethyst.

...what the actual fuck is going on right now.

Is EVERYONE here!?

“Are you uninjured,” asked Hazel as she leaned over him, her question conveyed in her expression.

Looks like it

“...what _is_ going on?” mumbled Steven, pushing away the voices in his head.

“We’re kidnapping you,” stated Jasper plainly, earning her a glare from Connie.

“We’re bringing you back to the Medical Centre,” she explained. “Pearl- she was coming to visit you when you… when you had your panic attack. She freaked out and has... _basically_ been holding you hostage.”

“...why?”

“Look, kiddo, Pearl’s never been great with-”

“No, I mean… why are you _bothering_ with this?”

“...what? Steven, what are you talking about?”

“I almost _killed_ everyone,” he mumbled, grabbing onto his arm. “I _did_ kill you,” he said to Jasper. “I don’t… just… you shouldn’t bother.”

The van screeched to a halt, throwing everyone forwards, with Jasper almost crushing Hazel and Amethyst getting thrown onto the dashboard.

“This is why we wear seatbelts, kids,” she muttered dazedly.

Greg stormed out of the van, and threw open the back door with an expression that could only be described as ‘righteous fury’.

Steven figured whatever angry spiel he was about to hear, he probably deserved it.

He hadn’t been expecting Greg to almost yank him out of the back of the van, enveloping him in a tight hug.

“Don’t you _ever_ say something like that,” he cried, holding Steven close. “We’re doing this for you, because we _want_ to.”

“I don’t deserve it,” argued Steven quietly. He felt the van shift behind him and Jasper extricated herself and hopped down onto the rough gravel, kneeling so that she was at eye level with him.

“You’d do the same shit for me,” she told him. “And we both know damn well that it’s not because I ‘deserve’ it. What I ‘deserve’ isn’t up for either of us to decide.”

“Jasper…”

“Nope. No arguing. Either you’re getting back in that van and with us to the Medical Centre, or I _will_ drag your sorry ass back there myself.”

Steven choked out a laugh. “Can, um…” he blushed. “I… I’d like it if… if Connie could sit in the back with me.”

“Done,” replied Connie, who he hadn’t realized had been near him this whole time. “Hazel can deal with having Amethyst for a hat.”

“What?” argued Amethyst from the car. “Don’t I get to spend some quality time with my big sis?”

“Your ‘big sis’ is too big for the van’s seats,” noted Greg. “And I’m not willing to try and fit her in there again.”

Jasper grunted in agreement as she helped Steven back into the van as all six of them piled back in, and headed back onto the road.

“...what did you guys even _do?_ ” asked Steven, looking at the odd assortment of passengers.

“We kidnapped you, duh,” said Amethyst, having taken the form of a cat to better fit on the seat’s headrest. “Pearl’s _freaking out-_ and like, legit? I don’t blame her for that, but deciding that she knew better than like, _actual professionals_ , was _distinctly_ not cool.”

Steven frowned. “How? Garnet’s been there since I woke up.” He followed the three rather awkward stares towards Hazel.

“You wanna tell him or should I?” asked Amethyst of Connie.

“...tell me what?”

Connie sighed. “Hazel broke us in,” she explained. “And yes, I am _very_ aware that the Diamonds insisted you have a fancy security system. Don’t ask me how she got around Garnet’s Vision, because I have _no_ idea.”

“You brought back a fucking _assassin_ , my dude,” stated Amethyst, seemingly unconcerned that she was sitting nearly on top of said assassin.

Steven frowned. “She’s an off-color Pearl,” he said. “You’ve seen what Homeworld was like- what it’s still like.” He looked up, meeting Hazel’s gaze in the rearview mirror. “I’m not gonna judge her for what she had to do to survive.”

“...thank you,” replied Hazel, barely more than a whisper.

* * *

It didn’t take them long to arrive at the Medical Centre. Amethyst and Greg helped Steven back in- he was still a bit unsteady as he walked, still holding onto Amethyst like she was his only protection. Connie watched as a large yellow and orange Gem met them in the lobby- she didn’t remember her name, but she did remember she was at the skating rink.

...that felt like a _lifetime_ ago, now.

Connie fell back against the inside of the van, playing with a stim toy from her pocket. Hazel moved out of her seat, and joined Connie and Jasper in the back.

“...he’s afraid,” muttered Jasper after a long moment of nothing. “Afraid of something I can’t protect him from.” Her claws flexed in and out, clutching at the rough carpet beneath.

“Since when do you care about protecting him?” asked Connie- no venom in her tone, just simple curiosity.

“Since he proved to me that he’s capable of being strong,” Jasper stated simply. “I thought, before, that… all that laughing, smiling, singing, it was him being weak. Giving people ways to hurt him. But that’s not it, is it?” She looked over at Connie with an openness that was alien to her. “He doesn’t smile because he’s too naive to know pain. He smiles because he’s been through hell and back, and decided to be kind instead.”

Connie smiled sadly. “He’s amazing.”

Jasper gazed out at the hospital building, illuminated only by streetlamps and the waning moon. “I would be proud to call him my Diamond,” she said distantly.

Connie sighed. “This whole thing is gonna be hard to cover up politically, isn’t it?” she muttered. “A corrupted Diamond- how well’s _that_ gonna go?”

“...Dichroma Pearl has been monitoring all communications leaving Earth,” said Hazel, looking anxious. “She has been instructed to divert or scramble any messages concerning the event.”

“...isn’t that incredibly illegal?”

“Not if there isn’t any proof,” replied Hazel casually. Connie just stared at her, until Hazel continued. “This is only a temporary measure. This is not something that can be hidden forever, but there must be control over how it is presented. Anything that implies Steven to be weak, or unfit for leadership, will become a weak spot that the elites will target.”

Jasper growled. “Damn _politics_ ,” she spat. “Lies and deceptions, all so the elites can brag about how important they are.”

“Lies and deceptions that this Era may depend on,” argued Hazel. “There are many that see Era 3 as a temporary experiment, and one that will soon fail. The moment that Steven cannot retain his role as a Diamond, every elite that has lost power because of him will grind him into dust.”

“...I thought Gems were programmed to follow the Diamonds?” said Connie. “Doesn’t that apply to him, too?”

“They don’t see him as being a ‘true’ Diamond. They see him as simply another Gem with power. I can assure you that the moment they see an opportunity, they will not hesitate to take it.”

Jasper roared suddenly, leaping out of the van and smashing her fist into the street, leaving a sizable hole in its place before she returned to her seat. “I don’t like problems I can’t punch,” she explained bitterly.

“Now that I can relate to,” said Connie.

“...Jasper, you previously showed your frustration over not being able to protect Steven. That… that is what I intend to do.”

Jasper stared at Hazel. “How?”

“I know the intricacies of Homeworld’s politics,” said Hazel. “I know who I can trust, and who I cannot. I know how to… remove someone, if need be. Not shatter them- that often _causes_ more problems than it _solves_. No, rather, there are very few elites that do not have some dirty secret or other.”

“Blackmail?”

“You disapprove.”

“No, I’m actually impressed,” said Connie.

“I am… I am not proud of these skills. But Era 3 must not fail. Steven must not fail. In order to survive Homeworld, he would have to be… unkind. Untrusting. Jaded. Distant. I will not let that happen.” She closed her eye. “It has happened to me. It will not happen to him.”

Hazel opened her eye again as Connie placed a hand on her shoulder. “You’re a lot like him, you know,” she told her. “If you ever need my help, let me know.”

“Same here,” grumbled Jasper. “You’re pretty tough for a Pearl.”

“I am tough because I am a Pearl,” corrected Hazel with a smile. Jasper rolled her eyes, but didn’t argue.

The conversation faded, and Connie could hear the crickets chirping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title: Connie Forms A Girl Gang, And Greg Is Their Getaway Driver


	28. But Home's A Place That I Have Never Known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't want your _pity_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Lots of discussions and depictions of self-harm, and a lot of negative language towards people with mental disabilities. If hearing someone use 'crazy' or 'insane' as an insult makes you feel at all uncomfortable, take some extra precaution while reading through the twin stars' conversation. Bad stuff starts a bit after "Not two different people- just two halves."  
> (This chapter is also why there's now an 'unreliable narrator' tag)

Dr Maheswaran was, without a doubt, _pissed_. Steven didn’t usually prefer to use that sort of language, but, it was hard to stay together when Castor was close to having an anxiety attack.

...how often had one of his components taken over, and he hadn’t even realized it? He had their memories, their thoughts- there were times when part of his brain seemed to just go offline, for some reason or another. Had that always been them?

Steven closed his eye, and Pollux opened it. Castor needed time to process, but they needed to be aware of what was happening right now.

Amethyst had taken the form of a cat again, sitting on his lap, letting him play with her fur. Having Lion was always a good source of comfort, but no-one had seen him since… all that. Amethyst made a decent replacement, making herself heavier than her size implied, helping Pollux focus, ground himself. Greg sat next to him, holding his left hand as his right moved over Amethyst’s mane.

They were sitting in a well-sized office, with Gallica, Centi, and Dr Maheswaran across from them. And, as previously stated, Dr Maheswaran was, in fact, pissed off.

“Let me- let me get this straight,” she muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Pearl- er, Crystal Pearl, specifically- saw him having a panic attack, though it was because of the hospital and _not_ because of the sudden flood of _incredibly_ distressing memories, decided to kidnap him and lock him in the house and not allow any visitors, so _Connie_ decided to un-kidnap him, with your help. Am I getting this right?”

“I mean, Red Jasper and Hazel Pearl helped too,” noted Amethyst casually. Dr Maheswaran looked fit to burst.

“I wish I could say I couldn’t believe this, but the worst part is that I can.”

“Pearl was just doing what she thought was best,” argued Greg softly. “I’m not saying that she did the right thing- just that she thought she was, y’know?”

Dr Maheswaran sat back down, sighing. “Unfortunately, I do know. I’ve very nearly done the exact same thing with Connie on multiple occasions. But I _cannot_ stress how important it is that he receives medical assistance right now.”

“Normally, the gap between being healed of corruption and actually _remembering_ it is one of months, even years- a handful of the very first Gems to be healed still don’t remember,” explained Centi. “This is a very difficult time emotionally, and a… somewhat delicate one, as well.”

“...what do you mean, ‘delicate’?” asked Greg nervously.

Centi looked uncomfortable. “If not handled with the appropriate, er, tact, regaining and understanding these memories can easily lead to a… relapse.”

Pollux moved his left hand away to clutch at the side of his chair, ignoring the dent left in it.

It could happen all over again

“We have more than a few safety measures in place,” noted Gallica. “Both for the corrupted individuals and for the staff. You wouldn’t have to worry about anyone getting hurt,” she added with a nod towards Pollux.

Greg glanced over at Amethyst, and she nodded. “How long would he have to stay here?” he asked of the three across from him.

“No more than another night or two,” replied Dr Maheswaran. “I’ll be perfectly honest- we don’t have enough room for extra patients right now. Plus, it’d be better for him to be in a familiar and comfortable environment.”

“The issue isn’t him staying at home,” explained Centi. “But right now, the most important things are going to be stability and emotional support. If possible, I’d like to meet with the two of you- Crystal Amethyst and Mister Greg Universe- as well as Crystal Pearl and Crystal Garnet… if at all possible.”

“But not Steven?” asked Amethyst with a tilt of her head.

Centi hummed. “I’ve no issue with any of you discussing parts of it with him later on, but a lot of what I’d like to talk about will involve things that would be very distressing. Again- if you feel he should know any of it, I will have to trust your judgement.”

“Part of it will concern the safety measures I mentioned earlier,” added Gallica with a slight blush. “Hearing others talk about how to not get injured by you can be… difficult. But it is necessary.”

“While it is possible for a corrupted Gem to recognize friends or family while in a docile state,” added Centi, “any of those memories are completely buried the moment they feel they’re in any danger.”

~~_“I bet part of you knows me, huh? Even if you’re not all there…”_ ~~

~~_“You could never just up and forget your old man, could ya?”_ ~~

~~_“I- I don’t care if you do look like this, or if the others think you’re a monster. You’re my son.”_ ~~

Pollux clasped Greg’s hand in his own, silently. Greg returned the motion with a brief squeeze, and ran his thumb back and forth across the back of Pollux’s hand.

“Are you gonna be okay with all of this?” he asked calmly. “I… I don’t want to be forcing you to do anything…”

“ _Yeah,_ ” whispered Pollux, his song barely audible.

“...if possible, I’d also suggest setting up regular meetings with Crazy Lace Agate,” added Gallica hesitantly, earning her an odd look from Dr Maheswaran.

“Normally I’d argue that you’re a bit biased when it comes to her, but seeing as the only other fusion counselor is Garnet, I’ll have to agree with you.” She paused, muttering something to herself about _“I still can’t believe this is my new ‘normal’ now”_.

We don’t need someone to FIX us!

We both know that we do

Just- just- we’re fine! We’ll figure it out, or, or, something!

...I think the fact that we’re arguing about it like this is proof that we do, actually, need someone to fix us

...shit. You’re right, and I hate it

That’s fair

Pollux was snapped back into reality by Greg nudging him. “Steven? You still with us?”

“...not Steven,” he replied, still as quiet as he could be while still being heard. “Pollux. And… we think it would be for the best.” He didn’t look up, didn’t make eye contact, looking off to the side when Amethyst gazed up at him.

“...are you sure this is something you want?” asked Greg, holding his hand tight.

“...no. But it’s something we need.”

“This isn’t professional therapy,” noted Dr Maheswaran. “Mostly because Human psychology doesn’t exactly cover these sorts of topics. Rather, Crazy Lace- _I still feel like I’m insulting her-_ will act as a source of advice and stability, as well as a mediator if need be. She won’t be able to provide professional help, simply personal experience.”

Pollux simply nodded.

Good. We don’t need someone else trying to get into our head

...heads?

Centi stood up somewhat awkwardly, her gangly limbs not quite fitting in her chair. “I think that’s about everything for now,” she said in her song of chirps and clicks. “Gallica can help get Ste- _Pollux_ , settled back in, but if one of you would like to stay with him…?”

Pollux held Amethyst close to him as he stood up, and Amethyst gave Greg a tiny thumbs up, making him laugh. “I’ve been outvoted, it looks like.” Pollux actually managed to smile at that.

...why Amethyst?

...us worst Gems stick together

She… I don’t…

I know. She doesn’t deserve to be lumped in with us. But… I want her to be. Is that selfish?

Yes

...do you want me to tell her to leave?

...no. I don’t.

...I’m sorry

* * *

Coming back to the hospital room felt both like returning home, and like being locked in a cell. Familiar, but lonely. Unwanted.

Amethyst jumped down as Pollux sat on the side of the bed, shifting back into her base form- ‘stretching her legs’, so to speak- and handed Pollux a large pillow. “I need a sec to rest my form, yeah?” Pollux just nodded at her, holding the pillow close to him, rocking back and forth, back and forth.

Nothing was right. Nothing was right. Everyone _knew_ , and, and- why were they _doing_ this for him? He’d tried to destroy Little Homeworld! He hadn’t been turned into a monster, he’d turned _himself_ into a monster- there was no outside force to blame.

...Castor had been right.

They would be better off apart. Apart in such a way that Castor would survive. He wouldn’t have their powers anymore, but that was a good thing- it was their powers that got them into this mess.

Gallica was saying something to him, but he didn’t want to hear it. There were plenty of other people she could be spending her time on- people he’d hurt. She was probably only here because that was her job. Only putting up with him because she had to.

Pollux shifted back into reality as a cold, wet nose pushed against his arm. Amethyst’s cobalt blue eyes stared up at him. “Hey. You still with us?” Pollux shook his head. “‘kay. You still wanna hold me?”

Pollux stared down at the pillow he was still holding, trying to figure out what to do with it, before carefully setting it down at his side. Amethyst allowed herself to be picked up and cradled against his chest as he continued to rock back and forth.

He closed his eye, focusing on the sound of Amethyst’s breathing, on the texture of her fur.

The fluorescent lights were buzzing overhead.

* * *

Amethyst ended up leaving to go with Greg to see what Centi had to say. Pollux told her he didn’t mind, of course- he didn’t want to annoy her or make things worse. After that, he’d told Gallica he wanted to be left alone.

He… he wasn’t actually sure if that was the case or not. He wanted to kick and scream and yell at everyone to just stay away from him, and at the same time, being alone was the last thing he wanted.

“We _aren’t_ alone, though.”

“Maybe I wish I was.”

Castor sighed. “Yeah…”

Pollux got up off the bed, stretching his legs a bit. “You’re mad at me.”

“I don’t know. I might be. I… I can’t tell. I can’t tell what’s me and what’s you.”

“Does it matter? We have some differences, yeah, but not all that many. Do we even know we’re different people?”

“We’ve unfused-”

“Into two identical beings- one Human, one Gem, but otherwise mirror images.” Pollux sighed, looking at him- at themselves- in the mirror. Their left eye was partially open, showing a blood-shot sclera. “You could feel, and I couldn’t. I could live, and you couldn’t. Not two different people- just two halves.”

Castor glared at their reflection, then looked away. “Just stop. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Don’t you?” asked Pollux, putting his hand up on the wall, letting his claws dig in. “Don’t you want to hear the truth, about just how _insane_ we are? Neither of us are real people and you know it.”

Castor growled. “Shut up. Shut up.”

Pollux just laughed, slumping against the wall. “Steven Universe, Savior of the Galaxy, _He Who Uplifts the Universe_ \- has gone completely and utterly _cra~zy!_ ”

“Stop it!” Castor dug his claws into their skin. “We _chose_ that Name, you can’t just-”

“I can do whatever the hell I _want!_ ”

“Stop, stop, stop.” Castor begged and pleaded as he slid down the wall, leaning against the corner. “Please, stop. You don’t want to feel this either.”

“...of course I don’t. But don’t we deserve it?”

Castor didn’t reply, just dug his claws in deeper. It hurt, but that was the point. It hurt and it was real and he was in control, and that was good.

The anger finally died down, and Steven choked out a sob, curling up into a ball, pushing himself against the corner of the room. “I’m okay,” he told himself. “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.” He didn’t notice that the claw marks on his arm weren’t healing. “I’m okay. I’m-”

Steven’s words were cut off by a knock on the door, and his claws pushed in again. “I’m okay,” he insisted. “I’m okay. I’m okay.”

“...Steven?” Gallica’s voice was patient, concerned. “May I come in?”

“NO!” “Yes, please, please, I-” “I’m fine! We’re fine! Don’t-” “I’m scared, please, I don’t-” “Shut up shut up shut up-” “Help me-”

Castor’s hands found their way to their throat, digging at the muscles beside it. “No, no, no, no, no-”

Gallica stepped meekly into the room, her eyes widening the moment she saw them. She pushed forwards, kneeling down in front of them and moving their hands. “Steven-”

“ **DON’T TOUCH ME!** ”

The force pushed Gallica back a bit, just enough to make her lose her balance. Their breathing quickened, eyes searching, searching- they’d _hurt_ her, they’d hurt her just like _She_ had hurt Pip-

But Gallica sat back up, undamaged- not even a scratch on her form. “I won’t let you keep hurting yourself,” she told them calmly. “If you continue to do so, I will call Crazy Lace over here and have her restrain you. Your powers are exhausted from your corruption.”

“It’s fine,” argued Castor frantically. “It- it’ll heal- it, it’ll just take a bit longer now, it’s fine-”

“Steven-”

“Isn’t here right now,” replied Pollux.

“Please leave a message after the tone,” joked Castor, a manic edge to his smile as he mimicked the aforementioned tone with ease.

Gallica sighed. “That doesn’t change things. Whether you’re intending to harm yourselves or each other, I can’t permit it.”

“...okay.” Castor laid their hands in their lap, not looking up. “I won’t… I’ll stop. I’ll stop.”

Gallica looked relieved. “Please. I recognize this is difficult for both of you. I don’t… I don’t enjoy forcing you in any way.”

...no-one can know

I don’t want to hide it-

We can’t worry them

...it’ll heal

We’ll just be discreet

_It’s fine_

Steven nodded, focusing on his breathing. “I- I’m here now. Just- just me.”

Gallica nodded. “Mister Greg Universe and Crystal Amethyst will be here shortly, to bring you back to the Obsidian Temple. I… I am going to have to tell them what happened,” she admitted, gesturing to the bleeding claw-marks. “I will get you some bandages first.”

Steven just nodded, numb. _They shouldn’t know, they shouldn’t have to deal with this, I don’t want- I don’t- I- please-_

* * *

* * *

Greg and Amethyst hadn’t said anything to him, but he could see the pity behind their eyes. He was pathetic and they knew it.

...he deserved it anyways.

Steven didn’t speak at all as they got into the van. Connie and Jasper had already left, with the former being picked up by Dr Maheswaran- it was getting rather late- and the latter heading back into the forest. Greg had talked to Hazel a bit, outside of the car, while Amethyst tried to cheer him up.

She sat across from him, worried. “...y’know what?” Steven looked up, but didn’t say anything. “We get back, I’m building you the best sad-nest this planet has seen,” she said stubbornly. “Because I’m not-” Amethyst looked away, song breaking partway through. “I’m not letting you deal with this on your own, yeah?”

Steven just shrugged, and Amethyst crossed her arms determined. “That’s it. I’m gonna buy you all the best ice creams I can find, plus every single _Lonely Blade_ and _Dogcopter_ movie we own- which, to be fair, is all of them.”

“I’m fine. I just need to figure some stuff out on my own.”

He could hear Amethyst sniff back tears. “Then I’m giving ‘em all to you anyways. You can be fine on your own and also have ice cream.”

_She’s trying her best and I’m just making it worse_

_No-one’s going to believe me anymore. I shouldn’t expect them to_

_They’ve seen what I am now_

_Why aren’t they treating me like it?_

Hazel got into the passenger seat as Greg sat down at the wheel. “I do not believe I will be able to assist you,” she told him. “But I will ensure that you or one of his other guardians will be able to contact me. I will keep things running smoothly on Homeworld in the meantime.”

“Thanks,” said Greg as he started up the van. “I know all that Homeworld junk has been really stressing him out. I don’t want him to feel like he has to deal with that on top of everything else.”

“I will contact Connie first if something comes up,” noted Hazel, before sighing. “I… he hasn’t even hit two decades, and they’re putting him in charge of not just the reformation of an entire empire, but the creation and management of his own Court. He’s a Diamond, not a Goddess.”

_...even she thinks I can’t do it_

_She’s right, though_

_… I’m not even a Diamond, not really_

I don’t want to be one

...we don’t deserve it


	29. Diamond's Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I look in the mirror, and I'm afraid.  
> I've always been a monster, I think.  
> Because I've always been a _Diamond_.

Steven stared blankly out the windows as the van moved through Little Homeworld, kept alight by street lamps and torches. The settlement tended to quiet down at night, even for those who didn’t need to sleep, but that wasn’t the case that night.

He watched as Mossy Agate, as well as a handful of other Agates that he didn’t recognize, directed a small crew of Bismuths. _They were probably hired out to help repair things,_ he figured. _Help clean up the mess I made._

He wanted to ask if anyone had been hurt, but he already knew the answer. He’d seen what the Medical Centre had been like. How many Gems had been poofed? How many had been cracked?

...had anyone been _shattered?_

Steven pushed that thought down as best he could. This wasn’t the time. They were already worried about him, they didn’t need to see him panicking over his own stupid mistakes.

Greg pulled the van up as near to the Temple house as he could, which Steven appreciated- he could walk on his own, technically, but he was still a bit unsteady. He wondered briefly whether that had more to do with being in a hospital bed for so long, or because his brain was still used to walking on six legs.

“I thought I was staying at the Centre,” mused Steven as Amethyst helped him out of the van.

“Dr Maheswaran wanted to keep you under observation for a while,” explained Greg. “But, uh- sorry, what was that green lady’s name again?”

“Centipeetle, or ‘Centi’,” replied Hazel, staying by Steven’s side in case he fell.

“...I still don’t get why she _kept_ that name,” he said, watching his steps. “It- it was what we called her when… before she was healed.”

“Huh. Well, she said that as long as we kept them updated, and they were able to check up on you every now and then, it would probably be better for you to be somewhere familiar.”

“Oh. That’s, um… yeah. Okay.”

Steven tried not to let the silence weigh on him. They were embarrassed by him, weren’t they? Some ‘savior of the galaxy’ he turned out to be.

The house was quiet when they arrived, and none of them were quite willing to break that silence, that oppressive stillness. The whole place felt… strange. Like being in a friend’s house when nobody was home. That feeling that you weren’t meant to be here.

“I’mma go make some hot cocoa,” decided Amethyst quietly, moving over to the kitchen after transferring Steven over to Hazel, who led him gently over to the couch.

“Is there anything I can get for you,” she asked him, her form portraying her anxiety.

Steven shook his head. “I don’t wanna ask anything more of you. I don’t… I don’t wanna bug you.”

“...I would feel very awkward being here without feeling that I am helping in some way,” Hazel admitted. Greg smiled at her, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“How ‘bout you grab some blankets from upstairs?” he offered her. “If you’d like.”

“Thank you. Yes, I can do that.”

Greg sat down next to Steven as Hazel headed up into his room. “There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, you know,” he said softly, reaching over to-

Steven gasped and jumped back at the feeling of someone touching his shoulders, curling up against the corner of the couch. “NO! I-” His eyes went wide. “I’m sorry! I didn’t- I’m sorry-”

“It’s okay!” Greg smiled at him kindly. “Steven, it’s _okay_. I’m not mad at you.”

Steven stared at him for a moment, then nodded slowly. “Okay. I…” He frowned. “I didn’t… how did you know I wasn’t…?”

“Your voices- er, ‘songs’- sound a bit different,” Greg explained with an awkward shrug.

“...huh. That’s… I guess that’s good, then?”

“Saves me from having to buy a bunch of nametags,” joked Greg with a shrug. He opened his mouth to say something else, but was cut off by a sound a bit like either a record scratch or a paper jam, which was immediately followed by Hazel fleeing from Steven's room and shutting the door behind her. “...Hazel?”

“There is a very large predatory feline in the room and it was not there just a moment ago,” explained Hazel with a terrified expression.

“ _...Lion!?_ ”

“It may be a lion, yes, I am not an expert on Earth fauna-”

“Nah, dude, he means _Lion_. Like, his pet lion,” explained Amethyst as she brought over the finished coca, having given herself an extra pair of hands in order to carry all four mugs.

“...his lion, which is named Lion.”

“To be fair, he also grew up with an Amethyst named _Amethyst,_ a Pearl named _Pearl,_ and a Garnet named _Garnet,_ ” commented Amethyst with a shrug. “Which, I mean, it wasn’t really an _issue_ before, but still.”

“Garnet also named her own cat ‘Cat Steven’,” noted Greg.

“In my defense, I named Lion when I was like, _thirteen,_ ” added Steven.

Hazel just stared at them. “Is it safe for me to let it out.”

Before any of them could answer, a shining pink portal appeared in the middle of the living room, with Lion leaping out of it. Amethyst had to dodge out of the way as he slid across the hardwood floor, before bounding over to where Steven sat. Lion sat his head on Steven’s lap, staring up at him with large, sea-green eyes.

Hazel stared as Steven started petting the massive predator. “Query: Can most lions do that,” she asked, still standing against the door.

“Oh yeah, _totally,_ ” answered Amethyst with a grin.

Steven didn’t bother correcting her, too focused on Lion’s pleading eyes. “I… why did…” He felt his eyes watering. “Why did you leave?”

Lion whined sadly, nudging his massive snout into Steven’s chest. Lion couldn’t talk, per se, but… Steven knew him well enough to know he felt guilty for something.

_He **had** to leave… but why?_

Hazel draped a blanket over Steven’s back, and Lion let out a low _shnuff,_ closing his eyes contentedly as Steven stroked his claws through his long mane. He didn’t… he didn’t feel _happy,_ but he felt _content,_ and after… after…

Content was better than the alternatives.

He did end up having to move Lion’s head off of his lap once Amethyst brought his cocoa over to him. “C’mon. C’mon, Lion, I’m gonna end up spilling this on you.” Lion refused to move on Steven’s terms, instead yawning and flopping over, curled up on his back next to the couch.

Hazel had stars in her eye. “That is incredibly adorable.”

“He doesn’t actually like having his belly touched,” noted Steven after taking a hesitant sip. “It’s an adorable _trap._ ” Lion just chuffed in response.

“So, uh…” Amethyst looked around the house. “Any idea where Garnet and Pearl went? ‘cause I was _kind_ of expecting ‘em to show up.”

“They might still be looking for Steven,” said Greg. “I wasn’t sure if I should tell them he was back.”

“Pearl’s gonna be _pissed_ at you for that, but it was probably a good idea.” Amethyst sighed, sitting on the coffee table. “I get she means well, but like… I dunno, man. After what she did…” Amethyst glanced over at Steven for just a moment, then stared down at her mug.

“Hold on, what did… do you mean her trying to lock Steven up?”

Amethyst bit her lip, looking over at Steven with a pleading expression. “I… I don’t know if I-”

“She was the one who hit my eye,” he interrupted flatly, staring ahead. “When I was… when they were trying to fight back. It was her spear that struck me.”

“We were all trying really hard to not actually hurt him,” said Amethyst. “I don’t think she was even aiming at his face. But… she kinda blames herself, I think.”

Steven clung to the edges of the blanket Hazel had given him. “It wasn’t her _fault._ I… I wasn’t- I was trying to-”

He flinched for a brief moment when Greg placed a hand on his shoulder, but relaxed as soon as he processed what was going on. “You don’t have to think about it right now, okay?”

“...okay. Yeah. I-”

The door to the Temple opened, and Pearl’s song flowed through the house. “-can’t just _leave_ him there! You keep saying he’ll-” Pearl froze suddenly in her tracks, every single mote of light, unmoving.

Amethyst stood up anxiously, hands up. “It’s alright, P, I can explain-”

“ _Steven!_ ”

Pearl rushed over to him, kneeling in front of him in such a way that he was pinned into the corner of the couch. “Did they hurt you at all? I knew you should have stayed here, you weren’t safe from them, not safe at all- but you’re here now! You’re here and you’re safe and-”

“Pearl-” Steven tried to interrupt her, but he couldn’t seem to find his voice. His head felt like it was buzzing, and his surroundings were starting to blur together.

“I’ll make sure to take care of you, of course- you’re still recovering, so no leaving the house, no guests, no strenuous activity-”

He could hear his heart thumping in his chest, drowning out everything else.

He could see his reflection in Pearl’s gemstone.

There was a diamond in his eye.

* * *

The next thing Steven was aware of was lying awkwardly in his own bed, with Hazel Pearl sitting on a stool beside him, watching him.

“...huh? What…” He sat up, putting a hand to his head. “What just happened?”

“You hyperventilated and lost consciousness for about seven minutes,” replied Hazel.

“...that can _happen?_ ”

“Evidently.”

“...huh.”

“Crystal Garnet carried you up here,” she noted. “She wished to stay by your side, however, Amethyst convinced her it would be best if she joined the others in their… discussion.”

Steven nodded. “They’re talking about what to do with me.”

Hazel pursed her lips. “They are talking about how to help you. They want to help you. I want to help you.” She paused. “I would emphasize that further if I could.”

“I just…” Steven looked off towards the closed door, where Lion had laid down like the world’s largest door stopper. “I… I know that. In my head, I know that. I just can’t convince myself, I guess.”

“I…” Hazel looked hesitant, which was a bit odd to see- even when she said otherwise, there was always an air of certainty about her. “...that is something I understand very well. It was not until I met you that I understood that my A- my previous master, had no hold over me. At first, accepting your offer was simply a way of protecting myself. I was… afraid. I was afraid of hope. I was afraid of safety. Because I did not want to endure the pain of having those taken from me.”

“I’m not afraid _of_ them,” Steven argued. “I’m afraid _for_ them. You saw what I did! And- it could happen again, and I _don’t_ know how to stop it, or even if I can!”

“Mm. You are afraid of trusting yourself.”

Steven just nodded, gripping the sheets beneath him.

“Do you believe that they are not aware of what could happen to them.”

Steven looked up. “What do you mean?”

“They all saw what happened. They all know what could happen again. Yet they are still choosing to do this for you.” Hazel smiled gently. “Even if they are unsure how to, they want to help you, even knowing they could get hurt.”

Steven just stared at the door, listening to the ticking clock, the rushing waves. He could hear talking downstairs, but couldn’t make out what they were saying.

“...can we talk about something else?” he asked quietly. “I… I don’t want to think about this right now.”

“Do you have anything in mind.”

“...I know I’m not supposed to be worrying about this right now, but… I was kind of wondering how things were going on Homeworld.”

“Mm.” Hazel pondered that a moment, biting her lip. “For the moment, they are not being informed of your corruption. When you are ready and willing to return to the public eye, we will… I believe the term is ‘cross that bridge when we arrive’.”

“‘When we get to it’, but yeah, that’s about accurate.”

“At the moment, the current focus is the shifting of power between Courts. White Diamond’s hold has been reduced to Homeworld only.”

“She _agreed_ to that?”

“Mm. Only she, Blue, and Yellow know the details of how the agreement went down. But as it stands, her off-world holdings have been split between the Blue Court and Yellow Court, as decided by the local Elites.”

“We still need to work on that,” Steven mused. “There’re a lot of planets with pretty unique circumstances, and, just handing them a bunch of Elites who don’t even know the place? That’s _not_ gonna last long. People’re gonna get unhappy.”

Hazel nodded. “Agreed. Dispelling such a revolt would also require the mobilization of military units, which would not only be much too slow, as it stands, but could also come into conflict with acts concerning individual rights.”

“Hm.” Steven’s focus was shifted entirely, now that he’d been given a problem to solve. “It might be a good idea to talk with some of the Quartzes and such about having some people on hand for that kind of thing. Making sure revolts don’t happen in the first place would be a higher priority, but they are gonna happen.”

“Might I suggest a small militia force, with members being rotated regularly,” offered Hazel. “It would have to be entirely Quartzes, as training Gems for a role they would only take on for a short time seems wasteful.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea. We could get volunteers from each sector, make sure it’s people who already know the area. Bringing in Gems from Homeworld or something might make things worse if it’s a delicate situation. I don’t…” Steven trailed off.

_I’m not-_

_This isn’t right-_

_I’m not like them-_

Hazel frowned. “Is there something wrong.”

“N- no. I don’t know? I…” His shoulders felt tense. “Doing this kind of thing feels right and I don’t like that it does.”

“...do you wish to continue this discussion.”

He shook his head. “No. I- I’m sorry. I just…”

There was a diamond in his eye.

“I think I just want to be alone for a little bit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art has been added to Chapter 27 <3


	30. Paradoxes and Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stability and Self

Crystal Pearl sat on the end of the couch, her eyes constantly flickering between the warm mug she held in her hands, and the closed door that led to Steven’s room, where the Homeworld Pearl waited for him to wake up.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered once again, still rocking back and forth. “I don’t- I’m sorry…”

Garnet’s hand was a welcomed weight on her shoulder. “Pearl, you haven’t done anything wrong,” she reassured her. Amethyst groaned, throwing her head back.

“Yeah, okay, except she _did,_ though,” she argued. “What the hell were you guys _thinking?_ ”

“I- I just wanted to keep him _safe!_ ” Pearl insisted. “The Quartzes at the Medical Centre, they barely let _anyone_ see him-”

“Because he didn’t _remember_ anything!” exclaimed Amethyst. “They were scared that if he saw anyone that had been involved in the battle, it would either make him remember way too soon, or terrify him!”

“You didn’t see what he was like when I found him!” snapped Pearl.

Greg sighed. “Pearl, he had a _panic attack._ They were trying to help him through it.”

“Well obviously they were doing _something_ wrong!” Pearl’s song was desperate and erratic.

“No, they weren’t- he had a panic attack, because he had just gotten his memories of being corrupted back!”

“I- well-” Pearls eyes darted around as she tried to find her argument. “Garnet, say something!”

“...Steven would have healed on his own, in time.”

“How _much_ time?” said Amethyst. “A year? A _decade?_ ”

“...I don’t know.”

Greg sighed, rubbing his temples. “Look, Pearl… I get that you were trying to help. But isolating him is just going to make things worse.”

“...you didn’t hear what he said in the caverns,” Pearl replied bitterly, leaning into Garnet’s touch. “He- he was so _angry_ at himself- calling himself a fraud, a monster… I just-” Pearl sobbed into her hand. “I just want to keep him safe!”

“...honestly? When we were first building the house for him…” Greg smiled sadly. “I wanted to do the exact same thing. To keep him with me. To keep him away from all this magic stuff. But… I knew it wouldn’t be the right thing to do.”

“Maybe it would’ve,” muttered Amethyst. “ _We_ sure haven’t been doing a good job with him.”

“ _Amethyst-_ ”

“Don’t you _fucking_ start, Garnet!” Amethyst snapped. “We messed up! We all did! He wasn’t just angry at himself, he was angry with us- he was dealing with this shit for who knows how long, way before anyone noticed! I- _gah!_ ” She pulled at her hair, yelling in frustration. “I don’t know what I’m doing, okay!? But at least I _know_ that I don’t know. So like, maybe just admit you need help, yeah?”

“...the Socratic Paradox,” mused Garnet.

“The who now?”

“Socrates. He was a Greek philosopher, who stated, in essence, ‘neither I nor he truly know anything, but the difference between us is this: he knows nothing, but thinks that he does. I _know_ that I know nothing’.”

Amethyst rolled her eyes. “I don’t think this is the time to be quoting _philosophy,_ G.”

“No, no, she…” Pearl bit her lip. “You have a point, Amethyst. I… I shouldn’t have assumed. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me,” Amethyst said plainly. “Apologize to _Steven._ ”

Pearl looked away. “...I don’t know if I can.”

“Then don’t do it right now,” said Greg. “But I do think he’d want to see you.”

“I doubt it,” Pearl scoffed. “I’d imagine I’m the last person he’d want to see.”

Greg sighed, but didn’t bother arguing. “...I think we’re all pretty lucky that Centi lady knows about all this.”

“She is the closest thing we have to an expert on corruption,” agreed Garnet. “She’s the only person who’s taken an interest in it outside of healing and treating it.”

“She talked to us for a bit, while we were at the Medical Centre,” Amethyst explained. “Kind of told us what to do, what to expect, based on what happened with the other Gems.”

* * *

_Some time previously_

Centi had brought them to a smaller room off to the side, one that didn’t seem to be intended for more than four people. She’d brought a holo-screen with her, one that now projected the image of an x-ray photo.

“As we didn’t have any medical information for Steven in the first place, Doctor Priyanka Maheswaran insisted we do some tests, if only so that we can have a way of tracking his progress. This,” Centi told them, tapping at the screen with the back of her claw, “is a scan of Steven’s skeletal system, as well as his gemstone.”

“ _Jesus H. Christ,_ ” muttered Amethyst. “I mean- I knew his gemstone was big, there was a reason he wore a compression field ‘till he was like, eight or something, but this is just _silly._ ” The photo showed the true size of the pink Diamond gemstone, with only a part of it visible from the outside- the very end of it, the point, was embedded within Steven’s spine.

“Mm. What I was intending to point out to you, actually, was these. You see these lines along his bones here? Those are healed fractures. Despite being rather more durable than your standard Human, it’s evident that… well, over the course of his life, Steven has broken almost every single bone in his body, with each one of them being set and healed almost instantly.”

Amethyst just stared, and Greg put a hand over his mouth, looking ill. “He… he never… oh god. I didn’t- he never said anything! I-” She looked up at Centi. “M- maybe you made a mistake or something?”

“...I doubt it.”

Amethyst slumped back in her chair. “ _...fuck._ ”

Centi sighed, collapsing the image. “I’ve not just shown this to you to make you feel bad. Rather, to support the point I want to make- that Steven’s corruption was something that, in a sense, started a long time ago. Perhaps not the corruption itself, but… the factors that led to it.”

“I- I thought it was just something to do with his powers not working?” asked Greg, still dazed, breathless.

“...from what we can determine- well, from what _I_ can determine- the Corrupting Light was an extension of the Diamonds’ Auras, a sort of protective power each one of them has, allowing them to ‘overclock’ themselves for a period of time.”

“Hold on, I think I know what you’re talking about,” interrupted Amethyst. “The whole glowing pink thing, yeah?”

“In essence. However, it seems that, if that power were to be directed _inwards_ rather than being used or directed, the result is, well. Corruption of the individual. My guess is that Steven was afraid of the power his Aura could allow him to generate, and attempted to suppress it. However… according to the other Diamonds, their Aura is a defense mechanism. A response to a life-or-death situation- in organic terms, it’s an extreme version of an adrenaline rush.”

Greg frowned. “If he was in so much danger, though, why wouldn’t he want to use his powers?”

“Because he _wasn’t_ in danger, not every time,” explained Centi. “Nurse Gallica Rose Quartz, Doctor Priyanka Maheswaran, and myself- as you know, we asked as many people as we could about Steven’s past experiences, if there was anything that might have caused this. What we were told, along with the extensive amount of injuries he’s obviously had… he’s spent so much of his life in constant life-or-death situations, that his body is responding to everyday issues as if he were about to die.”

“And… that’s… that’s what caused all this?”

“As far as we can tell? Yes.”

* * *

“...you meant it, when you said we did this to him.”

“Yeah,” Amethyst muttered. “Like I said- we… we fucked up. We fucked up big time.”

“And what is it you intend to do about it.”

Garnet was the only one of them not to jump when Hazel made her presence known. She was standing at the bottom of the stairs, hands clasped behind her back. Crystal Pearl stared at her, curious and suspicious. “You’re… you’re the Pearl that was with him on Homeworld.”

Hazel nodded. “I believe he fled to Homeworld in the first place because he wished to be needed. He felt he was not needed on Earth anymore, now that things were peaceful.”

“Just because he doesn’t _need_ to be here doesn’t mean we don’t _want_ him here,” Pearl argued.

“Query: have you told him that.”

“I- no, I didn’t think I needed to.”

“Mm.” Hazel sat down on the end of the couch next to Greg. “I only heard the last few minutes of your discussion. I would like it if you could continue.”

“Oh! Yeah, so, uh… we just kinda sat there for a while, processing, y’know?” asked Amethyst rhetorically. “She talked more about, like, what we can do now after that.”

* * *

“There are some areas where my information may be inaccurate,” admitted Centi. “Whether those inaccuracies are because he’s _organic,_ because he’s a _fusion,_ or because he’s a _Diamond,_ I simply don’t know. There were only a handful of permafusions affected by the Corrupting Light, not nearly enough for an accurate sample group.”

“ _Anything_ you can tell us would help,” said Greg. “I… I just wanna make sure he’s okay.”

Centi nodded. “The primary difference we’ve noticed is his lack of corruption scars- not injuries, but rather, physical ‘defects’ left over from one’s corrupted form,” she explained, gesturing to her own insect-like beak. “However, his powers seem to be almost completely exhausted, including his ability to heal. It is _possible_ that once his powers return, they will bring the corruption scars with them. What they will look like is completely unknown, however, it’s not something to worry about. Corruption scars can be… _inconvenient_ at times, yes, but they shouldn’t be at all _painful._ ”

“I mean… when we first saw him changing, it was…” Amethyst made a face. “It was pretty obvious the kid was in a _lot_ of pain.”

“His form was unstable. Now that his mind has had time to stabilize things, any changes that occur should be painless- though, admittedly, that isn’t something I can guarantee entirely.” Centi hummed. “There are a few other things that tend to occur, however, I would prefer not to worry you, as there’s every chance they won’t happen. However, I will need you to keep me updated consistently.”

“I’ll make sure of it,” agreed Greg.

“Now, as for his recovery…” Centi trailed off, sighing. “Honestly, it varies for each individual, but there are certain things that seem to help quite a bit. And I should note- the biggest ones are stability, and socialization. The mind of a fully corrupted Gem is, in almost every way, the mind of an animal. You _need_ to keep him physically and mentally grounded in reality, in his own Self. A routine is often helpful, a way of giving them a sort of rhythm to the day.”

“Should I be writing this all down?”

“If you like,” replied Centi. She paused to let Greg dig through his pockets, lending him a pen to use once he found he didn't have one. “Interacting with large groups of people is generally inadvisable, but giving him some more personal interaction will very likely help. Talking with him, playing games, watching movies, or even just sitting with him- anything helps. Now, I’m not saying to not allow him any privacy, but rather, make sure that he’s always aware that there’s at least _someone_ watching out for him.”

“What if we like, took turns?” asked Amethyst. “Like, I’ll hang out with him for a day, then Pearl hangs out with him the day after that, then Greg, and so on- ‘cause like, having us all in the house all the time might be a bit much, but that way he’d still have someone around, yeah?”

“I can move my van over to the beach,” offered Greg. “I can take as much time off as I need, really, there’s no reason for me not to be nearby.”

“I think both of those are excellent ideas,” chirped Centi.

* * *

“All the rest of what we talked about was just details and logistics,” explained Greg. “I wrote it all down if you guys are interested, as well as how to contact her in case something happens- I’ll put her number up on the fridge in a bit.”

“I think Amethyst’s idea was a good one,” agreed Garnet.

Pearl nodded. “We can set up a weekly rotation, talk with Steven about a schedule…”

“Let’s wait on the schedule for now, yeah?” suggested Amethyst. “He  
still seems _pretty_ out of it. But I do think he shouldn’t be alone too much, not after… well…”

“Gallica told us he was hurting himself,” explained Greg softly. “Or, Castor and Pollux were.”

“...he’s still unstable,” Garnet mused. “I’m surprised he’s stayed together as long as he has.”

Hazel stood up, barely making a sound as she did. “I’m going to check on him,” she informed them. “He didn’t seem unstable when I left, mind you- he simply needed some time to think.”

Greg nodded. “What were you guys talking about?”

“...I believe that is his place to discuss, not mine. I do not want to inform you of things he may need to tell you himself.”

“...you’d tell us if he was gonna hurt himself again, right?” asked Amethyst.

“...I promise.”

* * *

Hazel’d had to push Lion out of the way of the door as best she could in order to get either into or out of Steven’s room. Lion had cooperated eventually, which Hazel was very thankful for, as she was certain that she wouldn’t have been able to move the beast on her own.

When she had neared the door, she had heard them talking to each other- his two ‘halves’, that is, their songs often overlapping in such a way that you wouldn’t have been able to tell they were speaking through the same mouth, unless you already knew. Once she knocked on the door, however, the quieted, and Steven told her she could come back in.

“I’m sorry about that…” he muttered, looking away from her. “I- I needed to… figure some things out,” he explained, gesturing vaguely at his own head. “I didn’t really… I’m sorry.”

“You have done nothing wrong. You recognized a need for privacy and requested it.”

“Yeah, but-”

“Don’t.” Hazel held her hand up to him to signal him to stop. She was grateful that her voice couldn’t waver- _a Pearl standing up to a Diamond, I’m not built for this, it’s not right_ \- as she had no intention of giving him someone else he needed to ‘fix’. “It gave me an opportunity to talk with the others, besides. I will leave the contents of that discussion to them, though.”

Steven nodded, still not looking at her. “I just… I dunno. I feel like I’m just wasting everyone’s time, I guess.”

“They are choosing-”

“Choosing to help me, I know. I’m sorry.”

Hazel looked away as well, uncertain. She didn’t know what to say, or what the right thing to do was. She didn’t want to make things any worse for him. “...I recognize that I cannot make you believe what I am saying, and I do not fault you for that lack of belief. But I would like to know that, even though I have known you for a relatively short period of time, I am… I’m happy to have known you.”

“...thank you.” Steven’s song was exhausted, but grateful, honest, bare. There were no added layers or melodies, just a few short notes, the conveyance of a single meaning. It was all he needed, really. Just a few short notes.

“I will refrain from discussing Homeworld further for the time being, but I do intend to stay with you. I was informed of your…” Hazel pursed her lips, trying to find the right words.

“They told you I was hurting myself.”

“...yes.”

Steven sighed through his nose. “You’re here to babysit me, then.”

“I am here because I don’t wish to see you hurt.”

“Mm.”

“...you needn’t believe me if you don’t wish to. But I am going to stay here.”

“...I think I’m just gonna go back to sleep.”

“Then sleep well, my Di-”

“ _Don’t call me that._ ”

“...okay.”

“...”

“...sleep well, Steven.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't update previously on Thursday, life's been pretty busy lately, and my inspiration has been elsewhere. I should be able to get back on track though, so don't worry just yet~


	31. Together Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **I'm fine.**

Hazel was gone when Castor woke up, the rays of the early-morning sun drilling their way into his retina. He made a significant attempt to ignore it, burying himself under his covers, but the damage was done. He was awake, and there was nothing he could do about it.

...mind you, that didn’t mean he actually had to get out of bed.

Castor sighed, and let his mind wander.

Pollux wasn’t there just then. Castor could still feel him, somewhere, but he was quiet, dormant. That was fine with him. The less they had to put up with each other as two separate entities, the better.

...they’d known the other really truly existed for, what, a few months now? If that? And the only reason they were able to stay fused was because they had no idea how to exist otherwise. Castor didn’t even know if his thoughts were his own, really. Pollux had been right- each of them was just half of a person, not really people in their own right. The fact that they had names was only for the sake of convenience.

They should never have been split.

Everything that had gone wrong, it’d happened after they’d been forced to unfuse. After… after…

~~_Her hands and nails were ice cold, and not in the way most Gems were- the only heat a Gem produced was from their gemstone, yes, but even then, they were usually just as warm or cold as the air around them. But even though White shone like a sun, her skin was cold as the void._ ~~

~~_Black claws pushed into his body, breaking the skin that covered the edge of his gemstone, and-_~~

~~_They just kept going, pushing further, further, screeching against the surface like nails on porcelain, and-_~~

~~_Something in him broke, like a rubber band snapping, and-_~~

~~_“Please, I- I need it-”_~~

“Oookay then, _that’s_ not happening,” decided Castor, physically pushing himself out of his (their?) bed. Apparently, being left alone with his thoughts wasn’t actually that great. Who’d’ve thought?

His footsteps were still unsteady, like he was having to re-learn how to walk, but it was getting easier. He still had to go slowly, to use the walls and furniture for extra balance, but he no longer felt like he might fall over at the slightest provocation. He made it to the closet, eventually, and…

Hmm.

They- he?- _Steven_ had a surprising amount of variety when it came to the clothes he actually owned, even if he only wore the one outfit. But, he didn’t just wear it because it was comfortable (though that was certainly a factor). It was… it was a part of his identity, in a way. He’d wear something a bit different to change things up, or to look nice, but there were certain things that always stayed. There was always a star, or stars, there was always at least something pink, always something in his hair. The flip-flops were non-negotiable of course, as well as-

As well as-

“ _We lost the fucking earring,_ ” groaned Castor, his face in his hands. “No, no- we can- we can look for it some other time. We’ll find it, it’s fine, it’s not a big deal, it’s just an earring. I am not going to make this into a big deal.”

It was fine. Steven had other earrings, so Castor could just wear one of those. Maybe the little blue heart ones- those had been a gift from someone, right? Either Crystal Lapis or someone else from the Little Homeworld. Probably.

A pair of earrings later, plus a pink and grey hoodie, some blue sweatpants, a pair of fluffy woolen socks, and a purple pansy hair clip, Castor looked… well, he still looked like Steven, and he knew that wasn’t exactly something he could change. But he also looked like himself- even if he wasn’t entirely sure who that was just yet.

This was, of course, the point at which he realized that not only was it not actually early morning, but almost noon, as well as the fact that Lion had completely and utterly fucked off. Neither of those facts were surprising, but Castor was mainly just annoyed that he hadn’t noticed either of them.

_-Knock-knock-knock-_

“Hey, dude, uh… you awake yet?” Castor could hear Amethyst’s hesitant song from on the other side of the door, the usual layer of discordant drums and percussion muted to just the occasional off-beat. “I don’t wanna start making food ‘till you’re actually up, ‘cuz this stuff tastes horrible reheated, or at least that’s what Greg told me.”

“...I’m not really hungry,” replied Castor, just as awkwardly.

“Oh. Uh… well, you should probably eat a bit of something, yeah? I can just eat whatever you don’t. We’re making bacon and eggs, and waffles! Well, Greg’s making it and I’m taking notes. I’m not allowed to touch the kitchen utensils after, uh… the last attempt.” She paused briefly. “Also, on a completely unrelated note, Peri’s coming by later to say hi and also to fix our toaster which broke under very mysterious circumstances.”

Castor couldn’t help but laugh. “ _Very_ mysterious, I’m sure.”

“Oh, totally.” Another pause. “Can, uh… can I come in a sec? Or do you need some time before you come downstairs?”

Castor froze for a moment. _But I’m not- she can’t- she can’t- I don’t want- I can’t- I-_

_**No** _

_We’re fine_

_**I’m** fine_

_Don’t make her feel worse_

“Ste- er, Castor? You alright in there?”

Castor focused, breathing deeply, before he replied. “I- um… I’ll be down in a second.”

“Sweet.”

* * *

Castor tried not to draw attention to himself as he moved slowly down the stairs, keeping one hand close to the wall to steady himself. There was a knot of anxiety twisting and pulling at his chest, at his heart, yanking at his mind with each motion of his pulse.

He was fine. This was fine. This was normal.

“So, you want to make sure the griddle is already pretty hot before you put the bacon on, yeah? You want it to start sizzling soon as you put it down.” Greg was standing over a black griddle that Castor vaguely remembered seeing in the van at some point, wearing a plain grey apron that looked to be brand-new, save for the various splatters that were already dotting it.

Amethyst was sitting on the other side of the kitchen island, watching him intently, and- wait, had she been serious about her taking notes? She had a pen and a notebook out, and was idly chewing on a leftover piece of something or other, with her hair pulled up into an incredibly messy bun. “And the grease is _not_ edible for Humans.”

“Yeah, the leftover grease is definitely not food.” Greg made a disgusted face before noticing Castor, who was already standing by the couch. “Hey, Shtu-ball! Good to see you up!” Castor didn’t bother to correct him, but Amethyst did, whispering to him as discreetly as she could. “Oh, uh, heh, guess I’ll have to work on a proper nickname for you, huh?”

“It’s fine,” muttered Castor, keeping his hands in his front pockets. “Y- you guys don’t really have to do this for u- for me. I can make my own food.”

“You shouldn’t have to, though,” Amethyst argued. “Or like, not all the time, yeah? I’m not saying you shouldn’t do that ever, but it’s just, y’know, it’s more fun this way.”

“It’s fun when you don’t pour the waffle batter straight into the toaster,” grumbled Greg.

“That’s fair.”

“There’s already some eggs ready, so you can start on those whenever you want.” Greg pointed to a plate that had been set aside with a decent portion of scrambled eggs on them. Castor hummed, then stepped forwards, stumbling slightly before regaining his balance once he took his hands back out of his pockets.

“Uh, you sure you’re alright walking on your own?” asked Amethyst with visible concern.

“Yeah, I- I just need to take it a bit slow, that’s all.” Castor kept his gaze downwards, taking each step carefully. He refused to let himself mess up in front of them, make them worry. If he faltered now, it’d be ages before they let him try and stand on his own two feet again, not without help.

Amethyst soon provided him a plate and fork to use, which he was very thankful for- one less thing he’d have to walk to get to. Castor ate his food in relative silence, watching as Greg explained the rest of the steps to Amethyst, eventually moving on to the second attempt at waffles. Castor told them that bacon ‘just didn’t sound that good right now’, not wanting to make them feel bad for forgetting his efforts to stick with a vegetarian diet.

He did what he could to help them clean up, but Greg and Amethyst seemed to have it covered, with Amethyst licking each item clean of food bits and grease, and Greg washing them off.

“So, anyways, we’ve set up a… sort-of-a-plan?” said Amethyst casually. “So like, Centi told us it’s gonna be a good idea to like, help you get back on track n’ stuff, kinda… help you figure stuff out, I guess. Make sure you don’t, uh…”

“Hurt myself?” offered Castor flatly. “Turn into a giant monster and try to kill everyone again? That sort of thing?” He didn’t have to look up to hear Greg set down one of the plates just a bit too hard, to know the way Amethyst was looking away from him, and a wave of guilt almost drowned him. “I- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t- I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” stated Amethyst. “It kinda feels like you’re the only one who’s willing to say it outright, yeah? Like… like everyone else is kind of, beating around the bush. I’m still freaked out about what happened, but, legit? I’m more freaked out about what happened to you.”

“...why?”

“Dude, dealing with a corrupted Gem is like, a normal Tuesday. But like… I guess, we never really thought about what it was _like._ ”

“...scary.”

“Huh?”

“It was really scary,” said Castor quietly. “I couldn’t… I couldn’t think, or… or remember anything. I wasn’t even angry anymore, just… confused. Wondering why people were attacking me.”

Amethyst’s eyes were wide and sympathetic. “Castor…”

He shook his head. “No, no, it’s… I’m sorry. I don’t want to think about it right now. Please.”

“...yeah. Alright.” Amethyst hopped off her seat, stretching a bit. “Hey, y’know what’d be great to get your mind off all that sad shit?”

“ _Amethyst!_ ”

“Dude, chill, he’s like, seventeen, it’s not like he’s never heard someone swear.”

Greg sighed. “Eh, that’s… probably a good point. But if he starts swearing like a sailor I’m gonna know who to blame.”

Amethyst just shrugged. “Anyways, you remember that old _Army of War_ game? The one we played together for like, ages?” She grinned, retrieving a disc from her gemstone. “Guess who pre-ordered a copy of the remake!”

“Mm… not you, because you know even less about how money works than we do?”

“Yeah, you totally got me there, Peri did most of the actual stuff. Consider it a joint gift!” Amethyst bounded over to the stairs, holding the game like it was a precious treasure. “C’mon! Let’s make today something _fun_ , yeah?”

Castor forced as sincere a smile as he could- he smiled like Steven did. “Yeah!”

He forced the knot of anxiety deeper and deeper until it brushed against his gemstone.


	32. O brave new world, That has such people in't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doesn't everyone want to be happy?

Castor was very, very, out of it.

Amethyst had done her best to set up the television and game console, with Castor’s help, but it had been a while since either of them had even touched the thing. When they did manage to get it running, the YBox they were using needed about a dozen different updates. So, they went with movies instead.

Castor did try to pay attention, he really did. He didn’t want Amethyst to think that all her work had been in vain, so he put on a content smile, kept his body language open and relaxed, said all the right things, went through all the right motions.

And then he started wandering.

Not physically, mind you. But rather… it was like everything was blurry, out of focus. And there was something…

It was like there was someone else in his head with him and Pollux, a song he didn’t recognize. A voice that didn’t quite belong to them. But the words were lost, jumbled, distorted. And he felt… he felt like crying, even though he didn’t know why.

And then something would happen on the screen, or Amethyst would laugh or point something out to him, and he’d snap back into reality like nothing had ever drawn him away from it.

Then he’d drift, and drift, and drift, until he was pulled back once again, and the cycle would repeat.

Because of all that, he didn’t even realize it when Amethyst left the room, not until the dramatic music onscreen alerted him again, and he realized she was gone, and-

_she left me she left me she left me she left me_

“A- Amethyst?” Castor hated how weak he sounded, hated the quavering of his voice (and no matter how different his song was, it wasn’t _his_ ). “Amethyst?” 

There was no reply, but there was noise coming from downstairs. Castor got up and paused the movie, taking a brief second to appreciate the rather awkward frame it landed on, before cautiously opening the door and padding his way down the stairs.

“ -dunno, Peri. Like, I’m just worried, y’know?” Amethyst’s song curled itself through the air, ending in a frustrated sigh. “And I’m not gonna push him to talk about it- god knows I’d hate it if someone did that with _me_ \- but I don’t know what else to _do!_ Steven’s bottling it up, Pollux says barely more than a sentence or two to anyone but himself, and Cassie’s just-”

“Cassie?”

“Y’know, Castor- dude, I went over all of this-”

“I’m sorry. Keep going.” It sounded like Peridot, just more… well, melancholy. 

“I just mean, like, I _know_ he’s not okay, and I _get_ that! I’m not gonna be mad at him for not being okay! I just… I just wish he didn’t feel like he has to pretend for _my_ sake.”

...oh.

Castor ran back up the steps and closed the door behind him just a bit too hard- which, right now, just meant that it slammed into the doorframe, rather than turning the thing into splinters. 

“I’m fine,” he whispered to himself, leaning against the door, his nails scratching through the wood. “I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine, I’m just fine, everything is okay. I’m healed now, there’s- there’s no reason for me to be freaking out, I- I’m just overreacting. I’m fine. I’m fine.” He shook his head, pushing away the static. 

“...Cass?”

“I- Amethyst! I- I didn’t-”

“How much of that did you overhear?” Her voice was concerned rather than critical, and in a way, that was far worse.

Castor forced a laugh. “Over- overhear? No, no, I- I just shut the door a bit hard, that’s all! E- everything’s fine!”

Amethyst sighed. “I’m not gonna force you to talk about it, yeah? But like… it’s okay to not be okay. Or, like- I’m not gonna try and cheer you up if you don’t want me to. I’m gonna hang out with you, but I don’t want you to pretend to be happy!”

“I _am_ happy!” Castor insisted, but he knew just how fake it sounded. 

“No, you’re not!”

“I’m _fine,_ Amethyst!”

“Castor, you don’t have to be okay!”

“YES, WE DO!” exclaimed Castor, digging his nails further into the door. “Because if we fall apart, so does everyone else!” He- he hadn’t meant to say that, but once it started, it wasn’t going to stop. “We’re always okay, and happy, and nice, even if we don’t want to be, because everyone’s relying on us!”

“...Castor-”

“Just about _everyone_ we know has either tried to kill us at some point, or led us to our near-deaths,” continued Castor- he wanted to stop, he needed to stop, but, it felt _good_. “Lapis almost drowned us, but she’s _fine_ now, because she’s our friend! Because we’re _happy_ and _nice_ and _we’re okay!_ Peridot kidnapped us, Jasper beat the shit out of us, Bismuth nearly _shattered_ us, Spinel almost dropped me off the injector, and-” He laughed bitterly. “Let’s not even _start_ on the Diamonds! But it’s _fine!_ Everything _has_ to be fine!”

“...do you really think I’m going to hurt you just because you’re feeling bad?”

He’d forgotten Peridot was even there. “I- I didn’t mean that, I…”

“I have Amethyst and Lapis now, and Zircon, and Bismuth, and Forsterite- I always love hanging out with you, and I like being your friend, even if you’re just _one_ of Steven’s components-”

“Peri, dude, _tact-_ ”

“ _I’m trying my best!_ ” hissed Peridot, before continuing to address Castor. “I want you to be okay, and knowing you felt bad made me feel bad-”

“ _Peridot-_ ”

“Because you’re my friend and I want you to be okay, because I care about you! But I won’t be sad even if you’re not okay right now because I know you have friends who care about you just like I have Lapis and Amethyst and- and- AND YOU’RE A REALLY GREAT PERSON WHO DESERVES TO TAKE A BREAK FROM BEING HAPPY IF YOU WANT TO!”

Castor’s face felt warm and puffy as he sniffled and wiped away his tears. “I… I just… I’ve already let you guys down so much, I- I don’t…”

“You haven’t, though, really,” insisted Amethyst. “Cass, not _once_ have I been mad at you, or at Steven, or Pollux, for _any_ of this shit.”

“...you haven’t?”

“No, dude! I just wanna try and help, y’know? And, yeah, I’m gonna try and cheer you up every now and then, but if it doesn’t work, if you just wanna be sad for a bit, that’s okay! But like… I can’t do anything if you don’t let me.”

“I, um…” Castor rubbed his arm awkwardly. “There- there is one thing you could do?”

“Yeah?”

“I, uh… I _really_ need some tissues.”

Amethyst just cackled. “That’s probably a good idea. You alright if I come in once I grab ‘em?”

“Yeah.”

Castor heard her bound back downstairs, and he sighed, moving away from the door, sitting down on his bed. It didn’t take long for him to clean up once Amethyst got back bearing a full box of tissues plus an ice pack.

“It’ll help make your face feel less gross,” she explained to him. 

“Thanks. It does feel really nice, actually.”

“Does it feel really ice, though?”

Castor just stared at her in disappointment. 

“Yeah, okay, I probably deserve that,” she agreed, blowing a raspberry. “Anyways, Peri told me she’s gonna have to basically rebuild the toaster from scratch, so, good news and bad news: Good news is that we’re gonna have the most hi-tech toaster ever invented. Bad news is that it’s being invented by Peridot.”

Castor cracked a smile. “So, there’s about a fifty-fifty chance it’ll have a self-destruct button, then.”

“More like seventy five - twenty five,” said Amethyst. “You, uh… wanna see if the game thingy finished updating?”

“...I don’t actually like that kind of game that much,” he admitted. “Like, fighting and strategy kind of stuff. I- I know Steven does, but, um…”

“No probs. Since we already got the thing running, any other games you like?”

“I don’t actually know? I just know that that one just, really didn’t sound fun.”

Amethyst grinned. “How ‘bout we try a bunch of ‘em out? Any of them I’m no good at we can just get Peri to play, once she finishes salvaging the toaster.”

Castor agreed, and they started to set things up, eventually pleading for Peridot to save them from the cable-filled hell they’d created. It turned out that Peri liked video games just as much as Steven did, so it didn’t take long for her to join in.

It was already late, so there wasn’t a ton of time for them to swap from game to game, but Peri told them that she had a massive collection of games and consoles down in her ‘Secret Lair’ (which really wasn’t that secret). It was in Little Homeworld, but near the outskirts of it, and finding a way to sneak in without drawing attention wouldn’t be that hard with both Amethyst and Peridot.

Once Peridot had headed back out, Castor told Amethyst he was going to try and get some more sleep, not thinking much of it. About ten minutes later, after he’d gotten his pyjamas and such on, he found her sitting on the edge of his bed as a soft purple cat with wide eyes.

She’d done this often when he was younger, when he first started living with the Gems. She’d stay with him until he fell asleep, the rhythm of her purring and the familiar sound of her gemstone lulling him to sleep like a trance.

“I’m not a little kid anymore, you know,” he argued half-heartedly.

“Yeah? And?”

Castor laughed softly. “Nah, that’s all I’ve got.” He smiled as he closed his eye. “Goodnight, Amethyst.”

“‘night, Cassie.”

(He woke up to a nightmare that night, panicked, lost, confused.)

(Amethyst hopped back up onto his bed without a word, letting him pet her until he drifted into a dreamless sleep.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm going to be changing my update schedule from every Monday and Thursday to just Mondays. My depression has been hitting me really hard, and, right now, writing this has become more of a chore than something enjoyable, and I don't want that to be the case. However, I'm always keeping an ear out for anything on the Discord server, so, if you've got any questions, feel free to go ahead and ask~  
> (Also, if you haven't already, go read the "Professionals" series by Demyx (ScalaSpiral) )  
> (The mention of Peri being friends with Blue Zircon, as well as her having a 'Secret' Lair, are both inspired by that)  
> 


	33. It's Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connie used to tell us that being in our house was a bit like living in a musical.  
> ...we don't sing nearly as much as we used to.

Hollow.

He felt hollow.

Like someone had taken one of those big spoons you use for gutting pumpkins and just, carved all the feeling out of him.

He wasn’t even sure who he was at the moment.

He just knew he felt tired.

He felt hollow.

Hollow.

* * *

They hadn’t been able to be Together for some time now.

They’d tried, a few times, but they hadn’t… he hadn’t…

Steven had existed as a singular, coherent being, for little more than a minute, before he couldn’t hold himself together anymore.

They were lucky they couldn’t physically unfuse.

Well. Lucky by a certain definition.

Connie was coming over today, and, well…

“We _need_ to stay Together,” muttered Castor, sitting on the porch outside their room. “Even if it’s just for today. We can’t just dump all of our problems on her- she shouldn’t have to deal with that.”

“I imagine you’d end up fighting me anyways if I tried to interact with her,” noted Pollux, scratching their claws almost idly against their ankle, until their other arm snatched it back.

“We can’t worry them.”

“...I know.”

“We can’t worry _Connie-_ ”

“I said, _I know._ ”

“Then act like it,” Castor hissed, digging their claws into the wood beneath them. “Sure, maybe we don’t need to seem _perfect,_ but you saw how Gallica reacted to what you did, back in the Centre.”

“...I was angry. I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Castor sighed. “I know. I just… I…” He closed their eye, focusing on his thoughts, trying to communicate.

Their eye snapped back open as Pollux understood. “You’re afraid I’m going to hurt her in some way. Either emotionally or physically.”

“Yes.”

“...I won’t. I promise.”

“You shouldn’t promise things that aren’t in your control.”

“I will not let her be hurt,” stated Pollux adamantly.

“...okay.” Castor shifted uncomfortably. “So, um… how do… how do we do this, then?”

“I don’t know. Every other time it simply… happened.”

“Do we just, kind of…?”

They closed their eye as they put their hands around their shoulders, simply hoping, simply _being,_ and-

and-

Steven ‘awoke’ to the realization that he was already crying, heavy tears streaming down his face, soaking his bandage.

He stood up unsteadily, wobbling his way back into his room. “This is- this is fine,” he told himself. “This is fine. I just have to stay Together for the rest of the day. It’s already- oh.” It wasn’t even five in the morning. “Probably should’ve done that later in the day.”

But he was here! He was here and, and he… he didn’t…

He didn’t really want to be here.

He didn’t really want to _be_.

* * *

Steven kept himself busy as best he could, never letting his mind wander. If he did that, he would start remembering things, and thinking about things, and he would get angry at himself, and they would get angry at themselves _and_ each other, and they wouldn’t be able to hold on, and he wouldn’t be there anymore.

So he just needed to keep himself busy.

He made himself an early breakfast, and talked with Pearl a bit- that was nice! She was able to recognize his song, too, which was good to know. As long as he was the one starting the conversation, or at least said something before the other person said his name, he wouldn’t have to correct them!

(She seemed almost _concerned_ that he was Whole again though, but he didn’t understand why.)

(Wasn’t this good? Did she… did she not want him here?)

(No, no, we can’t think about that, we need to stay Together-)

The house was empty again once Pearl had left- Greg was still asleep, Amethyst was helping out at Little Homeworld, and who knew where Garnet was? Steven was sure it was somewhere important though.

That was fine though! He was used to being on his own, he’d spent most of his time since he was at least ten or eleven years old fending for himself. Besides, Connie would be here in a few hours, so he just had to occupy his time until then.

That shouldn’t be hard! Right?

...right?

* * *

Steven felt like his head was filled with television static. Or maybe bees. Lots and lots of very distracting bees.

He couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few minutes, even stuff he knew he used to enjoy. He used to spend ages playing games by himself, waiting for the Gems to come home, and now… just holding the controller felt wrong.

 _Everything_ felt wrong, really, and not just in the emotional sense. A while ago he’d’ve been willing to blame it on how long he spent in bed, but now? Now that he’d spent enough time moving, walking around?

Some part of his mind still couldn’t accept that his body no longer looked like a monster.

Even his powers were completely useless- no healing, no floating, no shields, nothing.

(It was like getting hit with the Rejuvenator all over again)

(But it wasn’t, though, was it? Because he hadn’t been there for that. He hadn’t been Whole for that.)

(But that didn’t mean he couldn’t remember the terror and exhaustion and the constant feeling of _I have to keep going, no matter how much it hurts_ )

(It was fine now, though, wasn’t it? Spinel had the Diamonds to spend time with, and the Earth was healed, and everyone was safe now!)

( _So why does it still hurt?_ )

Steven clenched his jaw and shut his eye, almost savoring the feeling of the controller in his hands being crushed into plastic and wires as his claws extended and wrenched their way through it, and-

It felt _good._

And then he opened his eye and saw the completely ruined object he held in his hands, barely more than scrap anymore. Just because it ‘felt good’ to destroy it. And wasn’t that the crux of the problem, right there?

He’d _enjoyed_ fighting Jasper, loved every second of it, up until he had to deal with the consequences of it, and what did he do? He ran away and bubbled her.

Seeing White dissipate into nothing was a shock, but a good one, because he knew that she was no longer a danger to him- he was stronger than her, he was _safe!_

And then the consequences caught up to him, and he ran away.

He lashed out at Hazel, and he ran away.

He hurt Connie, and he ran away.

...Steven had spent so, so long proving he wasn’t Pink Diamond, and here he was, acting just like her.

He was a monster, just like his mother before him.

* * *

He still couldn’t see the Cloud Room as belonging to him, not really, but he didn’t see it as being _hers_ anymore, or at least, not in the way he had. It wasn’t his, it simply… was. It was just a room. A room that could take orders.

(And didn’t _that_ feel good, too? Being in charge, being in command, being a _Diamond-_ )

“Room?” he asked, hesitant, but clear. “I want to fight someone- but, not, not like an actual fight. Just, like, some training dummies or something. I- I don’t actually want to hurt anyone. Oh! And, uh, leave the door open, okay? In case I’m still in here when Connie arrives.”

There was a faint hum, a sound Steven had learned was a sign the Room was processing his request. With a simple ‘pomf’ sound, he found his hands and feet wrapped in the same sort of bandages Connie used when training, and in front of him, a nearly-featureless Quartz appeared, in the same tones as the Holo-Pearls.

He flexed his hands a moment, testing the cloth around them. “Huh. That actually worked.”

Breathe in, breathe out. He readied his stance. One foot back, one foot forwards. One hand high, one hand low. Guard up, elbows down. Breathe in, breathe out.

His first swing was clumsy, but the Holo-Quartz didn’t strike back, just stayed in place, with a slight sway, a sort of idle animation. Breathe in, breathe out.

Another swing, much more balanced this time. He stood on the balls of his feet- it seemed more comfortable, especially when he was walking- and kept his focus on his surroundings, on his opponent.

After another few proper hits, the Holo-Quartz fought back, though cautiously. That was okay- he _really_ wasn’t in the mood for a proper battle, just, something to get his mind off of things. Besides, wasn’t it a good idea to get himself moving again?

(You never know when the next big thing will happen.)

(Steven could have to fight for his life without any warning within the next few hours, he couldn’t afford to not be ready at all times.)

(There was a whole Empire just waiting to sink their claws into his form. He didn’t have the luxury of ‘taking some time off’.)

He barely managed to dodge the Holo-Quartz’s next swing. He was too distracted again.

Breathe in, breathe out.

It swung again, but he moved with practiced ease, summoning his- oh. Right. No shield. Fine, fine, he can work with that. He held back for a moment, then rushed the Holo-Quartz, sliding out of the way as it overextended its punch, giving him plenty of room to give it a proper kick in the lower back.

It went down with ease, poofing into a cloud of, well, clouds. Pink and white swirling clouds, which smelled like roses. The clouds formed into words. DO YOU WISH TO CONTINUE?

Steven shook his head. “No, not right now. I should head back into the house- the _real_ house, I mean.” The words swirled into an arrow, pointing him back to the door. “Thank you,” he said with a wave, not minding that the room was hardly intelligent enough to understand the concept of gratitude.

He waved the wisps of cloud that evaporated from his hands, and checked the clock- not his phone, that had been dead for a while now, ever since… ever since he ran away to Homeworld…

_No, no, no, not right now, not right now, we can’t think about this, we can’t worry Connie-_

But she deserves to know, she said she would help us-

She has enough things to deal with!

“Shut up,” growled Steven, holding his head in his hands. “Shut up shut up _shut up!_ ”

“I’m not just going to let us- _no!_ ” He slammed his hands over his mouth, collapsing against the wall. “Connie will be here soon, we can’t let her see- but we shouldn’t lie to her- I won’t let you hurt her again! We shouldn’t- _SHUT UP!_ ”

Steven focused on his breathing, waited until the voices dimmed, replaced by the static. “We- we can- we can talk to her about it later.” There was no response. “Is- is that not okay?”

His own mind felt empty.

He felt hollow.

What was it that Garnet had shown Stevonnie? That whole meditation thing, she’d been able to communicate with her components. Steven knew that Castor and Pollux had always been there, had always been active in his mind, even if he wasn’t aware of it, but now…

Breathe in, breathe out.

He closed his eye and tried to focus, tried to remember… there had been a song… something about…

“ _Here comes a thought, that might alarm you_  
 _What someone said, and how it harmed you_  
 _Things that you did, that failed to be charming_  
 _Things that you said, are suddenly swarming…_ ”

...nothing.

There was nothing there.

Just static.

“...Steven?”

Steven gasped, eye staring wide, making Connie flinch back for a split second. She was knelt in front of him, concerned.

“What’s going on?”

“...I can’t hear them,” he whispered. She already was here, she already saw him. There wasn’t any reason to hide, not from her. Not anymore. (They already knew he was a monster.) “I- I can’t hear them, a- and, I wanted to be here, I wanted to be _me,_ I wanted to see you, but I-” His sobs turned to whimpers. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-”

“Don’t be,” assured Connie, wiping his tears away, without hesitation. “I want to help you, remember?” Steven nodded weakly.

“I just… I wanted to be okay for you. I, I mean- I didn’t just want to be _useless_ all day, I wanted to spend time with you, and… and now I’m just a mess.” He laughed humorlessly. “I didn’t even know they were _there_ before, and the moment they’re not I’m a _wreck._ ”

“Steven-”

“The last thing I said was- I was _yelling_ at them to shut up, and, and the moment they do, I break down. It’s like- I just wanted to be able to be okay for _just one day,_ and we can’t even do that! We couldn’t run the Little Homeschool, we couldn’t deal with Homeworld, we couldn’t stand up to White, we couldn’t stop ourselves from turning into a _giant, freaking, monster!_ And _now,_ now we can’t even hold ourselves Together!” His face burnt with pink tears, and with each failure he listed, the further he pushed his claws into the palms of his hands. “It’s just… we don’t know what we’re even _doing_ anymore… and now we’re just dumping all this on you, because…” He sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m sorry.”

“...your eyes changed,” said Connie quietly. “Well, _eye,_ rather.”

“...huh?”

“When you split, you- here, hold on.” She dug her phone out from her pocket and held it up to him, using the camera like a mirror. “Before you split, it was sort of, dark purple, I think? But it’s pink now.”

The diamond shape was unmistakable now.

“...oh.”

“Do you- is something wrong with that?”

“...no. I don’t think so.” Pollux tore himself away from his reflection, curled up against the wall. “I don’t… _Castor_ doesn’t like anything that reminds him that… that we are a Diamond.”

“And you?”

“...I’m not sure. I don’t hate it, though. And, well…” He smiled. “I suppose we do look good in pink.”

Connie laughed. “Always a silver lining, huh?”

Pollux hummed in agreement, falling back on a set of lyrics he was familiar with.

“I've had just about enough  
Of quote, "diamonds in the rough"  
Because my backbone is paper thin  
Get me out of this cavern  
Or I'll cave in 

“If the bombs go off  
The sun will still be shining  
Because we've heard it said that every mushroom cloud  
Has a silver lining  
Though we're always undermining too deep to know”

Connie listened quietly, then stared at him with suspicion. “Did… did you just… is that entire song just _puns?_ ”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Oh my god.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“...we should probably get off of the floor at some point,” Connie decided, though neither she nor Pollux made any move to do so.

“...has school been going well?”

“Huh?”

“I don’t know. I’m not very good at small talk.”

“That’s a hard ‘same’ right there.”

“I think Castor got all of Steven’s social skills.”

“What’d you get, then?”

“An appreciation for terrible jokes.”

“...neither of us actually had any plans for what we were gonna do today, did we?”

“Nope.”

“...we should _really_ get off the floor soon.”

“Probably.”

“...you wanna just watch reruns of “Under the Knife” for a while?”

“...yes.”

“Nice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so y'alls are aware, I went back through the text and made a few minor edits. Nothing that changes things all that drastically, mostly just making sure the twin stars' text was appropriately colored in.


	34. What's Wrong?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's wrong with us?

Pollux spent most of the day doing absolutely nothing, and he was entirely okay with that.

This was entirely, mind you, because he spent that time with Connie.

She assured him that it really was okay for him to not be doing anything, that everything was being managed and taken care of and all that- and while that knot of anxiety didn’t truly go away, Pollux was almost able to actually enjoy that time without feeling quite as much guilt as usual.

It was still there, of course- he was taking time away from Connie, keeping her from what she needed to do, he should be helping, he should be trying to make up for his mistakes- for _their_ mistakes-

But Connie would just sit him down and insist that she was there to take care of him, and while that guilt didn’t exactly diminish, it was a lot easier to ignore.

Greg arrived at the house a bit after lunchtime, bringing food from a diner the next town over. Pollux ended up swapping meals with Connie, having to awkwardly remind everyone of the dietary choices he was trying to stick with. He’d barely had time to feel the anxiety of _I’m being a burden, I shouldn’t have said anything_ , before Connie simply shrugged and switched their plates.

Pollux had stayed quiet for the conversations during and after the meal, only saying something when he was directly asked. He only felt himself wandering once during the whole thing, managing to actually keep himself anchored.

Even after they were done, Greg stayed in the house, having brought some work with him so that Pollux didn’t feel like he was wasting his time.

Four hours and four episodes of “Under the Knife” later, Connie yawned and stretched, untangling herself from the fort of blankets she and Pollux had constructed. Pollux didn’t say anything- she was probably just going to the bathroom or something- and simply paused the autoplay.

“You should probably just turn it off for now.”

Pollux frowned. “Is something going on?”

“I mean, it’s a good place to stop while we wait for Mom to get here,” said Connie with a shrug.

“Oh. I… I didn’t realize you were leaving already.”

“No, no, she’s coming here for the checkup, remember?”

Pollux stared at her, wide-eyed. “I don’t remember, no.”

Connie grimaced. “I think you might’ve been zoned out when I was telling you. Yeah, Mom and Miss Centi are coming over pretty soon to check up on you. Just making sure you’re okay, y’know?”

“...y- yeah. It’s, um…” Pollux could hear his heart racing- though he supposed that for a Human it would just be a normal pulse. No, no- for any _other Human, we **are** Human, don’t think like that-_ “I’m just nervous, I think.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Just, um… just stay with me. Please.”

Connie smiled. “Already planning on it.”

* * *

Since Connie had remembered Steven telling her he’d never been to a hospital before, she and Greg made sure to go over some of the basic things Pollux might need to know- what the different tools were, what they did. They didn’t know all the details of what today was going to entail, but Pollux appreciated any info he could get.

“Priyanka’s already given me a lecture on how I was being an ‘irresponsible parent’ by not taking you to the hospital,” admitted Greg. “I don’t know what she wants from me, really- what was I supposed to tell the doctors, ‘oh by the way, my son is half Gem and also he has to wear this anklet thing for most of his childhood, also he glows sometimes! Don’t worry about it’.”

“I guess we never really got _sick,_ either,” Pollux mused. “There was never much of a reason for us to see a medical doctor.”

Connie frowned. “What did you mean by him having to wear an anklet?”

“Oh yeah, that.” Greg just shrugged. “It was something Rose was worried about. She told me she didn’t want to risk the possibility of Steven’s powers showing up when he was just an infant, and that his body would need time to sort of, adapt? So she gave him something that she said would help with that. He had this little anklet thing with a gold star on it that he always wore- literally, _always_. Didn’t take it off until he moved in with the Gems.”

“I… guess that makes sense?” said Connie. “Especially considering how big the pink Diamond gemstone is…”

“I don’t think she wanted to risk anyone getting hurt,” said Pollux quietly. “What with the whole ‘destructive scream’ thing.”

She didn’t want to risk me hurting Dad.

“You still wear the pendant as an earring, don’t you?” asked Greg, trying to move the conversation. “Or, uh, Steven does, at least.”

Pollux looked away. “We lost it somewhere. I don’t know where. When we were, um…” He tucked a stray bit of hair behind his ear. “It fell off when we… when we _changed._ ”

“I’m sure we’ll find it soon enough,” assured Greg with an awkward smile. “Besides, those silver ones look nice!”

“They were a gift from one of the Rose Quartzes, I think,” said Pollux awkwardly, just as two pairs of footsteps made their way up the front stairs.

“ - _still_ say it would have been faster if you’d let _me_ drive-”

“There are _laws_ , Centi, you don’t have a driver’s license.”

“I’m a _Nephrite!_ What more certification should I need?”

“An American citizenship, for starters.” Dr Maheswaran sighed as Centi simply rolled her eye. “Sorry we’re here a bit late, I found out that _someone_ is a particularly horrendous backseat driver.”

“She can’t be worse than Dad,” reasoned Connie with a smirk.

“You’d think that, and yet, somehow, you’d be proven wrong.”

Pollux’s focus pushed their conversation into the background as the sound of his heartbeat took its place in the forefront of his hearing, pounding, pounding, pounding away, hammering at the inside of his ribcage. Silently he held his dad’s hand in his own, holding onto it like a lifeline, but being gentle, always gentle, _they’re so fragile-_

“You gonna be okay?” asked Greg quietly. Pollux hesitated, then nodded slowly.

“It’s just a lot of people all of a sudden, I guess.”

“Do you want to ask anyone to leave?”

“I- I don’t want to be rude-”

“You won’t be.”

“...I, um… I asked Connie to stay with me, earlier, but… I… would it be okay for me to just talk to Dr Maheswaran?”

Greg looked surprised for a moment, but nodded. “Yeah. You just stay here for a second, okay?”

“Mm.”

Pollux looked down, fidgeting with the hem of his skirt. _Their_ skirt? Could he even consider anything to be _his?_ This _body_ wasn’t, not really. His memories were someone else’s. A fusion is greater than the sum of its parts. Steven Universe is Castor and Pollux. Castor and Pollux are not Steven Universe.

His song was half of Steven’s, and it sounded like it. Half a song. Not whole, not on its own. A false song. A mimicry, a shadow. An object, held aloft, casting two shadows on the walls of the cave. An audience bound by crystalline chains of pink, as the object’s twin shadows tear it apart.

Mm. That’s a bit much, isn’t it.

“Pollux?”

He jumped in his seat, startled by the sudden voice, though he quickly realized it was just Dr Maheswaran. “Oh. Um. S- sorry. I’m, I’m a bit jumpy, I guess.”

“You looked like you were thinking about something.” Pollux just shrugged. “Is this going to be alright?”

Pollux took a moment to actually process his surroundings. It was just him and Dr Maheswaran now, in the main room of the Temple house. The others were outside, he figured, though he didn’t actually see them. Dr Maheswaran was sitting across from him on one of the kitchen chairs, moved over onto the rug. “Y- yeah. Yeah. This is okay.”

She smiled. “Connie told me that she and Greg went over some of the basics, but I’ll let you know what I’m doing each step of the way. If there’s anything that stresses you out, please let me know.”

Pollux nodded, and they began.

The first few tests were just as Connie had explained them- checking his temperature, his heart rate, his blood pressure, all that. The cuff he had to wear for the last one squeezed a bit tight, and he could almost- _almost-_ feel the suffocating heat of his pink state, appearing beneath his cheeks.

He wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or not that it never actually appeared.

Pollux ended up having to go change into a slightly looser outfit after that, as the next tests required Dr Maheswaran to be able to see his gemstone, and with the outfit he’d been wearing, that took a bit of finagling. Once he’d switched over to a crop-top and some sweatpants (he cared more about comfort than aesthetics at the moment), Dr Maheswaran had hooked up a whole slew of electrodes to each shining pink facet.

She’d explained bits and pieces of what she was doing, about recording the output of his gemstone, about where the power was going, but… Pollux could already feel himself wandering again.

This is important

Don’t care

You should

Aren’t you the one always going on about us being a Diamond and all that?

I kinda figured all this technical stuff would be up your alley

I’m just having a hard time focusing

Then let me take control-

Pollux jolted upright. “No, no, don’t-”

QUIET! She can hear you!

“I don’t care, I, I just-” Castor slapped their hand over their mouth, making Pollux gasp in surprise.

Don’t make her worry about us!

Pollux pulled their hand away, their eye glazed over, staring at nothing. “She already knows about us, we, we shouldn’t have to hide it-”

JUST SHUT UP!

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please, I… please…”

I- I shouldn’t have yelled, I- I can’t be here, I-

“...Pollux? Is everything okay?”

Pollux’s shoulders sagged as he felt Castor retreat into the back of their mind. “Castor? Please, I didn’t…”

Dr Maheswaran placed her hand on his, making him jump. She took his hand slowly, this time, letting him hold on, in a sign of reassurance. “Are you going to be alright?”

Pollux opened his mouth to say something, then shook his head. “He- he won’t- he won’t listen, and I just- I, I don’t know what I’m doing, and-” Pollux just shook his head again, ignoring the warm tears that began to well up.

“...would you like to tell me about it?”

Pollux hesitated for a moment. “I don’t…” He looked down at his hands- _his_ hands, at least for now, at least for this day. Dark, blunted claws, thick and curling, accenting large hands with old marks and creases. Human hands, Gem claws. _His_ hands. _His_ claws.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“He was angry at me,” began Pollux. “Or- not, not angry, at first? He just wanted me to pay attention to what you were saying. He thought it was something I would be interested in. But I couldn’t stay focused, so he… he offered to take over for me.”

“Is that something you do often? Have one of you front so that the other can rest?”

Pollux nodded. “I think so? I don’t… before we, before we started to really be aware of each other, we did it a lot, I think. There were… even if we didn’t realize it, there’d be entire weeks where it was just the one of us. That, um… that night, in the hospital? That was just me. But when we first met Connie, it was just Castor.”

Dr Maheswaran frowned. “You weren’t aware of each other, you said?”

Pollux shrugged. “I don’t really know how it worked. I think we just… Steven knew there were different ‘parts’ of him, I guess? But we never, uh… it wasn’t the same, as when we were fused with someone else. We were… we were always there with him. I…” He shook his head. “Just now, though, I- I didn’t want to… I wanted to stay.”

“And that’s what made Castor angry?”

“No. He was angry because he didn’t want you to hear us arguing. He- he didn’t want me to make you worried.”

“...can he still hear me?”

“No. I… I can’t hear him either.” Pollux felt himself tearing up again, could feel that ache in his chest, resting above his gemstone. “I… he’s still there, but I can’t… it’s like… I can’t feel his presence, I guess.”

Dr Maheswaran hummed. “I’m going to run a few more tests yet, but we’re very nearly done for today. I’d like to come back when, ah, when it’s Castor’s ‘turn’, as it were, to see if there’s any significant physical differences- if you’re able to inform him of such, please let him know to text me at the appropriate time.”

“Connie said our eye looks different depending on who’s talking,” Pollux mused quietly. “Is, um… is everything okay, so far? Nothing’s… nothing’s wrong with us?”

“Honestly? I have absolutely no idea,” Dr Maheswaran admitted as she recorded some of the information that ran through her tablet, fed to it by the electrodes still attached to the pink Diamond gemstone.. “You’re Human enough to actually _have_ vital signs, and Gem-like enough for them to make no sense whatsoever.”

Pollux sighed. “That sounds about right.”

“...Pollux, have… have you and Castor ever argued like this before?”

“Um… I don’t think so, no.”

“Hmm.” Dr Maheswaran’s expression crinkled in thought. “And you started clashing even before you were properly corrupted, yes?”

“Mm.”

“I’m no psychiatrist, but, I can’t help but wonder… if the two of you spent sixteen, seventeen straight years fused- something that’s difficult for even some of the closest Gems, it seems- what it was exactly that spurred this on in the first place.”

Pollux didn’t respond, but, Dr Maheswaran didn’t seem to be expecting a response anyways. She looked over a few more things on her tablet, gave a determined nod, then began carefully removing each of the electrodes.

“I’m going to go let the others know we’re finished for the time being,” she informed him. “Miss Centi was wanting to speak with you about a few things as well, but I think we can save that for the next check-up. Oh- just a reminder,” she said, pausing in the doorway, “I imagine someone’s already told you this, but, in case they haven’t, Crazy Lace Agate is coming over tomorrow, just to talk. Hopefully she can help you- _both_ of you, that is- figure some things out.”

Pollux waited until Dr Maheswaran had left the Temple house, then went back into his room, shutting the door tightly behind him.

* * *

Pollux opened his eye, and saw his reflection.

“D’you think we should be worried that our mental images of ourselves include the fucked-up right eye?” asked Castor without any real concern, sitting criss-crossed with his cheek resting against one hand.

“...why is this happening _now?_ ”

“Huh?”

“Steven’s been indecisive about things before,” said Pollux, “been torn between two options. Both of us have fronted before. And yet it’s only now that we’re split like this.”

Castor frowned. “What’s bringing this on? I saw there was something going on with Dr Maheswaran, but-”

“Look at us.” Pollux gestured around him, at the reflective surface they sat on, at the pink crystalline chains that had appeared around their wrists once again. “Even when we’re arguing, we _know_ each other, better than anyone else could. We… we were so _happy_ together, when we were split… I couldn’t feel _anything,_ not until we were touching, and the first thing I could feel was _joy._ ”

“...Pollux-”

“I don’t want to keep doing this!” insisted Pollux, his chains clinking as he gestured wildly “I don’t want to fight you!”

“Neither do _I!_ ” Castor exclaimed, his hands to his chest. “I- I just get so _angry,_ and, and I don’t know what to _do!_ ” Tears fell from his face, staining the surface below them. “And I’m just so scared we’re gonna hurt someone, and I know you don’t want to, but- I don’t know how to stop!”

“I… that’s- that’s why I keep…” Pollux’s words caught in his throat. “I just feel like I want to hurt someone, y’know? But I don’t want to! So I just… I hurt myself instead. I hurt _us_ instead.”

“Yeah. ‘cause we’ll heal, so, it shouldn’t really matter, right?”

“I think it does though. Even- even if we’re not injuring ourselves, it still… it hurts.”

“...I don’t hate you,” said Castor quietly. “I just wanted someone to blame.”

“...Crazy Lace Agate will be coming over tomorrow,” said Pollux. “It will be… difficult to manage, probably, but… we should both talk to her.”

Castor nodded. “Yeah. We… we need help.”


	35. A Perfectly Innocuous Toaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two halves do not make a whole  
> The sum is greater than its parts  
> (I wonder what the parts feel about that)

System reboot. Status: functional.

I am…

There’s something wrong.

He sees himself. His skin is a sickly grey, and there’s blood staining his shirt. Red blood. _Human_ blood.

I should feel something for him. For Connie. I should feel afraid. I should. I should. I should. I should-

His Human half takes a step forwards, almost collapsing under his own weight, before being caught by Connie.

“No… I- please, I… I need… I need it…”

It.

He should be offended by that, probably. But it’s true. He has no right to consider himself an individual. His Self is standing before him. He is just an empty shell.

“What is this? Where is Pink?”

“She’s gone.”

Just an empty shell.

He is a living gravestone. A memorial to the person he isn’t.

“What did you say!? Answer me!”

And in that moment, he can feel.

He can feel rage.

“ **SHE’S _GONE!_** ”

There is a crater where the ground once was, but he doesn’t fall, doesn’t falter. But everyone else does. That’s the first lesson he learns, on his own- he is _power_. He is power, contained in the image of a child.

The rage fades, and he is empty once again.

But his other half isn’t reaching for him anymore.

He’s staring at him in fear, hand over his mouth, as Connie holds him close. She’s shaking.

I don’t understand.

Is it because his hands are no longer hands, but claws that can gouge through stone? Is it the horns that bloom from his head? Is it the spikes that line his back?

Haven’t those always been there?

He takes a step forwards, and the ground breaks beneath him, shattering. His Human half is sobbing, holding onto Connie like a lifeline.

He reaches out, reaches for them.

His claws are covered in red blood.

“Help me-”

* * *

Castor awoke with a strangled gasp, his face already crusted over with dried tears. Instinctively, his hand went to his gemstone.

“It’s still there,” he whispered breathlessly. “It- _you’re_ still there.” He rubbed at some of the tear stains, then looked down at his hands- at their hands. “I- I never… I didn’t…”

“Castor…”

“I- I never thought about what it was like for you.”

“...I try not to think about it either.”

“...that’s probably not healthy in the long run,” noted Castor.

“Ah, yes, because the two of us are just _paragon_ examples of healthy coping mechanisms,” replied Pollux sarcastically, tapping a claw next to their right eye. Castor just blew a raspberry at him, waking Lion up from his sunbeam nap.

“Sorry, big guy,” soothed Castor with a smile while Lion just grumbled and went back to sleep.

* * *

The two of them hadn’t really tried to work in tandem, really- they couldn't _both_ front, of course, but one of them would be… _inactive,_ hiding away in the back of their mind.

There was a _reason_ for that, though.

“It’s not like we’re _going_ anywhere.”

“We could be!”

“Then we’ll change into something else when the time comes. This is comfier.”

“It makes us look like a slob.”

“We’ve been spending the last month or so in the deepest depression we’ve ever dealt with. I think we’re allowed to look a bit shabby.”

“...fine, but at least let me pick the earrings.”

“Deal.”

* * *

“Did Dr Maheswaran say when Crazy Lace was coming?” asked Castor as they went down the stairs- once they’d checked to see if there was anyone present first, of course.

“No, she actually acted like she figured someone had told us already.”

“We could text her and ask.”

“Crazy Lace or Dr Maheswaran?”

“Whichever, I guess.”

Pollux stopped. “We never charged our phone again, did we?”

“...it’s going to be filled with missed calls, and texts from people worrying about us. Maybe we should just leave it off.”

“That… that might actually be for the best. It’d be good to have a phone on us, though.”

“We could ask Pearl for one of her spares, maybe.”

“You don’t sound happy about the idea,” said Pollux, continuing their path to the kitchen.

“I… I don’t know,” Castor admitted, allowing Pollux to take the forefront as he prepared some oatmeal- the instant kind, mind you, they weren’t going to bother with anything fancy. “I guess I’m still kind of mad at her about the whole not-actually-a-kidnapping thing? I- I don’t want to be, though…”

“I know for a _fact_ that I’m mad at her,” stated Pollux.

“She was doing her best! She wanted to help us, she- she just didn’t know how!”

“I know,” said Pollux. “And I don’t blame her, nor am I gonna confront her about it. But I’m still angry at her.”

Castor sighed. “I just don’t want you to take-”

“WHAT IS UP, MY ‘DUDES’!”

“Peridot, do you even know what ‘dude’ means?”

“Not really!”

The two halves just stared blankly at the trio in the doorway, their mouth still hanging open.

Peridot was in the front, looking as excitable as ever, but… Lapis and Bismuth looked more than a bit uncomfortable, with Bismuth leaning more towards ‘awkward’ and Lapis more towards ‘thinly veiled anger / mistrust / concern, probably?’.

“Um… h-hi?”

“I’m currently unsure how to greet you, as I don’t know which aspect of Steven is currently active!” said Peridot brightly.

“I’m, um, I’m- I’m Pollux. But- Castor’s here too, right now.”

“We’re both here. Just not, ah, Together. We’re… working on it.”

“It is nice to meet you slash see you again!”

Castor couldn’t help but laugh at Peridot’s infectious enthusiasm. “You too, Peridot.”

“...Steven really is a fusion, then, huh?” mused Bismuth, rubbing at her arm.

Castor shrugged. “We, uh, can’t really unfuse physically? Or, well, we can, just not…”

“We can’t unfuse safely.”

“Well, of course you can’t,” stated Peridot blithely. “You’ve only got the one gemstone.”

“Wh- yes? So?”

Peridot just shrugged. “A Gem’s form is made of light, maintained by their gemstone. Without a gemstone, you’d just poof, at least in theory.”

Bismuth frowned. “Hey, um, maybe we shouldn’t bring that up just now, yeah?”

“No, I- it’s alright,” said Castor, frowning. “I- I didn’t poof though, and- I mean, we- we’re half Human, we’re not made of light.”

Peridot hummed. “Interesting. Would you be willing to recount the exact details of your physical separation?”

“Okay, let’s not go that far.”

“But- it’s for science!”

“And science must bow to our being able to sleep tonight.” That managed to get a half-hearted chuckle from Lapis, at least.

“Hey, so, uh…” Bismuth rubbed the back of her neck. “There was another reason I wanted to come see you guys, actually. I mean- don’t get me wrong, I like just hanging out with y’all! But, I… aw, jeez, I’m no good at this…”

“Is- is something going on?”

“...did we do something wrong?”

Bismuth’s eyebrows shot up. “Wh- no! Not at all! I… I wanted to _apologize,_ actually. For, uh…” She bit her lip. “When you ran away to Homeworld, I… I didn’t know what to think. I was angry and concerned. With what you said about… about not being ‘better’ than Rose… I was the one to release Jasper from the bubble, yeah? She… she was pretty freaked out, told me all of what happened…”

Castor didn’t say anything when he felt Pollux clutching at the hem of their shirt- he simply gave their hand a bit of a nudge, grabbing at the chair instead. It still gave way under their grasp, but their claws were no longer brushing near to their skin.

“What I’m trying to say here is that… I acted like an ass, while you were gone,” sighed Bismuth. “Told myself I wasn’t worried about you, that you were off partying it up with the Homeworld elites. I shouldn’t have been talkin’ shale about you behind your back. And yeah, I got my reasons why I did it, but, that doesn’t mean it was okay.”

Pollux stared at her, too busy processing to show any kind of expression. “You… you didn’t…?”

“I just wanted to say that, I’m sorry, y’know?”

“But you didn’t do anything to us.”

“Maybe not in person, but I still did it.” Bismuth frowned. “Hey, uh, are you guys alright?”

“...sort of?” answered Castor hesitantly. “I just… I don’t get why you’re apologizing to us. I know you just said why, but…” He just shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe we’re not awake enough.”

Bismuth smiled brightly at them. “Well, hey, y’alls are doin’ a lot better than you were, yeah?”

“Relatively speaking.”

“How long are you under ‘house arrest’?” asked Peridot, hopping up onto one of the counter stools. “Furthermore- how does one get arrested by a house?”

Castor snorted. “It’s just a phrase. And I think we’re technically free to go, but… well…” He scratched at the back of his neck. “I- I think the corruption is still messing with our head. Everything feels kinda… off, I guess? And we’ve had to sort of, re-learn how to do stuff, so, walking around on our own has only just recently stopped being, an issue. Besides, we haven’t really had anywhere to go, yeah?”

“You could always come over to the forge,” offered Bismuth casually. Castor winced.

“We’d… rather not. Um… it’s… there’s some kind of bad memories there.”

“Aw, schist, I never really did apologize for that either, did I?”

“..no. You didn’t.”

Peridot looked between the two of them (three of them?) awkwardly. “Should I ask?”

Bismuth sighed. “It’s a long story, and not a good one, but… I thought Steven was _Rose,_ at first, just disguised. I… he dissipated me in… in self defense.” She didn’t mention the Breaking Point, or Rose’s lies, and the two halves couldn’t help but appreciate that a bit. She looked over at them, solemn. “What I did wasn’t okay- even if I’d been right, if you really were Rose, I… I shouldn’t’ve reacted like I did.”

Pollux looked away. “That was never the part that scared us.”

“It was the memory of seeing Her sword stabbed through your form.”

“The memory of having to ‘kill’ you.”

“...honestly? I actually understand that pretty well.” Bismuth’s shoulders sagged, and her claws fidgeted with the ends of her locks. “First Gem I ever dissipated was a Dendritic Agate- my overseer, at the time. Her form lasted just long enough for me to see the look on her face. I thought I’d relish it, y’know? Fighting back against the system n’ all that. But that kinda stuff sticks with you. Not in a good way.”

“...I’ve actually had to dissipate Gems as well,” said Peridot quietly.

“Really?”

“Every now and then when Gems first emerge, they can’t form correctly. They have to be dissipated so they can have a chance to fix things. But… there was a Chalcopyrite that formed in such a way that… she couldn’t hear me when I was trying to tell her what I was doing.” Peridot shook her head. “She was just fine afterwards- even thanked me! But her song… she couldn’t hear her own song, so it was almost all gibberish, but- I just remember how _scared_ she sounded.”

“We’re not tryin’ to say your experience isn’t legit, yeah?” said Bismuth. “Just that… you’re not the only ones.”

“Thank you,” said Pollux quietly. “That is… it’s helpful.”

“Maybe you could come over to the Lair?” offered Peridot casually. “We could complain about the new CPH together!”

“We already watched all of it with you?”

“We can complain about it for a second time!”

Castor laughed. “That would be nice, actually,” said Pollux, their songs briefly overlapping.

“Maybe not today though? Crazy Lace Agate is supposed to be here at some point, but we don’t know when.”

Bismuth nodded. “You two know what days you’ve got free, then?”

Castor just shrugged. “Not really? Pearl and the others said they were planning on this sort of… they wanted to make sure there was someone in the house with us each day, to keep an eye on us, but…”

“More often than not, people seem to just come and go.”

Bismuth frowned. “Didn’t she text you the schedule she wrote up?”

“...our phone’s been dead since, ah. Y’know.”

“The Thing.”

“Yes.”

“Well that just figures, doesn’t it?” sighed Bismuth, resting her head on one hand. “‘course Pearlie-bird’s been too busy with Sheena…”

“...is something wrong?”

“Eh, kinda? But it’s not your problem to deal with, it’s Pearl’s and mine. I’m kinda waitin’ ‘till this all blows over and she’s in a bit of a better mindset, anyways.”

“You said your phone is ‘dead’,” noted Peridot. “Implying you’re aware of where it is. Can you not just charge it?”

Castor grimaced. “We’d rather not deal with the emotional distress of seeing the messages from people looking for us while we were gone,” explained Pollux sheepishly.”

“Oof.”

“I can make you a new one!” offered Peridot excitedly. “A _better_ one!”

“Oh yeah?” asked Bismuth, with a cocky grin. “How’s that toaster going?”

“Oh, yeah, we’d been wondering about that.”

Peridot huffed. “There’s been some… minor technical difficulties… but it’s nothing I can’t deal with!”

“You blew it up.”

“Twice,” said Bismuth joyfully.

Both halves laughed, the overlapping songs sounding _almost_ like Steven’s, but not quite. Peridot scowled at them, though not with any real venom behind it. “Oh, sure, laugh it up, let’s see you two try and build something better!”

“Mm, no, we’d best leave that to the experts,” said Pollux, still smiling.

“Oh, so you mean Forsterite?” asked Bismuth.

Peridot pointed at her angrily “Traitor!”

“Guilty as charged.”

“Forsterite would just end up building a massive toaster-based death robot, anyways,” noted Peridot. “At least mine only blows things up by accident.”

“So would that be considered a successful failure, or a failed-”

Castor’s joke was interrupted by the slamming of the front door. Cracks wove their way through the wood, and they watched as Lapis stormed off- though not literally, at least not this time. They froze up, staring.

“I- did- did we-” They could hear their heart pounding. “We did something wrong, didn’t we?”

Of course this wouldn’t last. Nothing good ever lasts, not ever, and why should it? Nothing else does- isn’t that how things work? You get a glimpse of something good, and the moment you think it might stay that way, at least for a time, it’s taken away from you.

Bismuth and Peridot looked at each other, concerned. “Do you think that she…?” Bismuth trailed off, not wanting to finish her sentence.

Peridot nodded, teary eyed. “I think so.”

We did this.

We need to fix it.

“Wh- hey now!” Bismuth moved after them as they strode determinedly to the door, barely even jumping as her wide hand rested on their shoulder. “Seriously, this isn’t anything you did,” she told them. “Lapis is still kind of freaked out, y’know?”

“Which still makes it our fault!” insisted Castor. “ _Everyone’s_ been freaking out, to some extent or another, because of _us!_ ”

“Well, yeah! If I was hurt or got poofed then you two’d be a bit freaked out too, right? Doesn’t mean it’s my fault for getting hurt.”

“We did this to ourselves-”

“So what!?” exclaimed Bismuth, making them flinch back. She sighed, looking at them sadly. “Look, if you wanna come with, I’m not gonna stop you. I just don’t want you thinkin’ this is something you gotta fix.”

But it is, though, insisted Castor, though he knew better than to say it out loud. Bismuth would just keep arguing with him, and they wouldn’t end up getting anywhere.

Lapis hadn’t gone far, only down to the shore, where she played with the water, sculpting it into various abstract shapes. Castor mostly just saw a mess, but Pollux pointed out to him the forms and patterns within, as the seawater shifted and morphed into almost-animals, parodies of things.

The water fell back down as the neared, her wings drooping as she sighed. “Sorry I ran off like that…”

“Just wanted to make sure you’re gonna be okay, yeah?” said Bismuth, plopping down onto the sand next to her. Castor stayed standing, hands kept in the front pocket of their hoodie. Lapis glanced back at them, uncertain, prompting Bismuth to do the same. She gestured towards them, so they sat down at Lapis’ other side. She pointedly did not look at them.

“...is there something we can do to help?”

Just the sound of their voice was enough to make Lapis clench her fists, pulling the waves towards her in two violent undertows. “I don’t get it,” she grumbled, still looking down. “Why are you two still pretending?”

“We… we’re not…?”

“I don’t understand what you’re asking.”

Lapis growled and the waves became even more turbulent. Castor watched her, carefully, cautiously, gesturing with his head for Bismuth to give them some space. She moved to stand up for a minute, then frowned, sitting back down. “Seriously, you don’t gotta do this,” she told them. “This isn’t your job.”

I mean, it kind of is

“I just… I don’t… I don’t get it!” insisted Lapis. “You don’t need to keep pretending! I don’t want you to put up an act around me!”

“...I think this might be a bit of a private conversation,” observed Pollux. “Don’t- don’t leave, maybe, just… stay nearby?”

Bismuth still seemed concerned, but she nodded, moving back up the dunes and onto the front porch where Peridot stood, sitting atop the grey tarp that covered where the table and chairs used to be. A vague memory of a tail hitting through wood, turning into splinters, found its way into Pollux’s mind, but he shoved it back down as soon as it did.

“What do you think we’re pretending about?”

“I-” Lapis stopped herself. “You’re gonna think I’m a jerk if I’m wrong.”

“I doubt it.”

“...there’s no way the two of you are this _stable,_ ” she stated. “After everything that’s happened- Steven finding out he’s a fusion, the two of you being unable to be apart- there’s no way you’re _this_ functional.”

“Y’know, I feel like you said something similar about a certain Ruby…”

“Which I was right about!”

“And you’re right about this, too,” said Castor. “Just not in the way you think.”

“...what do you mean?”

“If someone met you on one of your good days,” offered Pollux, “saw you teaching a class, spending time with people, having fun- and said, “I wish I could be as happy as you are”-”

“I’d probably laugh in their face,” said Lapis matter-of-factly.

“That’s… kind of what’s happening here,” said Castor. “This is… one of the better days we’ve had. And even then we couldn’t manage to get dressed without having an argument.”

Pollux nodded. “I wanted to wear something comfortable, and he wanted to look nice for no reason.”

“It wasn’t no reason, we had people over-!”

“Which you didn’t know about until after we came downstairs-”

“I was trying to plan ahead!”

Lapis snorted. “See, that’s what I was expecting!” she told them. “Which is probably pretty terrible of me, really…”

“Hey, it’s always good to have someone a bit more cynical around, honestly,” said Castor as he stood up, reaching out a hand to help Lapis up as well. “And, we mentioned Crazy Lace Agate coming over later? It’s because we wanted her help in figuring some things out.” He paused “Y’know, you and Connie are a lot alike in that way, really- sort of pessimistic, but not sad about it? Or like- you’re sad, but you own it, I guess. And you both really enjoy complaining about things.”

“We got very worried the first time we watched a movie with her because she spent at least an hour afterwards simply complaining about it,” said Pollux as they walked back to the Temple house “She had to sit us down and explain that, no, she was not unhappy, this was her way of enjoying things.”

Lapis nodded. “Truly, bitching is the highest form of academia. Actually, I’d been hoping to bring some of my paints and sketchbooks with me. Meep-morps- or, I’m sorry, _art-_ were really helpful for me in my own recovery.”

“Oh? What happened?”

Lapis just grinned. “I think Peridot tells the story better,” she said as she flew up the stairs, alighting on the railing next to a scowling Peridot and a delighted Bismuth. “I’ll start things off from my end, of course-”

“Lapis Lazuli, don’t you _dare-_ ”

“It all began right after I’d wrapped up my last class-”

“Laaapiiiis-”

“And I thought, “Oh! I should check up on Peridot!”, and went down to the lair, where, lo and behold-”

“ _Lapis, why, Lapis-_ ”

“What do I find, sitting right next to the meep-morp supplies I’d set out, but a perfectly innocuous toaster!”

“ _Laaaaaaaaaaapiiiiiiiiiisssssss-_ ”


	36. Riptide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just because the water looks calm, does not mean it is safe  
> (It's a frightening thing, to be dragged, by the undercurrent of the mind)  
> Just because the water is safe, does not mean you'll not drown  
> (It's a frightening thing, in the deep, as you watch your death approach you)  
> Just because you have died-

It was a few hours before Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis headed back to the Little Homeworld, with Peridot promising to start work on a replacement phone. Amethyst stopped by during that time, making sure Castor and Pollux were doing okay, as did Greg, about an hour later. Neither of them stayed very long, but the house was pretty busy anyways.

Peridot had given them a temporary replacement phone, which could text, but not much more. But that was enough for them

 **steven <3**  
[] Connie!!!  
[] we got a new phone from Peridot!!  
[] well, sort of new  
[] it looks pretty old actually and doesnt work well  
[] but it does work!!!

 **unknown number**  
[] Steven??

[ **unknown number** has been changed to **Strawberry** ]

 **steven <3**  
[] sort of!  
[] we’re both here rn  
[] Pollux and i, i mean  
[] we cant both type at the same time tho

 **Strawberry**  
[] seeing as you’re not freaking out, I’m assuming you didn’t actually unfuse or anything

 **steven <3**  
[] no, we’re still  
[] uh  
[] taking turns, i guess  
[] Crazy Lace Agate is gonna be coming over sometime today?  
[] we wanted to both talk to her  
[] ...im sorry

 **Strawberry**  
[] ???  
[] what for?

 **steven <3**  
[] this is just  
[] really weird?? i gues????  
[] *guess

 **Strawberry**  
[] Castor, I knew that the day I met you  
[] like… yeah, a lot of it has been stressful, but  
[] I’m glad I’ve been able to go through this stuff with you guys  
[] and I know I haven’t been around much?  
[] but break is starting overmorrow!

 **steven <3**  
[] overmorrow?

 **Strawberry**  
[] day after tomorrow  
[] technically it’s a German word?  
[] but there isn’t a word in English that means that

 **steven <3**  
[] really??  
[] thats dumb

 **Strawberry**  
[] it is!

 **steven <3**  
[] hey, um  
[] we dont…  
[] are things gonna be different now?  
[] with, uh  
[] us

 **Strawberry**  
[] do you want them to be?

 **steven <3**  
[] thats not an answer

 **Strawberry**  
[] ...yeah, I know  
[] I don't really have an answer just yet  
[] but I'm still going to try and be there for you  
[] I know I haven’t been around much

 **steven <3**  
[] yeah  
[] we do miss you, but like  
[] ?????  
[] idk how to word this

“Do you want me to type?”

“...yeah.”

 **steven <3**  
[] We miss you, but understand that you have your own wants and needs, and don’t want to make you feel that you need to ignore what *you* need in order to help us. -Pollux

 **Strawberry**  
[] you do know that you don't have to have perfect grammar when texting me, right?

 **steven <3**  
[] I am aware of that and intend to do so anyways. -P

 **Strawberry**  
[] that’s fair

A rhythmic tapping at the window drew them away from their conversation with Connie. On the porch, her tail pushing away the surrounding building supplies, was Crazy Lace Agate, with a grin to match her name.

 **steven <3**  
[] we’ll text you later  
[] Crazy Lace just showed up

 **Strawberry**  
[] see ya!  
[] <3

After a moment of indecision, Pollux stood up, taking the reins. Crazy Lace motioned for them to follow, then bounded off to the shoreline. Pollux followed.

By the time they reached her- their balance had vastly improved, but the sand was an unexpected frustration- she had shapeshifted into what they could only assume was her corrupted form. She had the shape and the bulk of a Quartz beast, but with crocodilian scales, a blood-red eye, and a smile like the Cheshire Cat.

“Hello there! Come, sit here,” she told them, her song unexpectedly clear. No, not clear- they could still hear the corrupted notes, but… they could understand them. Noises that they knew should simply be growls and chirps wove themselves into a song that they somehow knew.

“Wh… how…?” They stared at her, awkward and uncertain. She tilted her head in confusion. “We can understand what you're saying…?”

“Ah! Yes, _that._ ” She looked rather sheepish, her reptilian visage somehow conveying her expression quite well. “It’s sort of a, side effect, of corruption, apparently. It’s very useful, really! Don't, uh, don't ask me how it works, though, as I have no idea. Centi probably does, though!”

Pollux frowned in contemplation as they sat beside her. Despite everything, they didn't feel frightened by her, but rather, comforted. It helped that she had the general demeanor of a very large dog. “When we were… corrupted, Centi tried to talk to us. We still couldn't understand her, but… everyone else, when they talked? It was just noise. But she was actually _saying_ something. We just… we couldn't process it.”

Crazy Lace nodded. “Makes sense, makes sense. So! How have you been doing?”

“Today, or in general?”

“Either works.”

“...everything feels off.”

“Off?”

Pollux shrugged. “Sort of… it’s hard to explain. It feels a bit like when we first found the Cloud Room- it tried to recreate the whole town, all the buildings and people and all that.” As he talked, Castor ran his hand through the coarse sand, now littered with what remained of the plants they had grown. Out in the water, bits of coral still poked out through the barely-moving waves. “It took us a while to figure out it wasn't real. Everything was stilted, fake. Out of place.” Castor threw a stone, only managing a single skip. “It’s a bit like that. Like everyone’s playing a part. Like… like they’re _pretending._ ” Another stone, another skip. “Because if they stop pretending, we’re going to… we’re going to hurt someone again.” The third stone simply fell into the waves with a splash, making Castor briefly scowl, before their expression returned to Pollux’s more morose one.

“At least they're not acting like nothing happened, but like, they're not doing anything about it, or even telling us what's going on. I mean-” He gestured back at the Temple house. “We didn't even know the outside of the house was still being repaired, until today! I mean, we saw it at night once, but we didn't really _see_ it, yeah?”

Crazy Lace nodded. “It can be hard for people to face what they did when corrupted. Maybe they didn’t want you to deal with that right away."

Castor scoffed. “No kidding. They built this house for us, y’know? Dad and Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. And we went and smashed it to bits.” Another pebble plopped unceremoniously into the water.

“Do you think they were really trying to hide it from you?”

“Maybe? I don't know.”

“I do. The interior of the house has been perfectly repaired, and the outside’s a wreck. But… we understand why they didn’t want us to have to think about it, at least not right away.”

“It’s _frustrating_ though, ‘cause like- we wanna be pissed off at them, but we also get why they _did_ it, yeah?”

“...I suppose this isn’t really the _best_ topic, but… I feel the same about Rose Qu- Diamond, a lot,” admitted Crazy Lace. “On the one hand, she led Gems into a war against herself, one that ended with the Corrupting Light, and dumped her problems on you without even telling you about it. But at the same time… I understand _why_ she did a lot of that stuff. And I _want_ to be pissed off at her about it. But… I also don’t.”

“Welcome to the ‘Complicated Feelings About Rose Diamond’ Club. Current members include: _basically everyone in the entire Gempire._ ”

“Yaaaay.” Crazy Lace let out a huff, laying down on the sand, resting her head on her front paws. “You do seem to be doing better today, though.”

“We… er. We wanted to both be able to talk to you,” said Castor awkwardly.

“Oh? What about?”

They paused, looking down at their hands, laid flat on their lap. “We… we keep getting angry at each other. We can’t stay fused for more than an hour, if that, unless we’re focused on something else. And… we keep- _I_ keep, um…” Pollux looked up at her, anxiously. “Please don’t freak out. Everyone else does when we talk about this.”

“...I’ll do what I can.”

“...I keep hurting myself. Badly. I think I’ve been doing it for a while now, even before…” He hugged himself tightly. “I keep getting really, really angry, and… the only way I can keep from just, _exploding,_ is forcing in inwards. Hurting myself instead of anyone else.”

“Not just yourself, though, I’m guessing? But Castor as well.”

“I don’t really feel it, to be honest,” said Castor quietly. “Or, not the pain, at least. And before, it would just heal up right away? But…” Castor sighed, and Pollux moved their hand to pull up the hem of their pants, showing their leg covered in bandages and healing scratches. Crazy Lace stared in horror, but said nothing.

“It… it doesn’t always feel _bad,_ kind of?” Pollux admitted. “It hurts, but… I don’t know. I don’t think there’s words for it. I don’t feel like, like I’m punishing myself, or whatever, or like I’m doing this because I deserve it. It just helps me calm down.”

Crazy Lace sighed. “I’m not a professional, I think I’ve already said that. I don’t really have any advice for you, other than suggesting you find a different way of calming down. I’d say ‘get a stress ball’ but I don’t think they make any of those that can withstand your average Jasper, let alone a _Diamond._ ”

“It’d probably withstand us for a little while, at least. Our powers are still drained.”

“Mm. To be fair, you and Red Jasper are the only people who didn’t have a six thousand year gap between being corrupted and being healed of their corruption, so it’s possible that this is a normal ‘cooldown period’.”

“...it’s actually kind of nice, in a way. We don’t have to feel like we’re going to _hurt_ someone just because we dared to not feel _happy,_ y’know?”

She looked at them with concern, her lips pulled back in what wasn’t quite a snarl. “I heard your powers were tied to your emotions, but I didn’t realize it was that significant.”

Castor sighed. “That was one of the things we ended up arguing about. There was a while there, right before we were fully corrupted… I was angry at Pollux, blaming him for the corruption, saying it was only because of his powers that it even happened. But… my being angry just made it all worse.”

“When we were… when we were forced apart, I couldn’t feel anything at all. Then for a moment I could, and that feeling was _everything._ I felt angry at White, and all of a sudden I was angry enough that I left a crater. Then I was just… I was empty again.”

“And like- we finally had a decent grasp on our powers? And then all of a sudden, ‘hey look, you’re _glowing pink now,_ have fun with that!’ Like- what’s that all about!? We didn’t have enough to deal with already, apparently?”

“Do you mean your Aura?”

“...’Aura’.”

“Yeah. It’s a Diamond thing, the others use it as like, a show of strength or whatever. See, like- normally, Gems use up only a certain amount of their stored energy, yeah?” Crazy Lace gestured with one of her paws as she talked, making Pollux shift himself away from her a bit so he didn’t get hit. “So that there’s always some reserve power. Now, Diamonds already have like, a _stupid_ amount of reserve power- literally enough to power a _sun_ \- so they can sort of supercharge themselves and use up way more of their power than they should be. ‘cause, there’s the _reserve_ power, which is, well, in reserve, and the _active_ power, which is what you tap into when doing basically anything- fusing, shapeshifting, summoning a weapon, that’s all pulling from your active power. But your Aura, that pulls from your reserve power, which bypasses, like, a _bajillion_ different safety locks, but also lets you do shit that you normally couldn’t.”

“You know a lot about this stuff.”

She shrugged. “Rutilated Quartzes are designed as trainers and specialists, yeah? So knowing how Gems tick is kind of my jam. Well, _one_ of my jams. The other one is punching stuff. Anyways, once even just a bit of info on Diamonds became public, Til read up on _literally_ all of it.”

“Huh. So why’s there reserve power and also active power? Why not just pull from one source?”

“Keeps you from draining yourself completely. You drain a Gem of all their active power, you get someone like you, who can’t use any of their abilities or the like. You drain ‘em of all their _reserve_ power, they’d go into hibernation, shutting down absolutely _everything_ until they’ve soaked up enough light to reform. That’s part of why that Aura thing is kind of a big deal, yeah? You’re burning yourself up just to get an extra boost.”

“...it felt like it, honestly. And it was kind of… I don’t know. _Intoxicating,_ I think is the word. We felt like we could do literally _anything._ That was the scary part, really, ‘cause… we knew that no-one could stop us.”

Crazy Lace nodded. “Is that one of the things you ended up fighting about? Wanting to give into that power?”

“No! Neither of us really _wanted_ to, it just… it wasn’t until we saw what we did to Jasper that we snapped out of it.”

“...we split because of it. Mentally, at least. I remember watching us- watching Steven- try and heal her.”

“Do you… when you’re fused, do you still hear Til and Carnelian?” asked Castor nervously. “Do they ever argue, when they’re you?”

Crazy Lace tilted her head to the side. “Can Steven still hear you when you’re him?”

“Always. We… we can choose to pull back, to observe, but, ah…”

“When we tried doing that last, he had a breakdown and we split.”

“ _Huh._ That’s… _huh._ ”

“...it’s weird, isn’t it?” asked Castor anxiously.

“Yes, but not that unexpected, really. I mean, you’re sort of a… I guess ‘symmetrical’ fusion would be the best term. Starting out with zero programming, having the exact same experiences, in the same body- I’m honestly kind of surprised the two of you even have distinct personalities, y’know?”

“...oh.”

“No, no, no, I- that’s not a _bad_ thing! Seriously, I’m- I’m not trying to say you should or shouldn’t be a certain way, just, _observing,_ yeah? You obviously _are_ distinct, even if you’re sharing a form, both from each other and from your fusion.”

“Yeah, but… we shouldn’t _be_ there, when Steven is, right?”

“...if he were _anyone_ else, I’d say, no, not really. But I honestly don’t think that that’s true here. I think that he’s existed as a sort of, gestalt entity, for _far_ too long for it to be advisable that he exist as a singular one. In a way, the fact that you two can still exist while he does- to be both individuals _and_ components- is _pretty_ impressive.”

Castor and Pollux stared down at their hands. “...we still keep _fighting,_ though,” said Pollux softly. “Even when we’re Together.”

Crazy Lace shifted herself, her lower half laid on its side as she sat up on her front paws. “Perhaps I could help mediate some of the arguments?”

“...I would like that.”

“I don’t want to take up any more of your time, though,” said Castor. “I mean- yeah? That would be nice? But… I don’t want to dump our problems on you, I guess.”

She nodded. “I get that. How’s this- if I feel like I’m getting overwhelmed, I’ll let you know, yeah? But if I do, I don’t want you two to feel guilty for talking to me about it.”

“...I guess that’s fair.”

“Fan- _tastic!_ ” She clapped her front paws together somewhat awkwardly. “So I’m guessing that that’s one of the issues- Pollux, you want to reach out to others, but Castor, you’re worried that you’re wasting their time and burdening them with your problems.”

Castor shrugged. “I mean, Dad and Amethyst are the only ones who are around all that often, and even then it’s just to check in. I don’t wanna waste what time they have, y’know?”

Crazy Lace furrowed her scaled brows. “Are you often left in the house alone?”

“Most of the time, yeah. They’ve actually been checking up on us since we got back from the hospital, which is nice.”

“But they’re just coming and going? Not spending time with you.”

“It’s… it’s fine,” said Castor unconvincingly. “And besides, we have each other, right?”

“Still though… it is… lonely.”

Castor’s tone quickly became defensive. “It’s not like it’s something _new-_ ”

“That doesn’t make it better.”

Castor growled in frustration. “We shouldn’t be asking for anything more, okay? They’re already going out of their way as it is-”

“We deserve more than just that!”

“Wh- we don’t _deserve_ anything!”

“Yes, we do!”

Crazy Lace tried to get a word in. “Castor, could you-”

“ _Why!?_ ” exclaimed Castor, not even registering her. “Why do we deserve their time, rather than anyone else? There are other Gems that need help, why should _we_ ask for something _more?_ ”

“We should at least _ask_ them!”

“No! Their jobs are _important,_ what they’re doing is _important,_ more important than us, and if we ask them for more of their time, that’s just _keeping_ them from that!”

“They want to _help_ us, though! I _want_ them to help us!”

“So do I, but we don’t deserve their help!”

“...why not?”

“Because we’re-” Castor stopped himself short, realizing who it was that spoke. “...because we’re a monster. We keep hurting people- we _shattered_ Jasper. We did this to ourselves. This wasn’t because of someone else, we did this.”

“...I don’t think that’s entirely true,” said Crazy Lace calmly, shifting back to her standard form, her long hair falling back over her blood-red eye. “There’s an interesting phrase I’ve heard here on Earth- ‘ _the straw that broke the camel’s back_ ’. It didn’t really mean much to me at first, until I learned what it meant- with the straw being something tiny, miniscule, and the camel being something strong.” She picked up one of the skipping stones and threw it with very little success. “There’s a similar phrase on Homeworld: if something is a ‘ _droplet in a cave_ ’, then it’s something very small that can have a massive impact.”

“...I don’t get what you’re saying.”

“Well, to be fair, I’m not done yet.” She threw another stone, still not managing to skip it. “Let’s look at another Earth thing, ‘The Crow and the Pitcher’. It’s an old story, are you familiar with it at all?”

“I don’t think so, no.”

“Well, in the story, there’s a very thirsty crow- which I’ve been informed is a very clever type of bird- who finds a pitcher of water, but its beak is too short to reach the water.” Castor and Pollux were pretty convinced Crazy Lace wasn’t even trying to skip the stones anymore, rather, she was just chucking them into the water. “But there’s a bunch of tiny pebbles around- not Pebbles, that would be weird- and starts dropping them into the pitcher. Eventually, the water rose as the pitcher was filled with pebbles, and the crow could drink from it.”

“I guess that makes sense.”

“Now, imagine, instead of a pitcher of water, it’s an ocean, and there’s someone like me, tossing pebbles into it.” Which she continued to do. “Looking at that, you’d think there’s no _way_ I could ever manage to fill the whole _ocean,_ right? So who cares if I’m throwing these?” The next one hit the water hard, causing a loud splash. “So let’s say the ocean is a symbol of one’s psyche, one’s stability. And each pebble is something bad happening to them. The ocean gets still again, after each pebble hits it, so why worry about it?”

Now she was throwing somewhat larger stones, just large enough that they made a splash every single time. “And everyone looks at the ocean and thinks that it could never go anywhere, it’s always there, no-one needs to worry about it. So they start throwing their _own_ stones into it, too.” Now she started tossing the pebbles with both hands, not giving the water time to become still again. “But they’re just pebbles. Pebbles in an ocean.”

Even when she stopped throwing the stones, the water churned, disturbed by the new additions, the new currents. “The stones have been thrown already- little things, like spending hours all alone, or big things, like being thrust into a war. Now? Now things are calm. Now they’ve stopped throwing the stones. Now we’re just seeing the _ripples._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look! A title drop!


	37. Check In, Check Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I'm coming apart at the seams_   
>  _Pitching myself for leads in other people's dreams_   
>  _Like buzz, buzz, buzz_   
>  _Doc, there's a hole where something was_   
>  _Doc, there's a hole where something was_

Time is a curious thing.

It moves at a constant rate. Ten years is always ten years. Any one decade is never any longer or shorter than another. But it rarely feels like that.

Humans and Gems, despite having vastly different lifespans, perceive time in the same ways. The only reason Gems seem to treat what is a lifespan to a Human as being no time at all is that things move so terribly slowly on Homeworld. There’s no seasons or holidays to mark the passage of the years. Days simply come and go.

On Homeworld, a month is nothing. Simply the blink of an eye. On Earth? A month has the potential to contain infinity.

Their hair was getting longer.

It hadn't grown since they were eight. Since they removed the compression field. Even during their ‘growth spurt’, their hair stayed the same.

It… actually looked pretty nice.

Just so long as it doesn't start curling into ringlets

I think we’re still a ways off from that

Castor had texted Dr Maheswaran to let her know she could finish the rest of the checkup. She’d be arriving in a half-hour with Centi, where they would meet with him and Greg, who was making lunch (which consisted entirely of mac n cheese from a box) in the kitchen.

Castor and Pollux were still taking turns fronting, with today being Castor’s. However, rather than simply ‘sleeping’ the day away, only ‘waking’ when called upon, Pollux remained an active presence.

I wonder if our powers were keeping it short. Maybe it’s only growing now because we’re preventing it from doing so

I don't really care either way, honestly? Though maybe when we can shapeshift again I can have it longer and you can keep it short

That's a good idea, actually. Maybe I'll see if I can color it pink

Neat

They'd explained things to Greg as best they could, and while he didn't really understand it himself, he seemed inclined enough to simply ‘go with the flow’, which they were grateful for.

Greg looked up from the pot he was stirring, giving them a bright smile. “Don't you two look nice today! I didn't even know you _had_ half of those clothes.”

“Neither did we, actually,” said Castor as he sat down at the kitchen counter.

“You want anything besides the mac n cheese?”

“Mm… we’ll probably just grab some durian juice or something.”

Greg made a face. “I could never get a taste for that stuff.”

“Really? I mean, I knew it was kind of a regional thing, but-”

“Wh- hold on,” interrupted Pollux. “Since when do you know how to _cook_ anything?”

“You guys know Bixbite, yeah? The sort of crab-looking Gem? Works at Fish Stew Pizza, is dating Kiki, has crabs for hands-”

“Since when is Bixbite dating Kiki?” asked Castor with a grin.

Greg just shrugged. “Dunno. She’s running a cooking class though, mostly for other uncorrupted Gems, but, uh, Vidalia kinda roped me into joining.”

“You're… you're really gonna be sticking around, then?”

Greg gave them a sad smile even as he poured their food. “Well… yeah. I never really realized that you guys wanted that… that regularity, that stability.” He sighed. “I never knew there was such a thing as too much independence, y’know?”

~~_“MY PROBLEM ISN'T THAT I'M A GEM!”_ ~~

“Yeah… yeah. We get that.”

~~_“MY PROBLEM, IS THAT I'M A UNIVERSE!”_ ~~

* * *

Castor kept himself busy while he waited by organizing what contacts he’d put on his phone so far. He knew it was just a temporary one, but, well, it was nice to have things organized. Plus it was driving Pollux mad.

There was a trio of Gems who had come by to work on the porch- a Bismuth, an Agate of some sort, and a shorter Gem he didn't recognize. Either a Tyrolite or a Clinotyrolite, or maybe an overcooked Chrysocolla. Definitely one of those three.

Greg was off at Little Homeworld, promising to bring back whatever goodies his cooking class might be willing to part with. He actually made sure to tell Castor where he was headed, and when he was likely to be back, so that was nice.

Unfortunately, that meant that their only company for the time being was the Gems out on the porch.

“C’mon, then, ya pebbles! I've seen Topazes faster than you two!”

“Give it a rest, Laguna.”

“I'm not gonna ‘give it a rest’, Tyr, not when we’re working on a job for a _Diamond!_ ”

So, probably a Tyrolite, yeah?

Could technically still be a Clinotyrolite, but yeah, probably a Tyrolite. 

“Yeah, a Diamond that lives in a house made of… what even is this? Some kinda cellulose?”

“Stop diminishing my victory!”

“Yeah, Morningstar, stop diminishing her victory.”

“You victory’s made of wood, _my Agate._ ”

Castor couldn't help but laugh at that, drawing the attention of the Gems he was eavesdropping on.

Whoops.

“I thought you said she wasn't here!” hissed Morningstar.

“I didn't think she was!” insisted Laguna anxiously.

They're probably not expecting us as… well. Us.

I mean, they also called us ‘she’, but I agree. I don't know how to be a Diamond, and you…

Don't know how to be a person?

I mean, I wasn't gonna say it like that, but yeah.

It was Castor who stood up, and Steven who opened the door, giving the three Gems a friendly smile. “Hello! Sorry I was eavesdropping on you guys.”

The Agate quickly snapped into a Diamond salute, while the Bismuth did an impression of a gaping fish. “My Diamond!” greeted the Agate fearfully. “Laguna Agate Facet-12 Teardrop-AH3 reporting for duty!” She nudged the Bismuth awkwardly, and she formed a sloppy salute as well.

“I, uh- Bismuth Facet-34L Hopper-22K reporting for duty!”

“Tyrolite Facet-55E7 Automorph-S93 reporting for duty,” added a voice from below the porch. “I'd salute but I'm currently holding like, five different things in place right now.”

Steven chuckled. “You guys really don't have to salute, y’know. It’s fine.” The Bismuth sighed with relief, dropping her stiff pose, but the Agate remained as she was. Steven leaned against the windowsill, hands in his pockets. “So, I didn't hear a ton, but- you go by Laguna, yeah?” The Agate nodded. “And I'm guessing you're Morningstar.”

The Bismuth shrugged awkwardly. “It, uh, I thought it sounded nice.”

“And that leaves the one underneath us as Tyr.”

“Y’ello!”

“I'm, uncertain what I'm to call you,” admitted Laguna cautiously. “I know that you're Pink Diamond’s heir, but…”

Steven opened his mouth to simply give her his name, to introduce himself as he always had, but… it didn't feel right, not anymore. He wasn't _just_ Steven, not really. And that felt too… not _personal,_ but…

“Star,” he answered, almost surprising himself. “Star Diamond.”

Morningstar looked down at her hands, shapeshifting them into the outline of a star, then grinned at him. “Neat.”

“Eh, no offense, my Diamond, but you're kinda standing on the bit I need to get at,” noted Tyr awkwardly.

“Oh! Sorry.” Steven stepped back into the house. “I'll leave you guys to it.”

“Ah, please don’t feel you need to leave, my Diamond,” insisted Laguna. “If there’s anything you need…?”

He just shrugged, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Nope! Just wanted to see how everything was going, y’know?”

“Gimme just a sec!” interjected Tyr. Steven watched as the small but lanky teal Gem hefted herself up onto the railing, perching on a single wooden post. “Huh. You’re shorter than I expected.”

“ _Tyr!_ ”

“What? It’s true!”

“Hey, what’s up with the thing on your eye?” asked Morningstar curiously, earning her a frustrated glare from an increasingly frantic Laguna.

“ _What happened to being respectful of superiors!?_ ”

“Laguna, it’s fine,” insisted Steven patiently. “Really, it is. I’d much rather have people talk to me as, well, an actual person, rather than all the saluting and all that. And the eyepatch is… well. It’s kind of a long story, but, it’s there to help me heal, more or less.” That wasn’t quite accurate, but he wasn’t really the best person to explain the purpose of a bandage to a Gem.

“Hah! Morningstar, you owe me ten fragments,” said Tyr joyfully.

“You’re _completely_ certain it isn’t for the purpose of matching your Pearl?” asked Morningstar hopefully.

“You mean Hazel? I mean, she’s not really _mine…_ but, uh, no, that’s just a coincidence.” Steven paused as Morningstar sighed and procured ten flat coin-like slivers of metal from her pockets, handing them over to Tyr. “Is she still hanging out at the Little Homeworld?”

Laguna frowned. “You’re not keeping track of her?”

“Er, again, she’s not _mine,_ and I’ve also been dealing with some… ah. Technical difficulties. Crystal Peridot is working on it, though.”

“Mm. Well, I’ve seen her coming and going on the Warp Pad quite often, probably commuting between here and Homeworld. Helping to keep everything under wraps, and all that.” Laguna wrung her hands. “I’ll admit I am a bit curious as to what exactly it is that happened, but I shan’t ask. Official business and all that, yes?”

“...something like that,” Steven agreed.

“Of course, of course.” Laguna nodded solemnly. “Don’t worry, my Diamond. I’ll continue to trust your judgement on these things.”

* * *

Why does it hurt so much?

We’re just letting them down

They shouldn't be putting that faith in us

We’re supposed to be a Diamond…

I don't want to be like **them**

They look up to us

We don't deserve it

We should be able to do better

Why can’t-

_**There’s something grabbing our shoulder-** _

He shrieked, scrambling backwards, his claws clicking against the wood floor.

_**Run, hide, get away, not safe-** _

His shield flickered into existence for just a brief moment, fizzling into sparks.

“Castor, please-!”

Something reached for him, grabbing. He hissed, backing himself up against the wall. His body felt _wrong,_ felt like there was something missing. He wasn't safe. He wasn't safe. He-

“Hey… you're okay. See?” Someone was sitting in front of him, holding out their hands, palms up. “You're safe.”

“I… I'm… safe. I'm safe.” He could hear his heart pounding, his blood rushing. No, not blood- _ichor._

“That’s right. Do you know where you are right now?”

Castor was surrounded by static and noise. Signs and symbols flashed in and out, too fast for him to read them. “I- I don't-” He shook his head.

“That's okay. Can you tell me your name?”

“I- I'm… I'm not… I'm Castor. My name is Castor. I- I chose it. I chose it.”

“That's right. Do you know what my name is?”

Castor stared at them, blinking away the confusion. The error signs and static shaped themselves into something real. “Centipeedle. Centi. I…” He was sitting in the Temple house’s kitchen, curled up against one of the countertops.

The last few moments finally processed in his mind. He’d been leaning against the counter, thinking to Pollux, and…

“I’m sorry!” he gasped, bolting upright. “Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry- I- I could've hurt you-!”

Centi clucked in amusement. “It’s alright! I’m kind of surprised this is the first time it’s happened, really.” She helped him up onto his feet, and he tried to hide the fact that he had to hold onto the counter for support once again.

“If you’d like to wait until later to do this…?” offered Dr Maheswaran- he’d not realized it until just then, but she and Greg had been there for the whole thing.

“No!” insisted Castor. “I- I mean… I wanna just get this done and over with.”

“You’re sure, kiddo?” asked Greg, with a concerned frown. He held his hand over Castor’s shoulder, pausing, waiting for affirmation. Castor nodded slightly, and felt some of the anxiety leave him as Greg rubbed his thumb over his still-aching muscles. He nodded mutely, not trusting himself to say anything.

Pollux? Are you still there?

...yeah

I- I just need a second

...okay

Castor stayed by Greg’s side, leaning into his touch. The two of them made their way over to the couch, where Centi and Dr Maheswaran sat opposite them. “Before we begin,” said Dr Maheswaran, “how much do you recall from Pollux’s checkup?”

“Just, um… only the stuff from before we, um. Before we started arguing.” Before I got angry. “I think that was most of it, though, right?”

Dr Maheswaran nodded. “After you… ‘left’, we talked for a bit, but that was all. Would you still like me to walk you through what I’m doing?”

“...if that’s okay.”

“I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t.”

* * *

Pollux returned about halfway through the checkup, but stayed mostly dormant. Dr Maheswaran had said she wanted to see if there was a physical difference between him and Castor, and he didn’t want to alter the results.

Admittedly, Pollux did have to intervene every now and then. Many of Dr Maheswaran’s questions were a bit, _personal,_ and Castor needed him to hold his metaphorical hand through the anxiety. Once Castor revealed that Pollux was present as well, Dr Maheswaran was able to pose questions to both of them, taking note of any differences in habits and behaviors.

“Hmm.”

“...is that a bad ‘hmm’ or a good ‘hmm’?”

“Er… it’s a neutral ‘hmm’, I’d say.” Dr Maheswaran smiled even as she looked down at the Gemtech tablet in her hands, one that Peridot had designed to mimic already existing Human technology. “It seems there is a physical difference between the two of you, which, I’ll admit, I hadn’t expected. Other than the obvious difference of eye color- which doesn’t seem to have affected your vision in any way- you have a higher pulse than Pollux does, a faster rate of breathing, and, if I’m not mistaken, you seem to, well… I don’t think I ever actually saw him _blink._ ”

She paused, swiping back and forth through the pages. “I apologize if this is a sore subject, but… Castor, you described yourself as being Steven’s ‘Human half’, and Pollux his ‘Gem half’, yes?”

“Y- yeah. He- he reformed from our gemstone. I was just sort of… there.” He clutched at the fabric on his stomach, feeling the smooth facets underneath.

You’re still here

I’m still here

“I wonder if your body is responding to your respective self-images,” mused Dr Maheswaran. “Once your shapeshifting returns, I’d imagine those differences would become much more significant, both internally and externally.”

“...we were talking about that earlier, actually,” Castor noted. “About how we’d… how we’d differentiate ourselves, I guess.”

“Mm. Well, I do have some concerns that I’d like to mention before I let Centi take over for the rest of this.” She looked up, somewhere between concerned and frustrated, it seemed. “Now, while you are still a… _unique_ case, we do have plenty of records concerning other uncorrupted Gems, so we know there’s certain things to be expected- issues with focusing, or remembering things, general anxiety, short bouts of panic, and insomnia being the main ones that you’ve exhibited.”

“Centi’s already discussed with Greg and Amethyst the main treatments for most of those, but the thing I wanted to talk about is the insomnia. Now, generally this is due Gems having to get used to the concept of sleeping, but for you it’s evidently a different source. You mentioned having issues with recurring nightmares?”

“Oh. I, um…” Castor felt himself tense up, ready to go on the defensive. “It’s not a big deal- or, I mean, it’s not something new, yeah? We’ve had nightmares for years now.” That was the wrong thing to say, at least, going off of the expressions of everyone else in the room. “It’s never been a problem before, though! It was only after, um…”

“It was only after Spinel’s attack that we couldn’t deal with it.”

“It was like… now that we had some free time, all we could think about was bad stuff.” He laughed bitterly, coldly. “Like- the world is saved! Everyone’s happy now!”

“Everyone except us.”

“Everyone’s… moving on. Doing _better,_ y’know?”

“And all _we_ can do is think about stuff that happened years ago, about problems we already solved.”

...the room was silent, save for the dull crackle of Centi’s gemstone buzzing in the back of their head, mingling with the melodic hum of their own.

“...I think it’d be best if we have the second portion of the checkup in private,” said Centi quietly, standing at the foot of the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I'm a loose bolt of a complete machine_   
>  _What a match, I'm half doomed and you're semi-sweet_


	38. Baobabs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'alls get two chapters today since this one's pretty short
> 
> _You have tamed me_  
>  _Now you must take me_  
>  _How am I supposed to be?_  
>  _I don't have my thorns now_

Castor sat awkwardly on the bed, knees up to his chest, hands at his side to keep him balanced. Centi sat sideways at the other end, her spindly legs hanging off the side.

“Did, um… did we do something wrong?”

Centi sighed, closing her eye. “I’m not here to punish you,” she told them. “I want to try and help.”

“We’re fine now, though,” insisted Castor, even though he knew just how flimsy that lie was. “We’re not corrupted anymore, we- we just need to stop being angry, that’s all!”

“...does Pollux feel that way?”

“Pollux doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Castor hissed through a forced smile. “I mean, yeah, we thought we needed help before, but we’re doing-” “We’re not fine, stop lying!” “Shut up!”

“Castor, it’s okay to say you need help,” Centi pleaded. “You’re not being a burden, you’re not wasting anyone’s time.”

“...he’s not trying to lie to you,” stated Pollux quietly. “He’s trying to lie to himself.”

“I- I mean- it’s worked just fine this far!” said Castor. “We’d just, y’know, we keep smiling and being happy and being friendly and everything would be okay! If we don’t think about it then it’s not a problem!”

“And now it is,” said Pollux. “There’s nothing else for us to think about.”

“...Crazy Lace was right,” Castor mumbled. “She was saying that, because all this bad stuff happened to us before, and because we never really had time to think about it, it’s all, like, catching up to us now. And we didn’t want to say anything before, ‘cause, we didn’t want to ruin things for everyone else!”

“And _that_ turned out great,” said Pollux sarcastically. “We ended up breaking most of Little Homeworld ‘cause of it.” Castor hissed quietly at him, but didn’t say anything.

“...you’re hardly the first person to do so,” said Centi. “I… I mentioned previously that it’s possible for Gems to, ah… relapse. You might’ve been the only ones to corrupt themself initially, but, well… there’s hardly an uncorrupted Gem in the Little Homeworld that hasn’t become corrupted again.”

They looked up at her in surprise. “Wh- really? How come we never heard about it, then?”

“Well, you were on Homeworld Prime for the better part of two years, if I recall,” Centi mused. “By the time you were back on Earth consistently, we had learned how to better handle these things. Why do you think the Medical Centre has such a large store of ichors?”

“Because uncorrupted Gems can actually get injured?”

“...well, yes, that too, but that’s not my point. All of us… we were in the middle of a war. Even without the Corrupting Light, you don’t come out of that unscathed. And we spent thousands of years as, well, _monsters_.” She looked away awkwardly. “You’re not the only ones losing sleep to nightmares.”

“I- I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

“Don’t be. Please.” Centi smiled at them. “All I’m trying to say, I guess, is that we’re here to help. If it wasn’t for you, we’d still be lost, or bubbled away. You helped us, so, let us help you.”

“...is it alright if I give you a hug?”

“Absolutely. Just, ah-” Her gemstone glowed, and the spikes on her shoulders dulled down to small bony lumps. “There we go.”

“ _Thank you._ ”

* * *

Heading back downstairs had been… awkward, to say the least, but the others didn’t seem to notice. They did notice that Steven was Whole again, which- he didn’t really want to think about it too much. He was afraid that, if he did, he would split again.

He was kind of relishing the silence in his head, for once. Not as many memories and stray thoughts. Just… static.

Centi and Dr Maheswaran had had a few more questions for him, though they weren’t as prying as before. Dr Maheswaran had still needed to see if his right eye was healing, and was making sure he was keeping up on cleaning it and changing the bandage out. Steven wanted to lie and say that he was, but…

He was barely managing to get out of bed, most mornings. Just trying to eat was a chore in and of itself. Dr Maheswaran seemed irritated, at first, but a pointed glare from Centi made her sigh and simply remind Steven to do what he could.

According to her, his eye _was_ healing, but very, very slowly. On a standard Human, this kind of injury wouldn’t heal at all, so it was probably a sign that his powers were returning, albeit gradually. Centi pointed out that he had managed to nearly summon his shield earlier on, awkwardly tiptoeing around the fact that he’d done so in a moment of meaningless terror.

As a gift, Centi had given him a more long-term replacement for his bandage, one that would remain in place without the addition of tape, and had a cloth covering on the outside. Fittingly enough, it was the same pink as his usual jacket, with a white star in the centre.

Before leaving, Centi had also advised Steven to try and set up a routine for himself, as well as trying to socialize when possible. Even if he didn’t have the energy to leave the house, now that he had a functional phone, it would be good to stay in touch with his friends.

...that had been about two hours ago, now.

Less than five minutes after everyone left, Steven had been hit over the head with a deep, deep apathy, for no apparent reason other than being left alone again. Greg had said something about where he was going before he left, but Steven didn’t actually remember what it was. He could text Greg if he wanted to, but… he couldn’t bring himself to bother.

It was only when his phone buzzed angrily at him that he managed to roll over and look at it.

 **Strawberry**  
[] I’M FREE

Steven snorted, propping himself up on his elbows so he could better type.

 **steven <3**  
[] someone sounds happy

 **Strawberry**  
[] i’m about this close to throwing my textbooks into Bismuth’s lava pit  
[] if i see another sine wave im going to scream

 **steven <3**  
[] we live by the ocean?

 **Strawberry**  
[] different kind of wave  
[] this one is made of numbers and suffering  
[] but i don’t have to look at them for another week!  
[] ...in theory!

 **steven <3**  
[] yay!  
[] uh, unfortunately i'm not doing a lot better -_-  
[] Centi and your mom came over for a while, and uh  
[] apparently recurring nightmares are Very Concerning  
[] which was news to me

 **Strawberry**  
[] yikes  
[] i’m glad you talked to them about it, though

 **steven <3**  
[] yeah  
[] Centi talked with us and that was good and at some point we fused i guess because i’m here now??? which, i don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing but it sure is A Thing

 **Strawberry**  
[] that  
[] that has *got* to be confusing

 **steven <3**  
[] it sure is!  
[] because apparently i haven’t had enough existential crises yet!  
[] hooray

 **Strawberry**  
[] yayyy  
[] anyways  
[] since im gonna be back in town  
[] i was kinda wondering if you wanted me to / if it would be alright for me to stay at your place  
[] ‘cause i know it’s p much just been Amethyst and Greg there  
[] and  
[] well  
[] i guess i just wanna be around you

 **steven <3**  
[] yes! yes that would  
[] er  
[] waitthaido ntk i want to seei dontknow

 **Strawberry**  
[] uh  
[] Steven? you okay there?

 **steven <3**  
[] well that didnt last long

 **Strawberry**  
[] ???

 **steven <3**  
[] okay so in order to avoid that were just gonna take turns

 **Strawberry**  
[] oh, jeez, you split, didn’t you?  
[] i’m sorry! i figured that would be a tough question but i didn’t realize you would split over it!

 **steven <3**  
[] nonono its okay!  
[] weve split before over like  
[] really stupid stuff  
[] like, its kind of annoying??  
[] but you didnt know  
[] and we werent expecting it to last anyways

 **Strawberry**  
[] i still feel kinda bad, but thanks

 **steven <3**  
[] okay so  
[] Pollux’s reaction is an enthusiastic ‘yes’  
[] but, uh  
[] weve… not been doing great  
[] um  
[] at all  
[] ive… kinda been trying to keep people from worrying  
[] but… its been bad  
[] like  
[] ...really bad

 **Strawberry**  
[] Castor…

steven <3  
[] He doesn’t want you to see us like this.  
[] ...thats… yeah  
[] thats about accurate

 **Strawberry**  
[] ...i get that  
[] not all of it, but  
[] i get that particular feeling  
[] but  
[] you guys have seen me during exam weeks  
[] or when i’ve spent an all-nighter playing video games  
[] you were the only ones to not make fun of me when i cried over the finale of a tv show  
[] do you really think i’m going to judge you for any of this?

 **steven <3**  
[] ...its not just that  
[] its  
[] um  
[] i cant do this im sorry i  
[] He’s scared.  
[] …*we’re* scared.

 **Strawberry**  
[] of what?

 **steven <3**  
[] Hurting you.  
[] Scaring you away.  
[] It’s not a rational fear, and we know that.  
[] But knowing it’s an irrational fear doesn’t get rid of it.

 **Strawberry**  
[] i wasnt scared of you when you were corrupted  
[] i’m not going to be scared of you now

 **steven <3**  
[] ...thank you.  
[] Castor likely won’t be able to communicate for a while.  
[] Something about ‘crying happy tears for a year straight brb’.

 **Strawberry**  
[] pfft  
[] that sounds about right

 **steven <3**  
[] I’ll work on pulling out the couch for you.  
[] Dad will be very proud of being able to put the thing to good use.

 **Strawberry**  
[] i’ll see you tomorrow, then

Pollux had to stop himself from replying with, “I love you”.

He wasn’t Steven. He didn’t have the right to say that to her.

 **steven <3**  
[] See you then.

* * *

It was precisely 2:43 AM.

They still hadn’t managed to sleep. The nightmares were back, as they so often were.

Re-living the corruption, watching their body change. Seeing themselves in a mirror as their form grew and warped out of their control, as they so desperately tried to cling to any remnant of sanity.

The nightmare ended, as it always did, with them ‘waking up’ and seeing their body covered in corruption scars. Monstrous and inhuman. They would try and speak, try and call for help, but all they would ever manage was to growl and grunt and roar. Sometimes they would find someone they knew and desperately try to communicate, just to be pitied or ignored, treated like an animal.

No matter how many times the dream came, they had never found a way to convince anyone that they _weren’t_ an animal.

So now Castor and Pollux stood in their shared body, looking out onto the beach, their white nightgown fluttering around their ankles.

“We shouldn’t be doing this…” muttered Castor, his grip on the railing tightening.

“We’ve been getting more and more irritable by the moment,” said Pollux. “Fighting stuff in the Cloud Room isn’t helping, we can’t manage to distract ourselves, and you won’t let us text anyone.”

“It’s the middle of the night!”

Pollux sighed. “Let me put it this way: do you honestly have any better ideas?”

“...no. Not really.”

“Dad’s asleep. Connie’s still packing. Amethyst is quote-unquote ‘teaching’ her Sleeping 101 class.”

“I know! I know.”

“...please. We need to talk to someone. We- I don’t want to… my hands keep wandering. I need- I need-”

“...I know.” Castor sighed, and together, they climbed up onto the railing, and floated down onto the sand, barely even leaving footprints.

They turned away from the town, and ran.

Only the starlight illuminated their path.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _And I feel them sprouting_   
>  _They'll grow right through if I don't watch it_   
>  _They'll grow through even if I watch it_   
>  _And a sunset couldn't save me now_


	39. Birds of a Feather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Hey, I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room_   
>  _Calling my name and I follow just to find you_   
>  _I trace the faith to a broken down television_   
>  _And put on the weather_   
>  _And I've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause_   
>  _I've frozen time between hearses and caskets_   
>  _Lost control when I panicked at the acid test_   
>  _I wanna get better_

In the middle of a barren clearing stood a monster.

It paced back and forth in the patch of destruction it had created, its long tail brushing at the loose dirt and gravel. It huffed, looking out at its territory.

The ground was covered in scars and gouges, in boulders that had been ~~shattered~~ into pebbles and rocks. At the edge of the clearing there was a crater, filled with rainwater and grime, covered in pink and orange streaks, like burn marks.

~~She couldn’t bring herself to wipe away her own grave.~~

Jasper growled, clawing irritably at the ground beneath her paws. So much for letting the grass grow in. The kid had been right, the place had turned to useless mud as soon as the rain came in.

~~_“You were right, Jasper-”_ ~~

...she couldn’t sleep.

She hated that she needed to now, even if it was only for a few hours. It left her unprotected. Unaware.

~~It felt like she was falling, drowning, drowning, drowning, and she would be jerked back into reality. Back into her scarred and twisted form.~~

She was filled with restless, angry energy, but couldn’t bring herself to do anything with it.

~~She’d swear she could remember the sound of her own gemstone falling to fragments, and she’d hear it again with each broken boulder.~~

So for now, she simply paced, sometimes grabbing more wood for the fire, or searching for more boulders from the old quarry. It was distracting enough work.

It kept her from worrying about him.

...only a few rotations back and Jasper would have laughed at such a sentiment. But then again, she hadn’t known. She hadn’t known that her hated foe wasn’t really Rose Quartz, he wasn’t even a Quartz at all, but a _Diamond_. She hadn’t seen what could happen when-

...he may have been the one to ~~shatter~~ her. But she was the one to break him.

She took him in when he was weak and she betrayed him. She didn’t build him up but tore him down.

She thought she was doing the right thing. That wasn’t any kind of excuse, but it was the truth. She had seen his laughter, his smiles, his singing, and called them _pathetic_. So, she had helped him tear them away- he was already so ragged, so tired, he only needed a push- and thought that he would be all the stronger for it.

She was wrong.

She had made him weak.

Weak enough to ~~shatter~~ her.

 ~~She was oh, so lucky that he’d still been strong enough to save her.~~ ~~~~

Once, she would have seen him in that terrible form, with fangs and tusks that could tear through a battleship, with a roar that brought forth storms, and called him _strong._

Jasper looked down at her paws, fur stained with mud, curled claws the color of the grass below.

That had never been strength.

It was weakness. It always had been.

 _Strength_ was pulling through. _Strength_ was getting out of bed in the morning. _Strength_ was saying “I need help”. Saying “I’m not okay”. Saying “I’m sorry”. Saying “Let me help you”. Strength was laughter and joy and love.

She had laughed at him, before, for being a Diamond, yet being so weak.

He was so, _so_ much stronger than she had ever given him credit for.

...she would be proud to call him her Diamond.

“...Jasper?”

He stood at the edge of the clearing, his feet covered in lines of dried blood, mixed in with dirt and sand- and yet the dress he wore, gleaming white despite the moon’s absence, was without flaw.

“W- I wanted to, um. I wanted to talk to you.”

...for a time, all she could do was stare.

_What do I even say?_

_Should I bow to him?_

_Should I hate him?_

_I can’t turn him away_

_I don’t deserve his mercy_

Jasper stood up straight as her form shifted and her eyes opened.

“Wash your feet off first,” she barked at him.

“...huh?”

“Your feet are all gross,” she told him plainly. “I’m not having you track that into my cave.”

“...you said I couldn’t go in there.”

She shrugged. “I say a lot of things, little Diamond. Now go wash your damn feet before I change my mind.”

* * *

He let himself fall apart as he strode down to the river.

Why isn’t she mad at us?

I don’t know

We should never have come here, we should go back-

I think she wants us here

...we should stay

The water was frigid, but they didn’t mind all that much. They hadn’t realized just how much of a mistake it was to go through the forest barefoot, but, almost all of the cuts and scratches had healed up, or at least closed.

I… I don’t know

I want to stay, but-

Why is she doing this?

We- we-

We killed her

They tried to get most of the water off before they stood again, though some of the dirt still stuck to the soles of their feet- or at least, the part they were walking on. It was still far more comfortable to walk on their toes, even if it seemed they shouldn’t be able to balance.

I killed her, you mean

Pollux…

My powers, remember?

...I don’t think either of us believe that that’s true

...I don’t know anymore

The clearing wasn’t far from the river, but they still took their time, stepping gently over the sharp gravel that lined the ground.

We need to be Together again

...I wish I could still talk to you

It’s not like we’re leaving

It’s- that- that’s not how fusion works

Right?

…

...I’ll see you soon

Steven leaned against one of the stones that made up the cavern’s entrance, trying to force away the dissonance in his mind. Trying to summon up the static he so loathed. Trying to be Whole, whether he wanted to or not.

He didn’t know if Jasper knew about… about them. About _him._ He wasn’t going to push his luck.

When he had seen her cave previously, he’d always assumed it was just as barren on the inside as the out. That the only purpose of it was to keep out the rain. But when he pulled away the hanging tarp, his dark claws curling around its edge, he saw a brief slope, and the flickering of candlelight.

The inside was surprisingly spacious, far more so than the entrance might lead you to believe. The walls were mostly packed clay, with claw-marked niches dug out to make space for wax candles. There was a hole in the roof, slanted so that no rain could get in, but the smoke could get out, keeping the place from filling with it. Most of the ceiling was decorated with sloppy, threadbare quilts, obviously made by ameteur but passionate hands- all reds and oranges, ochres and browns.

The floor was covered with them as well, but these ones were much thicker, stuffed and padded, and kept surprisingly clean. There was something akin to a window, as well, a pane of rough-hewn glass, looking out onto the forest that sloped below, and next to it, a fireplace. A pair of carved stones held up a metal spit, from which hung a black iron bucket. Above that, on the red-brick wall, hung a bear’s skull, marred with faint scratches.

There was even what could be seen as a living area, with moth-eaten pillows arranged around a flat stone that sat flat on the ground. The place was… _cozy,_ in a way.

“You actually gonna come in or are you just gonna stand there all night?” Jasper’s song was a lazy drawl, but Steven could still pick out the notes of anxiety and apprehension. Even her gemstone hummed with nervous energy, a thick tension covered up with forced apathy.

“Jasper, this is… this is…” He couldn’t find the right words, especially not ones that she’d actually appreciate.

“Not a barren hovel?” Jasper finished, removing the iron bucket with her bare hands, and setting it down on the flat stone that could almost be a table. “Eh. Kinda wish it still was, sometimes.” She grabbed a pair of mismatched fired-clay bowls, scooping out some of the water, and handing one of them to Steven. “Turns out I wasn’t as good at hiding as I thought. That or I just gave up trying. Dunno which one. Don’t really care. One of the Rubies gave me a blanket as a gift for some reason. Thing was a piece of shale, but I didn’t have anything better to do with it. She told a few other people where I was. Somebody brought me some candles for some reason. Everything else I found or I made.”

“It suits you,” said Steven honestly, rubbing a thumb across the edge of the clay bowl. “It’s nice, but it’s not lavish. It’s… _yours._ ”

“Mm.”

The fireplace crackled and sparked, the smoke outside the window moving straight up towards the sky, unmoved by any wind. Crickets chirped. In the distance, something howled.

“I wanted to-”

“I just-”

Steven and Jasper spoke up in tandem, and paused awkwardly in tandem as well, staring at each other. Jasper looked hesitant, so Steven gestured towards her, prompting her to speak.

“I wanted to say… I, uh…” She turned away from him, her pine-green claws flexing in and out. “I’m not very good at this,” she muttered.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m- I’m-” Jasper sighed, deflating, and the tension fell with the falling of her shoulders. “...I’m sorry.”

“... _you’re_ sorry!?”

Jasper’s gaze snapped back up to Steven, who was looking at her with some mixture of shock, amusement, and disbelief. “ _You’re_ apologizing to _me?_ ” he asked, almost laughed. “I- I- _what!?_ This is- I’m going crazy. I’ve lost it. _I killed you!_ ”

“Yeah.”

“I _killed_ you, and you’re _apologizing_ to me.” He shook his head, one hand rubbing at a spot between his forehead and his temple. “ _Why?_ ”

“...because I was too scared to do it myself.”

“ _...what?_ ”

Jasper’s answer seemed to surprise her, as well, and she stared into her bowl, brows drawn together. “I don’t belong here anymore,” she said. “Even in Era Two I didn’t belong. Just an artifact from a war that’s been all but forgotten to myths and propaganda. I wasn’t sent out on missions or assignments. It was like I was some grand trophy.” She huffed. “I jumped at the chance to do something when the expedition to Earth came around. I just wanted to be _useful_ again, ‘cause I didn’t know how to be anything else.”

Steven didn’t interrupt, but hummed quietly- a soft pluck of an old banjo, the buzz of working machinery. He knew her meaning far, far too well.

“Now… now it’s the same thing all over again. Except now…” She gestured to her feet, her cloven hooves, the same pine-green as her claws. “Everyone always held me up as the absolute ideal of what a Jasper could be. Agates and Celestines and Seraphinites would jump at the chance to have me work for them- well, to be able to show me off, really. Last time I tried goin’ near the Little Homeworld, ended up scaring the daylight out of some random Agate. Turns out, defining yourself as being ‘perfect’ doesn’t go great when you’re not so perfect anymore.”

“...I always defined myself as being a good person,” Steven mused. “As being someone who helped people. When I- when you… when we fought, I think that’s kinda when I snapped. I just wanted to run away.”

Jasper nodded, taking a brief sip of her water. Steven wondered briefly if it was actually just water or if she’d tried to make some kind of tea out of it- and if so, whether or not he was willing to risk tring some. “I tried leaving Earth at first. Just made things worse. I tried talking with people I knew but they’d pretend they’d never met me. Like I was beneath them.” She paused in her words, her song remaining- deep, rolling drums, and the screech of metal, drawn out into a scream that seemed to forever rise in pitch, yet always stayed the same. “If I were the religious type I’d say the Goddesses were balancing my fates.”

“...people talk about ‘goddesses’ a lot,” said Steven, too curious to stop himself from drawing the conversation onto a tangent. “What is that about?”

Jasper looked at him curiously. “You were raised by a Pearl, weren’t you?”

“Well, yeah, but I don’t know what that has to do with anything.”

“Huh.” She played idly with her fangs, her tongue pushing them around in their sockets. “Way back, before Era One, people believed that ideas had souls, more or less. That there was some higher power presiding over certain concepts. The Diamonds probably would’ve called the whole thing treason, but then they went with it and said they were goddesses too. There’s a bunch of ‘em, probably hundreds, even if you don’t count ones that preside over specific types of Gems. After my Dia- after Pink Diamond’s ‘death’, the idea fell outta practice.”

“...I guess I never really knew Gems had that kind of thing,” Steven said. “Garnet and Pearl didn’t really want me knowing much about Homeworld or any of that. I think they were scared I wouldn’t realize how bad it had been for them. What does that have to do with Pearl, though?”

“...Pearls are the only reason anyone remembers the Goddesses,” said Jasper. “They held onto the idea like a lifeline. Any kind of ‘culture’ that managed to make it through Era Two? All ‘cause of Pearls. Even the idea of Names only held out ‘cause of them.” She paused. “I think they came up with ‘em, too.”

“I thought you didn’t like Pearls.” There’s no judgement behind the statement, just a curiosity, maybe even a bit of hope.

“I don’t like Pearls on a battlefield,” argued Jasper. “Or, well… I didn’t. But then again, I never had any problem doing what I was built for. I never fought against my programming.” She tapped a claw idly against her bowl. “Guess that’s why I could never do it.”

“Never do what?”

Jasper looked up at him, her expression flat, unreadable. Her eyes were still the same fiery gold as always, but in the flickering firelight, Steven could see the way her pupils had changed- they were slitted like a cat’s, the predatory gaze that was always with her ever the stronger.

“Kill myself.”

She said it so plainly, so simply, that it took a moment for Steven to even process the weight of her words.

“I was a Jasper without a Diamond,” she continued, just as casually. “I was _obsolete_. There was nothing left for me to do. I was pointless.”

“ _...no-one needs you anymore,_ ” whispered Steven. “ _There’s no reason for you to be here anymore. So… why are you still here?_ ”

“What?”

“...a dream I had. When I… when I was…” He trailed off, staring at his hands. “It wasn’t quick for me. The corruption. It took days for me to change. I… I think I went mad, somewhere along the way. I’m not really sure. But I had a dream where… I didn’t know it at the time, but, I was seeing myself. What… what I was turning into. And… that’s what it asked me. And I didn’t have any kind of answer.”

Jasper’s wordless song was smoother now, almost calming, the metal noise replaced by the growl of an electric guitar- a curious juxtaposition against the low-tech surroundings. “Do you have one now?”

“...I don’t know.” Steven looked up at her hopefully. “How- how did you… what made you change your mind?”

“About dying?”

“Yeah.”

“I died.”

“ _...oh._ ”

Jasper chuckled as his expression fell. “Yeah, have fun replicating that one, little Diamond. But, uh… kinda feels like it’d just be a waste, now, y’know?” She sighed, staring out the rough-hewn glass. “I dunno what I’m gonna do, still. I… I want to protect you. I’m a Jasper, it’s what we do. But your Pearl- the Renegade Pearl- she’s been watching the place like a- uh- what’s the thing? The bird thing with sharp feet.”

“...a hawk?”

“Yeah, that one. I’ve met her in battle before, I don’t fancy my chances against her when she’s protecting her kin.”

“I… I haven’t actually seen her in a while,” Steven mused. “I think she and Garnet have been avoiding me. I… I don’t know why. I don’t know if they’re anxious or if they’re guilty or if they’re _afraid_ of me-”

“They should be,” said Jasper. “Or at least respect you.”

“...I don’t want anyone to be scared of me. I… I don’t like it when people act like, if they’re not bowing and scraping, I’m gonna shatter them!”

He couldn’t help but see the way her breath caught in her throat, the way her claws carved holes into the ground beneath, the way her pupils shrank and her gaze went blank. “I- I’m sorry- I- I’m so sorry-”

“Don’t- don’t…” She shook her head. “Don’t say that word.”

“I won’t. I- I won’t.”

“...I hate this,” she grumbled. “Asking for help. Being a- a-”

“A burden.”

“...yeah.”

“...I think I have the same thing with, um, the word ‘starlight’,” said Steven, his song becoming discordant as it moved over that last word. “It- it was what White called me. What she called Mo- what she called Rose. And- and- people touching my gem. Or just touching me unexpectedly, I think.” He paused. “I- I keep feeling like I have to be ready to fight all the time, and, everything feels like it could be a threat? So even if it’s just someone tapping my shoulder I end up reacting like I’m gonna have to fight for my life.”

“I thought you liked all that touchy-feely stuff?”

“I used to! And I still do, if I know it’s coming. But when it just _happens,_ it- I freak out. Centi said it was because of the corruption, but… I don’t think it is.”

“...I hate being trapped, or pinned,” Jasper admitted. “If I can’t move, I can feel the chains around my wrists again.”

“...oh.”

He had pinned her in place with the diamond-shaped shields.

She had looked terrified before he’d even attacked.

“Don’t apologize.”

“But-”

“Start apologizing again and I’m kicking you out.”

Steven laughed. “There’s the Jasper I know!” He yawned into his elbow, setting down the untouched bowl of water. “Gosh, I should really get back to the house… people are gonna get worried.”

“...I’ll tell Crystal Pearl you’re here,” offered Jasper.

“Really?”

“ _Don’t mention it,_ ” she growled, and Steven was sure she meant it quite literally.

“...I won’t tell anyone about- about all this,” he promised her.

“About me being _soft?_ ” she spat.

“Yes,” he said gently. “Because I know how brave you’re being right now.”

He could’ve sworn he almost saw Jasper smile, just out of the corner of his eye. “Go the fuck to sleep, my Diamond.”

“...you too...”

My Jasper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Woke up this morning early before my family_   
>  _From this dream where she was trying to show me_   
>  _How a life can move from the darkness_   
>  _She said to get better_   
>  _So I put a bullet where I shoulda put a helmet_   
>  _And I crash my car 'cause I wanna get carried away_   
>  _That's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself_   
>  _Hey!_   
>  _I wanna get better!_


	40. Mirror Image

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I sat alone, in bed till the morning_   
>  _I'm crying, "They're coming for me"_   
>  _And I tried to hold these secrets inside me_   
>  _My mind's like a deadly disease_

He wakes with a startled gasp, throwing off his covers. The harsh sunlight burns its way through the window, but there’s only a white void outside.

...he’s dreaming.

For once, he’s actually _aware_ of it. Connie had told him once that for most people, lucid dreaming was something they had to learn, but it had always been the norm for him- up until the nightmares came. With those, it was up in the air whether or not he knew that the twisted memories being played in front of him were just images in his head.

He sighs, closing his eyes, his fists clenched beside him. Already he can feel the dagger-like claws, the rough scales, the tail behind him.

He doesn’t remember moving, but he’s standing in front of the mirror now.

There’s nothing left of him.

His face has been replaced by a squarish snout, adorned with sharp teeth and tusks. He tries to speak, but can’t. He traces a claw gently over his cheek, staring helplessly. His diamond eyes stare back, pupils glowing white.

He was in his pyjamas before. He’s in his usual clothes now. He doesn’t remember getting dressed.

The house is empty. There’s no-one here but him. There’s a clock ticking loudly somewhere. The waves crash against the shore in a broken loop, the same noise repeating.

There’re mirrors everywhere.

“I just can’t do this anymore,” says Connie, standing before him, her arms wrapped around herself. “I- I tried, I really did, but-”

He keeps walking, and her choking sobs fade against the waves.

_It’s not real. She’s not here. None of this is real._

There’s a clock ticking loudly somewhere.

The waves crash against the shore.

He’s watching himself from outside of his body. His pink jacket somehow remains in one piece despite the bony thorns that grow from him. He’s standing on the beach, looking out at the water. His clawed feet dig into the cold sand.

“...Steven? Is- is that you?”

Connie is standing in the distance, wearing her dad’s jacket, her sword strapped to her back. She looks the same as she did when they went to Homeworld, and yet-

“...Connie?”

Steven’s voice is ragged, broken, but it’s there, and-

And he’s still a monster but she’s hugging him tightly, and he’s no longer just watching, and he can feel her warmth. They pull back, and she’s no longer a child, but almost exactly how he remembers her, wearing a long teal dress and a pair of slippers. “We’re dreaming,” she mutters to herself. “Why- why do you look…?”

“Nightmare,” he replies hoarsely.

“Oof.” She grimaces, and he can’t help but laugh at her reaction. If there was any doubt that this was the real Connie, it was gone now. “I, uh… was kinda in the same boat. I… I was back in White’s head. You pulled me out of it before- before anything bad happened.”

“That’s good.”

“...Steven-”

“I can’t change back,” he rasps, pulling away from her touch. “Trying to, but- I can’t.”

“...okay.”

He blinks at her, and she just shrugs.

“I mean, I don’t really care? You’re still you, y’know?”

“...oh.”

Connie just laughs. “I’m guessing this was something you were really worried about?” He nods somberly. “Steven, even if you did look like this, if this wasn’t a dream, I would still- I would still want to be your friend.” She changes her sentence midway, blushing. “You’re probably gonna hate me saying this, but- when I saw you, just before you, uh, kinda lost it, I was freaked out at first, but- when I realized you were still you, or, well, part of you, at the time, I… you looked kinda cute, actually.”

“...really?”

“Yeah! I mean-” She blushes even brighter now, tucking a stray bit of hair behind her ear. “I know it was really scary for you, and, I don’t want to belittle that, but-” She stops suddenly, hearing a noise that he can’t. “I’m waking up now- I’ll see you soon, I promise!”

She fades into motes of light.

There’s a clock ticking loudly somewhere.

The waves crash against the shore.

_Cute_

He looks down at his hands, at the curling black claws.

He smiles, and his laughter humms against his throat like the purring of a cat.

* * *

Steven was still in Jasper’s cave when he woke up, his good eye buried into a pillow. From the blurry sliver of vision he still had he could see someone moving around, but… it didn’t seem big enough to be Jasper. The smell of tea, scented with honey and coffee grounds, filled the room, and…

“ _Pearl?_ ”

Her startled chirp confirmed it, even before Steven managed to prop himself up. “You’re awake! I, I’ll-” She looked around the room nervously. “I’ll, ah, just leave you be-”

“No, don’t!” He sat up straight, ignoring the rush of blood. “You don’t have to leave. Please.”

“...I shouldn’t stay here,” said Pearl quietly, hands clasped in front of her. “I… I’ve just been making things worse.”

“That’s not true-”

“You don’t need to lie to me,” she told Steven politely. “I tried to isolate you, I overwhelmed you, I… I’m the reason you can’t even see out of your right eye.”

“That isn’t-”

“I’m not going to risk hurting you further, so, I’m just going to continue to keep my distance-”

“ _Would you just listen to me!?_ ” Steven clambered to his feet, standing very nearly on eye level with Pearl due to the sloping of the cavern floor. “It’s just- even before all of this, I- you’re either constantly hovering over me and treating me like a little kid, or you’re just, not there at all! I’m not a child anymore, but, that doesn’t mean you can just completely drop off the radar and not care! I just-” He gestured widely, and froze the moment he saw just a snippet of his reflection- of the pink glow that was threatening to spread past his cheeks.

The pink faded swiftly, but the image of it was already burned in his head. “I- I’m so sorry, I- oh stars, I- I could’ve-” Steven put a hand to his mouth, stepping backwards, stumbling a moment over a stray blanket.

“No, no, you-” Pearl pursed her lips, still keeping her distance from him. “You have every right to be angry-”

“Not when it could really _hurt_ someone!”

“That’s… _fair,_ but not what I meant. You’re… you’re right. I didn’t…” She looked away. “I was so sure you’d be angry at me for- for what I did-”

“I… it’s… complicated. I’m… frustrated, I think is the right word? But I’m not _angry._ ”

“But- your eye…”

Steven almost laughed. “Wait, that’s the thing you thought I’d be mad about?”

“Well- yes!”

“Pearl, it was an accident! Like, yeah, it hurt, but… I was kind of… attacking everyone. You guys were all doing your best.” Steven rubbed his arm awkwardly. “I don’t know why my eye’s the only thing that didn’t heal, but… I know you didn’t mean it.”

“...that doesn’t mean it’s okay.”

“No, it doesn’t, but… I’m saying that it is.”

“...we should get going, soon enough. I don’t want the others to worry.”

Steven nodded, following Pearl’s lead out of the cavern. “Hey, uh- where’s Jasper? Seeing as this is kind of, y’know, her house.”

Pearl shrugged. “Heck if I know. After she came to tell me where you’d gone, she just, up and left.”

“...should we be concerned about that?”

“...probably not?”

“...oh.”

* * *

There were a lot of aspects to being half-Gem that Steven had to make an effort to not take for granted- simply because they’d become so normalized to him- but one thing that Connie had drilled into him as being incredibly useful was a Gem’s ability to see in much lower light than Humans. She’d seen the way his eyes reflected the light (something that should have shown the shape of his pupils if not for some detail of his form his mother had been certain to pass on) and went on a long discussion about cat’s eyes. Steven hadn’t actually understood much of it, if any, but that wasn’t nearly as important as how happy Connie had been to talk about it.

...she was staying here.

She was really, truly, staying here, even if just for the week.

Greg was staying, too, and Pearl, and Amethyst- they were all here now. Amethyst had been on her way to chase after Pearl when they’d arrived back at the beach house, and was currently taking a nap in a sunbeam on the floor.

Steven closed the curtains over the window into his bedroom. The room was already dark, most of the light coming from the cloudy sky, and without that, the only light source was a dim lamp in the corner. His eyes- well, _eye-_ adjusted quickly, though, and in a few blinks it was hard to tell that the light level had changed at all.

He pulled off his nightgown, tossing it on the ground in the vague direction of his hamper. He’d have to clean some stuff off the floor in a moment anyways, so he wasn’t gonna bother trying to aim, what with his lack of depth perception.

He threw on a (probably) clean pair of sweatpants, began browsing through his shirts, then gave up and went with the first one he saw that actually looked comfortable. He made sure to put on a headband that matched, though- just because he was depressed didn’t mean he didn’t still have some sense of aesthetic.

...that was probably what it was, at least. It fit how other people had described it, before. The exhaustion, the apathy, the- no, no, he didn’t want to _kill_ himself though!

Right?

It- it wasn’t _like_ that! He was just _tired,_ he didn’t hate himself- well, he _did,_ but- it was different! He really _had_ messed up, he _knew_ that, and- he fixed it, though! Jasper was okay, and so was everything else, he- he just needed a bit more time to get better!

“I’m okay,” he muttered to himself, running his hands through his hair. “I- I’m getting better!” He looked at himself in the mirror, and- had his freckles always been that color, that warm magenta? Had his claws always been that dark?

...well. He couldn’t expect to come out of his corruption without any ‘scars’, could he?

But that was okay! It was barely noticeable, and, it kinda looked nice!

Steven beamed at his reflection. He was doing better. Once his eye healed up, things could go back to normal- better than normal, even!

“I should probably make sure to clean it like Dr Maheswaran said,” he mused, not minding that he was talking to himself- that was fine too, it had always been fine, even if his head still felt quiet- _no, no, don’t think about that, it’s **fine-**_

Steven hadn’t actually seen what it looked like, but since Greg and Dr Maheswaran hadn’t been grossed out by it, it was probably healed on the outside already. So, casually, he took off the pink eyepatch

_and_

his breath stopped in his chest, his heart pounding

_and_

he reached out to touch the mirror, his other hand pulling at the skin of his cheek

_and_

__

a diamond eye stared back, pupil glowing white.

“ _ **NO!**_ ”

The mirror broke- _shattered-_ under the force of Steven’s scream. He fell backwards against the foot of the bed, arms shielding him against the glass.

“No,” he whimpered, staring back at the shards that remain, his broken reflection staring back at him. “No, this- this- this isn’t _happening-!_ ”

“Steven!?” Pearl’s anxious song was muffled by the door, and he could hear the faint sounds of her claws tapping against the wood. “Are you alright? I-” She paused, cutting herself off. “I won’t come in if you don’t want me to, but, I just want to make sure you’re not hurt.”

“I- I’m not-” He couldn’t bring himself to finish his statement. He still sat there, rocking back and forth, wanting some semblance of control, his hands clutched over his mouth, as if it was he who’d been given the geas instead of Pearl. “I- I can’t-”

“...I’m going to come in now,” she told him softly. “I- I just need to make sure you’re not injured. I’ll go right back out if you want me to.” He couldn’t find the words to argue with her, falling back on the sound of his own song. His only reply was a soft, affirmative note, the strum of a guitar to mirror her own gentle violins.

He didn’t look up to see her come in, but could hear the faint creak of his door, and the crunching of glass underfoot. “Oh, Steven…” His heart melted at the sound of her song, any guilt overridden by an unrelenting need for comfort. When her arms wrapped around his shoulders, her gemstone buzzing softly near the top of his head- that was when the sobs finally broke through.

“I- I don’t want to be like _them-_ ” he choked out, holding tightly onto Pearl’s arms. She didn’t flinch or pull away, his strength still so little that it was barely anything to her. “I- I was just- Dr Maheswaran said that- that, um- that I needed to clean my eye more often? So um, so that it doesn’t get infected or something, and, and she left me some stuff to help with that, and, um, I- I saw what it looked like in the mirror, and…” He looked up at her, his diamond eye displayed for all the world to see.

Pearl sighed, sitting down next to him, ignoring the crackling of the broken glass. “I… I’m sorry. I know this must be… well, I suppose ‘terrifying’ doesn’t really cover it, does it? But… for what it’s worth… I don’t think that- that _this,_ means anything. I’d bet you that once you’re healed all the way, it’ll look just the same as before.”

“...it’s not just that eye. It- both my eyes, it’s like that, I just- I just couldn’t see it, before? And- and I could just kind of, ignore it, but…”

“...You’re not them. You know that, right? You’re nothing like them.”

Steven didn’t say anything, just hummed quietly, leaning against Pearl as she wrapped an arm around him. “We’ll have to get up eventually, you know.”

“...I think I got some of the glass in my feet,” Steven admitted quietly. “It really stings. I thought I just got a cut or something but it’s not going away.”

“Oh! Oh dear. Ah…” Pearl stood up carefully, looking around the room, thinking. “Could I lift you up onto the bed a moment? I know you can walk just fine, but if there is something embedded there I don’t want to push it in further.” Steven nodded, and Pearl lifted him up with ease, setting him down carefully. “Hmm. There’s… quite a bit of blood, but no open wounds, and there doesn’t seem to be anything stuck…” She summoned a first-aid kit from her gemstone, and removed some scissors and gauze before putting the rest away. “If there is something, it’ll be small enough for your body to be able to deal with it, but it might start bleeding again if that’s the case.”

“...thank you for not freaking out,” said Steven quietly, as Pearl began her careful work.

“It’s… hard not to,” she admitted. “But I understand the feeling. I’ve had more than a few people become utterly frantic if I was damaged even the slightest bit in battle- I mean, I won’t deny that I’m far from the hardiest Gem, but I’m not going to dissipate from the equivalent of a paper cut!” Steven laughed and grinned, trying not to jostle his feet too much, and Pearl smiled, before sighing. “I’m… I really am sorry.”

“ _...what?_ ” Steven’s eyes were wide in disbelief, but Pearl was looking away from him.

“For- for everything. For not being there when you needed it, for trying to isolate you in my overprotectiveness… I- I know that I’ve done wrong.” She wrung her hands anxiously in her lap. “Amethyst relayed Centi’s theory that, that your… your _corruption_ was caused by- by the things you went through, before. And… I was part of that. I was the main reason why you had to choose between living with us and living with your father. I… I couldn’t see you without seeing _her,_ and- I acted like… like you had to _be_ her.”

“...Pearl… I… _thank you._ ” Steven’s tears dripped down his cheeks, one of them falling onto a still-open cut on his hand, repairing it in moments. “You never… you would admit you’d done wrong, or stop doing something, but- you and Garnet, you never _apologized_. I would say it all the time, y’know? I still do, I think it’s just a habit by now. I-” He sniffled. “I just wanted to know that I wasn’t the one in the wrong, I think? I- I don’t know- I’m-” He cut himself off with a shake of his head, before launching himself onto Pearl’s shoulders. “ _I forgive you,_ ”

“I-” He could feel her own tears falling down onto the back of his neck. “You don’t have to,” she told him, already choking up.

“I’m still kind of mad at you,” Steven admitted. “And- and I’m still gonna say something- or try to, at least- when you mess up, yeah? But… I love you. I really do.” He paused, listening to the static- listening as it faded into a familiar background noise. “ _We_ love you.”

That was enough to bring the waterworks, it seemed, but he didn’t care- getting his shirt soaked with tears and snot was more than worth the emotional release both he and Pearl needed. The noise was enough to concern Amethyst, as she briefly poked her head into the room. Pearl thankfully didn’t notice when Steven sent the purple Gem off with a thumbs up. Amethyst just grinned, sending back a thumbs up of her own.

How long do you think this is going to take?

_Don’t care_

We needed this

Pearl was able to calm down soon enough, looking thoroughly embarrassed when she saw the state of Steven’s clothing. “It’s alright,” he told her. “I, uh, I _am_ gonna need to change, though.”

“I’ll grab you something from your closet,” she told him. “Don’t get off the bed just yet! I don’t want you damaging your feet again.” She tossed him a clean shirt, and summoned a broom and dustpan from her gemstone.

“Oh, hey! I’d forgotten we had this!” Steven held up a t-shirt that was a bit big on him even now, one that had once been black but had begun to fade, along with the Cookie Cat image on the front. “It’s the one Dad got me for my sixteenth birthday, remember? It was the only one he could find ‘cause it was a limited edition thing.”

“I didn’t even realize you _had_ so many different clothes,” mused Pearl as she checked the floor of the closet for any stray bits of glass.

“Yeah, well, uh… we kinda… ripped up my jacket,” said Steven awkwardly. “What’s left of it’s somewhere in the forest, I think.”

“Ah. Well- I’m sure we can find it again, and I can patch it up for you!”

“...it was also covered in a lot of blood. And I don’t think that comes out in the wash.”

“...oh.”

“Yeah.”

Pearl hummed in understanding, her melodic song accompanied by rhythmic strikes of metal, the sound of a practiced swordfight that was more of a dance than a battle. She swept the final bits of glass onto the dustpan, pouring them into the garbage bin that sat next to the door.

“This, ah- this isn’t meant as an excuse for my absence, but… while I was… _away,_ I’ve been… oh, this is hard to say. Well, do you remember Sheena?”

Steven frowned. “Uh… I don’t think so…”

“Oh! Well, you wouldn’t’ve known her name then- she was the Human girl I met when we went to that concert.”

“Oh, yeah, her!” Steven mostly remembered her as ‘the one who looked suspiciously like Rose’, but decided not to say that.

“She, ah-” Pearl laughed nervously. “At the time, the thing that drew me to her- though I didn’t realize it later- was how much she reminded me of Rose…”

“ _Oh stars I thought that was just me._ ”

“I’ve been since informed that I have ‘a type’.”

“No kidding.”

“Mm. Well… I didn’t really talk to anyone about this- I wanted to keep it private, I suppose- but I reconnected with her, and…” Pearl blushed even brighter now. “We really hit it off! She… I never realized I could connect like that with someone that wasn’t another Gem, someone who didn’t go through the war with me, but…” She bit her lip. “The thing is, we’ve both been able to help each other, and… when I realized just how much I was falling apart, I… I went to her.”

Steven stiffened. “She- she knows about…?”

“...I didn’t know who else to turn to.” She sighed, sitting on a stool that had been neatly placed into a corner. “I realized all of a sudden that, it had always been you that I’d leant on. That I’d placed my problems on.”

“...I guess I wish you’d’ve asked me, but… we weren’t really in a good place for that kind of thing,” Steven admitted. “I’m glad you found someone, though.”

“That’s the thing I wanted to mention, actually,” said Pearl, brightening. “She discussed the idea of seeing a therapist, and, while I initially balked at the idea, apparently such a thing is considered much more socially acceptable than it once was. It’s… it’s not something you do as an act of desperation. It’s something you do when you need _help._ She’s helped me better understand myself, in a way- I’ve only been seeing her since… _you know…_ and it’s certainly been hard work, but...”

“Are… are there Gem therapists?” asked Steven. “I can’t imagine any Humans outside of Beach City who would hear, y’know, ‘I turned into a giant monster and found out I’m actually two people’ and not immediately write us off as crazy.”

“It’s a good thing there’s one that lives quite nearby, then,” said Pearl. “A Dr Brooks, located over in Ocean Town. Sheena apparently knew of her through a shared friend, and came with me to verify my story, but she didn’t need to. She… she’s been helping me far more than I expected,” she admitted, brushing away a stray hair that wasn’t there. “It’s been… difficult. Very difficult. But… I’ve been doing _better._ ”

“...you want me to see her.”

“...I want you to think about it. I won’t force it, and if you’d prefer we not discuss this further, I won’t push. But I _do_ want you to consider it.”

“...okay.” Steven nodded. “We will.”

* * *

Steven couldn’t bring himself to head back downstairs, still, not with how many people there were. It was odd- he’d always loved having people around, was always wanting to have any bit of interaction, and, now that he had it? It just made him all the more anxious.

He did text Connie to inform her of all this, though, and asked her to tell the others for him. She agreed on the condition that she be allowed to at least check in on him and make sure he wasn’t just wallowing in self-pity.

Admittedly, he kind of was, but agreed anyways.

“You still in there?” came Connie’s voice through the door, following a brief knock.

“Yeah,” answered Steven, his song a tired drawl of strings and synths as he continued to look down at the mirror in his hands. Connie opened the door cautiously, taking note of the broken mirror before sitting down on the bed next to him. “...how much did Pearl tell you guys?”

“Something about your eyes being all Diamond-y, and you breaking the mirror when you freaked out and screamed.”

“...at least I know my powers are coming back, I guess,” Steven muttered, fidgeting with the mirror in his hands, not looking up.

“Well, that’s good,” said Connie with a half-hearted smile, though she didn’t keep it up for long. “...this is really scaring you, isn’t it?”

“What if I end up just like them?” Steven asked. “What if this is just the beginning?”

“Steven-”

“I just- I keep hurting people, or almost hurting them! I started glowing pink again just because I was arguing with Pearl!”

“Yes, but you care!” Connie insisted. “The Dia- the other Diamonds, they didn’t care if they hurt people, but you do!”

“I didn’t care when I was corrupted.”

“You weren’t in your right mind, no-one’s blaming you for that.”

“It still happened! Everyone was in danger because I couldn’t control my powers,” Steven argued, “and now that they’re coming back it’s gonna happen all over again, and I don’t know how to stop it!”

Connie sighed. “I… I’m not gonna lie, I’m scared about that too. But I think it’s a lot different this time, you know? You know what to look for if the corruption comes back, and we know how to heal you before it gets to a point where you’re not in control.”

“But what if-!”

“Steven, worrying about that kind of thing isn’t gonna help!” said Connie. “Trust me- that one I know from a _lot_ of personal experience. Maybe… maybe for now, just worry about right now, okay?”

“...yeah. I- um… yeah.”

“...are you gonna be up for heading back downstairs? It’s okay if you’re not, I’m just gonna have to grab my phone from the couch a sec.”

Steven shrugged. “I, uh… I think I'm okay for now? I’m gonna go grab the patch Centi gave me though. I… it feels kinda weird not having it? And I think I'm supposed to keep it on.”

“You take your time, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I paced around for hours on empty_   
>  _I jumped at the slightest of sounds_   
>  _And I couldn't stand the person inside me_   
>  _I turned all the mirrors around_


	41. Impostor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> par·a·gon  
> /ˈperəˌɡän/  
> noun  
> A person or thing regarded as a perfect example of a particular quality.
> 
> A person or thing viewed as a model of excellence.
> 
> A perfect diamond.

The first thing Connie registered upon waking up was that she wasn’t sleeping in her own bed, either in her house or in her dorm, but rather, on the couch in the Temple House.

The second thing she registered was that it was already morning, and that she’d apparently slept in- though that wasn’t surprising, with her sleeping in a different bed. The blinds were shut, keeping the room dark, but the sun still shone through the cracks.

The third thing, and the most startling, was the glowing pink eye staring at her silently.

“GAH!”

She yelped, jolting upright, and made a valiant effort to shove her possible attacker away, and-

“Ow.”

Connie stopped. “...Pollux?”

Pollux hummed in confirmation, giving a small wave.

“Why are you watching me while I sleep?”

“...I didn’t want to wake you up.”

Connie groaned, flopping back down onto her pillows. “Well I’m awake now. You’re lucky I left most of my knives at home.”

“Pearl can lend you some if you want.”

“That’s… that’s not what I meant, but thanks? I think?”

Pollux just stared at her.

“Um… are you doing okay? You seem kind of out of it.”

“...I don’t really know how to talk to people,” he admitted awkwardly. “I think I just kind of ramble when I’m anxious, but otherwise…”

“You don’t know what to say?”

“Mm.”

Connie made a face of mock horror. “Oh god. I’m the extrovert friend now and _you’re_ the shy one. The tables have turned.”

“...do you remember when we- when Steven first tried to talk to you?” mused Pollux. “And I kind of ran away yelling because we tripped or something?”

“Oh yeah, you were trying to ride a bike on the sand or something, right?”

“Castor and I realized recently that we’ve been doing this sort of, back-and-forth thing for a long while, actually, even though we didn’t know it. I tended to take over for missions and the like, things where we needed to use our powers. But any kind of social situation, it was usually him.”

Connie frowned. “Wait- are you saying I didn’t actually meet _Steven_ when we first met, it was actually Castor?” Pollux just shrugged. “That… huh. Well, if Castor got the social skills, you got whatever common sense Steven has, I’m guessing.”

“...Castor would like me to tell you that he’s very annoyed but also that you’re probably right.”

“So, is there any reason you were waiting for me to wake up?” Connie asked, after a yawn and a long stretch.

“Peridot has invited me to her Secret Lair and I wanted to know if you’d like to come,” said Pollux. “I’ve already let Pearl and Amethyst know where I’m going and Dad is driving me there.”

Connie frowned. “Aren’t you gonna have to get through the Little Homeworld first? I mean, there’s gonna be a _lot_ of people there…”

“The lair has a back entrance,” Pollux explained. “Hazel Pearl will also be there. She wanted to talk with Peridot and I about something.” He paused. “Me and Peridot,” he corrected.

Connie yawned again. “I think I’m gonna try and wake up properly first? But don’t wait up for me. I’ll text you if I’m gonna head over there, yeah?”

Pollux hummed in affirmation, his synthetic song patterned with a chiptune orchestra. As he left the room, Connie realized that his footsteps never made a sound.

* * *

The back entrance to the greenhouse was still attached to the outer wall of the Little Homeworld, and Pollux wasn’t going to risk walking all the way there- partially because he didn’t want to be spotted, and partially because he wasn’t entirely certain he could manage to get there on his own.

Thankfully, Greg had been willing to drive him there, as his van was staying parked out on the sand in front of the Temple house, in part because of the lack of guest rooms.

“You’re sure you’re up for this, kiddo?”

Pollux just shrugged as he watched the scenery go by. “I’ve been to Peridot’s lair before. It’s just a large basement, really.”

“Yeah, but-”

“I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think it was a good idea,” Pollux said, realizing only afterwards that he’d not just interrupted Greg, but snapped at him as well. “Sorry. That was rude.”

“Honestly, after everything you’ve been through? I think you’re allowed to be rude.”

“I’m not supposed to be.”

“Says who?”

Pollux frowned. “...we’re here.”

“Oh! Yeah.” Greg slowed the van to a stop, sidled up next to an inconspicuous panel that blended in well with the brick wall. “Hey, uh, you’ve got your phone on you, yeah?” Pollux removed the object from his pocket, offering it up. “No, uh, just wanted to make sure. Remember, you can call me anytime if you need to head back.”

“Mm.” Pollux nodded, then silently exited the van, opening the panel on the wall by placing his hand on it.

You should say goodbye to him or something

Why? We’ll see him soon enough

It’s polite, I think

“Bye,” said Pollux quietly, giving Greg an awkward wave as well. Greg gave him a thumbs-up in return.

The door closed behind him, and he heard the van head away. The hallway wasn’t very well lit, but he figured that was an intentional addition on Peridot’s part- adding to the look of a ‘Secret Lair’ and all that. There were a handful of other doors leading out, but most of them were access tunnels so that Peridot could get to the inner workings of the Little Homeworld without heading out to the surface. She liked being able to simply appear places without having any apparent way of getting there before anyone else.

The door at the very end didn’t seem to be any different from the others, with the exception of the keypad. A sticky note hung overtop of it, with the words ‘KEY: BRACELET IN THE LAKE’.

Pollux sighed, wracking his memories. The key, as always, was a reference to a specific episode of “Camp Pining Hearts”, and access required that you know the exact episode and season it was referring to. Pollux was… not awake enough for this, and chose to enter in a completely random series of digits, knowing that Peridot would be informed when an incorrect code was given.

Soon enough, a panel on the door opened, revealing a pair of bright green eyes at a height that Pollux knew meant Peridot was standing on a ledge of some sort. “You’ve arrived!” she exclaimed, before glaring at him. “Hey! There’s a password for a reason!”

“I’m very tired.”

“ _HOW DO I KNOW YOU’RE NOT AN IMPOSTOR!?_ ”

“Peridot.”

“ _WHAT._ ”

Pollux tapped a claw next to his good eye, which he knew was a brilliant pink against his black, diamond-shaped pupil. As much as Castor hated it, it was useful enough- it was something no other Gem could mimic or re-create. Peridot grumbled incoherently, but hopped down from her ledge to open the door.

The lair was as messy and chaotic as ever, filled with a mish-mash of Lapis’ meep-morps and Peridot’s projects, many of which were largely indistinguishable from each other. There was a hammock, a television with a very old couch and a handful of bean bags in front of it, a junk pile, a not-junk pile, and of course, a mini-fridge.

While Peridot and Lapis were the only ones who actually lived and slept in the lair, they were hardly the only regular residents- Blue Zircon, Forsterite, Amethyst, Bismuth, and White Buffalo Turquoise all visited on occasion. Well- Pollux wasn’t actually sure Bismuth or White Buffalo actually visited the lair, but he knew they were good enough friends with both Peridot and Lapis that they’d certainly be allowed in if they wanted. At the moment, though, Peridot was the only one present.

“GREETINGS!” yelled Peridot happily, throwing her arms out wide. Pollux waved awkwardly at her, not certain what to say. “You are the aspect of Steven called ‘Pollux’, yes?”

“Um… yes.”

“EXCELLENT! It would be very awkward if I was wrong about that! Come, come.” She led him over to one of the desks, where a seemingly excessive amount of tablets and papers lay strewn about. “So- as my knowledge of you is primarily based on Steven, I have compiled a list of activities the two of us have previously enjoyed so that you may inform me of what you prefer!” Peridot handed Pollux one of the tablets, somehow able to locate the right one despite it seeming no different from any of the others.

“Is this… are you asking me what I want to do?”

“Correct!”

Pollux gingerly set the tablet back on the table. “I, um…” He glanced back at the door. “This might’ve been a bad idea. I’m sorry…”

Peridot frowned. “...is this too much?”

“...yes. I’m not…” He wrapped his arms around himself. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Ah.” Peridot looked at him curiously, humming to herself. “I’m… also rather at a loss, I’ll admit. I’m not sure how to get to know someone that I already know.”

Pollux didn’t say anything, just looked down at himself- at his too-dark claws, at his too-bright freckles. At the body he wore that wasn’t really _his_.

“We could… watch some “Camp Pining Hearts” together?” offered Peridot hesitantly.

Pollux shrugged. “Sure.”

“ _YES!_ ”

* * *

Going along with Peridot’s logic that, while she’d left off at a specific point in her last watchthrough with _Steven,_ she hadn’t started a watchthrough at all with _Pollux,_ so, of course, they started off with the unaired pilot, and worked their way through.

Pollux didn’t offer any commentary of his own, but still listened closely when Peridot paused the episode to talk excitedly, pulling up a holo-screen filled with charts and diagrams. He nodded occasionally to show he was still listening- Peridot’d had to make sure he was still there the first few times, before Castor reminded him he was just staring silently the whole time.

“-which is when Paulette receives the flower bouquet from her mysterious lover!” said Peridot as she finished her rant. “We don’t find out who it is until the next season, but I’ve been told that the signs were ‘obvious’,” she said with a roll of her eyes, using finger quotes around the last word.

“It’s the flowers,” said Pollux suddenly.

“...wha?”

“Peyton has a painting of a coreopsis flower in his cabin,” Pollux explained. “The same flower that was in the bouquet.”

Peridot’s eyes grew wide. “ _Oh my stars you’re right,_ ” she whispered. “How did I never notice it!?”

“It’s only there for a few frames. It’s very easy to miss.”

“I’ve seen this episode dozens of times!” mourned Peridot, tugging at her hair. Pollux just shrugged.

“There’s a lot of symbolism in this. We never noticed before now, I guess.”

“By ‘we’, do you mean…?”

“...Steven,” said Pollux awkwardly. “ _He_ never noticed before now.”

Peridot waved it off. “No matter. Let’s continue!”

* * *

Pollux pointed out a full three more instances of symbolism before Lapis and Hazel Pearl arrived, bringing Connie along with them.

“Aren’t you two having fun,” said Lapis with a sideways grin as she flew through the main door- Pollux was thankful that it led to another hallway rather than directly to the greenhouse.

“We need to have him here for our next movie marathon,” insisted Peridot, pointing determinedly at Pollux. “The colors _mean_ things, Lapis!”

“That’s what color symbolism _is,_ you dork,” Lapis replied, ruffling Peridot’s hair affectionately. Connie greeted Pollux with a quiet “Hey,” sitting down next to him on the couch, where he’d moved to make room. Hazel followed her in, her pointed nose buried into a holo-screen.

“Crystal Peridot, I am curious as to-” She looked up, breaking into a grin when she saw Pollux. “Steven,” she greeted, her flat song contrasting her delighted expression.

“Um, not, um-”

“Pollux, actually,” corrected Peridot. “ _Steven_ apparently does not retain his understanding of visual mediums.”

“Have you been well,” asked Hazel with a worried expression, storing her holo-screen in her gemstone.

“...sort of,” said Pollux. “Um… better. A lot better. But…” He looked away, shrugging.

Hazel pursed her lips. “Hmm. I do not wish to act as if you must hurry your recovery, but this does mean we will need an official story for Homeworld,” she told him, sitting down on one of the bean bags. As always, she did her best to move with grace and poise, but very quickly succumbed to the awkward comfiness inherent with bean bags. “ _How are you meant to sit in this,_ ” she whispered to no-one in particular.

“Like this,” said Lapis, before proceeding to tip over backwards and make no attempt to catch herself, falling with a loud _-FWUMP-_ onto the bag.

“...ah,” said Hazel.

“You can have my seat on the couch, if you want,” Pollux offered. “I don’t mind moving.”

“If you’d be willing…”

Pollux nodded and stood. He reached a hand out to help Hazel out of her bean-filled entrapment. She looked surprised at first, but then smiled and accepted his help, sitting down carefully on the couch. She still sunk into it, but managed to hold onto much more of her dignity.

Pollux made sure to move the now-vacated bean bag next to the couch, if only so that he could sit near Connie. Deciding that it would be easier to talk if more of them were facing one another, Peridot moved over to a bean bag as well, curling up on top of it in such a way that it seemed to completely envelop her lower half.

“So, why were you wanting to chat about this here?” asked Lapis, laying on top of her bag in such a way that her head was upside-down and facing away from them. “Can’t you just do that in the house or whatever?”

“...that was my plan,” Hazel admitted. “However, I was informed that Crystal Pearl has moved back in, and… I would like to avoid any arguments that may arise.”

Connie shifted in her seat to look over at Hazel, frowning. “What do you mean? Did you know her before all of this?”

“It is… complicated,” said Hazel.

“I thought she was like, a huge deal to Pearls,” Lapis said. “Y’know, the ‘terrifying renegade’ and all that.”

“I would prefer not to discuss it. Simply know that, while I am willing to work with her, I do not want to run the very probable risk of us clashing.” Hazel retrieved her holo-screen once again. “May I continue what I was wishing to discuss previously,” she asked of Pollux.

“Mm. Something about what you’re going to tell Homeworld?”

“Affirmative. So far, LH1 has been closed to visitors, and all public communications have been put on hold. No-one knows what happened, but it is becoming increasingly obvious that something happened- emphasis on ‘something’. If this continues much longer, people will become… concerned, and curious.”

“Can we not just tell them the truth?” asked Peridot. “I mean, they know that corruption is, y’know, _a thing._ ” Pollux fidgeted with the hem of his shirt.

“Query: do you truly think that those who wish to destroy Era Three would not take advantage of such an apparent weakness.”

“She’s right,” said Lapis, still slouched on her bag, but actually facing the rest of them now. “They’d claim that Steven wasn’t fit to rule ‘cause of it, which is a load of coprolite.”

“But he’s a _Diamond!_ ” exclaimed Peridot, gesturing at Pollux. “And he has the backing of the other three!”

“Mm, two of them at least,” mused Hazel. “White Diamond is…”

“A bitch,” muttered Pollux.

Connie laughed. “Okay, I mean, you’re not _wrong._ ”

“We shouldn’t assume she will provide any kind of political support,” said Hazel. “However, Blue Diamond and Yellow Diamond will very likely be willing to assist with any solution we may provide. That does mean we must be able to provide a solution in the first place, though.”

“So, we can’t say he did it to himself,” said Lapis. “But the only other person who was corrupted by something other than the Corrupting Light was, well. _Jasper._ ”

Hazel looked as if she were about to ask something, but decided against it. “As it stands, there is no official explanation for her corruption. She has not been willing to give one previously, and has since dropped from the public sphere entirely. That is not an option in this case.”

“...how specific do we have to be?” asked Connie. “I mean, there’s tons of old Gemtech left over from the war…”

“Only the Diamonds can cause corruption,” Peridot argued. “It’s not something you can replicate- and besides, even if you could, how would there be tech replicating something that hadn’t happened yet?”

“...query: how was Jasper corrupted.”

“...she fused with a corrupted Gem,” answered Peridot quietly. “The corruption acts similarly to a virus. If it’s inert, as with Gems that have been healed, it can’t spread, but it still leaves remnants- in this case, corruption scars. But if it’s active…”

“Do you think-” Pollux began talking quietly, then jumped when he realized all eyes were on him. “Maybe we could say something happened when we first tried healing the corrupted Gems?”

“What do you mean?” asked Connie. “Like with Centi?”

Pollux shrugged, looking down and burying himself further into his seat. “Um… I guess? We could say that we- that Steven tried to heal them on his own but something went wrong, but no-one knew until recently.”

“It’s certainly plausible enough,” Hazel agreed. “Furthermore, it would shift the blame away from you and onto the other Diamonds. Their authority is hardly in question.”

“Yeah,” said Lapis with what could almost be considered enthusiasm, pumping her fist in the air. “Stick it to the upper-crusts.”

“Said the perfectly-cut Lapis Lazuli to a Diamond’s Pearl,” added Peridot with theatrical bitterness. Lapis just laughed.

“Stars above, can you imagine this sort of thing happening even just a decade ago?” she asked. “A defective Pearl, a Peridot with no limb enhancers, a Lapis Lazuli, an organic, and a component of a Diamond that’s also a fusion- all hanging out, making dumb jokes.”

Connie chuckled. “Sounds like the start of a bad joke. A Pearl, an organic, a Diamond, and a Lapis Lazuli, all walk into a bar…”

“But not a Peridot?”

“No, the bar was too high up.”

“WOW, THANKS.”

* * *

The five of them chatted pleasantly for a long while, with the topics ranging from Homeworld gossip, to aesthetic theory, to the ins and outs of how toasters function. Hazel was wanting to get the official message sent to Yellow Diamond as soon as possible, though, so as soon as she’d finished the basic draft of it and had it approved by Pollux, she headed off to the administrative centre. Peridot had her gardening class, as well, but Lapis was free for the rest of the day. So, it was just her, Connie, and Pollux, sitting awkwardly in the room that Peridot had just exited.

“...so. Uh.” Lapis tapped her fingers against one leg. “You guys, uh…”

“...”

“...none of us have any real social skills, do we?” asked Connie, laying on her back.

“Nope.”

“Not really.”

“ _Great._ ”

“Most of my socialization is in the form of listening to Peridot or complaining about things,” said Lapis.

“I didn’t have a consistent friend until I was twelve, and didn’t have any other than Steven for another year after that!” added Connie cheerfully.

“I haven’t existed as a singular entity for more than about two weeks total, and I’m not entirely convinced I’m a real person,” Pollux chimed in.

“Woo-hoo!” said Lapis sarcastically. “Welcome to the Social Disasters Club, 'lux.”

“Hold on,” said Connie. “One more time?”

“...I probably shouldn’t have said that so casually.”

“Well, yeah, not if you didn’t want me to be worried about you.”

Pollux shrugged. “It’s just… when… we were split… I wasn’t really all there? I couldn’t feel anything. And… we didn’t have time to test it, but, I think Castor would have been just the same as Steven, just without m- without his powers. I’m just sort of… what’s leftover of Rose.”

Connie frowned. “You know that’s not true-”

“I don’t know that, actually,” said Pollux firmly. “She wiped her personality from her gemstone as best she could. Steven didn’t need the extra information storage, not with an organic brain, so…” He gestured vaguely at his stomach. “I’m probably just a… an interface, or a hallucination. Castor shouldn’t even have a separate name, he _is_ Steven. I’m just the leftovers.”

“...does he agree with you?”

Pollux hummed. “No, but he doesn’t disagree.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, _I_ disagree,” said Lapis. “You seem pretty real to me.”

“I’m sharing a headspace with Ca- Steven,” Pollux said. “It makes sense I’d pick up on some aspects of that.”

“You were the one telling me about you and him fronting even before this, though!” argued Connie.

“Based on guesses and half-forgotten memories.”

“You knew all that stuff about symbolism that Steven doesn’t!” insisted Lapis.

“And you’re way better at communicating stuff than Castor is,” added Connie. Pollux looked up, staring her in the eye, his inhuman pupil contracted into a reptilian crosshair.

“Rose didn’t get rid of all of her old programming,” he told her calmly, before looking back down at the bit of metal he was fiddling with. Lapis snapped to attention, her gemstone humming in anticipation.

“What are- what are you saying?” she asked, anxiety hidden under a forced calm. Pollux didn’t answer her, but rather, spun the bit of metal on the table like a top. “Pollux? _What do you mean by that?_ ”

Don’t hurt me, please, please, please, I-

I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to say-

Just say something! JUST SAY SOMETHING!

**JUST SAY SOMETHING!**

Pollux said nothing. He kept spinning the metal trinket.

Lapis growled. “Fine. I’m going to go find Peridot. Have fun, _your radiance._ ”

“Lapis-!”

Connie stood to follow her, but Lapis was out the door in moments, slamming the thing shut behind her. “UGH!” Connie balled her hands into fists, tugging briefly at her hair, before spinning around to face Pollux. “What the hell was-”

“I didn’t know what to say,” he whispered, still fixated on the metal trinket. “I was- I was- I was- I don’t know-” He grabbed the piece of metal with a heavy swipe of his hands, not letting it tip over.

“No, no, I-” Connie waved her hands frantically. “I’m angry at _her,_ not at you!”

“She has every right to not trust me,” said Pollux quietly. “I’m- I’m a _Diamond._ ”

“That doesn’t matter!”

“...I wish that were true. I’m the one who keeps getting angry. Who keeps hurting people. In White’s head, it was Steven that kept me from killing everyone else there. It’s the same this time, too.”

“Castor isn’t Steven, not without you.”

Pollux spun the metal trinket again. “Maybe he should be.”

Connie’s breath caught in her throat. “What are you saying?”

“The fighting is over. The empire’s being dismantled. Steven doesn’t need me anymore.” Pollux’s claws played over the fabric of his shirt, never quite reaching the facets underneath. “He shouldn’t have to be scared of what I might do. _You_ shouldn’t have to be scared.”

“I’m not scared,” said Connie. Pollux didn’t move his head, but his eye snapped over to her.

“Aren’t you?” he asked with an icy calm.

“No.”

You should be

The lights overhead dimmed and flickered.

The television turned on, showing a screen of screaming static.

The lights went out, and the screen illuminated the room in harsh contrast.

Every single tablet on the table activated at once, all showing the same thing-

A single eye, with a searing pink iris, and glowing white diamond pupil.

“Aren’t you?” repeated Pollux.

“No,” said Connie once again.

All the screens went dark, just for a moment.

They returned, and Pollux stood immediately before Connie.

She didn’t move.

“...why?”

Pollux’s song was not demanding, but pleading.

Why?

Why don’t you hate me after everything I’ve done?

Connie smiled, and took Pollux’s hands into her own, holding them close. “Because you’re my best friend.”

The screens turned off, and the lights overhead returned, all to show the tears running down Pollux’s face. “I’m not Steven,” he told her.

“I know.”

“I’m… I’m a monster.”

“I know.”

“...you’re still here.”

Connie grinned. “Yeah.”

“...can I hug you now?” asked Pollux in a tiny voice. Connie just laughed and nodded, letting Pollux throw himself onto her, wrapping his arms around her and crying quietly.

“The light show’s new,” she noted, still holding him close.

“I don’t really know how I did that,” admitted Pollux, still muffled by her shoulder. “I- I think my powers kind of mess with any electronics nearby when I get upset or something.”

“Well, if it was anyone else I definitely would’ve been freaked out, so that’s probably useful. Y’know, if you need to scare someone without actually threatening them.” Pollux lifted his head to give her a confused and concerned look. “Y’know, for like, political stuff!”

“I think Hazel has that one down, actually,” he mused.

“Oh, good point.”

“...’m sorry for getting your jacket all gross,” said Pollux once the two of them let go. Connie pulled a face.

“I’m just glad it’s not my shirt, ‘cause I didn’t grab a spare or anything.”

“...do you think people would notice if we went out to get fry bits right now?” asked Pollux, looking wistfully at the front door to the lair.

“Definitely,” said Connie with a nod. “Especially with your hair.”

“...my hair?” He felt around at the back of his neck, and found that his hair had somehow gotten shorter since he’d last checked. “What’s…”

“Here.” Connie offered him a mirror off the top of the not-junk pile. Pollux saw that his hair truly was shorter, almost as short as it had been before the corruption- and not just that, but running through it were unmistakable streaks of pink. “If I had to guess, I’d say your shapeshifting’s starting to work again.”

Pollux stared at his reflection- pink skin, a pink iris, a pink eyepatch, pink streaks of hair- he really was just an echo of his mother.

And yet… it didn’t feel like that was the case. He didn’t feel like he was looking at a stranger. In fact, more so than ever before, Pollux felt like _himself._

He looked up, smiling softly at Connie. “I think I like it.”


	42. Cogito, Ergo Sum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am."  
> Does doubting you exist, prove you exist?

Pollux sat alone in Peridot’s lair, waiting.

Connie had gone back to the Temple house already, once it had started getting dark outside. Pollux had told her he’d be right behind her, but…

He wasn’t going to repeat Her mistakes. _His_ mistakes.

He heard the humming of three gemstones, before he saw anyone. A Lapis, a Bismuth, and a Peridot- though those last two could belong to Forsterite. He couldn’t tell.

The door opened to the beeping of a keypad, and the tail end of a song burst forth. “-know I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that, but… I don't know! There’s something _off_ about him.”

“He’s not gonna be like Steven, y’know.” That was definitely Forsterite. Her components, a Peridot called Galatea and a Bismuth called Hephaestus, had fused many times in secret back on Homeworld, and had thought that the new Era meant that Forsterite would be accepted. But laws can’t change tradition. They can’t change people’s minds. But Forsterite had managed to find a home on Earth, at least, and Pollux hoped that she was just the first of many. He couldn’t fix Homeworld, but… he could at least provide a haven for its outcasts.

“I know that,” insisted Lapis. “But the thing is, when I went to their house, when I spent time with him and Castor? He was totally different! But this time he just… clammed up!”

“He was at home, though, right? And you said it was just him this time. Maybe he was just nervous, yeah?”

“But… I don’t get it. Why would he be nervous around me? He knows me!”

“...didn’t you say you tried to kill him the first time you met?”

“Wh- but-” Lapis stuttered angrily. “That was years ago! He’s never held it against me or anything! He’s _Steven!_ ”

“But Pollux ain’t.”

“...the door’s open. Grab what it was you wanted to grab. I’m going back to my class.”

Forsterite sighed, and Pollux could hear the sound of water-formed wings flapping harshly against the air. “...you can come out now, you know.”

Pollux froze stiff, claws clutching at the foot of the couch. “Lapis went and pissed off now, but uh, I’m okay with it if you don’t wanna talk with me either, yeah? I know I’m a bit much.” Forsterite chuckled. “I mean, I know better than anyone, really. You think it’s annoying to listen to me ramble? You lot have it easy, I have to listen to me ramble all day long!”

Pollux stayed silent.

“...yikes. Tough crowd, I guess.” She sighed, leaning against the top of the couch, her mottled forearms hanging casually into Pollux’s field of view. “You, uh… you alright down there?” Pollux just shrugged, finding himself unable- or perhaps unwilling- to form anything akin to words. “Hmm. Not much of a talker, huh? That’s alright.” Forsterite moved from her spot, and, slowly, sat down next to Pollux, making sure to telegraph her movements and to not move quickly or suddenly. “Is this okay? You don’t gotta say anything, you can just nod if you’d like.”

Pollux did nod, but didn’t look over at her. She didn’t seem to be offended by this though, which Pollux was grateful for. “I don’t think Lapis was angry at you, y’know. Not tryna make excuses for her, mind you! Just saying, uh… she’s pretty freaked out, really? Said you were acting really weird. I tried to tell you were probably just shy, but- well, I think you heard how that went.”

“It’s because I am a Diamond,” whispered Pollux, his voice hoarse. He didn’t want to speak, even though he wasn’t sure why, but- he wanted Forsterite to know.

“...you sure you’re okay talkin’?” she asked hesitantly, and Pollux shook his head. “Here- I’ll, uh-” She summoned an item from the Peridot gemstone that sat just below where her ribcage would’ve been, briefly casting a pale green light. She held a small notebook with a reading light attached to it, as well as an ink pen. “If you want, you can write instead? Galatea’s a lot more comfortable talkin’ with someone over text or the like, figured this might help.”

Forsterite handed the items over to Pollux, who, after picking up the ink pen, held its tip hesitantly over the paper.

_I told her that ~~my mother~~ Rose Diamond didn’t get rid of all of her old programming._

“Ouch. Though, uh… do you really think that’s true?” asked Forsterite. Pollux paused, frowning.

_I don’t know._   
_I was_

Pollux tapped the paper with the pen’s tip, leaving a litany of dots.

_~~I was~~ I don’t think ~~I’m real~~ that Steven is actually a fusion. I think Castor is Steven. He’s the actual person. I’m just the hardware. Lapis and Connie were trying to convince me otherwise. That’s why I said it. Lapis was scared because I was ~~telling her~~ implying that I’m like ~~them~~ the other Diamonds. I think she hates me because of it._

Forsterite didn’t look over his shoulder while he wrote, but waited for him to pass the notebook over. She sighed, handing it back. “Well, shards. I haven’t any advice, really.”

_I don’t think I wanted any. I think I would’ve just gotten annoyed if you acted like you knew how I felt right now. I don’t know how I feel right now._

“Yeah, I get that. ‘s nice to have someone to vent to, innit? Sometimes you just wanna be mad. Or like- you don’t got any kinda stuff you need to figure out, you’re just pissed about something. Took until I showed up for Hephaestus to figure out that Galatea complaining about stuff was a show of affection, yeah? Peridots don’t get to have complaints, usually, they just keep on workin’.” Forsterite chuckled. “She still does that, even though she’s got nothin’ to complain about. She’ll find _something_ though, always will.”

_Do they argue in your head?_

“My components? Nah, I’m only around when we’re working on something together. Makes it easier to keep us on the same page and all that. Besides, as much as it’s fun bein’ me, well…” She looked down at her hands, holding them clasped together. “Just ain’t the same, y’know?”

_I came here to talk to Lapis. I wanted to tell her why I didn’t say anything to her._

“I’m guessing you got scared when you heard her being angry?” asked Forsterite, accepting the change in topic.

_~~None of the~~ I don’t think any of the actual Diamond programming was passed on to me. I just meant that there was stuff left over from Rose. I don’t know how much though. I don’t know what’s me, what’s her, and what’s Steven. I don’t know if I exist, and if I do, I don’t know if I’m a component of Steven or if I’m actually Rose or if I’m something else and I-_

The ink blurred where the pale pink teardrop fell, making Pollux stop in surprise. He set the pen down, wiping at his eye, and staring at the sparkling, diluted ichor on his fingertip. “You don’t have to know who you are for a fact,” said Forsterite softly. “I think most people don’t know that, whether they’re fusions or not. But I don’t think that matters, really. You know what does?” Pollux looked up at her curiously, her four bright green eyes seeming luminant in the lamp-light. “Who you want to be. How you want to be treated. So uh- I still am kinda figuring out how Humans work and all that? But I recently learned about this thing called ‘transgender’, where Humans are told they’re either ‘male’ or ‘female’ and later decide they’re something else.”

_~~Like Lars and Sa~~ Like Shep_

“I don’t know a Shep, but I’ll guess you know what you’re talking ‘bout. Anyways, that kinda got me thinking- if your gender can be different than what people tell you, how do you know what it is?” Forsterite shrugged. “I wasn’t ‘bout to go askin’ around, but I figure- you know _what_ you are, _because_ you are. Galatea knows her name’s Galatea ‘cause she decided it is. There’s no mental or physical proof that that’s her name, nothing in her programming that says so, but it’s still her name.”

“So- don’t worry about proof, yeah? If you think you’re Pollux, then you are. There’s no such thing as a ‘real’ person. Gems are just very complicated computers, and Humans are just very complicated animals. ‘s all just circuitry ‘n chemicals. There’s nothin’ there that says ‘this is a person’.”

_What happened to not having any advice for me_

“Ah, well- what happened is, I ain’t got a mute button.” Forsterite grinned. “You could poof me and I’d probably find a way to keep talkin.” She paused. “Actually, now I’m wondering if I could make that work…”

_Would it be okay for me to write something down for Lapis and for you to give it to her? I want to tell her what’s going on but I don’t think I can right now._

“Go right ahead, ‘luxie. I’ll let her know not t’ track you down to chat with you until tomorrow, if you like.” Pollux nodded. “Sounds good. Lemme know when you’re done writing, yeah? I’ve got a hypothesis to plan out.”

* * *

_Lapis_

_I didn’t mean to imply that Rose’s Diamond programming passed on to me, but, I also can’t assure you that it didn’t. I’m scared of that possibility too. ~~I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m terrified~~_   
_When I first hung out with you I wasn’t just me. When Castor and I are both present we sort of blend together. We don’t know how to be separate people, but we also can’t figure out how to be Together all the time. I have a much easier time talking with people when Castor’s talking with me._   
_~~I wasn’t scared that~~ I don’t think you would hurt me. I panicked because you were angry, and because I panicked I couldn’t talk, and that just made you angrier. ~~I was crying afterwards but I don’t want you to feel guilty~~ I’m doing better now. Forsterite sat with me for a while._   
_~~It’s not your fault~~ Please don’t feel like you can’t talk to me or anything. We value you as a friend and I don’t want to push you away. ~~You almost drowned us and Connie and we fell off a tower that reached into the atmosphere~~ We hope you’re doing okay._   
_(Sorry for eavesdropping on you)_

_-Pollux_

* * *

It was Forsterite that left to give Lapis the letter, and Galatea that came back to help Castor get back home. “Heph’s better at the whole ‘tact’ thing,” Galatea had explained with a roll of her eyes. “ _Apparently_ I’ve a habit of hurting people’s _feelings_ , but whatever.”

Amethyst and Pearl were waiting for him on the front porch, as both Connie and Greg had long since gone to sleep. “Steven! I was wondering where you were,” greeted Pearl amicably. “Did you have a good time?” Pollux felt the familiar twist of anxiety in his chest, and even if he wanted to speak, he didn’t think he could. Instead, he just shrugged, feeling his face flush a deep pink. Pearl frowned. “Steven?”

Amethyst and Galatea exchanged awkward glances. “Pollux, actually,” Galatea corrected. “It’s actually quite obvious once you observe the differences in body language.”

Pearl blushed. “Ah. Yes. I, ah… right.” She fidgeted a bit with the hem of her jacket. “Are you… feeling well, Pollux?” Pollux gave her a faint smile, not quite meeting her eyes.

Galatea tapped her floating fingers together awkwardly. “Yes! Well. I can see you all have a lot to… talk… about…” She grimaced at her choice of words. “Yes goodbye,” she said curtly, before walking quickly down the stairs, heading back to the Little Homeworld. Pollux moved to open the door, but Amethyst stood up before he could.

“Hey, dude, is something wrong?” she asked. Despite her small stature, Pollux couldn’t help but feel as if she were towering over him. He shook his head. He just wanted to go inside and _sleep-_ he wasn’t feeling great, but what were they expecting, really? “You seem really freaked out.”

Yeah, I am freaked out, because my damn brain won’t let me form words, and you’re just making it worse!

“Would you like me to leave?” asked Pearl gently. “I know you’ve always had an easier time talking with Amethyst…”

Pollux shook his head, giving a soft growl of frustration. He tried to reach for the door handle again, but Amethyst moved herself directly in front of it. “Lux, c’mon, just- say something, yeah? I’m not gonna pry if you don’t want me to, I just gotta know you’re, y’know, actually listening, yeah?” Pollux clenched his fists tightly, just barely remembering to shift the positioning of his fingers so that his claws weren’t pressed into his skin.

Fine.

Ignoring the calls of protest from Amethyst and Pearl, Pollux clambered up onto the wooden railings, leaping off with more agility than he’d expected from himself, floating down onto the sand. After kicking off his sandals, he ran after Galatea. She’d not made it far, thankfully, and stopped when she heard him coming.

“Pollux! Is something wrong?” He pointed desperately at her gemstone, then mimicked the motion of writing something down, hoping she would understand. He sighed with relief when she summoned the pen and paper once again. “Do you want me to come back with you?”

Pollux hesitated, then shook his head. He wanted to do this on his own- he _needed_ to be able to do this on his own. Before running back, though, he held his arms out to Galatea, giving her a soft smile. She grinned in return, hugging him tightly, her limb enhancers surprisingly gentle against his back. “Good luck!” she told him, before continuing on his path.

Amethyst had been following him, it seemed, as Pollux ran into her partway down the beach. “Dude, what the f- heck!” she exclaimed, running her hands through her hair. “You can’t just run off like that!” He scribbled hastily in the notebook, then showed her the page.

_1\. Yes I can._   
_2\. You can say ‘fuck’, I’m not a little kid._   
_3\. I can’t talk right now and I don’t really know why; Forsterite helped me out by letting me use this to talk to her._

“...oh,” said Amethyst softly. “I… I kinda thought you were just pissed off at us.”

_I am a little bit, now._

“Y’know what? That’s fair. Sorry ‘bout getting in your face.”

_It’s okay._   
_I just want to go to sleep right now._

Amethyst nodded. “Yeah, alright. You, uh… you want me to stay with you?”

_Yes._

* * *

When she came to check on him that night, Pearl found Ste- _Pollux_ , fast asleep, with Lion at his bedside, and two familiar cats on top of him- one calico, and one purple.

She smiled, and turned off the lamp-light.

* * *

Something’s wrong

He wakes with a gasp, his lungs pulling in what precious air they can. His gemstone is burning red-hot. He is- he is- he is-

It hurts

He can’t think. It takes all the energy and will he has to not scream out. He is- he’s in a forest (was he here before?) and there’s no-one here. He’s on his knees, his claws digging into the peatmoss.

He sobs, and thorn-sprawled vines writhe from the ground below, stained a fiery pink, fluorescent against the damp. It feels like there’s daggers digging into his back, his shoulders, but-

He knows they are digging their way out.

His skull throbs with pain like a bass drum, and he can feel his bones shift and morph and push and push and push and-

He cries out and it is the cry of an animal, and he is alone, and it hurts-

He falls to his side, panting. He knows it’s not over yet. This is just a reprieve. This is- this is- this is-

His gemstone is burning red-hot.

He closes his eyes, ignoring the whimpers that escape from his throat. There is no-one here to hear him.

There is someone here.

He pulls back, ready to fight, ready to protect himself (he is a monster, he can’t blame them for wanting to attack), ready to-

Dark brown eyes like clay-rich earth stare back at him. He blinks.

“I’m dreaming.”

“No kidding,” says Connie with a sideways grin.

Pollux stares at her, then down at his own hands, pockmarked with thorns and scales. He closes his eyes, muttering to himself, “Please work, please work this time,” and-

His hands are a pale pink, far more pale than he remembers them being, and no longer dotted with freckles. He can’t see it, but he knows his hair is shorter again, curling tightly against his face, and as pink as his gemstone. His claws are shorter again, dulled, as well as a pearlescent white. He flexes them in and out, curiously.

“We really gotta stop meeting like this,” Connie notes, sitting down on the soft mossy floor. “I mean, don’t get me wrong! I definitely appreciate you pulling me out of my shitty nightmares, and I’m more than willing to return the favor, but like- we can just talk while we’re awake, you’d think.”

“I didn’t mean to bring you in here.”

Pollux freezes. He didn’t open his mouth, didn’t speak, but the words came anyways. “That’s… new.”

Connie waggles her fingers dramatically. “Spooooky dream powers!”

“If I end up discovering some new power again can this one not be terrifying?”

“Sorry, we’re all out of not-spooky.”

“Figures.”

“Is this a pretty common one, then?” she asks. “The, uh… painful transformation thing.” Pollux nods.

“Then we’ll ‘wake up’ covered head to toe in corruption scars and no-one can understand us.”

“Did it… did it hurt that much? When… when you changed?”

“...it hurt worse. Our own body was tearing itself apart. The only reason we didn’t die, I think, is because the more we bled, the more we healed.” His facial expression doesn’t change as he ‘talks’, and his tone is nearly as flat as Hazel’s, and yet, Pollux can feel that Connie can hear the hurt behind his unspoken words.

“...if it does happen again… I’m going to stay with you, okay?” She offers him her hand, and he takes it. “Even if you can’t control your powers, I- I’ll get Bismuth to make me some kind of, I don’t know, magic-proof shield or something. And probably earplugs.”

“Definitely earplugs,” Pollux agrees, smiling faintly. “I can’t imagine all that roaring would be good for your ears.”

“You seem weirdly okay with joking about this.”

He sighs, looking off to the side. “I guess… I mean- Castor wasn’t… when we changed, in that time between… between melting down in front of the Gems, and melting down in front of the whole city, I was the one in control, I think. I… it was kind of peaceful, actually?”

“Peaceful?”

Without him willing it, a memory appears beside them, of an immense beast, sleeping beside a lake. There is no spark of intelligence in its eyes, and it lays its head on its front paws, huffing contentedly. The memory fades, but the lakeside remains.

“...I only remember bits and pieces of the actual rampage. But I can remember that bit of time before it. It was only a few hours, but…” He looks down at his hands, at his blunted, curling claws. “I think… I would have stayed that way, if you hadn’t pulled me out of it.” He frowns. “I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.”

Connie stares at him, sputtering. “Pollux, you- of course that’s a good thing! It’s better than you losing yourself, becoming a- a-”

“Monster?”

“An animal!” she exclaims, arms wide. “Pollux, you’re basically talking about killing yourself!”

He blinks. “I would still be alive.”

“Physically, maybe, but everything that makes you you would be gone, or, or buried! How is that better!?”

He digs his claws into the mossy ground. “You don’t understand. That’s fine. You don’t have to-”

“I understand just fine,” Connie insists, ignoring the tears that are welling up. Pollux wonders why she would be crying. “I’m going back to sleep now,” she tells him, standing up and brushing herself off. As she walks off into the forest, she says, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Pollux watches her leave, staring in silent confusion. He traces a claw against his facets, wondering why she wouldn’t want him to be happy.

Wasn’t that what people wanted from him? For him to be happy?

He was happy, by that lakeside. He was content.

...wasn’t that better than this?

He sighs, closing his eyes, and letting the void of sleep overcome him, letting himself slip into quiet non-existence.

At least, for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Cogito, Ergo Sum": I think, therefore, I am.  
> But a beast?  
> A beast cannot think.  
> (How enviable a position)
> 
> ((Ain't selective mutism just so much _fun-_ ))


	43. Unresolved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _/̴c̴o̸m̷m̶a̷n̸d̵ ̶r̷u̷n̸ ̴s̸y̶s̶t̶e̸m̴ ̷r̶e̷b̷o̵o̸t̵:̴ ̸u̶n̶r̷e̷s̴o̴l̵v̴e̵d̴ ̴f̴i̵l̸e̸ ̴e̸r̴r̵o̸r̵s̶ ̵f̷o̴u̵n̷d̸_

They opened their eyes to see the sunrise streaking the sky like a flame, the few faint clouds highlighting it rather than inhibiting it.

The two halves reached out in their shared mind, their body still and weary. They greeted each other wordlessly, a reassurance to each other that they were still there.

Something’s wrong

Yes.

Can you still…?

No. Not yet.

Are you okay?

I will be.

...something happened yesterday. Wh- how- why are you hiding it from me? I don’t-

It’s not something you can help with. I don’t want you to be worried.

Pollux-

I just need some time to think.

We shouldn’t be keeping secrets from each other!

If I were to tell you, you’d just become more agitated. You’d want to help me, and become frustrated when you couldn’t, and blame yourself for my distress. When I’ve been able to process things, or if I feel you can help, I’ll say something. But for now? Just worry about yourself.

...I thought we were going to do this together.

Please, Castor.

I just…

I need some time on my own

And with that, Pollux’s presence receded like a fading dream, carrying along with him what memories he’d collected on his own. Castor could feel them slipping out of his grasp- _something_ had happened, something important, but…

But Pollux didn’t need him. Didn’t want him.

Castor stumbled his way out of bed, growling under his breath. That was fine- he didn’t need Pollux either! He could be Steven all on his own, couldn’t he?

He made sure to put on the eye patch before looking into the mirror. While Pollux’s brilliant pink irises did nothing to hide the diamonds in his eyes, Castor’s pupil was a warm magenta, nearly blending in with the rest of his eye. It looked odd, for sure, but that was better than looking like _them._ But Steven had always had diamond pupils, and no-one had seen, right? His eyes were too dark, they didn’t reflect light properly- to any observer, they were strange, but not inhuman.

“We’ve been- _I’ve_ been getting my powers back, though, right?” Castor wondered out loud. “Maybe I can…”

He watched as his eye shifted, magenta becoming deep purple, just barely light enough that the pupil was recognizable. Castor grinned, blunted fangs making him look almost predatory.

He stopped smiling.

It’s- we- I’ve always had those, though, why is it a problem now?

...because people have reason to be afraid of me, now

“It’s fine though,” Castor insisted to himself. “I’m- I’m _Steven Universe!_ I don’t hurt people, I help them! I- I’m-”

(Had he been more impulsive, had his constant awareness of his surroundings wavered, he might have yelled ‘his’ name to the heavens, not caring who heard. But Castor didn’t do so. After all, he didn’t want the Gems hearing him, now did he?)

Castor giggled nervously. “Just for now, yeah? Just to prove to him that I can do this. I can do this. _I can do this._ ” A buzz of static lay beneath his hands, and, hoping, praying, he grabbed at it, moving his hand in a way that was more instinct than thought by now, and-

And a rounded pink shield appeared at his forearm, an extension of his own energy.

There’s all the proof I need

“Cass? What’re you talking about?”

The shield dissipated into pink and silver sparks as Castor startled. “Wh- I thought you were-”

“I felt you summoning the shield,” Pollux admitted.

“...oh.”

“Mm.”

Castor looked down, clenching his fists, trying to communicate what he could- he couldn’t put his feelings into words, but maybe...

I wanted him here but now I don’t- I want him to need me but I don’t want to need him- I **do** need him- I don’t know what I want-!

“Castor-”

“I’m sorry,” Castor muttered, sitting down on the bed. “I shouldn’t be angry at you for wanting some space. I can’t imagine it’s all that fun sharing a mind with me.” Pollux didn’t reply, but Castor could still feel his presence. “I just wish you’d tell me what’s going on.”

“...you _don’t_ need me. Not really.”

“What do you mean?”

“Even if I am my own person- and I’m not fully convinced that I am, really- why do you even need me? I just keep hurting people. You don’t need my powers.”

“I don’t give a shit about your _powers,_ ” Castor said with a loud sigh as he fell backwards onto the bedsheets.

“Then why were you so excited about summoning the shield?”

“Because-” Castor bit his lip. “...I wanted to prove to you I didn’t need you. That I could be Steven on my own.”

Pollux hummed. “Can’t you?”

Castor blinked rapidly in surprise. “You’re not angry?”

“Well, no. Castor- when you’re on your own, you act a bit different from Steven, but not much. When I’m on my own, it’s like no-one recognizes me. Lapis was _scared_ of me. You don’t need me in order to be Whole.”

“I _do_ though!” insisted Castor, sitting back upright. “Or… even if I don’t _need_ you here, I _want_ you here.” He wrapped his arms around his shoulders, holding Pollux close in the only way he knew how.

“...I don’t…”

“Please.”

“...I’m still going to need time to myself,” Pollux said eventually. “But… I’ll stay, just for the morning.”

“Thank you.”

“...yeah.”

Castor sighed in relief, not pushing Pollux to talk any further. He was _there,_ that was what mattered. He hummed a quiet tune, only half-remembering the lyrics, as he went through the closet. He only paused when he heard the buzzing of his phone.

 **Strawberry**  
[] are you awake? i heard talking

 **steven <3**  
[] Pollux and i were trying to talk through some things  
[] sorry if we woke you up

 **Strawberry**  
[] Castor it’s almost 10:00

 **steven <3**  
[] yeah?

 **Strawberry**  
[] ………………...okay

 **steven <3**  
[] ?????  
[] wh  
[] what does that mean  
[] Connie  
[] Connie pls

 **Strawberry**  
[] it means you’re making your own breakfast

 **steven <3**  
[] oh okay  
[] is there any leftover pizza in the fridge

 **Strawberry**  
[] that’s not breakfast!!!!!!

 **steven <3**  
[] yes? and??

 **Strawberry**  
[] oh my god  
[] why are you like this

 **steven <3**  
[] ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

“You know you can just key that into a shortcut, right?”

“...you can?”

Pollux responded with the mental equivalent of a facepalm and loud sigh as he pushed the corresponding memory to the forefront of their mind. “Ohhhh. Neat.”

“Do you not pay attention to any of the stuff Peridot says?”

“...I think that’s just you. I mostly just remember smiling and nodding politely and pretending I understand.”

Pollux responded with an even louder mental sigh, making Castor laugh. “See? I _do_ need you!”

“Evidently,” Pollux drawled as Castor grabbed a shirt and pants from the closet, before changing out of his nightgown and tossing it in the hamper. “...I wonder if it’s a Gem thing?”

“I mean, Gem stuff does still seem to apply to me,” Castor noted, “or at least some of it does. I can still speak Gemsong. I don’t think there’re any other Humans that can do that.” He felt a push, a nudge, as Pollux moved them over to the mirror. The colors of their eye were split in a balanced heterochromia, a mix between the two of them, and yet, not the same as Steven. Castor ignored it mostly, in favor of picking out a headband. “And it’s not just because we’re kind-of-sort-of fused, ‘cause I think I could still Sing when we were split.” Pollux didn’t reply, and Castor could feel a growing sense of anxiety from him. “Pollux? Oh, jeez, I shouldn’t have brought that up-”

**LOOK**

Castor’s gaze snapped back to the mirror, and he watched his own pupil shrink in horror. “But- that- that doesn’t make sense-”

“It’s there, though.”

“But- we’re doing better! We _are!_ ”

“Then explain _that._ ”

...he couldn’t. In disbelief, he ran a hand through his hair and-

and felt a tiny, bony nub, just beneath his skin, resting against his hairline.

“It’s happening again,” said Castor, one hand over his mouth, one hand on his throat. “I- I- I- _no, please, no, not again-_ ”

“Castor-!”

“I can’t _do_ this again! I can’t!”

“We don’t have to do this alone-”

“NO!” Castor snapped to attention, his breathing ragged. “N- no. No. It- maybe it- maybe it’s just corruption scars, yeah?”

“We were healed ages ago-”

“This is not a relapse,” he growled, if only to convince himself. “We’re _fine,_ they _don’t_ need to know-”

“But what if it _is?_ They can help us! We shouldn’t be keeping any more secrets from them, that’s what got us here the first time!”

“If we told them, they’d just freak out,” Castor insisted. “Just like what you said earlier, yeah? We just need to deal with this on our own-”

“We don’t _have_ to do this alone!”

“You know what they’ll do if they think they need to heal us again!” Castor hissed. “They’ll call the fucking _Diamonds_ again! They’ll call _HER!_ ”

“You don’t know that!”

“I won’t risk it!”

“I DON’T WANT TO _LOSE_ YOU TO THIS!”

“ _I_ DON’T WANT TO LOSE _YOU_ TO _THEM!_ ”

“JUST-”

“LET ME-”

“ **HELP** ** YOU!**”

* * *

Connie sighed as she pocketed her phone and returned to the main room, only to be met with the sounds of arguing.

“-can’t just show up out of nowhere and start demanding things of us!” insisted Pearl.

“This is important! Something’s wrong!”

_...Garnet!?_

“What’s _wrong_ is you vanishing off the face of the fucking planet!” yelled Amethyst. Connie watched from the hallway as Pearl and Amethyst stood in front of Garnet, who stood atop the Warp Pad. “We didn’t even know where you _were!_ ”

“I needed to focus on my Vision,” said Garnet calmly. “I didn’t See any of this coming, and I _should have._ I can’t risk that happening again.”

“He doesn’t need that right now,” Pearl told her. “He needs _us!_ ”

“We could argue this all day and not get anywhere,” Garnet replied, seeming unconcerned by her plea. “We need to find Steven, _now._ ”

“ _Castor and Pollux_ are upstairs,” Connie told her, letting everyone know of her presence. “You know, his _components?_ Since he’s a _fusion?_ Which you _somehow didn’t notice?_ ”

Garnet glowered at her, baring her tusks. “This isn’t something you should be involved in.” Pearl’s eyebrows shot up.

“Excuse me? I hardly think you’re in any kind of position to decide something like that!”

“ _There’s no time for this!_ Something is going to happen to Steven- I don’t know what, but-” Garnet looked away. “Every time I try to look for him past today, I can’t see _anything._ That doesn’t just _happen._ ”

“Why should we even believe you!?” Amethyst yelled, shoving herself in front of Garnet. “Your _Vision_ hasn’t helped us with Steven before, why should it _now!?_ ”

But Connie held back. This one time, she didn’t say anything, didn’t add anything.

There was something going on upstairs. Someone was yelling. The sounds grew, became desperate, fraught, then… stopped.

She could’ve sworn she heard someone crying. Sobbing. Pleading. Begging.

“Guys…” She tried to interject, but the Gems wouldn’t hear her. “Guys, listen!”

“I’m not going to keep taking this kind of shit from you, Garnet!”

“I’m just trying to do what’s right for Steven-”

“ _How the fuck would you know what’s right for him!?_ ”

Connie gave a quiet, wordless scream, her hands dug into her hair. _Why won’t they just **listen!?**_

...something was wrong.

There was a weight to the air, a static, the calm before the storm. A flickering pulse of tension, a whisper at the back of her neck. Something was wrong.

On a picture frame, reflected in the glass, shone a brilliant pink glow. Connie’s eyes widened, and, tugging on Pearl’s arm, she turned to look behind her.

The arguing stopped.

They stared at him.

* * *

Pollux opened his eyes, gasping instinctively, but it felt _wrong-_ he could breathe, but his lungs did not fill, his blood did not pump.

There was someone in the room with him, at the foot of the bed, curled into a heap. They shivered, whimpering faintly. Pollux’s mind raced to the only conclusion he could think of, and he prayed he was wrong.

He looked down at his hand, and it was glowing, brilliant pink surrounding dead-white skin. He felt his face, expecting to wipe away tears, but found it dry.

“I- please- I- oh, god, I’m sorry, I- it hurts-”

Pollux stood, barely registering his own movement- one moment, he was sat awkwardly on the ground, the next, he was knelt beside his reflection. “...Castor?”

Castor’s eyes flickered open, then shut tightly, as if he were trying to shield himself from his reality. “I can’t- I can’t move, I- I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-”

“Stop talking,” Pollux told him. “Save your strength. I will get help.”

“ _No!_ They, they _can’t know,_ they…” Castor cried, his tears muffled. “...okay.” He slumped against the floor, no strength left in him to argue.

Pollux lifted him up with ease, noting briefly that he was lighter than he appeared to be. That didn’t matter. He needed to find help. Neither of them were strong enough to fuse again just yet- he was barely holding himself together, and Castor couldn’t even stand.

His purpose was clear to him: protect Castor. Protect his Human half. Keep him safe. He ignored the flashes of static and half-realized warnings and error signs that threatened to flood his mind should he let go for even a moment. When Castor was safe, he could attend to those. But not yet.

Half of his programming screamed at him to protect Castor, the other half screamed at him to dissipate, to retreat into his gemstone- but he couldn’t do one without ignoring the other.

“What- what are you doing?” Castor asked, his head buried into Pollux’s shoulder. Pollux didn’t reply, simply moving Castor’s arm so that it was slung around his neck, his own arms holding his Human half close, his gleaming white claws gripping tight, but never so tight that they might hurt.

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

I can’t- I have to protect him, I-

_/command error: program integrated_matrix_facet-D1_pavillion-1B not found_  
_/command protect him_

_/command run system reboot_

_/command protect him_

I have to protect him 

His bare feet never quite touched the ground, somehow staying just barely above it. ~~He’d walked above the crater he had created, had walked on the ground that was no longer there.~~ In a way, he was grateful for the quiet. It was hard enough dealing with the noise in his own head.

_/command run system reboot_  
_System errors are nearing critical instability. File errors must be resolved. Time before shutdown: 2 hours and 17 minutes._

I have to make sure he’s safe first

_Time before shutdown: 2 hours and 16 minutes._  
_You are running out of time, Pollux Dioscuri Quartz-Universe._

They didn’t hear him as he walked down the stairs, too caught up in their own arguing. Were they arguing about him? It didn’t matter. He had to protect Castor.

He had only just stopped moving when Connie stiffened, looking to the side. Her gaze caught on something, and, getting Pearl’s attention, she turned and stared at him.

It didn’t take long for the others to follow suit. In moments, the house was silent, save for the ever-present songs of their gemstones. ~~They were so loud sometimes, how did no-one else seem to hear them?~~ Connie was the only one to move, the other three frozen in shock. She stepped towards him, cautiously, and,

“Help him,” Pollux stated. Connie flinched at the sound of his voice, her hand moving to cover her mouth.

“Wh- _Pollux?_ What happened!? How-”

“Help him.” He couldn’t think, could barely stand- he could only hope desperately that they would understand him, would be able to help. If not…

No. He couldn’t afford to think about that.

“I- I can’t!” Connie insisted, moving towards them. “Last time, I- you fused again, and you were okay, can’t-?”

“Not stable.”

“I… is that why you split?”

Pollux nodded. “Not stable.”

“...move him to the couch.” Pollux flinched, jerking back upon hearing a new voice. Pearl. White “Crystal” Pearl Facet-PD02 Ovate-13. “W- we can call Peridot and Dr Maheswaran, they might be able to help,” she offered, staring wide-eyed at Castor’s limp form. “Is… is he awake?”

Pollux glanced down at him, shifting him slightly, receiving a half-hearted groan in response. That should be enough of an answer. Quickly, he moved over to the couch, placing Castor down as gently as he could, moving some of the pillows to better support him. Even then, he didn’t move from his side, keeping Castor’s hand held tightly in his own.

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

“...what do we do?” asked Amethyst quietly, standing beside Pearl. Pollux wondered briefly why everyone was so quiet. It seemed the whole house was holding its breath, waiting for something. For someone, maybe? He didn’t know. He didn’t care. He had to protect Castor.

“I’ll start by contacting Dr Maheswaran,” Pearl stated, her song strung through with forced confidence as she summoned her phone from her gemstone. “Connie, you know enough about Human medicine to try and keep him stable, right?”

“I can try,” Connie told her, kneeling beside Pollux. “I… I don’t know how much I can do, though.”

“Just do what you can. Amethyst, help her out, do whatever she tells you, okay?” Amethyst gave a mock salute, before running off to grab some blankets. “And Garnet…” Pearl sighed, pursing her lips. “...go get Greg. He needs to know about this.”

“I can help-” Garnet began, but she stopped when she saw the utter contempt in Pearl’s eyes. “...okay.”

Pollux watched as Garnet left and Pearl moved to the kitchen, starting up what he could only imagine was a very tense phone call. He just hoped someone would be able to help.

“Castor?” Connie asked quietly, touching him lightly on the shoulder. “Can you hear me?”

“...Connie?” His voice was quiet, weak, ~~dying.~~ “‘s that you?”

“I’m here,” she told him, grinning out of sheer relief. “I’m here.”

“...wha’ happened?”

“We are unstable. We split. We are both too weak to fuse.” Connie frowned at him.

“‘Both’?” she repeated. “But- you seem okay-”

“I am not,” he told her plainly. “I am… holding on.” Connie sighed.

“Normally I’d tell you to take care of yourself first, but…” She gestured vaguely between the two of them. “I guess you kind of are.”

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

There was a moment of silence, and, as it stretched on, Castor began to fidget. “Connie? Are you still there? Please, I- please don’t leave-”

“I’m right here,” she reassured him, frowning. “Can… can you not see me?”

Castor mumbled something in reply, curling in on himself. Connie prompted him again, and he sighed. “I can’t see anything,” he muttered, pressing a hand against the patch over his right eye. “R’member? Pollux c’n only see out the left, I c’n only see out the right- ‘n now that’s messed up too.”

“That’s gotta be really scary…” Connie mused in sympathy. “Can you still hear okay?” Castor just shrugged, still curled up awkwardly.

“Blanket delivery,” announced Amethyst, with only a fraction of her usual chaos. “Alright, Connster, you’re the boss. What’re we doing?”

Connie hummed in thought as she draped the blanket over Castor, who accepted it eagerly, clutching to it like a lifeline, even as Pollux held his other hand. “That depends. Castor, what- other than your eye, what’s, well, what’s wrong? I mean, obviously, you’re split, but…”

“Everything hurts,” he said quietly, almost shamefully. “‘s not a sharp pain, just kinda… everything aches.” He paused, thinking. “It’s a bit cold, I think? Everything feels… heavy. I- I don’t know what’s actually a problem and what’s just because… because, um… because I’m _Human._ ”

Connie groaned quietly. “Shit, of course, you don’t have any kind of point of comparison.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no, you’re- I’m annoyed at the situation, not at you,” Connie reassured him. “Uh, okay, well- you’re not bleeding, you don’t have any apparent injuries, you’re conscious enough to hold a conversation for the most part…” She ran a hand through her hair and grimaced. “I- I’m not a medical doctor, I don’t really know what I’m doing…!”

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

“It’s okay,” Castor said softly. “I… I’m okay, for now, I think. I think, I, um…” He glanced over at Pollux, squeezing his hand gently. “I think we just need to stay together.”

“We- we- we- we were not torn apart this time,” Pollux stated, his song skipping like a broken record. “You just need to rest.”

“...don’t leave. Please.”

“I won’t.” I couldn’t, even if I wanted to.

“I’ve got a heating pad somewhere in my room,” Amethyst suggested. “I can go grab that?” Castor opened his mouth to reply, but was rudely cut off by Cat Steven jumping down onto his lap without warning.

“What-!?” He tensed up, clutching onto Pollux’s hand. Connie couldn’t help but laugh a bit.

“I think we’ve already got a heating pad right here,” she said, grinning. Pollux stared quietly at the one-eyed cat, who, despite having gained a reputation for fleeing at the sight of strangers, blinked slowly at him. He blinked back, and she settled down, purring. “Oh. It’s just Cat Steven,” Castor realized. “Hi kitty,” he said, brushing his thumb over her cheek.

In an unexpected turn of events, Cat Steven is the only Steven present

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

I have to-

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

Just let me-!

_**/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found** _

Pollux fell backwards with a groan, clutching at his head. He couldn’t think, couldn’t process, not without his own void-damned programming screaming at him. He vaguely registered someone- Connie, maybe? Or was it Amethyst?- asking him what was wrong. “Runtime error,” he muttered, unable to place the usual filter between thoughts and words, his robotic nature on display for the world to see. “Insuff- in- insufficient memory allocated-d-d-d, program conflict unsolved. Restart required. Can- cannot- I don’t know how long I can hold on-”

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

Command denied

_/command run system reboot_  
_System errors are nearing critical instability. File errors must be resolved. Time before shutdown: 1 hours and 54 minutes._

Command denied

“-lux, can you hear me!? C’mon, dude, you- you don’t gotta say something if you don’t wanna, just, I dunno, gimme a thumbs up or something-!”

Pollux blinked repeatedly as the screaming static receded, replaced by the concerned faces of Amethyst and Pearl. Hesitantly, he gave them a thumbs up, and they both sighed in relief. “What even _was_ that?” asked Amethyst. Pollux frowned slightly.

“I don’t know,” he said flatly. “Where is Castor?” Amethyst moved aside, showing Pollux that his Human half still remained on the couch.

“Dude passed out a few seconds after you let go of his hand,” Amethyst told him. “Can you- whatever you did to keep him awake, we need you to do it again, yeah?” Pollux just stared ahead, unblinking, before taking Castor’s hand once again. For a few tense moments, he remained asleep, before groaning quietly.

“What, um… what…?”

“I am sorry,” Pollux said quietly. “I am… having difficulty focusing. I let go. I will not do it again.”

“...are you okay?”

“No. I will attend to myself when I know you are stable.”

“Dr Maheswaran is on her way,” Pearl commented, staying to the side. “She insisted on bringing a few others with her, but it was either that or bring you back to the hospital.”

“Did Mom say who she was bringing?” asked Connie.

“Just Nurse Gallica, I believe, but Peridot will be coming as well, and she’ll be bringing Forsterite- apparently, she knows quite a bit about the mechanics of fusion, and Peridot thinks she’ll be able to help.”

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

I can hear someone coming- two someones? Uncertain. A Ruby, and… it’s Garnet. She was getting Dad, wasn’t she?

Pollux perked up, looking towards the door- sure enough, there was someone running up the steps to the porch. Wordlessly, he pointed towards the door, alerting the other’s of Greg’s approach.

“STEVEN!?” Greg burst into the Temple house, red-faced and out of breath, but determined. “Steven, what’s…” His eyes widened as he saw what Pollux imagined seemed to be a pink-hued ghost with the face of his son. “ _...what’s going on?_ ”

Pearl walked up to him, talking to him quietly. “Steven… split,” she explained in a whisper, barely loud enough for even Pollux to hear. “Pollux… he said they weren’t stable. When a fusion’s components are far enough out of sync, they… fall apart. Castor’s incredibly weak on his own, and Pollux is…” Pearl paused. “Different. I… I’d be careful talking to him, I think.”

Pollux felt a weight in his chest, heavy and leaden. Was it because he was quiet? Of course- they expected him to be like Steven, or at least, how he was when he spoke alongside Castor. But they were split, they were out of sync. Pollux was on his own.

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

...I’m alone

Greg made his way over to them cautiously, kneeling down where Connie had been. “Castor?” he asked quietly. “You awake?” Castor gasped.

“Dad!” He tried to sit himself up, but only seemed to be hurting himself further. Still keeping his hold on Castor’s hand, Pollux lifted him upright, propping him up against the back of the couch. “I, um…” Castor laughed weakly. “This is probably kind of weird for you…”

“That doesn’t matter to me,” Greg told him, pulling him in for a hug. “Are you okay? You said you couldn’t be split up like this…”

“We shouldn’t be,” Castor admitted. “We can’t fuse again just yet though, ‘cause… well, it’s kinda complicated? And- we have to stay right next to each other, or, um… well, I kinda passed out for a bit.”

“Are _you_ okay?”

Pollux stared at Greg in surprise, taking in his worried expression. “...not yet,” he replied. “I am… not… I can’t think. We cannot fuse again until I have had time to… figure things out. I cannot do so until I know for a fact that Castor is safe.”

Greg frowned. “Pearl… she said you guys were ‘out of sync’, what’d she mean by that?” Pollux glanced over at Castor, who curled up beneath his blanket.

“We could not agree,” Pollux said simply. “Neither of us was willing to relent. We didn’t realize it would cause us to split like this.”

“‘s my fault,” Castor mumbled. “I jus’ wanted t’ be mad at you.”

“If only one of us was to blame, the other would have been able to hold on,” Pollux reasoned. “We are both at fault.”

“Are you…” Greg paused, thinking. “...are you going to be able to fuse again? Or… are you going to stay like this?”

“We’ll be Together soon enough,” Castor told him with a reassuring smile. “Just- this is just a bit of a bump in the road, yeah? We’ll be okay.”

...will we? Will we be okay when the corruption spreads and you can no longer hide it? Will we be okay when a Gem calls us their Diamond and you’re disgusted by our own thoughts?

How long can we keep this up, Castor?

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

...how long can **I** keep this up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _S̷y̸s̴t̶e̵m̸ ̶e̶r̴r̵o̴r̶s̵ ̵a̸r̵e̶ ̴n̴e̷a̵r̶i̵n̴g̶ ̴c̶r̸i̸t̴i̸c̵a̴l̵ ̴i̷n̵s̶t̴a̶b̷i̶l̸i̶t̵y̸.̸ ̴F̶i̴l̶e̷ ̴e̷r̴r̵o̵r̸s̴ ̵m̶u̶s̵t̴ ̶b̷e̷ ̵r̷e̸s̴o̵l̶v̵e̷d̵.̵_


	44. One Thing After the Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take another step  
> Take another step  
> Take another step  
>  **Take another step-**

It wasn’t long before Dr Maheswaran arrived, with Nurse Gallica hot on her heels, procuring medical equipment from her gemstone. The two of them cleared some room around the couch, telling everyone to give Castor some space. Gallica had briefly attempted to have Pollux move away as well, but her idea was shot down _very_ quickly.

Peridot and Forsterite arrived soon after, bringing their own equipment as well, until the couch resembled a hospital bed all on its own. Out of the four of them, Forsterite was the only one who remained unsurprised by Pollux’s apparent change in behavior. Both he and Castor were hooked up to dozens of electrodes and the like, though, thankfully, no needles this time.

Pollux wondered briefly if that would even do anything- did Gems even have blood? They could still blush, but they didn’t seem to have a heartbeat. The monitors showed that he certainly didn’t.

The most unnerving revelation, though, was the scar on Castor’s stomach. The bulk of it was a perfectly round dent, slightly discolored, and in the exact spot where a gemstone should be. ~~Where _he_ should be.~~ Above and below it, however, were two long, vicious gouges. While the dent seemed almost a natural part of Castor’s anatomy, the gouges were _not,_ having scarred over unevenly.

~~They were the spots where two massive black fingernails had ripped Steven in two. Where She had torn him from his own body.~~

The moment he saw the scar, Pollux held Castor’s hand just a bit tighter, moving it gently so that his fingertips brushed against the facets of the gemstone they were meant to share. Though Pollux knew he couldn’t see the scarring himself, Castor seemed to understand, running his blunted claws against the edge of the table facet.

It seemed to Pollux as if he were moving in slow motion- like everyone else was on a different timescale, and only he and Castor remained in reality. People asked him questions- “I need to do this, is that okay?” and “Do you know who I am?” and “Has Castor said anything further to you?” He tried to respond quickly, but they always seemed to act like he was moving too slowly, like they were having to repeat themselves. They probably were.

If not for Castor’s grounding presence, Pollux might’ve thought himself to be dreaming. Even Connie seemed altered, unreal. Flat. Pollux felt as if he let go of Castor’s hand for even a moment, he’d get pulled away by the undercurrents of this half-reality.

There were brief moments of lucidity, but they were almost always sparked by a moment of fear. Someone would touch him on the shoulder, just trying to get his attention, and before Pollux had even processed it, he and Castor would be entombed in a pink polyhedral dome. Then he would pause, lower the dome, talk for a few moments, answer some questions, and, inevitably, return to that ocean of unreality.

A hand waved in front of his face. “Pollux? Pollux, I need you to listen to me, okay?” He blinked, staring at the speaker- Dr Maheswaran, her usually well-kept hair pulled back into a frazzled bun. He hummed quietly in response, which she seemed to accept. “Look, I- I know you don’t want to move away from your… _brother,_ I suppose would be the closest term, but- we can’t figure out how to help him unless we know what exactly is happening, okay?”

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

“You can’t figure out what’s wrong with us.”

Dr Maheswaran seemed put off by his wording, but didn’t say anything of it. “He…” She trailed off, looking over at Castor, who lay unconscious on the couch cushions. “He’s not…”

“His body is deteriorating,” said Peridot, lacking her usual enthusiasm, instead, looking down at the floor, fidgeting with her hands in much the same way Pearl tended to. “I- I have some theories as to why, but we need to test them.”

Pollux frowned slightly, processing what they’d just told him. “You- you need me to move away from him.”

“Just for a few minutes!” Dr Maheswaran reassured him. “And you can come right back. But… this is information we need.”

“I’ll go with you,” said Connie quietly, nearly putting a hand on Pollux’s shoulder, before thinking better of it. “I can take care of you for a bit, if that’s okay?”

‘Take care of’ me. As if I were a child to be looked after.

...I kind of am, aren’t I?

I’m still just a kid

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

Command denied.

Carefully, Pollux let go of Castor’s hand, forcing himself to still keep his mind focused on reality. Seeing him just lay there on the couch, quiet, still…

Pollux started to understand why Humans tended to be put off by how quietly Steven slept. Castor barely moved. The only sign of life, now that Pollux could no longer feel his heartbeat, was the monitors at his side.

_/command run system reboot: unresolved file errors found_

It was like walking through molasses as he fought against his own mind, walking away from his Human half. If Pollux was not protecting him, why could he not allow the reboot? (whatever that meant- he didn’t even know, and wasn’t exactly excited to find out) When Connie quietly offered him her hand, he accepted it gladly, allowing her to practically drag him away.

“You gonna be alright?” she asked him softly once they were sitting out on the front deck.

“I never- he- I didn’t-” Pollux squeezed his eyes shut, frustrated at his own broken speech. Taking his time on each word, he eventually told her, “...Steven never felt alien, or mechanical, even after we learned more of our own heritage. We always thought of ourself as Human first and Gem second. But… I am...” Pollux’s song remained flat, toneless, and he did not meet Connie’s eyes. “I am not Human.”

* * *

While there are some Gems that might be mistaken for a Human at a distance, the closer you get, the more evident the differences are. There aren’t as many as you might expect, with Gems being a completely alien species; in theory, they look quite Human, just with some alien traits. But in practice…

Gems don’t need to breathe. They don’t need to blink- if they do, it’s usually a sign of confusion. They have fangs and claws like a wild animal, and speak in a language of song. They don’t have any body hair naturally, even if some, like Amethyst, choose to have it. They don’t have any pores or blemishes on what passes for skin. Their bodies are perfectly symmetrical.

It’s… odd, to say the least. Alien. Inhuman.

Steven had, as with so many things, always been the exception. Connie hadn’t even realized just how _Human_ he was until she saw him with the other Gems. When she’d first met Steven, she saw him as magical, and strange. But the Gems? They weren’t just alien, they weren’t even _alive,_ at least in terms of what most considered to be ‘life’.

Yes, Steven had nails that curled like claws, he had thick fangs and tusks that could chew through almost anything, he had eyes that stayed pitch-black in any light, he had skin that stayed a pale pink and never burnt even under the harshest sun, and when he spoke, it was with the sounds of the beachside. But despite all that, he seemed… Human.

Connie wanted to reassure Pollux, tell him that he was still part of Steven, tell him that there was still some aspect of him that was Human. But, she couldn’t, not without feeling she was lying to him.

So, she simply said, “Are you going to be okay with that?”

“I suppose I’ll have to.”

“I guess so.” Connie paused, following Pollux’s gaze back through the window. “...if it’s not too prying, what made you two, um… what-”

“You want to know what caused us to split,” Pollux stated. He kept his eyes on Castor, and his tone remained flat.

“I’m not gonna push if you don’t want to talk about it. I mean… you’re gonna have to talk to _him_ about it, obviously, but…”

Pollux paused, a hint of thought and confusion finding its way on his otherwise expressionless face- a slight quirk of the eyebrows, an almost imperceptible frown. Then he stood suddenly, not even bothering to move the chair he saw on first. “Not here,” he told Connie. “I do not wish Castor to know that I told you, not just yet, so I will talk to you down on the beach.” Connie wondered if Pollux even realized how demanding he sounded, and decided that, all things considered, this probably wasn’t the best time to bring it up.

“Why do you not want him to know?” she asked as Pollux waited for her to move down the stairs. He followed close behind, until-

Pollux stopped in his tracks, his eyes wide open, his pupils like crosshairs. He whispered something to himself, his song reaching Connie’s ears untranslated- it was entirely synthetic, mechanical, like the soundtrack to an arcade game. Pollux’s gaze was unfocused, his eyes moving as if he were dreaming, and

he

fell.

Connie gasped as she dashed forwards, catching Pollux before he hit the wood beneath him. “Pollux? _Pollux!_ What’s going on!?”

The door to the Temple house slammed open, and Connie looked up to see Forsterite, all four of her eyes open wide in panic. “Get him in here _now!_ ” she demanded, leaving no room for argument. Connie hefted Pollux up as best as she could on her own, but he was apparently far denser than he looked, and she had to hand him over to Forsterite.

The two of them rushed back in, Pollux in tow, to find a scene of chaos. Connie heard her mother’s voice commanding, making herself heard over the cacophony of machines, all of them screaming the same thing: _something’s wrong._

Castor was on the floor now, curled up onto his side, his body twitching, jerking, like he’d been electrified. The coffee table had been pulled away, and one of the couch pillows was propping up his head. Connie noted that she’d probably caught the tail end of whatever had happened, given that things seemed to be dying down. “What’s going _on?_ ”

Nurse Gallica took notice of her as Forsterite moved Pollux onto the couch, diagonal from where Castor had been. “Knight Connie! Did something happen to Pi- to Pollux?”

“I’m not sure- he seemed okay at first, but, he wanted to show me something, down at the beach, and… he just, stopped? He was really out of it, and then he just… fell over.”

“HA! Validation!” announced Peridot triumphantly, and though she seemed enthusiastic, she was far less so than usual. “It _is_ distance based- having them next to each other like this ought to stabilize them.”

Connie huffed. “Again- _what’s going on?_ ”

Her mother sighed. “Castor had what _looked_ to be a seizure, though the readings don’t quite make sense- though I’m rather used to that by now. Forsterite, could you move him back up onto the couch? I think Peridot’s right, having them too far apart is what caused it.” Dr Maheswaran sighed, running her hand through her hair. “I suppose there is a silver lining here- we know what the problem is now.” She glanced up, seeing Greg, Pearl, and Amethyst, all watching intently, but keeping their distance. “You three can go and sit at the table a moment, I’ll join you there. I’d prefer to only have to explain this once.”

“Shouldn’t we get Garnet?” asked Greg innocently. “I mean, she’ll want to know what’s going on too, right?”

Amethyst laughed bitterly. “Yeah, how about _no._ ” Greg frowned, but didn’t say anything further. Forsterite and Nurse Gallica continued tending to Castor and Pollux, while the rest of them moved to the table.

“I’d like to start off by summarizing what Peridot told me earlier,” Dr Maheswaran began, her hands templed. “This will likely be just a review for most of you, but it’s new information for me, and I would like to ensure that we’re all on the same page.” Amethyst raised her hand. “...yes?”

“Please assume I know _nothing._ ”

“...I’ll take that into consideration. So: Gems are, in the most simplistic terms, _incredibly_ advanced computers, far, _far_ past anything known to Humans, with their gemstones using a sort of… what did you call it?”

“Multi-dimensional folding,” said Peridot. “It lets you put lots of things into a relatively small space- same reason we can store stuff in our gemstones!” As an example, she summoned what looked to be a broken hairbrush into the palm of her hand.

“Well, the _point_ is, Gems are very complicated AI, with their bodies being essentially a hologram, thus the whole ‘made of light’. That light can be manipulated in various ways- ie, shapeshifting, the summoning of weapons, the manipulation of various elements- all of these things are only possible _because_ of Gems’ unique structure.”

“Yeah, but- hold on,” said Amethyst. “Steven can do all that stuff, and _he’s_ not a candy gram or whatever, right? I mean, he needs to eat n’ stuff.”

Peridot and Dr Maheswaran glanced at each other, the tension in their expressions almost palpable in the air. “...that’s the thing,” said Peridot hesitantly. “He _is._ ”

“It’s more complicated than that,” Dr Maheswaran insisted, before anyone could add anything. “By almost _any_ definition, and according to almost all of our tests, Steven is a Human with Gem-like traits, and Castor is simply Human. But, in practice… he is still made of light.”

“That- that doesn’t make any sense…” fretted Pearl. “...does it?”

“It doesn’t,” Connie agreed, frowning. “Gems aren’t- well, this is going to come out wrong, but, they’re not as _complicated_ as Humans. _In physical terms!_ ” she added as both Pearl and Peridot gave her unimpressed looks.

“You are right about that,” her mother agreed. “Humans have organ systems, made of individual organs, made of individual cells, made of various organelles. And so do Steven and Castor. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I wouldn’t be able to tell that Castor is any different from any other Human.”

“Which is why I’m here!” said Peridot. “Or, more specifically, my scanner.” She gestured over to one of the devices sitting on the kitchen counter, as they’d run out of room on the coffee table. “After running some brief tests, we’ve determined that Castor’s body is made of light, _and_ made of individual cells- because those cells _are_ made of light.”

“A Gem’s ‘skin’ is made up of layers and layers of microscopic interconnecting plates,” Dr Maheswaran continued. “Each plate is so thin as to be nearly two-dimensional, and is very simplistic. In Castor’s case, his _cells_ are made of those same interconnecting plates, each one playing a specialized role.”

“However!” said Peridot. “A Gem’s form is projected by their gemstone, and is maintained by it as well. And since Castor doesn’t have a gemstone of his own, he is relying on Pollux. They’re effectively similar to crystal twins- such as the Rutile Twins- in that they are two individuals sharing a singular gemstone, but in this case, they are capable of being physically split… for better or worse.”

“The moment they unfused, Castor’s ‘light cells’ started to decay. It’s a slow process, even more so when they’re physically nearby, but… until we can find a way to temporarily replace Pollux as a power source for Castor… he’s on a time limit.”

...Connie felt numb. She knew she should be reacting to this. But she _wasn’t._ If anything, she felt distracted, almost bored. She wanted to scream at herself- Steven was _dying,_ and she couldn’t even bring herself to care?

Greg’s question of how long Castor would last on his own sounded far away, distant. Connie barely heard it when her mother told them that they had at least a week yet- but the longer they went, the worse Castor’s condition would get.

Pollux was awake.

Connie met his eyes, but neither of them said anything. Pollux was still laying on the couch, but his eyes were wide open, staring silently.. She didn’t blame him- she didn’t really want to be involved in the conversation either.

How did he feel about it? How would Castor feel about it? How would _Steven_ feel about it?

...she missed him.

Connie knew he wasn’t really _gone,_ per se, and she did everything she could to appreciate the company of his components. But so many things that they did would remind her that they weren’t Steven, not really. No, no, that wasn’t the problem- the problem was that they were _too_ much like him. Connie would see him in the way Pollux would listen to her talk, in the way Castor would smile at her. But… he was still gone.

(A part of her, one that Connie refused to acknowledge, wondered if he was going to come back, really. Even if Castor and Pollux fused again, they seemed to prefer being their own individuals. How horrible of her, that she would want them to be Steven despite that. She didn’t know how she could _stand_ herself.)

* * *

One moment, he is talking with Connie, wanting to confide in her, to tell her everything- it’s so _loud,_ he can barely think, he can’t think he can’t think he can’t think he can’t- he can’t keep holding this in- they look at him and see a Diamond and- if he’s not Human, what is he?- he isn’t even really a person- he is a gravestone, and he is-

_/command run system reboot_   
_System errors are nearing critical instability. File errors must be resolved. Time before shutdown: 1 hours and 39 minutes._

Pollux was so busy with the sound of his own thoughts that he didn’t even register the pull, the tension, until it _snapped._

The next thing he knew, he was waking up to a revelation.

A revelation, and another ticking clock.

Ignoring the sounds of surprise as he sat up, Pollux reached over to Castor, briefly taking his hand. There’s… there has to be some way I can help him, right? He needs energy, I have energy.... I am energy. Can I not just…?

The glow around his form dimmed, ever so slightly, and Pollux could feel a warmth around his hand, like he was holding it close to a fire. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but Castor already seemed to look healthier, his skin losing some of its pallor.

Forsterite was staring at him. “...how’d you do that?” she asked quietly.

“...I’m not sure,” Pollux admitted. “I just… wanted to… I wanted to help him.”

“You certainly did that,” said Forsterite. “Whatever it is you did, Cass’ vitals are a good deal better than they were.” She turned, gesturing for Dr Maheswaran to join her. “Here, see?” She pointed at one of the monitors, though Pollux understood next to nothing of what he was looking at. “Kid’s doin’ way better.”

Dr Maheswaran smiled, sighing with relief. “Well that’s certainly a load off our shoulders,” she said. “If you can keep doing… whatever it is you did, Castor should be just fine.”

Yeah, too fucking bad I have LESS THAN TWO HOURS LEFT BEFORE I FORCIBLY SHUT DOWN, DR MOMHESWARAN

“...I can’t,” said Pollux quietly, not wanting to risk the activation of his destructive powers. “He is not the only one who’s unstable.”

Dr Maheswaran frowned, looking over at Forsterite. She shrugged helplessly, asking, “Wha’d’ya mean?”

“I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like… there’s something- something- something wrong. In my mind. Like… instinct, but, I can hear it. My own thoughts, but I’m not choosing to think them.” Pollux scratched at his arm with the curved side of his claws. “I know that doesn’t make much sense.”

“Makes complete sense,” said Forsterite. “‘s programming, yeah? Most’ve the time it’s just the same as instinct, y’don’t really know it’s _there,_ ‘cause it’s part of you. But when it’s like, _a big deal,_ you can.”

“Are you sure?” asked Pearl, joining them. The others stayed behind at the table, with Nurse Gallica reassuring them that everything was fine- not that Pollux agreed that that was true. “I can’t imagine Rose would have allowed any of her programming to pass on to Steven…”

“No, no, you’re thinking of .̴̗̘̽/̸͒͜,̷̳̾-̵̨_̶͔͂/̸̧̲̾̈́, I’m talking about ,̴͘͜,̶̰̒^̴̮̀v̷̞̿]̵̧̓,” said Forsterite, making Dr Maheswaran’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise.

“I don’t think that quite translated,” she noted.

“Uhh… well, ,̴͘͜,̶̰̒^̴̮̀v̷̞̿]̵̧̓ is like- it’s kinda the stuff that’s just a natural part of a Gem? Some of it Rose must’ve wiped if Steven had to ‘grow up’, ‘cause Gems know how to talk n’ stuff the moment we emerge. But some of it’s for stuff like, how to maintain your form- stuff you don’t really think about, yeah? Like, Humans just _know_ how to breathe, you don’t gotta learn it.”

“I’m not talking about that, though, I’m talking about .̴̗̘̽/̸͒͜,̷̳̾-̵̨_̶͔͂/̸̧̲̾̈́,” insisted Pearl.

“Again- _translation please-_ ”

“.̴̗̘̽/̸͒͜,̷̳̾-̵̨_̶͔͂/̸̧̲̾̈́ is what the Diamonds added,” said Pollux quietly, bitterly. “Keeps Gems from straying from their role.”

“Unfortunately, it’s also where our individuality originates,” said Forsterite. “You can’t take it away without getting rid’ve who we are- and _that’s_ the part Rose scrapped to make these two,” she noted, pointing at Castor and Pollux.

“And what you’re _saying_ is that he’s hearing that same .̴̗̘̽/̸͒͜,̷̳̾-̵̨_̶͔͂/̸̧̲̾̈́,” Pearl argued.

“...I think she’s right,” Pollux mused, drawing everyone’s attention to him. He drew in on himself, but continued. “We… Steven still had some of her memories of being Pink Diamond, mostly just dreams, or… memories of memories, I guess.”

“That’s _different-!_ ”

WHY? BECAUSE YOU CAN’T STAND THE THOUGHT THAT I’M A **DIAMOND!?**

Pollux clenched his fists, letting the pain in his palms distract him from his anger. He was glad he couldn’t bleed just now. It’d be very annoying to explain that, not to mention cleaning it up. “It doesn’t matter one way or the other,” he said calmly. “I am going to shut down in one hour and twenty-six minutes.”

“That is not a lot of time to find a solution-!”

“I know,” Pollux growled. “I didn’t realize it was a problem. I just wanted to help Castor.” He paused. “I’m sorry,” he added, almost instinctively, ritualistically.

Forsterite sighed. “...I guess we’re off to the races, then.”

* * *

Everyone present was quickly assigned roles- Amethyst as The Hoarder of Useful Junk; Pearl, Peridot, and Forsterite’s components as The Smart People (she’d split in order to cover more ground); Greg and Connie as The Ones Making Sure Castor’s Okay; and Dr Maheswaran and Nurse Gallica as The Ones Telling the Smart People How to Not Kill Humans.

Pollux quickly resigned himself to his role as Official Guinea Pig.

“I would like you to know that I would be complaining about this if we were not on a time limit,” he noted, looking at the rather silly amount of electrodes and such hooked up to the facets of his gemstone.

“Understood!” said Peridot. “Now, tell me as soon as you can feel this-”

* * *

“Okay but, can’t we just stick him under that sun lamp thing we got?”

Dr Maheswaran sighed, putting her head in her hands. “Once again, Humans are not capable of producing photovoltaic energy, Amethyst.”

* * *

“...Pollux? What’s going on?”

“...that is a very long story.”

“Pollux-”

“I am probably going to be forcibly dissipated in about an hour and there’s nothing I can do about it, which is an issue because you will slowly die without me providing energy to you. Also you’re going to have to deal with another existential crisis later.”

“I WAS ASLEEP FOR LIKE AN HOUR OR SO!”

“We live very exciting lives.”

* * *

“Alright, screw it, I’m taking this dang eyepatch off, it keeps digging into my face whenever I try and lay dow-” Castor froze, blinking rapidly. “Oh. Oh! I can see! Sort of!”

Dr Maheswaran looked over at him in surprise. “Really?”

“Well, I mean, I can see like- it’s all really blurry? I can see light and shadow and a few blobs of color, but that’s not nothing!” He looked around the room, pausing when he saw Pollux. “Oh, wow, you’re really glowy.”

“I noticed,” Pollux mused, and while his tone was annoyed, a hint of amusement and fondness stayed on his expression. “No, I don’t know why that’s the case.”

“The most likely theory is that it’s due to your form attempting to compensate for Castor’s absence!” added Peridot loudly from across the house. Castor giggled.

“You’re like a big ol’ nightlight,” he said, the sing-song quality of his voice making him sound almost drunk in his laughter.

“I thought it’d be best if I could lighten up the situation,” Pollux replied in complete and utter deadpan.

“...oh no.”

“Do you not appreciate me making light of things?”

“Pollux no-”

“I mean, it’s always best to look on the bright side of things, really-”

“I regret everything, Connie help me-”

“You brought this on yourself.”

* * *

“You’re totally certain you can’t just fuse again?” offered Peridot awkwardly.

“ _YES,_ ” replied both halves, their overlapping songs sounding eerily like Steven’s. “Plus I think I’m gonna break my fucking ankles if I try to stand up.”

Dr Maheswaran was immediately incensed. “Castor-!”

“I’m _dying,_ I think I’m allowed to swear.”

“Miss Pearl, you can’t possibly-”

Pearl just waved it off. “Oh please, it’s not like he doesn’t know what he’s saying. Besides, do you really think he learned all those Gemsong swears _only_ from Amethyst and Peridot?”

“I taught him the word ‘clod’ within days of befriending him!” added Peridot helpfully.

Greg put a hand on Dr Maheswaran’s shoulder, his expression solemn. “You’re fighting a losing battle here, ma’am.”

* * *

“So, the first one-”

“,̴͘͜,̶̰̒^̴̮̀v̷̞̿]̵̧̓ .”

“I’m going to save myself the embarrassment and not try to copy that.” Connie tapped her nail against her phone. “I think the best word here’s gonna be _motus-_ direct translation is ‘instinct’, I _think_ it’s the root for ‘motive’, but I don’t remember, and the syllable emphasis fits with the notes.”

“Are you really gonna try and find pronounceable equivalents to every single untranslatable Gemsong word?”

“No, but I’m bored out of my mind and this helps distract me from the growing sense of panic in the back of my head.”

“That’s fair!”

“So, for the other one, I’m thinking either _mandatum_ or _admonitus-_ or _impero_ if it’s more of a verb.”

“What’s a verb again?”

“An action, occurrence, or state of being.”

“Ohh. Yeah, I don’t think .̴̗̘̽/̸͒͜,̷̳̾-̵̨_̶͔͂/̸̧̲̾̈́,’s a verb, then.”

“ _Mandatum_ is sort of like ‘mandate’, yeah? I think that’s more appropriate.”

“ _Mandatum_ it is then.”

“I still don’t know what any of you are talking about,” added Dr Maheswaran.

* * *

“He won’t like it if you take a photo.”

Greg sighed, putting down the camera. “Yeah, but… I mean, you look so sweet like this!”

Pollux turned his head ever so slightly, just enough that he could look over at Castor, who was sleeping soundly against his shoulder, a thick quilt covering both of them. “He will be annoyed at you. Even if he doesn’t say it.”

“...I won’t show it to anyone. I… I just want to have a photo of the two of you like- like this.” Greg smiled awkwardly. “I… I dunno.”

“...just one. And you may not show _anyone._ ”

“Thank you.”

“...you are not… the others treat me strangely.” Pollux glanced over at the table, where the others were all grouped together, with Peridot gesturing wildly at a chalkboard she’d found somewhere. “You don’t.”

“Yeah, Pearl seemed kind of weirded out? I… honestly, I don’t get why.”

“I don’t act like Steven.”

Greg snorted. “Uh-huh. Yeah, they also didn’t know you- him? I’m sticking with ‘you’- as a little kid. You’d just sit and stare at something for hours, just… you’d get fascinated by a, a plastic _bottle cap_ or something. And- around people you knew, sure, you’d be loud as ever, but the moment it was someone you’d _never met?_ ” He chuckled. “The first time it was Jaime delivering mail instead of Barb, you ended up scaring the poor guy off just by _staring_ at him. I didn’t even know until _a week later!_ I just thought I hadn’t got any mail!”

“...I think I actually remember that,” Pollux mused.

“Yeah, well… a lot of that stuff, I thought you just, _grew out of,_ y’know?” Greg sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I’m just kinda worried that you actually just learned to hide it better.”

“...we did. We would… Steven would talk to himself. Often. People got concerned sometimes. More than sometimes.” Pollux paused, adjusting his arm around Castor’s shoulder. “I remember being the ‘weird kid’. There weren’t a lot of kids our age, so… we… hung out with each other, I suppose. We would act like we were doing voices for our toys so that people wouldn’t think we were talking to thin air.” He frowned. “...I didn’t even realize that before.”

“I think a lot more of Steven is from you than you give yourself credit for.”

“I…” Pollux trailed off, then smiled- it wasn’t a grin, just a smile, but that in itself meant so much. “Thank you, Dad.”

“Anytime, kid.”

* * *

Both Castor and Pollux were startled into wakefulness by a loud -THUD- of something heavy being slammed down onto the coffee table. It was shaped like a hockey puck, with three metal cylinders held inside it, making a triangle shape, with a red LED in the very middle.

Peridot stood triumphant, hands on her hips, as she presented the object to them. “Tah-dah!”

“...I have no idea what that is,” stated Pollux, squinting. Castor nodded in agreement as he yawned loudly.

“It’s essentially an energy storage unit and converter,” explained Pearl. “It will function as a temporary power source for Castor- it’s not nearly as complex or efficient as the real thing, but it will do.”

“There’s enough charge in there to keep you going for at least a month,” added Forsterite, Together once again and wiping what looked to be engine grease- what Pollux _hoped_ was engine grease- off of her mottled hands. “I’ll work on making a proper version, since this is just the prototype, really, but, I mean- it _works._ ”

“Admittedly, we’ve only tested it using Holo-Pearls so far,” Pearl noted. “I was able to stop powering them completely, and this maintained them exceptionally well.”

“I’d like to think I’m a _bit_ more complex than a Holo-Pearl,” Castor grumbled.

“It’s proof of concept,” said Pollux. “However, we… we should test it.”

“How much time do you have left?” asked Pearl anxiously.

“Twelve minutes.”

“ _Oh shining stars above that was very close-_ ” Pearl wheezed, propping her hands up on her knees.

“...we don’t have to test it right away, though,” said Castor quietly, looking at the object on the table apprehensively. “I mean, I’ll still be okay for a while.”

Pollux frowned. “We shouldn’t risk it…”

Castor took his hand, squeezing it tightly. “I’m not worried about me,” he muttered. “The proximity thing… I don’t think it’s just in one direction. When we… when we were… _split,_ the first time… you didn’t smile until we were touching.”

“...oh.”

“I don’t want you to feel that again.”

“...thank you.”

“Yeah.”

* * *

The others gave them their space, though Connie stayed with them, in case anything happened. Even if she couldn’t directly help, she could let the others know there was a problem. Even with the power store around his neck, Castor was only barely able to stand on his own, so Pollux had to help him up the stairs. The three of them sat now on Steven's bed, with Castor and Pollux leaning against each other.

“Everyone’s acting like I’m going to die,” Pollux muttered, running a thumb over one of his facets.

“Right?” Castor threw his hands up in the air. “Like, you’re probably going to either pass out or poof. I mean, still not great, but like…”

“Everyone’s scared,” said Connie. “Everything’s just… it’s one thing after the other.”

“Isn’t that how it’s always been?” asked Castor casually. “I mean- this is honestly the longest we’ve gone without having some big major thing we have to deal with- the Cluster, the Zoo, Homeworld, finding out about Mom, then having to try and _fix_ Homeworld, then Spinel, then Little Homeworld-”

“I didn’t- but you got breaks in between those, right?”

Castor and Pollux glanced at each other, then looked back at Connie, both shrugging in an identical manner, at the exact same time. “Not really,” said Castor. “It’s okay though! Keeps us busy, right?”

“We can be helpful that way.”

“We’re _useful._ ”

“Neede-” Pollux cut himself off with a startled gasp, his hand clutching at his gemstone. “Oh. That's... really unpleasant.” Castor took his other hand, moving it away from where it scratched habitually at his thigh. “Oh. Sorry. And, um, thank you.”

“You’ll be back soon, right?” asked Castor, his voice small and fragile.

“Yes. I know I will. I… I think… I just need to sort through some things.” Connie moved away from them, quietly, giving them their space. Castor rubbed at his cheek with the butt of his hand, wiping away pale pink tears.

“I don’t want to do this on my own,” he muttered, too quiet for Connie to hear. “I’m- I’m not Whole.”

“Just because we’re not Together doesn’t mean you’re not Whole.”

“Doesn’t it?”

“No. It doesn’t.”

“...I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’d be very annoyed if you didn’t.”

It was Castor who put one hand gently on Pollux’s shoulder, but Pollux that pulled him in tightly, holding him close. “I don’t want to be alone,” he whispered, his tears blending in with Pollux’s form.

“You’re not alone. _We’re_ not alone.”

“I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“Then don’t. I’ll be back, you know.”

“I know. But I’ve never had to be without you like this, though. So it feels like goodbye.”

“Then maybe just… 'see you soon'?”

Castor smiled through his tears, meeting Pollux's eyes, their pink glow cutting through his blurred vision. “Yeah. I'll see you soon.”

* * *

And time ran out.

And the room was filled with rose-colored clouds, smelling like apples and almonds and strawberries.

And the dust settled, leaving red and magenta embers twinkling in the air.

And Castor clutched at the device that he wore at his neck.

And a Diamond gemstone dropped onto the bed, barely making a sound, its facets on display for all to see.

And Connie moved over to Castor, holding him close, letting him sob into her shoulder, as he clutched his brother’s gemstone against his chest.

~~And Pollux woke up.~~

~~~~

~~~~


	45. Take Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What am I meant to do?  
> What am I meant for?  
>  ~~No-one needs me. So why am I still here?~~

Castor didn’t know how long he’d sat there for, Connie cradling him in her arms, the gemstone he held pressing into his chest. He could _feel_ his other half’s absence, like a weight, a pressure. Nature abhors a vacuum, and Pollux had left a hole in him. Rather literally, actually- he’d felt the indent on his stomach, felt the raised skin where black claws had cut through Steven’s form, to grasp the gemstone that Castor now held.

He cried until he could cry no longer, until his tears ran dry.

“...what do you want to do now?” murmured Connie, looking at anything but the Diamond gemstone.

“Don’t know,” replied Castor, unable to see anything more than the vague shape of blurred facets. “I don’t… I don’t…” He sniffled. “I can’t leave him. I won’t leave him.”

Connie nodded. “Is it okay if I go and tell the others what happened?” Castor gave a brief hum of affirmation, his gaze still glued to the gemstone in his hands. “...do you want to come with me? Or just stay here?”

“I won’t leave him,” Castor repeated.

“I’m not asking you to. You can- you can bring him with you.”

“...I think I just need some time,” Castor told her quietly.

I just need to be Whole again

“Okay. I’m not gonna be far, yeah? Just downstairs. And you can text me if you need anything.” Connie smiled. “Even if you think it’s something silly.”

“...thank you.”

* * *

The tension in the Temple house was almost physical, like a thick miasma that hung in the air. Peridot and Nurse Gallica were tending to their equipment almost obsessively, while Forsterite’s components simply sat together quietly. Connie’s mother sat at the table with everyone else, tapping her well-trimmed nails against the wood. Pearl was sat stiff as a board, her hands folded neatly, while Greg was slouched, almost crumpled over, rubbing at his chin. Amethyst was nowhere to be seen, surprisingly.

Pearl was the first one to notice Connie coming down the stairs, her wide eyes snapping to attention. “Is he… are they alright?” she asked hesitantly, afraid to know the answer to her own question.

Connie paused, but nodded. “Castor’s fine- well, physically, I guess. Pollux… um… dissipated. Castor… he’s staying with him- with his gemstone. He’s… still really really freaked out. I think I am, too.”

“He’ll be okay though?” asked Greg frantically. “I mean- he’s a Gem, this is normal for you guys, right?” he asked, mainly of Pearl, who looked away, wringing her hands in her lap.

“R- right,” she told him, forcing a smile. “He- he’ll be back before you know it! And- we, we just have to wait, for now.”

“How long does this usually take?” Greg asked. “I mean, it must’ve happened to Rose a few times, right?”

“...just once, actually,” Pearl said, her smile dropping for a moment. “And… it… it took her _months_ to reform…” She looked up, putting on a happy face once again. “But she was also making _significant_ changes to her form, I’m sure that was just an outlier!”

“He’s also a Diamond, though…” mused Peridot, having left her project. “The general rule is, the rarer the Gem, the longer they take to reform.”

“Th- that’s hardly a _rule,_ though,” Pearl insisted. “I mean, I’m a _Pearl,_ and I rarely ever take less than a _week!_ ” she said with a laugh. “I’m sure Pollux wouldn’t want to keep anyone waiting!”

“Wh- you don’t know how long it’ll take, then?” Greg asked, the panic in his tone rising.

“It could be anywhere from fifteen minutes to seven weeks,” Peridot admitted awkwardly. “There’s just too many variables in play.”

“But he _will_ be back, right?”

“Of course he will!” insisted Pearl. “W- we just have to… wait… he’ll come back!” Her smile fell slightly. “Eventually.”

“Hey, uh-” Connie looked over at the new voice, seeing Hephaestus, Forsterite’s Bismuth component, looking rather awkward. “Can, um- is there anything we can do?” She glanced over at Pearl. “To help out.”

“I told Castor he could text me if he needed anything,” Connie told her.

“No, I mean, uh- well-” Heph glanced over at Galatea anxiously, who just sighed in amusement.

“What she means is, can we help Pollux in any way?” she elaborated. “Since Crystal Peridot and I do have some bit of expertise here.”

“I might be able to help as well,” offered Gallica. “I- I mean, I’ve no programmed knowledge, but I do have a bit of experience here.”

“I think Castor wants to be left alone for right now,” said Connie awkwardly. “But, maybe when, uh… we’re a bit less shell-shocked, yeah?”

“ _...I need to see him,_ ” Pearl whispered to herself.

“Wh- Pearl? What did you say?”

“I need to see him,” she stated loudly, standing up suddenly, her chair scraping against the floor.

“I literally _just_ said he wants to be left alone-!”

“Just for a moment,” Pearl said, tears already beading up in her eyes, though her expression stayed resolute. “I- he doesn’t know what he’s doing, what to look for- Pollux might be hurt, or unstable, and Castor wouldn’t be able to know. And…” She wrung her hands together. “I just…” She sighed, looking up at Connie, who blocked her path to the stairs. “I just need to see him.”

“...I’ll text Castor,” Connie told her. “But if he says no, I am _not_ letting you up there.” She didn’t voice her fear that, if Pearl tried to push past her, there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

She’d learned that lesson all too well in White’s head.

Pearl nodded, her shoulders falling. “I- I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted like that,” she admitted.

“We’re all stressed right now,” Greg told her, putting a hand on her shoulder. Pearl flinched away instinctively, but relaxed when she saw who it was. “You don’t always think straight when you’re scared, you know.”

 **berry knight**  
[] Pearl wants to see him

 **biscuit boy(s)**  
[] what??? why????

 **berry knight**  
[] I think she just wants to know he’s okay  
[] like  
[] relatively okay

 **biscuit boy(s)**  
[] … is it just her?  
[] that wants to see him, i mean

 **berry knight**  
[] everyone’s kind of freaked out, I think

 **biscuit boy(s)**  
[] ??? why?  
[] theyre used to this kind of thing  
[] when Pearl got poofed they just kind of, did whatever for two weeks  
[] why do they care *now*  
[] ?

 **berry knight**  
[] ...didn’t you say that was the first time you ever saw any of them get dissipated?  
[] and that you had nightmares about it?

 **biscuit boy(s)**  
[] yeah  
[] why?

Connie sighed, the top of her phone thunking against her forehead.

 **berry knight**  
[] that’s…  
[] that’s probably a Very Long Conversation for another time  
[] so I’ll just file that under ‘yikes’ for now and move on  
[] are you okay with Pearl checking on Pollux: yes or no

She watched as the bubbled ellipsis blinked in and out and in and out, waiting patiently for the eventual reply.

 **biscuit boy(s)**  
[] yeah  
[] i dont think its good for me to be alone right now

* * *

Pearl moved to knock on the door, but found that it was already unlocked and ajar. She peered in cautiously, not wanting to startle Castor.

He was sat on the ground, now, looking out through the side door and onto the beach, where the town lay nestled on the other side of the hill. Even from the other side of the room, Pearl could see the familiar shape that was cradled in his hands.

“...Castor?”

Castor gave a short hum in response, his song lacking the bright chiptunes Pearl was accustomed to, filled instead with the quiet plucks of a guitar string. Pearl accepted the invitation, and entered the room cautiously, slowly, before sitting down beside him.

It had been midday when Pollux had carried him down those stairs, his face and his song expressionless, but strung through with some invisible air of desperation. Now, the sun reflected through his facets, letting him glow with the warmth of summer.

Castor gave Pearl a weak smile, one that barely reached the exhaustion under his eyes. “Hey,” he said softly.

“Hey.”

“...when, um…” Castor bit his lip, thinking. “When you got… hurt… we watched you the whole time. Steven did. We made a place for you to rest- it wasn’t much, just a basket with a blanket in it, and a desk lamp overhead.” He paused. “...we wanted you to know you were safe.”

Pearl frowned. “…I didn’t know that. Gems aren’t very aware of their surroundings when they’re dissipated. It’s… it’s a bit like sleep, but…” She pursed her lips.

“...does he know I’m here?”

“...I doubt it. I’m sorry.”

“’s okay.”

She kept her hands folded in her lap, trying not to play with the fabric of her jacket. “May I…?” She couldn’t finish the question, but Castor nodded, moving his hands around the pink gemstone, revealing it to her, offering it to her.

It was warm.

Gems are very efficient computers, enough that they don’t generate very much heat, especially when dormant. But Pearl could tell that Pollux’s warmth was not just from Castor, or from the sunlight, but from within. “That’s… he shouldn’t be warm like this,” Pearl muttered with a frown.

“He has to sort through a lot,” said Castor plainly, his eyes unfocused. “Has to find where the problem is. Has to run a lot of different stuff. Then he’ll be back.” Pearl looked up.

“How do you know that?”

“...I just do,” Castor said awkwardly, his gaze coming back into focus. “I don’t, um… I don’t know everything that’s going on in there, but… I just _know,_ I guess.”

“...do you know how long he’ll take?” Pearl asked hopefully. Castor shrugged, looking away.

“A few days, I think? It’s, um…” He chuckled, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Have you ever tried to download something, and the thing that tells you how long it’ll be keeps changing? Like, it’ll go from ‘three minutes remaining’ to ‘eighteen hours remaining’, or something like that?”

“Er… I can’t say that I have.”

“Oh. Well, it’s kind of like that. But ‘a few days’ is my best guess.” He paused, his expression brightening. “Hey, didn’t Peridot make some kind of, like, box thing that helps Gems regenerate faster?”

“That’s only for Gems that dissipated because of damage,” Pearl told him.

“Aww.”

They looked out the window, neither of them entirely certain what to say. Castor had moved one of the curtains to block the glare coming off the ocean, leaving a section of the room in relative shadow. The room, which was… surprisingly tidy. “Did you… clean up?” asked Pearl, with legitimate surprise. Castor laughed awkwardly.

“Uh, apparently Pollux is nearly as much of a neat freak as you are,” he admitted. “I am… _distinctly_ not, but I don’t want him to come back to a messy room, y’know?”

“Oh I certainly know,” Pearl grumbled with fake annoyance. “I’m gone for two weeks and the house is a wreck- I mean, really!”

Castor wasn’t at all amused though. “...Pearl, you’re the only one in the house that ever cleans,” he told her. “We- Steven, Garnet, Amethyst, we tried what we could for a little while, but…” He shrugged. “I don’t even know how to run the washing machine.”

Pearl blushed, her porcelain cheeks staining robin’s egg blue. “...oh,” she said, in realization. “I… I suppose you’re right. I’m… I’m sorry. Both for complaining, and… and for not letting you do those things on your own. I guess I just never thought about it. I just… wanted to be useful.”

Castor snorted. “Trust me, I get that. Plus I can’t imagine that sitting still and letting people do things for you is easy for Pearls, yeah?” He paused. “I- I mean, I’m not trying to say that’s _bad-_ I mean, it’s not good, but like-” He buried his face in his hands, groaning.

Pearl laughed. “You’re fine, Castor. And you’re absolutely right.” She hummed. “You remember that story Greg told you, about when he first met Rose? That whole ‘you’re everything I want’? When Rose first told me I was free to choose, to follow who I wanted- I told her I wanted to follow her. Oh, I’m sure some of that was leftover programming, but that didn’t mean those feelings weren’t real.” She sighed, running a hand over one of Pollux’s facets.

“Do you ever…” Castor paused, looking down. “...did you ever wish that he reformed as Rose?”

Pearl’s shoulders slumped. “I… I won’t lie to you. I can’t say I never once did,” she admitted. “But everyone has thoughts they aren’t proud of. And while I still miss her, I… I’m glad you’re here. Both of you,” she added, wrapping an arm around Castor’s shoulders. Even as he giggled, she swore she felt him tense at her touch.

“I dunno what I’m gonna do now,” Castor mused, leaning his head against Pearl’s shoulder. “I can’t just leave him alone, but… a few days is a long time to wait when you’re doing nothing.”

“You don’t have to leave him alone,” Pearl assured him. “You can leave him with us.”

Castor frowned. “I don’t… I don’t know.”

“You can help us make our own nest for him,” said Pearl, smiling. “He might not be aware of _much,_ but Gems tend to know if they’re in a safe environment or not, even if they’re not consciously aware of it.”

“There has to be someone watching him all the time,” Castor stated firmly. “And- and either you or Dad should be there, or, or at least nearby. I don’t-” He blinked away tears, which retained their usual pink tint. “I don’t want him to be alone.”

“Done,” said Pearl. “Whatever you think he needs.” Castor looked up at her in surprise.

“...I’m being selfish,” he said, pulling back from her, looking away. “I- I shouldn’t be asking all this stuff of you guys-”

“You _should_ be,” Pearl said softly, but firmly. “We want to help you, remember? Just tell us what we can do.”

Castor took a deep breath, looked at the light sparkling from the pink facets of the Diamond that Pearl held, and sighed.

“...okay.”

* * *

A large wicker picnic basket sat on the kitchen counter, lined with sweatshirts and jackets rather than blankets, and placed under a sunbeam. Cat Steven’s bed was placed beside it, though the cat herself seemed more interested in sniffing at the massive pink gemstone contained within the sweater nest.

“I think she’s gonna knock it over or something,” muttered Amethyst, who had previously retreated to her room to get some of her pent-up energy out, mostly by kicking things.

“There’s a stack of the “Familiar Unfamiliar” books underneath all the jackets,” said Castor, sitting on one of the stools, trying and failing to get Cat Steven to notice him. “They’re pretty heavy, and I figured that, ‘cause I don’t really get that stuff all that much, Steven probably gets his interest in the books from him, yeah? I mean- I know he can’t actually _tell,_ but… well, it makes _me_ feel better.”

Nurse Gallica had stayed just long enough to run a few more tests on Castor, making sure the power store was working as it should. Dr Maheswaran had decided to stay for now, just in case. It was a bit less crowded now, especially since Heph and Galatea had fused again, and were helping Crystal Peridot pack up what equipment remained, most of it being stored in Forsterite’s Peridot gemstone.

Connie stood at Castor’s side, putting a hand on his shoulder, making sure he was aware of her before she touched him. “Are you gonna be okay?” Castor smiled softly.

I can’t break down on her. I have to hold on while he’s gone.

_~~“Take care of them, Steven.”~~ _

“I think so, yeah. ‘s just really weird… being split up like this was already, uh, _not great,_ and now this is just…” He gestured vaguely at the Diamond gemstone. “I dunno. I think I just need a distraction, I guess? If I stay here I’m not gonna be able to do anything but worry. But then, I also don’t want to have to explain… y’know. _Everything._ ”

“We could go to Peridot’s lair again?”

Castor frowned. “Mmm… no. Whatever happened yesterday-” He stopped suddenly. “Jeez, that was only _yesterday…_ no, um- it really freaked Pollux out? And it’s like- I don’t want to mess with that until he’s back, I guess.” He sighed, resting his head on his hand, the plastic cover around the power store clacking against the countertop. “I just… I guess I just wanna, y’know- hang out, do stuff, but… people will recognize me, or, they’ll think I’m Steven, and I’ll have to explain that I’m not, or they’ll ask about what’s been going on-”

“What about Lars?”

Castor looked up in surprise. “Isn’t he still in space?”

“He got back a few days ago. I, uh…” Connie looked away. “...I needed someone to talk to, after… after Steven was…”

“Corrupted.”

Connie nodded. “I needed to talk to someone who wouldn’t spend the whole time worrying about me or thinking I was crazy, I guess. Lion spent a good while with me, too- I think he knew that I needed him.”

“That’s good,” said Castor, smiling. “That you found someone who could help you.”

You don’t need me

I should be happy you don’t need me

I want you to need me, and I hate it, because I know how terribly selfish that is

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this sooner,” she said, pushing back a stray bit of hair. “But… I- I just-”

“It’s okay!” Castor reassured her, putting his hands up. “I get it. And… I’m honestly kind of glad to not be the one who has to explain all this to him.” That last part was truthful, at least.

Connie sighed in relief. “He took it pretty well, actually- the part about Steven being a fusion, that is,” she told Castor. “I mean, he’s got Fluorite and Rhodonite on his crew, so it’s not like this is the first time he’s met someone before meeting one of their components.”

Castor hummed. “Speaking of which- where’s Garnet? I saw her briefly while, uh- while Pollux was carrying me.”

Castor could immediately tell he’d struck a nerve, from the way Connie glanced anxiously over at Amethyst, the two of them sharing some silent communication.

“She’s in timeout right now,” Amethyst grumbled, hopping up onto the kitchen counter to join them. “So like, after the whole not-actually-a-kidnapping shit, she kind of just, vanished? Like, just- one day she’s here, the next she’s not, and no-one knows where she is. _Then,_ like five minutes before Luxie’s carrying you downstairs like a fucking ragdoll, she just, walks in, and starts demanding stuff of us!” Amethyst threw her hands up to emphasize her annoyance, while making absolutely sure she didn’t hit Pollux’s nest. “Like- okay, I’ll give her some credit, ‘cause she apparently Saw that you two were, like, not doing okay? But she didn’t explain herself _at all,_ just showing up like she owns the place.”

“Pearl told her to go get your dad, and we haven’t seen her since,” said Connie. “Not that I’m complaining.”

Castor frowned. “Did anyone see where she went?”

“Uh, we were kind of preoccupied, dude.”

“...I’m gonna go find her.”

Castor was stopped by Connie the moment he moved off of the stool he was sitting on. “ _Are you kidding me!?_ ” she exclaimed, holding him by the shoulders in a way that made some part of his brain feel like he was being attacked. He forced himself not to react, instead simply staring at Connie in confusion.

“No? I mean- she obviously needs help, and, it’s not like I’m doing anything else.” Castor smiled softly, moving Connie’s hands away from him gently. “It’s okay! _This_ I know how to do, y’know?”

“He’s not wrong,” said Amethyst with a shrug. “But uh… I gotta agree with Connie here. You oughta take it easy for now, yeah? Plus, like… maybe the power couple just needs to talk things out. Like they did after the whole Sardonyx shit.”

You mean when Steven got them to actually talk about it? ‘cause I certainly remember that

Maybe I can at least be useful for once

Despite his feelings otherwise, Castor conceded with a nod. “Okay. I’ll just… take things easy.”

Amethyst sighed. “Well, usually my suggestions for chilling out are either sparring, eating, or playing video games, and since you haven’t got any powers, the boardwalk’s filled with peeps that don’t know what’s been going on, and you’re like, _really_ shitty at video games-”

“Amethyst!”

“No, no, she’s right,” said Castor. “I managed to find at _least_ a dozen different ways to die spectacularly in “Breath of the Wild”.”

“It was honestly kind of impressive,” Amethyst agreed. Connie just sighed.

“Well, I can just call Lars and we can head over through Lion’s mane, if that’s alright with you.”

“Okay. Amethyst, can you let Pearl know we’re heading out? I, uh… I don’t-”

Amethyst just hopped off the counter, waving him off. “Hey, you don’t gotta explain yourself or anything, yeah? I’ll be back asap!” With that, she headed into the Temple, and Castor sighed with relief. As Connie started talking with Lars, he closed his eyes, listening.

He couldn’t hear the others’ gemstones as well as Steven could, not on his own, but he could still hear Pollux’s. It was odd, in a way, like hearing your own voice played back to you.

Can you still hear me?

Even if you could, I guess you wouldn’t be able to tell me

I’m trying to be okay

Doing my best to be Steven, I guess

...I hope you’re okay in there

…

Come back soon, Pollux

I miss you already


	46. Wake Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Fuckin', Tv Tropes bullshit, this doesn't even make any sense- holy shit why is my own subconscious so damn cliche-_

~~And time ran out.~~

~~And the room was filled with rose-colored clouds, smelling like apples and almonds and strawberries.~~

~~And the dust settled, leaving red and magenta embers twinkling in the air.~~

~~And Castor clutched at the device that he wore at his neck.~~

~~And a Diamond gemstone dropped onto the bed, barely making a sound, its facets on display for all to see.~~

~~And Connie moved over to Castor, holding him close, letting him sob into her shoulder, as he clutched his brother’s gemstone against his chest.~~

And Pollux woke up.

* * *

He wasn’t truly _awake,_ he knew. The last thing he had felt was… it felt like falling apart. It wasn’t _painful,_ oddly enough, but it wasn’t pleasant either. It was like every part of his body had just… _stopped._

The first thing that Pollux became aware of was the fact that he was in some sort of white void, some sort of limbo. “I guess this is the inside of my gemstone,” he mused to no-one in particular, his immediate thoughts being relayed aloud as they had in his dream. “You’d think there'd be more in here. Memories and the like.”

He sighed, then, realized that he _could_ sigh- he still had a body, of sorts, or at least the image of one. Pollux looked curiously at his hands, noting the flaws and imperfections that he didn’t have in the real world, not on his own. As a Gem, even his skin was a bit too ‘perfect’, a bit too unreal.

Pollux hummed, hearing his song, hearing the lack of an echo- if there were walls to this place, they were so far away as to be nonexistent. “Hello?” he called out, placing his hands in the pockets of his pink varsity jacket. “It’s the IT guy, I’m here to turn everything off and then back on again.” He wasn’t actually sure if he was joking about that one or not.

**_Were you expecting someone to be here?_ **

Pollux jumped, his shield at the ready, searching for the sound- but there was no-one there. Belatedly, he realized his shield wasn’t the same as Steven’s, but rather, it was built of flat hexagonal plates. It was very nearly the same one he’d summoned in White’s head. “I- I don’t know what I’m doing,” he replied, speaking with his own voice. “I know I have to do something, but I don’t know what, or how, or…”

**_Assistance is required_ **

“Um… yeah. Th- that would- yeah.”

“Is this sufficient.”

Pollux spun on his heels, and found himself staring face-to-face with… Steven. Not himself, or Castor, but Steven, or at least the image of him- that is, if you could ignore that his eyes were colored a flat, vibrant pink. “...who are you?”

“‘What’, not ‘who’,” replied the image, his song as toneless as Hazel’s. He cocked his head, staring. “You stated previously that you thought yourself to be an interface of sorts. That is incorrect.”

“...is that what you are?”

“In a sense. I am your way of understanding your own subconscious, as you do not have the capability of understanding it on your own yet.”

“So… I’m… talking to myself.”

“No. You are viewing your own mind through a lens that you can accept.”

“Oh.” Pollux shifted awkwardly in place. “Why do you look like that?”

“Out of the pre-set forms, this one is the least emotionally disruptive to you.”

“Oh. What are the other pre-set forms?” The interface glowed, his form shifting into that of Pink Diamond, then Rose, then Steven again, but as a child. Then it returned to the form it had first chosen. “I guess that makes sense.”

“This is still emotionally disruptive to you.”

“Kind of. And, uh…” Pollux rubbed the back of his neck. “I think I’m starting to understand how people feel around me.”

The interface nodded. “I will return shortly. Walk in that direction.” It pointed off into the nothing. “You will find the first diagnostic section.” And with that, it vanished- it didn’t fade away or anything, just, vanished. Pollux stared at the spot it had been in.

“Is a Journey to the Centre of the Mind sort of situation, then?” asked Pollux. There was no response. “If we’re functioning on dream logic, I can probably summon some kind of transportation.” He threw his arms out wide. “I want a dream Dondai then!”

Nothing happened.

“...a dream bicycle?”

Still nothing.

“Dream skateboard.”

Again, nothing. Pollux dropped his hands to his side, then stuffed them in his pockets again. “Looks like I’m going on foot.”

* * *

Dreamscape #1: Rose’s Garden, but weird.

In fairness, it wasn’t as weird as Pollux had been expecting. He’d grown up with a best friend who’d wax poetic about literary tropes for hours, he considered himself at least a _bit_ genre-savvy. So the fact that there weren’t any nightmares or repressed memories hidden away here was rather unnerving, since it probably just meant there were more of them along the way.

“Interface?” he called out. “What do I do here?”

“Just look around, really.”

Not quite as startled this time, Pollux looked to see what he could only assume was the interface, sitting on the central statue, balancing on one of its arms. “All you have to do is search each section of your files- memories, thoughts, all that stuff- and your subconscious- that’s me- will do the rest.”

The interface didn’t look like Steven anymore, but more like, if Steven’d had a sister. She had a similarly shaped face, but with a more squarish jaw, and stocky build, and wore a simplistic two-color outfit that looked to be akin to a Quartz’s uniform, though there were no symbols on it. Her hair was a bit longer than Castor’s, but was colored a deep red. The most curious thing, was that her gemstone, while the same as Pollux’s in shape and size, was the same flat pink as her eyes, the same flat pink as when she’d taken on the image of Steven. Pollux decided not to comment on it- he didn’t want to waste time.

“How long do I have to search?”

“Until you find what you’re looking for.”

“Okay. What am I looking for?”

“You’ll know when you find it.” The interface paused. “Well, I’ll know. Which technically means you’ll know, but I’ll have to tell you.” Pollux sighed, but, figuring there wasn’t anything else he could do, he began searching.

The Fountain had been turned into a memorial of sorts, for Rose Diamond. It was the first place Steven had even suggested the name of ‘Rose Diamond’, actually- she wasn’t a Quartz, but, she had chosen the name ‘Rose’. Irrelevant of his own feelings about her, it seemed wrong to disrespect that.

The statue had been altered, slightly- its eyes were open now, its diamond pupils clearly visible- but beyond that, it was the same. Rose’s expression was still a distant melancholy, and the air still smelled of roses.

Past the fountain itself, though, the unreality made itself known. The floor was made of shining pink tiles, and while they reflected their surroundings, Pollux found that they didn’t reflect himself, nor the interface. The hedges were replaced with thick walls, the same ones that made up the tower that Steven and Connie- and before that, Rose- had been locked up in. At the top of the walls there were twisted thorns like barbed wire, and beyond them, a pink fire.

Pollux paid no mind to the distant screams that echoed through the walls when he got too near to them, though he did make sure to do a loop of the walls first, in his search. He’d rather deal with that now and get it done with. He checked the statues next, looking through the flowers and bushes that decorated them, then took a brief swim in the fountain itself- thankfully, when he left it, the water dried from his clothing instantly.

“Can you not help me look?” asked Pollux, looking up at the interface, who still sat on the statue, kicking her feet.

“Nope,” she replied, shrugging. “I don’t actually know anything you don’t, remember? I’m just relaying the information to you in a way you can understand.”

“Figures.”

“Sorry! I don’t make the rules.”

Pollux ignored her, instead jumping up onto the statue itself- his powers worked just fine here, thankfully. The statue was the first thing that really _surprised_ him, though. See, the walls, the fire, the screams, all that he could attribute to Rose easily enough. The walls were the ones that the Diamonds had trapped her with. The fire was likely her own destructive powers, or a representation of the Rebellion. The screams were the people who had been hurt or killed in the Rebellion. They were all things she had reason to feel guilt or dislike for.

But Pollux had not expected the statue to be _alive._

Well, no- ‘alive’ wasn’t the right word. It didn’t move, didn’t react- but it was made of flesh and blood, even though it looked like stone. It breathed, blinked, had a pulse- but remained perfectly still all the while.

“...do you know what’s up with that?” he asked the interface, once again resorting to the ‘telepathic’ speech. If the interface really was just his own mind, he shouldn’t have to bother explaining anything to it, either.

The interface hummed, her eyes glazing over. “...they put me on a pedestal.” Her voice was distant, cold- and more importantly, it was _Rose’s._ “In their eyes, I was a perfect leader, a paragon. I could do no wrong.” She scoffed. “It just made it all the harder for me to tell the truth, you know. I wanted to tell them. But I couldn’t. I knew I was a monster- but how do you say that to the people who think you’re an angel?”

Without his bidding, a memory appeared in the distance, replacing one of the walls, though it was still backdropped by the pink flames.

_“ You think I'm so **great,** and I'm so **mature,** and I always know what to do, but that's **not true!** I haven't learned a **thing** from my problems! They've all just made us **worse!** ”_

_“ You think of us as some **angel,** but I’m not that kid anymore!”_

_“ We’re frauds.”_

_“ **I’m a fraud.** ”_

_“ I’m a **monster.** ”_

As if it had never been there, the memory faded, and the wall returned. Shuddering, Pollux hopped off the living statue, landing gently on the lip of the fountain’s pool. “Is… is that the thing I had to find?” he asked the interface.”

“Nope,” she replied cheerfully. “But you are done here now! All the sub-programs have been checked and re-checked, and the error isn’t here.”

“Oh.” Pollux sighed, rubbing his cheek. “Can we move on now?”

“Yup!”

* * *

Dreamscape #2: The Temple house, but weird.

They left the garden via warp pad, but appeared on the beach, with a void replacing the water, and a void blocking them from going into town. The Obsidian statue was replaced with Obsidian herself, though the damages to the statue transferred over to her as injuries. Very Human injuries.

Three of her hands ended in bloodied stumps, the bones and flesh visible to the air. The mosses and lichens grew into her skin like an infection, and the hands that lie in the sand were rotting and decaying.

Pollux was very, _very_ glad that none of it gave off any kind of smell.

Though having Obsidian stare at him was… a bit off-putting.

He made his way to the Temple house quite quickly, with the interface following behind. She worked on Weeping Angel logic, he decided, as he’d never actually seen her move from place to place- rather, she’d just _be_ there. Or perhaps she quite literally moved at the speed of thought.

While the outside was dark, the house itself was lit with daylight from a sun that wasn’t actually there. There was no greenhouse upstairs, or even an upstairs at all, and Steven’s room was still just a loft.

And Steven himself, at the physical age of eight, was sitting at the couch, kicking his legs, and waiting.

The child didn’t seem to notice Pollux entering, as his gaze was glued to the warp pad. Even when Pollux sat next to him, he didn’t react. “How long have they been gone?” he asked quietly, knowing exactly who Steven was waiting for.

“About a week,” said Steven plainly, still looking at the warp pad. “They said they’d be back pretty soon, but… I think they might’ve forgotten about that.”

“They’ll come back.”

“I know. I just don’t like waiting.”

“...how old are you?”

“Ten!” Steven still stared at the warp pad, and away from Pollux.

...ten years old, waiting for a week for his ‘parents’ to come back for him. Pollux sighed, sinking into the couch. He knew what Castor would say- it wasn’t the Gems’ fault they were so busy, the stuff they were doing was important, all that sort of thing. Making excuses for them.

But this was _wrong._ This was _not_ okay. Just because they had reasons, didn’t mean they didn’t still mess up! This could be any one of dozens of memories, all of them the same- waiting for the Gems. Waiting and waiting and waiting. And when they were back, it was a struggle to be able to interact with them. Sure, sometimes they’d remember they were supposed to be caring for him, and would do something nice, but… those were outliers.

“You don’t need to comfort him, you know,” said the interface. “He’s no more ‘real’ than I am.”

“...it makes me feel better,” Pollux said.

“I guess that makes sense. Since this memory is part of you.”

“I should get searching though,” Pollux agreed. “I don’t want to waste time. Hey, um- Steven?” The child didn’t respond. “Steven?” Pollux shook his shoulder. “Steeeeveeen.”

Pollux frowned, standing up off the couch, and moving to block Steven’s line of sight. His eyes were the same flat pink as the interface’s, staring blankly ahead. “...I don’t want you to leave,” he said quietly. Pollux sighed.

“I know. But I can’t stay here.”

“Yeah.”

Pollux had to force himself away from the image of his past self, had to do what he could to ignore it as he searched. Without the sound of the beachside, the house was deathly still, filled with an ever-present loneliness.

...this hadn’t affected him _this_ badly, had it? Yeah, being left alone was scary, and it wasn’t okay, but… it shouldn’t be as big of a deal as _this,_ not next to all the actual threats he’d had to deal with.

But… those had been scary, yeah, but… they were _exciting._ Pollux didn’t like having to deal with regular life-or-death scenarios, sure, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t still some part of him that wanted an adventure, wanted to explore, wanted to have that rush of adrenaline.

...maybe that was why he’d fought Jasper. To get some of that feeling back. Some of that rush.

Fighting her was far, far preferable to simply _waiting._

When the interface told him that he’d searched long enough, Pollux couldn’t help but meet Steven’s eyes as they warped away.

As they left him alone.

Waiting.

* * *

* * *

Dreamscape #3: Little Homeworld, but weird.

...Pollux was starting to see a theme here.

“All of the file integration sections are constructed using your own memories,” said the interface, answering the question Pollux hadn’t yet asked. “Memories, dreams, thoughts- as well as those of your predecessor.” The interface paused, frowning. “Predecessor...s? No, no, that’s not right…”

The streets were jammed full of people, the whole place busier than Empire City, but no matter how hard Pollux tried, he couldn’t make out any of the faces in the crowd. They were all just blurs. He huffed, stepping off the warp pad, and-

and everyone stopped in place, looking at him. Their faces were static, but he _knew_ that they were staring directly at him.

One by one, they fell to their knees, saluting in the shape of a diamond.

...the worst part about it, really, was the rush of _pride_ that swelled in Pollux’s chest, of admiration and joy, of a dozen different feelings he couldn’t quite name. A dozen different feelings he couldn’t quite bring himself to be ashamed of.

(Out of the corner of his eye, a memory of Steven appeared, and Pollux knew that it was a memory of Castor and himself fighting silently as Steven clutched his head, trying to ignore the growing headache.)

“Any hints on what I’m searching for?” Pollux asked silently, ignoring the adoring masses.

“You’re just _searching,_ really,” said the interface. “Checking each file to find what the problem is.”

“Oh. Okay.”

* * *

After that, Pollux soon fell into a rhythm, looking through each dreamscape as they went. Each one was as bizarre as the last, but rarely ever _surprising._ One was a carbon-copy of the nightmare Steven’d had about Peridot at the Temple house- the most annoying thing about that one was having to work around the ongoing party inside, attended by memories of people, their eyes a flat pink.

One dreamscape was simply a black void with a sliver of light far ahead- Pollux just sat around for that one, as there wasn’t much he could do otherwise, and the ‘scan’ would still run on its own, just not as quickly. Another showed Steven sobbing over Jasper’s shards. One was in Bismuth’s forge. The one right after that was in a replication of Malachite’s headspace.

The only ones Pollux ever stopped and interacted with, were the ones of Steven as a child.

...he couldn’t just leave him alone.

He ‘warped’ into Little Homeworld again- or, well… the place where Little Homeworld had been. Now there was just rubble, and in the very centre, a crater. Pollux slammed his eyes shut, his nails jabbing into his palms in an attempt to soothe his panic with pain. “It’s from when we were corrupted,” he said silently, his mouth kept tightly shut. “But worse.”

And then he heard the sobbing. And he made the mistake of opening his eyes again.

The interface remained on the warp pad, but Pollux did not. Instead, he stood, now, near the midpoint of the crater, looking down at a child, openly crying over a handful of shards.

Shards that were colored purple, white, and red.

“I killed them,” whispered the memory, flat eyes welling up with tears. “I- I di’n _mean_ to, but I-” Steven cut himself off with a choking whimper, his hands clutched over his mouth. Pollux frowned, sitting next to him.

“They’re okay,” he reassured the child, rubbing a hand over his shoulder. “They’re alive and well.”

“And if they _hadn’t_ been?” asked the memory, his voice suddenly clear. “Do you really think anyone could have survived being crushed under the foot of a gigantic monster? The only reason you didn’t kill anyone- sorry, anyone _else-_ is because you got _lucky._ ”

Pollux stood, backing away slowly, shaking his head. “That’s not true. I _know_ that’s not true, I _know-_ ”

“You’re a monster.” The memory- the figment, rather, the figment of Pollux’s overactive imagination- was still a child, still Steven, but his body grew with thorns and spikes, and was slowly overcome with scales and horns. “You’re a _monster!_ You killed Jasper! You hurt Hazel! You poofed White- and _you_ tried to _kill_ her!”

“I didn’t know what I was doing!”

“ _ **THAT’S NO EXCUSE!**_ ” The ground shook under the child’s voice, and-

_and Pollux is no longer in the dreamscape, but in White’s head again, his head filled with nothing but programming and instinct, with no mind or morals to guide them, and he simply reacts, and-_

He fell backwards with a gasp, scrambling to get out of the crater and back onto the warp pad. “You haven’t finished searching this area,” said the interface calmly.

“Can- can you make him go away?” Pollux whispered.

“No. Not until those thoughts aren’t there anymore. Not until you stop thinking of yourself in that way.”

“But I don’t…”

...didn’t he, though?

Things might’ve been so much simpler, if he was just the gemstone, just the power, the programming, if Steven was his own person. Then Pollux wouldn’t have to wonder how much of Steven’s self-hatred came from himself instead of Castor.

The line between their thoughts was so fuzzy and indistinct- how many of the things that Castor had accused him of, were really just his own accusations? He tried to think back to the things they’d said, the things they’d accused him of- and the memories appear before him, himself and Castor appearing by Steven’s side like ghosts.

They’re in the caverns, not fully corrupted, but no longer even resembling a Human.

_“ I don’t want to die-!”_

The ghost of Pollux grabbed Castor’s arm, claws digging in until he bled. _“ You’re just making things **worse.** ”_

Then they were no longer ghosts, but memories of a mindscape, held down by crystalline chains. _“ JUST SHUT UP! If it wasn’t for **your** useless powers, we wouldn’t be **like** this! This whole **corruption** thing is only happening because of **you! You’re** the **Gem!** ”_

 _“ Our powers are tied to our emotions, which seem to largely be coming from you.”_ But were they, really? Castor could get angry, sure, but when he did, it was for good reasons. But Pollux would just _snap,_ and he knew it. He knew he seemed distant and mechanical, and he didn’t want to change that, but he knew how people perceived him.

Castor’s anger was _just._ Pollux’s? Was _cataclysmic._ Pollux’s anger was enough to ~~kill~~ dissipate a Diamond. Cold and lifeless and _destructive._

He stared down at his hands.

Apt descriptors for a Diamond, I suppose.

The interface frowned, but did not comment. “We can leave now, if you’d like,” she told him quietly. “The scan has finished.” Pollux nodded, standing slowly.

One last memory appeared before they warped away.

_“ Please, stop. You don’t want to feel this either.”_

_“...of course I don’t. But don’t ~~we~~ **I** deserve it?”_

* * *

They appeared once again in the white void, and Pollux couldn’t help but feel a surge of hope. “Are- are we done now?” he asked the interface. “Can I leave- er, form, rather?”

“No,” said the interface plainly. “Wait here.”

“Wait here for what?”

The interface did not respond, but instead vanished in the way she had before, simply blinking into non-existence. The hope that had filled Pollux’s chest was replaced mote-for-mote by dread and anxiety. He was alone. Yes, he knew the interface wasn’t real, but… it helped combat the loneliness, even if it was just a figment of his mind.

Pollux sighed, sitting carefully on the ground. He closed his eyes. And he waited.


	47. Unsustainable

Castor had learned very quickly that he hated the quiet.

Not just silence, the kind that makes your ears ring, the kind that you can banish with the white noise of a fan. No, the kind of quiet where there’s nothing to think about, nothing to hold your attention.

It was the kind of quiet that reminded Castor of the emptiness in his head.

“-astor? Castor? You alright?”

Castor flinched into awareness, blinking rapidly until he processed what he could see of his surroundings. Greg was at his side, trying to talk to him. Castor smiled softly. “Sorry! I’m, uh, still kind of out of it,” he said, not wanting anyone to worry. “You were trying to say something?”

Greg shifted, but didn’t push. Castor couldn’t see his expression, but was certain he was frowning. “Yeah, Amethyst left for her classes in Little Homeworld while you were getting changed. She wanted me to let you know that you can still call her if you need to.”

“Oh! Okay.” Castor grinned. “Thanks.” Greg still seemed concerned in his silence. “I’m- I’m okay, really. I mean- _relatively_ okay? As okay as I’m gonna get, right now.” He shrugged, leaning against the counter. “I dunno. I guess I don’t want him to come back and find I’ve been _moping_ the whole time, y’know?” That got a chuckle out of Greg at least, so Castor counted it as a success.

“Well, you’re allowed to not be okay, you know that, right?” Greg put his hand on Castor’s shoulder, and it took all of Castor’s willpower for him to not flinch away from the touch.

“I know, I know. I got a whole speech from Peridot on that one.” Just because I’m ‘allowed’ to be something doesn’t mean it’s feasible. Garnet split up because of me. Pearl just about tried to run away. And you- when was the last time you slept, really?

“Mm. Well, you have fun today, alright? Don’t push yourself too hard though- it can be tough being around people after being on your own for a while.” Greg reached over to pat at Castor’s hair, and-

Castor jerked back, staring warily ahead. “Don’t- um, please don’t touch me on the head,” he asked quietly.

I don’t want to think about what you might say if you saw the horns that grow from my head

“Oh. I thought you liked that, though?” Greg paused. “Or, I guess Steven likes that. Sorry.”

“No, no, it’s okay! You, um, you didn’t know.”

“Yeah.” Greg rubbed at the back of his neck awkwardly. “Well, uh, Connie and Lion are waiting for you out on the beach. Don’t want to keep them waiting, yeah?”

“Yeah. I’ll, uh… I’ll see you later, yeah?”

“See you then.”

* * *

The power store hadn’t actually kicked in until after Castor had climbed into Lion’s mane- there was a feeling like the air before a thunderstorm, centered around the place where Pollux wasn’t. Thankfully, Castor found that the pink dimension still opened for him just as easily as for Steven. He noted with a distant melancholy that Rose’s portrait was still leaning against Lion’s tree, tucked away. It wasn’t that he wanted to hide it, really, but… he didn’t know where else to _put_ it.

When Connie and Castor surfaced, gasping for breathable air, they found themselves in what Castor assumed to be a rather large kitchen- though Castor didn’t get much of a look at it before tumbling head over heels and landing on his back.

“ _Ouch,_ ” stated Lars with absolutely zero sympathy. Castor gave an unintelligible groan in response, glaring at the ceiling, though he did take Lars’s hand when he helped him up. Lars looked him over, the lack of surprise in his expression visible to even Castor, as if Steven’s existence as a fusion was the most mundane thing in the world. “Nice earrings.”

Castor stared at him. “...that’s it? ‘ _Nice earrings_ ’? That’s your _only_ comment?”

“Cass, dude, there are very few things in life that can surprise me at this point,” drawled Lars, shifting his posture. “Also I’ve known Steven since he was two years old and I’ve seen him spend hours on end talking to himself, this is _not_ a big shock to me.”

Castor threw his arms up in the air. “It was to me!”

“Hah. That sucks.”

“Where’s everyone else?” Connie interjected, stepping in between the two. “I wanna see if Ru’s gotten any further with “Unfamiliar Familiar”, I need to complain about it with her.”

“In the other room,” said Lars, jerking his thumb back. “Well, Rhodonite, the twins, and Pads are. Fluorite is…” He looked away in what Castor made out to be a grimace. “Uh, dealing with some relationship troubles. The lovebirds have their own room, and wanted some alone time.” He paused. “That is probably the _worst_ possible way I could have worded that, I’m realizing.”

“I feel like you’re very lucky that there’s only about five Gems in existence that understand sexual innuendos,” Connie stated.

“You’re not wrong!”

Castor could feel his heartbeat pounding in his ears but he didn’t entirely understand why. He _knew_ Lars, he’d known Lars for _ages_ , why would this make him anxious?

He felt the knot forming in his chest and shoved it deep down, until it curled up and made a home in the hole behind the scar on his stomach.

“I’m gonna go let the others know you’re here, yeah?” said Lars casually, hand already on the doorknob. “You can join us whenever.”

“W- we can just go with you!” Castor suggested, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice.

“No, uh- it’s mostly for their sake, yeah?” Lars rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “And they know that Steven’s a fusion but they don’t know that you’re split. I don’t wanna freak them out.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Castor hopped himself carefully up onto the counter, legs kicking against the cabinets. Connie sat herself next to him, head cocked to the side. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” she told him. “We can always go back to the house if you need to.”

Castor growled. “ _Ugh_ \- why does everyone keep _saying_ that!? I-” He cut his sudden off with a huff. “Sorry. I just… I just want a _distraction_ right now. I just want to not have to think about everything that’s going on right now.”

Because if I do, I think I’m going to break

Connie sighed. “I understand that, I really do- more than most, honestly- but there are other ways of doing that, yeah? Like- if you are up for this, then I do think it’d be good for you, but if not, that’s really not an issue.”

“I can do this,” Castor insisted, trying his best to look her in the eyes. “I _want_ to do this.”

“...okay. I’ll trust you.”

...I hate how much that hurts

I’ve no issue lying to myself, but lying to her?

I guess that’s just another reason to be absolutely certain I’m telling the truth.

The door behind them creaked open, held by two right hands, and a pair of eyes peeked through- and darted back as soon as Castor turned around. “Is that- Rhodonite?” Rhodonite moved through the opening again, staring at Castor curiously. He waved at her. She waved back. “...you can come in, if you want.”

“Your song’s almost the same,” Rhodonite mused to herself. “Do you- ah- do you remember me?”

Castor almost laughed. “Wh- yeah, of course I do! I don’t have to explain how fusion works to you, of anyone.”

“But you’re…” Rhodonite shuffled in place. “You’re Human. I didn’t know if…”

“If things worked differently?” Castor guessed, and Rhodonite nodded. “I mean… they do, kind of? But… not that much.”

“You guys gonna come in here?” called Lars from the other room, his head of pink hair only visible via perspective. “There’s a lot more room in here, that’s kind of the idea of a living room.” Castor paled.

“Oh! Uh-” He stuttered a bit, fumbling his way through his words.

“I predict that Castor will feel nervous about being seen by so many people,” piped up a familiar voice. “Oh! Oh dear. I did it again…”

“‘s alright, Pads,” soothed Lars. “Cass, it’s okay. No-one here’s gonna judge you, yeah? I can’t say these two yahoos-”

“Hey!”

“I don’t even know what a ‘yahoo’ is and I’m still offended.”

“-won’t stare a bit, but you can tell ‘em to knock if off if it’s too much.”

Castor took a deep breath, then sighed. Gently, Connie took his hand, looking up at him, looking him in the eyes in a way he knew was awkward for her. “I’m right here,” she whispered to him, and he nodded.

As Castor stepped into the living room, he could feel that while the Rutile twins did in fact stare at him, it was in a way that felt more like they were appraising his outfit than anything else. Padparadscha was perched up on the back of the couch, kicking her legs in the same way Castor had been, and he couldn’t actually tell if she was looking at him or not. “Nice earrings,” noted one of the twins. Castor shot a glare at Lars, who just shrugged.

“I didn’t tell her to say that!” he insisted. “They really are nice earrings!” Connie cackled as Castor sighed, holding his face in his hands. Behind them, he could hear Rhodonite hum to herself, then move back into the kitchen.

“Oh!” chirped one of the twins in realization. “Castor! I need your opinion.”

“Tile, if this is about the donut thing again-” groaned Lars, flopping his head back onto the couch.

“Castor I have a very important question for you,” said the twin, slamming her hand down on the table. “ _Is a donut a dessert?_ ”

“...huh?”

“We’ve been having this argument for like a half-hour and we’re all too stubborn to agree on anything,” drawled Lars. “It is the stupidest waste of time-”

“It is a legitimate question!”

“I’m _pretty_ sure it’s not a dessert,” said Castor, trying not to laugh. “I mean, you don’t eat it after meals, usually.”

“But it’s a sweet pastry,” argued the first twin. “And almost every other sweet pastry is considered a dessert.”

“A dessert is something you eat after a meal, and it’s not always a sweet pastry,” said Connie, sounding legitimately thoughtful. “Fruits can be desserts, but not always.”

“So what is it then?” said the first twin. “Because it’s not a meal, and it’s not a snack-”

“No, it’s totally a snack,” said Lars. “ _You_ , do not get a say in this, by the way,” he added, pointing at Castor. “You have no idea what constitutes actual food.” Castor frowned.

“That’s not true!”

“A donut for breakfast every day of the week for like, six years straight, says otherwise.”

“...you got me there.”

“Um…”

Everyone in the room- with the exception of Padparadscha, for a moment- turned to look at the new voice. Standing in the doorway were two new Gems, a Ruby and a Pearl. Castor felt a rise of panic for a moment, until he heard the unique songs of their gemstones, and realized who they were. “You’re… Rhodonite’s components?” The Ruby grinned, waving with her free hand.

“Yup! I’m Ember, and this is Frill!” The Pearl- Frill- waved politely. “Lars told us you’d never been unfused from- uh, what was…”

“Pollux,” said Frill, barely above a whisper, in contrast to Ember’s near-yell.

“Yeah! That was it! We figured maybe we could help you out?” Ember shrugged. “‘cause, uh, we spent a really long time as Rhodonite, so it was kind of hard when we had to split up when we were hiding amongst other Gems.”

“We had this whole setup,” explained Lars, “where Rhodonite and Fluorite would unfuse and stand in a group around the twins. Then Pads and I would walk in front and I’d do the best I could to look important n’ stuff, and people would just leave us alone.” Ember nodded vigorously.

“Frill and I, plus Fluorite’s components, had to get used to being split up sometimes. We would practice, sort of? Like, we’d be unfused but still hanging out together, so that it was a bit easier when we were apart.”

“Not gonna lie, kind of freaked out the first time it happened,” Lars noted. Frill giggled quietly. “Hey! It’s not like I knew what was going on!”

“I mean, you rarely do,” mused one of the twins. “You’re just way better than we are at bullshitting your way through life.” Lars pointed at her.

“Stop picking up actual swear words!”

“No.”

Castor laughed along with the others, feeling… oddly comfortable. The anxiety in his chest had begun to fade, seeing how Lars’ friends- his _crew-_ acted around him. Castor wasn’t even sure what he’d been worried about before. He _knew_ these people, he knew _Lars_.

So why hadn’t the anxiety gone away in full?

It’s fine. **I’m** fine. I just need to relax and stop being dumb. **I’m fine.**

“Anyways,” continued Ember, “you don’t gotta do this right now, since, y’know, everyone’s here and all that, but we thought maybe we could help you out?”

Castor clutched at the hem of his shirt, trying not to pull at it. _Did_ he need help? No, what was he saying, of course he did…

...but... what would _they_ know?

Ember and Frill had _chosen_ to be Together even if it meant being cast out of their society. They only needed one another because they had allowed themselves to become dependent. On their own, they were still Whole. Pollux had told Castor that he could be Whole on his own, but, the device around his neck proved otherwise.

On his own, Pollux could do just fine. Didn’t need a power store or whatever it was called.

...Castor knew that Pollux was better off without him.

The fighting was over. The empire was dismantled. There was no reason to have Castor around anymore. Despite being Steven’s Human half, he wasn’t even _Human,_ really. And what did he contribute? Anger? A need for control? A need to be _needed?_

Pollux was a Gem. He didn’t need some organic dragging him down all the time.

So what do these two think they could possibly know about what Pollux needs?

“...I dunno,” mused Castor quietly. “I mean- I do appreciate the offer and all that? But, um… I think I’ll be okay for now.”

“Are you sure?” asked Connie quietly. “I’d kind of hoped you guys could talk…”

Castor spent all his willpower on not snapping back at Connie, accusing her of bringing him here for some underhanded reason. She didn’t deserve that. “I mean… if you really want me to…”

“I do,” said Connie sternly, though, not harshly. “Besides, I was planning on talking with Tile about books for like, an hour, so unless you wanna listen to that…” She shrugged.

“...that’s actually a good point,” Castor admitted. He turned back towards Ember and Frill. “Um… is there a good place to…?” Frill nodded, motioning for him to follow.

“What is your opinion on fish?” she asked in a rather ominous tone. Castor tilted his head.

“...fish?”

“You’ll see,” said Ember by way of explanation.

Castor hummed to himself as he followed, only barely noticing as Lars whispered something to Padparadscha, and the little orange Sapphire followed behind. He chose not to say anything, but made sure to keep his eye on her.

Based on the green-blue glow and the smell of chlorine, it seemed that the room that Ember and Frill had led Castor into was, in essence, a large aquarium. He could make out the shapes of fish of every color and size, swimming happily in massive tanks. “This is Blue Lace Agate’s room, technically,” said Ember. “But she sleeps on the roof anyways, so she turned this place into a secondary living room / fish room. She has names for _all_ of them, apparently.”

“How many fish are in here?”

“Uhhh… _yes._ ”

Padparadscha stepped quietly into the room, closing the door behind them. While most Sapphires had a tendency to hover ever so slightly above the ground, making them completely silent as they walked, Padparadscha was quiet, yes, but Castor could still make out the sounds of her footfalls as she padded across the floor.

Castor considered, at first, simply brushing Ember and Frill’s advice off right off the bat, and heading back to the main room. But… the others were waiting for him there- including Connie, most significantly- and they were expecting him to be in here talking for some time. And… well, even if they couldn’t help him, some advice might not hurt, right?

So he agreed.

And the first thing they asked was what caused him and Pollux to unfuse.

Castor groaned, sitting down on a rather ragged old reclining chair, one that had holes like it’d been through hell and back. “It’s… complicated,” he muttered, reflexively covering his forehead with his curling hair. “And- it’s not really a big deal.”

“You wouldn’t’ve split if it wasn’t, though, right?” asked Ember curiously.

“I mean- it was a big deal at the time, but not anymore,” Castor replied, ignoring the way his pulse raced in response to his lie.

And Padparadscha tilted her head, turning to look at him. “Hmm.”

“Wh- what? Is something wrong?” Castor could feel his own fear like a physical weight.

“He’s lying,” said Padparadscha, her voice distant. “Something… he hasn’t spoken about, to _anyone_. Something he’s _afraid_ of.” Ember and Frill glanced at each other.

“Do- do you wanna talk with Connie about this?” Ember offered.

“NO! I- I mean-” Castor tried to play it off with a laugh. “It’s _fine!_ It’s not really relevant to any of this. It’s nothing to worry about!”

“He feels trapped.”

“OF COURSE I-” Castor slapped a hand over his mouth. “Sorry, sorry, that’s- I’m fine, just, y’know, kind of tense, yeah?”

She knows she knows she knows she knows she knows-

“He’s…” Padparadscha tilted her head, giving a hum of confusion. “He’s _afraid_ of me? How strange.”

Need to get out need to get out she knows she knows I’m not safe I’m not safe here I need to get out she knows about the scars I’m not safe here-

“Look, I- this was a _mistake_ , okay?” said Castor as he stood, trying to push back against the low growl that crept into his song. “I’m just gonna-”

The first thing was that Frill grabbed his hand, trying to hold him back. The second thing was the way he whipped around, his power store swinging around his neck. The third thing was the way Frill cried out, stumbling back. The fourth thing was the way Ember reacted, perhaps instinctively, moving to protect her lover. The fifth thing was the simple fact that Padparadscha was standing in the way of Castor as he moved.

He stumbled backwards as he backed away from Ember, crying out, the back of his head dipping briefly into one of the many fish tanks. But it wasn’t just his head, mind you. Because the power store had already been moving along with him, and when he fell back, it did too- except it kept going.

And when Ember and Frill saw him, they pulled him back out, without the power store.

And the last thing Castor saw before passing out, was Padparadscha’s single eye, colored pale peach, looking on in concern, while the two Gems behind her, looked on in silent horror.

* * *

“NO!”

Castor burst forth into awareness quite literally screaming into the void, as he saw- with perfect clarity- an endless white nothing stretching into the distance. Blinking, he stood slowly, finding the ground beneath his feet to be solid. “What… where am I…?”

“Castor?”

Castor spun around suddenly, to find his twin standing across from him, staring in surprise. “...Pollux?”

Pollux just kept staring. “Do you… know what’s going on?” he asked quietly. Castor shook his head. “Oh. Oh good. That’s… that’s delightful.” Pollux sighed, sitting down on the ground, legs splayed behind him. “This is just…” He groaned, rubbing his eyes. Frowning, Castor moved forwards slowly, then sat down next to him.

“...I think I’m dreaming,” said Castor thoughtfully. “I kind of… _passed out._ ” Pollux sat straight.

“Are you hurt? Did the power store not work?”

“It, uh, works fine… when it’s not getting dropped in a fish tank,” Castor responded sheepishly. Pollux squinted at him.

“I’m… not going to ask,” he decided.

“That’s _probably_ for the best.” Castor sighed, looking up. “What is this place, anyways? The inside of your gemstone, I’m guessing?”

“ _Our_ gemstone, but, yes.”

“Eh. Agree to disagree. ‘s pretty, uh… blank.”

“Oh, I can assure you that it’s not. This just seems to be a sort of, entrance area.” Pollux paused, humming. “Like the King’s Cross station in Hermione’s dream. From “Hermione Granger and the Brothers Three”?”

“Uh… yes… that is a movie I remember paying attention to…” Pollux groaned loudly, making Castor laugh. “Sorry. I don’t have a very good memory in general, I think. Not sure if that’s a ‘you’ trait or just a Gem trait in general, but…”

“Has everything been going alright?” asked Pollux, looking over at Castor, never quite meeting his eyes. Castor stiffened and looked away. “I’ll take that as a ‘no’.”

“I thought it would be a good idea to actually do something while I’m waiting for you to come back,” said Castor quietly. “We- Connie and I, that is, after I made a sort of… _nest,_ for you- we ended up at Lars’ place, with the other Off-Colors, and, Rhodonite unfused because her components thought they might be able to help. I, um… they started out by asking what made us unfuse…”

“...and you were unwilling to mention the corruption marks.” Pollux groaned loudly, covering his face, then gesturing wildly. “This is part of why I wanted to _tell_ someone! We’re _terrible_ liars, _especially_ when we’re trying to _hide_ something like this!”

“They probably know by now,” said Castor, holding his arms around himself. “I just didn’t want-”

“Didn’t want anyone to worry. That’s just going to make them more worried when they find out!”

“I KNOW THAT!” yelled Castor, standing up suddenly, marching away from Pollux. “I _know_ that. I just…” He sighed, running a hand through his hair, letting his shoulders slump. “I just want to be _okay,_ yeah? Like we used to be.”

“Castor, the only reason we were ‘okay’ is because we were ignoring our problems in order to focus on not getting _killed,_ ” Pollux insisted, standing as well. “That was _never_ sustainable.” He paused, realizing something. “...oh.”

“What?”

“Cass, that’s why we broke down once things were okay!” said Pollux, his expression still relatively flat, but his eyes alight. “The moment no-one was relying on us for absolutely everything, we stopped ‘needing’ to be okay all the time. Just like Crazy Lace said- it’s been building up for _ages_ now, it’s only because we’re not in constant demand that we’ve had the _time_ to break down.”

Castor’s eyes flitted back and forth as he processed. “The- the cactus only happened _after_ we stopped running the Little Homeschool…”

“We never _were_ okay,” said Pollux with what could almost be called a manic joy, “we were _always_ messed up. All that stuff with Dad, all that stuff we’ve said, to the Gems, to _each other_ \- it’s all been building up and up and up until we-”

For a split second, the world around them was a dark storm, and the sound of a distant roar echoed through the nothing as ashes and embers fell like snow, and pink fire ravaged through their psyches.

“...until we couldn’t hold it in anymore,” whispered Castor.

Pollux looked at him with something between a reassuring smile and a panicked grimace. “I think it’s time for you to wake up now.”

* * *

“-think I’ve got it working again-”

“Idds, you’re a fucking genius.”

“Don’t thank me yet, Captain, thank me when I don’t have a half-drowned organic on my couch.”

“I- okay, first off, he got like, a tiny bit of water in his hair, second, did I mention the part where he’s one of the components of _literally your Diamond?_ ”

“I _literally_ _do not care_. These pillows are dry-wash only, you know.”

Castor groaned, blinking against the bright light ahead. “Wh’s…?”

“How many fingers am I holding up?” asked Lars blithely. Castor blinked again, squinting.

“I… don’t know.”

“Damn. I was flipping you off, I thought it’d be funny, but now I’m actually worried you might have a concussion or something.” Lars sat back, leaning away from him. “HEY CONNIE! WHAT’RE THE SIGNS OF A CONCUSSION?”

“Uh, okay, _first off,_ if he does have one, yelling is one of the worst things you can do-”

“I don’t have a _concussion,_ ” insisted Castor, though he wasn’t actually all that certain. “I just can’t _see_ for _shit._ ” Lars gave a dramatic gasp, and Castor was sure he was holding one hand against his chest.

“Connie, this _must_ be an impostor. No aspect of Steven would ever swear.”

“I’m _seventeen_ , I’m allowed to swear!”

“Incorrect, you are baby.”

Castor groaned as he tried to sit up, ignoring Lars’ nonsense. “How long was I out for?”

“Approximately two minutes and eighteen seconds,” replied a Peridot that Castor didn’t recognize, with her gemstone on her chest, wearing very Human-looking clothing, and rather more yellowish tint than most Peridots he’d seen.

“Do you remember what happened?” asked Connie, moving from around the other side of the couch.

“I remember learning that the power store thing isn’t waterproof,” mused Castor, finding that the aforementioned object was once again around his neck. “I’m guessing you fixed it?” he asked of the unknown Peridot, who rolled her eyes.

“Yes, yes, you’re welcome and all that.”

“This is Idds,” said Lars. “One of Fluorite’s components, if you can believe it.”

Idds huffed. “ _Iddingsite Peridot,_ specifically.”

“Thank you for helping me,” said Castor, openly and honestly, making Idds blush lime.

“Yes, well…” She stuttered a bit, then growled. “Goodbye.” With that, she scampered off, and Castor swore he saw the shape of her hair peering around the corner a moment later.

“She doesn’t like strangers,” said Lars, somewhat apologetically. “She and Lherz- and if you’re about to make a joke, I can _assure_ you it’s already been made- are pretty much our only techies, since they’re both Peridots. Ember and Frill were _really_ freaking out, though- what _happened?_ ” Castor sighed, dreading the inevitable, but knowing what had to happen.

“I, uh… they asked me what caused Pollux and I to split,” he replied. “I panicked, tried to get away. Frill touched me and I flipped out, which made Ember scared, which made me scared, and then I think I tripped over Padparadscha…”

Lars snorted. “Okay, so, while that does sound really bad, that’s a hilarious mental image.” Connie glared at him, giving him a hard nudge. “Ow, okay! _Jeez_ , you have pointy elbows.”

“There’s, um…” Castor frowned, looking away. “I was gonna just tell Connie, but… you should both know, I think.” Connie and Lars glanced at each other nervously, then back at Castor.

“You _have_ been hiding something, haven’t you?” asked Connie, though there was no accusation in her voice. Castor nodded, and, instead of saying anything, he simply pulled back his hair. He cringed as he heard the gasps from the two of them, and he kept his eyes closed.

“W- we saw this in the mirror, and, um, I guess it transferred over to me, too?” Castor told them, his voice unsteady, wavering, cracking. “They’ve, um, they’ve _grown_ , too, you could barely see them at first, but…” He could feel the rough material under his hands, rugged bone that curved into a dull point, nearing a half-inch long now. “I just… I’m really, _really_ scared. ‘cause, either it’s a relapse, and, and it’s happening _all over again,_ or- or this is _permanent_ , and maybe the start of even _more_ , and- and-” He choked on a sob as Connie moved to sit next to him, holding him close to her.

“We’ll figure this out, okay?” she told Castor quietly once they pulled away from each other. He just nodded, not trusting himself to be able to speak. “I can call Mom and have her send Ms Centi over, maybe? Since she knows a lot about all this.”

“I don’t… I don’t want anyone else to know,” Castor mumbled as Lars stood, moving quickly to grab something from a side table.

“Lars and I aren’t gonna be able to help you, though, you know that…”

“Doesn’t mean I have to like it…”

Connie laughed. “I mean, _true_.” Lars returned, providing Castor with a box of tissues.

“It alright if I text Rhodonite and Pads to let them know what happened? I don’t want them to freak out- plus Pads is gonna See it anyways if we leave it too long.” Castor paused, but nodded.

“They fused again?”

“Yeah, Rhodes was the one who carried you over here, actually. I mean, have you _seen_ me?” Lars gestured vaguely at himself. “I have the upper body strength of an _undercooked noodle_.” Castor chuckled, and Connie just rolled her eyes.

“I’ll let Mom know what’s going on,” said Connie pulling out her phone. “I should _probably_ warn you that there’s a non-zero chance she comes breaking down your guys’ front door once she hears Castor passed out,” she added to Lars, who shrugged.

“I’ll just tell the Bismuths that Blue Lace did it.”

“She’s like, the most chill Agate I’ve ever _met!_ ” Castor argued.

“Also, all of Little Homeworld is built for the standards of Gems, especially rowdy Quartzes; I don’t my mother has a chance of actually _breaking_ something.”

“Ugh, _fine,_ ruin my fun, why don’t ya-”

* * *

In the end, Dr Maheswaran did _not,_ in fact, kick down the door to the Off-Colors’ living space, though she _did_ send Castor a rather panicked video call. He reassured her that he was just fine, and Connie explained the rest of the details. Castor showed her the dark horns on his head, which, thankfully, hadn’t grown any further. Dr Maheswaran seemed more curious than concerned, and told him that she’d send Ms Centi down to the Temple house the next day, sometime in the afternoon.

Lars showed off to them a bit by summoning a portal of his own to get Castor and Connie back to the Temple, and though he had to summon it horizontally, he did manage to get it almost directly above the couch. Unfortunately, Pearl had been sitting there, and ended up getting squashed underneath the two teenagers, much to her indignance.

Castor told her, as well as Greg and Amethyst, about what had happened, showing them the dark horns. Apparently, Centi had mentioned to the latter two that this was a possibility, but they hadn’t wanted to scare him about something that might not happen. Castor was somewhat annoyed, but he understood their reasoning well enough. Pearl was worried, though, that if the horns had grown since first being discovered, there might be other signs of corruption that Castor hadn’t yet found.

So, now, Castor was standing in Steven’s room, with the blinds closed and the lights on, stripping down to his undergarments while Pearl watched.

...in fairness, Gems didn’t exactly have much of an understanding of nudity taboos. Those were something that had to be taught to Steven, as well, after a particularly… _memorable_ incident that shall not be spoken of ever again. So, while Castor did feel a _bit_ awkward undressing, it helped that Pearl didn’t care in the slightest.

Pearl hummed to herself, lifting up Castor’s arm from his side. “Your claws are darker, that’s for sure…”

“We already saw that, actually. And Steven’s freckles are more… magenta-y. Mine are still just dark brown though.”

“Mm. When did those show up, actually? I know Steven didn’t always have them.”

“...after Pollux and I fused again,” said Castor sheepishly. “That was when hi- _our_ gemstone stopped looking round, too. And when Steven’s eyes stopped looking pitch-black all the time.”

“Oh!” said Pearl, surprised. “I- I hadn’t put two and two together, I suppose- I’d known that he’d changed after all that, but… I kind of assumed it was intentional.” Castor shrugged, sitting down to remove his pants more easily.

“It’s not anything bad, really,” he told her. “The freckles look kinda nice, and- hey, I mean, we’ll never get mistaken for a Rose Quartz again.”

“I suppose. Stand up a moment? So I can see your back properly.” Castor complied, shivering a bit as Pearl’s fingers ran down his spine. “There’s definitely _something_ here- here, feel it.” She took his hand, pressing it lightly against his neck. “There were… spikes, along your back…”

“I remember,” said Castor quietly.

“Oh. Yes. Well… ah, there’s one here on your neck,” she said, moving her hands as she spoke. “Another between your shoulders… one here, level with your ge- er, your… well, you don’t really have a belly button, I suppose…” Pearl cleared her throat awkwardly. “There’s two smaller ones just below it, as well,” she told him.

“No markings?” Castor asked. “Scales? Discolorations? That kinda stuff?”

“No, nothing. You can hardly tell there’s anything at all, especially when you’re standing still.”

“Huh. I mean- the horns were the first thing we noticed, when- when it happened the first time- but there were like… splotches and things, right after that.”

“Perhaps these are simply corruption scars, then?” Pearl offered hopefully. “All of the Quartzes have horns of some kind, you’d certainly be in good company.”

“...among Gems, sure,” said Castor. “But I… I’m realizing, I guess, that we wouldn’t really be able to go anywhere else- not on Earth, at least. Outside of the Delmarva coast… even outside of Beach City, really- people’d stare.”

“...I’m sorry,” said Pearl quietly. “I can’t imagine that’s easy for you.” Castor laughed humorlessly.

“I mean- ‘s not like we really spent time with other Humans anyways,” he mused. “Not outside of Beach City.”

“Well- there was that roller skating event!”

“Yeah, that was kind of an outlier, I think. Plus, uh… it was right after that that we found the horns in the first place,” Castor admitted.

“...oh.”

“...can, uh… can I put my clothes back on now?”

“Hm? Oh, yes, yes. You should probably change your shirt, though, the other one seems a bit, dripped on.” Castor hummed in agreement, and Pearl sat down on the bed as he went to change. “I was wondering… have you thought any further on what I suggested to Steven? About seeing Dr Brooks?”

Castor grimaced. “Oh, jeez- no, not really. I kind of forgot. Sorry.”

“That’s quite alright,” Pearl reassured him as he pulled his jeans back on and began hunting for a different shirt. “I’ve, ah, mentioned her to you, as I said before, and while I was wanting to get your permission before I discussed anything further, she did say it would be a good idea for you- well, Steven, but you by extension, I suppose- to spend more time with other Humans.”

“We do spend time with other Humans!” Castor argued once he’d wrangled his way into a weird tunic-sweatshirt thing he’d found. “Connie and Lars and Dad and… uh…”

“Today is the first time you’ve seen Lars since the Off-Colors’ graduation,” said Pearl flatly, “and you’ve barely interacted with either Connie or Greg before they moved in. Not to mention that Greg is your father, and Lars spends all of his time with Gems as well.” Castor groaned.

“I don’t see why that’s a big deal. It’s not like there’s much of a difference whether we’re hanging out with Gems or Humans.”

Pearl sighed. “Admittedly, I don’t see as much either, but, apparently it’s something rather important.”

“Headband or hairclip, do you think?” asked Castor, looking in the mirror.

“Mmm… hairclip, I’d say,” Pearl replied. “Also- I would like to be able to ask Dr Brooks for, ah, further advice considering you and Pollux, if you’d allow it.”

Castor hummed. “...honestly? I want to say no. But… I know it’d be a good idea.”

“Are you sure?” asked Pearl, concerned. “I don’t want to do anything that might make you uncomfortable…”

“Yeah, but…” Castor shrugged, leaning against the wooden vanity. “None of us have any idea what we’re doing, I think. And I think you and I have the same sort of, ‘if I don’t think about the problem it’s not there’ mentality. First step to solving a problem is admitting you have one, yeah? And the second step is admitting you don’t know how to solve it yourself.”

Pearl smiled. “You’re very wise for your age, you know.”

“Eh.” Castor blew a raspberry. “I’d believe that if I hadn’t managed to turn myself into a giant rage monster out of the sheer force of denial, but, go off I guess.” He paused, groaning. “I’m doing the exact same thing she did, aren’t I? Except she faked her own death instead of turning into a giant pink kaiju.”

“...I mean. You’re not _wrong,_ ” Pearl admitted.

“She literally ordered you not to speak about it to anyone, if that’s not denial I don’t know what is.”

“...in fairness, she did also ‘kill’ what she considered the image of everything she disliked about herself,” Pearl mused.

“I mean, you’ve seen what she had to wear in that form, we were willing to kill after wearing it for like a _week-_ ”

“Castor-!” Pearl looked furious for a split second before doubling over with laughter.

“I can’t imagine I wouldn’t also be willing to go _absolutely apeshit_ after a few thousand years-”

“I thought you couldn’t stand the mention of her?” asked Pearl eventually, wiping the tears from her eyes as she composed herself again, though a few giggles still poked through. “I mean- I could never truly agree with you, even if I did understand where you were coming from-”

“I never hated her,” said Castor, somewhat surprising himself. “I don’t know if Pollux does, but, I never really _hated_ her. I was… angry at her, yes, but… with everything that’s happened recently? I’m understanding her point of view more and more, I guess.” He looked up with surprise as Pearl sighed with relief.

“Oh thank the stars,” she wheezed, holding her chest. Castor stared for a moment, then laughed.

“I mean- I don’t like it when everyone compares us to her all the time, yeah? Even if it is applicable. I know it pisses Pollux off even more.” Pearl hummed in acknowledgement.

“...are you going to be alright for now?” she asked gently. Castor grimaced.

“Honestly? I don’t know,” he told her. “I might go back to Lars’ place, but if I do I’m gonna ask him if I can just like, help him out with baking or something. Something that’ll give me something to do, and won’t require like, a ton of social interaction.” Pearl nodded.

“Well, let me know what you decide on, please? I… I like knowing what’s going on with you,” she told him. Castor smiled.

“Yeah. I’ll do that.”

* * *

**steven <3**  
[] hey pearl

 **Mr Clean**  
[] Castor! Are you still at Lars’ house?

 **steven <3**  
[] yes  
[] i need your thoughts on something

 **Mr Clean**  
[] Of course! Ask away

 **steven <3**  
[] is a donut a dessert


	48. Three Ghosts

Pollux watched as his other half faded into sparks- his eyes closed in thought and focus as he returned to the waking world. Returned, and left Pollux alone once again.

...well. At least the interface was still here.

Pollux turned to see her standing to the side, bouncing on the balls of her feet, looking antsy and bored. Or perhaps that was just a mirror of Pollux’s anxieties? It wasn’t important. He just wanted to get out of here.

“Let’s keep moving,” he said unnecessarily, knowing that the interface would respond to his whims, but wanting the interaction, as fake as it may be. “The sooner we finish this the better.”

The interface hummed. "Lead the way!"

* * *

A hallway, its curving walls tiled with staring eyes, each one different from the last. Some had diamond pupils. One had a Nephrite, another, a Ruby, and another, a Carnelian. Some showed the marks of corruption. Some were simply Human.

An empty palace of glass, its corridors filled only with echoes of footsteps long since gone. There are people reflected in the glass, but, he can’t reach them, only see them.

A walkway of red carpet above an adoring crowd, cheering, praising. A walkway that starts to dip down and down, and a crowd that begins to shout their hatred and rage. The walkway dips further and further, closer to the ground, but the crowd is always just a bit out of reach.

A room of locked doors, their keys, hanging on peoples’ necks, each of them dispersed in the crowd. He tries to speak with them, but it’s as if he’s a ghost. When he touches them, they lash out and look at him in disgust- but it’s the only way to get their key. It takes a dozen tries to find the right one.

A jail, wardened by images of a child. In each cell, a frame, a split-second- a memory. They cry out from behind their bars, their screams woven of fears and stray thoughts. One catches him by the jacket and whispers a song to him, before one of the wardens drives it back with a cattle prod. Out of the corner of his eye, it almost looks like the interface is holding back tears.

A strip of land across the ocean, with no end in sight. Just sand.

A forest filled with craters, streaked with orange and pink.

A garden.

(There are roses everywhere.)

A garden, much like the one around the Fountain. No… exactly like the one around the Fountain…

* * *

He’d returned to where he started.

But this time there were no walls, no raging fires- and no statues, either.

And yet there was a figure, sitting there, playing a guitar.

And she sang.

“ _Eleanor Rigby  
Picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been  
Lives in a dream  
Waits at the window  
Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door  
Who is it for?_”

Pollux walked towards her slowly- he didn’t need to ask who she was. That was all too obvious. So instead, he simply sat next to her. She noticed him- her eyes, with their too-dark irises, and the exhaustion that seemed to follow along, flitted towards him, then back to her instrument.

“ _All the lonely people  
Where do they all come from?  
All the lonely people  
Where do they all belong?_”

The interface was nowhere to be found, but, he didn’t mind. That was actually surprising to him, really.

This was the last person he’d want to be alone with.

“ _Eleanor Rigby  
Died in the church and was buried along with her name  
Nobody came  
Father McKenzie  
Wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave  
No one was saved…_”

Rose Quartz set down the guitar, leaning it against the fountain’s edge. “You know, I always thought that that line, about the man having buried Eleanor- I thought it meant he was the one to kill her. A bit silly, I know-”

“Why are you here?” asked Pollux harshly. Rose startled, but didn’t move away.

“...because you can’t access the file error on your own,” she said, sheepish. “Every accessible area has been searched.” Pollux frowned.

“...how long have I been searching?”

“In the real world? It’s been a day and a night since you dissipated.”

Pollux jumped out of his seat, staring at the image of his mother. “What!? But- I-”

“Time moves oddly here,” she told him with an awkward shrug.

“No. I would have seen Castor again when he fell asleep.”

“I don’t know what to tell you.” Rose fidgeted awkwardly. “I’m sorry.”

Pollux rolled his eyes. “I’m sure you are. So, what, you’re my tour guide now? Is this “The Divine Comedy”? Because if so, you make a terrible Beatrice.”

Rose laughed, and Pollux felt the anger rise higher. “Oh- you’re terribly clever, Steven-”

“ **I’M NOT STEVEN.** ”

He hadn’t meant to yell, hadn’t meant to crack the ground beneath him, to send fractures running up the side of the fountain- but the look on Rose’s face was entirely worth it. “I… Nora, then?” she asked with what seemed to be legitimate confusion. Pollux just stared at her.

“...you don’t know who I am.”

Rose blushed, looking away. “...I never met you. I never had the chance to know who you are.”

“You’re not real.”

“Well… no, I’m not.”

_“Can you just- TALK TO ME FOR ONE SECOND!? LIKE A REAL PERSON!?”_

_“...I’m… not… a real person…”_

Pollux huffed as the memory faded. “That’s not what I meant.”

“N- no, it’s not, I know that,” said Rose, staring at the now-empty space apprehensively. “...what do I call you, then?”

“...Pollux. My name is Pollux.” He paused. “I chose it.”

“Oh!” Rose’s dark eyes lit up with stars- she grinned at first, but then reigned it in quickly, settling for a quiet smile. “I think that’s wonderful, Pollux.”

“I don’t care what you think,” Pollux stated flatly. Rose’s face fell, though it seemed she was trying not to let it show.

“Ah… that’s… fair, I suppose…”

“...you didn’t even know, did you?” Pollux looked at Rose, studying her. “About what we were.”

“‘We’ as in…?”

“Myself and…” Pollux fumbled for the right word. “...and my twin.” Rose’s hand went to her mouth.

“I- oh, oh I had no idea-” Her hands gripped at her thick, curling hair as panic spread across her form. “Oh, but that- I didn’t think there was a second embryo, that shouldn’t have been possible-!”

“There wasn’t,” growled Pollux, frustrated at Rose’s lack of attention. “Your son was a fusion.” Rose’s frantic pacing ceased, and she stared at Pollux, unblinking. “He was born fused. He didn’t even know he was a fusion until- until recently.”

“...you’re one of his components,” Rose realized, eyes wide. “Oh, that’s… that’s amazing!”

“...what!?”

Rose grinned, her fangs shining white, and she grabbed Pollux by the shoulders. “I’d never even thought that was possible! Even if I didn’t live to see this, I- oh, I wish I could have met you both! And your fusion, too- I don’t doubt that you’re all amazing-”

Pollux could feel the heat rising from his gem, could feel the Aura spreading across his cheeks, all while Rose kept speaking.

‘Amazing’

She doesn’t even feel sorry

‘Never even thought that was possible’- how? How did you not consider this? How did Garnet not See this?

Has the hell we’ve been through even crossed your mind?

If this is “The Divine Comedy”, you’re no Beatrice- you are Virgil, leading me through the inferno.

“-possibilities! And you- you’re still a Gem, even-”

“Shut up.”

Rose froze, staring in disbelief. “...what?”

“Shut. UP!”

The force of his scream pushed Rose away from him, and she landed in a clumsy heap on the cobbled ground. “Pollux-!”

“ **I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THIS FROM YOU!** ” he screamed, the ground beneath him turning to dust and gravel. “You can’t just pretend like everything’s fine! NOTHING is fine! Do you know how many times we’ve almost been KILLED because of you!? How many Gems went after us because they thought we were you!?” Pollux’s claws scratched against his facets. “We spent so many nights _hating_ this thing, not realizing how much we were hating ourself… do you know, Rose, what happens when a Diamond hates himself? When a Diamond feels like he’s going to die, every day of his fucking life, because his mother decided to just _leave!?_ ”

Pale pink tears streamed down her face. Pollux saw the sickly neon glow reflected in her eyes, and he didn’t care. No, that wasn’t right- he felt _justified_.

“Corruption. We _corrupted_ ourself, _mother,_ ” he told her, spitting the last word like venom. “But let’s not worry about that- because, we’re just, so, _amazing!_ And, and _fascinating!_ And everything is good and bright and happy in Rose Quartz’s little world, where nothing has consequences! Oh, they do? Better just fucking _die_ then! I’m sure _that_ won’t result in _lifelong trauma_ for anyone!”

He put a hand to his head, laughing, unsurprised to feel the crystalline tips of horns beginning to form. “And you know what the worst part is?” he asked. Rose shook her head numbly. “...I can’t even bring myself to hate you. I want to. _Stars,_ I want to. But… I…” Pollux shook his head, feeling the tusks that pushed at his skin.

“...you _should_ hate me,” Rose whispered, not moving from where she sat splayed on the ground. “You know what I’ve done. I’m… I’m a monster.” Pollux choked on a laugh.

“Yeah, see- that’s the thing, Rose- everything you’re saying? Is things I’ve felt- things Steven has felt. The older we get, the more and more we start to understand you.”

“I’m so sorry,” Rose told him, and Pollux knew she was being honest. “I… I would never want anyone to feel like that.”

Pollux sighed deeply. “I’m kind of pissed that Steven was the one to turn into a literal fifty-foot monster, though.” He sat down on the ground, leaning casually against one of the potted shrubs. “...what are you, anyways? I mean- the interface, all the memory things, they all had, like, error screen eyes. You don’t.”

Rose shifted uncomfortably. “I’m not actually sure. Are, um… are you okay?”

Pollux snorted. “No. Are you?”

“...no.”

“Didn’t think so.” He sighed, closing his eyes. “Last time I was able to actually _vent_ like that I was halfway corrupted. Time before that, accidentally made an angry cactus ogre, time before that I pretty much broke the Reef…”

“You’re scared of hurting someone.”

“I’ve seen what I can do. I’m _terrified_ of hurting someone.”

Rose hummed to herself as she gathered her dress, standing up awkwardly. “Well, look on the bright side,” she told Pollux with a wry grin as she offered her hand to him. “You haven’t faked your own death yet.”

“Mm. So then… where are we going now?”

Rose grimaced. “You’ll not like the answer.”

“I wasn’t expecting to.”

“Fair.” Looking out on the horizon, Rose pointed into the distance, and a silhouette appeared: a monster, held in a cage the size of a mountain.

“Oh.”

“I did warn you.”

* * *

The pair walked through dream after dream, each one of them unpopulated. Pollux had hoped for a quiet stroll before he faced the inevitable, but… he’d forgotten who he was walking with.

“So… Steven is still half-Human, then?”

“Yes,” said Pollux. He didn’t follow it up with any additional information, hoping to dissuade Rose’s curiosity.

“So when you’re unfused, your twin is still Human- how can you fuse back?”

“He’s not completely Human. He’s still Gem enough that we can fuse.”

“And- how did Steven realize he was a fusion?”

Yup, there it is

“White Diamond tore his gem out.”

Pollux couldn’t help but feel a bit of catharsis, hearing Rose’s footsteps freeze in place. “...what are you talking about?”

He paused his movement, but didn’t turn around. “She thought Steven was just you. She was convinced, actually. So much so that she tore us apart.” Pollux hummed thoughtfully. “We weren’t actually sure we weren’t you, before. Everyone acted like we were, or like they wanted us to be you.”

“I- I never-” Out of the corner of his eye, Pollux could see Rose looking away, tears forming and pooling at her hand placed over her mouth. “I never wanted this for you…”

“I used to think you made us just so you could escape your problems, y’know? Make someone else to deal with it all for you. But… I think we just wanted someone to blame, and, well, everyone else was blaming you…”

Rose shook her head angrily. “No, I- I should never have let this happen-” She growled, pushing her hands through her thick hair, ignoring the tears that still fell. “I should have _done_ something! Why would I- why would I _do_ this?”

Pollux frowned. “‘Do this’?”

“I-” Rose turned to him, her rage fading quickly. “...I said before that I’m a sort of… I’m what’s left of the real Rose Diamond, what’s left of her in you and Castor. But… not all of her.” She sighed. “There’s… holes. Stuff she refused to pass on to you.” ‘Rose’ gave a tired smile. “Keeping secrets from herself, even in death. Pollux, I don’t know why she gave her life up to make Steven. The only reason I know who your father is, is because I have access to some basic information about you. I never made the decision to have a child, and… and I honestly have no idea what drove me- the real me- to do so.”

“You don’t agree with her decision.”

“I don’t know!” ‘Rose’ threw her hands up in frustration. “I don’t know _you,_ not really! Are two lives worth the loss of one? Maybe! I don’t know!” She laughed, holding her face in her hands. “I’m just an image of a memory, I’m not sure how I even have _opinions,_ honestly. I’m not _real._ ”

Pollux stared at her. “...I don’t think that matters. You remember being Rose. You exist in some capacity. Do you consider yourself to be Rose Diamond?”

“Well, yes, but-”

“Then you are,” Pollux stated plainly. “You’re… you’re someone who made mistakes, and tried to change. Someone who didn’t know how to change. Who…” He bit his lip. “Who was convinced they were a monster, but had everyone acting like they were a saint, and so believed that if they ever acted like a person, those people would hate them. Someone who hurt people. Someone who helped people.”

For a moment, a flicker of an image stood behind Rose- Steven, not as a child, but as himself, smiling. The moment passed, and the image was gone.

“...it isn’t really possible for me to get to know you, really, as much as I’d like to,” mused Rose. “But if you’d like, maybe, you could get to know me.”

“What do you mean?”

“All my memories are still stored here, just, locked away. That’s why it took you so long to get to me. If you want… I can move them higher up. Let you remember.”

Pollux frowned, shifting in place. “I don’t know. I don’t want to stop being me…”

“You’d still be you!” Rose assured him. “But… you’d remember that you _used_ to be me.”

“...yeah,” Pollux said quietly, surprising himself somewhat. “I think I’d like that.”

* * *

The two of them were relatively quiet for the rest of the journey, especially once the tremors began. The landscape shifted from patchworked biomes- forests and plains stitched together like old fabric- to the unmistakable barren sandstone of the Kindergarten.

The path they walk wound past rocks and boulders, and into the canyon. But the moment the walls started to rise around them, they were pockmarked with holes- exit holes, now carved into cells, barred with the remnants of injectors. Pollux paused at one of them, running his hands over the bars.

“What is all this?” asked Rose quietly, looking around in horror.

“Something Red Jasper did,” Pollux replied. “Imprisoned corrupted Gems, trying to build her own army. She was… falling apart. The things that had happened to her just… wore down at her, until she broke. Until she was desperate enough to do _this._ ” The creature behind the bars of the cells- and amorphous shadow with a dozen glowing eyes- whimpered helplessly, staring back at Pollux.

_{Dark- run, run, run- intruder!- fight! defend!- run away, run away- get away! danger!- run away, need to run away-}_

Pollux lurched back like he’d been stung. The Gem’s words were muddled, jumbled, sung in that same broken song that Crazy Lace had used when she’d taken on her corrupted form again. But while Crazy Lace’s meaning had been clear, this creature- its mind was still corrupted. Lost. Broken. But some remnant of that song remained here, and, somehow, Pollux could understand it.

Was it just part of this place’s logic? Did this mean something deeper? Did it have some purpose? Or maybe it was just the nonsense of dreams putting together thoughts and memories that didn’t fit proper, making a puzzle by gluing the pieces together.

He knelt down by the creature, staring back into its eyes. “Why do you need to run?” he asked it quietly, weaving the layer of psychic translation into his song. It worked with spoken languages just fine- it was why Humans heard whatever language they expected to hear when a Gem spoke to them- but it had never worked with corrupted Gems before. That made sense, mind you, since it didn’t work with animals either, but, maybe…

_{Ordered us- run away, run away- friend? friend?- my Agate- food, find food, need food, find food- run, run, danger!- evacuate- ships in the sky- light! light and light and light and- dark}_

“...you were a Homeworld Gem,” Pollux realized aloud under his breath. “The last thing you can remember… was being told to run away.”

_{Run! run away run away!}_

“Pollux?” Rose’s voice was tense, anxious. “I think… I think we should keep going.” Pollux gave a short note of affirmation, still watching the corrupted Gem. “...are you alright?”

“...just thinking,” he replied, as he moved away from the bars. He led the way as they continued down the twisting hallway, leading them on a meandering route, ever nearing what seemed to be the centre.

“You said ‘Red Jasper’ did this,” said Rose. “Was it…” She paused, pursing her lips. “ _Red Sandstone that Remains Firm._ ” Pollux’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“She gave you her _Name?_ ”

“She respected me,” Rose told him. “And I respected her. We could never have been friends, not when we were on different sides, but… there was an… an understanding, of sorts. It’s tradition, really, to give a respected enemy one’s Name. I gave her mine. She gave me hers.”

Pollux gave a huff of laughter. “She never told me that. And she gave me her Name as well.” Now it was Rose’s turn to look surprised.

“You said she went mad.”

“Yeah. She’s… doing better, I think. She was, um…” Pollux scratched idly at the crystalline horns that still remained. “Just before Steven… corrupted himself… he went to her for help. It went… badly. He- no, _I_ hurt her. It wasn’t Castor’s fault. We healed her, but, uh, we ran away after that. But we had been going to her for help for a while. She was the only person we could fight without feeling like we always had the upper hand. And… she gave us her Name, and we gave her ours.”

“...what is your Name, then?”

“I haven’t got one, actually. Castor doesn’t either. But Steven is _He Who Uplifts the Universe._ ” Pollux smiled. “He chose it himself. We used to be _Budding Flower of Joy,_ but Connie thought we should pick something ourselves.”

“... _Rose of Earth with Cerise Thorns,_ ” Rose replied quietly. Pollux noted, though, that she didn’t call herself a Quartz. Names have two layers to them- the Name itself, and the type of Gem. It had started as a way for low-caste Gems to have names for each other without anyone noticing- a Pearl might call another by her Name, but anyone but that specific Pearl would just hear her being called ‘Pearl’. Steven’s Name hadn’t had that layer, when he was _Budding Flower of Joy-_ or rather, it had been his Human name, without his cut- but as _He Who Uplifts the Universe,_ he was a Diamond. And here and now, so was Rose.

It was… comforting.

* * *

The further they moved down the labyrinthine corridors, the taller they became, and the more cages they held. The creatures inside were quiet, thankfully, content simply to watch.

There was a storm forming overhead, a dark purple miasma that Pollux couldn’t help but feel he recognized. The air was thick with energy, but no lightning flashed, and no rain fell. The clouds simply hung there, in the way that clouds are wont to do.

Pollux had long since buttoned up his jacket to try and ward off the growing chill, though Rose’d given him an odd look. “ _You_ aren’t organic, are you?”

“No, but I don’t like being cold,” he had grumbled in response, shoving his hands in his pockets.

Pollux was rather thankful he could survive the cold just fine, though, as whatever was in the centre of this place seemed to be leeching all of the surrounding heat. Though, then again, this place wasn’t actually real… hmm. Could he actually get hurt here?

He decided he didn’t want to test that particular question anytime soon. Or ever, actually.

The frost covered most of the sandstone, and because of that, Pollux hadn’t noticed when barren rock had given away to carved marble, not until he saw the layer of moss and lichen that clung to it. The ground beneath them turned to a cobbled path, lined with bushes and plants, each one like an ice sculpture. Even the corrupted Gems were given ornate walls and gilded bars.

Pollux kept moving.

The path began to straighten out, though the thick miasma kept them from being able to see very far. There was a shape in the fog, though, towering above them- a lighthouse, perhaps, or a watchtower. Powerful magenta lights broke through the fog, searching- though they never fell on Pollux and Rose.

There was a door blocking their way forwards. It was a castle gate, and unmistakably so, with its white marble accented by oak and cast iron, though if there was a castle attached to it, it too was lost in the storm.

“This is… weird,” mused Pollux quietly, trying to peer through the mist. “Rose- you’ve seen castles and things, do you recognize this?” When she didn’t reply, Pollux turned to look for her, and found the place where she had stood to be empty. “...Rose?”

“She can’t take you any further,” replied a familiar voice. “She was only here to help break down the mental blocks she put up herself. Only you can actually get past them, though.”

Pollux watched as Steven stepped out from the fog, one eye a dark magenta, the other covered with a bandage. He still wore the plain clothing provided at the Medical Centre, his shirt cut in such a way that undoing the strings in the front would reveal his gemstone. He looked like he’d been through hell and back, and Pollux knew it was because he _had._ There was barely a part of him that wasn’t scarred over or bruised, with his feet and ankles having the worst of it.

The image of Steven smiled apologetically at Pollux. “Sorry. You just get me, I guess.”

Pollux stared at him. “...this doesn’t make any sense. Castor isn’t-”

“I’m not really me,” Steven explained hurriedly. “I’m- I’m based on your memories of _being_ me, just like Rose was. I think. I don’t entirely understand it either.”

“...let’s just keep moving,” said Pollux. “I don’t want to waste any more time.” Steven nodded, and awkwardly pushed on ahead, placing his hand on the oaken door. A panel pulsed pink, with veins of light streaming out from it. The door retracted into the walls at its side, despite them having no apparent openings. Pollux ignored it and kept moving.

The door slammed shut again behind him, throwing him into darkness. He sighed, wishing he’d bothered learning how to use his gem as a torch. Soon, though, pink-red flames shot up from the braziers along the wall, lighting the way to a stonework tunnel.

“Oh, goody,” Pollux deadpanned. “More passageways. Just what I wanted.” Internally, though, his anxiety had begun to skyrocket, and he could hear his pulse- the pulse he didn’t really have. The curve of his claws dug into his palms until they gave, the pooling ichor healing the wound. The image of Steven stayed close behind him, his footsteps being the only indication of his presence.

Pollux could hear something breathing. Something massive and heavy.

The air smelled of apples and almonds and strawberries.

Pink tears dripped from the masonry and pooled at Pollux’s feet.

There were roses everywhere.

The image of Steven remained at the door, watching. Pollux didn’t want him here. This was something he wanted to do alone.

Pollux looked up at the towering animal that stared down at him with glowing pink eyes, each filled with tears like acid. It stared back at him, and he waited.

...it huffed, and shifted to look back at the wall behind it.

This room was a cage, Pollux realized, like the ones outside. It was a cage lined with rose thorns, many of them dripping with blood. But one wall had been stripped of its vines, almost certainly resulting in the scars that crisscrossed the monster’s face. It was digging at the rough stone, and had found another layer of metal bars behind that. But the monster wasn’t deterred.

...what happens when it gets out?

Am I just a ticking time bomb? Is it just a matter of waiting until I become this thing again?

The monster gave a keening cry as it paused in its work, one filled with pain and anguish, wrought from a mind that couldn’t understand its own turmoil, and could do nothing about it.

Pollux looked at this image of himself, and felt pity.

...but Centi said that was the case for all uncorrupted Gems

So why should I treat myself any differently?

Pollux placed a hand on the monster’s tail. “Get some rest, big guy,” he told it quietly. “You’re gonna be okay.” The monster whimpered, shifting its body so that it could curl up in the hole it had carved, tucking its six legs underneath it like a cat. And in doing so, it revealed a door in the wall- tiny, insignificant, and a pale, crystalline pink.

Pollux couldn’t put words to it, but he knew this was it.

Whatever had forced him to search his own mind lay behind the door.

Steven walked up to it and placed a hand on it, as he had with the castle door, then glanced back at Pollux. “You’re sure about this?” he asked. “Whatever this file is, it hasn’t been accessed in a really, _really_ long time. That’s probably for a reason.”

“I don’t think I have a choice,” said Pollux calmly, placing his hands in the pockets of his jacket. Steven nodded.

Pollux stepped through the threshold,

and the world faded to black.


	49. Mendarae

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You let the pieces fall, so you can pick them back up. You say just what everyone needs to hear. You speak to them, and they will tell you anything.  
> Maybe that's evil. Maybe that's wrong.  
> But you've always pulled the strings for the benefit of the puppets.  
> (They're lucky you're on their side)

Castor returned home late that night. Connie had come with him to Lars’ place at first, but had returned to the Temple house via portal within an hour or so.

Castor knew he wouldn’t be sleeping tonight.

He was laying in his bed- _Steven’s_ bed, really- staring at the ceiling, ignoring the dull headache beneath his horns. ‘Growing pains’, Dr Maheswaran had said. She’d been willing to delay having Centi come over to check up on him until after Pollux had come back, which Castor was thankful for. But the headache was still distracting.

Groaning, he rolled over to grab his phone, slamming his eyes shut in response to the sudden light.

 **steven <3**  
[] r u awake

 **dad**  
[] i am now  
[] whats going on, bud?

 **steven <3**  
[] is there a medicine for headaches n stuff  
[] and do u have any

 **dad**  
[] are you in pain??

 **steven <3**  
[] uhhhh  
[] kind of  
[] its not the worst headache ive had but it still sucks

 **dad**  
[] ill grab some pills and a cup of water and bring them up to your room  
[] is that alright?

 **steven <3**  
[] yeah

Castor sighed in relief as he sat up and placed the phone back on the side table. Human medicine tended to be hit-or-miss for Steven, but Castor was hopeful that, on his own, that might not be the case. He rubbed at the skin on his forehead with the butt of his palm, trying not to agitate the skin too much.

It… it wasn’t the same as last time. It hurt, but it didn’t feel like he was being _ripped apart._ Rather than the horns being bony and rough, they were rounded and almost smooth, with a texture like a deer’s antlers. The skin around them was slightly inflamed, but wasn’t being pulled to shreds by the new growths.

And the strangest part was that, it didn’t feel _strange._

Sure, the headaches did, but… the horns didn’t feel _new._ They felt like they’d always been there, like they were _meant_ to be there.

That in itself scared Castor more than the horns did.

A knocking on the door pulled him out of his thoughts, and he gave a tired chirp in reply. Greg peered into the room, looking as tired as Castor did, and trying not to let too much of the light from outside seep in as he came in through the door. “Hey,” he greeted quietly. Castor gave a brief hum, too tired to bother with words. “I, uh- can you still see in the dark?”

“Technically I can, but, uh…” Castor gestured at his eyes. “‘s all just blurry shapes, still.” Greg nodded, leveraging his arm under the light switch to avoid having to put down either the cup or the pills. Castor closed his eyes just a bit too late, the bright flash making him grimace.

“Ooh, sorry.” Castor felt Greg sit down on the bed. “Uh… I’m pretty sure you’ve taken pills before, right?”

“Yeah. The allergy medications, remember?”

Greg frowned. “I thought those were liquid ones… er, no, they _were,_ and then we got you the proper ones, once you were old enough, right?” Castor just offered a shrug and a vague hum. “Eh, fair enough.”

The pills went down pretty easily, though Castor surprised himself with just how thirsty he was. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been drinking plenty while at Lars’, but it felt like he’d spent the day in the desert. He frowned, looking down at the empty cup. “‘m gonna go grab a bottle or somethin’,” he decided, moving to get out of bed. “‘m pretty thirsty, ‘pparently.”

“Oh no you don’t, you stay right there,” Greg told him with a surprising amount of determination. “You shouldn’t be straining yourself.”

Castor just rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, alright,” he grumbled, flopping back down onto his pillows. Though, in fairness, while he could walk on his own, it was incredibly tiring. Most things were, actually. The last time he’d felt this exhausted was…

Oh.

The last time he’d felt like this was after Steven had been hit with the rejuvenator. After Castor’d had to be on his own.

Whatever the thing _did_ to them, it’d kept Pollux from interacting with Castor at all, and vice versa. He hadn’t even realized he was on his own, at the time, but looking back…

No. He wasn’t going to dwell on it. It was done and over and he didn’t have to think about it anymore. Spinel wasn’t going to attack again. He was _fine._

...his hand moved to press at his horns almost without his willing it.

But these say otherwise, don’t they?

The door was already ajar when Greg came back up, but he still knocked on it, if only to let Castor know he was back. “Grabbed the biggest cup I could find,” he told Castor proudly, handing him a cylindrical plastic cup that could easily fit a gallon, the side of it proclaiming itself to be a prize from Funland. It came with a lid and a straw, probably so you didn’t drench yourself trying to drink out of it. Castor ignored that and took the lid off, gulping down as much water as he could, to the point that he had to gasp for air when he was done.

“I did not realize I was that thirsty,” he half-wheezed, popping the lid back into place and setting the massive cup onto the side table.

“You know you’re gonna wake up and have to pee in like, an hour or so, right?”

“Bold of you to assume I’m gonna be able to fall asleep,” grumbled Castor. Greg grimaced.

“You should at least try,” he said. “Even if you don’t actually fall asleep, you should still lie down and rest.” Castor scoffed.

“Yeah, okay. Good to know you’re worse at listening to your own advice than _I_ am.”

“...how did you know?” Greg’s voice was quiet, timid.

“That you haven’t been sleeping since all of this started? I dunno. Just… _body language,_ I guess. And you get fidgety when you’re tired. Though the bags under your eyes aren’t helping.”

Greg sighed. “I heard you were feeling guilty about how everyone was handling all this… I guess I didn’t want you to feel that about me, y’know?”

Castor gave a snorting laugh. “Oh, I can assure you that I know. Why do you think Steven didn’t _talk_ to anyone about all this? Hell, I’m pretty sure the only reason _I’m_ willing to talk about it is _sleep deprivation._ ”

“...I wish there was something more I could do,” said Greg quietly. “I want to help you, but, all this stuff is just…” He shook his head. “I don’t know.” Castor shrugged.

“I mean, you’ve been iffy about ‘Gem stuff’ from the start, I’m not gonna expect anything new.” Greg stiffened in response, looking up at Castor.

“That’s not what I mean,” he insisted. “I know I should have been there for you, and I’m sorry. I… I want to make up for that. I really do. I just don’t know _how._ ”

Castor nodded. “’m sorry for assuming.”

“No hard feelings, yeah? Hey, uh- since neither of us are sleeping any time soon, we could head out on the beach?” Greg smiled. “Get a bit of a jam session in?”

“...I don’t, um… I don’t know if I remember how to,” Castor admitted awkwardly. “I don’t know what stuff I got and what stuff Pollux got, I guess.”

“Well, I mean… there’s one way to find out.”

* * *

Much to his own surprise, Castor was just as good with a guitar as Steven was- though he hadn’t really built up the confidence to actually sing. Singing for the purpose of singing was rather different from Gemsong, in concept if not in structure, and even though his dad was the only person present, he couldn’t quite get past that lump of anxiety in his chest.

The van was parked outside of the Temple, situated beneath the sloping cliffside, with a view of both the ocean and the nearby forest. Even as his claws strummed lazily over the guitar, Castor’s gaze kept drifting back towards the forest, hoping for a sign of movement.

He really was trying to stay focused, but… he couldn’t stop thinking about Jasper.

_“Guess that’s why I could never do it.”_

_“Never do what?”_

_“Kill myself.”_

Castor shuddered as the memory replayed in his mind, quickly accompanied by bits and pieces of… of Jasper’s death.

He hadn’t meant to kill her. It hadn’t even occurred to him that he _could._ She’d told him she could take it, and he’d believed her, and she’d _died._

“Cass? You alright?” Castor glanced back at his dad, his expression hidden by the night’s darkness. “You seemed a million miles away there.”

“...did the Gems tell you what happened with Jasper?” Castor asked cautiously, fearing the answer. Greg sighed, setting down his own guitar.

“They told me you, um… you hurt her. Pretty badly.”

Castor didn’t correct him on the details. “After we crashed the van, we… we panicked. Jasper said she could help us, and… in a way, she did, but… we were fighting. We weren’t trying to do anything bad, just… sparring. And… um…” Castor looked away, biting his lip. “She wasn’t mad at us, though? I still don’t know why. But also, um… we talked to her a little bit ago, and ended up spending the night at her… ‘home’, I guess. It’s a cave, technically, but it’s actually really nice somehow? But she was gone when we woke up, and… I don’t know where she is.”

Greg nodded in understanding. “You’re worried about her.”

“Yeah.”

“...is she someone you feel safe around?”

Castor looked over at Greg in surprise, then, contemplated the question. “...I think so? I mean… she’s never met… well. _Me._ And she has… kind of mixed feelings about fusion.” He paused. “She _did_ also try to kill us a few times, but, so did most people we know, so I’m not really counting that.” Castor chuckled quietly, but Greg did not.

“I, uh, forgot to let Pearl know we were out here,” he told Castor awkwardly. Castor didn’t bother to call him out for his obvious excuse to leave. “I’ll be right back!”

Castor watched as Greg jogged back to the Temple, staring curiously.

Well that just happened, I guess?

He sighed, hefting the guitar back up onto his lap, claws idling at the strings. After a moment, he decided not to play a tune, but the lyrics. Since Gemsong is comprised of layered notes, it’s possible to ‘speak’ using an instrument or the like, though the end result is very simplistic in comparasion to the voice of an actual Gem. But, since Castor wasn’t feeling terribly creative, it would do to keep his hands occupied.

Do you believe in destiny?  
I close my eyes ‘cause I don’t want to see  
Do you believe in fantasy?  
I have to when it's killing me, oh  
What are we doing here, in the real world?  
What are we doing here, monsters walking amongst you  
What are we doing here, and what am I-

“Steven?”

Castor jumped in place with a panicked chirp, the song ending abruptly and discordantly. “Jas- Jasper?” he asked, trying to shuffle back into the van where she wouldn’t be able to see him. Her massive form was unmistakable, even in the dark, her curling horns illuminated by the moonlight. “What are you doing here?”

Jasper huffed at him. “I was going to ask the same of you. It’s not safe out here.” Castor sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Uh-huh. And what, pray tell, am I not safe from?” Jasper just shrugged. “Yeah. Okay. Thanks.” Castor crossed his arms. “The heck is going on? W- I woke up and you were gone, and _Pearl_ was there- she told me you just left.”

“We talked,” Jasper replied nonchalantly. “And she gave me a task.”

“A task?”

“Keep this place safe from any Gems that might want to attack you while you’re down,” she explained. “The defe- _Hazel_ Pearl hasn’t made her formal announcement, but apparently people have started to notice your absence.”

“Oh.” Castor frowned as he tried to process this. “Has… has anyone tried so far?”

“Not yet.”

“That’s good.”

The silence moved like molasses, with Castor awkwardly scratching the back of his neck and Jasper’s tail sweeping against the sand. It stretched on for a good minute- long enough for Castor to forget to disguise his voice. “Have you been doing alright?” Jasper’s form stiffened, and Castor could see the glint of her fire-gold eyes. “Jasper?”

“...you’re not my Diamond.”

“Jasper? What’re you-”

Jasper snatched Castor out of the van by his collar, eliciting a strangled squawk from him. Her thick hands pushed his hair back, her claws glancing against his horns. “What _are_ you!?”

“Jas- Jasper-!” Castor’s breaths were shallow as he tried to move, but all his struggling was pointless. Jasper lifted him up, observing him. “I can- I can explain! Just- _ghk-_ put me **down!** ”

Jasper growled, but threw him down onto the sand. He gasped to try and fill his burning lungs, coughing as he did so. “You said you could explain, so _explain,_ ” Jasper insisted. Even as he tried to get his breath back, Castor lifted the hem of his shirt, showing the scar on his stomach.

“I’m not… Steven,” he told her, voice still hoarse. “I didn’t want to lie to you, but I didn’t know how you’d react, and…” He gestured at his neck. “I think I was right to be cautious, apparently.”

“That still doesn’t explain-”

“Steven is a fusion. I’m… half of him.”

“That’s a load of shale. My Diamond is a lot of things, but _that_ isn’t one of them.”

“We didn’t know for a while either,” Castor admitted, rising shakily to his feet. “I don’t… I know you don’t have any reason to believe me, and… I’m okay with that. Just, _please_ don’t do that again. I’m…” Castor rubbed a hand against his arm. “...I’m a lot more Human than Steven is… for better or worse.”

“You mean you’re _weak,_ then,” stated Jasper, though- it didn’t feel like an insult, really.

Castor nodded. “Kind of.”

Jasper hummed. “More reason for me to stay on patrol, then,” she decided proudly, crossing her arms. Castor just laughed.

“Yeah, if you like.”

“...where’s the other one, then?”

“Pollux. I’m, um… he’s…” Castor grimaced. “We’re waiting on him to reform,” he eventually said, deciding on the simplified version of things. “Pearl’s watching him.” Jasper nodded.

“Good.”

And with that, without even bothering with a goodbye, Jasper continued on her route, waltzing off in vaguely the direction of the forest.

Castor just stared.

...is it just me or is everyone being kind of weird tonight?

…

...right. Shouldn’t be expecting a response.

* * *

Castor waited a good while for Greg to come back, and, after checking his phone for the dozenth or so time, got up to head back to the Temple house- after making sure to lock up the van, of course. There wasn’t really anything worth stealing in it, but old habits die hard.

He moved slowly up the wooden steps, feeling the new wood beneath his feet. The whole front of the house had been replaced, though, that had happened more than a few times now. Walking was easier when he stood on the balls of his feet, which Castor didn’t entirely understand- shouldn’t that’ve put him even _more_ off balance?

The house itself was empty, save for Connie asleep on the couch, Lion curled up on the floor next to her, and Cat Steven curled up on top of Lion. Neither Greg nor Pearl were present.

See, this is why I don’t ask for shit, Castor grumbled internally.

Castor sighed, sitting down on one of the counter stools, watching Pollux’s gemstone. It was completely still, yes, but… Castor could still hear its own ‘song’, the sound of its machinery. In there, Pollux was still dealing with… whatever it was. He hadn’t really said much about it, but, Castor could ask him once he reformed.

You’ll be proud of me, I bet, when you find out I told the others

And you’ll tell me all about what makeup I should use to work with the dark purple, and talk about fashion and stuff, and then just wear an old hoodie or something because it’s comfortable

And we’ll laugh and we’ll hug and we’ll be Steven again

...right?

...

...all I can think of, now, is what Crazy Lace Agate asked Steven, about if he would want to stay split up if he could.

I don’t ever want to leave you, Pollux, please know that

But for the first time ever I feel like I’m starting to know who I am

And I want to be that person with you alongside me

Maybe not all the time, maybe- maybe when it’s just us, or something, but…

I miss you. Not just because of Steven, but, I miss **you**

The Temple door slid open to reveal Pearl exiting Amethyst’s room, carrying a rather dated-looking holo-screen tablet. “Oh! Ca-” Pearl winced as she remembered Connie was asleep in the room. “Castor,” she greeted, her song much quieter now. “I assure you I was only gone for a few minutes. I’ve been helping Lime Pearl with some of the Little Homeschool work, and I needed Amethyst’s opinion on something. Normally I’d just text her, but, ah, apparently I was interrupting her nap.”

“Where’d Dad go?” asked Castor, just as quietly.

“Hmm? He went back to get you, I thought. Did he not return to the van?”

“Well, no, he…” Castor trailed off, sighing with realization. “Does Jasper know he’s allowed to be here?”

“Er, I believe so. I gave her photos of the individuals she could let through, so she could have a visual reference.” Pearl frowned, hand resting on her chin. “Although… I may have given her one of Greg from before his hair was cut…” Castor groaned, placing his head in his hands.

“I’ll go deal with it,” he grumbled, stalking off towards the door.

Pearl hummed in agreement. “I’ll stay with Pollux, then.”

Concern overriding any physical discomfort, Castor’s toes hit the cold sand, his claws finding traction where the midnight chill had packed it tight. To his surprise, it was far easier to run than it was to walk, to propel himself forwards rather than keep himself steady.

As a further surprise, it wasn’t on the beach that he spotted Jasper, but nearer to the woods. As he got closer, eventually slowing to a tip-toe as he listened, Castor heard Jasper and Greg arguing.

“-my son! I don’t know what more proof you want!”

“Look, Crystal Pearl told me who to let in, and you’re not one of them. Leave.”

“Wh- she wouldn’t do that… would she?” Greg muttered to himself. “Aw jeez… she took Steven from the Medical Centre, but, she knows she messed up with that, right?”

Castor sighed, then took a deep breath as he stood up straight, trying to mimic the intimidation that Pollux so easily exuded… then realized how badly he’d end up failing.

Jasper respects strength, respects power- but not just the physical kind. She respects power of will. She respects Steven, for some reason. I’m not exactly that physically intimidating, but…

“Jasper.”

Jasper whipped around, then scowled when she saw Castor standing there, one hand against a nearby rock. “You again,” she growled. “You’re pushing your luck.”

“Jasper,” repeated Castor, his song soft, steady, strong. “Stand down.”

She didn’t react immediately, but the doubt in her eyes told Castor that he’d gotten through to her. “If you’re coming at me with that void-damned ‘I’m actually one of Steven’s components’ nonsense again, you’re gonna need to back it up a bit better this time. Not kicking you out is one thing, actually _believing_ you is another.”

“Fair,” Castor conceded. “So, tell me then, _{Red Sandstone that Remains Firm / Red Jasper},_ what proof do you want?”

The use of her Name was enough to stun Jasper, make her stagger a moment, but she held her ground. “Someone could have told you that,” she insisted, though not with any real determination- a Name wasn’t something you often shared.

“{The first time you met Steven, you thought we were Rose Quartz, and knocked us unconscious,}” continued Castor, no longer allowing his song to translate to the spoken word. This wasn’t something Greg needed to hear- and some of it, no-one but Jasper needed to know. “{The next time we saw you, it was as Malachite, dragged under the ocean by her own power, in chains.}” Jasper flinched back at the reminder, and while Castor wasn’t fond of bringing up her trauma, he couldn’t let this continue. “{The last thing you said before slipping into the corruption was how you hated Rose for what she did to your Diamond.}”

“{There were others present for all of those,}” said Jasper, her song almost pleading.

Castor sighed, closing his eyes. “{Jasper… please-}”

“{I will not allow an imposter to harm my Diamond.}”

“{...you wanted us to kill you. You wanted to die. Is that enough for you? Is that what you wanted to hear?}” Castor’s claws dug into the stone at his side. “{That Human there is Steven’s parent and caretaker.}” There wasn’t exactly a Gemsong equivalent to ‘dad’, or, if there was, Castor didn’t know it. “Please, Jasper. I know you were just trying to follow Pearl’s instructions.”

Jasper’s expression was distant, almost hollow, her eyes no longer holding their usual fire. “...my Diamond is a fusion, then,” she stated calmly- an empty sort of calm, that is.

“We didn’t want you to know,” Castor told her apologetically. “But… yeah.”

“The- the other one- Pollux- he holds the pink Diamond gemstone?”

“Yes,” replied Castor hesitantly, fearing that Jasper might decide to only follow Pollux instead. But she just nodded, hand running against the back of her neck. Her gaze snapped over to Greg.

“What purpose do you serve?”

Greg frowned. “Wh- hey! What is that supposed to mean!?”

“She just wants to know what you are to me and Pollux,” explained Castor quietly. “Gems don’t have parents, remember?”

“Oh. Uh… I’m… I take care of them, or, try to, I guess,” answered Greg sheepishly. “I didn’t know about Castor and Pollux either, not until recently, but… Steven’s still Steven, y’know? He’s still my son.”

Jasper’s eyes narrowed. “Your purpose is to ‘take care of them’?”

“The best equivalent would be a vein overseer,” Castor told her. “You probably had your own Agate, yeah?”

“...Snakeskin Agate. She was broken, during the war.”

“...I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t start the war, little .̸.̴/̷V̴+̸, so don’t apologize for it. And she died protecting her vein. It’s what she would’ve wanted.” Jasper looked over at Greg, the fire sparking behind her eyes once again. “Would you do the same for your ‘son’?”

“Without question.”

Jasper nodded. “Hmm. I can see why Rose liked you.” She moved to leave, then paused, her gaze flicking over to Castor. “When your I̸L̶/̶^̷.̷.̵ comes back, send your Hazel Pearl to inform me.” She smirked, fangs and tusks glinting in the fading light. “Should be interesting to meet him.”

Castor watched as she left, waiting until she was long gone to release the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “That went better than I’d expected, actually.”

“You said you trusted her?”

“I do! She’s just a bit… _intense,_ ” Castor admitted as the two of them walked back, with Castor occasionally leaning on Greg for support. “And, uh… she’s only had two experiences with fusion, and both went really, _really_ badly, so, uh… yeah.”

“...you really weren’t kidding about Gems trying to kill you, huh?”

“Look, it’s-” Castor pursed his lips. “Yeah, it was scary back then, but… I mean, she really did think Steven was Rose Quartz, and she has every reason to hate her. I mean, she’s been living in a _cave_ since she found out about the whole Pink Diamond thing.”

“Castor, that doesn’t make it okay-”

“I know! I know. It wasn’t okay. But it’s done and over with, and… as scary as she seems, Jasper is… she’s doing better.”

Greg sighed. “If you say so.”

* * *

Due to Castor and Greg being awake already, plus Connie’s tendency to get up early, breakfast was served before sunrise. The table still felt empty without Garnet, even with Greg and Connie there.

Neither Castor nor Pollux had really noticed it at first, but… the Gems really were trying to give them the normality they needed. They had a proper breakfast and supper every day, though when those happened varied, and also depended on how successful Greg and Amethyst’s cooking attempts went. And in between everything, Amethyst was always there to just hang out. Some days they could barely get out of bed, but… they knew that there would be someone present when they did.

Even Lion seemed to be around more often. Bismuth and Peridot would simply stop by every now and then, just to say hello. No random visitors, though- Pearl had made sure of that, apparently. Castor wasn’t sure if he was appreciative of that or not. Maybe when Pollux was back they could talk about it.

Castor stared down at his already-empty plate, not having realized just how hungry he was. Maybe this was a side effect of being split?

“D’you want some more?” offered Greg, lifting up a corner of the large plate covered haphazardly with French toast. “I made plenty.”

“There’s syrup, as well,” noted Pearl, holding a small drinking glass of the sugary substance. Castor nodded, and Pearl meticulously doled out a small stack of slices for him. “You ate that rather fast.”

Castor shrugged. “I dunno. I’m just hungry, I guess.”

“You spent like, an hour or so snacking on stuff from Spacetries!” argued Connie. Castor didn’t correct her by noting that it was rather more than just an hour.

“It could be that your body is trying to compensate for the lack of provided energy,” mused Pearl. “It recognizes you’re not getting as much energy as usual, and registers it as a physical hunger. Either way, I’d suggest not eating _too_ much.” Castor gave a hum of affirmation.

“Just admit it, Cassie,” added Amethyst smugly. “My eggy bread skills are just too good to resist.”

“I still think you’re pulling my leg with the ‘eggy bread’ thing,” grumbled Greg.

“I’m serious! It’s been called that for like, forever! And it’s not even French!”

Castor smiled softly, rolling his eyes. It was so strange to miss something you’d never had, and even stranger to have it back again, and yet…

“I’ll be just a sec,” he told them, getting up to use the bathroom, managing to only stumble once on his way there. Closing the door behind him, he leant against it, sighing.

Castor laughed.

This was… nice. No, it wasn’t perfect- Pollux was still dissipated, Garnet was still split. There were still things to fix, but that was good too! He didn’t just feel needed, he felt _wanted_ as well. Loved. Cared for.

...was this selfish? To have been loved, but only feel it when it was shown a certain way? If it was, Castor didn’t care.

After washing up, and getting a bit of soap under his claw-sheaths (that was gonna bug him for the rest of the day and he _knew_ it), Castor looked at himself in the mirror, and for once, didn’t see someone different staring back. He saw himself.

With his eyes, his fangs, his _horns,_ he wasn’t Human, not entirely, but… he could deal with that. He could deal with…

...with finding splotches of pink against tan skin, scattered haphazardly on his face.

Castor’s first response was panic. They can’t know. They can’t know. I have to hide it. He grabbed a bandage from one of the cupboards- why do we even **have** these!?- and unwrapped it, lining it up against his face, and

“...what am I doing?” he muttered to himself. “No. I don’t need to do this. I don’t need to hide it.”

Instead he opened the door slightly and sat cross-legged on the closed toilet lid, grabbing his phone from his pocket.

 **steven <3**  
[] hey uh  
[] i mightve found more corruption scars  
[] im kind of freaking out?  
[] um  
[] i dont know what to do

Castor heard the muffled sound of Pearl’s song as she spoke to the others, not long followed by her head peeking through the doorway. “Castor?”

“There’s, uh… marks or something, on my face,” he told Pearl awkwardly. “I don’t, um…” Before he could figure out what it was he was trying to say, Pearl was already holding his head in her hands, examining him, running her thumb over the affected skin.

She hummed in contemplation. “I think your initial hypothesis was correct,” she mused. “The skin doesn’t seem irritated or inflamed, just… _pink._ Does it hurt at all?”

“No. I didn’t notice it ‘till I looked in the mirror. Probably ‘cause it’s a lot brighter in here…”

Pearl nodded. “Yes, well… are you comfortable with joining us again?”

“Yeah. I’m, uh- I’m just gonna put my hair up a second, I’ll be right with you.” Pearl hummed in understanding and returned to the table, and Castor could hear bits and pieces of her explaining the growing scars to the others.

Most of Steven’s accessories and such had been moved upstairs with the addition of the vanity in his room, but there were still a handful in here yet, and that was enough. With his hair pulled back, Castor could see that the discoloration had spread nearly to his left ear, staining his skin pink in seemingly random spots. He sighed.

I guess it was too much to hope the horns would be the extent of it

There was relatively little reaction from the others once Castor returned to the table, other than him being roped into the ‘eggy bread’ vs ‘French toast’ squabble between Greg and Amethyst. Castor smiled, but he couldn’t really focus that much on what they were saying. His head felt like it was filled with static.

How far will this go?

The horns, the growths on my back- is this just the start?

Are these even scars, really? Or is this the corruption all over again, with whatever’s left in me of Pollux’s power?

...is he going through this too?

I hope not

I don’t want him to

...his gaze wandered over to Pollux again. Cat Steven was curled up next to his ‘nest’, her quiet purring mixing with the static-like humming of the gemstone.

Humming that was getting louder.

And louder.

Castor closed his eyes to block out the extra stimulus, but just the noise was too much. He groaned quietly, rubbing at his temples, and-

No-one else could hear it. They were all talking amicably amongst themselves, oblivious to the rising din that only Castor could hear.

...he’d heard this sound before. Never this loudly, but…

Castor stood up suddenly, ignoring the scrape of his chair against the wood, ignoring the concerned cries from his family. With determined but unsteady steps he made his way to the counter, grabbing the pink Diamond gemstone in his arms, scooping up some of the sweatshirts it was bundled in.

Keep him safe

No other thought passed through Castor’s mind as he stumbled his way up the stairs, holding Pollux tightly in one arm, the other held against the wall for balance.

I’ve got to keep him safe

Castor shut the door behind him, locking it tightly and twisting the doorknob into scrap, before shoving his dresser in front of it.

It wasn’t until he was sat huddled on his bed, holding Pollux’s gemstone in his lap, that his brain finally caught up with him. Castor blinked, staring down at the reflective pink facets. “That was… _weird._ ”

The gemstone, of course, did not reply.

The humming was just as loud, still, but without the other sounds fighting for attention, it wasn’t overwhelming- rather, it was almost peaceful.

The static humm mixed with the crashing waves outside, the cries of the gulls. Castor’s phone buzzed with notifications.

**dad**  
[] Castor? are you okay??

**Strawberry**  
[] everyone’s really worried about you

**am a fist**  
[] cass? dude???  
[] wtf was that

**Mr Clean**  
[] Are you alright?  
[] Is something wrong with Pollux?

**Strawberry**  
[] please  
[] we want to help you

Castor closed his eyes, and let the scream of static wash through his thoughts.

When he opened them, all he saw was light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .̸.̴/̷V̴+̸ = “ _mendarae_ ”. Liar, trickster, silver-tongued, storyteller, actor. Neutral to positive connotations, depending on how it’s used. Not really an insult, simply a trait.
> 
> I̸L̶/̶^̷.̷.̵ = “ _ceter animare_ ”. Literal translation would be ‘remaining self’ or ‘other half-soul’; closest equivalent would be ‘lover’, but without any romantic connotations- someone who completes you. Often used as a term of endearment
> 
> Mourning_gories, aka misslizabean, aka Bean, has been added as a co-author for logistical purposes- though she has greatly contributed to this story, both with her own ideas, and by acting as a sounding board!


	50. All Of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything that i am  
> everything that we are  
> what is it worth?  
> to me, to us  
> i am everything  
> you are everything  
> we are everything  
> i am

Castor closed his eyes, and let the scream of static wash through his thoughts.

When he opened them, all he saw was light.

It filled the room at first, before retracting into a shape he didn’t recognize- bigger than Pink Diamond, but not as big as Yellow or Blue, with a horned crown and a trailing cape, curled up as to fit into the room. Terrified, Castor backed up, staring, until the shape shifted again.

Pink’s limbs were thin and gangly, moving briefly so ‘she’ could properly fit. The light shifted again, and the silhouette of Rose Diamond stood at the foot of his bed. Then-

then

_~~There is a crater where the ground once was, but he doesn’t fall, doesn’t falter. But everyone else does. That’s the first lesson he learns, on his own- he is power. He is power, contained in the image of a child.~~ _

The light was in the shape of a child, and yet the power of a Diamond was unmistakable. Even as the shape filled out into that of a young adult, the energy, the aura, remained, and

and he glitched, shuddered, jittering like an old film, and

the gemstone hung in the air with a tension that filled the air, with such a pressure that Castor couldn’t breath, until

**it grew**

with a light that was writhing and reeling and twisting in geometric forms that weren’t quite alive, trying, trying, wanting to fill out the shadow of a monster, and

the light retracted, and Pollux hung in the air, his eyes open but unseeing. He fell like a puppet with its strings cut, landing on his knees and falling to his side.

Castor leapt off the bed, moving to his brother’s side. “Pollux? Can- can you hear me?”

“ _Not her, I’m not her, I’m not her. That isn’t me. That isn’t me. I’m not her._ ” Pollux’s words were nonsensical, disjointed, spoken with a mad intensity.

“I know,” Castor told him soothingly. “I know you aren’t. I’m here, okay? I’m right here.”

Pollux’s eyes finally moved with a spark of awareness, flitting up to meet Castor’s. “I- I’m not her,” he repeated.

“I know. I know.” Castor held Pollux’s hand tightly in his own. “You’re here now, Pollux. _I’m_ here now.” Pollux gave a tearless sob, white claws curling around Castor’s palm. “What… what _happened?_ ”

“I… there was- something, something wrong, there was- _error resolved, new files integrated to backlogs-_ I saw her, I saw her, I- _file subset: [m:reboot.4] not found, acceptable error-_ ”

“I don’t understand-”

“ _File subset: [cerise_thorns] integrated to backlogs, can-_ I can’t-” Pollux’s body shook with a silent cry, his claws never quite breaking Castor’s skin. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t- I don’t remember.”

Castor frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t remember what happened,” whispered Pollux. “I- it was important, I know it was, but, I can’t remember.”

“...you don’t have to,” Castor told him. “C’mon. Sit next to me, yeah?” Pollux hummed, pushing himself up awkwardly, eventually sitting next to Castor against the side of Steven’s bed, his head resting on his brother’s shoulders.

“I saw Rose,” said Pollux quietly, distantly. “Or… the memory of her. The memory of being her. I remember that.” He smiled. “She was playing “Elanor Rigby”. I ended up yelling at her. Not because of the song, though.”

Castor didn’t know what to think of that, not just yet. “What was she like?”

“...me. She was a lot like me.”

Castor _definitely_ didn’t know what to think of that.

“And- and I saw… I don’t know what to call it. The monster. _Our_ monster. It wasn’t angry. Just scared.” Pollux frowned. “I don’t… I can’t remember anything else.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know. I want to.”

The sun was starting to rise outside. Castor watched the reflections on the waves, and waited for the inevitable. But it didn’t come. “...kind of, uh, poetic, yeah?” he offered. “Sunrise and all that. Dawn of a new day.”

“Mm.”

Castor frowned. “Pollux…”

“ _You weren’t supposed to be corrupted too,_ ” whispered Pollux.

“What?”

Pollux looked up at him, and Castor finally saw it. Saw the crystalline horns growing from his forehead, saw the curled tusks on the sides of his jaw, the pearlescent scales that dotted the sides of his neck. “I just thought- if it was just _me,_ it would be okay, but- but it’s not, is it? It’s both of us.”

“...yeah. It is.”

Castor stared down at his hands, yet untouched by the scars. “I, uh… I told them about it. Just Connie and Lars at first, but… Connie helped me tell the others.” Pollux looked up in surprise.

“How did they take it?”

“Better than I expected, actually.” Pollux hummed in affirmation, squeezing Castor’s hand tight.

“Do you think the scars will be there when we fuse?”

Castor huffed. “Oh, I’m sure.”

“Don’t be pessimistic, Castor.”

“I’m not being pessimistic, I’m extrapolating from past experiences.”

“Exactly, you’re being pessimistic.” Castor laughed, and a tiny smile spread across Pollux’s face.

“I missed you.” Castor leant his head against Pollux’s shoulder. “I realized that I didn’t just miss being Steven, either. I like being like this, sometimes.”

“Forsterite did say she was working on a better version of the power store,” Pollux noted. “Maybe we can find a way to unfuse without, ah…”

“Without it being a whole thing?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

“...I really don’t want to try and dance right now,” mused Castor. “I’m probably gonna fall over and break my butt or something.”

“I’m going to assume you mean your coccyx, as there isn’t anything else in your butt to break.”

“That is _not_ a real word.”

“It’s the scientific name for the tailbone.”

“That’s so dumb.” Pollux laughed at Castor’s blunt answer, holding his hand tight.

“Even more dumb than breaking your butt?”

“Yeah, totally.” Castor soon broke into laughter as well, and it wasn’t long before Pollux gave up any pretence of indignance and instead threw his arms around Castor’s shoulders, throwing him completely off balance.

The two of them tumbled onto the ground as the light of Pollux’s gem surrounded them, and their songs became one. Steven lay on the ground of his bedroom, the sun’s rays streaming into the room and cascading through the facets embedded in his stomach, still giggling all the while.

_Now look what you’ve done, you almost broke our butt_

Steven’s eyes shot open, his laughter hitching into a gasp. “You’re… you’re still there,” he whispered, propping himself up on both hands. He could feel the similar realizations within his mind as his two halves realized their own presence. “That doesn’t make sense- I’m still here, but-”

“Who cares?” laughed Castor. “We’re still-” Steven’s hand hit his mouth hard, a reaction to the feeling of his body being used by someone that wasn’t (quite) him.

“We’re not doing that,” Steven muttered. “That- that felt weird. Bad weird.”

_We can still talk like this, though, yeah?_

“...I’m not- I’m not about to split again, right?”

_I don’t think so_

_I think this is just kind of… I dunno. This feels right._

Steven sighed. “Didn’t- didn’t Crazy Lace say something about this? That this was okay for us?” Pollux gave an affirming hum, and the memory played in their head.

_“I’m not trying to say you should or shouldn’t be a certain way, just, **observing,** yeah? You obviously are distinct, even if you’re sharing a form, both from each other and from your fusion.”_

_“ Yeah, but… we shouldn’t be there, when Steven is, right?”_

_“...if he were **anyone** else, I’d say, no, not really. But I honestly don’t think that that’s true here. I think that he’s existed as a sort of, gestalt entity, for **far** too long for it to be advisable that he exist as a singular one. In a way, the fact that you two can still exist while he does- to be both individuals **and** components- is **pretty** impressive.”_

“...could we _always_ do that?”

 _I think that’s new,_ noted Castor.

 _...I figured some stuff out, while I was reforming,_ admitted Pollux awkwardly. _I can stop though-_

“No, no, that’s really useful,” Steven assured him. “I’ve always had kind of a bad memory, maybe you can kind of, like, remember things for me?”

_...I would like that_

Steven laughed. “Gosh, this is weird… but like, a good weird, I guess?” He moved one hand to run it through his hair, but found it stopped by a bony growth on his forehead. “Oh. Right. There’s still that…”

Deciding he couldn’t be bothered to actually get up to look in the mirror, Steven felt the outline of the horns with his hand. They were barely longer than Castor’s had been, but curved into an ‘S’ shape, and…

_Wait a second_

He looked down at his hands, not seeing anything odd about them.

Except for the fact that he was still propping himself up with his hands. And he was _also_ holding his hands out in front of him.

Steven sat himself fully upright, moving the hands he’d been holding himself up with in front of him.

Four.

He was looking at _four_ hands.

_Oh dear_

_EXCUSE ME WHAT THE FUCK_

Steven threw off his jacket and top in a panic, scrambling to look in the mirror. His right eye was still blurry, looking bloodshot in his reflection, and there were the beginnings of tusks situated just below and to the sides of his mouth.

But more importantly, there was another set of shoulders just below his normal arms, like they had been grafted on. They moved just fine though, each one with just as much flexibility and motor function as Steven’s other arms did.

It didn’t even make any sense. Wasn’t he supposed to have some kind of, y’know, functional anatomy? But… he could feel the new muscles under a layer of fat, could feel the bones and joints…

_...did **we** do this?_

_I mean- fusions tend to look less and less like standard Gems the more unstable they are, right?_

“But… we- we’re not unstable… are we?”

_...I don’t know_

_I don’t want this_

Steven looked down at himself, at his gem, at his arms. “...maybe… maybe it’s because of the corruption?”

_Then why don’t **we** have them as well?_

Steven didn’t have an answer for that. So instead he simply put his shirt back on, and-

“...I was wearing my jacket. How was I wearing my jacket before?”

_Didn’t Pollux reform wearing one?_

Pollux gave a mental shrug. _It was comfy._

_But then you took it off, so…_

_Oh! Oh! Garnet’s glasses!_

Rather than trying to explain with words, Castor recalled images of Garnet removing her glasses and having them dissipate into sparks, then summoning them back when she needed them again. “Can we even do that?”

_**I** can, I think_

_But, um, I’d have to show you_

“...yeah. Okay. I mean- you’re still part of me, right? But, um- just for a second.” Pollux replied with a feeling of affirmation, and Steven felt and watched his upper arms move towards his shoulders, mimicking the motion of pulling on his jacket, and-

The warm fabric appeared around him, molding itself perfectly to his altered form. Steven realized then that the shirt Castor had been wearing, which had been transferred over to him, was also fitted for the extra arms. “...are we gonna have to unfuse every time we want to wear something different?”

_...Pearl knows how to sew_

“Mm… fine. Only if she’s okay with it, though.” Steven sighed, putting one pair of hands in his jacket pockets and the other pair in his pants pockets. He glanced over at the door, frowning. Awkwardly, Castor recalled the memory of his reaction just before Pollux had reformed.

_I’m sorry! I don’t really know why I did that!_

“...we’re gonna have to tell the others, eventually, aren’t we?”

_...we can text Connie first_

_After we un-break the door, that is_

_Don’t you mean ‘fix’?_

_That door is beyond fixing, Castor_

* * *

**berry knight**  
[] everyone’s really worried about you  
[] please  
[] we want to help you  
[] you know that, right?

[8:03 AM]  
 **biscuit boy(s)**  
[] the door’s unlocked now

 **berry knight**  
[] Castor!? what’s goign on???  
[] *going

 **biscuit boy(s)**  
[] please  
[] just you  
[] i can’t  
[] just you

 **berry knight**  
[] ...Steven????

[ **biscuit boy(s)** is now afk]

 **berry knight**  
[] STEVEN

* * *

It was only a few moments before Steven heard the creak of the door opening- and since the sounds of the others’ gems were faint, it had to be Connie.

“...Schtu-ball? You in there?”

Or perhaps not.

Steven curled himself into an even tighter ball, sitting between the bed and the far wall. He didn’t want his dad to see him like this- he didn’t want _anyone_ to see him, really, but…

_They’ll have to know eventually_

“I know, I know…”

“Steven?”

_WAIT SHIT HE CAN HEAR YOU_

Steven sighed. “...yeah. I’m- I’m here.” He heard Greg sigh with relief as he rushed over.

“Oh jeez, I was so worried that-” Steven didn’t bother looking up. The strangled gasp that cut off his dad’s words was enough. “Wh- what…” Steven squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to dig his claws into his palms. “...I- does that… does that hurt?”

Steven looked up, pulled out of his panic by surprise. Greg’s expression was one of concern, not of fear or disgust, just concern. “Um… n- no. It- it doesn’t hurt.” Greg nodded, some of his anxiety apparently relieved.

“Can, uh… can I sit with you?” he asked nervously, and Steven nodded, then moved over to make room. “...what happened?”

Steven gave a slow, drawn-out sigh. “Pollux reformed with corruption scars too,” he began, not looking up to meet Greg’s eyes. “And when we fused, I, um…” He looked down at his too many hands, frowning. “I don’t know if it’s because of the corruption, or- or if… if it’s ‘cause we’re a fusion. It- it’s not painful. But I don’t… I don’t want this.”

Greg leant back against the frame of the bed, staring ahead. “...do you think it’s permanent?” Steven just gave a silent shrug. “Oh.” He paused. “Are- are you okay, though? Did everything go okay with Pollux?”

Steven nodded. “It was, um- kind of like the Gem version of a really inconvenient software update, sort of. He’s okay. We’re okay.”

“...can I give you a hug now?” Steven looked over at his dad in confusion. “Uh, you’ve kind of been iffy about people touching you, so…”

Steven smiled. “Yeah. I’d like that.” Greg met his smile and leaned over, holding him close. He laughed.

“Hey, there’s a bright side for you- you give fantastic hugs!”

Steven just cackled. “Yeah, at the expense of needing to alter literally all of my shirts.”

“Eh, details.”

They pulled away, with Steven still grinning, bubbling with laughter. “Thank you for not freaking out.”

“Hey, I know this is really hard on you, yeah? I don’t want to make it harder.” Greg ruffled Steven’s hair up, completely skewing his headband. Steven took it off and tried to put it back in place, but ran into the mild issue of having horns in the way, so he placed it atop the bed, where it promptly dissolved into sparks. Groaning, he held his face in his hands. “Uh… you alright?”

Steven sighed. “Okay, so, you know how Garnet can make her glasses like, appear and disappear? Apparently some of the stuff Pollux reformed with- specifically my jacket and my headband- do the same thing, which is, neat? I guess? But like… now my headband is gone. And I don’t know how to get it back.”

_I can show you again_

“Yeah, yeah, I know, just, later,” replied Steven, waving Pollux off, before freezing. “Wait.”

Greg sighed, more with amusement than annoyance. “Anything else you should mention?”

“...I can still hear Castor and Pollux in my head. Which I technically shouldn’t be able to do? But that’s kind of been the case for forever. I just didn’t realize they were actually two different people, and not just my own thoughts, though they are _kind of_ also that.”

“...huh.”

“Yeah.” Steven scratched at the skin around his horns. “I don’t really know how to talk to them without, well, talking? And I kind of forget you can hear me too…”

“Can they hear me?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I mean- they are still me, I guess? Like- anything I see or hear or whatever, they’re seeing it too.” Steven frowned. “I’m sorry. I know it’s weird. I can, um, I can just-”

“It’s okay! I-” Greg hesitated, thinking. “It’s new for me, and, it seems like a lot of this is new for you, too. You’re still my son. Nothing’s going to change that, okay?” Steven nodded, his eyes shining.

“Even if I kind of sound like I’m crazy?”

“Hey, I mean- I talk to myself all the time, at least you have a decent excuse for it,” said Greg. “Can, uh… can they still talk to me? Or is it just a one way thing?”

Steven grimaced. “I- I mean- I can let them, if I want to, but… i- if you want to ask them something, you can just ask me, yeah? It- it’d probably be easier that way.” Greg nodded thoughtfully.

“Are you ready to go downstairs just yet?”

“...can you tell the others what to expect, or something? I- I don’t want to scare them. And… I don’t want to see them afraid of me.”

“Yeah. I’ll, uh, give you a sec to talk amongst yourself, yeah?” Greg gave a wry grin as Steven rolled his eyes half-heartedly.

Greg was only just out the door when Pollux piped up.

_That went well_

Castor gave a silent, muffled scream. _It might’ve gone better if you hadn’t kept trying to talk!_

_Oh_

_Sorry_

“It’s better to just get it all out in the open now, right?” mused Steven, propping his head up on his arms as one of his left hands fiddled with his jacket. “But… yeah. Even with people knowing about you guys, it’s gonna be hard to try and talk to you when I’m talking with someone else, too.”

_Can you not just think what you want to say?_

_It seems to work well enough for us_

Steven hummed. “I guess…” He closed his eyes, focusing.

**_DOES THIS WORK_ **

_Too loud! Very much too loud!_

_Maybe don’t focus as hard? Just sort of… do it_

_Yeah, okay, thanks, that’s helpful._

_…_

_...wait a second-_

Steven sighed, placing his hands over his face again. _Can I just talk out loud when we’re alone? This feels kind of weird still. It makes it feel like you’re not really there, I guess._

_...only on the condition that we can speak aloud as well _

_But-!_

_ We are both two halves of a whole, **and** our own individuals. You are our agreement, our… our conversation _

_ I mean, we’re not asking a lot, yeah? I know it feels weird, but… _

_ We want to be able to talk to you too _

Steven felt his cheeks grow warm. “I keep forgetting I’m such a sap.” He felt a push, a request for permission, and this time, he granted it, and Castor smiled.

Steven closed his eyes, and breathed deeply, before standing once again and heading towards the door.

“...do you not want me to resummon our headband, or…?”

Steven turned back around to stand in front of the vanity.

“Ah.” Pollux took control once again, running their hands through their hair as if to smooth it out, and the headband appeared in its place. “ _Now_ we can go, I think.”

Steven put his hand on the hole where the doorknob had been, biting his lip. He just had to open the door, and walk downstairs. No big deal. No difficulty there. Just… open the door.

Just open the door.

Castor sighed. “I’ll just do it for you-”

“No!” Steven snatched his hand back, stumbling slightly. “N- no. It’s- I should be able to do this.”

“...you don’t have to, though.”

“I should be _able_ to.”

“...okay. But the longer we take, the more they’re gonna worry, and the weirder it’s gonna be.”

Steven groaned, sitting down on his bed, two hands wrapped around himself and the other two clutching at his hair. “I know! I know, I know, I know, I- I- it’s just, a lot, all at once? But, I-”

“They know that. This is difficult for them, too.”

“We shouldn’t make things worse for them, right?”

“...yeah. Yeah. I’ve- we’ve got this.” Steven paused. “But I really would like you guys to be quiet for a bit so I don’t sound like I’m talking to myself.”

_That’s fair_

Steven took a deep breath, and opened the door.

  
Pearl was the first to see him, her slight gasp and staring eyes halting the conversation that had been going on. For a heartbeat, the room was silent, though Steven could still hear his heart pounding. Greg couldn’t even look at him. Amethyst looked confused, almost- almost _disgusted,_ he was sure of it, and-

Connie.

She met Steven at the foot of the stairs, her eyes only briefly glancing over his altered form. “Steven…”

“I’m sorry,” he told her, almost choking on his words, unable to meet her gaze. “I- I didn’t mean for this to happen, I, I’m still not sure _why_ it-”

“I’m going to hug you now.”

“Wha-?”

Connie threw her arms around Steven only a few moments after her warning, burying her face in his shoulder. “I missed you so much,” she half-whispered into his jacket.

“I know,” Steven told her as he hugged her back. “I, uh- I missed me too.” He considered hugging her with the extra arms, but… no, that would be weird, and-

“Hug me like you mean it, idiot,” said Connie, almost laughing. “You do _not_ get to half-ass this right now.” Steven didn’t bother fighting back the giggles that rose from his chest as he wrapped all four arms around her, holding her close to him, holding her gently.

Steven saw Amethyst staring at him as he pulled away from Connie. She narrowed her eyes, humming thoughtfully. “Um… A- Amethyst? What’s-”

“Y’know what? I’m counting this as an improvement,” she said decidedly. Steven stared at her, and she sighed, rolling her eyes. “Dude! I’m trying to lighten the mood here!” She punched him lightly in the side, grinning. “I mean, seriously, you do look cool as hell.”

Steven felt his face grow warm. “Oh. Um. Thanks? I think?”

“Are you-” Pearl began, then stopped herself. “Well, no, I suppose that’s a rather silly question… ah, did- did anything happen? Did Pollux remember anything from when he was dormant?”

_~~“ But let’s not worry about that- because, we’re just, so, **amazing!** And, and **fascinating!** And everything is good and bright and happy in Rose Quartz’s little world, where nothing has consequences! Oh, they do? Better just fucking die then! I’m sure **that** won’t result in **lifelong trauma** for anyone!”~~ _

“No, not really,” Steven lied. “It’s sort of just… bits and pieces. Like trying to remember a dream, I guess.”

Pearl nodded. “That’s probably for the best, really- trying to view one’s own mind can result in some… _bizarre_ imagery, to say the least.”

“Eh, who cares!” said Amethyst flippantly, bounding over to the kitchen counter. “Steven’s back! ‘s time to fucking _par-tay!_ ” Pearl sighed as Amethyst grabbed a pair of metal pans for the sole purpose of slamming them together loudly. Steven barely managed to cover his ears in time, wincing at the noise.

“Uh, maybe let’s ‘par-tay’ a bit quieter, yeah?” suggested Greg, noticing Steven’s discomfort. “It’s still not a good idea to overwork him, I think.” Amethyst rolled her eyes, but still put the pans away quietly.

“Thank you,” muttered Steven quietly once he and Greg were both standing side-by-side. “Not- not just for that, um… thank for- for everything. For… for staying with… us.”

Greg smiled at him, putting an arm around his shoulder. “Hey, what’re dads for, anyways? You, uh- you gonna tell them about, uh…”

“Not yet. I… I don’t wanna dump everything on them all at once.”

Greg nodded. “Well, if you need any help, just ask, yeah? I’m not going anywhere.”

Steven couldn’t help but grin. “I know, Dad,” he replied, leaning into a sideways hug. “I know.”

* * *

After a bit of brainstorming between the five of them, Connie proposed a pizza lunch and a movie, which was unanimously agreed upon. The TV was still in Steven’s room, but he’d kept it stored away in his side closet when it wasn’t being used. He explained awkwardly what had happened with Peridot, about the revelation that he could project his dreams. As such, he’d made sure to keep any electronics in his room powered off when he fell asleep.

Connie was the only one that seemed unsurprised by this, and Pollux explained by way of pulling up the memory from Peridot’s lair, of his powers affecting the screens. Steven couldn’t help but shudder at the image of endless staring eyes reflected in the dark. Amethyst pulled him out quickly enough, though, with her decision as to which movie to watch.

““Return to the Hereafter”? Isn’t that from, like, forty years ago?” asked Connie, much to Greg’s disdain.

“It’s a classic! I’m honestly surprised you haven’t seen it already, Amethyst.”

“Eh, I might’ve?” said Amethyst with a shrug. “Uh, I think I saw it when I came out, pretty sure my girlfriend at the time dragged me along.”

“Was that the one with the dyed hair?” mused Pearl.

“Nah, that was like, waaay earlier, this was the one with the tattoos,” correct Amethyst as she made her way over to the kitchen to join Pearl in making popcorn. “Yo, Ste-man, you want the white cheddar shit or no? ‘cause if not I’m taking it all.”

“Oh, that actually sounds pretty good.” Steven had already sat himself up against the foot of the couch, with Connie at his side. He had his knees pulled up to his chest, two arms resting atop, two arms at his side.

“I’m just gonna let you deal with the remote, actually,” said Connie, staring at the aforementioned object like it had personally insulted her. Steven just laughed, accepting it from her and getting them to the main screen of the movie. He then paused, realizing that Connie was staring intently at him.

“Uh…”

“Oh! Sorry, I…” She rubbed awkwardly at her arm. “I was just curious if you still had the same level of fine motor control for the extra arms, and if stuff like muscle memory… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be-”

“It’s okay!” Steven assured her, trying not to laugh. “Honestly, I… I guess, the fact that you think it’s interesting makes it a bit more… I dunno. Normal, I guess? Easier to not freak out about.” He shifted position so that his upper elbows sat propped up on the couch cushions as he looked at his lower hands. “It… it doesn’t feel like I’m having to learn how to do anything. It just comes naturally, I guess. Though, uh, I’m not entirely sure if that’s a good thing or not? But… it’s a pretty good sign this isn’t something _temporary,_ at least.”

“Do you wish it was?”

“Yes.” Steven took no time at all in answering. “I wish I could just forget about all this. But I can’t. And… I’m gonna have to deal with that.”

“I know. But we’re all here to help you. _I’m_ here to help you.” Connie’s hand curled it’s way around Steven’s, rough calluses and old scars against blunted claws and soft skin.

Steven was about to reply, when there was a knock at the door- their food had arrived. He sighed, and, before processing his actions in the slightest, he stood up to let the pizza courier in, and-

_wait_

_ah shit_

Kiki Pizza stood at the door, boxes ready to slip out of her hands as she stared with her eyes wide and mouth agape.

Steven greeted her with a simple and polite “Uhhh…”

The pizza boxes fell to the wood of the porch as Kiki managed a whispered “ _Oh my god you’re not dead_ ”

“Excuse me, _what-_ ”


	51. Lonely People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of fusion experiments are currently kept in bubbles on Homeworld, where various scientists are trying to find a way to help them.  
> It's the best we can do for them, for now.  
> They can't hurt anyone this way.  
>  _They_ aren't hurting.  
> It's the best thing for everyone.  
>  ~~ _they're monsters_~~

The pizza boxes fell to the wood of the porch as Kiki managed a whispered “ _Oh my god you’re not dead_ ”

“Excuse me, _what-_ ”

“Everyone’s been freaking out!” yelled Kiki, throwing her hands up in frustration. “I mean, okay, we knew you weren’t actually _dead,_ but I mean, it’s like you just _vanished!_ We were all really worried, Steven!”

“I- people were worried about me?” parroted Steven awkwardly, stepping back slightly.

“Well, yeah! I-” Kiki paused and grimaced as she realized she’d dropped her delivery order. “Oh, jeez, I totally forgot why I even showed up here,” she muttered to herself, handing them off to Steven. “But like… seriously, you’d been acting really out of it for a while, and then someone said you ran away, someone else said you were on the Gem Homeworld- then there’s this massive corrupted Gem, and you’re nowhere to be seen, so like…” Kiki rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly. “Well, no-one had any proof, but it wasn’t hard to put two and two together, and, uh…” She gestured vaguely towards him. “...yeah.”

“We did not think this through, did we?” moaned Amethyst from the kitchen, planting her face on the counter.

“No. No, we did not,” agreed Greg.

“Is everyone okay?” asked Steven worriedly. “After, um… after I…”

“Nobody got badly hurt,” Kiki assured him. “Daddy said he was gonna bill you for the damage to the shop windows, but I’m pretty sure that was an empty threat.”

“You said no-one got _badly_ hurt-”

“I just mean some people got bumps and bruises and stuff, yeah? Jenny got her elbow scraped up helpin’ with cleanup but that’s just ‘cause she was messin’ around instead of _actually working,_ ” said Kiki with a roll of her eyes. “But like- I mean, I’m not gonna be pushy or anything, but a lotta people wanna know if you’re alright, y’know?”

“...I’m still not really sure if I’m alright,” admitted Steven. “But, um… I’ll think about it.”

Kiki smiled at that. “Hey, uh- it alright if I tell Jenny and her friends about, uh…?” She gestured vaguely towards Steven again. “Like, I’m gonna warn you, there’s no way she’s not gonna tell _everyone,_ but… ‘s better than thinking you’re dead or something.”

_I don’t want anyone to know about this…_

_But they’re going to eventually anyways. Most of them already do know, at least about the corruption._

_Yeah. This way they won’t be as worried, right?_

_They’ll find out through Hazel’s announcement. They can wait until then._

Steven frowned. “You can tell them I’m okay, but… I don’t want anyone spreading rumors, I guess.”

Kiki nodded. “Fair enough. Hey, don’t be a stranger, yeah? I’ll see ya!” She waved goodbye as she said this, jogging down the wooden stairs.

“Y- yeah. I’ll… I’ll see you.”

Steven didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath until he let it out once Kiki was gone, moaning as he slumped over on the cushioned bench next to the door, curling up into a ball. Amethyst bounced over to him, grimacing, but giving him his space. “I’m so sorry, man, I totally messed that one up,” she told him, trying not to play with the strands of her hair.

“I’m okay, I just- I wasn’t expecting that,” muttered Steven, propping himself up against the window but still keeping his arms wrapped around his legs. “Um, having to talk to someone, I mean.”

“Wait, hasn’t Jasper been watching the Temple, though?” asked Connie. “Or is she still having an existential crisis after meeting Castor...”

“She must be, if she didn’t stop Kiki from getting here,” noted Greg. Steven just groaned, burying his head.

“Kind of wish she had,” he said, barely audible.

“Hey, I mean, look on the bright side, yeah?” said Amethyst, lightly pulling at Steven’s arm to get him off the bench. “At least we got pizza now!”

“...yeah. Alright.”

* * *

Steven tried to stay focused on the movie. Really, he did _try._

But that didn’t change the fact that it was barely fifteen minutes before his focus started coming and going, and another fifteen before the movie was little more than white noise to him. The food was the only reason he managed to pay attention for even that long, if he was being honest with himself.

He was tired. _Stars,_ he was tired.

Castor hadn’t slept at all since they’d been split, and Pollux could only process a small fraction of the light energy he normally could when he’d been dissipated. But he really, _really_ didn’t want to fall asleep just yet, not when his family- _his family,_ that was still so amazing to him- had gone to all this trouble to cheer him up.

He shouldn’t let them down. He shouldn’t… shouldn’t…

“Steven?”

Steven jolted into wakefulness, the back of his head thudding into the couch. “I’m not sleeping!”

Connie sighed in beleaguered amusement. “Sure, _now_ you’re not.”

He blinked rapidly, processing. “Oh, jeez, I’m sorry,” he said awkwardly. “I- I didn’t realize I was that tired…”

Pearl frowned at him. “How many hours of sleep did Castor get last night?”

“...zero…?”

Pearl sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I really don’t know what you expected, then.”

“She’s right, buddy,” said Greg as he paused the movie. “You should at least try and take a nap. You’re doing a _lot_ better, but you’ve still gotta take it easy.”

Steven sighed. “Yeah. Alright. You, uh- you guys can keep watching the movie without me, though, I can watch it again some other time.”

“You sure?” asked Greg as Steven headed towards the stairs.

“Yeah, Dad, you go on ahead,” said Steven, waving him off before heading into his room and shutting the door.

He let out a long, long sigh, leaning against the door, which he belatedly noticed still had gouges in it from Castor’s… meltdown? Breakdown? Whatever.

Not wanting to sleep in clothing that had buttons and the like, Steven changed into his pyjama pants, foregoing the shirt due to, ah, technical difficulties. Running his hands through his hair, he looked over at himself in the mirror.

Steven… still looked like himself. He knew that he would, rationally, but it still came as a surprise, in a way. In some ways he kept expecting to see the image of a monster reflected back at him. Or, well- a literal monster.

Why? Why were they doing this for him? Why were they being so forgiving so quickly? Did they not understand what he’d done?

He’d _killed_ someone. He’d hurt people, either directly or indirectly. He’d been a monster far before the corruption had begun, and now it wasn’t letting him go, wasn’t letting him move on and forget. Horns and markings were one thing, but his whole body structure had been changed, if only to remind him he wasn’t _good enough._

“We don’t know that it’s because of the corruption,” said Pollux, ever so quietly. Steven just shrugged.

“Does it matter?”

“...no. I suppose not.”

He wanted to look in the mirror and think of other fusions, to think of Opal or Sardonyx or Sunstone, but all Steven could think of was…

No. No. He wasn’t like them. They weren’t- they had been _forced_ together, they didn’t have a _choice,_ they-

_...but you didn’t either, did you?_

His two halves were silent, uncertain.

Steven’s claws ghosted over the facets of his gemstone, staring at it in the mirror. _So what’s the difference between us and them?_

No part of him had an answer.

Steven sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, before shutting the lights off. His bed swallowed him up like a storm, and he drowned in dreams.

* * *

He’s in the hospital again. Not the Medical Centre, but the hospital he’d snuck into with Connie. He’s wearing a medical gown, though, and there’s a tag on his wrist, but he can’t read it.

He’s in a hospital room, strapped down to the bed. Why is he-?

Dr Maheswaran comes in, talking to someone on her phone, and he grins. She’ll be able to help! She can tell him what’s going on, and maybe get him out of here! But she’s only focused on her conversation.

“Where did you say you found them?” she asks, frowning. “The side of the road? I'm not sure just yet, I haven't had a look for myself.”

“Dr Maheswaran? What’s going on?” There’s a rasping quality to his voice, like he’s spent hours ~~roaring~~ yelling. Dr Maheswaran ignores him, instead pulling back the sheets on his bed so she can look at him. Her eyes go wide in confusion and horror, and Steven looks down at himself. He can’t see anything wrong with himself, he looks how he should, with his too many arms, yet Dr Maheswaran looks almost terrified. “Dr- Dr Maheswaran…?” He struggles against his bindings, trying to sit up.

“Wh- It doesn't look like a car accident,” she tells the person on the phone. “You didn't find an ID?”

Steven laughs nervously, and the rasp of his song only grows. “Dr Maheswaran, you know me- I’m Steven! Connie’s friend?” But Dr Maheswaran doesn’t hear him, or if she does, she makes no indication of it. She sighs, placing the blanket back over his body.

“Listen, I'll call you back when, or if I have an answer for you,” she informs the person tersely. “Goodbye.” She hangs up by flipping her phone closed and stuffing it into her pocket, before grabbing her stethoscope. “Okay now, let’s see here…” She places the metal on Steven’s chest, making him shiver against the cold. “No heartbeat…” She frowns, grabbing the stethoscope away. “Ugh, cheap hospital budgets.”

Steven watched as she left his side, throwing the stethoscope in the trash before exiting the room. Why didn’t she recognize him? Is she mad at him? Why couldn’t she find his heartbeat?

He struggles against his bindings, wearing them out, before finally worming his way off of the bed, wobbling a moment before finding his balance. Quietly, he makes his way into the halls, his careful footsteps still echoing, the floor freezing cold against his feet. He keeps two hands against the wall as he goes to try and keep his balance. The hospital is silent.

There’s someone crying.

Steven moves quickly through the hallways, and it’s like his feet aren’t even touching the ground.

He’s in a different corridor now, and the crying is coming from inside a storage closet, probably filled with cleaning supplies. A sliver of light illuminates the face of the crying figure.

Steven, at the age he was when he came to this hospital, is alone, hiding, sobbing. The ‘real’ Steven reaches a hand towards the child, wanting to comfort him, and the child jerks back with a gasp. “Get- get away from me!”

Steven frowns. “What’s wrong?” he asks of himself, but the child just buries himself further into the shadows.

“You’re- you’re one of those- those _things!_ ” the child insists, and Steven looks down at himself again. He sees nothing wrong.

He sees nothing wrong, until he does.

He is not himself, he is one of the creatures, with six arms and a body like patchwork. When he’d moved down the corridors, his feet _hadn’t_ touched the ground- and, no wonder Dr Maheswaran couldn’t recognize him!

He tries and tries and tries and tries and tries and finally his body glows with a familiar light as he finally shifts back to himself, and it’s now that he tries to comfort the child again. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he insists, holding his hand out. A single eye is visible in the light, beading with tears.

“Yes you are!” the child insists. “You’re gonna try and kill me just like everyone else has!”

“I won’t,” Steven tells himself. The child peers at him thoughtfully, before reaching out and taking his hand. Another hand grasps at the doorframe, but it doesn’t match the one that Steven holds. He frowns, uncertain.

Three more hands reach out, and the door opens, and

The child’s body is a collage of limbs and flesh, the right side of his mouth stretched over a frame of teeth, with eyes dotting what might be a skull, each of them a different color, each of them staring in fear. One shoulder splits off into four different arms, each a different length. The other has only a single arm, long and thin and gangly. Patches of his body are his own, including one leg, but that too splits off at the knee to connect to a leg with no foot, trailing off behind him. The other leg has a knee and an ankle and a foot but they’re all the wrong sizes, the wrong places, only barely able to support the child’s weight.

He wears the remnants of jeans and a red shirt, and his gemstone is visible through the rips and tears. It’s been shattered and broken time and again, the gaps between facets filled in with shards.

Steven can only stare as he backs up against the far wall, heart pounding in his ears. The child looks back at him, frightened, saddened, disappointed.

“I told you,” he says softly. There’s a thudding coming from down the hallway- the footsteps of something else. Steven tries to speak, but he can’t, so the child does instead. “You asked what the difference was.”

The thudding is getting louder.

“There isn’t one, Steven.”

The thudding is getting louder.

“Steven.”

The thudding is getting louder.

“Wake up, Steven.”

The thudding is-

* * *

Steven woke up with a gasp, sitting upright in his bed as he felt sweat drip down his neck. He threw off his covers in a panic, running a thumb over his gemstone to be certain he was still intact. Once he’d done that, he fell back against the pillows with a huff, breathing heavily.

“Just a dream,” he muttered to himself. “Just a dream.”

_Thud_

“...huh?”

The thudding noise he’d heard _wasn’t_ part of the dream, it seemed, and was in fact very real, and coming from his side door. There was another _thud,_ and this time Steven could see a faint greenish glow being cast by whatever was causing the sound.

He got out of his bed cautiously, not wanting to alert whatever might be out there to his presence. Summoning his shield, he crept around to the side of the curtains, hoping to be able to look outside without being seen.

_Both Hazel and Jasper have warned us about Gems trying to attack us while our guard was down…_

_And now Jasper’s not here because **someone** made her question her entire existence_

_I’m deciding to ignore that_

Steven moved the curtains just a tiny bit, enough to see the porch outside of his room, enough to see that it was littered with-

Were those… _glowsticks?_

 _Thud._ Another glowstick, a blue one this time, hit the glass pane of his door, falling onto the porch, pushing one of the already-present glowstick just enough that it fell back down onto the sand.

...Steven decided then and there to give up on any pretense of stealth. Pulling back the slider door along with the one curtain, he let his shield fade to embers, and stepped out on the porch, careful not to trip on any of the glowsticks under his feet. Before he could even look down onto the beach, another one flew past his head, landing directly in the middle of his room.

“Dude, you almost hit Steven!”

“Ah, shit.”

Steven leant against the railing, staring down in utter disbelief. Both Jenny and Kiki, as well as Buck and Sour Cream, were standing underneath his porch like Romeo waiting for his Juliet- that is, if Romeo had stuffed his pants pockets full of glowsticks and thrown said glowsticks at Juliet’s face.

“...what.”

“I tried to tell them not to come over here!” insisted Kiki apologetically. “I really did! But they weren’t gonna listen, so I was gonna try and warn you, but then the Gems wouldn’t let me in ‘cause they said you was sleeping, so then SC decided to wake you up, and…” She shrugged helplessly as Steven sighed and held his face in his hands.

“We opted for glowsticks instead of pizza this time,” said Buck solemnly. “Louder that way. And we didn’t want to waste any pizza.”

“Crystal Pearl said you been locked up in there for ages, something about ‘recuperating both mentally and physically’,” said Jenny, rolling her eyes. “But I thought, how’s he supposed to feel better if he’s spendin’ all day stuck in his house?”

“I mean… there’s kind of a reason for that,” Steven deadpanned, gesturing towards himself.

“Who cares, man?” insisted Jenny. “You’ve seen how chill folks ‘round here are, ‘specially with all the Gems livin’ here!”

“Yeah, but… I just…” Steven bit his lip, looking to the side. “...not a lot of people have seen me like this yet.”

“Then now’s as good a time as any, right? I mean, I totally felt the same way when Buck and SC and I all started dating-”

“Wait, _what!?_ ”

Jenny froze in place. “ _We never told Steven._ ”

“Whoops.”

“I- you can do that?”

Sour Cream shrugged. “I mean, yeah. Some people are jerks about it, but, isn’t that the case with most stuff?”

Some part of his subconscious pulled at him, a growing anxiety, a fear- _they’re moving on without you, they’re happy and you’re not, you can’t even be happy for them-_ but he pushed it down and forced a smile, and it almost felt real. “That’s really cool! When did you guys even figure that out? _How_ did you figure it out?”

Jenny rolled her eyes. “Well, first these two dumbasses starting dating, but then SC went and had a whole like, emotional crisis ‘cause he still had feelings for me, and then Buck managed to get his head out of his ass and realize he _also_ had feelings for me-”

“It was a series of misunderstandings that inevitably lead to a positive conclusion,” said Buck solemnly.

“Inevitably!? Ain’t nothing inevitable about it, I ‘bout had to go and beat some sense into you two!”

Steven frowned. “I thought you guys were all leaving, though? You- you said you had like, plans and all that…”

Sour Cream shrugged. “We still have plans, mostly, but… it’s a lot better to do that kind of stuff together.”

“Buck’s doin’ medical school online ‘cause of travel expenses n’ shit, and SC’s still doing local gigs,” explained Jenny.

Sour Cream blushed. “Yeah… the nonstop partying was messing with my anxiety after a while. Jenny really knows how to manage this stuff, though, and she’s been using the gigs to sell her own stuff alongside the merch.”

_They’re… they’re staying?_

_They’re not leaving us_

Steven had to grip the wooden railing tight as the happiness that rose in his chest denied any effects of gravity. Except…

_...how come this makes us so much happier than knowing that **they’re** happy?_

And with that thought, the wood groaned under his weight. But he kept smiling. “I’m glad that’s working for you guys! And, uh, thanks for checking up on me, but, I should really be going now…”

“Oh no you don’t!” exclaimed Jenny, hands on her hips. “We are breaking you out of this house, Steven Universe!”

“Yeah,” added Buck with as much enthusiasm as one could get from him. “Prison break.”

Steven chucked. “Aha, yeah, let’s, uh, _not_ do that, actually,” he told them awkwardly. “I’m supposed to be taking it easy still, and- and my eye still hasn’t healed, and…”

“Nah, I’m Jenny on this one.”

Steven’s song broke off into synthesized chirps as Amethyst made her presence known to him. Three hands propped him against the railing, but another covered his gem, running simply on instinct. “Amethyst!”

Amethyst waved at him. “Yo.” Steven glared at her, his annoyance communicated through drawn out strings. “Seriously, though. Like, I’m not gonna tell you to go do whatever? But… I mean, take it from me, staying cooped up in one place gets to your head.”

Steven stood up straight again, still uncertain. He looked between the Cool Kids, then Amethyst, then his bedroom. Amethyst was right, he knew that. “...I don’t know,” he muttered, not loud enough for the Cool Kids to hear. “I… do you think Connie-?”

“Kiki came into the house to tell us what these three were planning,” Amethyst explained. “Connie’s already got her sword and an emergency survival pack, I _think_ she might be wanting to go with you, yeah?”

Steven couldn’t help but laugh at the mental image of Connie, fully ready for battle, sitting in the back of the pizzamobile. “There- there is one other problem, actually,” he mused. “I, uh… I’ve only got the one shirt that fits me. And it’s not really clean.”

Amethyst hummed, looking him up and down. “Just wear a crop top, man. I know you’ve got some.”

“Isn’t that a bit much?”

“Dude, you can wear a crop top whenever. ‘s not like anyone’s gonna stop you.”

_Wait, really?_

_I thought those were for special occasions_

Pollux’s reaction was silent, but Steven could ‘see’ the stars in his eyes. Amethyst grinned. “Seriously, dude, go have fun, yeah? Just, like. Don’t die or whatever, ‘cause that’d suck.”

“I’ll try not to,” Steven laughed. Amethyst gave a mock salute, and, rather than mess with the ramshackle mechanism that kept the door closed, shapeshifted into what looked to be a very flat snake before slithering out of the room. Steven turned back towards the beach, smiling. “I’ll be down in a second, yeah?”

Buck gave him a solemn thumbs up.

Steven went back into his room, closed the door, closed the curtains. He looked in the mirror, and he saw himself.

“Maybe that’s what the difference is, then,” he mused quietly. “They’re not afraid of me.”

(He does everything he can not to wonder if they should be)

( _How long do you think this’ll last, Steven?_ )

* * *

It had taken less than ten minutes for Steven to get properly dressed- he’d found a rather nice top that was short enough that it barely touched his lower shoulders, as well as a matching skirt and hairclip. Castor rather than Pollux had managed to figure out how to change the color of their headband, and Steven again summoned his jacket, the thick material warm against his shoulders.

He’d expected Connie to be out on the beach with the Cool Kids already, but she didn’t know them all that well, and was waiting for him. So, he introduced her to each of them in turn, and while she was still shy around them, she listened to their conversations with eager interest.

Once Connie had gotten her bag situated under one of the seats, and Steven managed to finagle his way around the seatbelt, Jenny asked them, “So, where we headed?”

Steven froze. “I… don’t… know? I didn’t think that far…” He glanced nervously over at Connie, who shrugged at him in turn.

“Let’s just grab some food and hang out a bit?” suggested Sour Cream, one arm propped up against the side of the car. “Grab some Burger Queen and just chillax.”

Connie frowned. “When you say ‘chillax’, do you mean…?”

“Don’t worry, lil’ lady, no drugs or shit in this car,” said Jenny as she started her way off the beach and onto the actual road. “Both y’alls are too young for any of that, and Mr Medical Student here’ll give us a lecture if we try anything.”

“Lectures with visual presentations,” confirmed Buck from the passenger seat. “To live life dangerously is one’s own choice, but you should always know what those dangers might be. Also, weed smells gross.”

“We had one of those ‘don’t do drugs or you’ll die’ things at school once,” mused Connie. “Honestly, that was the first time I’d even heard of most of the stuff they were talking about.”

“Is that really a thing?” asked Steven with some surprise. “All I got from Dad was ‘don’t do drugs ‘cause they’re expensive and they don’t even work right half the time’. Plus a lot of medicine and stuff doesn’t even work on me.” He paused. “Though I guess now I’m wondering if I’m even capable of getting _drunk_ or not.”

“You’re, what, eighteen?” asked Jenny.

“Seventeen,” Steven corrected her. “Though…” he trailed off, frowning. “Oh, jeez, I didn’t even realize- my birthday’s coming up pretty soon now…”

“Wait, really?” asked Connie. “Wow. I guess I forgot, with… everything that’s happened.” Steven sighed, keeping his hand close to the outside of the car, playing with the wind as it moved between his fingers.

“Give it a year or two, then I say we do a proper experiment,” said Jenny decisively. “See if we can get you tipsy or not.”

Steven grimaced. “Yeah… that’s, probably a bad idea for _multiple_ reasons. Let’s just change the subject, yeah?”

“Yeah, let’s turn on some music!” said Sour Cream enthusiastically. “Get some tunes goin’!”

Jenny laughed. “I dunno what I expect of you, babe,” she replied as she handed Buck her phone. “You know how to get that set up, right?” Buck grimaced, looking down at the object in his hands.

“See, this is why you should let me ride shotgun,” said Sour Cream.

“You don’t ride shotgun ‘cause you end up distracting me when I’m drivin’!”

“I think I got it,” added Buck. “Uh. Oh. Maybe.”

Soon enough, though, the car’s radio crackled to life, playing a much older song than Steven would have expected. He frowned as he listened, wondering why it sounded so familiar.

“ _Eleanor Rigby  
Picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been  
Lives in a dream_”

His eyes went wide as his hands clutched at the skin around his gemstone.

“ _Waits at the window  
Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door  
Who is it for?_”

“S-Steven? Are you okay?” whispered Connie, one hand lightly held over his shoulder.

“Fine,” responded Steven, trying to push down the pointless fear in his mind. It was just a song, why should he care so much? “I’m fine.”

“ _All the lonely people  
Where do they all come from?_”

_...Pollux?_

_ It’s fine _

_ It’s nothing _

_ Ignore it _

_ What aren’t you telling us? _

“ _All the lonely people  
Where do they all belong?_”

“Steven, you’re- you’re _glowing,_ ” Connie told him, still just as quiet, but far more urgent.

_...oh_

_ It’s- it’s the song Mo- _

_ **Don’t call her that!** _

_ It wasn’t **her.** Not really. _

“ _Father McKenzie  
Writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear  
No one comes near_”

He could feel his heart pounding, could feel the rush of anxiety- but there was no-one to fight, no enemy to be seen. The only monster here was himself. The skin around his stomach gave way, and he pulled back with a gasp. By then, it had already healed. Connie was staring at him, eyes wide with concern- the others hadn’t seen, they were talking amongst themselves. Steven didn’t know if he was grateful for that or not.

“ _Look at him working  
Darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there  
What does he care?_”

He pressed his eyes closed, trying to wrest away the Aura that threatened to envelop him like fire. The heat didn’t fade, but he could control it, could shape it- he could grab the fire with both hands and bury it deep where no-one else would be hurt by it.

“ _All the lonely people  
Where do they all come from?  
All the lonely people  
Where do they all belong?_”

His gemstone burned against his skin. When he opened his eyes, the glow had faded. “Just a bad memory,” he muttered to Connie. “Just- took me by surprise. I’m sorry.”

“Aww, come on!” cried Jenny. “Seriously? Tech issues _again?_ ”

“Wh- what’s going on?” asked Steven, loud enough to be heard in the front. Jenny huffed.

“Nothin’ much, just my phone acting up again. Gettin’ bitchy about playing this song for some reason.”

“Oh.” Steven cocked his head to the side, thinking. “We can just listen to something else, right?”

“Hell yeah,” said Buck. “Let’s get some rock ballads in here.”

_...did we do that? Did **I** do that?_

_ Why did we **react** like that? It’s just a song _

_Ugh, why do we have to be so- so **stupid** about this!? It’s just a song!_

Steven watched as the buildings rushed by, feeling the wind against his skin as it kept his palm aloft. Nobody noticed that he joined in late at singing along to the song Buck had found, or that he kept as much of his own song reined in as possible. Or rather, if they did, they didn’t say anything.

He forgot about the incident quickly.

(He didn’t, really)

(But he kept telling himself as much)


	52. Talk to Each Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You both love me_  
>  and I love both of you

In the time between his negotiations with the Diamonds, and Spinel’s attack, Steven had spent very nearly all his time away from Earth.

It started with back-and-forth trips to Homeworld, but with the round trip taking two days before the warps were set up, he and the Gems had agreed to having a living place set up on Homeworld. It was a bit like a replica of the Temple house, or as close as they could manage. One of the Gems would always accompany Steven when meeting with the Diamonds, and, at least at first, their meetings were rather informal.

That informality had been something Steven was rather insistent about- and not just with the Diamonds, but also with the various colony leaders he had to meet and negotiate with. But Steven eventually realized that that informality was one of the reasons why almost all his efforts had been met with failure. Gems didn’t see him as a Diamond, didn’t respect him as one, unless one of the others came with him.

In time, most of the discussions were held on Homeworld, in the form of a council of the Diamonds, the Crystal Gems, and various off-world leaders. Even then, things progressed slowly, but, they did _progress._ The production of Gems was halted- well, put on indefinite pause, technically- and while mining and building continued on planets without any organic life, the rest were set aside.

Some Gems were even making an effort to try and restore some of the planets that had been partially colonized, or to make records of alien lifeforms they came across. For most Gems, though, not a lot changed. They were free to choose what they wanted to do, yes, but very few of them were in any way unhappy with their existence, once off-colors and fusions were no longer under threat of shattering, and laborer Gems were permitted time to rest and socialize.

The Freedom of Pearls act had been the first big change, really, giving Pearls the same freedom to choose, as well as granting them the same legal rights as any other Gem, rather than them being treated as allocatable property. It was the first time Steven had been required to make a formal and public appearance, insisting he wear one of his own dresses rather than Pink Diamond’s old clothing.

He’d been under constant scrutiny, observed not only by the Diamonds, but his own friends and family, as well as the Gems that were now being told that this strange organic creature was in fact a Diamond. Whispers and rumors flew without restraint, yet the moment he got near to any of the Gems spreading them, those same Gems would salute him and bow to him and shower him with adorations.

All of this was to say, mind you, that despite all that, having some random Burger Queen worker- who was almost certainly not being paid enough for any of this- stare at him with something between awe, confusion, and concern, was far, _far_ worse than that entire event had been.

Steven waved at them awkwardly. They waved back.

“Do you want fries with that?”

“Are you guys paying?” Steven asked Buck quietly.

“You get whatever you want, man,” said Buck. “This is your time to relax.”

“Oh. Uh, yes to the fries then.”

The five of them took relatively little time finishing up their order, and despite it being a Friday afternoon, the area was largely empty of traffic. The person handing them their order seemed completely unphased by someone with horns and four arms, so Steven figured she’d probably been living near Beach City for a while.

They ate their food in the car while Jenny looked for a proper place for them to sit down- “I gotta get this thing cleaned out tomorrow anyways,” she'd insisted. “But don’t _try_ and make a mess, yeah? Just, don’ worry if you get some crumbs n’ stuff on the seats.” Sour Cream was the only one to actually finish all his food before they even arrived at the picnic spot Jenny had in mind.

It was near a playground, which was thankfully deserted, and only really consisted of a few wooden tables with umbrellas that had long since been bleached out by the sun. The whole thing lay atop a hill overlooking the ocean, backlit by the sunset.

Steven sat down facing towards the water, two hands holding his food and the other two folded in his lap. “I, um…” He trailed off, fumbling a bit with his words. “...thank you for doing this for us.”

Jenny grinned. “Hey, what’re friends for, y’know? I mean, you’ve always been there for us, even when it was hard- I mean, you were terrified about people leavin’, and you still tried to be supportive. We ain’t gonna just leave you on your own when you need someone.”

“Have you been doin’ okay?” asked Buck suddenly, looking over at Connie. Steven couldn’t tell if he looked determined or concerned or both. Connie looked up in surprise.

“Me? I mean…” Connie sighed. “I’m kind of keeping myself from freaking out until things are a bit more stable, I guess. Focusing on school’s been helpful, and Pearl and Amethyst have been pretty understanding about it all.”

Steven frowned. “Connie, I…”

“Don’t worry about it,” insisted Connie. “Seriously. Especially since school’s starting back up for me soon, so I’ll get to talk with my counselor-slash-therapist again. I… I’m not gonna let myself break down on you. But uh…” She gave a dry laugh. “ _Boy am I gonna break down at some point._ ”

Jenny grimaced. “Yeah, I know that feel. You think exams are tough, try havin’ to study for ‘em while your grandpa’s dyin’ in a hospital bed. Don’t forget to give yourself some ‘me time’ though, yeah? ‘s like the whole airplane thing, you gotta put your own oxygen mask on before you try an’ help anyone else.”

Connie nodded. “I’ll remember that.”

_...are we really causing her that much stress?_

_ She chose to help us- _

_That doesn’t make it better!_

_ We should’ve been more considerate of her_

_ We shouldn’t have let her stay with us. It’s not safe for her_

“Connie…” Steven muttered, curling his hand around hers. “We didn’t... we shouldn’t have-”

“It’s okay,” said Connie, gripping his hand tightly in return. “None of this was your fault. It’s hard because I’m worried about you, because I care about you. Right now, let me be worried, okay? And when you’re feeling better, you can be worried for me.”

Steven smiled softly. “Yeah. Okay.”

“...is there something I’m missin’ here?” asked Jenny. “‘cause you just said ‘we shouldn’t have’ and I don’t know who else you talkin’ about.”

_whoops_

“You okay with telling them?” asked Connie quietly. Steven frowned, looking to the side as he thought.

_I don’t… I don’t want to have to explain this again… I don’t know **how** to explain…_

_...we could show them_

_Wh- is that **safe!?**_

_ As long as it’s only for a little while, and I stay close to Pollux_

_ I only needed the power store because he was gone, remember?_

_...Steven… if you don’t want us to split…_

_I- I don’t…_

_No. Just for a little while._

_I won’t really be gone, after all_

_It’s weird, but… even when you’re split, it feels like I’m still kind of there, yeah?_

_I trust you_

In reality, the conversation in his head had only taken a few moments. Steven looked back at Connie, smiling. “I think we might be able to do one better than that,” he told her, standing up off the picnic bench and brushing himself off a bit. Connie frowned in confusion, before realizing what he meant.

“Steven-! Are- are you sure you can…?”

“It’s okay,” he reassured her gently. “We’re choosing to do it this time, yeah? We know what we’re doing.”

“Still don’t know who you’re talking about,” added Sour Cream, only briefly looking up from his phone. Steven just grinned.

It was as easy as simply taking a step, really. Two minds choosing to let go, knowing they would be Together again soon enough. Steven’s world faded to white, and it split.

Castor and Pollux stood together hand-in-hand, Castor’s shirt displaying the uneven scarring that covered his stomach. “Uh, so, yeah! We-”

“HOLY SHIT!?”

“Woah.”

“ _WHAT._ ”

The Cool Kids instantly erupted into various forms of chaos. Jenny had her hands in her hair and was making a variety of high-pitched noises that sounded vaguely like laughter. Sour Cream had his mouth hanging open wide as he stared in utter disbelief. Buck took his glasses off.

Castor laughed, even as Pollux clutched his hand tightly. “Haha, yeah, we’ve kind of been expecting this kinda reaction for a while, but, uh, you guys are actually the first ones we’ve gotten it from.”

“I- wha- has this- has this _always_ been a thing?” asked Jenny, tripping over her words and only barely managing to put them together.

“Sort of? We, um… we didn’t really- we weren’t really _aware_ of each other until pretty recently, but we’ve always kind of been there,” Castor explained. “We ended up picking our own names out, too- I’m Castor, and this is Pollux!” Pollux waved awkwardly. “He’s not very talkative, but that’s okay! I kinda talk enough for the both of us anyways.”

“It all makes so much sense now…” whispered Sour Cream, looking off into the distance.

“You guys are _sure_ this is okay?” asked Connie. “I don’t wanna be nagging you, but… you really weren’t doing well, before.”

“It really is okay,” Castor told her, smiling softly. “It’s only really an issue if we’re too far apart, otherwise we can stay split pretty much however long we like.”

“No we can’t,” said Pollux suddenly, much to Castor’s surprise.

“We can’t?”

“Jenny’s car doesn’t seat six.”

Castor stared at Pollux for a moment, with Pollux staring back blankly, before Castor started laughing. “That wasn’t a joke,” insisted Pollux.

“No, no, I know it wasn’t, I just-” Castor stopped talking for a moment to try and quell his giggling. “I was expecting it to be something really serious, not, uh, seating arrangements.”

“Oh.”

“This ain’t the first time you’ve been, uh…” Jenny frowned, waving her hands about as she searched for the right words. “Not Steven, I guess?”

“Oh! Uh…” Castor grimaced, rubbing the back of his neck, pointedly ignoring the rounded, bony spines he found there. “It’s kind of complicated, but, no, we’ve been apart like this before. This is actually the first time we’ve chosen to unfuse, though, rather than it being an accident, or, uh…” Now it was Castor that tightened his grip on Pollux’s hand. “It’s nice being apart like this sometimes, though! Plus, I mean, you guys have never met the two of us, technically, so… yeah!”

“I’m guessing you don’t got the magic healing stuff, then?” asked Buck, peering intently at Castor. He’d since put his glasses back on, and had his elbows propped up against the picnic table.

“Uh, no, not really- why do you ask?”

Buck shrugged. “Nasty scar n’ all that. Stuff doesn’t scar up like that unless it heals slowly and unevenly. Usually happens when the wound gets opened up again or somethin’.”

Castor felt his chest tighten. He’d never actually seen the scarring on his stomach, he’d only felt it, brushed over it with his hand. But still, he knew where it was, _what_ it was, when ~~everything he was had been ripped from his body and _he’s falling to the ground- a sudden pain and a sudden stop, darkness, a dull ache at the back of his head- he’s standing again, Connie at his side, and-_~~

~~_He lifts up his shirt just enough to see the two open wounds, above and below where his gem should be- he can still feel HER claws tearing through his skin, grabbing the only thing that makes him **important,** the only thing that lets him be helpful- if he’s not a Gem then what **is** he? _ ~~

~~_He looks up and sees it, sees the reflection of himself, an expressionless void and it’s wearing **his** face, it’s wearing his **gem,** it’s-_ ~~

“Castor? Castor, please say something…”

Castor felt himself being pulled back into reality like a rubber band, and when he looked up, all he could see was Pollux’s wide diamond eyes, staring at him in concern. “I- I’m… what…?” Castor put a hand to his throat, feeling his racing pulse. “What just happened?”

“I’m not completely sure. I think you had a panic attack, though.” It was Buck who answered for him, to Castor’s surprise. He was kneeling down on the grass next to where Castor had fallen, with Connie, Jenny, and Sour Cream all keeping their distance. “Has this happened before?”

“N- no. Of course not,” replied Castor, purely on instinct.

“It’s okay if it has, Castor,” said Buck calmly. “It’s not something to be ashamed of.”

“...yes,” whispered Castor, hanging his head. “But- it’s never been as bad as that before. It- it would just last a second.”

Buck nodded. “I’m gonna walk you two back to the car a second, yeah? Give you some space to breathe.”

“What? I’m-” Castor shook his head, frowning. “I’m _fine_ now. It’s- whatever it was is done now. It’s- I’m fine.”

Buck just shrugged. “Maybe you are. Still a good idea to take a second to relax.”

Castor clenched his fists, more than ready to keep arguing- until Pollux stood up, offering his hand, offering a barely audible, “ _Please…_ ”

Castor sighed, letting Pollux help him up, leaning against his twin as he wobbled on his feet. “Yeah. Okay.”

* * *

The car was close enough that it didn’t take more than a minute or two to get there, but it was far enough that the conversation at the picnic table was little more than background noise as the two halves sat across from each other on the back seats.

“I was _fine,_ ” growled Castor, propping his head up as he looked out the side of the car, very pointedly not looking at Pollux.

“You weren’t.”

“I would’ve been!” snapped Castor. “I just needed a second, and then I would’ve been fine, and we wouldn’t have to think about this anymore!”

“You can’t just ignore this-!”

“You mean like how you’re ignoring _these?_ ” Castor almost yelled, pushing his hair back to fully reveal one of his horns. Pollux jerked back, looking away. “Yeah, that’s what I fucking thought.”

“...we’re going to have to fuse again before they get back,” muttered Pollux. “Or else it’ll just make them even more suspicious and concerned.”

Castor groaned, leaning against the car door. “Shit, you’re right. How’re we gonna do that?”

“We could dance.”

“No. Not happening.”

“Mm. I figured as much.” Pollux cocked his head to the side. “We’ve seen others fuse out of necessity- whether that be for better or worse. We both have motivation to force both ourselves and each other to stay Together. Just so long as we don’t let go.”

“...you’re talking about Malachite.”

“Do you have a better comparison?”

“...no. I don’t.”

Pollux stepped gently out of the car, moving around to the back, with Castor soon following.

Pollux offered his hand, and Castor took it.

* * *

_One of us will have to talk_

_ Just so long as you stay quiet _

_...I can’t… I can’t hear him _

_ It’s just us _

_ We- we’re not really… Together. _

_ Did you expect us to be? Do you **want** us to be? _

_...I don’t know _

_ Mm _

_ Just… just stay quiet, and hold on. We can let go when we’re alone. _

* * *

Connie had known Steven for years now, had learned his tics and habits. She knew he tugged on the bottom of his shirt when in an awkward situation, always keeping one hand near his gem. She knew he always stood up straight, kept his posture formal, even when he didn’t have to. She knew he tended to keep his hands clasped together in front of him when he was nervous, but would keep them in his pockets when he was calm. She knew he took steps that were just a bit too big for him, relying on his powers to keep him moving.

So when she saw Steven sitting in the car, one hand resting against the door and the other three guarding his stomach, completely lost in his own head, she knew, she _knew,_ that the relaxed smile he gave them when pulled from his thoughts wasn’t real, but the split second of panic in his eyes just before it was.

But Connie also knew that if she said anything, if she called him out on it, it would just make things worse. So instead, she smiled back, and looked reassured when he told her that he was feeling better now.

The five of them drove back towards the town, singing along to whatever cheesy pop song happened to play from the radio, and both Connie and Steven pretended that everything was just fine.

It wasn’t.

She waited just long enough for them to get out of the car and onto the beach, lit only by the lights from the Temple. The two of them said their goodbyes to the Cool Kids, insisted they’d had a great time, they should do this again sometimes, etcetera, etcetera.

And then Connie let out the breath she’d been holding and almost sank to her knees. Steven stepped forwards to catch her, holding her by the arm. “Are- are you alright?”

Connie sighed. “You can drop the act, Steven. It’s okay.”

Steven froze up, the only movement on his face, a forced smile. “Connie, I- I don’t-”

“Please,” Connie insisted.

“I’m not-”

“ _Steven either you drop the act or I slap you in the face, do not test me right now._ ”

“Oh.” Steven’s shoulders dropped as he looked off to the side. “...we didn’t want you to be worried about us.”

“That’s not your decision to make!” said Connie, throwing her arms wide. “Look- I _know_ this is scary, and I _know_ you don’t want to lean on anyone else, but, you’re just making it worse!”

“We’re trying to fix it on our own,” said Steven flatly.

Connie sighed. “Alright. Alright. I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth- not what you want to think is the truth, but the actual truth. Do you really think you guys are _able_ to do this on your own?”

Steven’s gaze shot up to meet Connie’s. “I’m…” He bit his lip, searching her face for some sign, some clue. She gave none.

“...no. We can’t.”

“Okay then.” Connie gave him a sideways smile. “So what’re you going to do about that?”

“...we, um… we were going to be meeting with Crazy Lace again, but then the whole thing with- with us unfusing happened? Um…” Steven rubbed at the back of his neck. “Centi’s coming over tomorrow, too, but that’s just to make sure nothing’s gone really wrong with the corruption scars and all that.”

Connie nodded. “Okay. Maybe you can ask Pearl or your dad about meeting with Crazy Lace again. Do you… hmm. Would it be easier for me to bring it up to them?”

“Yes,” answered Steven immediately. “I mean- ugh, no, I don’t know, I- she’s going back to school soon, we shouldn’t rely on her for everything- she’s offering it to us! Just-” Steven slammed his eyes shut and pressed his hands to his head, not covering his ears, but trying to hold himself together.

Connie quickly moved to him, putting her hands on his shoulders. “It’s okay! You don’t have to figure it out right away-”

“ _Don’t let go, don’t let go, don’t let go-_ ” Steven muttered those three words over and over like a mantra, his panicked breathing slowing gradually. It took time, but soon he pulled his hands away from his head, swaying slightly where he stood.

“Steven? Are you…?”

“No,” replied Castor, shaking his head. “Couldn’t, um- couldn’t stay Together properly. ‘m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” insisted Connie. “You guys are dealing with a lot right now.”

“Can we, um…” Castor fretted with the hem of his jacket. “Can we talk in my- in Steven’s room? I don’t… it’s harder to stay fused now, I think ‘cause we were apart for a while. Before it wasn’t an issue at all, but now…”

“You don’t have to explain it to me,” said Connie, taking him by the hand and leading him towards the Obsidian Temple. “I’m guessing you don’t want the others to know?”

“Not yet. But- that doesn’t mean not at all. I, um… just, not yet.”

* * *

Pearl had been the only one in the house when they got back in- she’d been sitting on the couch smiling at her phone, and informed them that she’d been waiting for them to return. She hadn’t wanted Steven to come back to an empty house, with Greg sleeping in his van parked out front, and Amethyst teaching classes in Little Homeworld- though Pearl assured them that she had brought her phone along with her, just in case.

Pearl also reminded them about Centi’s visit the next day, as well as informing them that Hazel Pearl would be arriving not long afterwards to discuss “some official announcement of sorts, she said that you would know what she was talking about.” Castor did not, in fact, know what she was talking about, but smiled and nodded along with her.

The moment she and Castor entered the bedroom, Connie closed the door behind them, keeping it closed with a doorstopper in place of the wrecked doorknob. Turning around, she expected to see Castor and Pollux unfused already, but instead-

Steven- and she knew it was Steven, from the way he held himself, from the color of his eye- stared at two of his hands, the others clutching at his top. “Steven? What’s going on?”

“Not- it’s not-” His song was chaotic and jumbled, skipping and glitching as he spoke. “I thought- I thought- we were going to, to come back Together again, wanted to- I’m not-” He looked up at her in a moment of sudden lucidity, his eyes wide. “I’m not really here,” he whispered, insisted. “Not when they’re like this. I don’t- it’s so rare I want to be here, and I can’t, and I’m- I’m-”

Steven’s words were cut off by a strangled cry, and just before his eyes slammed shut Connie saw them shift in color to the brilliant pink that she’d learned to associate with Pollux. His body glowed and wavered, pulling apart, coming together for a brief moment, but inevitably-

Castor and Pollux were thrown against the sides of the room, with Pollux slamming into the foot of the bed and Castor landing in a rather undignified manner in the hamper. Connie briefly glanced over to make sure Pollux was still in one piece before rushing over to Castor’s side and helping him onto his feet.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, rubbing at the side of his head. Without even looking Connie could practically feel the indignance that radiated from Pollux.

“You’re a Gem,” she told him, glaring at him. “I was making sure he didn’t break a bone, and you haven’t any bones _to_ break.”

“...ah.”

“Now are either of you gonna tell me what’s going on?”

Pollux narrowed his eyes. “I’d rather like to know that as well.”

“Don’t you start!” argued Castor, pointing a finger at his other half. “If you hadn’t acted like I was having a damn heart attack-”

“Just because you might’ve been able to pull yourself together doesn’t mean you would’ve actually been okay-”

Connie sat down on the bed as pointedly as she could, crossing her arms. “Nope. Nuh-uh. You two are gonna sit down and talk instead of just yelling at each other.”

Pollux complied immediately, quickly grabbing the stool from the other side of the room and moving it to where he’d been standing. Castor huffed and gave a dramatic roll of his eyes before upending the hamper he’d landed in and using it as a makeshift seat.

“Better. Okay, so-” Connie templed her hands beneath her chin, then pointed them at Castor. “Something happened, back at the picnic site, right?”

Castor shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah. I, uh… it was like I was back in White’s head for a second there… stuff like that happens sometimes though, yeah? It’s usually not a big deal though, we’ve- we’ve never just _collapsed_ like that!”

...Connie decided to file that under ‘We don’t have time to unpack all that right now’ and move on. “And you’re angry at Pollux because…?”

“I-” Castor frowned. “It’s complicated.”

“If I had let him, he would’ve tried to brush it off and act like nothing had happened,” explained Pollux plainly.

“It wasn’t! A big! Deal!”

“I thought you were _dying,_ Castor,” insisted Pollux, hands gripping at his knees. “You collapsed for no apparent reason, you weren’t responding to any external stimulus… I was scared.”

Castor looked at him in legitimate surprise. “Wh- you agreed with me that it would be safe to unfuse!”

“I thought I had made a mistake. Even once I saw you were physically stable, I… mm. I was angry at you for trying to act like nothing happened. And you yelled at me for it.” The whole time he spoke, Pollux kept his voice steady, even, calm.

“I yelled at you for being a hypocrite!” yelled Castor, standing up from his seat. “Like- yeah! Yeah, okay, I didn’t want to ruin everyone’s night because of something that lasted like, ten seconds! Was I freaked out by it? Yes! Of course I was! But I wasn’t going to demand everyone’s attention because of it!”

“The Cool Kids invited us along for _our_ sake,” said Pollux. “They wanted to cheer Steven up, get him out of the house.”

“Castor, you weren’t ‘demanding attention’,” added Connie. “You needed help. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Okay! Okay. Sure,” said Castor, throwing his hands up in defeat as he sat back down. “Let’s talk about something else, yeah? Like say, the bit where we started _glowing pink_ because of a _song?_ ”

Pollux’s grip tightened. “I don’t- this isn’t something I can talk about.”

“Oh, so, it’s fine when we’re talking about _my_ problems, but the moment the spotlight’s on _you-_ ”

“Why can’t you talk about it?” asked Connie, cutting off Castor's rant.

“There are…” Pollux trailed off, frowning. “I experienced a lot when I was dissipated, but I can’t actively recall the majority of it. The only part I can remember with any clarity is… seeing… mm. I don’t know how to word it.”

“You saw Mom,” drawled Castor.

“ **IT WAS NOT HER,** ” insisted Pollux, standing up quickly enough that Connie didn’t even see him move. His voice shook the floorboards, and his hands were balled into fists at his side. “She is _gone._ What I saw was an _echo,_ an image of her. _Rose Diamond is DEAD._ ”

Castor reacted in terror, sitting on the floor with his hands clutching at his head protectively. “ _I’m sorry,_ ” he whispered frantically. “ _I’m sorry, I’m sorry-_ ”

Pollux jerked back, his eyes wide. “I- I didn’t…” He sat back down, hands shaking. “This- this is why I was afraid to talk about this. I’m… I’m not safe to be around when I get angry,” he stated quietly. “And… I’m the reason _Steven_ isn’t safe to be around.”

Castor gave a dry huff from where he sat, limbs sprawled out as he hastily rubbed the tears that had started to form. “Yeah, but… ‘s me that gets angry more often than not. Or like… you get angry for actual reasons, yeah? I get angry over stupid things. Like the- like you ignoring the corruption scars.”

Connie frowned. “How is he ignoring them?”

“We appear differently within our shared mindscape than we do in reality,” explained Pollux. “I… I have been portraying myself without the scars. I didn’t… I didn’t want it to be real.”

“I don’t want it to be real either, but it _is,_ ” said Castor. “It is physically, tangibly, _real._ It’s not something we can just will away.”

Connie gave Castor a wry grin. “Since when did you start being the voice of reason?” Castor sputtered angrily at her.

“I- wh- I have been perfectly reasonable!”

“You just now stated that you ‘get angry over stupid things’,” mused Pollux.

“You- you are a traitor is what you are, but I’m going to _very reasonably_ ignore that,” said Castor. “Look, I just-” He sighed, picking himself up off the floor and brushing himself off. “I don’t… I don’t want you to have to deal with me. If there was a way you could be okay on your own, I’d take it.”

“I- you shouldn’t have to deal with me,” insisted Pollux. “You should be able to just… to just be Human. To not have to deal with all the baggage that comes with… with me,” he said, gesturing to his gem. “I’m… I’m a _Diamond._ That’s not something I can change- it’s not something I _want_ to change. But… I know that that’s scary for you. And… I wish you didn’t have to feel that way about me. I wish Steven didn’t have to feel that way about himself.”

“...what’re we gonna do?” asked Castor of the ceiling above them, his head leant back against the glass door behind the curtains. “How are we gonna make this work?”

“We made it work for a good seventeen years.”

“No, _Steven_ did. And we were just… him. But now we’re not. Now we’re here too.”

“I mean…” Connie rubbed at her arm awkwardly. “I’m not a psychologist, but, I’m pretty sure the best thing to do is just… talk. Communicate.”

Castor and Pollux looked over at each other, and Castor started laughing. “Stars, we really don’t do that, do we?” he asked rhetorically. “We just end up arguing and splitting every time something comes up we can’t instantly agree about.”

Pollux tilted his head to the side. “Aren’t you concerned about the others hearing us? Or noticing that Steven’s behavior is… off?”

“I mean…” Castor bit his lip. “Yeah, kind of? But we knew we were gonna have to talk to the Gems about it sooner or later and _aw heck we didn’t explain any of this to Connie did we-_ ”

Pollux looked over at Connie. “We’re not entirely certain how or why, but even when we’re Together, we… exist, in a way, as a part of Steven’s mind. Even when he exists, we’re still here.”

“Huh.”

“Mm.”

“We’re kinda dumb, aren’t we,” mused Castor. “All of this and the solution was basically just ‘talk to each other’.”

“Steven has precisely one functional braincell and we’re playing hot potato with it,” stated Pollux plainly.

“Really? And here I was thinking we were playing Pong.”

Connie snorted. “Yeah, I think you guys are doing better.”

Pollux looked over at her. “We can talk with Pearl about meeting with Crazy Lace come morning. You need to sleep, I think.”

Connie hummed in agreement. “You guys gonna be okay with me heading back to school soon?”

Castor smiled sheepishly. “Only if we can still text you during lunch hour and study breaks.”

“Will you be returning to your room at Jayhawk?” asked Pollux.

“Mmm, probably, but I can always come back over here via Lion,” said Connie.

“True.”

“We’ll see you in the morning, yeah?” Castor grinned. “Ooh! We can get some Chaaps for Centi!”

Connie laughed even as she removed the doorstopper. “Just so long as you don’t drizzle them with ketchup this time.”

“Aww, what?”

“Why must you oppress us in this way, Connie.”

“Go to sleep!”

“Love you too, Strawberry!”

* * *

(Hours later, Pearl crept upstairs to check on Steven, and found him sleeping peacefully, with all four arms hugging the life out of a stuffed bear.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art has been added to chapters 46, 49, 50, and probably a few others I can't remember


	53. Jam Buds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Fly me to the moon  
>  Let me play among the stars  
> Let me see what spring is like  
> On Jupiter and Mars_

Steven stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, fogged up by steam, but just enough of it wiped clean.

His right eye was still bloodshot, its vision, just as foggy as the mirror. There were visible bags under his eyes, and he knew that those were hardly new. The skin around his horns was still thin, sensitive, inflamed, and the beginnings of tusks scraped at his cheeks.

...he wished he’d just left the mirror be. 

“At least it hasn’t gotten any worse,” offered Castor, though they all knew it was just empty optimism.

It hadn’t gotten any better, either.

That feeling of melancholy, emptiness, had come back with a vengeance- Steven knew it was depression, but admitting it, saying it out loud almost seemed like letting it win. 

So he looked back at reflection, practiced an easy-going smile, one that wasn’t happy, but wasn’t worrying, either. One that would reassure the others that he was doing better, but that he wasn’t pretending.

(How could he not pretend? Steven didn’t know how else to talk to people, other than putting on the right mask. He couldn’t just take off the mask- there wasn’t anything underneath. The best he could do was try and find the mask they liked the most.)

Steven pulled on the clothing and undergarments he’d brought into the bathroom with him, and draped another towel over his shoulders to let his hair dry properly. It was still early enough in the morning that Pearl and Connie were the only ones actually present and awake, with the latter still nursing a mug of terribly bitter coffee. The smell hit Steven as soon as he stepped out of the bathroom.

“I still don’t believe that you think that smells _good,_ ” he mused as he started raiding the pantry. Connie shot him a glare.

“It smells like being awake,” she told him, with all the kindness of a bear awoken from hibernation a month early. Steven gave a short laugh.

“Fair enough, I guess.” He sat down at the table, still yawning and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “When’s, uh… d’y’know when Centi’s getting here?”

“Not for another two hours,” replied Pearl, tapping away busily at a holo-screen. “She wanted to give you time to wake up.”

“ _Don’t wanna,_ ” mumbled Steven before yawning again. 

“Well, considering how busy she’s been lately, I can’t imagine she’d be too happy about rescheduling,” noted Pearl with a quirk of an eyebrow. “But if you do feel you need to…”

“No, no, ‘s’okay,” said Steven with a tired wave. “‘m just tired.”

“Oh! I never did ask, how did your outing last night go?” 

_...ah_

Steven and Connie glanced at each other, all of the exhaustion in their eyes replaced by an awkward panic. “...it started out okay,” began Connie, looking off to the side.

“We- Castor and Pollux wanted to meet the Cool Kids,” said Steven, trying to excuse his own- their own?- idiotic mistake. “We thought it’d be okay if we just stayed next to each other, but, um…” He rubbed at his arm, trying not to let himself dig his claws into the skin. “Castor… Buck said he had a panic attack. I don’t… I don’t know.”

Pearl looked on in sympathy. “Oh dear… are- are you feeling any better now?”

“We talked it out with Connie,” Steven explained, idly poking at his cereal with a spoon. “It was nice being around people again, really! But, uh… I dunno.” He shrugged. “We had kind of hoped we could still unfuse safely. But… we can’t.”

Pearl sighed, tapping her porcelain-like claws against the holo-screen’s projector. “I wish I had some kind of advice for you,” she admitted. “But… I am glad you told me.”

“Why?”

Pearl looked over at Steven with some surprise. “Why?” she parroted. Steven just shrugged.

“I mean, if it’s not something you can help with, then why would you want to know?” He did what he could to ensure that his curiosity was heard in his song, but it still sounded flat and tired. 

Pearl pursed her lips, looking back down at her screen. “I don’t-” Her song started off frustrated and almost angry, but when she spoke again, it was a whisper. “I care about you,” she told Steven. “I want to know if you’re okay, and, that includes when you’re _not_ okay.”

“Oh.”

“Mm.”

Steven looked down at the table, shame burning his face. That was stupid; why did he _say_ that? He kept his lower hands beneath the table where the others couldn’t see, held one hand up so that the blood wouldn’t pool as he pressed a claw into the base of his thumb. _Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid-_

“Do you, um… this is kind of a drastic subject change, but, I was wondering if you’d manage to alter any of my shirts?” Steven had brought up the topic to Pearl not long after he’d become Whole again, and discovered his… _were_ they corruption scars? He hoped so. Either way, Pearl had needed some advice from the Crocoite living in the Little Homeworld, as she was the only Crocoite- a caste of tailors and designers- who had worked with fusions and corrupted Gems.

Pearl grimaced awkwardly. “Ehhh… not exactly,” she told him slowly. “I may need to have you come down to Crocoite’s shop at some point; I asked her if she could come here but she was quite insistent that her ‘’’equipment’’’ was not something to be moved around.”

“What kind of equipment would a seamstress need that’s immobile?” mused Connie. “I mean, you guys must have some kind of high-tech sewing machine or something, right?”

“Mm, not quite,” said Pearl. “Most Gems prefer form clothing over physical fabrics, but any Gem clothing has to be able to change with the wearer’s form, and has to be customized for that specific Gem. Normally that’s no issue, as you can just set it to the default for whatever cut of Gem you’re working with, but the moment you step out of that default, you need… well, let’s just say it’s rather complicated and put it at that,” Pearl decided, seeing Steven’s focus drift away before her very eyes. 

“I almost never shapeshift anyways, can’t you just stick to regular fabric?” asked Steven.

Pearl frowned. “I suppose so, but… well, I’d really rather not permanently damage any of your shirts. I mean, we don’t- this might not be permanent…” She held her hands together nervously. “...right?”

Steven sighed, looking down at one of his left hands. “...no. This- I don’t think this is going to go away,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

Pearl’s shoulders fell as she looked off to the side. “Oh.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Connie told Steven reassuringly. “You didn’t know this would happen any more than the rest of us did.”

Steven rubbed at his face with the butt of his hand. “I guess.”

“I’ll, ah, I’ll see if Croicite can be of any further help, hmm?” said Pearl, clapping her hands together. “I’ll be in the Temple if you need me at all; Greg and Amethyst should be here soon enough anyways.” Pearl switched off the holo-screen and took the projector with her in her gemstone. Steven yawned and stretched as Connie finished the last of her coffee and placed the mug into the sink.

“...hey, Steven?”

Steven replied with a few muffled notes behind a mouthful of cereal, making Connie smile briefly as she rested her elbows on the kitchen counter. “Why did you say you couldn’t unfuse safely?”

Steven frowned at her as he finished off what he’d been chewing on. “What do you mean?”

Connie sighed. “I just… I’m wondering if Castor’s flashback was less to do with you being unfused, and more to do with an unpleasant memory.”

“...I think I would’ve been okay if I hadn’t been on my own,” said Castor quietly, Steven’s left eye shifting to that tell-tale magenta. “When we’re together, we can deal with it.”

“We _can’t,_ though,” argued Steven, his eye turning dark again, his gaze unfocused as he spoke to himself. “It’s stuff like that that’s caused the whole, ‘glowing pink’ thing.”

“Do you know what that is?” asked Connie, unphased by Steven’s components switching out with him in conversation. “I mean, just glowing doesn’t seem like all that much.”

“It would be fine if it was just that, but…”

“Crazy Lace Agate called it an ‘Aura’,” explained Pollux. “When active, it…” He looked off to the side, apprehensive. 

“We’re more powerful. We can move fast enough it seems like time stops.” Steven could feel the tears welling up in his eyes as he spoke- all these things, all these things that sounded so grand, and he hated each one. “We could summon this- this sort of wall, and- _stars,_ we could _fly_ somehow, and- it-” He fought past the growing lump in his throat. “It felt like we were burning ourself up.”

“We were,” added Pollux quietly. “We were.”

“It was… it was how we shattered Jasper,” whispered Castor, his song barely audible.

Connie’s eyes were wide with- concern? Pity? Fear? Steven didn’t know. “And… you can’t control it?”

“...we activated it intentionally once or twice, but… mostly, it’s…”

“It happens whenever we get angry.”

“Or frightened.”

“Or when we’re reminded of something that hurt us- or _someone_ that hurt us.”

Connie sighed through her nose, shaking her head. “That’s… I didn’t even realize…”

“Honestly? In a way, it’s… it’s not really a new problem,” said Steven with a sad, bitter smile. “Just, old problems showing up in a horrifying and destructive new way- which also applies to the whole corruption nonsense, so…” He shrugged.

Connie nodded, biting her lip as she looked down. “I’m not an expert, but, it kind of sounds like a fight-or-flight kind of response? Kind of like an adrenaline rush, but… more magicky.” 

“Yeah, but it happens in response to pretty much whatever,” drawled Castor. “It’d be one thing if it happened when we were fighting, but like, just minor stuff will set it off.”

Connie raised an eyebrow at them. “Stuff like a song from the 60’s?”

Steven blushed. “When… when I was… in our gemstone… I saw an image of Rose Diamond. An echo of her. And… that was the song she was playing.” Pollux paused. “I felt so angry at her at the time, and… all of a sudden, it was the only thing I could think of.”

“...shit, Steven, I don’t even-” Connie shook her head again, staring at them. “I wish I could help you more, I really do, but I don’t know what I can do.”

Steven smiled at her. “It’s okay, yeah? I mean… I’m not _happy_ you’re leaving, but, I understand why. And, uh…” He shrugged. “I mean, just talking with you helps, even if it’s through a video call.”

“Besides, we’d probably just end up feeling horribly guilty about it if we ended up screwing over your education.”

“Oh, sure, that’s a fantastic excuse,” said Pollux, rolling his eyes. “Go to school, or else we’ll feel bad about it. Isn’t that what guilt tripping is?”

“...quiet, you.”

Connie laughed. “I don’t even know how you manage anything with the peanut gallery in your head,” she told them. “I don’t think I’d get _anything_ done.”

Steven grinned, without having to force it. “It’s a talent.”

“Anyways, Steven, do you-” Connie stopped herself, then frowned. “Huh.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I mean- it feels a bit weird still just calling you ‘Steven’ when I’m talking to all three of you,” explained Connie, tapping her nails against the counter. “Even with the whole, ‘they are you, and you are them’ thing. I- I don’t know if it actually bothers you or not, it could just be a me thing-”

“No, no, it’s- it’s kind of weird for us too,” Steven replied. They hadn’t actually realized that, at least previously, but once Connie pointed it out it seemed all too prevalent. “I mean… _they_ are me, but _we_ aren’t me… or… something like that.”

Despite the vagueness, Connie still seemed to understand. “Kind of like the whole ‘can a set of all sets include itself’ thing, right?”

“We have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh. Well, it’s… whatever, it’s not important. I get what you’re saying though.” She hummed to herself, playing at her lip. “Could call you ‘Universe’, since you all have the same last name.”

Steven grimaced. “It sounds kind of formal, though,” said Castor.

“Mm. Fair. Do either Castor or Pollux have middle names?”

“Yes, because Pollux is a huge nerd.”

“...you’re not _completely_ wrong,” admitted Pollux. “Our full names are, technically, Pollux Dioscuri Quartz-Universe, Castor Gemini Quartz-Universe, and of course, Steven Diamond Quartz-Universe.” He paused. “We don’t have separate titles though, as that was decided before the corruption.”

“Titles?”

“The Diamonds insisted we have some fancy, ‘proper’ title,” explained Steven. “Or, well, rather, for Little Homeworld to be officially under our jurisdiction- by which I mean Lime Pearl’s jurisdiction- we had to have a Court, yeah? Which meant our Court needed to have a name.”

“Since everyone agreed calling it the Pink Court was out of the question, the Diamonds had us come up with something,” continued Castor. “The end result was actually Hazel’s idea though, she gets the main credit here. She suggested the title of ‘Star Diamond’, mostly ‘cause we always wear stars n’ all that.”

“And because calling it the Crystal Court would be politically unwise.”

“Yeah, that too.”

“Huh.” Connie kept tapping her nails, keeping up some rhythm only she could hear. “I could just call you ‘Star’, if you like. Though that might be too formal as well.”

“No, it’s…” Steven- _Star-_ could practically see the lights in their eyes. “It’s perfect.” They grinned, ivory-white fangs curling beneath a lopsided sort of joy, and Connie couldn’t help but grin back.

“I’ll still refer to you guys individually, yeah? ‘Star’ can just be sort of, all three of you, as…” She gestured vaguely in their direction. “You.”

“...thank you,” said Pollux, diverting Star’s gaze away from her as an awkward sort of blush crept over their face.

“What, for giving you guys a different name?”

“No, for- for making us feel…”

“Normal.”

Connie’s smile dimmed and softened, and she moved away from the counter to sit directly next to them. “My normal is _you,_ ” she said softly, taking two of their hands in her own. “No matter what you look like, or what names you have, that isn’t going to change.”

“Connie… you- you shouldn’t-”

“I’m not going to just give up everything for you,” she continued, her tone determined, yet gentle. “I have my own life, my own wants and needs. But I will always, _always,_ come back to you, in some way or another.”

Star could already feel the tears dripping down their cheeks, but they didn’t move to wipe them away, holding Connie’s two hands in their four, watching her face, but never forcing her to look them in the eye. They could barely think, let alone speak.

So Pollux made a decision, and, being ever-so-careful, constantly aware of their horns, their claws, their almost-tusks, Star kissed Connie- not quite on the lips, but not entirely on the cheek, either. 

Connie made a decision of her own.

Taking their chin in her hands, she kissed them back, her lips against theirs, and kept them there, just for a moment, before the two pulled away, slowly, intentionally.

Connie and Star stared at each other in an unspoken sort of disbelief, neither one wanting to break the silence, as if it were some kind of holy seal, as if a single word would break the spell, as if one of them might wake up and realize this was all a dream.

“Your breath smells like coffee,” said Castor.

And Connie just laughed, and so Star laughed too, and the perfect silence was torn to shreds by a beautifully imperfect joy, as two best friends realized there was no such thing as being ‘more’ than that. They weren’t ‘just’ friends.

They were just them.

They were just Jam Buds.

And that was all they needed to be, because what that meant was, and always would be, up to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _In other words, hold my hand  
>  In other words, baby, kiss me_
> 
> _Fill my heart with song  
>  And let me sing forever more  
> You are all I long for  
> All I worship and adore  
> In other words, please be true  
> In other words, I love you_


	54. Normal

Amethyst had interrupted them shortly after… all of that, telling them that she’d been back for a while now, but had seen that they were talking about something important.

She’d _also_ informed them that she had really, _really_ wanted to burst through the door at the _worst_ possible moment, but had decided to save that for when everyone was “less emotionally fucked-up”.

Steven- and he _was_ just ‘Steven’, when his components’ words were in his head and not out loud- helped Connie with the rest of her packing while he waited for Centi to arrive. It turned out that ‘helping’ _mostly_ just meant holding various stuff for her while she tried to remember which bag it went in, but, as Amethyst pointed out, he _was_ rather well suited to the job.

She got an empty waterbottle chucked at her head for it, but according to her declaration while she hid behind the kitchen counter, it was _completely_ worth it.

Half an hour before Centi was scheduled to arrive, Steven remembered he’d forgotten something _rather_ important, and reacted with a frustrated groan. Connie simply looked over him with an amused curiosity. “Oh?”

“I don’t know if Centi or Hazel were on the list of people that Jasper knows are okay,” explained Steven, playing at the seams of his skirt.

“Ohhh. I can try to go find her and let her know, if you like,” Connie offered. Steven shook his head.

“No, I- uh-” He glanced over at Amethyst, who was busily rooting around through the fridge. “I’ll be able to hear her gem. You won’t.”

“Do the Gems still not know about that?”

Steven grimaced. “No, and… I dunno, when I tried to tell them about it they were really, _really_ freaked out.”

Connie frowned. “How long ago was that, though? You said you’ve been able to do this since you were a kid, right?”

“Yeah. I think it was about the same time I moved in with them. I dunno, I…” Steven sighed. “If it comes up I’ll try to talk about it again.”

“Mm.” Connie nodded, and returned to the folding of her shirts. “Do you think it’s a Diamond thing, maybe?”

“I doubt it, seeing as Yellow and Blue didn’t ‘recognize’ me when I was put on trial,” said Steven, handing Connie one of her bags. “Well- hmm. I mean, I can’t hear _that_ far, and they are pretty big… but they can still hear other Gems just fine, so…” He huffed. “I dunno. I guess it doesn’t really matter.”

“I can go with you, if you want,” said Connie. “To talk to Jasper, I mean.”

“...yeah. That would be nice,” said Steven. “We should probably do that now, just in case.”

“Oh no you don’t,” replied Connie, glaring at him. “If this stuff is still out when Pearl leaves the Temple, I’m _never_ gonna find _any_ of my stuff again. Now, you keep folding these, and I’m going to try and figure out where the hell I put my toothbrush.”

* * *

It wasn’t all that long past sunrise still, but Steven could hear the tell-tale sounds of Jasper’s gemstone, humming with a faint, contained energy, as soon as he and Connie were out on the beach. His dad’s van was still locked up, but Steven didn’t bother waking his dad up, figuring he needed his sleep. Instead he gestured for Connie to follow him along the beach, and towards the forest where Jasper lived.

“Maybe she’s not patrolling again yet?” suggested Connie as the two of them ran carefully along the shore, just slow enough that they wouldn’t be out of breath.

“No, she’s- she’s heading towards us,” said Steven, before stopping in his tracks, making Connie nearly bump into him. “Sorry! Sorry. I, um…” He frowned. “Hold on. Where is…?”

“Right here, little Diamond.”

Steven jumped in place, briefly summoning his shield on instinct as he gave a chirp of surprise. Next to him, Connie already had a knife in her hand. With a roll of her golden-flame eyes, Jasper stepped out from underneath the cavernous shadows of the abandoned docks- the docks that had been destroyed by Orange Spodumene in her corrupted form, which lay between the Temple and the forest, creating a path that was hidden from the town’s view.

Steven stared at Jasper with wide eyes. “Wh- how did you-?”

“I have my tricks,” was Jasper’s only answer, offered alongside a casual shrug. She peered at Steven, her lips pulled back in a disapproving frown that wasn’t quite a snarl. “You’re _fused_ again.”

“Yes.” Steven didn’t let his song waver, no matter how awkward Jasper’s constant gaze made him feel. “I- I _know_ you don’t approve, but I’m not-”

“I never said that,” said Jasper tersely. “I still don’t know _what_ you are, let alone how I _feel_ about it. But you’re still my Diamond.”

Steven sighed. “Right. Yeah. That’s… yeah.”

“You’re back to patrolling the beach again?” asked Connie, trying to interrupt the growing tension. Jasper gave a nod and a huff in response. “Do you remember what people Pearl told you to allow in?”

“I don’t know their _names,_ ” said Jasper with a frustrated wave of a hand. “The P- _Crystal Pearl_ gave me photos, and that’s it.”

“Oh. Well, uh, were Hazel and Centi on that list?”

“Hazel is, yeah,” Jasper confirmed. “I don’t know what a Centi is.”

“She’s a Nephrite,” explained Steven. “She’s, uh, uncorrupted, she’s got an eye gemstone?”

Jasper cocked her head to the side. “Big mane like a Quartz, weird sorta beak-face?”

“Yeah, that’s her! She’s, uh…” Steven trailed off, blushing. “She’s coming to visit me, make sure nothing went… wrong. With, uh, with the… corruption scars.”

Jasper just nodded. “I’ll remember.”

Steven smiled. “Thank you.”

Jasper bowed her head to him as she leant back against one of the fallen supports. “My Diamond.”

“Uh… Jasper,” replied Steven with a similar bow of the head, uncertain what else to say. As he walked off with Connie back to the Temple, though, he noticed Jasper frowning at him.

If he didn’t know better, he’d say she looked almost hurt.

* * *

“Do you… do you not like it when she calls you that?” asked Connie quietly as they walked back to the Temple

“What? ‘My Diamond’? Of course we don’t.”

“Star, I- I think that’s her way of showing respect to you. I mean, I don’t know enough to say for sure, but…”

Star kept one pair of hands shoved deep in their jacket pockets and threw the other pair up in emphasis. “I don’t want her to look up to us! She’s not- ugh, I don’t know how to word this…”

“She’s one of the few people that doesn’t either treat us like a child, or treat us like… well, a Diamond. Or rather, she was.”

“It was… nice. Not having that responsibility, I guess.”

“She told me, um…” Connie frowned in thought. “She said that you used to talk with her a lot. That you’d come to her to vent.”

“...yeah, well… that ended with us killing her.”

“Why? I mean… did you… did you mean to?”

“Wh- _no!_ Of course not! We just… she kept saying she could take it, that we didn’t have to… to hold back. So, we didn’t, and…”

“She couldn’t take it.”

“We should’ve been more careful, but… we weren’t.”

“And… that’s when she started calling you her Diamond, isn’t it?”

Star nodded. “After we… after we healed her, we bubbled her, left her in the Temple house. I guess Bismuth must’ve been the one to let her out. We…” They sighed. “After that, after… um…”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve pushed you to talk about this.”

“No, no, we’re the one who brought it up anyways. But, yeah… her calling us that, it just… I dunno. It’s just another reminder of…” Star sighed, not finishing their sentence.

They didn’t really need to, though.

“...if it helps, I think it’s more of a begrudging respect than anything else,” mused Connie. “She respects you, sure, but she’s not happy about it.”

Star just laughed. “Actually, y’know what? _Yeah._ That _does_ help.”

* * *

Upon returning to the Obsidian Temple, Star and Connie found that their discussion with Jasper might’ve been pointless, as Centi had already arrived and made herself at home. Greg had greeted them out on the beach, as he was finishing up putting away Connie’s luggage into the van, save for what things she might still need before she left.

Inside, Pearl and Amethyst were sitting on the couches, chatting amicably with Centi about, well… about Steven.

“ -shown any issues with fine motor control? Being able to move his hands with a level of precision and all that,” came the tail end of Centi’s inquiry.

“He usually just keeps ‘em in his pockets,” answered Amethyst. “I think he might be kinda embarrassed, y’know?”

“I’m still worried about him,” mused Pearl. “I know you keep saying he’s fine, but- you haven’t _seen_ him, he- he isn’t-”

Steven made sure to step loudly into the house, trying and succeeding at catching Amethyst and Pearl’s attentions. “We’re back.”

“Steven!” Pearl’s cheeks blushed a robin’s egg blue as she noticed his presence. “I, uh, didn’t hear you coming in.”

The only response was an awkward silence, a tension that hung in the air with a palpable weight. Centi’s eye darted this way and that, while everyone else was determined to avoid any sort of eye contact.

Connie sighed. “I’m… I’m gonna see if Mr. Greg needs any help packing.”

“I’ll help!” offered Pearl almost instantly, practically herding Connie and Amethyst out the door. “Yes, yes, let’s do that-”

The door slammed against the frame, and Steven sighed as he pulled off his jacket and let it fade to embers. “Call me crazy but I think Pearl might still be freaked out by all this.”

“Is she uncomfortable around you?” asked Centi, standing up from where she sat. Steven shrugged.

“Not usually, but, uh, I think she kind of blames herself for, uh…” Rather than say anything, he gestured vaguely at himself. “Y’know.”

“For your corruption.”

“Yeah.”

“Hmm.” Centi tilted her head to the side, clicking softly. “It may be best for us to move to your room, yes? I, ah, will unfortunately need to remove your garments at some point.” She blushed lime green. “I promise you it is for a constructive reason.”

Steven chuckled. “Yeah, sure.” He gestured for Centi to follow him, leading her up the stairs. The doorknob had been replaced some time the previous night, though the replacement was being held together by duct tape, so Steven figured it was probably Amethyst’s work with some help from his dad.

His room was… _kind_ of a mess, if he was being honest. He hadn’t really been letting Pearl in to help him clean up, even though he knew he ought to. Centi didn’t seem to pay any mind though, retrieving a holo-screen from within her gemstone. “Crystal Amethyst informed me of the basics,” she said, sitting down gracefully on the foot of the bed. “I _would_ like to run through the story with you, though, to ensure I’m aware of any details she might’ve missed out on.”

“Uh. Okay.”

Centi seemed to have the general idea as to what’d happened, with Castor and Pollux splitting up, with the horns and markings and tusks appearing on them individually, with them fusing again and passing the corruption scars on to Steven.

“You stated that Castor’s horns appeared _gradually,_ yes?” asked Centi with a curious chirp. “When did you initially notice this?”

Steven grimaced. “It, uh… the horns didn’t show up on _Castor_ first. They showed up on _me._ That was- that was what made us split. We… we didn’t know what to do.”

Centi nodded, clicking softly to herself. “Did both your components have the beginnings of the corruption scars, then?”

“N- no, um, just Castor.” Steven paused. “When, um, when Pollux reformed though, he had, uh, horns and tusks and stuff? And with Castor, the horns and markings just kinda, showed up and got worse and worse over time.”

“Was it painful?”

Steven sighed. “I… no, not really. Well, Castor had a really bad headache for a while? Like, the area around the horns kinda hurt. It’s still kinda sore,” he added, running a claw over one of his own brilliant pink horns. “But, um… it wasn’t as painful as… as when it first happened.”

“Mm.” Centi tapped a stylus against the holo-screen. “Just to, ah, take inventory, if you will: Castor had two dark, blunted horns, as well as irregular, pale pink markings, while Pollux had two white, curved horns, and tusks on either side of his face. Is that everything?”

“No, um… Pollux had sort of, like, scales? On the side of his neck?” Steven tapped at the three places where Pollux could remember the scales being. “Same kind of color as the horns n’ stuff. And- and Castor had sort of, uh, I think they were spikes or something? Running down his back, right on his spine. I think I have those too, actually,” Steven muttered to himself, running his two right hands down the length of his spine, and feeling irregular protrusions as he went.

“Anything else?”

“I, uh… I don’t know. I don’t really have a frame of reference as to what w- what they looked like before all this.”

“Fair enough.” Centi jotted down a few more notes in Gemglyph- Steven could read the language decently enough, but not when looking at it in reverse. “Do you have any scars of your own besides the horns and secondary arms?”

“Scars? You mean like my eye?”

“Ah, no, not exactly, though I suppose that could technically count,” said Centi. “I meant ‘scars’ as in corruption scars, in this instance.” She paused. “Have you been wearing your eyepatch at all?”

“Huh? Oh, uh, no, not really,” said Steven. “I can kind of see, like, light and shadow and movement again? So, uh…” He shrugged. “I figured I didn’t need it anymore.”

Centi sighed, closing her eye. “That’s… Steven, the best thing you can do for your eye right now is to not wear it out, to let it heal by resting. The less external stimulus it receives, the better.”

“Wh- no-one ever said _anything_ about _that!_ ”

“I know, I know, and I apologize,” said Centi. “Might I request you put it back on now, though? So that neither of us should forget.”

Steven sighed, but got up to comply. “Yeah, alright.” The eyepatch was sitting on his vanity, thankfully, and through whatever magic or technology was imbued in it, it stayed on his face without further assistance. Putting it on, he realized that having that eye closed was actually a lot more comfortable than he’d realized.

“I do still need you to answer the query as to what differences you’ve noticed since your corruption,” said Centi politely. “Even if it’s something minor.”

“Uh…” Steven rubbed at the back of his head. “I used to be a bit paler, I think? Which was weird ‘cause I was out in the sun a _lot,_ but, uh, my skin’s kind of a darker pink now. And, my claws used to be kind of a magenta color?” He flexed his claws in and out to display the darker hue they’d since taken on. “But now my freckles are all magenta-y. Oh, and, uh- there’s these sort of… I _think_ they’re tusks? Or something like that,” said Steven, pulling back at the side of his lip to display the small, crystalline growths that stemmed from his lower jaw.

Centi nodded. “And you noticed all these after your components came Together again?”

“No, no, uh, the color changing stuff was right after I was, um… I noticed it when I was still in the hospital,” answered Steven. “The tusks are kinda new though. Do you, um- do you really have to have me answer all this stuff?”

“Yes,” answered Centi with a sympathetic song. “Steven, there is…” She sighed. “I will be as honest as I can with you, and simply say this: with consideration to who and what you are, and with consideration to your circumstances? This is, essentially, _quite_ normal.”

“Wh- what does that mean?” exclaimed Steven. “This is- none of this is normal! I- I don’t-”

“You were corrupted,” said Centi slowly. “It does not matter who you are, you simply _do not_ come back from that without being _irreversibly_ altered, for better or for worse.” She smiled at him, some amount of bitterness seeping in. “Some would argue you were rather lucky, actually.”

“ _Lucky!?_ How was I _lucky?_ ”

“You are still recognizable as yourself,” said Centi calmly, carefully. “Your face was not altered.”

Steven froze, his anger falling away to something like guilt as Centi’s words set in. He had no idea what she’d looked like before being corrupted, but… it wasn’t hard to guess that the beak wasn’t something she’d chosen. “I- I didn’t…” His shoulders fell. “I’m sorry.”

“You are forgiven,” said Centi, laughing to herself. “And, I should note, not alone in your anger. I had the fortune to be with my crew when the Corrupting Light hit; when healed, we had each other. You were alone in your corruption. And…” She looked over at the door. “It is difficult to feel normal when surrounded by those unlike you. In comparison to other Humans, and in comparison to standard Gems, yes, you _are_ abnormal. But just because you are alone _here,_ does not mean you are truly _alone._ ”

For a moment, the only sound was that of Centi’s stylus tapping at her hard-light screen. Steven didn’t look up, didn’t meet her gaze.

“Can we, um… can we keep going with this?” asked Steven quietly. “I, uh- I wanna say bye to Connie before she heads home.”

“If you like,” responded Centi cheerfully. “Though unfortunately the next thing I must do is ensure that none of the scars are growing wrong, as that can become quite painful.”

“This is the part where I have to take my clothes off, isn’t it.”

“You can leave your undergarments on,” Centi replied, blushing. Steven just sighed and started on the frustrating task of taking his top off without ripping it and/or getting it caught on his horns. As he did so, Centi continued talking. “Have you been able to access your usual abilities again? Summoning your weapon and the like.”

“Uh- yeah, I think so,” said Steven once he’d placed his top onto his bed and started pulling off his skirt. “I mean, I haven’t been _using_ them a lot? But everything’s been working okay, I think.” To demonstrate, he summoned his shield. Centi clucked to herself, looking at it curiously.

“Interesting. I assume the alterations to your weapon were not intentional?”

“Alterations? What’re you…” Steven trailed off as he took hold of his shield and tilted it towards himself. “Oh, gosh, I didn’t even…”

His shield was still the same as it had been since the incident with the Rejuvenator, with the single swirl around a star in the centre. But now that swirl was decorated with thorns- not just patterns, but raised thorns, jutting off the curved surface. Almost on instinct, Steven pulled at it- not physically, but mentally- and the thorns flared up, all pointing forwards, ready to strike.

“This sort of weapon alteration is quite normal,” Centi assured him. “More often than not, I might note, they tend to be beneficial alterations. Not, ah, not _always,_ but often.”

“Jasper’s crash helmet had horns on it,” Steven mused to himself, staring at his shield. Paying relatively little attention to his mutterings, Centi stood up, startling Steven by running a claw down his back. “Wh- warning next time!”

“Very sorry!”

Centi ran her hands over each irregular protrusion that grew from Steven’s back, most of which had pushed through the skin, appearing as pink crystalline growths. “I would imagine these will grow to be somewhat larger,” mused Centi. “They also seemed to be connected to muscle rather than bone; have you been having any significant back pain?”

“Uh, no, not really.”

“Mm. You will, soon, I should think,” she told Steven. “There are also what appear to be the beginnings of larger markings in certain areas, however, it’s _entirely_ possible they’re simply irregularly dense clusters of freckles.”

Centi allowed Steven to put his clothing back on afterwards, which they were both rather thankful for, though she did have to briefly examine his hands and feet as well- “A very common trait among uncorrupted Gems is the alteration of one’s foot structure, which can be _quite_ irritating to get used to.” After briefly sanitizing her hands, she looked over Steven’s teeth with a small flashlight, informing him that the not-quite-tusks seemed to be the only change.

Finally she sat back down with a contented sigh, returning the holo-screen to her gemstone. “That is all!” she declared. “I provide to you a clean bill of health.”

Steven frowned, looking down at his hands. “...if you say so.”

“I _do_ say so,” insisted Centi. “Truthfully, I do understand much of what you’re going through, Steven. It is… _frightening,_ to look in the mirror and see something else looking back at you. I… I have not interacted with another Nephrite outside of my crew since I was healed,” she admitted. “I cannot bear the idea of seeing someone who looks how _I_ once did, who looks…”

“Normal,” finished Steven quietly.

“ _Normal,_ ” agreed Centi. “If… if you are in need of company, I offer to you that very many of the Gems in the Little Homeworld have dealt with these feelings of not belonging as well, whether they be uncorrupted, off-color, fusions, or simply those who acted outside their caste.”

“Yeah, but- I don’t want them treating me like… like a _Diamond,_ ” said Steven. “I don’t want to have to _deal_ with that.”

Centi nodded. “I understand. The offer _is_ still present, though, but you are under _no_ obligation to accept it if you don’t wish to, yes?” She smiled. “We are not going anywhere, after all.”

* * *

Leaving Steven with that thought, with that promise, Centi said her goodbyes, and left the room and the Temple house.

Steven still sat there, repeating those words in his head:

_We are not going anywhere, after all_


	55. The Truth Is...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So everything is going to be okay?"  
> "What? No."  
> "Wh- you lied to them?!"  
> "Look Steven, it's not lying when you're the mayor, it's _politics._ "  
> "...it is?"  
> "Of course it is. Let me tell you something- when you work for the government, you can't control what happens in the world, but you _can_ control how people feel about it."

**unknown number**  
[] Greetings  
[] Is this the number of Steven Universe

 **steven <3**  
[] um  
[] who wants to know?

 **unknown number**  
[] I am His Radiance’s Pearl, known as Hazel

 **steven <3**  
[] Hazel!!!!! oh my gosh, hi!!  
[] i mean, uh, yeah, it’s me!

 **unknown number**  
[] Oh, excellent; Crystal Pearl’s information was correct then

[ **unknown number** has been changed to **Hazel** ]

 **steven <3**  
[] haha, yeah, i wanted to text you but the status thing said you were busy?  
[] and i figured you might be weirded out if someone you didnt know just started texting you  
[] so i figured id ask Pearl if she could have you text me instead

 **Hazel**  
[] A fair conclusion  
[] I will be arriving in person shortly; I should like to ask if there was a pressing reason you needed to text me beforehand  
[] Not that I am complaining, of course

 **steven <3**  
[] oh! uhh  
[] okay, so like  
[] um  
[] how… up-to-date are you on  
[] uh  
[] stuff

 **Hazel**  
[] Steven that is an incredibly vague query

 **steven <3**  
[] ...Castor and Pollux unfused  
[] we, um  
[] it wasnt  
[] it was an accident, and  
[] gosh, i just

 **Hazel**  
[] Crystal Pearl informed me of your corruption scars  
[] Not in any detail, she simply told me they were present

 **steven <3**  
[] oh  
[] that’s good? i think?  
[] that she told you, i mean

 **Hazel**  
[] My feelings towards you will not be altered by your appearance, my Diamond  
[] ...I apologize. You stated previously that you were uncomfortable with that title

 **steven <3**  
[] yeah, uh… i dunno  
[] it’s complicated  
[] it’s, uh  
[] i think it’s okay when you call me that? cuz i know you dont really treat me any differently  
[] or like  
[] youre not bowing and saluting and acting like im the sun’s gift to gemkind  
[] or, uh, acting like im gonna shatter you

 **Hazel**  
[] If you had intended to shatter me, you would have done so already  
[] And if I wish to praise you, it will not be something idle or impersonal

 **steven <3**  
[] gosh  
[] youre gonna make me cry or something  
[] when’d you get so sappy??

 **Hazel**  
[] I am being honest, my Diamond  
[] I do wish to know, though, if there is anything further you wish to discuss

 **steven <3**  
[] no, uh, i just wanted to make sure i didnt freak you out or anything

 **Hazel**  
[] Of course  
[] I will see you soon, my Diamond

 **steven <3**  
[] you too, Hazel! <3

* * *

Steven had texted Pearl to let her know she could come back into the Temple house since Centi had left, but that he was going to be staying in his room for a little bit while they waited for Hazel to arrive. Pearl didn’t ask why, thankfully.

Steven wanted to be able to wait a little while longer before having to explain… well, _them._

“We should get ready or something, though, right!?”

“There isn’t anything more we need to do, as it stands.”

“Wh- I mean, like-” Castor gestured vaguely at their shared body. “Shouldn’t we dress up nice for Hazel? Y’know, more, Diamond-y?”

“Cass, we don’t need to dress up for her,” insisted Steven.

“We also haven’t much in our wardrobe that would be considered befitting of our rank,” added Pollux. “What we’re wearing now is already the closest we’re likely to get, especially considering it displays our gemstone.”

Castor groaned. “No, you’re right, you’re right, I’m just… ugh, I don’t know why I’m so freaked out about this!”

“I know,” agreed Steven, steering them to sit down at the foot of their bed, watching their reflection in the mirror. “It’s just Hazel, right? We know her pretty well…”

“We don’t know much _about_ her, though.”

“Does that matter?”

“Mm… no. Not really.”

Steven sighed, holding two of their hands out in front of them, rubbing a thumb back and forth over one palm. “I guess, like… I dunno. She was there with us for more of… of…”

“Our corruption?”

Steven nodded. “More than anyone else. Connie was there, at the end, so was Dad, but Hazel… even before we knew- or, well, _admitted_ what it was, she… she never pushed or anything, yeah? I think she knew something was wrong, but…”

“We wouldn’t let anyone help,” said Pollux quietly. “So she helped in the only way she could. She was simply _there._ ”

“Exactly! And like- we don’t know anything about how Homeworld works, and, she’s been spending this whole time keeping people off our back, and- even now, with this whole announcement thing! She’s been working constantly and I don’t think she’s asked for something _once!_ ”

“In fairness, I don’t think she’s actually _capable_ of asking questions-”

“ _That’s not what I meant and you know it-_ ”

“We want to be someone who deserves what she’s done for us,” interjected Castor.

“Yes!” Steven threw his arms out wide. “Yeah, like- all the stuff with the Diamonds, I mean- the only reason they even _listened_ to us is ‘cause they thought we were Mom, right?”

“Because they thought that of _Pollux,_ ” corrected Castor.

Pollux frowned. “Castor, don’t…”

“I’m just saying! I’m not the Diamond here, yeah?” Castor laughed. “I, uh, I just live here. But seriously though, do you really think White would’ve given a single shit about any of this if _you_ hadn’t proved her wrong? Honestly, like… I _really_ don’t want the Diamonds to know about me. I don’t, uh…” Castor gave a nervous giggle. “I don’t want them to decide they don’t need some dumb organic holding you back.”

“You’re not holding me back.”

“Doesn’t matter if you are or not, d’you really think they’ll see it that way?”

“...no.”

“Thought so.”

“That’s settled then: the other Diamonds _cannot,_ under _any_ circumstances, know about you two,” agreed Steven. “...jeez, I know Connie was just joking earlier, but like… how do most people function _without_ other people in their head?”

“No idea!”

“Mm.”

“I feel like we’re forgetting something.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“SHIT WE NEVER SAID GOODBYE TO CONNIE-”

* * *

Steven had found Connie hanging out in the back of his dad’s van patiently waiting for him, and just laughed as he apologised over and over again, and instead just hugged him as tightly as she could. They joked around for a bit, with Connie noting that if his horns got any longer, he might have a technical height advantage over her eventually. It wasn’t until she got a worried text from her mother that Connie finally pulled herself away and into the van.

A cool breeze from the ocean pushed its way onto the beach as Steven walked up to the Temple, inciting him to summon his jacket and button it up to cover his gemstone- the gem itself wasn’t terribly sensitive to cold, but the skin around it could be. This whole summer had been a bit on the chilly side, meaning that, for Steven, having his jacket on hand at all times was all the more convenient.

Inside, Amethyst was sitting upside-down on the couch playing video games, now that the TV had been set up in the living room. Pearl, meanwhile, was preparing some tea for herself, as well as Hazel, most likely. Pearl didn’t actually _drink_ the tea, but rather, preferred it simply for its aroma. According to Connie, the resulting mixture was far from potable, but Steven didn’t think it tasted _that_ bad. Sure he wasn’t the biggest fan of it, but it wasn’t the worst.

Apparently, though, you weren’t really _supposed_ to make tea from chopped lavender, garlic cloves, and coffee grounds. Whatever. Pearl was already a rebel anyways, what did she care?

Pearl sang a wordless greeting as she saw Steven come downstairs, and he responded to her in kind, sitting down next to Amethyst to see what she was playing. It was some kind of fighting game he didn’t recognize, but she seemed to be winning. “You can join in after this level,” she offered, briefly nodding to a controller that was plugged in but left on the floor.

“Mmm, I dunno how long it’ll be until Hazel gets here,” said Steven. “I don’t wanna have to leave you on your own halfway through.” Amethyst replied with an understanding hum, a rhythm of discordant drums and cymbals. Still, Steven sat next to her, constantly aware of his arms and keeping them tucked as close to himself as he could.

It was barely fifteen minutes later that the warp pad in the observatory illuminated with a pale blue light. The path from there and to the house was pretty straightforward, but… Steven waited a few minutes, and no-one came down, nor did the pad activate again.

“I’m gonna go see what’s going on,” he muttered as he got up from the couch, receiving a vague hum from Pearl and a ‘yeah, whatever’ from Amethyst. The path to the observatory had been redesigned a few times now, and there was now a walkway with a large, obvious awning that led into the very front of the Temple, where the local warp pad was. The original design was only intended for Steven’s use, or the other Crystal Gems, but with the possibility of visitors, it had to be updated.

Steven went up the stairs from the Temple’s entrance and onto the wood landing, and could see immediately that, yes, Hazel Pearl had arrived safe and sound, but, she’d also brought a visitor with her. Frowning, Steven hurried up the stairs and into the observatory. The moment the door opened, he was met with the sound of an argument.

“ - won’t listen to you!”

“There is no reason they should not. It isn’t abnormal for a Pearl to make announcements on their Diamond’s behalf.”

Standing in front of Hazel was an Agate with long flowing hair that contrasted her relatively simplistic bodysuit and capulet. She was painted in subdued reds and oranges, save for her eyes, which were the color of a tundra quarry. “That’s not the issue!” the Agate argued. “You’ve got a rep, Hazel, ‘specially after the stuff with your A-”

“I don’t see how that’s relevant,” Hazel interrupted, one hand holding onto a holo-screen and the other clenched at her side. “I have done nothing that was unwarranted.”

“They won’t see it that way, you know that.” The Agate opened her mouth to say something further, then noticed Steven in the doorway and gave an awkward laugh. “Oh, uh, didn’t see ya there! You must be one of the Gems from the Little Homeworld down the way, yeah?”

“...something like that,” Steven replied awkwardly, realizing that most Gems had only ever seen him at a distance and with his gemstone visible. With his jacket buttoned up, he really did look like an off-color Chalcedony. “What’s going on?”

“This is Fairburn Agate,” Hazel explained as the Agate gave a brief wave. “I can assure you I did not intend to have her come along, however, she is insistent that it would be a bad idea for me to present the announcement.”

“‘s nothing against Hazel herself!” Fairburn Agate defended quickly. “Really, love her to bits, but there’s a lotta upper-crusts who’ve got it out for her for one reason or another. I’ve managed to lay low for the most part, fly under the radar. Plus I’ve got the bonus of being a decently high caste, high enough that those clods’ll see me as one a’ their own,” she explained.

“What my previous reputation is, is irrelevant,” Hazel argued, her face pulled into a tight frown.

_This is important to her… but why?_

_What does she value? What does she get out of this?_

“Hazel, is… is there a reason why you want to do this?” asked Steven softly, looking at her with concern. “I mean, I’m not saying I know better than you do! But she is making good points, and, you seem kind of frustrated about all this.”

Hazel looked away. “...it’s not important. You are right, she is making a good argument. She very probably is a better candidate-”

“That- Hazel, I don’t care about the announcement right now. I’m more worried about you.”

Hazel’s gaze shot back up with surprise. “You are worried about me,” she parroted, confused. “I am… please do not worry about me. Your safety is more important than my comfort.”

“The little lady’s right, Hazel,” said Fairburn Agate. “Look, I… I get it, okay? You’re scared. I don’t blame ya. But you said it yourself, the most important thing here is ensuring that Era 3 continues, and that means ensuring your Diamond’s success. If Star Diamond falls, we’re all janked.”

Steven and Hazel looked at each other in a moment of shared awkwardness. “Do you want me to say something, or…?”

“What? There something going on?”

Hazel held her face in her hands, giving a static-like sigh. “Fairburn Agate, meet Steven Quartz-Universe, holder of the title of Star Diamond.”

“ _...ah._ ”

Steven gave an awkward shrug, then unbuttoned his jacket enough to show his gemstone, its rose-colored facets glittering under the observatory light. “Sorry I didn’t say something before.”

“Nah, it’s, uh…” Fairburn Agate stumbled over her words, looking a bit nervous. “Sorry I kinda barged into your house n’ all that. I can leave, if you want…”

Steven frowned. “I- no, you don’t have to-”

“That would be preferable,” stated Hazel, who added, to Steven, “I would much prefer being able to discuss the announcement itself with some measure of privacy. If you would like, I can message Fairburn to request that she return.”

“It’s fine either way,” Fairburn Agate reassured him. “I got other stuff I probably oughta be doin’ about now anyways.” She stepped back onto the warp pad, saluting him- not with the older diamond-shaped salute, but with the one that had come to symbolize Era 3, with one hand flat against her clavicle, and the other atop it, balled into a fist. “My Diamond.”

“Um… bye,” said Steven, waving awkwardly as Fairburn warped away.

“Query: Is Crystal Pearl present,” asked Hazel, quickly moving towards the door and out onto the landing, making Steven have to briefly run to catch up with her.

“Oh, uh, yeah! She made some tea for you- she doesn’t eat or drink, but she likes making tea ‘cause it smells really nice.”

“...ah. I see.” She pulled up her holo-screen again, skimming through pages of Gemglyph too quickly for Steven to process. “Is there anyone else present.”

“Just Amethyst, but my dad’ll be back once he’s done dropping Connie off at her house.”

“What is a dad.”

“Uh…” Steven grimaced. “It doesn’t really translate that well? He’s- well, he’s my Human parent, he helped raise me.”

“Do you believe he will be of any assistance or hindrance to our discussion.”

“Not that much? He’ll probably help out with making lunch in a little bit- do you eat at all? I know most Homeworld Gems don’t, but I figured I’d ask.”

“I do not, and I am not capable of shapeshifting,” Hazel replied. “It is not something I believe I would be interested in anyways, however.”

“Fair enough.”

As they entered the Temple, Amethyst briefly looked up from her game to greet them, but immediately continued with what she’d been doing. Pearl, on the other hand, practically dropped everything she was doing, greeting Hazel amicably. “Hazel! It’s good to see you again! I hope everything went well on the way here?”

Hazel stiffened ever so slightly, her face remaining impassive. “Nothing I could not deal with,” she replied, as monotone as ever.

“Oh, well, that’s good,” Pearl replied, bringing over a cup of tea. “I thought you might like this- not for the taste, but-”

“Steven already explained your intent,” Hazel interrupted. “I appreciate the thought, but will have to decline. Perhaps another time.”

“Oh, ah… of course…”

Hazel looked over at Steven again, her posture relaxing again. “Is there a particular place that would be best for us to sit.”

“We can sit out on the porch, if you want,” Steven suggested, recognizing that keeping the two Pearls near each other might not be the best idea. “There’s a little patio table out there that we never use.”

Hazel nodded. “That should be more than sufficient.”

* * *

The announcement in itself was simple enough, really. It went over the general facts of what happened, ensuring that enough of the story was completely true, so that the lies would be easier to accept. Pollux felt rather uncomfortable with that part, but, at the same time, he knew it was necessary. Not just for Star’s comfort, but for their safety as well.

Greg returned shortly after they’d already sat down, giving him a chance to meet Hazel properly- the last time they’d interacted, they’d been busy breaking Steven out of his own house, which hadn’t given them much time for introductions and the like. Greg seemed a bit uncomfortable around Hazel, but Star could tell he was still trying his best to be supportive, which was… good. It felt good.

There was a brief pause for the very important business of grilled cheese sandwiches, which Hazel seemed both fascinated and disgusted by.

Most of the discussion was simply fine-tuning things, really, changing the wording, revising a sentence or two. The end result wasn’t terribly long, but it was enough to get across the necessary message. Enough to tell people what had happened- and to offer an explanation as to why, even if it wasn’t completely accurate.

Star… Star felt like they should feel worse about what they were doing. Like they ought to be horrified. Yet at the same time, they knew why they were doing this, knew that it was for a good cause. If they showed some weakness in their armor, showed an exploitable fault…

They had become the face of Era 3. They had become the image of an Era where Gems could live without constant fear, and the moment that image was broken? Those same Gems might not have that safety anymore.

On Earth, they were Steven, Castor, and Pollux. But on Homeworld? They were Star Diamond. And that meant acting like it.

(The thing that hurt so much, though, was that this all felt so natural. Like they’d done this a thousand times before.)

_~~**SHE’S GONE** ~~ _

* * *

The announcement didn’t air until late that night, but it was broadcast to every holo-screen, listed under the highest level of priority. Fairburn Agate had dressed quite formally for the occasion, and when she spoke, any hint of the accent-like lilt to her song was gone, and her melody was plain and clear.

_“As many of you are aware, the Little Homeworld colony of Earth has been under strict radio silence for some time now. The colony is home to many Gems who came to find their own path in the new Era, as well as many uncorrupted Gems._

_“The Rebellion ended with the Corrupting Light; a massive attack from the Diamonds as revenge for the false shattering of Rose Diamond. Any Gems under the Light, irrelevant of caste, status, or clouding, became corrupted- forced into an altered form, incapable of sapient thought, often destructive in their confusion._

_“During the Second Rebellion, His Radiance Steven Universe worked with the other Crystal Gems to try and heal those who had been corrupted, regardless of what side they had been on. Unfortunately, it was impossible to undo the corruption without the other Diamonds, but at this time this was not known for a fact._

_“His Radiance did what he could to help those that had been hurt by his fellow Diamonds, but in the process, he himself was unknowingly affected. Corruption is not something that can be fought against, or even prevented, not even by a Diamond._

_“Inevitably, His Radiance was corrupted by the other Diamonds._

_“Mercifully, the damage to the area was much less than it could have been, and no Gems were shattered in the attack. His Radiance was subdued and healed, and has been spending this time recovering both physically and mentally._

_“His Radiance’s Pearl has been acting under his command and approval, and has been granted temporary power while His Radiance continues to heal. He has requested that he not have any visitors for the time being, and will continue his work via his Pearl._

_“For now, all we can do is pray to the Goddesses that our Diamond is able to recover swiftly.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there wasn't any chapter last week. I've been dealing with a lot of life stuff lately, and it's been wreaking havoc with my inspiration. I'm still gonna try and be getting a chapter out every Monday, but, if things get worse, I might have to make that every other Monday. Either way, though, I will _not_ be abandoning this story.


	56. Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In my head, I hear a million conversations_   
>  _I'm spinning out, don't wake me up until the end_   
>  _The rivers flowing in denial, I can't fake it_   
>  _I'm paranoid that all my thoughts are all my friends_

It’s the same dream again.

He’s in the Temple house, surrounded by the Gems, all of them staring at him, their weapons drawn. He tries to speak to them but no words come out, only a roar, a growl, a broken song.

They attack.

They attack, and he wakes up in his room, but he knows he’s still asleep. He looks in the mirror, and…

Oh.

He’s not changed. He’s still himself. He’s still inhuman and monstrous. Why would he need to change, when he’s already broken enough as it is?

He leans against the vanity, sighing as he closes his eyes and focuses. The false landscape of the dream drifts away like fog burnt by daylight, and he feels the cold wood beneath his hands fade into nothing. He opens his eyes again, and sees a familiar and yet unfamiliar sight.

He is Castor, bound by chains, his heart beating frantically in his chest.

He is Pollux, bound by chains, his song weaving swiftly through his form.

* * *

“We’re… we’re still shackled up like this,” Castor mutters, looking down at his wrists. “I guess it’s… it’s ‘cause we can’t really unfuse.” Neither of them draw attention to it, but both halves are aware of their own appearances- specifically the fact that they wear their own clothing, and not the costumes their mother once wore.

“We are _capable_ of it,” Pollux argues, though without any real passion behind his words.

“It’s not safe though. It’s not… we shouldn’t be split up. We shouldn’t- we need to stay Together.” The chains aren’t tight, nor are they short. Both halves have the freedom to move around, but… they’re still chained to their shared gemstone. To the pink facets below them.

“It isn’t good for us to be apart. We are not… mm. We are better when we are fused. We can help people that way. People are not…” Pollux looks away, the barest hint of frustration visible on his face. “People are not afraid of Steven.”

“Are they afraid of you?”

No words are spoken but there is a shared knowledge, a spark of memory, of understanding. Castor feels an ache of… guilt, almost, just below his heart, as he sees Lapis lashing out in fear, leaving Pollux unable to speak. _So that’s what he didn’t want to talk about that day…_

“When people see you they think of Steven. When they see me they think of Pink Diamond. And… it hurts.” To anyone else his voice would be plain and impassive, but Castor can feel the pain behind it, woven through it. “I don’t know how to act like… a real person. I think they expect me to. And when I don’t, they’re afraid, because Steven knows how to act like that.”

“I mean, can’t you… I guess, just, remember being Steven and doing that? Mimic his expressions, that sort of thing?”

“It… wouldn’t be real. I don’t want to lie to them.”

Castor starts to respond, but he’s cut off before he can.

It starts with a crackling of sparks, the thickness of smoke, a suffocating heat.

In the blink of an eye the world around them has gone up in acidic pink flames, and while he is still shackled to the ground, Castor can see nothing but a wildfire around him. He tries to call out for Pollux but

all he can hear is a roar.

* * *

Star awoke with a panicked gasp, desperately scanning their surroundings for any hint of the fire that had woken them.

Nothing.

They were… grateful for that, they were pretty sure. Grateful that the house wasn’t on fire, that is. Star groaned and fell back onto their pillows, trying to rub the sleep out of their eyes. After figuring that they weren’t going to fall back asleep after that, they actually made an attempt to get out of bed.

They stumbled slightly, their weary minds having not quite caught up yet. The balance issue hadn’t been getting any better, really, which was… concerning.

“We c’n bring it up t’ Crazy Lace soonish,” Castor mumbled through a yawn. “Maybe it’s like… this is, uh, like-” He gestured vaguely while trying to find the words. “Getting used to stuff? Or something?”

“You have such a way with words.”

“Shuddup, ‘m tired.”

* * *

By the time Star had gotten down the stairs- a slow, tedious process, making sure they didn’t faceplant into the ground- Greg had already set out a plate of eggs and apple slices for them. As with most mornings, Pearl and Amethyst were present as well, though on this occasion, Peridot had also joined, having brought the gift of a (hopefully) repaired toaster.

“Does it have a self-destruct button.”

“What? No, it’s a toaster.”

“Aww.”

Pearl hummed in thought as she skimmed through a transcript of the previous day’s announcement. “Hazel gave herself quite a bit of power with that, didn’t she?”

Star shrugged. “I mean, that was kind of the idea? It’s… we trust her, yeah?”

“Hmm.” Pearl frowned at the screen, but said nothing more. “Well, I’ve already gotten more than a few messages from well-wishers and the like, though I imagine that at least a few of them are from Gems trying to endear themselves to you.” Under her breath, she added, “Though that doesn’t seem to be hard to do, apparently.” Star wasn’t really sure what to think of that, but… they ignored it, for now. Everyone was happy, they didn’t want to make a scene.

“Yeah, Peri and I had to spend ages dodging people just to get outta Little Homeworld,” Amethyst added. “Wanted to know if they could come visit you in person. One of ‘em actually gave me chicken noodle soup to give to you.”

“Really?” asked Star, perking up a bit.

“I, uh… ate it on the way here.”

“Ah.”

“As much as I hate to say this, it’s lucky you guys roped Jasper into acting as a bodyguard when you did,” said Peridot, swinging her legs idly against her chair. “She’s very good at being intimidating.”

The conversation drifted after that, with Amethyst prompting Peridot to talk about a new project she’d started on, which managed to hold Pollux’s attention at least. Star also made sure to bring up the topic of meeting with Crazy Lace Agate again to Pearl. Otherwise, though, they didn’t really have much they wanted to talk about though- they kinda wanted to be alone today, if possible.

When they were younger they’d sort of… wander off, a lot, once they’d moved in with the Gems, and even more so once they could use the warp pad. If they knew the Gems were going to be gone a particularly long time, Star might vanish for days or even weeks, if they chose to. They knew the area like the back of their hand as a result, from the coast to the forest.

After negotiations with the Diamonds began, though, that wasn’t really possible anymore. They had a schedule, and if they didn’t stick to it, people would panic, which was… strange to them. It was the same once the Little Homeschool started. After… after they’d quit, they’d gone back to wandering on occasion, but it never felt quite the same. Before, they explored for the sake of exploring. But the older they got, the more it felt like they explored for the sake of running away.

They appreciated having Greg and the Gems around, they really did. But at the same time they felt almost claustrophobic in their own house. So, once they’d finished eating, they excused themselves and told everyone they’d be in the Cloud Room for a bit, which Peridot used as an opportunity to excuse herself as well and warp back to Little Homeworld.

Well. That was the plan, at least.

But the plan didn’t include Ruby bursting through the front door at high speeds mere moments after the warp's light faded.

“Uh,” said Star intelligently.

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” replied Ruby.

With a frustrated huff, Jasper trudged her way up the patio stairs, a level of exhaustion and irritation in her eyes that Star couldn’t help but empathise with. “ _You,_ ” growled Jasper, “ _had better have a good fucking explanation._ ”

“Jasper, there must be some kind of misunderstanding,” said Pearl sternly. “Ruby was on the list I gave you-”

“I don’t give a shit, she _punched me!_ ”

“YOU ASKED FOR IT!”

Star sighed, holding their face in their hands. “Could we please just calm down for like, five whole seconds? _Please?_ ”

“She started it!” insisted Ruby.

Jasper scowled at her, but obediently put her hands behind her back, her body language settling. “I apologize for the intrusion, my Diamond.” Ruby looked over at her, unsettled.

“Steven, you can’t possibly be okay with her-” Ruby froze, her expression morphing into one of horror. “Steven…? What… I didn’t…” Ruby’s hand moved to cover her mouth.

It actually took a moment before Star even realized the cause for Ruby’s reaction. Had their corruption scars really become so normalized to them already? “It’s okay, Ruby,” Steven told her reassuringly. “I’m okay.” Ruby nodded numbly. “What’s going on?”

“She was gonna stop me from coming to the Temple!” said Ruby, pointing at Jasper.

“I was stopping her, yes, but it was so I could see where her gem was,” Jasper explained. “I couldn’t tell if she was the Ruby you said was okay. I’m not good at telling people apart, alright? But then she started yelling at me and punched me in the face!” She pointed to a rather painful-looking burn mark on one of her cheekbones, which hadn’t quite faded away yet.

“You were chasing me!”

“Yeah, ‘cause you were running away!”

Steven could already feel the burning pink underneath his cheeks as he let the two continue bickering. They were both adults, they could solve their own problems, but he just had to step in, didn’t he? Though it wasn’t like anyone else was doing anything. He sighed, forcing the pink glow further and further down, forcing it back into his gemstone, and pushing his own anger away along with it.

“Look, guys… Ruby, you were in the wrong here, yeah, but, Jasper, you’re kinda making a big deal out of something small,” Steven said patiently. “Uh, no pun intended.”

Jasper looked about to argue, but huffed in agreement. “Whatever.”

Ruby sighed in relief. “Thanks, Steven.” Before he could respond to her, she kept going. “Oh, uh, right! I gotta talk to you about something, yeah? It’s really important!”

“But…” She _had_ been in the wrong, and she hadn’t made any kind of amends with Jasper. Even if Jasper didn’t care, Ruby was still brushing her off.

“Is Sapphire okay?” interrupted Pearl, concerned. Jasper narrowed her eyes at her, and, without saying anything, turned and left the way she came, her sea-green hooves clacking quietly against the wood. Steven wanted to call out to her, to say something, but… no. He would be the one making a big deal out of nothing, then. If Jasper didn’t care, he shouldn’t either… right?

“I don’t know!” exclaimed Ruby, grabbing at her hair. “After we split up she said she needed to do something? And- and then she just holed herself up in the main tower in Little Homeworld and no-one’s heard from her since then and now the door is iced over and- and-”

“Calm down, Ruby,” said Pearl soothingly, kneeling down to put her hands on Ruby’s shoulders. As she did so, Amethyst got up as well, but rather than move to Ruby, she went towards the Temple doors and motioned for Greg to follow her, letting the doors slam shut behind them. Steven was pretty sure Ruby and Pearl hadn’t even noticed. “Why don’t we just go talk to her? Try and work things out?”

Ruby nodded furiously. “That’s why I wanted to come get Steven, yeah? And, uh…” She glanced up at him. “I, um, I found some stuff for you.”

Before Steven could even ask, Ruby’s palm glowed a deep red, and an object materialized in the air where Steven could reach his hands out to catch it.

...it was his jacket. The pink jacket that he’d left in the caverns, but stitched back up, and cleaned of any blood. The needlework was shoddy in some places, but not so much that it wouldn’t be wearable. And on top of it all was something even more significant.

“My earring,” said Steven in something akin to reverence. The earring made of that little metal star that he’d worn for very nearly his entire life, until....

_~~“ **Help me?** I don’t know what you’re talking about, really. I’m fine!” ~~ _

_~~“Steven, this isn’t you! Whatever’s making you do this-”~~ _

_~~“Making me? No, no, no-one’s made us do **anything. This** is just **me.** ”~~ _

“I guess the jacket’s not really gonna work now, but, um…” Ruby rubbed at her arm awkwardly.

“You did just fine,” Pearl told her. “And you can still wear the earring, right, Steven?”

“Uh- yeah! I can,” Steven replied awkwardly. “I’m- I should probably put them on in front of a mirror though-”

“We don’t have time for that!” Ruby insisted. “We gotta go help Sapphire!”

Pearl nodded. “You’re right. Steven? You’re going to help, of course, yes?”

“Of course,” he replied without even thinking about it, adding a false smile. “I’m always here to help.”

* * *

_She didn’t even apologize-_

_ Jasper didn’t even care about that_

_ Not to Jasper! To… to us. _

_...it wasn’t her fault. We shouldn’t blame her. She doesn’t deserve that._

_ I don’t… she still hurt us though, didn’t she?_

_ That’s not important! _

_ No, no, you’re right. Helping her and Sapphire is more important. We should focus on that._

_ Yeah! We’re being helpful again!_

_ Why do we feel so tired then?_

_ I… I mean, we were gonna spend the day on our own, yeah? But that’s fine. We’re fine. We just gotta tough through this. For Garnet’s sake._

_ Yeah. We shouldn’t be selfish about this._

* * *

It wasn’t until they reached the gates that Steven realized this was the first time he’d been on the streets of Little Homeworld since… since he’d changed.

People knew now, though, right? Yeah, some of them were… staring at him, but that was to be expected! Besides, maybe some of them were new to Earth and weren’t accustomed to uncorrupted Gems at all, or were surprised to see a Diamond just walking around on the streets. It was fine.

And there was no reason for him to get so anxious whenever people stopped them or tried to talk to him. He just needed to keep pushing his Aura down and he’d be fine, right? They were happy to see him! He should be happy to talk to people again!

Yet for some reason, a wave of relief washed over him when they reached the central tower.

One of the floors was completely iced over, with frost covering the windows. Even from the ground, there was a chill to the air.

“If she keeps this up there’s gonna be structural damage,” said Bismuth by way of greeting, not bothering with anything else. “I hope you got some kinda plan, ki-” Her song cut off as she took in Steven’s appearance. “Stars above, kid, what…?”

“It’s a long story,” he muttered, feeling like he wanted the ground beneath his feet to swallow him whole. It’d be easier to deal with than this.

Bismuth nodded, still staring. “Well, uh… we got a Ruby squad to melt the ice around the door, but we can’t reach the walls outside; any fliers just get their wings frozen once they’re close enough, since all we’ve got are a few Lapis Lazulis and Aquamarines, no Seraphinites or Celestines or the like. Sapph’s put up a wall of ice inside the room itself, too, and she’s not letting anyone in.”

“Ruby and I can help her out,” Steven assured Bismuth, giving her a soft smile. “Just give us some time, yeah?”

Bismuth sighed. “Yeah. If you say so, kid.”

* * *

Even with Ruby walking alongside him, Steven was cold. He didn’t actually get cold all that often, which he mostly attributed to being part Gem. But this was almost ridiculous. He felt like he might lose the skin off his fingertips if he so much as touched the bannister, and his toes were already starting to go a bit numb.

_I just have to hold out until we can get Sapphire out of here. Then I can go take a hot bath or something. I’ll be fine._

As they finally reached the doorway that framed a wall of ice, Steven could see a vague shape of blue that he could only assume was Sapphire. Even through the ice, he could hear whispers of song, but couldn’t make out any of the notes.

“SAPPHIRE!” Ruby called out, cupping her hands around her mouth. “SAPPHIRE, YOU GOTTA GET OUT OF THERE! PLEASE!” The shape didn’t move, and Ruby let out a faint whimper.

“Can you try and melt some of the ice? I don’t know if we’re gonna be able to talk to her from out here,” Steven suggested. Ruby nodded, determined, and held her hands up to the wall. It melted quickly, leaving an oblong hole, and a puddle on the floor. Even still, Sapphire ignored them.

“Sapphire!” Ruby ran over to her, almost tripping over herself on the ice, but eventually kneeling down and putting her hands over Sapphire’s own. “I’m here, Sapphire…”

“It won’t be enough,” she replied flatly.

Ruby blinked. “Wha…?”

Sapphire turned her head to look over at Steven. “It won’t be enough,” she repeated. Her song sounded far away, like she wasn’t really there at all. “You will try, but if the foundation is unstable, you cannot build on it.”

Steven frowned. “Sapphire, what’re you…?”

“Just have to keep the world turning.”

“Sapphire, snap out of it!” insisted Ruby, shaking Sapphire by the shoulders. “Please, you’ve gotta wake up!”

“Another word for ‘cerise’ is ‘Cherry’...” she muttered vaguely. “The pine trees want to know your name when they do not know your face…”

“Is she okay?”

Ruby growled. “No! Obviously she isn’t!” Steven stepped back, startled. “She’s stuck in her Future Vision,” she explained. “It’s happened before- this isn’t even the worst it’s been, but… ugh, Rose was always the one to pull her out of it!”

_...did Ruby know Sapphire was like this?_

_Was this why she asked us, specifically, to help?_

“There are many species of parasitic plants,” said Sapphire calmly. “But that doesn’t mean that a symbiotic relationship is impossible. Just difficult.”

“SAPPHIRE!”

“I don’t know how to help her,” Steven admitted quietly. “I’m sorry.”

Ruby sighed, but nodded. “Alright. Time for plan B, I guess.”

“...plan B?”

“Zinnias are the first flower grown in space by H-”

Sapphire’s sentence was cut off very suddenly by a loud _crack-_ specifically, the sound of Ruby slapping her in the face. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Sapphire- I-”

“Wh- Ruby?” Sapphire pulled her bangs away from her eyes, looking around curiously. “What… what happened…?”

“Ruby said you got stuck in your Future Vision,” Steven offered. Sapphire stared at him wide-eyed but didn’t comment on his appearance, which he assumed was because she’d already Seen it. “She… pulled you out of it,” he added with a sideways grin.

“I kinda slapped you in the face,” said Ruby in a tiny voice. Sapphire just laughed, and Ruby grinned. “But- it’s okay now! We’re okay now, and- and so is Steven!”

...that wasn’t exactly true, but Steven wasn’t going to ruin their good moment.

Sapphire nodded. “I… I was so scared… I couldn’t-” She looked up at Steven, tears welling in her eyes as the ice around them melted. “I couldn’t See you at all! Garnet, of all people, should have known you were a fusion from the start, but I couldn’t See even that!”

Steven frowned, kneeling down. “That isn’t your fault,” he assured her. “I didn’t know either, remember? No-one did.”

_I want her to feel bad about this… why do I want that?_

_ She messed up, that’s why!_

_ But she doesn’t deserve this. We should help her, not make this about us. This isn’t about us._

Sapphire nodded, sniffling. “I just wanted to be able to help you…”

“It’s okay, Sapphire,” insisted Ruby, smiling. “And- we were right!”

“Right?” echoed Steven quietly.

“There was this whole announcement thing last night!” Ruby explained. “Right, Steven? And- and it said that- that the corruption happened because of the Diamonds!”

Sapphire gasped, her eye wide. “But-!”

Ruby looked over at Steven, grinning widely. “That Agate was telling the truth, right? I mean- when- when you were corrupted you said it was something you did, something- something you did to yourself, but- that can’t be true, right? It really was something the Diamonds did!”

_...oh_

_ No, no, nonono-_

_ Don’t put this on us, don’t- don’t- please- _

“...yeah,” said Steven. “It- it was.”

_LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR-_

Sapphire sighed, wiping away her tears. “I… I was so scared that- that we really had driven you to that point…!”

“It’s okay,” Steven assured her as Ruby helped her to her feet. “I’m fine, yeah? Let’s just get out of here. Pearl’s gonna be really happy to see you.”

_I can’t let go just yet._

_I can’t let them know the truth until they’re more stable; I can’t put that kind of pressure on Pearl._

_Amethyst is still angry with them, I’ll have to fix that too._

_We just have to make sure everyone’s okay._

_Just have to keep the world turning._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _It's one of those days, my world is crashing_   
>  _Everything looks on fire ___  
>  _It's one of those nights, I'm dreaming_   
>  _But I'm walking on a wire_


	57. The Eleventh Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and the clock ticks closer to midnight

Pearl was, indeed, delighted to see Sapphire again, and the two of them, as well as Ruby, stayed near the tower’s threshold for a while, simply talking. As they did, Steven let them be, wandering off to the side. He exhaled deeply as he leant against the wall behind him, appreciating the feeling of pressure against the growths on his back, which had started to ache.

“Steven?”

He perked up automatically, not wanting to concern anyone with just how tired he was. But, when he saw who it was, he relaxed again. “Hey, Bismuth.”

“You gonna be alright?” she asked, though her song lacked any of the pity Steven had expected. “You seem a bit out of it.”

Steven gave a humorless laugh. “No kidding. Doesn’t help this was the first thing I actually _did_ today other than eat breakfast.”

Bismuth grimaced. “Jeez, kid. You coulda just stayed home, you know.”

“Mm, no, not really,” he mused. “It’s fine though, yeah? I just needed a second.” He gave her a tired smile as he stood back up straight. “Don’t worry about me.”

As he turned to join Pearl and the others, Steven could’ve sworn he saw Bismuth frowning at him as he left. That wasn’t important right now, though. He had to help Pearl, Sapphire, and Ruby.

After all, why was he even here if he wasn’t being helpful?

* * *

**steven <3**  
[] hey, um  
[] sorry if this is a bad time

 **Centi**  
[] Not at all!  
[] Is anything wrong?

 **steven <3**  
[] ...maybe?  
[] there’s sort of… markings, on the back of my left hand  
[ file shared : spots.png ]

 **Centi**  
[] Only on the left hand?

 **steven <3**  
[] yeah  
[] uh. my actual left hand. not the extra one.

 **Centi**  
[] Hmm.  
[] Well, the asymmetricality is slightly worrying, but only slightly.  
[] When did you first notice?

 **steven <3**  
[] just now  
[] it doesnt feel different? like, texture-wise  
[] its just kinda there

 **Centi**  
[] Please let me know if anything else appears. Otherwise, I would suggest you not worry.

 **steven <3**  
[] thanks  
[] sorry for bothering you

* * *

As Steven put his phone back onto his side table charger, there came a knock at the door. He gave a soft chirp in acknowledgement, not wanting to bother with words if he didn’t have to.

“...you alright there, Schtu-ball?”

Steven gave his dad a half-hearted smile as the man sat down next to him on the bed. “Just texting someone.”

Greg frowned, concerned. “Steven… are you okay? Are- are all of you okay?” he asked, putting his hand over Steven’s- the hand where the markings had shown up. Steven tried not to flinch away.

“I’m fine, Dad,” he insisted, a bit harder this time.

_I just want to be alone right now_

_This might be the only chance I get for a while, can’t you just let me have this?_

Greg sighed, moving his hand away. “...Pearl seems to have forgiven Garnet already,” he noted. “Can’t say I feel the same way.”

“Wh- why?” _Please, no, don’t give me something more I have to deal with!_ “I mean- she didn’t really do anything wrong, yeah? She was wrong about me, but, that’s not her fault.”

Greg stared at Steven, eyes wide, mouth pulled back into something like a grimace. “Steven, she- she hurt you, she ignored you-!”

_I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME!_

“She didn’t know about Castor and Pollux,” said Steven, ignoring the growing ache around his horns. “But neither did I, right? So I’m not gonna blame her for that. And, yeah, she kinda dropped the ball with some stuff lately, but, people make mistakes!” He grinned. “Besides, she’s happy now, right? And so is Pearl! And, sure, she was wrong about my corruption, but- she doesn’t need to know that, yeah? It’s not really important either way, really.”

“Steven…”

_ISN’T THIS THE RIGHT THING TO DO? ISN’T THIS WHAT I’M FOR? THIS ISN’T- THIS-_

_I AM FOLLOWING MY PURPOSE_

_WHY ARE YOU UNHAPPY WITH ME?_

“I’m gonna go check on Amethyst, I think,” Steven said as he stood up, ignoring the occasional pins and needles in his feet, even though he hadn’t been sitting oddly at all. “You’ve got your cooking class again today, yeah? You should probably make sure you’re not late for that.”

* * *

As Steven walked carefully down the stairs, he saw the Temple doors close behind Ruby and Sapphire as they left the main house, and saw Pearl fretting with her jacket. Was she okay? Had Sapphire said something to her? Without even realizing it at first, Steven started scratching at his hand, at the skin where the markings had appeared. His claws were blunted, but enough pressure let them draw blood, and the injuries healed themselves instantly.

It was fine. It helped him calm down, and it wasn’t like he was _trying_ to hurt himself, right? Especially considering his healing powers. Though… maybe he should talk to Crazy Lace about that… just in case.

“They’re fine, P,” grumbled Amethyst as she searched the fridge. “Sapphs said they wouldn’t take too long anyways, right? So just chill.”

“I know, I know,” replied Pearl, her body still tense. “But for Sapphire to get lost in her Vision like this…”

“Sapphire said it happened before, right?” Steven interjected, trying his best to join the conversation without completely butting in. “Um, during the Rebellion.”

Pearl nodded. “There was… there was a battle that we lost. Badly lost. Sapphire was beside herself, angry that she hadn’t seen it coming. We had inside informants, but even they didn’t know the battle was going to happen; it had been a direct call from Yellow Diamond when she first arrived.”

Steven considered bringing up what Ruby had said, about Rose being the one to help Sapphire before, but… no. That would probably just make things worse. Even if Ruby had been comparing him to Rose like that- it probably wasn’t even intentional, really.

“Honestly? You’re being way too nice to her about all this, Stev-o,” noted Amethyst as she hopped up onto one of the kitchen stools, leaning casually against the countertop.

Steven frowned. “Dad said the same thing to me… I’m just trying to help, I guess? I was kind of mad at Garnet before but, that was a while ago.”

Amethyst hummed, tapping her claws against the granite. “...yeah. Alright,” she said hesitantly. “You don’t gotta pretend to be totally happy with her, though, yeah? She messed up, and… I dunno. I’m not gonna force you to? But maybe you should talk to her about some of that shit. Especially ‘cause, uh…” Amethyst sighed. “Like… I know I messed stuff up too, yeah? And… you didn’t just corrupt for no reason. We all had a part to play. And if you need to talk about any of that stuff- not just with Garnet, with any of us- I don’t want you to feel like you gotta pretend you’re not mad about stuff.”

Steven stopped in place, blinking at Amethyst. “She… she doesn’t know.”

Amethyst stared back. “What are you talking about?”

“Ruby came looking for me because of Hazel’s announcement,” said Steven plainly. “As far as she knows, it _was_ the oth- the Diamonds that caused my- my corruption.”

“But that’s bullshit!” exclaimed Amethyst, her eyes wide. Pearl, on the other hand, just sighed.

“It… might be for the best, though,” she mused. “It’s not unlikely that Sapphire might start to slip again…”

“But that’s not Steven’s fault!” insisted Amethyst, gesturing at him. “Pearl, we _all_ fucked up, okay!?”

“Guys-” Steven could feel himself starting to panic, could feel the rising fear.

“I mean, I’m not an expert? But I’m pretty sure no-one _forced_ Sapphire to lose herself like that!” continued Amethyst. “And if she messed up, like, she should at least _know_ she did, right?”

“Guys!” Steven threw his arms out in effort to be noticed. “It’s- it’s okay! I’m okay with not telling Garnet for now, okay? I don’t… I don’t want you guys fighting on my behalf, yeah? I’m okay.”

Pearl nodded in understanding, and Amethyst sighed, looking away. “Yeah, you’re… you’re right. If you’re not gonna push it then neither am I.” Steven nodded, and Amethyst looked up at him, almost pleadingly. “Hey, uh… we never finished that level in Angel’s Crown.”

“That’s because you set it at the highest difficulty,” Steven noted with a smile.

“Well, yeah, ‘cause it’s fun!” said Amethyst, hopping down from the stool. “C’mon, let’s get our asses beat a few more rounds, yeah?”

Pearl laughed. “I have to say, I can’t see the appeal in losing repeatedly like that.”

“Makes it more fun when you win,” explained Steven with a shrug as Amethyst started up the TV. “You can join, if you want?”

“Mm, I might if I didn’t have to plan next week’s classes,” said Pearl apologetically. “I’ve all my things with me, though, so, perhaps I could work out here, if you’d be alright with it?”

“Only if you’re alright with us yelling n’ all that,” said Amethyst as the Angel’s Crown music started up.

“I’ve managed to draft battle plans while listening to Bismuth spend three hours talking about the differences in metal alloys,” Pearl replied smugly. “I’m sure this will be nothing.”

* * *

Even sitting on the couch, Steven could feel a creeping sort of ache, all over his body, but even more so on his back and around his horns. It was easy enough to ignore, to instead focus on defending Amethyst as she sniped down a virtual bad guy, but it was still there. Centi had warned him this could be an issue, though, hadn’t she? And she hadn’t seemed very worried when he texted her earlier. He was probably freaking out over nothing, so he ignored it.

Steven also found that he had just as good of hand-eye-coordination in his extra hands as opposed to his real ones, having at one point grabbed the game controller from himself so he could reach over for the remote on the side table. It was a bit freaky, but, Amethyst didn’t seem to even notice- and if she didn’t she didn’t mind at all, it seemed.

True to her word, Pearl managed to stay focused on her various papers and holo-screens, having covered the table in her work. Steven felt a bit nostalgic, seeing it all, but… he didn’t regret retiring from the Little Homeschool. Lime Pearl and Mossy Agate were far more competent than he could ever be, and they seemed to enjoy the job far more than he had. It was better this way, he told himself.

Steven and Amethyst spent well over a half-hour playing together, not managing to beat a single level but still enjoying it nonetheless. Steven was able to relax a little bit, seeing that both Pearl and Amethyst were happy, which meant he could let himself be happy too.

Well, that is… until the Temple door opened.

Garnet stepped out, her shades removed, showing her apologetic but hopeful expression- she looked almost _nervous,_ and in some ways, Steven found that to be worse than seeing her angry.

“Garnet…!” Pearl stood up, pushing her papers aside, but not yet moving from where she stood.

“I’m… I’m sorry,” said Garnet, looking down at the ground. “For… for losing control like that. And… I’m sorry you had to see me- see Sapphire like that. I’m… she’s not proud of what she did.”

Amethyst set the controller down, having already paused the game. “...anything else you wanna say?” she asked with acid in her tone. Steven glared at her for a brief moment- why was she trying to ruin everything?- but let her be.

Garnet seemed surprised at Amethyst’s anger, but nodded morosely. “Steven,” she began, looking at him directly. “We… _I_ failed you. Both as a guardian and as a leader.”

Steven forced himself to meet her gaze, all four arms frozen stiff into open, casual positions. He smiled at her, ensuring his expression was soft and reassuring. “You did your best, Garnet…”

“It wasn’t enough-”

“Maybe not, but…” Steven sighed, looking away. _Stars,_ he wanted to agree with her, to say _‘yes, you did hurt me, and I desperately need to know it wasn’t my fault’,_ but if he did? Then their pain would be his fault. Garnet claimed herself as their leader, but… that had been his role for a long time now, and they both knew it. “Everyone messes stuff up. Do you really think I’m gonna hold that against you?”

Garnet’s shoulders dropped, and she smiled, stepping back and summoning her visor once again. “I suppose not.”

Pearl sighed contentedly, readjusting her jacket, even as Amethyst moved with a silent anger. “Well… I’m glad that’s all over, I suppose,” she said to no-one in particular. Steven just smiled as he got up and headed towards the kitchen, but rolled his eyes once he knew no-one could see him- _yeah, so glad that we fixed it for you._

“Steven.” Garnet looked over at him, still surprisingly hesitant. “I- I know I haven’t exactly been the best role model of late, but… I thought… I wanted to offer some advice.” Steven stopped stiff behind the counter, refusing to look up, and Garnet seemed to take his silence for curiosity. “I know what it’s like to be fused all the time, to… to question your own identity like that. If you’d like, I… I thought I might be able to help.”

Steven stared at her, gaping like a fish out of water- after all of this, she wanted to give _him_ advice? No longer held together by a single purpose, he could feel his mind splitting and twisting, filled with an indignant rage on his own behalf.

_She couldn’t even See us, and she wants to **lecture** us!?_

_SHE’S PART OF THE PROBLEM IN THE FIRST PLACE!_

Steven’s form shook as he tried to bury his anger. _This isn’t the time. She doesn’t deserve to be yelled at right after she’s fused again._

_**WE** DIDN’T DESERVE TO BE **IGNORED!**_

_STOP BEING SO SELFISH!_

He looked at her carefully, forcing a calm smile yet again, even as the claws of his lower hands scratched and scratched and scratched. A fire _burned_ inside him, eating away at his flesh- a fire borne of anger- _pointless, selfish anger-_ and he pushed it further and further down until all it could touch was the cold facets of his gem. Yet that, too, seared at his mind. “I… I appreciate it, but… I don’t know. I mean… Ruby and Sapphire _chose_ to be together, but we’re still kind of figuring things out right now, yeah?”

Garnet nodded. “I understand. Just know that, when you need me, I’ll be there.”

_**When** we need you? And since when have you been there for us?_

The fire was burning hotter and hotter, and Steven was sure that if he were to touch the outside of his gemstone, it might sear the skin off his hands. He nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

He took a step, and a suffocating heat washed through him. With a choking gasp, Steven stumbled over his feet, which stung with pins and needles. He managed to catch himself on the kitchen countertop, but couldn’t stand up again, not without collapsing. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl rushed over to him immediately, each one’s expression painted with worry and concern. Steven winced- _we’re just making it worse!_

“Steven!? What’s going on?” asked Pearl, her song already beginning to fray. Steven just shook his head, trying to wave her off.

“It’s, um- I’m okay, I just didn’t sleep well last night,” he told her casually, desperately trying to stand up even when his legs and feet felt dead from the knee down. “I probably just need a nap…”

Even as he spoke, his vision blurred and spun- though even then, he could see the pinkish-red spots growing over his arms, spreading, seeping. The Gems took notice as well, with fear overlaying atop their already-present worries. “Steven…”

“ _We’re fine,_ ” he insisted again, not caring how futile it was. The stifling heat that only he could feel was reaching his head now, leaving his thoughts drifting and unreachable. “We just have to- n-no, you can’t- _we’re_ supposed to help _you-_ ”

“Call Centi,” said Pearl urgently, and Garnet nodded, retrieving her phone. Steven’s eye widened, and before anyone could react, he lurched forwards and grabbed Garnet’s phone out of her hands, throwing it to the ground. “Steven-!”

“It’s- it’s not- c-can’t-” _It’s not a relapse, it’s NOT A RELAPSE-_ He stumbled back as the numbness in his legs was replaced by a sharp pain, forcing a- _pitiful, pathetic-_ whimper from his lips. Something burned at his face- a trickle of blood, flowing down his forehead, oozing out from the raw skin around his horns. Steven fell to his knees, his legs twisting and contorting beneath him, and he clutched at his head, his sharp claws drawing even more acidic-pink blood.

Garnet stepped forwards, reaching for him- before he could even think, a wall of diamonds formed in front of him, exploding into shards and pushing her back. Steven looked up, gasping. “No! No, no, I’m- I- I didn’t- no, no, no, no…” His mutterings continued even as he tried to stand again, his very bones crunching like broken glass and reforming just as quickly.

_We hurt her, we hurt her-_

_Just as bad as THEM-_

_Need to… we need to… what’s…?_

One of the Gems- _Amethyst, we know Amethyst, she’s- she’s-_ moved towards them- him?- slowly, carefully. “You gotta calm down, okay? You’re okay,” she told them soothingly. She was safe, they knew that, but… _everything hurts so much- why does it hurt-_

“I’m sorry,” they sobbed, desperately, desperately. “I- did I…? No, I- I’m sorry, I won’t- I’ll…”

Amethyst kept talking to them, but they couldn’t follow the notes. There was a song in their own head, familiar, painful. They were… they…

_IT HURTS_

They roared, screaming in pain, and threw themself to the side- not at Amethyst, but at anything they could find, anything that would _hurt._ The pain was different, better, easier, it distracted them, it-

“We’ve lost him-”

“We have to contain him, he’s just going to get more violent-”

“There’s a room in the Temple where we can hold him, we just have to keep him trapped until someone can bring some more ichors-”

Their eyes grew wide- _no, no, please, no, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do-!_

They were soon surrounded by the Gems, all of them staring in determination, their weapons drawn. They tried to speak but no words came out, only a roar, a growl, a broken song.

Star sobbed, begging, pleading.

The Gems attacked.

* * *

The fight didn’t take long. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl had been fighting against corrupted Gems for six thousand years now, they were a practiced and well-oiled machine.

Steven didn’t fight back, not at first. He would move in strange and panicked ways, throwing his whole body against a wall, though, surprisingly, never enough to break it, but enough to leave marks. He tried to claw his way out of the Temple house, or smash his head against any object he deemed hard enough.

When he did fight back, he fought defensively, only acting in retaliation. Once he did, the battle was over in minutes. He lunged forwards and Amethyst wrapped her whip around one leg, tripping him- not tight enough to break the skin, though. They had all learned their lesson. Pearl never threw her spear, or even attacked with it directly, but rather distracted Steven with energy blasts. Garnet never used her elemental powers, only her gauntlets, and even then she was cautious.

The three of them cornered Steven against the Temple door, and Garnet opened it up. Seeing what he thought was an escape, he fled, and the door shut behind him, trapping him in an empty room.

They fell against the outside of the door, exhausted- not physically, but emotionally. Could this happen again? Why had it even happened in the first place? Was this going to be a permanent aspect of his life?

...even if another relapse was inevitable, it wouldn’t stop them from trying to care for him. They had failed Steven before. This time… this time, they would do better.

* * *


	58. A Pair of Monsters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> scar  
> /skär/
> 
> plural noun: scars
> 
> 1\. a mark left on the skin or within body tissue where a wound, burn, or sore has not healed completely and fibrous connective tissue has developed.  
> 2\. a lasting effect of grief, fear, or other emotion left on a person's character by a traumatic experience.  
> 3\. a mark left on something following damage of some kind.

“Centi? I’m sorry if this is a bad time…”

_“Not at all! Is everything well with your household, Crystal Pearl?”_

“...no. It’s not. That’s… we need your help.”

_“Oh dear… have Steven’s corruption scars spread further, then?”_

“Not- not exactly. He… oh, I don’t… Centi, we…”

_“...where is he.”_

“...in the Temple. He’s- he’s safe there, he won’t be able to hurt anyone-”

_“He is corrupted again, then?”_

“...yes.”

_“I require access to the Obsidian Temple warp.”_

“You already have it.”

* * *

The monster paced in its cage, crying out for anyone who might listen. It was… mm. No, not ‘it’, ‘they’... or... maybe…?

They shook their head, huffing in frustration as their thoughts continued to spin and swirl, always staying just out of their reach. They had a name- or, many names? They couldn’t remember, though. All they knew was that they were a monster. And that, for some reason, they were trapped.

There had been… others, other things- not monsters, not like them, but… similar, maybe? Familiar things, things the monster had trusted, relied on, or… or at least tried to. And for some reason, they’d attacked the monster. Driven it- _them-_ into this cage.

The cage was large enough for them to move around in, though it was dimly lit, and starting to get cold. Realizing there wasn’t a way out, or at least, not one they could get to, the monster let out a final exhausted cry, and lay down on its side.

_I just want to go home…_

* * *

  
Centi materialized on the warp pad with a determined expression on her face and a satchel at her side. Not wasting any time, she stepped down and confronted Pearl. “Bring me to him.”

Pearl stepped back in surprise, her hands pulling at her jacket. “Oh! Um, I… I don’t know-”

“Steven isn’t safe to be around right now,” Garnet explained, placing a gem-studded hand on Pearl’s shoulder. “We’ve got him contained in one of the Temple rooms, but that’s all we can do.”

Centi’s demeanor shifted instantly, with her beak-like jaw opening into a horrified grimace and her pupil shrinking to a pinprick. “Please elaborate as to what you mean by _contained,_ ” she requested, a simmering rage buried into her song.

“We can’t just poof him!” insisted Amethyst. “He was like, freaking out! You saw what he did last time!”

Centi closed her eye, breathing in and out with a forced calm. “Did you attack Steven.”

“He was going to hurt us-!”

“Did. You. Attack. Steven.”

“...yes,” said Pearl quietly. “But we didn’t have a choice!”

Centi paused for another deep breath, moving her hand in and out with the rise and fall of her chest. “What is it that he did to make you think he would hurt you?”

Amethyst frowned. “I mean… he started acting _really_ weird, and… _changing,_ like he did before… he was bleeding really badly, too. Garnet tried to call you right away, but he just, knocked her phone out of her hand? And he… he just, collapsed on the floor. He summoned a wall sort of thing, but, I think he couldn’t keep it up ‘cause it burst apart and he freaked out about that.” Amethyst sighed, rubbing at her arm. “I tried to talk to him, get him to calm down, but, um, he responded for a little bit but it was kinda just gibberish. Then…”

“He started _hurting_ himself,” continued Pearl. “Slamming himself into the walls, ramming his head against things. We kept trying to talk to him for a bit but he… he didn’t speak, just… screamed. _Roared._ ”

“We tried to move him into the Temple room, but he fought back once we did,” said Garnet.

“Did you summon your weapons?”

Pearl frowned. “What does that have to do with it?”

“Please answer the question.”

“Well, yes, I suppose so.”

Centi sighed, flexing her claws in and out. “I am going to ask something of you, and I would request that you would follow my instruction and not argue. Is that understood?”

Garnet frowned, but nodded. “This is your area of expertise.”

“It is. And that’s why I’m requesting that, once the Temple is open, you leave the house and go straight to Little Homeworld.”

“ _What!?_ ”

“We’re trying our best, lady!” insisted Amethyst angrily. “Just because we asked for help doesn’t give you the excuse to act all high and mighty on us, alright!?”

Centi hissed in annoyance. “I am _requesting_ this, because right now, Steven will be _terrified_ of you three. Even if you don’t summon your weapons, he will recognize you as a source of pain.” The three Crystal Gems looked at Centi in fear and surprise, then glanced between each other. “Your weapons are extensions of yourselves, and you have just used those extensions to injure and to trap him. It is highly unlikely that he has any understanding of _who_ you are, or _why_ you hurt him, simply that you _did._ So, yes, I am requesting that you leave, because you have proven, _without a doubt,_ that you do _not_ know what you are doing.” Centi huffed, her grip on her satchel tightening. “Now. Open the Temple doors, so I can do my job.”

* * *

The monster raised their head as their cage was flooded with light. The blinked as their eyes- eye?- adjusted, and-

They got to their feet instantly, spines flaring from their back, a low growl escaping from their mouth. The familiar shape that they couldn’t name stepped back, seemingly frightened.

_Good_

_I don’t- are we- is it scared of us?_

_It should be_

_Do we want this?_

The being- the familiar not-monster- stepped away, joining the other familiar things, and leaving the cage outside of the cage, and out into the sunlight. The monster relaxed slightly, knowing they were no longer under threat, and the sharp spines that lined their back flattened and receded.

“...Steven?”

The monster flinched back, seeing… another… monster? It stood like the not-monsters, but, it could feel some sort of… a kinship, maybe? There was something about this being that felt, not familiar, but _shared._ It didn’t attack, nor did it try and enter the monster’s room, even though it could. Instead, it sat on the hard ground, as if waiting.

Slowly, cautiously, the monster crept out into the light. Each step was careful and precise, and they jumped at even the smallest sound, not knowing what threats might be present. When the door shut behind them, they spun around, hissing, until they saw there was nothing they needed to be afraid of.

It took quite some time, but eventually, the monster relaxed. They explored the sunlit cavern, sniffing at the various objects, moving things out of the way with their snout or paws. They didn’t move with any hurry, though, now that they knew they were safe. All the while, the green not-monster was present- sometimes watching them, sometimes not.

The monster decided that the green thing must be safe. It wasn’t attacking, nor did it act like it was afraid of them. They sniffed at it curiously, and it gave a cackling laugh as it gently pushed them away. “Not so close, that tickles!” Amazed, the monster backed off. They… they could understand it? They sat down on the hard ground, desperately trying to grab hold of their vague thoughts, trying to remember the notes of their own song.

“ **Close… not- not- how…?** ” Their song was broken and jumbled and barely made sense even to them, but something about it made the green not-monster light up with joy.

“Oh! Oh, oh goodness, I was worried you might not be able to recover on your own,” it sighed, bouncing in place.

“ **Recover… recover, able to- own, our own, alone, can’t-** ” The monster growled, shaking their head in frustration.

“Hey, hey, shh, shh…” The green thing held its paws out in some kind of reassurance, making a soft and calming sound. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Just stay calm, okay? Stay calm.”

“ **Calm,** ” the monster repeated, nodding. “ **We… think, um… thinking, thinking- brain is- not, it’s…** ”

“It is hard to think right now, I know. Just, one thing at a time, yes?” The thing smiled at them. “Do you know who I am?” The monster shook their head. “That is quite alright. I’m Centi. Can you remember that?”

“ **Centi… Centipeedle, Centi, friend Centi, not a monster- you-** ”

_~~“This isn’t you! You’re not a monster anymore!”~~ _

_~~“Please, try to remember!”~~ _

_~~“We are not going anywhere, after all.”~~ _

The monster rose clumsily to their feet, stumbling over their own body, shaking their head. “ **Remember, can’t- not going anywhere- can’t remember- not- alone, alone- a monster-** ”

“You are not alone, Steven. You are not a monster. Even if you cannot remember, even if you are scared, you are still _you._ ”

They stared at the green- at the _Centi-_ in awe and confusion. “ **We… we’re…?** ”

“Right, he is a fusion, need to consider that variable…” muttered the Centi. “We can worry about names later. For this moment, do you-” The Centi froze, staring at something behind the monster, her vibrant green eye open wide. “Wh- why are you here!?”

The monster spun around, ready to defend themself, as well as the Centi if need be. Entering the sunlit cage was… two of the familiar things? One pale and shrill and thin, the other stout and chaotic and misshapen, both of them speaking in a nonsense song. No- no, not nonsense, the monster could pick out a few words- ‘checking’, ‘worried’, ‘escaped’, ‘attacked you’, ‘hurt himself’. The monster didn’t know what it meant, and they didn’t care. They growled, arching their back and raising their spines.

“Do not attack him!” exclaimed Centi, though it kept its voice relatively quiet. “Please, he is not violent!”

The pale thing argued something back, something with the word _corrupted,_ and the monster knew that was something bad, even if they didn’t know why. The off-color one seemed calmer though, curious of the situation, but still on edge.

“He is corrupted but he is not mindless,” said the Centi. “It is possible for him to heal on his own, with help. That is what I am trying to do.”

The pale thing spoke again, and, again, the monster listened, tried to understand. The pale thing spoke of diamonds and colors and essences and-

“- pink Diamond gemstone-”

_pink diamond_

_Pink Diamond_

_PINK DIAMOND_

The monster didn’t know what those words meant, or why they cared, or why they felt such rage. All they knew is that the pale thing spoke those words. The pale thing, then, must be danger, a threat. Why else would the monster hurt like that?

And so it lunged forth, roaring, pushing the Centi out of the way as gently as they could. The pale thing fell backwards in surprise, letting the monster grab it in their jaws. The thing struggled, pushed, and-

A white spear appeared from it, and the monster jerked back, whimpering. _A searing pain in their right eye, with pale blue eyes staring back at them-_

_~~“What do you know!? YOU NEVER EVEN **MET** HER!”~~ _

_~~“I wonder, sometimes, if she can see me through your eyes?”~~ _

_~~“WHY WON’T YOU LET ME DO THIS FOR YOU, ROSE?”~~ _

Feelings of anger, of fear, of belittlement, betrayal, disgust, guilt, shame- the monster couldn’t understand what they were feeling, just that it _hurt._

So when the pale thing stood up again, they roared, and everything shook, and-

_~~”Wh- whoopsie-daisy! Steven, it's okay. I'm gonna be just f-”~~ _

The monster stared in horror as the blue and white clouds faded into nothing, and a eggshell gemstone fell to the wooden floorboards. They sat down hard, letting out a heaving sob. “ **P- Pearl…? I… wh… please don’t… please come back…** ”

“Steven…”

“Holy shit, P…”

The monster looked over at the Centi as it placed a paw gently on their back. “ **Is she… is she gonna come back soon?** ”

The Centi looked at them sympathetically. “Yes. She’ll be back before you know it, I’m sure.”

“You can understand him?” asked the off-color thing. Some part of the monster’s mind was surprised they could understand it, but… they couldn’t care.

“Yes. It… takes some training for even uncorrupted Gems such as I to understand others when in this sort of state, but it is possible.”

“ **P- please, I- I just…** ” The monster cried, laying their head on their paws as their magenta tears flowed. “ _ **I want my momma back…**_ ”

“Wh- what’s he saying now?”

“...he’s asking for his mother.”

“He’s asking for _Rose?_ ”

“No. He’s asking for Pearl.”

* * *

Centi sat with Steven as he quietly cried, his paws curled up underneath him as he lay on the floorboards, watching Pearl’s gemstone remain inanimate. Amethyst considered texting Garnet about what happened, but… well, she wasn’t sure, but she had a hunch as to what had triggered… _this,_ in the first place. She sighed, looking over at Centi. “Y’sure this is a good idea?”

“Based on what I have learned of Human social structures, yes, it is,” Centi replied, keeping one hand at the back of Steven’s neck, rubbing a thumb over his thick armor of scales. “Based on your information as to his state before the relapse, it’s highly unlikely Steven will become at all violent- which, I am aware that this statement seems ironic, considering he has just dissipated Crystal Pearl, but I think that was a reaction to her mention of…” Centi moved her hand away to briefly flash a traditional diamond-shaped salute. “ _Someone in particular._ ”

Amethyst grimaced. “Jeez… I knew he had pretty mixed feelings about her, but…”

“You cannot expect him to react to things as he would normally,” insisted Centi. “Even though he can manage some level of rational thought, that thought is overwhelmed by emotion, by survival instinct. He reacted to a perceived threat.”

“...how much do you remember?” asked Amethyst quietly, sitting at the foot of the couch. “From your corruption.”

“Everything,” said Centi plainly. “Not everyone does- or rather, they take much longer to recall. I was, in essence, the first test subject, when it came to healing those corrupted. After trying to tell my story through writings and drawings, I remembered. I could no longer hold my standard form. Yet some part of me was healed.” She nodded towards Steven. “As of now, he is in a similar state, at least in some ways.”

“D’you think he can understand us?”

“It’s likely he can understand simple concepts- single words or phrases, that sort of thing. Once given the ichors, that will improve, but it will take some time.”

Amethyst’s shoulders sagged. “Like… a few weeks or something?”

“Oh goddesses no, it’s unlikely to take more than a day or two,” Centi assured Amethyst, making her sigh with relief. “Nevertheless, you will need to be patient with him- and, he will need to be patient with himself.” She paused, her song clicking like a clock. “I do not have anything in that time that cannot be rescheduled… I think I would like to remain here to ensure his recovery goes smoothly.”

“I mean… ugh.” Amethyst rubbed at the back of her head, looking off to the side. “I dunno. I mean, I know we kind of messed up, but like, now we know better, right? You don’t gotta babysit us just ‘cause we’re new at all this.”

“...this is not about you, Amethyst,” said Centi calmly. “This is about Steven. Are you willing to risk his well being to save your pride?”

“Wh- it’s not like that!” Amethyst hissed. “I’m trying to make up for what I did, okay!? Like- all this shit he’s been talking about, thinking he’s a m- a horrible person ‘cause he fucked up? I _get_ that! I want to _help_ him!”

“I understand that, and that is why I wish to stay,” Centi argued. “Let me help you, so that you may help him. That is what I am saying.”

Amethyst didn’t reply at first, narrowing her eyes and avoiding Centi’s gaze. “Let’s… let’s just wait ‘till Pearl reforms and Garnet and Greg are both there. This ain’t my decision to make.”

“...if you say so.”

* * *

The two of them had done their best to explain the situation to Greg over the phone, sticking to just an audio call rather than a video call, as Centi’s attempt to video call one of her clients had resulted in Steven trying to attack the apparent intruder. Thankfully the client found it more amusing than anything and didn’t seem to recognize Steven in his corrupted form, but Amethyst decided it was best to keep the kid away from screens for now.

Greg had been… quiet. Almost angry, Amethyst thought. Even when he came in the front door, his eyes already watering before he even saw Steven, he was quiet. And it _hurt._

~~The last time he’d been quiet like this was when Rose told them all that she wouldn’t live to meet her child.~~

“...does he recognize me?” he’d asked, his voice far too small for his body, for his heavy heart. Centi had shaken her head in response.

“He does not know who you are, simply that you are someone familiar and safe,” she’d told him. “At this point, however, that is the most that can be expected of him.”

Amethyst had gotten him a thick, heavy blanket from her room, as well as a smaller blanket to make a ‘nest’ for Pearl. She’d been worried for a moment when trying to take Pearl’s gemstone away from Steven, but he’d simply watched her with wide, uncertain eyes. She’d made sure to set the nest nearby, wanting to give him that reassurance.

The process of healing him physically had been brief, and yet… and yet it took far, far too long. Greg had managed to lull him to sleep with a song, and this time Steven was small enough to place his head on his father’s lap. Centi had disinfected an area of skin on his side where the scales were small enough, then procured a rather small syringe filled with glowing, swirling ichor. She’d followed it up with another syringe, explaining that it was a sedative. “The changes can be… unpleasant at times. It is best for the individual to not be awake to experience them, if at all possible.”

Even so, all three of them stayed with him for each moment of it. Even as his very bones compressed against each other, popping like twigs as the same power that broke him, put him back together again. Even as his body twitched and convulsed as it forced itself into a literal facsimile of the Human form. Even as his very being warped around itself and scales scraped away at each other until all that was left was all-too-tender skin as soft as an infant’s yet covered in what could only be called scars.

Even then, Greg held his son close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Centi: if what i think is happening, is happening  
> Centi: _it'd better not be_


	59. Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stay with me  
> That's all I've asked, and yet  
> All I want now is to be alone

Greg sat in Steven’s room, watching his son sleep peacefully, each of his arms wrapped tightly around one of his pillows. The thing looked more like Swiss cheese than a pillow at this point, with all the holes poked into it by thick, curling claws, but Steven didn’t seem to care. 

Downstairs, the others were yelling about… something. Amethyst sounded angry, _outraged,_ and Garnet sounded afraid. As Greg heard someone come up the stairs, he first thought it was Pearl, until he remembered that Pearl was, well, temporarily dead, so to speak. Instead, when the door creaked open, it was a literal beak that poked through rather than Pearl’s beakish nose. A gemstone in place of an eye looked around nervously.

“Has he yet awoken?” asked Centi quietly. Her song sounded like chiptunes and castanets, and something almost like birdsong. Greg shook his head, and Centi stepped inside quietly. Her mane of white hair was starting to fray from its ponytail, and there was an exhaustion in the way she held herself.

“Kid’s always out like a light whenever he sleeps,” Greg explained. “I used to joke to Amethyst that, uh, apparently ‘sleeping like a rock’ is more than just an expression.”

Centi tilted her head to the side. “An ironic one, seeing as standard Gems do not require sleep.”

There was a moment of silence between the two of them, backdropped by the voices downstairs, and the sound of Steven’s slow, quiet breathing.

Greg sighed. “This isn’t… this isn’t just a temporary thing, is it? This isn’t something where he can just ‘get better’ and not worry about it.” It was a statement rather than a question- asking a question, after all, implied you didn’t know the answer.

“No. It is not,” replied Centi plainly. “But that does not mean things will always be this difficult for him, I tell you with certainty. He will not spend his life suffering because of this.”

“How can you know that?” asked Greg, not looking at Centi, but still watching his son breath in and out, in and out. “How can I know you’re telling the truth?”

“...because I will ensure it,” said Centi. “His guardians care for him, I recognize that, but they do not know _how_ to care for him, I believe. Whether that is a matter of ignorance or negligence, I am uncertain.” She paused. “He has lived most of his life with them, yes?”

Greg nodded. “Moved in when he was eight. Almost ten years ago, now…”

“And you?”

“...they told me to stay out of the way,” said Greg, sadness weighing his voice down, staining it, tarnishing it. “And I did. And… that was a mistake, I think. I thought that- with all this Gem stuff, I mean…” He sighed, leaning back. “Steven was always a pretty weird kid by Human standards. Though, I guess you guys don’t have standards for kids in the first place, but, whatever. He, uh, he didn’t act like a normal baby, and I thought he’d grow out of it, at first? But when I didn’t, I figured, y’know, he’s half alien, of course he’s gonna be a bit odd. And when he started living with the Gems- with Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl- it seemed like he finally _had_ grown out of it, yeah? Except…” Greg looked down at his hands, frowning. “I don’t think he did. I think even to other Gems he was weird, and… he wanted their approval, so, _so_ badly…”

“Even at the cost of behaving as if he were ‘normal’,” finished Centi. “And as you were not there to observe the details of this change, you believed it happened naturally.”

Greg nodded. “Finding out about Castor and Pollux… seeing them separately… it made me realize that all that ‘weird’ stuff wasn’t ever something to be fixed, it was _part_ of him. And I wish I’d realized it sooner. Maybe if I had…” He sighed. “Maybe if I had, this wouldn’t’ve happened.”

Gently, cautiously, Centi placed a thin, almost skeletal hand on Greg’s shoulder. “The past cannot be changed, Greg Universe. But it can be learned from. Your feelings of guilt will not help Steven, but perhaps they can motivate you to improve, yes?”

Greg looked over at Centi, scrutinizing her. It was amazing, really, just how strange and inhuman she could appear- from the thin exoskeleton he could see moving just beneath her skin, to the single jade eye, to the toothy beak that took up enough of her face that her expressions seemed forced and stiff… and yet, there was something so very, very _Human_ about her. Greg smiled softly, looking back at Steven.

“Yeah. Maybe so, Centi. Maybe so.”

And then Steven woke up.

It wasn’t quite so sudden as that, mind you, not for Steven. From his perspective, waking up had been a slow battle against his tired body to try and regain some semblance of consciousness. But all Greg saw was the simple opening of an eyelid. And that was enough.

Greg got up to sit next to Steven, to assure him of his presence, but Centi held him back. “He is healed physically, but… healing mentally will take time,” she explained. “Please, do not expect of him the behavior he would normally display- and recognize that his actions now are those of a confused and addled mind.”

Greg frowned. “What, you’re- you’re saying he’s high or something?”

“Not precisely. I believe that... the best way to word it is to say that, at the moment, his mind is working more like that of an animal than that of a sapient being. But it is still _him,_ nevertheless.”

Steven was still laying in his bed, flexing his claws in and out of the pillow he held, watching his own movements with a childlike sort of fascination. Carefully, Greg moved to kneel down at the side of the bed, reaching out to take Steven’s hand. Steven jumped ever so slightly, staring back wide-eyed. “Hey, hey, you’re alright,” soothed Greg. “I’m right here, okay? I’m right here.”

Steven kept staring, until his expression morphed slowly into one of guilt and exhaustion and _relief,_ and he sat himself up just to throw himself into his dad’s arms, letting himself be held and cared for and _loved._ Caught off-guard, Greg held back a quiet sob- it truly had been so, so long since Steven had let himself be _vulnerable_ like this, not since he’d started carrying the weight of an Empire on his shoulders. As his son slowly calmed, Greg could almost hear...  
  
Oh.  
  
_Oh._  
  
Centi frowned at Greg's wide-eyed expression. "Have you not heard a Gem's purr before?"  
  
"...last time I did was when he was still just a kid," Greg answered quietly. "I- I never brought it up, I, uh, didn't know if it was rude to mention it, I guess?" He didn't add that he'd only ever heard Rose purr when the two of them were alone.  
  
Centi hummed. "We only do it when we feel safe," she explained. "It is... not necessarily _private,_ but, not something one might see in a public location, mm? Though I will state that it is, somewhat concerning, that he has not felt... _safe,_ in such a long time."  
  
Greg sighed. "That's... I wish I could say that was surprising to me."

“I, ah... would request you make an attempt to assist him in being active once again,” said Centi quietly. “The sooner he is back on his feet, the sooner he can begin to heal.” Greg nodded.

“C’mon, Schtu-ball, let’s get you dressed, yeah?” said Greg. Steven’s clothing had mostly been shredded during his… his _relapse,_ and they’d dressed him in a simple bathrobe for the time being. Steven, however, just looked up at Greg in silent confusion, glancing over at Centi for a moment, before staring down at his own hands yet again. Greg felt a pang of anxiety at Steven’s lack of response. “Wh- Steven? Can you understand me?”

Steven just hummed contently to himself, fiddling with his own claws. Greg saw Centi out of the corner of his eye, looking on in concern. “I do not… perhaps the ichors did not take properly…?”

No, no, it was more like… “You remember what I said before, about him not acting like a normal kid?” said Greg. “This is the kinda thing I was talking about, honestly. He’d do this a lot when he was little, get lost in his own head n’ all that.” Greg took Steven’s hand carefully, slowly, letting Steven see what he was doing before he did it. “You gotta get up now, alright? I bet you’re pretty tired still, but you can sleep later if you still want to.”

Steven nodded curtly before immediately losing any apparent focus again, his eyes wandering about the room. He held onto Greg for dear life, while his other three hands were either clutching at his robe or clutching at his gemstone- or rather, the fabric overtop it. He still sat in his bed though, his legs tucked under the blanket. Greg sighed to himself, ready to coax Steven further, when Steven shifted in place, standing up with more dexterity than he’d been able to manage since his initial corruption. Except…

“Centi?” Greg looked over at her, his eyes wide with fear. Steven didn’t seem to notice, being otherwise preoccupied with an old action figure he’d found on his side table. Centi sighed.

“This is not… unprecedented,” she said quietly. “I did not say anything previously as I didn’t wish to frighten Steven. But… er, how do I put this… when a Gem is healed of their corruption, they must find a form that is a- a happy medium, between their standard form and their corrupted form. Sometimes they are not able to find that middle ground on the first attempt.”

“So it’s- it’s not because of…?”

Centi shook her head. “It is not caused by the relapse itself, no. Rather, this change was an inevitable one. This just happened to be the most convenient vehicle for such a change.”

Steven had walked over to the vanity, quickly mesmerized by the drawers upon drawers of jewelry he’d found. Even the way he stood was changed…

His feet weren’t those of a Human being. If anything they looked like something you’d find on a dragon, or a dinosaur. He walked on the balls of his feet, as if he were walking on high heels, and yet… ever since the initial corruption, he’d been clumsy, off-balance. But now he moved with the quiet and weightless grace that Greg had become used to already.

And perhaps it wasn’t just his feet, with their raptor-like claws and alien structure, but the _tail_ that now held up the bottom of Steven’s bathrobe. Greg could only see the- _ha-_ tail end of it, but it was unmistakable.

Steven… hadn’t noticed yet, it seemed. He hadn’t noticed that his horns were longer, or that tiny growths like tusks had grown right through the skin of his lower jaw. He was too mesmerized by the metal pendant he’d found, all interlocking rings that he was spinning about. All the while he hummed quietly to himself, seeming unaware of the world around him.

“Does he have any clothing that may still fit him now?” asked Centi. “I am aware he does not have access to form clothing. I can travel to the Medical Centre to obtain something temporary for him.”

Greg nodded. “If you can find something, then go ahead. Should, um… I don’t know if I should just sit with him, or…?”

“That would likely be preferable,” said Centi as she headed towards the door. “Eventually, though, the ideal is to return him to his routine, to that which is normal for him. Get his mind back in gear, as it were.”

Greg sighed, looking back over to Steven as Centi left. “I should’ve been there for you more,” he told him quietly. “Both when you were a kid, and in the last few… weeks? Months? It feels like almost a year, now. I can’t imagine it’s been going by any faster for you.” Steven’s humming stopped, and for a moment he stopped spinning the pendant’s rings to glance over at Greg- just for a moment, though. “I figured, with Pearl and Amethyst and Connie and everyone, you wouldn’t want me there too. I just tried to make sure I was there when you needed me, I guess. Staying on the sidelines.” Greg looked down at the floor, tired. “But I guess it wasn’t enough, huh?”

“...wasn’t you,” said Steven quietly. No, no, not Steven, _Pollux,_ judging by the almost mechanical quality of his words. “Um, not, um…” He frowned, looking frustrated at his own speech. “Angry at… Pearl, Garnet. Didn’t want to- angry, not- didn’t want to hurt them. Hurt us instead. Didn’t want to hurt _anyone._ Wanted… alone, quiet, alone…” Pollux shook his head, almost _growling_ at himself. “Can’t… words aren’t, um…”

“It’s okay,” Greg insisted, not wanting to discourage Pollux from trying to keep going. “I know what you’re trying to say, I think. Garnet and Pearl did something to make you angry, but you just… bottled it up.” Pollux nodded, his gaze falling anywhere but towards Greg. “And you- you wanted to be alone?”

“...used to leave, go, travel, explore,” said Pollux, gesturing vaguely with one hand. “Stayed safe, had each other- wanted to, um… find? Find, finding, found, um… took Lion with us, most times. Lonely, but, good kind of lonely. Wanted to… search. No, no- run. Not- not going to, but, getting away.”

“You _ran away?_ ” asked Greg, not sure if he should be horrified or not. Pollux just nodded, though.

“Cass doesn’t- won’t tell you. Scared of, um… don’t know. Gems don’t know.” He sighed, rubbing at his temples and wincing a bit. “Can’t leave now. Used to leaving. Needed to- away. Alone, lonely. Then Ruby. Said, um… needed us. Needed us. Help Sapphire, Sapphire’s hurt, can’t say no, wanted to say no… selfish, selfish, selfish…” As he spoke, Pollux’s claws pressed their way through the fuzzy cloth of the robe he wore, and before Greg knew what was happening, the cloth was being stained pink.

“Wh- Pollux, stop!” Pollux looked startled, then saw his hand, seeming surprised by his own actions. “Please, don’t- don’t…”

“Heals,” said Pollux plainly, pointing to the place where the wound had been. “Calm. Focus… um… thinking, talking. Helps.”

“It’s okay if it’s hard for you to talk,” said Greg quietly. “That’s better than just letting you hurt yourself, Pollux.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Greg sighed as Pollux sat down on the end of the bed, his tail curling on the blanket behind him. He hadn’t seemed to even notice it, and, Greg wasn’t about to point it out to him just yet.

“You don’t have to talk to me about it if you don’t want to,” he offered, and Pollux looked relieved. “I just… I just want you to be okay.”

Pollux hummed contentedly, kicking his feet back and forth, and watching the waves outside his window.

* * *

Even if he was outwardly silent, his mind was racing. Thinking, processing, _screaming,_ and yet, numb. Like static.

_Why?_

_Why is this happening?_

_We- we deserve this, **I** deserve this, I shouldn’t-_

_I don’t want this-_

_I just… I just want to sleep- I want the pain to go away…_

Pollux barely responded even as Centi came back in the room, offering up the modified clothing. Centi left them be, while Greg stumbled over his words, not wanting to be the one to point out the changes to him, but…

“I know,” said Pollux quietly.

“...what?”

“Don’t, um…” _As if the fucking **tail** wasn’t enough, I can’t even talk like a real person now-_ “Don’t- talk, talk, explain, have to- I know. I know.”

Despite the chaotic jumble of words, Greg seemed to understand. “...oh. That’s… I mean, I guess that’s good. Are you, um- do you need help getting dressed?” Pollux shook his head. He wanted to hold on to whatever scraps of dignity he might still have left. “Alright. I’ll just be on the landing, then, alright? Go ahead and knock on the door when you’re ready.”

And just like that he was alone again. Well… ‘alone’.

Pollux ignored the tears dripping down his own face as he fumbled with the clothing in his paws- _hands, you’re not a m- they healed you, you’re **better** now-_ as he tried to figure out the complex ties and knots. The front of the shirt and shorts were the same as before, with the shirt having a hole over his gemstone. The hole could be covered up, and the covering tied off and untied again, in case the Centre’s nurses had needed access to his gem. Now, though, the back of the shirt was similar to a normal hospital gown, tied up with laces like an oversized sneaker. Looking in the mirror, though, Pollux could see why.

The small, barely-present slivers of bright magenta bone, had all grown into curved, dulled spikes, adorning the length of his spine, all the way down his tail. The skin around them was still thin and raw, and Pollux learned quickly that any kind of irritation might cause them to start bleeding.

The shirt had two other ties near his tail that he couldn’t figure out the use for- he might have to ask Centi about that, if she… if she’d be willing to.

_Why would she want to help a monster-_

_Stop_

Pollux took a sharp breath, blinking hard, as Castor made himself known in his mind.

_I just mean that… she’s helping us_

_We should… we should appreciate that, I think_

_‘Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’ and all that, yeah?_

_Isn’t that how the Trojan War was lost?_

_Stop mixing my metaphors and put some dang pants on, Pollux_

* * *

* * *

Greg was waiting for them just outside their bedroom door, humming a tune that Star found distantly familiar- one of his old songs, probably. Rather than try and speak again, they simply opened the door and left it ajar, before sitting back down on their bed.

...they almost wished it was annoying, sitting down in a way that made room for their tail. But instead it felt natural, _normal,_ in a way that had become rare since their corruption.

Even that was easier to think about, in a way. Like they’d become numb to it. They should be panicking, _crying,_ and yet… they weren’t sure they felt anything at all, really.

A memory came to them, of Pollux, standing on his own in a white room, the ground buckling beneath the weight of his voice. No, it… it wasn’t the same as that. Th- he hadn’t felt anything at all, not even distantly. Right now, they knew they _should_ feel something, but it just felt… muffled. Like the static of a bad signal.

“...I guess it’d be pointless to ask if you’re alright,” said Greg quietly as he entered the room, sitting on the edge of the bed. Star hadn’t noticed before, but, now he could see the tear-stains on his father’s cheeks, the redness in his eyes.

“Not- it’s, um- b-better than…” Star scowled in frustration, one hand rubbing at their throat. “Doing, then- see that-” They let out a huff of annoyance that morphed into an angry growl as they stood up and started searching through the drawers of their vanity.

“Wh- Steven? What’re you looking for?”

“ _Words!_ ”

“...you lost me, bud.”

_I **know** I put it in here, so unless you moved it, it ought to still be here…_

_ Found it! _

Star mimicked a snippet of song from one of their old games as they held up then pen and paper that Forsterite had given them, then plopped themself back down next to Greg, expertly flicking their tail out of the way as they sat, as if they’d done so a thousand times before.

_one of the LH Gems gave this to ~~us~~ Pollux when he was having a hard time talking? so ~~we~~ I thought this might help_

“Oh,” said Greg quietly, looking at Star’s (somewhat sloppy) handwriting. “This happened before?”

_not like this  
he could still talk, like, physically he could? but everytime he tried to he just froze up  
it was kinda scary actually but Forsterite helped us out  
she’s the big green Gem who was there when_

Star paused in their writing, biting at their lip.

“When you split,” Greg finished. They nodded. “...what were you trying to tell me just now? Before you grabbed the paper, I mean.”

_...it’s weird, but, uh  
I think you might be taking all of this worse than ~~we~~ I have_

“I’m not gonna be mad at you if you say ‘we’ instead of ‘I’, you know.”

_right  
sorry_

Greg sighed. “...you didn’t…” He huffed quietly to himself, rubbing at his beard. “...when you changed back, it wasn’t… Centi wanted to be certain you fell asleep before she- before she healed you.” Star stared at him, frowning. “...I don’t know how much you really remember, but…”

_all of it  
...did I really hurt Pearl like that?_

“She’ll be fine,” Greg reassured them. “She’ll be back before you know it.”

...Star frowned at the paper in their hands. It was still their fault, and Greg was just… acting like it was fine. Again.

No. No, they knew he was trying his best. They shouldn’t be thinking that of him. _~~We shouldn’t be so selfish.~~_

“I, uh- Centi wanted me to have you come downstairs, once you were ready,” Greg noted. “Said, uh, said it would be good to try and get you back into a routine?”

...did they have much of a routine, though? They ate supper at the same time each day, and tried to get up around the same time, but everything in between that… well, they hadn’t had enough time to really set things up. Not that they weren’t used to that, of course. But if Centi wanted them to get back into their ‘normal habits’ or the like, they’d be better off running away or visiting Jasper or fighting for their life again. Staying at home for weeks on end, constantly surrounded by people, wasn’t in any way ‘normal’. And, as much as they did appreciate being able to spend time with (most of) the Gems, they…

They just needed some peace and quiet.

_I don’t think we can_

“C’mon, Schtu-ball, I know you’re nervous-”

_it’s not that  
if Centi wants us to do what’s normal for us then this isn’t it  
I know you guys are trying really hard to make up for lost time but…_

Star sighed.

_I think it’s kind of too late for that  
we like having family meals, we like being able to spend time with you guys  
but we feel like we’re going crazy doing nothing_

“You can always take up a hobby!”

_we haven’t had any song ideas since Spinel  
and last time we tried something different we tried gardening, and, uh  
it went badly_

Greg sighed. “...I think I understand exactly what you’re talking about, actually. Not the gardening, the… feeling stuck.” He frowned, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I know our little, uh, father-son outing didn’t go well, but…”

_but this is how you felt with you parents_

“...yeah.”

The two(?) of them sat there for a moment in silence, only interrupted by the sound of Star’s ball-point pen against the paper.

_do you know where ~~Garnet~~ Ruby and Sapphire went?_

“She’s downstairs still, actually. I, uh… last I heard, Amethyst was _not_ happy with her..”

_...I hope she’s doing okay  
we’re still kinda mad at her, but  
I hope they have someone that can help them out_

“...you’re too nice for your own good, you know that?” Star just shrugged. “Don’t, uh… jeez, I know I’m gonna sound like a jerk for saying this, but… please don’t go after them. Don’t try and help them right now,” said Greg, getting a bewildered look from Star. “I’m not saying no-one should help them! Just… help yourself first, okay? Don’t- oh, what’s the phrase… don’t light yourself on fire just to keep others warm, y’know? Make sure _you’re_ okay, _then_ worry about trying to help Garnet.”

Star hummed thoughtfully, looking down at the pad of paper. That was a rather odd way of looking at things, though, wasn’t it? If they hadn’t ‘lit themselves on fire’ then Era 3 wouldn’t even exist. How many times had they been the shoulder to cry on, the mediator, the diplomat? But they nodded anyways.

They’d have to think about that.

“So what’re you gonna do now?”

_head outside for a bit, probably  
maybe ask Centi if she can come talk to us for a bit  
she… she knows about all this corruption stuff better than anyone else  
I don’t want to just run off without talking to her_

“I meant about… about feeling trapped. I’m not going to force you to stay here if you don’t feel comfortable anymore,” said Greg.

_...I know you kind of got off on the wrong foot with her, but, um  
I want to talk to Jasper again  
it’s probably weird that we’re sort of friends with her after everything but I don’t really care  
we’re probably just going to text Amethyst, I think  
...I don’t know if we can talk to her right now without crying  
I don’t want to just leave her in the dust though_

“Aren’t she and Jasper… not sisters, I think, but… something similar to that? She might want to go with you once she knows where you’re headed.”

_if she does then she does, I guess  
...  
actually, no, I changed my mind  
I don’t want to leave without seeing Pearl  
...we need to know she’s still okay_

Greg hummed quietly, nodding. “D’you want me to help you downstairs?”

_no but thank you  
...thank you for listening  
or, reading, I guess  
and, um  
just  
thank you_

Smiling softly, Greg rested a hand on his son’s shoulder, carefully avoiding the blunted spikes that grew from his very bones. “I’m always gonna be here for you. I’m not going anywhere. Not this time. Not anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
> 
> Okay so,  
> I've been taking a (rather long) hiatus in order to get my mental health back on track (or, relatively back on track), as I was getting _quite_ stressed out trying to keep up with regular updates. If everything goes well, though, I'll have a decent backlog to work from should I fall behind again, so hopefully I'll actually manage to finish this fic within an actually reasonable timeframe!

**Author's Note:**

> We have a Discord server now!  
> https://discord.gg/a8NumJX  
> Incentives for joining:  
> \- There's currently only a half-dozen people regularly active, so there's less of a chance of getting overwhelmed by it  
> \- You'll get notifications as soon as a chapter is posted  
> \- Full-sized versions of my illustrations if you ask to see them  
> \- Explanations of various lore  
> \- Progress shots of my art as I'm working on it  
> \- Possible brownie points


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